Let’s hope ‘rude customer’ isn’t the theme of the weekend…

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Mornin’ all.

It’s been ages, and my typin’ fingers have been itchy for a workout. I’m struggling to get back into the work-during-school-year routine. It always feels like I’m rush rush rushing, with no time for chatting it up with pals.

…okay, that’s a bit of a cop out. I mean, I totally could have written something on my days off. But there was laundry to catch up on. Piles of it. Intimidating peaks and tors of sweaty socks and crusty drawers. Dishes and empty soda cans stacked on desks. Graffiti on the walls. A group of hobos were roosting under the dining room table. Don’t know when they arrived. There was too much recycling piled up making them a cozy hobo nook. If I hadn’t caught it when I did, they would have hibernated there all winter. And do you even know how little the dwarfs will do to keep a bathroom in order when Snow White has to be away decorating cakes?

Wait. Can I say that?

“Uh, no.”

I’m not trying to offend. I’m simply referencing a childrens’ story.

“Yeah, Bethie, but you picked one about seven men who were born with a congenital disorder that’s made them societal pariahs who use the naivete of an innocent abused runaway to essentially trap her in a different type of abusive household where she is suddenly solely responsible for the health, welfare, and cleanliness of seven grown ass men until a MILF roofies her, a prince gets a little rape-y, and she wakes up to find herself in a newly gilded cage surrounded by fame and paparazzi and pressure she never asked for…”

It’s a DISNEY movie! Surely I can reference a little kid movie without pissing off the internet, right?

“Have ya ever actually seen the internet?”

Fair enough. Not Snow White. Let’s air on the side of caution and say my days “off” have felt more Cinderella-ish.

“Oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Cinderella, Bethie!”

*hands up* OKAY!! I give up! No child movie references. Sheesh.

I was just meant that these days, I’m busier than a one-handed paper hanger.

“*gasp*”

I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?

“STOP!”

Busier than a bee!

“Dude, not cool. You KNOW how upset I am over the declining population numbers of bees.”

GODDAMN YOU’RE TOUCHY! I’m a writer. I’m just trying to inject a little personality into the piece instead of saying “Sorry, was busy. Thnx.”

“Bethie, are you shaming the millennials with your use of text instead of proper wording?”

Oh piss off!! *sigh of exasperation*

So as I was saying, it’s been busy at the bakery. It should be the calm before the impending holiday storm, and would have been if our bagel maker hadn’t gone on a fateful test drive of a new motorcycle. She’s okay in the sense that she’s alive and overall well, but she wrecked the bike and her arm in one go. Here’s an industry insider pro tip: You cannot make bagels when you have a torn shoulder and a shattered elbow. Shhh…don’t let my competition know!

And this happened right after we finally got our manager back. You remember her…she’s the one that fell and broke her pelvis.

There’s an ominous feeling among those of us who have yet to be injured in the bakery, and the hubbub is that we’re cursed. I don’t like that kind of talk, mostly because I have NOT been injured yet and wish to keep it that way. I’m going to keep saying that curses are hogwash while I don my bubble wrap suit. Never hurts to hedge a bit, does it?

I was looking at the news today, and you know what I decided? It sucks balls. There is a lot of doom and gloom in the headlines, folks. And since we are members of the same wet rock, it’s good to know what’s happening. It’s not like we can, or even should, avoid learning about our world, no matter how shitty the news of the day might be.

But, I think we can also take a break from the naysayers for awhile and find things to laugh about, don’t you? Because no matter how shitty and bleak it seems, the coin always has another side. Sometimes it’s really good to flip it over and chuckle. My long time readers know what that means.

Cue the band and signal the dancers, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

That’s right, it’s a roundup. And why the hell not? I think we fully deserve one after dealing with the muck and yuck going on right now.

For those who don’t know, sometimes the internet news sites have headlines that are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re worded fine, but still dumb. Usually, though, they just give me a mental image I must share. I scour these sites and bring you the upper echelon of ridiculousness. As always, I present the headlines to you in their 100% natural form. I just add the snark.

Shall we begin?

– Woman Has Baby With Mother’s Womb; It’s ‘Science Fiction’

I’m going to have to disagree with the classification. I’d definitely put that in the ‘soap opera’ genre.

America’s Most Endangered Historical Places

At first I scoffed, then I actually took the time to read the article. Dude, did you know there’s only ONE Gettysburg left? Deforestation and urban sprawl have eradicated the other four score and nineteen of them. Sign the petition at change.org today to fund rehabilitation efforts before the same thing happens to the 23 Mt. Rushmores.

– Jamie Foxx Blasted By Chess Champion Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelean President

I cannot think of a more random and unexpected headline. Why is a chess player coming out of the blue to blast a US actor about his stance on Venezuelean politics?? I love this so much.

– 80’s Pop Stars Then and Now

I clicked. *sniff* I clicked and now the memories of all the teen dream posters of my youth have been tainted by beer guts and bald spots. Screw you, MSN. *sniff*

– Barely Half of Illegal Border Crossers Caught

…you guess maybe, you think. If they got by you, you didn’t know it, right? So how can you possibly know how many you didn’t actually know about? I hate baiting articles like that that just muck up the issue.

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

What the actual fuck. “Hurricane Truthers?” WHAT? Is this a thing? SERIOUSLY??!!!

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

My gawd it IS a thing. These assholes are actually claiming that the pictures of the damage in Haiti are staged. That hundreds of people didn’t really die. That it’s all a government conspiracy to support the concept of global warming.

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

One of the reasons listed is because the government controls the satellites that are giving info on the storm. Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Dude, no one’s stopping you from launching your own satellite. Chop chop. What are you waiting for?

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

Like, I’m not even joking. I’m ANGRY now. Those irresponsible, dumb sons of…

“Remember what this is supposed to be about, Bethie. A break from all the doom and gloom and idiocy.”

*deep breath* *grumble*

“Come on. You can do it.”

You’re right. *calming mantra* *long sigh* Thanks. I’m better now.

– Two Hawkish Anti-immigration Groups Say Consulted By Trump

I was going to pick on the headline for being a travesty to grammar and common sense, but since the subject matter is Trump, the bungled mess seems oddly apropos.

– Damaged NJ Transit Train Removed from Station After Crash

They say that like there was ever anything else they were considering doing with a wrecked train. Now I have questions…

– Matthew Could Hit Florida Twice

LIES!! #chemtrails #newworldorder #harambewasaninsidejob;literally

– CEO of Backpage, Called ‘World’s Top Online Brothel’, Arrested on Pimping Charges

You mean the madam of a brothel could be considered a pimp? That seems like a stretch to me.

– Andrew Bieszard Claims God Sent Hurricane Matthew to Stop Orlando Pride

JUST HOW FAR UP DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO?!? #alltheway #secondamendment #flatearth

– Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly Skilled Forger in Arts Market

Or maybe… Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly UNskilled Appraisers in Art Market

– Hurricane Nicole A Little Stronger, Slows Down

Whoa. Nicole? Who’s this Nicole bitch? WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW?? As soon as a little scrutiny is applied, they change tactics. #wakeupsheeple #area51 #molemenarereal

– Robert De Niro on Trump: I’d Like to Punch Him in the Face

Bethie on Robert De Niro: I’d Like to See Him Punch Trump in the Face

– What Happened to North Carolina?

Shit, I don’t know. I thought it was tossed on the foyer table? Everyone start checking under the couch cushions. I’m going to look in the jeans Uncle Sam was wearing last night. Let’s hope it didn’t go through the wash!

– Wet and Wild: New Jersey Teens Travel 1000 Miles for Matthew

Fucking. Dopes.

– Vegan Mom Faces Charges for Feeding Tot Only Fruit and Nuts

This one is interesting. Makes you wonder when the other side of the debate will hit and parents who only feed their kids junk food will be charged. I’m in no way pro vegan. I embrace the fact that I am designed to be omnivorous and love me some charred animal flesh. But, I’m also in no way pro junk food diet. It’ll be interesting to see how far this goes and what the result will lead to.

“Bethie? I thought we were making jokes, not social commentary?”

Oh. Right.

– Leaked Video Shows Donald Trump Making Lewd Comments About Women

If this news legitimately surprised you, then step right up, because I’ve got this fantastic bridge I’d like to sell you!

– Should Retailers Close for Thanksgiving?

Gee, let me think about that one. *rolly eyes*

– Curiosity Self-Portrait And Other Incredible Space Photos

Our robots take selfies. If this doesn’t prove that we’ve taken artificial intelligence too far, I don’t know what does.

– Feds Investigating Smoking Samsung Phone that Forced Plane Evacuation

Smoking on a plane? Oooh, Samsung such a badass.

– Saturday is ‘Observe the Moon Night’

I guess I didn’t get the memo because I showed up early to that party last night. Oops. Don’t I feel foolish.

– UK’s Chatty Fish to Be Recorded

“Put the batter down! I’ll talk! Please, for the love of god…I have a wife and sixty three children, mate!”

– Bees Taught to Pull String for Reward, Then Teach Other Bees

These experiments are more of a sociological study than anything else. Someone sat there looking at a bee and thought, “Say, I wonder if I could make this bee pull a string?” I’m personally very glad that dude is in a lab and not mixing in the general population. Really think about it. There is nothing at all in a bee’s normal course of life that would make a sane person believe it could pull a string. Wtf.

– Norway’s PM Caught Playing Pokemon Go In Parliament

BAHAHAHA!!!

– Creepy Clown Sightings Are a Nightmare for the World Clown Association

Holy shit, guys. They’ve got an association. They’re organized now. THIS is how society will end!

– Do Fish Flirt In Regional Accents?

SEE? Scientists are weirdos.

– Artist Recreates Childhood Toys Entirely Out of Clay

…why? I mean, just get the toys. You can find them on ebay. And you’re not breaking any copyright laws to do it.

– Body Positivity Has Hit the Mainstream. Now What?

Now we move on and actually start thinking about things that matter.

– Is Spencer Prat the Atest and Reatest Food Star to Emerge on YouTube?

What? Are you having a stroke, USA Today?

– Dad Pays $39 to Hold Baby After Birth

It’s almost as if there’s no oversight in our hospital system so they feel they can get away with taking advantage of people during an emotionally unstable period in their life or something. Huh.

– How to Eat Like A Nomad

…okay, I’m intrigued. I tried not to be, but come on! Admit it…you now have questions, too.

– ‘Honor Killings’ Outlawed, Even if Family Approves

It’s 2016 and this is an actual thing that JUST happened. Let that sink in for awhile. Holy. Shit.

– Did Fox Reporter Go Too Far?

Isn’t that pretty much a job requirement at Fox?

– Hurricane Matthew Threatening Some of South’s Most Storied Cities

Oh. My. Gawd. I just figured it out. Follow me on this. We know that our national landmarks are becoming endangered, right? Some of these landmarks are in the middle of cities. Have you ever wondered why? Hm. Maybe because someone is trying to take your focus away from the landmarks by building up a bustling city around them, aka govenrmentally constructed distractions. Ask yourself this: What are they trying to hide? What’s behind the smoke and mirrors of streets and buildings? They clearly don’t want you to find out, because as soon as it became obvious that those of us who want to know wouldn’t let the neon lights of civilization blind us to the truth, they engineered a “hurricane”- aka secret military swat team that will go in after the sheeple have evacuated and create “storm damage”- to wipe out these “historical places.” Follow the breadcrumbs, people. It all makes sense.

Illuminati CONFIRMED.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, October 8, 2016. Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that I was making the icing roses improperly, and that she would know because she has made “real cakes” her whole life. Folks, it took every ounce of personal restraint I had not to end up in this here Roundup with a headline like: The Customer May Not Always Be Right: Local Cake Decorator Shoves ‘Real’ Icing Rose Up Rude Customer’s Nose.

The weekend is just getting started. Check headlines on Monday. You never know.

Can we actually get through this without a crash?!

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Mornin’ all.

My computer is still screwed.

Every time I think I’ve got it, it’s another trip to Crash City for me. I don’t know how long we have this morning before everything locks in a frozen, bitter wasteland, but it’s been awhile since we’ve chatted, and I just HAVE to write something.

I’ve got to be quick, though. I can’t let myself get sucked into a long-winded diatribe, because even if I save at the end of every sentence, the interruption in flow will just seriously piss me off and kick me out of the groove.

Knowing my limitations, I met with my writing pit crew. After a furious session of scribbling Xs and Os on a white board for no discernible reason, we came up with a plan of attack for this Muse. I’m typing as fast as I can. To the left is the coffee, to the right, my forehead mopper. I’ve been doing finger push ups for days and I think I can work through any cramping to bring you a….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*pop of confetti cannon*

Sorry we don’t have the band or dancers today. The pit boss felt that we needed to trim every tenth of a second off this production that we possibly could. I don’t necessarily agree, but he was the one with the clipboard, so….

*achem* *tap of pen on clipboard* *lift of one bushy eyebrow*

Right. I need to stay on track. He suggested instead of a rambling intro I just do my bit in bullet points. We’ll give it a try.

– The internet news sites are full of headlines.

– Some of them are good.

– Some of them are stupid.

– We round up the ones that jump out at us and present them to you.

– With jokes.

Wow. He was right. That was pretty straightforward, huh? I was a little worried about how he’d fit on the team in the beginning after he suggested I only type with my left hand, but I have to say, I’m warming up to…

*ACHEM*

Oh. Right. Headlines. Wave the flag and we’re off!

– Oprah Stuns with New Weight Loss

It’s GOT to be hard being a public figure in today’s internet trolling society. I’ve got nothing bad to say about Oprah for this one. Good job!

– Oprah Celebrates Turning 62 with Her “Favorite Birthday Gift”: Bread!

A case of bread, actually. Nine loaves. Oprah loses a ton of weight, then one of her “friends” sent her a CASE of bread. Oprah, get better friends.

– Best SAG Awards Moments That You Probably, Definitely Missed

Boy, is that going to be a long article.

– The Final Days of an Occupier

…of what? “An occupier” of…WHAT? Come on. Don’t leave me hanging. I MUST know! An occupier of a house? A car? Time and space? The rotting corpse it has invaded in an attempt to take over the world?

– Stricken Ship Heading for the French Coast

*sniff**sniff* Fine. If you don’t like me, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll run away! *sniff* I don’t need your stupid port anyway!

– Trump Spent Nearly $11 Million on Himself

Someone’s slumming it this year.

– Cyclist Exits Race After Officials Find Hidden Motor

BAHAHAHA!!! I’m sorry. I know cheating is bad, but…BAHAHAHAHA!!!

– Queensland Woman’s Disappearance at Sea Still Troubles Friends

“You know, we thought we’d be okay with it by now, but nope. Still bothered.”

– Curiosity Takes Selfie on Mars

…Still Hasn’t Killed the Cat

– Little Tricks to Feel Happier Immediately

Drugs. It’s drugs, right?

– 8 Bizarre Ways Your Spouse Can Affect Your Health

I can’t be the only one that thinks arsenic better be number one on the list.

This article…

– Reasons It’s So Hard to Lose Weight

…being displayed side by side with this article…

– Reasons It’s Easier to Lose Weight Than You Think

…proves that mainstream news is just saying whatever you want to hear. #conspirizewithme

– Confident Carson Predicts “Shock and Awe” in Iowa

There’s a fine line between confident and delusional. I’m pretty sure Carson has crossed it.

– GOP’s Condemnation of “Sanctuary Cities” Awkward in Iowa

I bet a lot of the GOP’s condemnations are awkward in Iowa.

– “I’m Gay and I’m a Priest. Period.”

Wow, Fr. Ted. I mean, good for you and all, but we just asked if you wanted a piece of gum. “…oh. Uh. *achem* Sorry. Uhhh…is it spearmint?”

– Why Elephants in American Zoos Might Be the New Orcas in “Blackfish”

Whoa whoa WHOA. Hold up. Because I am an American, and this is the internet, I feel compelled to assure the world that we are NOT, in any way, actually replacing orcas with elephants in the unoccupied Sea World tanks. We don’t even give them guns, smokes, and bitches, so no ‘Murica hate, k? I can assure you that the zoo keeps in this country are only abusing the elephants with whips, cattle prods, and spike boards, just like everyone else.

– Wave of Cubans Finally Reach US After Grueling Land Journey

*unrolls map* *looks at Cuba* *looks at US* *looks at Cuba* ….uh…

– “Eyewash”: How the CIA Deceives Its Own Workforce About Operations

I once cleaned a festering wound on my uncle’s ankle that was as wide as a golf ball and all the way to the bone, and if you could just give me some of that eye bleach so I could erase that memory, CIA, I’d greatly appreciate it.

…come on, CIA. Don’t act like you’re not reading this.

– Does Iowa Really Matter? And Should it?

Dayum, Washington Post. Harsh.

– I’m From New Hampshire and the New Hampshire Primary Has to Go

*gasp of indignation* Back off, poser. If you were really from NH, you’d realize that’s all we’ve got!

– Her Pink Taser, Poisoned Hamburger Patties, And an iPhone: The Story of a Wife Who Lured an Orange County Fugitive Out of Iran

I hate a short, vague headlines like this. If they want me to read it, they could at least drop a clue as to what the article is about.

– Man Sentenced As Habitual Felon

Once you’ve been convicted of a felony in this country, you are forever a felon. So by this logic, EVERY felon can be sentenced for being a habitual felon. You know how I said “no ‘Murica hate” before? I think I have to lift the moratorium.

– Fugitive Found in “Elaborate Tunnel System” Under Trailer Park

DUDE. A trailer park with an elaborate tunnel system?! Sign me up!

– High School Student with Toy Gun Suspended

Good! The ONLY reason to bring a fake gun to school is to cause trouble and make yourself seem like a badass. Period.

– Body Part Dealer Rented Infected Cadavers to Students

wut. Every single part of this headline is just wrong.

– Social Robots May One Day Help Your Doctor

Antisocial Robots May One Day Help Your Lawyer

– This is Why No One Can Own The Moon

Because it’s the FUCKING MOON. Why does it even need to be explained?!

– Scientists Predict Human Thought in Real Time, Nearly Every Time

If this doesn’t raise the hair on the back of your neck, you haven’t read enough sci fi. Knock it off, scientists, before I’ve got to make a time traveling robot to fix this mess you’re trying to create.

– Europe Launches Space Laser Data Satellite

I stopped reading after “Space Laser.” SPACE LASER!!! Pewpewpew!!!

– Norwegian Woman Says She is a Cat Trapped in Human’s Body

I call BS. If she really was a cat trapped in a human’s body, the only thing she would say is “Meow.” Check and mate.

– A 99-year-old Woman Wakes to Exotic Animal on Her Chest; She Screams, It Screams

…we all scream for ice cream! Yay!

– Lucky Thai Dolls “non-human”, says Aviation Authority

Did that actually need to be declared?!

– 2016 Campaign A Season of Discomfort for US Muslims

I don’t think the Muslim population is alone in discomfort this election cycle.

– Two Escaped California Inmates Believed In San Jose

Those poor fools. Everyone knows San Jose is only a myth.

– NASA Would Take C3PO to Space, but Not R2D2 or BB8

WHAT. That’s BULLSHIT! Let’s start a petition RIGHT NOW. #fairnessforALLdroids

– Your Laminate Floor May Be Toxic

So, you know, stop licking it.

– Answers to 7 Burning Tax Questions

1. Actually, it’s a common misconception that petroleum is the best accelerant for burning paper. You want to start with bees wax…

– Earn $90,000 a Year Working for the Government…At Burning Man

Kevin does this. Kevin is a fahkin’ narc. Don’t be like Kevin.

– The Inside Story of How Ted Cruz Won Iowa

He was a douche, but not a total douche. That’s some hard core poli-sci.

– The US Army Wants to 3D Print Customized Food for Soldiers

Two words: soylent green.

– Va. Tech Students Held in “Awesome” Girl’s Death

Totally upstaging the “rad” 7-11 burglary, the “bitchin'” car heist, and the “cool” vandalism.

– NYC Homeless Shelters Rack Up 21,400 Code Violations

I can’t believe that a city in the US has so very little consideration for the safety and well being of its homeless population. They’re usually so warm and welcoming.

– World’s First Robot Run Farm to Open in Japan

This better mean that it’s a farm where old robots go to run around in the field happy and carefree before they die, because if it’s actually a story about robots being in charge of growing our food, then I’m out. I’m done. No more science.

– DNA Got Kid Kicked Out of School- And It’ll Happen Again

Ivy league? Because that seems about right. DNA gets those floofy poodles kicked out of Westminster every year. It was just a matter of time before the owners of the allegedly purebred students took a page from their recreational book and applied it to maintain the integrity of those hallowed halls.

– Dadaab: The City You Cannot Leave

And with a name like that, who’d want to?!

– Judge Gives Man 5 Days For Child Porn, Rails Against Harsh Sentences

Anyone else thinking the judge’s hard drive needs confiscating? NSA, get on that.

Don’t act like you’re not reading this, NSA.

– Orange County Jailbreak was “An Embarrassment”, Says Sheriff

Top story in today’s No Shit Gazette.

– 5 Things You Need to Know this Tuesday

I didn’t read it. Cuz I’m a rebel.

– Carson to Take Break from Campaigning After Iowa Caucus Loss

Yep. Pretty much the same results as the last “shock and awe” plan we witnessed.

– Could These Shapes on Mars Have Been Sculpted By Microbes?

Don’t be ridiculous! They were sculpted by Martians before their environment became toxic and they were forced to settle on a neighboring planet.

– Britain Approves Controversial Gene-editing Experiments

NO. Stop it. Stop it right now! Do NOT edit genes! Stop predicting our thoughts. Don’t make 3D food. Absolutely NO robot farms. Go back to curing diseases and creating plans to re-colonize Mars. Leave the humanity-ending ideas alone. We’re doing just fine on that end without your help.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, February 2, 2016. Now, I’m not making any threats, so get off my back, FBI (pfft, don’t act like you’re not reading this), but that furry little rat better not see his shadow. We’re getting an easy winter this year, because even Mother Nature herself realizes just how bitchy she was last year and cut us some slack. I’mma be super pissed if a rat in a hat changes that.