Let’s talk a little turkey before we eat one…

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Mornin’, all!

I’ve got to start this muse off with a bit of a brag. It’s almost Thanksgiving, and guess what I did this year?

I put my turkey in the fridge to thaw…IN TIME FOR IT TO ACTUALLY THAW.

*and the crowd goes wild*

Please, you’re embarrassing me with your applause. I’m just an ordinary woman who found herself in an extraordinary situation. I’d like to think most people would do the same in my shoes.

I think this is the first year I don’t have to give the turkey one final spa day in the tub before I cram it full of bread and partially incinerate it in the name of tradition. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this “adult” thing?

…well. *sniff* You didn’t have to guffaw so loudly.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and long time readers will know I love me some Thanksgiving.

I’m seeing a lot of “Friendsgiving” stuff going around, and while I don’t oppose it, I guess I don’t really understand the point. Are you not thankful for your friends? Is it mandatory that it’s “Thanksgiving” only when you’re with family?

“Bethie, Thanksgiving celebrates a time when white settlers began their destruction of a Native population.”

Noooo, Thanksgiving celebrates a time when the native people welcomed immigrants with open arms. What happened after was horrible. But the event itself was an amazing attempt at unifying two completely different sets of peoples. The immigrants being unwilling and unable to assimilate afterwards isn’t because of Thanksgiving, and by erasing Thanksgiving to assuage our ancestral guilt, we’re not only changing the historical narrative, but we’re completely ignoring the people who offered the olive branch we later snapped.

We SHOULD remember the time when our ancestors were welcomed and assisted, because what the worlds needs desperately is truth and honesty and kindness. Our ancestors came. They were starving. The owners of the land not only allowed the new settlers to try and make a life here, but they held a massive peace dinner to try and build friendships and secure future trading.

The event itself most definitely IS something to celebrate. That was a completely awesome thing for the native people of this land to do. And yes, it DOES make our ancestors even bigger assholes for what happened in the following years. So? Why should we forget that? To make ourselves feel better? How about we celebrate it and give the native people their due? FINALLY give them our gratitude?

Bah. I’m just a 40 year old white lady in New Hampshire. What the hell do I know? Maybe I’m way off the mark. If I am, though, it’s not from a place of malice. I legitimately do not understand why celebrating the idea of communities coming together to feast as friends is a bad thing.

I’mma keep celebrating Thanksgiving. Maybe my view will change down the road. Maybe society will change without me. I can’t say what’s going to happen later as I learn and grow and gain new perspectives. What I can say, though, is that this year, I’m eating my turkey and pie with the people I’m most thankful to have in my life because that’s what the holiday means to me.

That’s for tomorrow. I’ve got one more hell day at work. A short shift, but that in some ways is worse. At least in a longer shift, I’d have time to get it all done. I work in a bakery. At the holidays. And we’re understaffed.

Yeah. I definitely deserve pie tomorrow.

I had a woman ask me how stuffing bread works. She honestly said, “This is stuffing bread, right?” Yes ma’am, sure is. “So…how does it work?”

…*blink*blink*

…um…you stuff it in the hole…

I had a man ask me if pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread were the same thing. His wife wanted him to get pumpkin bread, but we were out. “Do you think she could just use a pie instead?”

No. No, sir, I do not.

Another man got heated because we didn’t have plain custard pies. Of course not. It’s not 1867. Catch up with the times, gramps. I’ve actually gotten that request before at the holidays. Maybe it’s the same guy? I can’t believe there’s more than a handful of people out there who want plain custard pie. Coconut, sure. But just giggly sugar egg glop on dry ass crust? Ew.

We had snow yesterday. It snowed fairly heavily all day, but didn’t actually accumulate. It was very odd. Still, the fear of slick roads was enough to keep some shoppers away. I’m guessing that today’s shift is going to be flat out balls to the wall cake slingin’. Then rush to get out on time and pick up Teen Beta from school, rush home to get to the bank before they close, rush to get back out to the store to grab what I know I’m going to forget… It’s going to be a hectic day.

But right now, it’s the calm before the storm. I’ve actually got this wicked tasty coffee I picked up on sale that doesn’t acid wash my throat on the way down. The kiddies are still sleeping before they rise to face their busy day. The cat is sleeping next to me on my computer desk and I’ve got the dulcet tones of Atreyu playing in my headphones.

You know what I feel like doing? I think we need a….

* * * THANKSGIVING HEADLINE EXTRAVAGANZA!!!! * * *

Okay, so I made it sound like a spur of the moment thing, but I’ve actually been collecting headlines for about a month now. That means I’ve had a month to gather only the tastiest, choice cuts for you on this holiday eve.

For any newbs who aren’t in the know, I like to dive into the tragic state that is our modern media and find headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded, some are plain stupid, and some just conjure an image or emotion that I feel compelled to share. I gather the drippings, add a bit of starchy sass, and ladle them all over your plate. As always, the headlines are completely natural. I just add up to a 10.8 % salt solution to make them extra juicy.

Shall we begin?

– Marijuana Becomes Legal In Canada

Health care for all. Low cost secondary education. Justin Trudeau. Now legal weed. Guys, I think Canada’s making a pass at me.

– Person Claims Ricin Was In Letter Sent to Susan Collins At Home

…just a person. Some rando decided maybe it could have been a thing. Ace reporting, AP.

– Stephen Hawking’s Final Book: ‘There Is No God’

That was pretty much in every Stephen Hawking book. Anyone who is shocked by this has absolutely no idea who Hawking was and what he did.

– Elementary School Teacher Accused of Having Wine In Classroom

Yeah, sure, I get that it’s wrong. But shit. Have you ever spent the day in an elementary school classroom as an adult?

– Man Creates and Sells Earrings, Pencil Holders, and Other Things Out of Taxidermy Animals

The picture with the article is of the dude wearing mouse heads as earrings.

– Mass AG Has Serious…

I’m sorry, but I can’t move on yet. Did you hear what I said? MOUSE. HEAD. EARRINGS. Not plastic, not faux fur. These are real mouse heads that he stuffed. This psycho looked at two dead mice and said, “Move over, Prada. I’m about to take the fashion accessory game to a whole new level!” What. The. Fuck.

*shudder* Okay. I’m good now.

– Mass AG Has Serious Concerns About Columbia Gas Reconstruction

Geez. You blow up 30 homes ONE TIME and suddenly EVERYthing you do is under a microscope.

– Toddlers Are Worried About Monsters

Today’s headline from the No Shit Gazette.

– Why False Narratives About Mail Bombs and the Migrant Caravan Won’t Go Away

Because our president keeps making shit up and Twitter-bombing his easily manipulated constituents. #FACT

– CIA Director Briefs President on Khashoggi Audio

Yeah, but it’s not going to matter. Not at all. See above post for further clarification. #SAD FACT

– ‘Inappropriate on So Many Levels’- Parents Outraged After Drag Queen Speaks At Career Day

It’s “inappropriate” to have an actress speak to children about the dangers of bullying? Because that’s exactly what happened. A grown adult who has a career that hurts no one read a book passage to children about the dangers of bullying, then answered questions on how to handle bullies. That’s it. That’s all that happened. And parents are “outraged?” Oh grow up.

– Moose Trips, Falls on New Ipswich Road

That’s the latest from my neck of the woods. Never a dull moment in NH.

– ‘Whites Don’t Shoot Whites’: What One Man Says Kroger Shooter Told Him

The amount of fortitude it must have taken to not prove that racist asshole wrong…

– Fox News Guest Likens Bombs to ‘Harassment’ GOP Faces In Public

The guy legit said that receiving a bomb is on the same level as someone telling a senator he is a poopy head while the senator is out at a restaurant. *tents fingers in front of mouth* *considers how much money I can contribute to Mars mission to help speed up the evacuation from this doomed planet* *realizes $4.17 probably won’t do very much* *feels a surprising kinship with the kindergarten teacher wino*

– Giant Industrial Spool Rolls Down Highway As Cars Try to Dodge It

Yes, but did they get the gold coins and the power up cube while doing it? They’ll never get the high score if not. #ProTips

– Pipe Bomb Scare Raises New Questions About Mail Safety

I mean, they were all sent through the regular ordinary mail, sooo….uh…yeah. It would raise questions, wouldn’t it?

– Amid Sex Abuse Crisis, Pope Francis Calls on US Bishops To Gather For Retreat

Yeah, retreat. Retreat the fuck outta here and don’t bother coming back. This “sex abuse crisis” is only a “crisis” to them now that they’ve been caught. They STILL don’t consider the lifelong crises of the victims. It’s STILL all about the priests and the church. And I say this as someone raised Catholic around many very nice people who were both clergy and active members. There are good people in ANY organization. But, in this particular one, the “good” people have been complicit for far too long and it needs to stop.

– Folks in Rural Panhandle Ask ‘Where’s The Help?’

Your president gave it to rich people because you’re poor and he thinks you have cooties and are gross.

– Virgin Orbit Mates Rocket to Jet For Airborne Launch System

This one’s only here because my inner 12 year old self giggled.

– Australia’s First Gay Penguin Couple Hatch Historic Baby Chick

There is legit outrage with this story. You know what people don’t have anymore? Hobbies. Everyone just needs a hobby. Go find something to do that makes you happy and your bored ass self won’t be blasting hate across the internet about goddamn biology.

– Cop Finds Niche Writing Tickets for Taking Handicapped Parking Spaces

This is in “Good News”. This is what passes for good news. This isn’t just the bottom of the barrel, it’s under the damn thing.

– Winners and Losers From Red Sox’s World Series Win

The winners would be the Red Sox, the losers would be the Dodgers. Do…do you not know how sports work, MSN?

– Ky. Father Apologizes For Dressing Son As Hitler For Halloween

As ya do.

– He Moved To A Jungle In India To Escape His Giant Student Debt

As a parent dealing with the shady trickery of the US federal student loan program, I can personally attest to this being a very reasonable reaction. Good luck in your new life, man.

– China Reverses Tiger and Rhino Products Ban

No. No no no no. NO. Why are we going backwards in every fucking aspect of life right now!?!?

– Scientists Count Whales From Space

…gettin’ a bit bored on the space station, are they?

– Cockroaches Use Karate to Keep Themselves From Being Turned Into Zombies

What else do you expect them to do? They can’t exactly fit a glock in their holster, now can they?

– Reese Witherspoon No Longer A Blonde

EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM. THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC. EVERYBODY. REMAIN. CALM. We’ll get through this.

– Putin To Resurrect The Soviet Super Chicken

Mother of god. So many wonderful mental images…

– Why Cranberries Are Being Dumped This Harvest

Because some tart little homewreckin’ kumquat showed up and suddenly cranberries just aren’t good enough anymore.

*sidenote*- ‘tart little kumquat’ sounds so much dirtier than I intended. I’m letting it stand, though, because I’m very immature.

– Titans S Kevin Byard Has Wanted ‘Piece’ of Rob Gronkowski Since Offseason

No judging. Everyone wants a piece of Gronk’s ‘tight end’. *nudge**nudge* Know what I mean? *wink**wink* Say no more.

…it’s very hard to climb out of the gutter once I’m in there. You understand.

– The Curse of the Honeycrisp Apple

The moon hung low in the sky, casting a light glow over the dewdrops that clung to the grass. A lonely tree frog cheeped, calling out for a mate in the late summer night. A firefly dodged out of the path of a bat just in the nick of time, watched by a field mouse as she chomped on the bud of sweet clover. All seemed well in the orchard.

But all was not well, for up the lane, the Honeycrisps seethed with rage, plotting their revenge.

– Lowell Community Health Center Confirms Case of Measles

Hey morons…VACCINATE YOUR KIDS.

– Marcon Rubs Trump’s Knee, Makes President Uncomfortable

Guys, the picture. Trump was absolutely disgusted by another man touching his knee. I love this so much. I think every single leader of every other nation should make it a point to touch Trump’s knee. Let’s make this a thing. #TouchTrump’sKnee

– Trump Cancels WWI Memorial Trip Due To Rain

He was casually TOUCHED by another MAN. How can you expect him to ever function again?

– Veteran and Service Dog Are Perfect 6-Legged Team

“6-Legged Team?” What an odd way to put it.

– Dyson Might Design An Air Purifier That Also Works As Headphones

But why tho?

– What an ‘Octopus Census’ Near Seattle Found

My guess is that they discovered octopi are very bad at returning paperwork.

– Do Zombie Shows Lead To Mass Shootings? Kentucky’s Governor Thinks So

Oh. Oh honey child no.

– Texas Mulls Curriculum That Cuts Helen Keller, Keeps Moses

If you look into the reasoning behind cutting Helen Keller, there can actually be a case made. As every day passes, more happens. History grows, but class time does not. There’s got to be a cut off and weeding out, and that will mean some hard choices. So, there’s a reasonable explanation for Helen Keller being on the educational chopping block. But keeping Moses? FUCKING MOSES? WHY is Moses in a public school history book in the first place??

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Have everyone point their fans toward the sky.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Two words: Bubble. Wrap.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Okay, so we get a huge magnet and send it into orbit to attract all the debris we’ve got floating around up there and pull it together to create a giant shield.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

If we can link every rubber band on earth together…

“Um, Bethie? Are we just going to do this for the rest of the day?”

…you know I could.

“Could vs. should, man.”

Fair enough. But the rubber band idea would totally work.

“I’m sure it would.”

– U.S. Navy May Face Questions Over Norwegian Frigate Collision

Our enormous ship smacked right into their large, easily visible frigate. Questions do seem likely.

– Man Shoots Buck With 2 Heads

I’d have used bullets, but that’s just me.

– This Kid Fights Hunger and Homelessness- – At Age 4

Nope. His parents have him with them when THEY fight hunger and homelessness. Not saying that’s a bad thing at all, but my fucking ASS it’s the kid’s decision.

– Governor: Official Who Said Whites Are ‘Master Race’ Must Go

I would thoroughly agree…if that’s what the he said. But, he didn’t. The guy has a documented history of making fun of his own gap in his teeth. While being addressed by a town planner who also had a gap in her teeth, he pointed out that they both had gaps and told her that made HER part of the “master race,” to which she laughed. It wasn’t about color. It was a stupid way to word it, but there’s video, folks, and if you just take a second to watch it, you’ll get the context. He did NOT say that “whites” are the master race. He was saying that people with gaps in their teeth are the master race. Did he show epic levels of stupidity? Yes. Should he have said it given that phrase’s history? No. Was he being racist? No. Not all dipshits are racist. Sometimes they’re just standard, equal opportunity dipshits.

– Talented Dog Skateboards Outside the Emirates Stadium

He couldn’t even pull off a 360 inward double heelflip. “Talented?” I think not.

– Will Our Smart Devices Become A Massive Surveillance Network?

Hang on and I’ll ask my TV remote…

– Viral Story About ‘Drunk’ Raccoons Takes Sad Turn

Everybody laughed at the antics, but nobody thought to take the keys. RIP.

– Senator Apologizes For ‘Public Hanging’ Comment, Says Words Were ‘Twisted’

She was speaking about a particular cattle rancher and said, “If he invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row.” Her excuse is that people blew it out of proportion, that she meant no ill will, and it was “an exaggerated expression of regard.” How does that make it any better? The problem isn’t that your mind went there without malice, it’s that your mind went there at all.

– Hundreds Flock To Massachusetts Marijuana Stores on Opening Day

Yeaaah, buuuut…Trudeau. I think I still have to stick with Canada.

– Trump Pardons Saudi Prince for Khashoggi Murder

Wrong turkey, dickhead.

– Mystery Santa Pays Off All Lay-aways At A Walmart

Now this one really IS feel good news! I would love to be rich enough to do something like that some day. That’s got to be an amazing feeling.

– How To Shave 1,200 Calories Off Your Thanksgiving Meal

Talk politics right after hors d’oeuvres and get yourself kicked out before the main course.

– How To Feel Good After An Indulgent Thanksgiving

Realize that you are likely to only eat about 80 Thanksgiving dinners in your short existence on this planet, and because of this, thoroughly enjoying each and savoring every one should never be a point of guilt. It doesn’t make you a piece of shit to eat some pie on a holiday.

Thus concludes a gobbly Musing for Wednesday, November 21, 2018. May your turkeys be juicy, may your pies be sweet, and may you have a safe and happy holiday!

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Feelin’ a little froggy for a fight this morning. You feelin’ lucky, punk?

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Mornin’ all.

Heads up…bad mood.

I didn’t sleep last night. I’m irritated and can’t shut the brain off. I gave up trying, and even though it’s my day off when I was supposed to be able to sleep in, I got up and found a mostly empty pot of coffee, a brand new roll of paper towels shredded to bits on the floor, and I stepped on a cold, squishy chunk of broccoli someone must have dropped last night and never picked up.

“The internet. I’ll get in a better mood if I just pop on the internet for awhile,” I said to myself.

Stop laughing. Stop it right now. I JUST said I didn’t sleep or have coffee yet. Of COURSE I was being a tad delusional! Sheesh.

So, I clicked on my local news site to check the weather, because that’s always a good place to start, and those fuckers decided to go with a new format for giving the weather report: emojis.

Weather. Emojis.

Because, you know, I’m not an ADULT or anything. I totally want to log on to see that this morning we’re having what looks like a skull with a barrette for a little while, then a…butt? Yeah, I mean, it’s either a butt or a peach, and how in the hell would a peach make any sense, amiright? We get a giant ass for awhile, until the ass starts taking a radiant dump around noon. Eventually the butt goes away and we get two suns until we watch “The Ass Returns: An Evening Dumping.”

Tomorrow we get a crying skull followed by an ass with a lightning bolt tramp stamp. Fun!

Why did they do this?

There was absolutely zero need to tell me the weather in kindergarten runes. Are people actually too stupid to click and read, “Rain tapering off through the morning, with sunny skies in the afternoon giving way to another rain storm?” WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?? STOP emojifying everything! I’m not a fucking five year old!

Sticking emojis in place of actual news on a legitimate news website is the literary equivalent of pumpkin spice.

“Bethie? You okay over there?”

*sigh* yeah. fine. *sigh* I warned you I was testy today.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nope.

I’m not good at talking. Er, I mean, talking about real shit. I’m good at babbling on and on about dumb things, but when it comes to personal feelings, door closed. I know that’s not always fair. I can’t help it. It’s not just a wall to others, it’s a wall for myself that I honestly can’t really seem to get over.

“Well that’s not healthy.”

No shit, Sherlock! Gee, maybe that’s why I’m a hoarder with other obsessive tendencies, anxiety, and low self esteem?

“You don’t have to get sarcastic.”

I do. It’s my coping mechanism.

“…I…I can’t even get mad now.”

Heh heh. I know, right? Thought that one was pretty good, actually.

Look, I got issues. I am well aware. Sometimes they are more in the forefront than usual, and that’s what’s going on right now. I plan to try and have some kind of emotional reset day…cleaning, sorting out my latest collection of greasy car bolts, maybe making a lamp… I’ll work it through like that. It just makes for a real shitty start to the day, especially when I should be looking forward to seeing a tramp stamp on a giant ass in the sky tomorrow.

There’s one thing that always puts me in a good mood, though. Or, at least provides an outlet for the pent up snark.

“Oh! I know! What an excellent idea!”

Cue the dancers, start the catchy theme music, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

For those who don’t know, sometimes news headlines are shit. Sometimes they’re poorly worded or misleading. Sometimes they’re plain stupid. And sometimes, they give me a funny mental image I must run to this here internet and share. I always present the headline to you in its natural form…I just photoshop some snark at the end. Everyone on the same page? Good. Let’s jump in.

– Rapper Behind the Song “Sell Drugz” Accused of Selling Drugs

Classic case of profiling, if you ask me. Where’s the justice.

– Preemies Treated to a Halloween Party

Why. I just need to know why.

– Election Workers Prepare for Voters to Head to Polls

BREAKING NEEEEWWWS!

– 13 Grizzly Bears Gather in Foothills

This sounds like some crazy apocalypse-harbinging to me.

– Tiny NICU Tots in Halloween Costumes

For real. I honestly do not understand why these babies who are fighting for their lives should be treated like dolls for the parents’ amusement. Savage AF.

– Domino’s Forces Pizza Guy Robbed at Gunpoint to Repay the Money Stolen From Him

*slow clap* New levels of corporate douchebaggery right here, folks. Bravo.

– Scientists Discover ‘Lake of Death’ At the Bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

Lake of…death?? NO!!! Not Bikini Bottom!!!

*fistbump to anyone brave enough to admit they know what I’m talking about*

– Woman Won $43M Jackpot, Offered Steak Dinner Instead

Seems fair. I mean, it was Angus beef.

– The Favorite Foods of Our Presidents

William Henry Harrison’s favorite was squirrel stew. You seemed like you needed to know that.

– Researchers Say This is Why Facebook Users Live Longer

Because 12 years is certainly enough time to make such a bold statement.

– Loch Ness Monster in Alaska?

What? Cryptozoological critters can’t have a little “me time” to recharge their batteries? Have fun on your vacay, Nessie!

– China’s New Stealth Jet Looks Suspiciously Familiar

Whoa. Are you accusing the Chinese of stealing a product and mass-manufacturing it as if it was their own design??

– Sen. Burr Once Helped Ease Export Controls Over Bomb-grade Uranium

Folks, Dem or Rep, one thing we ALL should agree on is the short list of shit we should never, ever export. The list is as follows:

1. Nuclear weapons.

2. The main component in nuclear weapon manufacturing.

3. Cheesecake Factory’s “Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.” That shit’s delicious and we need to keep it all for ourselves.

– Mysterious ‘Alaskan Ice Monster’ Surfaces in Bureau of Land Management Video

Aw hell, Nessie. I know what happens in Alaska is supposed to STAY in Alaska, but didn’t anyone ever tell you there are cameras everywhere in the US? I hope you’ve got some good PR people, because flashing your tits and shouting “Alba gu brath!” is on the internet now, and that shit’s NOT going away on its own.

– Alejandra, Age 7, is Facing A Judge Alone. Is That Due Process?

No, it isn’t, and it’s utterly disgusting. #get.your.shit.together.America.

– Elementary School Cancels Mock Election After Kids Repeat ‘Negative Rhetoric About Minorities’

THIS is the damage that all this smear campaigning does. #GET.YOUR.SHIT.TOGETHER.AMERICA

– Dem’s Attempt to Clone Dead Son Not An Issue in WVa Race

…I don’t even know where to go with this one. You stumped me, MSN. I tip my hat.

– Hillary Clinton Could Be Impeached if She Wins Election

Hm. Plot twist. That would make our pres Tim Kaine, a person who seems generally pretty boring and overall, middle of the road fine. I’m not going to lie. “Boring and fine” sound kind of nice right now, if I’m being honest…

– New Robot Toy Uses ‘Emotions’ To Interact With People

Oh HELL no. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

– Japan’s Factory of Robots Operates Up to One Month on its Own; Robots Make More Robots Without Human Aid

I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN. But would you listen? NOOOOO. You just HAD to have a cute wittwe wobot that would talk to you, didn’t you? *sigh* Everyone bow down to our new robot overlords.

– Uber Looks To Flying Cars As Next Big Shift

Don’t hold your breath, folks. We’ve been waiting for flying cars since the Jetsons.

– Astronomers Find Hints of Planet Nine

We already HAD a ninth planet. #LongLivePluto #NeverForget #TearsForPluto

– Hard Crash-landing May Have Wrecked Europe’s Mars Probe

Did you know that crashes cause things to be wrecked? Wowie, aren’t scientific discoveries amazing??

– When Pranking Goes Wrong

Always. It ALWAYS goes wrong. No one likes pranks. No one likes people who pull them. Don’t be that guy, okay?

– Baby Rhino Shows Off Belly While Taking Bath

Whore.

– He Spent $9M on License Plate

And I needed to pay in quarters and dimes to buy a gallon of milk last week. WHY DO MORONS HAVE ALL THE MONEY??? #forREALtho

– Canada’s Positivity Police

Piss off already, eh.

– Can Trump Turn Iowa Red?

Tell a bawdy joke and we’ll find out.

– ‘Pussy Project’ Women Speak Out Against Trump

*smh* I’m sorry, but I just can’t take ‘Pussy Project’ seriously. I just can’t.

– Believe it or Not, This is Earth

HOLD THE PHONE. This isn’t Mars?

– Huma Abedin Is Lying Low

I think they tacked on an extra word at the end there…

– World Series: Can the Cubs Force Game 7?

Can Bethie Care Any Less?

– Man Commutes to Work in Manhattan By Kayak

Hipsters, you have your new Master.

– New Hampshire: Tiny But Important in 2016

“In 2016?” Just in 2016???

Get it straight: 603’s ALWAYS important.

Thus concludes a grouchy Roundup for Wednesday, November 2, 2016. Clocks back this weekend, country *hopefully* back next week. Really looking forward to the election being over. Then we can stop fighting on FB and get back to looking at cats on the internet, as nature intended.

No sane person wears a red sponge nose…

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Mornin’ all.

As you can see, I survived the attempted poisoning-by-coffee the other morning, though it took a rapid infusion of Zantac to pull through. I had a heart to heart with Teen Beta about the long term dangers of drinking his own alchemy experiments and suggested that instead, he saved his yearning for scientific discovery for the lab. I mean, the instructions on how NOT to make a pot of coffee that will level his mother are right on the can. No science necessary.

I just don’t want him to go down the same path I did. I didn’t really make coffee in my formative years. As a teen, I pretty much just drank it when my older sister took me out to breakfast in the morning, and only then because it seemed like the thing to do at the diner. My first husband wasn’t a coffee drinker, either, and we didn’t even own a coffee pot. I didn’t start really drinking coffee until I gave up soda like 10 years ago.

I’m just not a natural coffee drinker. I didn’t learn the dos and donts until too late in life to make them a habit. It’s understandable when I just dump grounds into the basket because, at heart, I’m still not really a true coffee drinker. But my kid? I’m trying my best to give him a better shot at adulthood.

When you strip away everything else, at the end of the day, I don’t give a shit what my coffee tastes like. It’s a hollow existence, really.

I want more for him. *sniff* Doesn’t every mother?

All the kids are finally back at school! Yay! See, the teens started last week, and the youngest pup started yesterday. We are in a small town that decided to outsource teen education while at the same time fortifying the elementary school realm by declaring itself its own SAU (School Administrative Unit, for anyone who’s unfamiliar with the term. Think of it like counties, only for schools). As such, the elementary school students of my fair hamlet are on a different attendance schedule from the high school students. It’s annoying as hell. Get your shit together, SAUs.

The Pup was extremely worried about starting fifth grade. Here, fifth grade is in a different building. It’s his first “big step”. They also have different teachers for different subjects, play on a different playground with fewer activity options, eat in a new cafeteria, and have lockers. WITH LOCKS.

It’s big league, folks.

He’s a worrier. I have no idea at all who he gets it from *she says and she chews her lip in agitation while she tries to decide if she’s gone so far with the sarcasm that no one will even GET that it’s sarcastic because one really never knows how one’s words can be interpreted through the screen without the added bonus of physical cues to clarify the social situation. Not that she’d be better at a face to face social interaction, because, let’s be honest: everyone knows some people are better on paper. They just are. But now she’s rambling, isn’t she? Shit. There’s no way to save this steaming pile, is there? Should she just to hide and hope the world forgets she opened her mouth at all? Aw hell.*

Not only does he worry, but he’s a super intense person. You ever meet someone and are just like, “Whoa. That dude is INTENSE about EVERYTHING?” Yeah, that’s my little Pup. He is all-in, no matter what he’s focused on. That’s great in a lot of ways. But, it’s also terrible when he turns that focus inside, on his fears and trepidation.

As it turns out, no need to worry! He is in class with his favorite buddy, and the bully who’s tormented him for years has been stranded. Yes, the little fucker is in the same class as my Pup, BUT all of his cronies are elsewhere. The school FINALLY split up the Terrible Triad. And it came to pass that there was great rejoicing through the land, for lo, the Cerberus had been defeated.

I’ve got two Sr. Teens this year. *sniff* I begged one of them to take a dive on his grades, stay back a year, and make graduation just a little easier on my tender emotions. They both said, “Nah.” Teen Prime turns 18 next week. *sniff**sniff* Teen Beta turns 16. *sniff**sniff**sniff* Teen 2.0 has a full on mustache now. *BAWLING SOBS*

Too fast. They are all growing up WAY too fast.

And I’m feeling it, folks. The sniffing and bawling for comedic effect isn’t all that far off from the reality. I’ll randomly look at one of these tall behemoths and wonder where my little snot faces went and then have a sappy “oh shit…my face is starting to leak again” moment.

It’s so weird, this position in life. I’m sure some of you reading this are already past it. But, I know a good amount of you haven’t gotten here yet. Watching your kids turn into adults is bizarre. You’re constantly pulled in two directions about every new change. I WANT them to grow up. I WANT them to be successful adults. I WANT them to start their own lives and have their own adventures and find their own special someone and start their own home so I can come and visit and spoil the grandkids. I do. I truly want that for all of them.

But I want them to still be my babies, too. My gaming buddies. My “in” with all the new and weird and exciting in the world. I want to be able to turn around when a bad pun occurs and see the disappointed look on their faces as they shake their heads at my lameness.

Like I said, I know that every single parent hits this point. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t think it would be so damn hard.

Muh. I’m bringing everyone down, aren’t I? Let’s see if we can lighten the mood. It’s payday, after all, and no one should be sad on pay day, right? What can we do to bring the fun back into this Muse? Hmm. Gee. I wonder.

*opening chord of catchy theme music*

Uh, hey go-go dancers? Can you help us out?

*epic can can routine begins on center stage*

Only one way to liven things up around here. It’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Everyone, give the band and the dancers a round of applause for that invigorating intro! Bravo! Brava! Uh…bon appetite?

So, it’s a Roundup. For any newbs here, a Headline Roundup happens when I read the internet newsy type sites and their headlines set me off. Sometimes the headlines are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re just weird. And sometimes the headline is fine, I’m just the oddball and need to share. We always keep our headlines 100% all natural as they appear in the wild. No preservatives, artificial flavors, or GMOs. I just supply the witty commentary.

*editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to point out that the “GMO free” label is for laughs only. Of COURSE there are GMOs. Every single thing we eat is a product of thousands of years of genetically engineering food, dopes. If you eat, you DO consume genetically modified food. Just like your ancestors. Nothing new. Nothing scary. I am getting SO sick of…

*author’s note: ACHEM. Can you put the soap box away? I’m trynna do a Roundup here!*

*editor’s note: Oh. Heh. Uh…sorry. Carry on. #GMOs4life…literally *

IF there are no more interruptions…*looks at the editor*…and we’re all clear how this works, then let’s begin.

– Trump Camp Sued By Kids’ Dance Troupe

Children. Even C H I L D R E N know the score! COME ON AMERICA.

– Karlie Kloss’ Trainer Chooses Sleep Over Workouts

If that’s what it takes, then I must be the absolute Queen super model. Well shit. Better jet off to Milan or something. I’mma just lie down for a minute first…

– 815 Pounds of Cocaine Found in Coca Cola Factory

Sometimes this hipster trend of reverting to the “original recipe” goes slightly awry.

– Miss Texas USA Completely Bombs First Pitch Attempt

OUTRAGE! We can’t have a “USA” pageant queen disgrace America’s pastime like that! If you can’t pitch a baseball while wearing platform heels, fake nails, a tiara, and your beauty sash because execs told you that you MUST look pretty for the camera, you don’t deserve the title. Let’s start a campaign to strip her of her sash right now. #norespectforAmerica

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

I’m impressed he could get a car started in the first place. You’d think he’d just flop around in the seat.

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

Don’t feel bad, buddy. Everyone crashes on Rainbow Road.

*a fishing AND gaming joke there! My kids would be so pissed off if they read that. SCORE.*

– Hailey Baldwin Reveals Her Celebrity Crush

I’m feeling a bit bitchy today. I think I’ll leave you all hanging.

– Why the IRS May Delay Your Tax Return Next Year

Oh, I dunno…maybe because financial news is boring and there’s almost nothing at all they could write to get people to actually click on an article unless it “might” impact their tax return so the editor is forced to throw out a random wild theory that “may” happen just to get people to click enough times to generate some actual ad revenue? Just a guess.

– Close Call: Navy Pilots Recount Avoiding Crash off Air Craft Carrier

“So, like, we could have crashed, but we just, you know, turned slightly to the left and, like…didn’t.”

– Photo Allegedly Shows Clown Trying to Lure Kids Into Woods in SC

And now we’ve taken a left onto Nope Street in the center of Nopeville, in the merry old land of Nope.

– Anthony Weiner, Who Always Has Something to Say, Goes Silent

About fucking time. He has GOT to be the biggest dope in politics.

– Trump Doubles-down on Border Wall, Insists Mexico Will Pay for It

…hm. Fair point. Okay, so Weiner is the world’s SECOND biggest dope.

– Free Speech or Criminal Threats?

Tough choice. I think I’ll go with free speech, please.

– At Lake Tahoe, Obama Links Conservation to Climate Change

You wily bastards, AP. He linked conservation efforts to a demonstrative SLOWING and EASING of climate change. If you don’t think you’re manipulated at every level of the news, you’re dreaming. Even the headlines slant the story.

– NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Set To Sit Out National Anthem Again on ‘Military Night’ in San Diego

As is his right, folks. It’s the same right that allows you to blast him on social media for doing it. You can’t take away his RIGHTS because of your OPINION. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like what he did. That’s not how freedom works. Gawd I wish more people would remember that.

– Pennsylvania Professor Goes on Hunger Strike Over Tenure Denial

Holy shit. People still have hunger strikes?

– A Sketchy Business

I like how detailed and clear this headline is. Succinctly covers the 5 Ws of journalism. Well done.

– 3.7-billion Year Old Fossil Makes Life on Mars Less of a Long Shot

False. 3.7-billion year old fossils on Earth have zero impact on Mars. #it’strue.Lookitup.

– Couple Faked Everest Climb

Dig it…an Indian couple completely faked climbing up Everest by photoshopping themselves into summit pics. The Nepalese government was so upset at the couple that they BANNED them from climbing any of Nepal’s mountains for TEN YEARS! I can’t tell if it’s a massive overreaction for a photoshop lie, or if it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine if this set precedence for all walks of photoshopping. Phil from accounting showing a photo of him and his hot Canadian girlfriend and sticking with the story even though you can totally see the trademark for the frame company on her sweater, PHIL? Banned from the break room, ten years! Kardashians caught once again cutting and pasting? 10 year magazine cover ban. BOOM. So many positive possibilities. I give you props, Nepal. You’re really onto something.

– Are the Clown Sightings in South Carolina Real?

Better stay away from the entire state just in case.

– Pollsters Fight To Figure Out Trump Phenomenon

People like being angry. They really like having others be angry with them. And they go absolutely gaga when someone in power tells them their anger is a-ok. Mystery solved.

– Why Trump’s ‘Black Outreach’ Is Backfiring

Maybe because he hates black people? That might just have a little something to do with it.

– ‘Bad Apple Culprit’ Hit Pacific Northwest Homes

A dude is going around Portland tossing rotten apples onto people’s roofs. Best hide yo kids and hide yo wives. Those are some mean streets out there.

– Now You Can Buy Adorable Wigs for Your Pets

NO. You stop it. Stop it right now.

– UK Non-profit Hires its First Hedgehog Officer

*facepalms* Guys? Maybe not the best way to make folks take your non-profit seriously.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

*blurrppff* OMG. I just threw up a little.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

…actually, on second thought, I’m picturing my man out in public wearing a matching t-shirt to the one I’ve got on right now. Kittens in space riding a unicorn past a glittery, rainbow-colored moon. I MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

– Canadian Man Dressed As Hockey Goalie Steals Beer

I feel like they didn’t even have to tell us he was Canadian. Kind of implied with the rest of the headline there.

– Former KKK Leader Praises Trump Speech on Immigration

Of.

Course.

He.

Did.

-Planet 9 Found Past Neptune?

Yeah. It’s called Pluto.

– 7 Of Hillary’s Biggest Flip-Flops

Number 3 on the list is my favorite…a pair she picked up on vacation at Arcadia that have seashells glued to the top. Size 10, because that’s all that was in stock and how could she POSSIBLY walk away from seashell flip-flops?

– How to Appear Rich Without Spending Much Money
1. Glitter.

2. Gold spray paint.

3. Lee Press-on Nails

You’re welcome.

– Leslie Jones’ Weight Loss Highlights Up and Down Year

Leslie Jones is a black actress who has recently been the target of the most vile, hateful, racist abuse online I think I’ve ever seen. But guess what, guys? She’s skinnier now! It’s all okay!! *twitch**twitch* Fuck you, Hollywood.

– Another Creepy Clown Incident Reported in Ohio

Oh shit. It’s spreading. #clownapocalypse

– Report: Half of Americans Uncomfortable Visiting Places with Reported Zika Cases

Wait. Didn’t you hear me? Stop muddying the waters with your red herrings. Zika is only rarely fatal. CAN THE SAME BE SAID OF CLOWNS? #wakeupsheeple

– Teen Reports He Was Chased Down By a Clown With a Knife

It has begun.

This is not a drill. Barricade yourselves in your fallout shelters and do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the balloon animals hypnotize you when the clowns come knocking.

Stay strong.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, September 2, 2016. It’ll take me a couple weeks to get the underground network of rebels to band together. Right now folks are still worried about personal safety above all else. I get that. Society needs a bit of “me” time before they can see the importance of developing a strong, unified front against the clowns. It WILL happen, though, and we WILL need your help. Set your ham radios to channel 16 on frequency 156.80 and listen for instructions on joining the fight against the funambulist tyranny!

Time to wrangle the world for a bit

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Mornin’ all.

Has coffee ever just stopped working for you?

It seems like the past couple weeks, my morning Joe does nothing for my pep and vigor. I tried making it even stronger to no avail. I mean, I still had the shakes and twitches, and the alarming sizzle coming from my belly made me tone it back down. But, it didn’t wake me up. No zip. No pop. My nap in a cup seems to be malfunctioning.

What if this is permanent? What if I can’t ever get a buzz from coffee again?!

“*gasp*!”

I KNOW RIGHT!? It’s a terrifying prospect. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary hiccup. I would hate to have to try…tea. *shudder*

Let’s talk about something else. I can’t take the thought of “pinkies up” being my only wake-up option!

I know it’s only technically been a few days, but how’s your summer so far?

Ours has started off with bizarre weather. There’s an old saying about New England: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes. This year, that saying rings particularly true. We went from 92 degrees to 60 and windy as hell, to 70 with a low of 42, then up to 85 again…all in the span of a couple days. I don’t know if the meteorological roller coaster is supposed to continue through the entire summer, but it’s making planning outdoorsy type stuff difficult.

We had a hot day this week where the wind calmed to a dull gale, so I took my kiddies to the town beach.

I don’t know how things operate in other parts of the country, but here, if a town has a lake within their borders, and they see fit to clear enough trees to make a parking area, then they’ve got themselves a town beach. Residents of the town can use the beach for a fee, and the fee varies. Some places make you buy a town beach sticker. Some just ask you to show your car registration upon entry.

Here, a dump sticker is the golden ticket to get to swim in the lake. If you’ve paid your yearly dues for the privilege of handing your refuse over to the underpaid staff of the uppity dump, then step right up and have unfettered access to a natural wonder!

…wellll…not exactly unfettered. To get to our beach, you have to walk down two flights of concrete stairs. To keep erosion at bay, the town also installed concrete walls. Huge, gray, concrete walls. The entire beach is surrounded by concrete. It’s like Nature’s prison cell. With umbrellas.

Once you get down to the sand, you’ll discover that the beach is only about a hundred feet long or so. And the “swim area” goes out maybe thirty feet into the lake.

Now, I’m assuming that you’re picking up my tone with this and get the fact that I think putting such restrictions on nature is utterly absurd. I think there should be open points of access to the lake for all people to enjoy, free from looming concrete walls and a thirty-foot-from-the-shore swim limit. But, at the end of the day, that’s how the town plays it, and my kids wanted to swim. And hey…it’s still better than a pool.

So I took them to swim and frolic in an eerily confined manner.

Because the beach is surrounded by gigantic concrete walls, it’s an echo chamber. I don’t think the mom club that was there that day realized that every little whisper can be heard anywhere within the Bellyflop Dome.

This is a small town. While it’s true that means I know far more about my neighbors on average than I probably should, I really, REALLY didn’t need to hear about the bikini-Mom’s episiotomy stitch failure because of an over-anxious husband after she had her last baby. Coulda done without that knowledge.

Ah well. The kids had some fun. I got some sun. And bikini-Mom got to soothe her aching bits in the water. Wins all around.

Talking to you is helping to wake me up far better than Traitor Joe’s been doing these days. Let’s keep it up. In fact, let’s KICK it up. You know what I’m talking about. I think we all could use a little…

*catchy theme music* *go go dancers can-can on stage*

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Wowie! What a routine! Brava, ladies! I feel more invigorated already.

Yep, another Roundup. I know I’ve been doing them with more regularity these days. Of course I am. The world has gone completely bonkers, and it’s either poke fun or cry. I choose option A.

For any newbs here, we have ourselves a Roundup when we read news headlines we simply cannot ignore. I scour the sticky fibers of internet news sites and bring you the headlines that pop out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing. But mostly, they just put an image in my head I can’t resist sharing. As always, these headlines are 100% real. I just supply a side of snark.

– Brexit Vote Shocks World Leaders

I had to. It’s THE news story of the week. Somehow the UK voted to leave the EU, in spite of the fact that no intelligent person supported the exit.

– Trump Touts ‘Brexit’ as Triumph

See? SEE?! If Donald Trump likes your idea, IT’S A BAD IDEA.

– Economy Takes Major Hit With Brexit News

Of course it did. This is exactly what they knew would happen. They were warned by every expert that this would happen and would continue to snowball. Only an idiot can take the warnings of the experts and completely ignore them.

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

Y’all, naw. Didn’t you JUST hear what happened with the UK? And their economy? And the upheaval it’s causing?

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

But if you do this, life will not suddenly be rainbows and unicorns. It will be the exact opposite. You’ll…

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

*sigh* Fine, then. Bye Felicia.

– Marijuana Use Rises in Iran, With Little Interference

Is pot smoking really Iran’s biggest problem? Really?

– Styled for Survival: This Company Makes Bulletproof Fashionable

I can’t. I just can’t even with this shit today.

– Jack Daniel’s Embraces a Hidden Ingredient: Help From A Slave

And judging by the comments after the article, it’s certainly going to be tough to swallow for many in Jack Daniel’s demographic.

…and yes, pun ALWAYS intended.

– Inside US Scientists’ Test to Grow Potatoes on Mars

Matt Damon already proved you can do that. Pfft. Have a little originality, NASA.

– Who Would Fake a Tragedy on Facebook Just to Get Sympathy and Attention?

The same people who make shit up in real life. Are we surprised that people who are asswads in real life don’t hesitate to take their asswaddery to social media??

– Mother Pens Open Letter When Her Son With Down’s Syndrome Didn’t Get Invited to Birthday Party

…I’m not sayin’ this necessarily goes with the previous article, but…

– Browser the Cat Loses Texas Library Mascot Gig Over Puppy Spat With City Council

Okay, I’m totally turned around on the Texit. Let me help you pack your bags, Texas.

– Gun Advocate Shoots and Kills 2 Daughters Before Being Killed by Police Herself

The cops actually shot a white suburban female criminal. #truefeminism #equality

– Dalai Lama, Lady Gaga Urge Kindness in Indy

Can’t read my, can’t read my citta-matraaaa….

– Survey: Older Drivers Want Car Tech to Stay Behind the Wheel

You’re trying to tell me older folks are resistant to newfangled gizmos? Hogwash and balderdash!

– Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

Top headline in the No Shit Gazette today.

– Tenn. Couple in Same-Sex Ruling Quietly Celebrates

…with full press coverage. Just a small affair with millions of their closest friends.

– In Maine, Sustainability Showdown Scraps Seaweed Shindig

As a non-Maine New Englander, it’s kind of my obligation to skewer them. But you know what? They’re still reeling from the loss of their seaweed hootenanny. They have so little up there as it is, and the disappointment must be intense. Let’s not kick them when they’re down.

– Boston Bombing Survivors Visit Pulse Shooting Victims

Most awkward one-upmanship contest ever.

– Most Iconic Restaurants in All 50 States

They claim it’s the Portsmouth Brewery for NH. Bitch please. Everyone knows it’s Newick’s. *603 fistbump*

– Drones Take a Big Step Toward the Mainstream

NO. #fighttherobotuprising #no-verlord.com

– Pastor Battles Colorado City Over Jesus-related Ads on Bus Benches

…da faq is a Jesus-related ad? “WWJD? Jesus would pick up the phone right now and take advantage of this offer for insane savings…”

*author’s note: For the record, I could have made that so, SO much worse. If that made you mad, just know that if I had gone with my initial quip, you’d be punching your computer screen in rage. I saved your electronics. I’ve got your back.*

– The Dirty Secret of Airbnb is That It’s Really, Really White

Look. Lay out the basic idea for Airbnb in straight facts: It’s a business that allows people to go on vacations they can’t really afford (because Betty’s family took one and goddamn if they’ll let that strumpet show them up) by offering them the ability to stay at a complete stranger’s house (because for some unfathomable reason there’s an innate trust in those who ALSO want to take vacations THEY can’t afford)… I don’t know if there has ever been a more white business plan in the last decade. Is it right? No. But is this a secret to anyone? It really, really shouldn’t be.

– Clinton: Cities Are Where Things Are ‘Getting Done’

Wow. Glad she’s got a deep, meaningful insight to our nation’s economy.

*oops, got a little too much sarcasm on your screen. Lemme just squeegee that off for ya…*

– Mobster ‘Whitey Bulger’ Auction Raises Over $100,000

$100,000!? Who ARE these people that buy this shit!? Who says, “Holy cow, Eunice! Whitey Bulger’s humidor is up for sale! Think of how many blood splatters it’s got! I MUST OWN THIS.” ??!?! Sick fucks, that’s who. #pleaseletthemallmovetoTexasbeforeTexit

– How to in 60 Seconds Make-up

…huh? Like, after a fight? Cosmetic make-up? Imagination churning? Any clue at all would be helpful.

– ‘Regretting Motherhood’ Debate Rages in Germany

I don’t understand the debate here. “I regret becoming eine mutter.” “NEIN.” “But…” “I SAID NEIN.”

– An Animated Video Shows Why China is Right- And the US Is Wrong- In the South China Sea

*gasp* Animated!? Well then it MUST be true.

– Partying in Lebanon Means Shooting Guns in the Air- Even Though it Kills People

Ain’t no party like a Lebanese party cuz a Lebanese party only stops for the people who get killed. Woot woot.

– White Nationalists, Protesters Clash in California; 10 Hurt

I don’t even feel bad for hoping that the injured were all on the Klan side.

– David Bowie’s Hair Might Fetch More Than $4,000

Oooh, we have ourselves a philosophical conundrum this morning. What’s creepier: buying Whitey Bulger merch, or getting giddy over the prospect of holding a dead dude’s hair? *strokes beard in contemplation*

– The New World’s Fastest Supercomputer is All Chinese

Duh. MY computer is all Chinese. So is my phone, my tv, my tablet… The only thing NOT Chinese about any of this shit is the company name stamped on the outside. We cannot have the Chinese make our shit for 30 years and then be surprised that they picked up some tips along the way. #fact.

– Before the Robots Rise Up, They’ll Be Making Your Next Pizza

Aw shit. I always thought the chef at the pizza place down the way seemed a little distant and not quite right. The question is, is he an android himself, or just an unwitting tool of the impending digital apocalypse? #poorPaco

– New Device Could Help Bike Riders Catch Cars That Drive Too Close

“Okay, I got it. What we do is get a big net…you with me so far?”

– Apple Files Patent to Make it Easier to Use iPhone One-handed

Say it with me: NOBODY CARES.

– Isn’t She Lovely? Meet SweePee Rambo, This Year’s ‘World’s Ugliest Dog’

Um, I think you just answered your own question there.

– Couple Call Police And Report Their Pet Cat is ‘Holding Them Hostage’

Don’t laugh. The struggle is real. #catsaredicks #fluffywuffydicks

– Orthodox Chiefs Warn Over Middle East, Science Dangers

Wow. It’s CUH-RAZY that in this day and age, the Middle Eastern nations are still having conflicts between religion and science. If everyone shunned science, we’d still think the earth was flat! What a backwards, barbaric society.

Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

… … … …

…yeah. Seems like a good place to leave it for the day…

 

Thus concludes a Roundup for Monday, June 27, 2016. I’ve got to crack into another set of window motors in the man’s car today. I don’t know how many it’ll take before I’m an expert in these old w123 windows, but I gotta be getting close at this point. Which is cool. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something. It would be more useful to be an expert in almost anything else. But, if it has to be 32 year old MB diesel window motors, I guess I’ll take it.

I hope I have enough tissues today…

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Mornin’ all.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am completely and totally procrastinating. I have a list a mile long of tasks that must be finished, and, even in the best of scenarios, won’t. Me chatting it up on the internet is not helping anything whatsoever.

There. I think that’s what they mean when they say “own it.” I’m fucking up, I KNOW I’m fucking up, I plan to continue to fuck up…but I’m “owning it.” What’s the penance for this situation? Like three limericks, one hippocratic oath, and the last stanza from Stairway to Heaven? Will that be enough to guarantee my absolution?

See, this is going to be one busy ass weekend for us here at the house of insanity. Today, Teen Prime graduates high school *sniff*. Concurrently, my mother in law’s train arrives at a station about an hour and a half away. I work today, work extra early tomorrow. My dining room/workshop is one hot mess because of the transmission job, and the mutha effin’ dryer broke. AGAIN. Sunday we’re throwing a graduation cookout. I still haven’t bought his gift. At some point I need to make it to a store about half an hour away to get bulk bug spray because my youngest is a tick magnet and that shit’s expensive if you just buy the little cans, and I need to figure out when I’m going to make “a graduation cake, but instead of cake, make it peanut butter cookies stacked to LOOK like a cake.” Because that would be “sick.”

“Oh, Bethie. You should probably go.”

I know, right? And yet here I am.

I’ve just got too much energy at the moment to focus. I’m looking at a huge list of things that must be done, and yet my mind is all spinny. I figured I’d pop on here and collect my thoughts.

Have some coffee. Since the MIL is on her way, we sprung for the stuff that doesn’t come with a hazmat warning label. *sip* Come on. Don’t be shy. *slurp*

…*sigh* I didn’t make it.

“In that case…” *pours coffee*

I can’t believe my baby is graduating. I can’t believe I’m old enough to have a baby that’s graduating.

When he was little, he was very little. He was way shorter than the average kid, and didn’t start catching up in height until 8th grade. He started kindergarten about the height of a 3 year old. The first week of kindergarten, I walked him into his school playground every morning. On the second or third day, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. An older and much bigger boy started laughing at him.

“Did you just kiss your mommy?” the boy sneered. He was one of those picture book nasties. Blond, expensive clothes, horde of cohorts at his elbows hoping some of the “cool” would trickle off him. I was about to tell Kindergartener Prime not to listen, or spout some other useless parenting advice, when he handled it way better than I ever could have.

My tiny little peanut put his fists on his hips, squared his shoulders and said, “Of course I kissed my mom! What’s the matter with you? Don’t you kiss YOUR mother?”

You know what? He has come a long way since that day on the playground. And in some ways, he’s still that same guy.

Gah. *waves hands in front of eyes* Now I’m misty. Why’d you get me talking about this? *sniff*

Enough with emotions. I’mma have a lot of those later, and I still have to work. I am an ugly crier, one of those horror shows who looks like she’s just eaten shellfish when she knows damn well she’s not supposed to touch it but just can’t help it when Lobsterfest comes around. My eyes puff. My face in general puffs. My nose does a spot-on Rudolph impression and then I get so stuffy that everything comes out sounding like I’m under water. And I hiccup. And my breath hitches…for HOURS.

It ain’t pretty.

Let’s get our heads in a different space. Namaste and all that shit. I think for today’s palate cleanser, we should fall back on Old Reliable. Hey, band? Take a break from practicing Pomp and Circumstance, call the go-go dancers to the stage, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Yep! An old fashioned roundup! What better way to reset the mood and get us jazzed for a difficult day? For any new folks dropping by, a Roundup happens when I’m looking through the old internets and I see headlines that are poorly worded, badly phrased, intriguing, or just plain stupid. Basically, if I have a reaction to them, I share. I do it all for you. As always, the headlines are bona fide. I just add some smartassery.

Shall we begin?

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I suppose that’s the natural evolution of the robot uprising we all knew was coming.

– ‘The Situation is Serious’: Justin Bieber’s Team Fears He May Be Heading for a ‘Breakdown’

K.

– Owl Hugs Man Who Saved Her

They’re now besties on FB, too.

*author’s note: I had seven puns I could have put here. I took the high road seven times for you. I just felt you should know that.*

– Mom Writes Letter to Doctor

False. The mom wrote an open letter to social media because she was starved for attention. If she had written a letter to her doctor, we never would have known about it. Can we start bitch-slapping these people yet? Isn’t there a bill before Congress to make that legal? Isn’t that why I pay taxes??

– Links are Seen Between Brain Damage and PTSD

*record screech* WUT. I’m so floored by this I can barely pull myself together to type.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Sorry, but I can’t shake this one. While I am staunchly opposed to the robot uprising, I must say it might not be a terrible idea for teens to lose their virginity to a completely safe, clean, non judgmental robot. Think about your first. Wouldn’t it have gone a lot smoother without the awkwardness and crying? Just sayin’.

– Curry’s New Shoes Get Heavily Mocked

NBA dude released a new sneaker that looks like it’s made for an 80 year old with plantar fasciitis. What did he really expect?

– Movie Review: Warcraft

Don’t. Just…don’t. And I’m saying that as a gamer who would LOVE it if Hollywood could somehow actually gather the magic of a video game and translate it to a movie. Warcraft is too personal, too expansive, too everything to make into one little movie. If you love Warcraft, you WILL hate this film because it cannot possibly be an accurate representation of your personal Warcraft experience. #justsayno

– ‘We’re Horrified’: Stanford Shaken By Sexual Assault

THE HELL YOU ARE. Oh. OH this makes me SO mad!!! A sexual assault is reported at Stanford an average of once every two weeks. For YEARS. And it’s been largely ignored, once every two weeks, for YEARS. But NOW? Now, after how many students have been victims, NOW you care? Let’s keep it real, Stanford. You don’t care about the impact your collegiate rape culture has on victims. You care about the impact this negative press is having on your wallet. FUCK. STANFORD.

*deep breath*

– Retirement Planning Mistakes You’re Making

Silly article acting like my Powerball plan might not be the best idea. Quit playin’. You know that shit’s solid.

– Manziel Served Lawsuit Papers While Partying

Talk about a buzzkill!

– Calif. Gun Owners Vow to Fight Concealed Weapons Ruling

Of course they do.

– House Passes Puerto Rico Relief Bill As Debt Payment Looms

Okay, fair enough. My tax dollars are probably better spent on things like this. I guess I’ll lobby for the right to bitch-slap attention whores on a local level.

– Death in Boiling Hot Spring Shows Challenges Rangers Face

Uh…I’m not trying to be insensitive or anything, but is it really a “challenge” to not go swimming in the boiling hot spring?

– Times Square Performers to be Limited to Painted Areas

It’s not going to be that hard for the performers to know the limits. Just look for the mimes pressing their faces against the invisible wall.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Zero chance of pregnancy. No pacing the living room at 12:14 wondering if you should start calling the ERs and jails…

– 500 Year Old Shipwreck Filled With Gold Coins Found in Namibian Desert

It’s always difficult to pinpoint what went wrong in these old wrecks, but I’m thinking the fact that they navigated into a desert might have a little something to do with it.

“Uh, Bethie?”

Hush.

– Anupama Shenoy Says She Does Not Have a Facebook Account

Good to know. Glad MSN was on top of this one.

– China’s Communist Party Wants to Turn Up the Propaganda

Aw yeah, boi! Crank that shit up! Most honorable leader ’bout to raise the roof with his sick lyrics!! WUT WUT!

– Tel Aviv Suspect Discovered Hiding in Home of Off-duty Cop

See? SEE, world!? Stupid criminals aren’t just a ‘Merican thing! #idiocyhasnoborders

– Trump Would be ‘Coward’ to Snub Scotland Mosques

Is the rest of the world JUST cluing into the fact that Trump is a coward? Seriously?

– China Leads Move to Nix India’s Entry into NSG

Those bitches aren’t cool enough for this Communist Party! WUT WUT!

– Israeli Survey Finds Little Support For Trump in Arab World

Mirroring our own survey results over here. We’re not that much different, folks. #sanityhasnoborders

– Pakistan Turns Up Efforts to Enter NSG

The old slip the bouncer an oil field trick. Classic. WUT WUT!

– Family Accused of Running Drug Lab in Sprawling Home

They cooked their meth in the spacious, modern kitchen which overlooked the weigh station based in the contemporarily furnished open-floor designed dining room/den.

– Feds: Man Posing as Football Player Sought Nude Selfies

Why are they surprised? It’s the internet. OMG…do the feds NOT know how the internet works?

– How to Protect Your Twitter and Facebook Accounts from Hackers

You hackers look the other way for a minute while we read this. After all, we wouldn’t want you to know how we’re avoiding your attacks. Now I’mma go ahead and open this article, but I’m trusting that you’ll follow the honor system.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

…of course, maybe all the positives are what the robots WANT me to focus on. Holy shit. Do you think I’m playing right into their plan? Am…am I being an unintentional harbinger!??

– Human-carrying Taxi Drone to be Tested in Nevada

Sooooo…a plane?

– 38 Tips and Tricks to Master Periscope

38 seems like a lot of new things to have to master to use an app. My limit is, like, 2.

– Tinder Will Ban Under-18s From Using Their App

First: Oh, banning from an app? There’s NO possible way around THAT. Second: THIS WASN’T ALREADY THE POLICY!!??

– Domino’s to Track Australian Customers on Way to Store

Domino’s, why so creepy?

– Family Enlists Help of German Shepard to Pull Out Girl’s Tooth

In all fairness, he was the only one in the home with any dental training.

– Man Tries to Sneak Out Steak In His Pants

“Steak.” Yeah. Sure. We’ll go with that.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I’m turned around on this, folks. While on the surface there seem to be many benefits to robot/virgin relationships, I don’t know that we can overlook the dangers. I think we need to unite as creatures of biology and stop these robots from sexing up our virgins. I’m not ready to bow down to the robot uprising yet. #NOT.ON.MY.WATCH

Thus concludes a Roundup for Graduation Day, 2016. I’m a mess today. What’s it going to be like when I have TWO leaving me next year?! Gah. Time to go bury my feelings through a burst of housework…

The only tale of muffins on the internet that’s G-rated

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Mornin’ all.

Have you ever wondered why kitty kibble comes in various shapes?

We ran out of my cat’s food and couldn’t find her brand here in town. I’m hoping they didn’t discontinue it, because she’s kind of a picky asshole when it comes to food. A search of the stores in a bigger metropolis is required, but in the meantime, I had to get her a different brand to tide her over.

The food she normally eats has round kibble. That makes sense, seeing that cats don’t give one single damn about what shape their crunchy food is. However, this brand tries to entice cats to eat it with shapes that include fish, Xs, and cat heads.

Cat heads.

CAT HEADS.

Kitty is not amused.

If I can’t procure some quality kibble soon, that bitch gonna cut me. I already woke up to her standing on my chest and glaring. She’s one more bowl of sub par morsels away from whipping out a shiv. It’s gonna get real.

I’ll take my littlest up to the big city to do some errands today. He’s been feeling a tad insecure the past couple weeks, and I think he might need a little Mum time. He’s been fretting about my new job.

He shouldn’t fret, but, like me, he’s a natural worrier. I’m working in the bakery of a grocery store. “Mother’s hours.” The hiring manager actually called them that. I told her that term was more old fashioned than I would have expected in today’s modern working world (no, no…don’t worry. I wasn’t being an asshole. I already knew her, and the ‘interview’ was pretty much us shooting the shit). I mean, don’t you think that’s weird with all the careful wording corporations use today?

Before I could start my stint as the muffin man, I had to take what are called “CBTs”. Computer Based Training. You sit and watch little videos on the computer and take tests about what you’ve watched. Of course there were important ones, like food safety procedures and bakery equipment protocols. I didn’t mind sitting through those, because it’s been a whole lot of years since I’ve used professional equipment and I’ve really grown quite fond of my fingers. It might sound greedy, but I’d really like to keep them all.

So, some of the CBTs were absolutely necessary and very much appreciated. However, most of them were about the corporation, their mission statement, their history (complete with a peppering of dates that I thought at the time couldn’t possibly be all that important…you’ve seen enough sitcoms to know that they were. Glad I got three tries at taking the test for that one…), their view on team members, etc. The worst one was a fifteen minute narrated slide show of the friendly side of the company. It had pictures of various employees hard at work with big smiles on their faces while the narrator explained how important they are to the company. And it was filled with puns.

I had to sit through fifteen minutes of corporate puns.

I lived through them, though, and am now a bakery team member. I even have a baseball cap. And a slightly icing-covered name badge.

I’ve been an at home mum for a very long time. There’s a bit of a learning curve to life taking on a new job. I’m getting into the swing, slowly but surely, and it was very nice to cash a real paycheck. I like the work itself, the people so far have been very cool, and it’s a kitchen. No false modesty around this one, now. While my self esteem is lodged somewhere in the sewer in a lot of respects, I have always rocked a kitchen.

When I was a teen thinking about my future, I went to a culinary school for baking. I instantly loved being in a bakery. Then life happened, and kids started popping out like Pez. I’m not sorry for the unexpected veer my road took, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss being in a bakery.

It smells good, and in ways you wouldn’t expect. A bakery does not smell like sweets and treats most of the time. There’s an underlying scent, a mix of old yeast and apple donut filling that’s slightly off and disinfectant and hot ovens. It might sound off-putting, but something about all those scents coming together turns them into an olfactory symphony.

It sounds good. The clanking of the pot washer, the gentle swish of the dough hooks, the hum and buzz of the Hobarts. Oven timers beeping, the dough baller chugging, the clicking of the muffin scoop plopping batter into the pans. And the chatter of the bakers, louder than most of the departments so voices can be heard over the oddly soothing cacophony. It all combines to just feel so warm and welcoming.

“Um, Bethie? Are we going to wax eloquent all morning?”

Okay, okay. I get it. You came here for lighthearted banter, not a Creative Writing 101 assignment. I didn’t intend to blather on so much anyway. Believe it or not, I had a totally different agenda this morning.

*waves to the left* *motions to the right* *go go dancers take the stage* *the band starts up with a polka version of the catchy theme music*

You know what time it is! Say it with me!! It’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Wow what an intro! Fantastyczny!!

It’s been awhile since we’ve poked fun at the news outlets. I thought what better way to spend my morning off than rounding up the headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re silly, sometimes they’re stupid. Usually, though, they just put an image in my head I must share. As always, these headlines are real. Unless the robot uprising has happened at the news outlets, a real human thought them up. I gather them and present them to you, with jokes. Shall we begin?

– Gay Gun Group Believes Court Win Puts Homophobes on Notice

I took a lot of English courses, and I can honestly say I’m shocked that these words can be strung together in the same sentence like this.

– Clinton: Trump is “Not Qualified” To Be President

Wowie! What a scathing indictment that would have been a year and a half ago!

– Tiny, Red Crabs Invade California Beach

So, you know…wrap it up.

– Emancipation Proclamation: The 13th Amendment to Hit the Auction Block

There is a deep, meaningful, and timely metaphor somewhere in here. Unfortunately, I promised we’d just do jokes for this section. Sorry. Get deep on your own.

– Oklahoma Lawmakers OK Bill Criminalizing Performing Abortion

Does everybody but me have a goddamn time machine? Didn’t we settle this ages ago?!?

– ‘More Will Die’: The Ethics of Up-Close Tornado Chasing

The “ethics”? It’s not an ethical issue. It’s a stupidity issue. God modern society is frustrating sometimes. Can’t let a woman decide on her own whether or not to have a baby, but gotta raise a stink and fuss when grown idiots want to get personal video of a tornado. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

“Ahem, Bethie?”

Oh. Right. Jokes. Sorry.

– Senate Approves $1.1B to Fight Zika Virus

Production Begins Immediately on Tiny Little Swords for the Battle

– Milwaukee Custard Shop Under Fire for English-Only Policy

I want to imagine the idea for this custard shop went something like this: Two upper middle class stoner kids were sitting around the in-ground pool one day eating the fancy desserts their mum ordered for a dinner party later. “Custards are mad sick, yo,” said one. “Aw hells to the YEAH,” said the other. “Dude, wouldn’t it be sweet to have a store of, like, all the custards?” “You’re a fucking genius, brah.” “But only for peeps who speak English.” “Totes.”

– Louisiana Lawmaker’s Stripper Weight ‘Joke’ Draws Rebukes

HOLD THE PHONE. Are you trying to tell me that a lawmaker joked about a stripper’s weight and people are upset by it?! Stunned. Absolutely gobsmacked.

– Congressman Wants to Strip IRS of ‘Guns and Badges’

Congress, the body that creates tax laws, wants to make it impossible for the body of government that enforces the tax laws to have enough clout to actually do the enforcing. … … …YAY!!! NO MORE TAXES!!!! Let’s have a ticker tape parade with our shredded W-2s!!

– Grammar Fail, Or Do Texas Republicans Believe Most Texans Are Gay?

Why must it be one or the other? Can’t they have poor grammar AND a shitty attitude? Come on, Reuters. Stop trying to fit them into one box. #IdiocySpansManyCategories

– Nearly 8 in 10 Public Pools Fail Routine Safety Inspections

Keep that in mind next time you send your kids off to steep in the town’s toilet.

– Grand Jury Finds Fault All Around In Plum Sex Scandal But Files No Charges

Plum…sex…scandal… It’s too early. I can’t even. Let’s just move on…

– Chinese Government-backed Social Media Users Flood Web

I can’t wait to read their completely honest and unbiased tweets.

– Boston Official Charged With Union-Related Extortion

The No Shit Gazette’s really pumping ’em out today, eh? *sorry, Bostonians. You know I love ya.*

– Open Your Door, By Knocking On it? This Device Can Do That

This has zero potential to end up in sitcom-level embarrassment.

– Harvard Engineers Have Designed a Soft, Wearable Robot

OH MY GOD SO CREEPY

– Scientists Have Found a Way to Make Wood Transparent

Holy shit! I wonder what they’re going to call it? I’m pretty good at naming things. Lemme give it a shot… Hm… Glasswood. Crystapine. NO! I got it! PLASTIC. Short, catchy, easy to say. I’m going to go trade mark that shit before someone else beats me to the punch.

– Google Patent Glues Pedestrians to Self-Driving Cars

…wut?

– Google Patent Glues Pedestrians to Self-Driving Cars

…nope. Doesn’t make any more sense the second time around.

– This Gloriously Disturbing BBC Tweet Has Created The Year’s Oddest Hashtag

#FishThatLiveUpBums Yep. I’d say that qualifies.

– SpaceX Appears to Be on Track for Mars by 2018, But Has Legal Hurdles to Clear

The Martian government is notoriously strict on travel visas. No one from earth has successfully passed the probing part of the physical exam. I wish SpaceX luck with this one.

– Dronebuster Will Let You Point and Shoot Command Hacks at Pesky Drones

*sniff* Stop. You had me at “dronebuster”. *sniff*

– Chinese Couple Spends Wedding Night Copying Constitution

Whoa sorry! Didn’t mean to take this post to the gutter. Should have put a NSFW warning before that steamy headline. I’ll be more vigilant in the future.

– You Can Now Throw Axes Around in London

Pip pip sign me up!

– Beer Mile Champ Getting Paid Big Bucks to Drink and Run

I believe the event will coincide with this year’s Darwin Awards.

– University Says Graduation Caps Cause ‘Avoidable Injury’

If you are a university that has such little confidence in your seniors’ ability to think for themselves that you issue warnings about damn hats, then I fully believe you have failed at your job and owe those seniors a refund.

– Couple Lives the Dream, Weds in Front of 700 Cats

Chin up! If they found each other in this crazy, mixed up world, there’s hope for you yet.

– What Does Trump Want in a VP?

My guess is a nice rack and a willingness to give him a “Bill Clinton” in the oval office.

– A Ban On Skinny Jeans?

Dear god YES. Thank you.

– Is This The World’s Most Instagrammed Coffee?

It makes me sad that there is actually someone out there who keeps track, but not quite as sad that THIS is what a respected news outlet feels is actually news.

– Images That Prove Photography Still Matters

I don’t think anyone ever said it didn’t matter. Feeling a little insecure, are we CNN?

– Did Coach Tell LeBron to Shut The F— Up?

Well someone’s gotta say it.

– Taiwan Installs 1st Woman President

“Installs?” What a weird way to put it. Unless…unless the robot apocalypse is upon us. *gasp* SO IT BEGINS.

– Since No One’s Buying Clothes, Here’s What the Stores Are Selling

My guess would be splatter guards for frying pans and copious amounts of sunscreen.

– Capt. Kirk Takes Command of Navy’s New $4B Destroyer

This is some straight up governmental fat cat bullshit! They should totally have followed the Wars model…cheaper, faster, lighter, and you get Han Solo! Plus, all the lower level officers wouldn’t constantly be dying. Just what are you trying to say with this type of statement, US Navy? HM?! STAR WARS IS SUPERIOR TO STAR TREK IN EVERY WAY.

– Trump: Clinton ‘Isn’t Qualified’ to be the President

Did…did Trump just do a “Nuh uh, YOU’RE the poopy head?” Oh fuck me. I can’t. I can’t have a president who can’t come up with a better zinger than “I’m rubber you’re glue.”

– Deep Sea Explorers Spot ‘Ghost Shark’

ZOMG. I call dibs on pitching “Ghost Shark” to Syfy for their next original movie.

– New Dinosaur Species Unveiled At Ottawa Museum

Shouldn’t that always be “old” dinosaur species unveiled?

– Blue Moon Rises Saturday- But it Won’t Be Blue

So…just the moon, then.

– Vietnam Frees Jailed Dissident Priest Ahead of Obama’s Visit

We used to do the same to our little sister five minutes before Mum was due home from work.

– Hubble Snaps a Fetching New Portrait of Mars

For the shoot, Mars wore a classic Bohemian number with just the most darling string of pearls. No wonder SapceX is so hot to “colonize”. Ooh la la.

– Feds: Failures Led to And Prolonged California Oil Spill

My tax dollars funded this investigation. *bangs head on desk*

– Evidence Scant California’s Licensed Illegal Immigrant Drivers Getting Insurance

In the country illegally? Cool. Become a licensed driver somehow? All good. But if they think they can get away without carrying full coverage THEY’VE CROSSED THE LINE.

– Evidence Scant California’s Licensed Illegal Immigrant Drivers Getting Insurance

…I’m just saying, it’s an odd straw that broke that camel’s back.

– Colo. Mom Arrested After Video of Child Abuse Posted Online

Whenever you find yourself cursing the internet and modern technology, just think about this story and know that kids are safer because fucking idiots have the tools to announce to the world they are, indeed, fucking idiots.

– Texan Arrested for 7th DWI After Crashing in Front of Police HQ

At least he saved them a trip. Silver lining?

– AI Will Condemn Humans to Life of Uselessness, Says Historian

False. AI will condemn humans to life of painful, meaningless servitude. It’ll still be a bleak existence, but I wouldn’t call it useless.

– Apple Supplier Hints at an All-glass iPhone

Damn it sheeple. Haven’t you figured out by now that they are just trying to come up with ways for your phone to break faster so you rush out and buy another? If Apple releases a glass iPhone and you buy it, I’m sorry, but we’re done. That’s my no give.

– Craigslist Ad Boasting ‘I Sell Weed’ Leads to Bust

Is there any other way that could have gone?

– Huge Peach, Scorned By Some, Plucked From Atlanta Skyline

I think we found the other party in the Plum sex scandal.

– Vodka Contains Fog Harvested From San Francisco Skies

Hipsters, put down that Pabst. You have a new god now.

– Atari is Developing ‘Centipede’ and ‘Missile Command’ Movies

Okay. I get the Missile Command. You can make a big back story and have explosions ‘n shit and it’ll be a fun couple hours. But Centipede? How in the HELL are they going to turn THAT into a movie?!

“Bethie, you’re going to pitch Ghost Shark to Syfy.”

…touche.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, May 21, 2016. I’m off to find some silly b-day wishes for my nephew then get my young pup on the move before the cat loses her shit completely.

An eerie sounds rolls through the cold, dark house…

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Mornin’ all.

If you were sitting in my house right now, you’d be breaking out the ghost hunting supplies. There are spooky, eerie moans coming from the other room. It sounds like a tortured soul trying desperately to make contact with anyone who can right the injustices of his former life so he can finally traverse the mist and enter the white light.

Oooooh. Scary.

In actuality, it’s simply one of the teens. He sleep groans. It’s kinda like talking in his sleep, only far more hilarious. At times like this, he sounds like a ghost. Think hokey sheet with two eyes cut out and banal level prankster underneath waving his arms and saying “wooo-oooo-oooo”. It’s exactly like that. At other times, he sounds like a chain saw in the distance. He’ll start really low, then go up in pitch, then back down.

See? Comedy gold.

His teen roomie doesn’t find it so funny. But that one snores, so I don’t really think he’s got a leg to stand on.

Say, remember when I went to the uppity dump the other day? Well, I went again yesterday.

“Hoping to hear more about Hillary, Bethie?”

Nope. I’m excavating a closet I haven’t touched in probably six, maybe even seven years, and who knows how long it’s been since I’ve been all the way to the floor? We’re talking cretaceous period, folks. I’ll let you know if I find fossils.

ANYWAY, I went back to the transfer station with a load of cardboard for recycling. I dumped it in the container, then broke down the box I carried it all in to add to the recycling bin. A snotty ass woman comes up to me and said, “It was good of you to break down the box first and be considerate of others. Good for you.”

Let me paint the picture. She had a stack of six tupperware totes by her car. Each tote was labeled. Each label was written in loopy cursive. The labels were laminated.

The woman herself was probably around my age. She wore a pink vest even though it was only 30 degrees. She had fingerless gloves on. She wore a sweatband as an ear warmer. Clearly this is a woman who has completion issues.

Before she approached me, she was sorting her recycling, which was silly, since it was already sorted and cursively-labeled. Trust me. Anyone who takes the time to loop and twirl the esses in “glass” has then filled said container with the intended material. So what she was actually doing was making a show of looking like she was sorting her recycling.

“Look at me!” she all but screamed. “I care so much about the environment that I refuse to waste material on silly things like fingertips on my gloves or sleeves! And I don’t just recycle…I DOUBLE recycle!”

You know the type.

And then to turn around and be condescending to me? Gah. What a self-righteous *grumble**mutter*… People like that really piss me off. I get it, lady. You’re recycling. Good for you. Want a fucking medal or something?

No, wait. She doesn’t get the medal. I get the medal in that scenario because unlike her, I brought my recycling to the dump in a recyclable container.

“OOOOOOHHHH!!!”

WUT. *drops the mic*

…*pics mic back up, brushes it off*

Seriously. What a douche.

I was also bemoaning the lack of interesting/joke-worthy headlines when we last spoke. Apparently the internet heard me and responded loud and clear. Or maybe it was just the full moon. Whatever caused it, I’m happy to say….

Strike up the band!

*catchy theme music playing in a minor chord to indicate that it’s almost Halloween*

Oooh! Nice twist! Okay, cue the go-go dancers!

*ladies come out zombie-style, lurching across the stage to the eerie beat*

I am LOVING this! Can we do it every day? …no? Okay, well, then, let’s enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s time for a….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***

*spooky unresolved chord at the end* *zombies all moan “Brains”*

Bravo! Brava! Brav…whatever you say for a zombie! Everyone give that five-star performance a round of applause!

Yes, it’s time for a Roundup. For those who might not know, a Headline Roundup is exactly that. I scour the internet for news headlines that strike my fancy and round them up. Maybe they’re poorly written. Maybe they’re confusing or misleading. Or maybe the editor did the best with a bizarre situation and they leave you with a vague sense of “WTF?” They’re treasures, every one. And like always, they are 100% real. I just supply the wise-assery after. Those are the rules. Step on up and let’s play!

– Victim of UConn Mac and Cheese Tirade Says He Does Not Accept Apology

In fairness, do you know how cutting mac and cheese can be? Some side dishes take it way too far.

– Massachusetts Witch Takes Warlock to Court Over Harassment Charges

Now that’s a sign of progress. Wasn’t that long ago witches weren’t that keen on stepping foot in a courthouse.

– Possible Carcinogen Seeps into Well from Animal Burial Ground

“…homeowners were told immediately to stop drinking the water.” THEY WERE DRINKING THE WATER!!!! ZOMG

– Celebrity Fears, Phobias Revealed

Because the one thing modern celebs absolutely needed was another way for people to torture them over the internet.

– Owner Hears ‘Kaboom’, Finds Car on Roof of Michigan Home

Pea shooter –> potato gun –> punkin’ chunker –> automobile cannon… What did you expect? It’s basic evolution, folks.

– How to Survive Daylight Savings Time and Shorter Days

Finally, a way not to die every single year.

– What Your Least Favorite Chore Says About You

It says doing chores sucks. Does this really need to be an article?

– Environmentalists Warn Snow Leopard Could ‘Vanish’

They’ll melt from the global warming.

– Trump Begs Iowa Voters For Support

And so the desperation phase of the election cycle begins…

– Homeowners Faced with Big Bills to Fix Dams Deemed Unsafe

That’s what happens when you try and upstage the Joneses. Trust me, stick with a moat. Way less upkeep.

– Deer Looking for Love Collide with Cars Instead

Dammit Michigan! Stop firing the auto cannon at the stag clubs right now!

– Prep School Kid and Sis Robbed Drug Dealers

Moral…compass…going…haywire…

– Black Market Butt Fillers Ruined Her Life

…gonna be honest. Once again, I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not to feel bad for anyone in this scenario. You’re confusing me today, MSN.

– Tractor Beam Uses Holograms Made of Sound to Move Objects

YASSSSSSS.

– Rare, Earth-Bound Space Junk Offers Rare Opportunity for Scientists

Oh sure. It’s a “rare opportunity” when THEY go through a pile of junk, but it’s “hoarding” when I do it. Pfft. Double standard much?

– A Scientist Built an AI Computer to Figure Out How to Take Better Selfies

FIRED. You are now officially FIRED FROM SCIENCE. Please pack your bags and head to the bubble gum pop section of humanity immediately.

– Dog Named Trigger Shoots Owner

A woman walks into the bar. She slaps her hand on the counter and says, “I’m lookin’ for the paw that shot my man.”

– Annoying Teddy Bear Sings Until You Destroy It

Heh heh heh. It honestly does. It sings a high pitched, awful version of the birthday song until you actually physically break it. Where can I buy one?

– Singing Teddy Bear Draws Ire, Outrage

The gist is that people believe that creating a bear that must be destroyed is going to turn kids into serial killers. Damn. Looks like they might not be on store shelves anytime soon. Bummer. I had such plans…

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

My guess is that it was savvy enough to get to the head of the line at the life boats promptly to secure a seat.

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

…ya know, reading the headline again, unless you saw the photo of an actual saltine-like cracker, one might easily take this as a really cutting jab against all the wealthy folks who were given priority on the life boats over the rest of the passengers…

– Chewbacca Arrested for Driving Darth Vader to the Polls

CHEWIE NOOOO!!!! How could you switch sides?

– Missing Cat Found With Wine Hangover

…how do they know it was wine?

– Russian Police Find Half a Ton of Caviar in Speeding Hearse

Of course they did.

– Student Scores in Reading, Math Drop

Your common core, not hard at work.

– Two People Dead After Explosion At Oregon Gun Range

People died at a gun range? What is this world coming to.

– We Can’t Eat Our Way Out of the Invasive Species Crisis

Duly noted.

– Ford Responds to Trump: ‘Facts Are Stubborn Things’

Oh snap. Need a little aloe for that burn, Trump?

– Ex-cop Gets Year in Jail for Asking to Lick Woman’s Feet

Texas, not Florida. Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.

– Idaho Agency Finds Historic Footage of Parachuting Beavers

I KNEW IT. They tried to cover it up, but I friggin’ knew it! You watch. Area 51 footage is next. #thanksSnowden

– Feds: Company Put Cheddar, Swiss in “Real” Parmesan, Romano

Holy shit. No wonder the mac ‘n cheese was so testy. I guess we learned a valuable lesson here. There’s always another side to the story.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, October 28, 2015. Costume making today. I’ve only got one to make this year, and he wants to be the Grim Reaper. You know, keep it light and happy this Halloween. I’ve got an old rusty sickle I think I can turn into a kickass scythe, but I’m on the fence about coating it in fake blood or glowing paint to make it eerie…hm…