Heads up…bad mood.
I didn’t sleep last night. I’m irritated and can’t shut the brain off. I gave up trying, and even though it’s my day off when I was supposed to be able to sleep in, I got up and found a mostly empty pot of coffee, a brand new roll of paper towels shredded to bits on the floor, and I stepped on a cold, squishy chunk of broccoli someone must have dropped last night and never picked up.
“The internet. I’ll get in a better mood if I just pop on the internet for awhile,” I said to myself.
Stop laughing. Stop it right now. I JUST said I didn’t sleep or have coffee yet. Of COURSE I was being a tad delusional! Sheesh.
So, I clicked on my local news site to check the weather, because that’s always a good place to start, and those fuckers decided to go with a new format for giving the weather report: emojis.
Because, you know, I’m not an ADULT or anything. I totally want to log on to see that this morning we’re having what looks like a skull with a barrette for a little while, then a…butt? Yeah, I mean, it’s either a butt or a peach, and how in the hell would a peach make any sense, amiright? We get a giant ass for awhile, until the ass starts taking a radiant dump around noon. Eventually the butt goes away and we get two suns until we watch “The Ass Returns: An Evening Dumping.”
Tomorrow we get a crying skull followed by an ass with a lightning bolt tramp stamp. Fun!
Why did they do this?
There was absolutely zero need to tell me the weather in kindergarten runes. Are people actually too stupid to click and read, “Rain tapering off through the morning, with sunny skies in the afternoon giving way to another rain storm?” WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?? STOP emojifying everything! I’m not a fucking five year old!
Sticking emojis in place of actual news on a legitimate news website is the literary equivalent of pumpkin spice.
“Bethie? You okay over there?”
*sigh* yeah. fine. *sigh* I warned you I was testy today.
“Wanna talk about it?”
I’m not good at talking. Er, I mean, talking about real shit. I’m good at babbling on and on about dumb things, but when it comes to personal feelings, door closed. I know that’s not always fair. I can’t help it. It’s not just a wall to others, it’s a wall for myself that I honestly can’t really seem to get over.
“Well that’s not healthy.”
No shit, Sherlock! Gee, maybe that’s why I’m a hoarder with other obsessive tendencies, anxiety, and low self esteem?
“You don’t have to get sarcastic.”
I do. It’s my coping mechanism.
“…I…I can’t even get mad now.”
Heh heh. I know, right? Thought that one was pretty good, actually.
Look, I got issues. I am well aware. Sometimes they are more in the forefront than usual, and that’s what’s going on right now. I plan to try and have some kind of emotional reset day…cleaning, sorting out my latest collection of greasy car bolts, maybe making a lamp… I’ll work it through like that. It just makes for a real shitty start to the day, especially when I should be looking forward to seeing a tramp stamp on a giant ass in the sky tomorrow.
There’s one thing that always puts me in a good mood, though. Or, at least provides an outlet for the pent up snark.
“Oh! I know! What an excellent idea!”
Cue the dancers, start the catchy theme music, because it’s time for a…
* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *
For those who don’t know, sometimes news headlines are shit. Sometimes they’re poorly worded or misleading. Sometimes they’re plain stupid. And sometimes, they give me a funny mental image I must run to this here internet and share. I always present the headline to you in its natural form…I just photoshop some snark at the end. Everyone on the same page? Good. Let’s jump in.
– Rapper Behind the Song “Sell Drugz” Accused of Selling Drugs
Classic case of profiling, if you ask me. Where’s the justice.
– Preemies Treated to a Halloween Party
Why. I just need to know why.
– Election Workers Prepare for Voters to Head to Polls
– 13 Grizzly Bears Gather in Foothills
This sounds like some crazy apocalypse-harbinging to me.
– Tiny NICU Tots in Halloween Costumes
For real. I honestly do not understand why these babies who are fighting for their lives should be treated like dolls for the parents’ amusement. Savage AF.
– Domino’s Forces Pizza Guy Robbed at Gunpoint to Repay the Money Stolen From Him
*slow clap* New levels of corporate douchebaggery right here, folks. Bravo.
– Scientists Discover ‘Lake of Death’ At the Bottom of the Gulf of Mexico
Lake of…death?? NO!!! Not Bikini Bottom!!!
*fistbump to anyone brave enough to admit they know what I’m talking about*
– Woman Won $43M Jackpot, Offered Steak Dinner Instead
Seems fair. I mean, it was Angus beef.
– The Favorite Foods of Our Presidents
William Henry Harrison’s favorite was squirrel stew. You seemed like you needed to know that.
– Researchers Say This is Why Facebook Users Live Longer
Because 12 years is certainly enough time to make such a bold statement.
– Loch Ness Monster in Alaska?
What? Cryptozoological critters can’t have a little “me time” to recharge their batteries? Have fun on your vacay, Nessie!
– China’s New Stealth Jet Looks Suspiciously Familiar
Whoa. Are you accusing the Chinese of stealing a product and mass-manufacturing it as if it was their own design??
– Sen. Burr Once Helped Ease Export Controls Over Bomb-grade Uranium
Folks, Dem or Rep, one thing we ALL should agree on is the short list of shit we should never, ever export. The list is as follows:
1. Nuclear weapons.
2. The main component in nuclear weapon manufacturing.
3. Cheesecake Factory’s “Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.” That shit’s delicious and we need to keep it all for ourselves.
– Mysterious ‘Alaskan Ice Monster’ Surfaces in Bureau of Land Management Video
Aw hell, Nessie. I know what happens in Alaska is supposed to STAY in Alaska, but didn’t anyone ever tell you there are cameras everywhere in the US? I hope you’ve got some good PR people, because flashing your tits and shouting “Alba gu brath!” is on the internet now, and that shit’s NOT going away on its own.
– Alejandra, Age 7, is Facing A Judge Alone. Is That Due Process?
No, it isn’t, and it’s utterly disgusting. #get.your.shit.together.America.
– Elementary School Cancels Mock Election After Kids Repeat ‘Negative Rhetoric About Minorities’
THIS is the damage that all this smear campaigning does. #GET.YOUR.SHIT.TOGETHER.AMERICA
– Dem’s Attempt to Clone Dead Son Not An Issue in WVa Race
…I don’t even know where to go with this one. You stumped me, MSN. I tip my hat.
– Hillary Clinton Could Be Impeached if She Wins Election
Hm. Plot twist. That would make our pres Tim Kaine, a person who seems generally pretty boring and overall, middle of the road fine. I’m not going to lie. “Boring and fine” sound kind of nice right now, if I’m being honest…
– New Robot Toy Uses ‘Emotions’ To Interact With People
Oh HELL no. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.
– Japan’s Factory of Robots Operates Up to One Month on its Own; Robots Make More Robots Without Human Aid
I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN. But would you listen? NOOOOO. You just HAD to have a cute wittwe wobot that would talk to you, didn’t you? *sigh* Everyone bow down to our new robot overlords.
– Uber Looks To Flying Cars As Next Big Shift
Don’t hold your breath, folks. We’ve been waiting for flying cars since the Jetsons.
– Astronomers Find Hints of Planet Nine
We already HAD a ninth planet. #LongLivePluto #NeverForget #TearsForPluto
– Hard Crash-landing May Have Wrecked Europe’s Mars Probe
Did you know that crashes cause things to be wrecked? Wowie, aren’t scientific discoveries amazing??
– When Pranking Goes Wrong
Always. It ALWAYS goes wrong. No one likes pranks. No one likes people who pull them. Don’t be that guy, okay?
– Baby Rhino Shows Off Belly While Taking Bath
– He Spent $9M on License Plate
And I needed to pay in quarters and dimes to buy a gallon of milk last week. WHY DO MORONS HAVE ALL THE MONEY??? #forREALtho
– Canada’s Positivity Police
Piss off already, eh.
– Can Trump Turn Iowa Red?
Tell a bawdy joke and we’ll find out.
– ‘Pussy Project’ Women Speak Out Against Trump
*smh* I’m sorry, but I just can’t take ‘Pussy Project’ seriously. I just can’t.
– Believe it or Not, This is Earth
HOLD THE PHONE. This isn’t Mars?
– Huma Abedin Is Lying Low
I think they tacked on an extra word at the end there…
– World Series: Can the Cubs Force Game 7?
Can Bethie Care Any Less?
– Man Commutes to Work in Manhattan By Kayak
Hipsters, you have your new Master.
– New Hampshire: Tiny But Important in 2016
“In 2016?” Just in 2016???
Get it straight: 603’s ALWAYS important.
Thus concludes a grouchy Roundup for Wednesday, November 2, 2016. Clocks back this weekend, country *hopefully* back next week. Really looking forward to the election being over. Then we can stop fighting on FB and get back to looking at cats on the internet, as nature intended.