One thing I’ll say about summer, it’s never boring…

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Mornin’ all.

Summer is in full swing. Teen Beta and Teen 2.0 graduated. It was a nice ceremony, even though it was hot and cramped in the surprisingly small school gym due to rain at the usual outdoor site. They had Senator Jeanne Shaheen speak, a pretty big get for this neck of the woods. The teens crossed the stage, shifted their tassels from right to left, and are now men.

…sort of. I mean, I can’t really call Teen 2.0 a “man” yet. He’s only 16. He is just an academically decorated tall child.

The Youngest Pup argued vehemently on behalf of Teen 2.0’s man status. At one point, I said, “So what’s the angle here? What do you think you’re going to gain by getting me to say that Teen 2.0 is an adult?” He said, “Mother. Don’t change the subject.” Every mum knows that if you’re discussing something with a child and they tell you not to change the subject, you hit some nail on the head. I still haven’t figured out exactly what nail that would be. In his mind, there is a beneficial reason for me to call his older bro an adult.

And now I’ve got to finish college stuff. It’s happening. Even if one of them is not, in fact, and adult, they’re both acting like they are. Life is happening as if they are. Time has marched unfairly faster for one and scooped him up to drag into the next chapter before I wanted him to be done with childhood. My stomach has been a churning vortex for days.

At least I still have the Pup, though he’s going into middle school already. Muh baby, in MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! *sniff* I asked him if he could just go ahead and be a little kid for awhile longer, please, and he said, “Don’t worry, Ma. I might be growing up, but I’ll still live here forever.” He paused, then said, “Well, until I move to Japan and raise Kobe beef.”

…*blink**blink*…

#LifeGoals?

Gah. I can’t talk about them growing up. I thought I could. I thought, “Okay, Bethie, you’ve been avoiding this for a couple weeks now and it’s time for some cathartic writing.” I was wrong. This is just making the vortex in my stomach whirl faster.

“You sure it’s not the coffee doing it?”

Admittedly, the coffee/paint thinner isn’t doing me any favors, either. I made this pot since Teen 2.0 is sick with a summer cold and Teen Beta has no interest in coffee or coffee making. I’m trying to teach the Youngest Pup, but so far, every pot of his has grounds in it. I just didn’t want to be chewing my coffee today.

Let’s talk about Other Things.

I had a most peculiar customer interaction at work yesterday. A man came over to scope out the bread cases at the bakery, and I asked if he needed some help. He said, “Not yet, I’m waiting for the womb.” Thinking I heard him wrong, I just gave a, “Oh, okay, well just let me know if you need something.” He said, “The one that grows the babies picks the bread.”

I did not hear him wrong.

I’m waiting. For the womb.

The Womb.

You gotta wonder if the other half of that relationship tells people, “Not yet, I’m waiting for the dick.” Odds are pretty good she does.

The woman in question never came over. She was shopping for other things so he called her on his cell. He turned and looked across center store while talking. I think he was looking at her. He ended up getting a four cheese loaf (highly recommended for either wombs or dicks). He was pleasant enough in every other respect. Smiled. Thanked me. Joked a bit while I was getting the bread. He just calls his other half “the womb.”

I…just…*???*

There were several odd customers yesterday, actually. Odd customers seem to descend in waves. One lady was dressed in old sweat pants, a mini skirt, and a bra. She had purple lipstick tattooed on her face. I didn’t say “lips,” because the tattoo had clearly gone awry and blown out over the years. It was a good half inch wider than her actual lips. And lumpy.

Yes. Lumpy.

She had frazzled hair and her eye makeup rivaled Cleopatra’s.

OH MY GOD! I just now realized who she reminded me of!

Okay, so did you ever see that 90s Johnny Depp movie, “Crybaby?” It was an odd flick, but enjoyable. Well, in the movie, there was a character named Hatchet Face. Take Hatchet Face, dye her hair that odd reddish color one can only get from too much of the wrong kind of peroxide, and give her a vacant, stoned expression. THAT was this customer.

And yes, she actually wore sweat pants under a mini skirt. Not leggings. Actual sweatpants. I’d say she was modest but for the choice of top. Only a bra. Honestly? I think she was just stoned out of her gourd and looking for snacks.

It’s summer, so we’re seeing a lot of questionable outfit choices, as one will when it’s hot.

Look, I don’t care a bit if people want to wear mini skirts or barely-there shorts. I just don’t personally understand the super tiny super tight clothing trend. How can lycra sausage casing possibly be comfortable? Don’t get me wrong. If I had a decent body, I’d give it a go and find out for myself what the attraction is. But, I do not have a body that should ever wear lycra, so I’m honestly curious about the draw.

I watched a woman walk/wiggle yesterday through the whole bakery. Every woman knows the walk/wiggle. It’s a way you walk when you know two things: You have a wedgie, and you’re not in a position to pick it. It’s a step, shimmy, slide kind of movement. And she did it through the whole bakery and beyond.

I just don’t understand these clothes. They’re clearly not comfortable. Any sex appeal you were going for is lost with your wedgie releasing spasmatic lurching. Why wear clothes that are guaranteed to make you an honorary member of the Ministry of Silly Walks?

*Monty Python fist bump*

Then there are the cutoff shorts that are so short their pockets hang out from the bottom…well, it’s not really a “hem”. The frayed cutoff line. You’ve seen these. They are all the rage at the moment. People want to cut their pants shorter and shorter, so what they end up with is essentially a pair of denim panties with pockets that flap in the breeze over their thighs.

Ladies, real talk. It’s not sexy. No guy has ever said, “Holy shit! She’s got pockets? Well sign ME up!”

It looks dumb. Stop it.

“Bethie. Are you…pocket shaming?”

No, of course not. The pockets did nothing but exist. I’m shaming the idiots who think flapping them in the breeze is somehow attractive.

“You’re being very sexist here. I don’t see you going off about men’s summer fashions.”

What’s there to say? Stop wearing socks with flip flops. If you wear shorts, it’s best not to emulate a 1970s basketball team. Knee high socks are great for winter, not great for summer beach wear. And for the love of anything you deem holy, put a damn shirt on under the overalls. No one wants to see your sweaty pit hair.

All of this has been said. Men have been making the same summer fashion mistakes for generations.

I tell you what, though. I promise that if I see a man actually wearing one of those new male rompers, I’ll go all in on that shit, okay?

Male rompers are not okay and they need to stop. #Stop.It.

Got sidetracked there. I was talking about the batch of odd folks yesterday. Ya know, I said it was an odd customer day, but it extended outside of work. Was there a full moon?

I think the most unusual person I saw yesterday had to be the lady at the town beach. I took the Youngest Pup for a promised dip in the lake after work. He swam, I sat under a tree. It was pleasant and he had fun. As we were leaving, we were climbing up the concrete steps when we noticed a woman juggling.

I’ve described out town beach before, but since I don’t expect you to scrape through the annals of this blog, I’ll recap. The lake sits at the bottom of a hill. The town decided to wall off the hill with concrete. It’s like a prison yard, with tall concrete walls surrounding the small, sandy beach. At the very top next to the parking lot and overlooking the lake is a small playground that’s fenced in with chain link fence to keep eager kiddies from plummeting to the first concrete landing below if they get too feisty on the swingset. I support the chain link fence. It does its job.

The woman in question was standing in the playground area right next to the fence. She was clearly performing, as she had put herself on display where the greatest number of people could see her. She was probably in her late forties, early fifties. She wore a sparkly bathing suit and flip flops.

And she was juggling.

Not balls. She had the juggling pins. Hers were two tone, metallic reddish pink and chrome. They really caught the sunlight and were fairly dazzling. Combine that with the sparkly bathing suit and she made quite a side show number.

She looked at us and smiled as we passed. I didn’t see a collection hat, but the smile was the kind that asked for donations. Perhaps it was just practiced, something she did so often in her juggling career that she couldn’t help but ask for payment with her eyes. Perhaps she really did want to try and make a few extra bucks. Who knows? If she really was busking, I can think of 746 better places to do so right off the top of my head. She was in a playground at a lake in a town with a population of maybe 4,200 people on a Thursday afternoon. Literally anywhere else would have been a more lucrative option.

Maybe she misses the circus lights and cheering crowds.

Or maybe she always wanted to taste the circus life, but never got there.

All I know is that yesterday was filled with wonderful oddballs. Here’s hoping we get more today.

Thus concludes a Musing for Friday, June 23, 2017. I have so much cake to make this weekend. So. Much. It’s not even a holiday, either. People, take a break from weekend bashes, okay? You’re killin’ me, here.

Welcome! Just park your brooms in the corner…

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It was a dark and stormy morning, the kind of morning that brings with the rising sun not a sense of hope, but a hazy disquiet that nags and niggles at the…

“Oh HELL no, Bethie.”

…what?

“No scary stories. Not this year.”

But…but…it’s Halloween!!! Don’t you want to have the hairs on your neck stand on end all day?

“Absolutely not. You remember last year.”

…*sigh* Touche.

Okay, let’s reboot this quick little Musing then.

Mornin’, all, and Happy Halloween!

Instead of the standard rot gut to drink, there’s some witch’s brew (though, honestly, you won’t really be able to tell the difference between the two), and we’ve bypassed the day old pastries for some spooooooky cupcakes. Help yourself to the dish of candy corn that’ll sit out for the next two months before the cat knocks it over and I have to throw it all away.

So my kid says to me the other day, “You know, Ma, I think I’m going to go Trick-or-Treating after all.”

He wasn’t going to this year. I think he felt that he was too old. He was adamant about not going, too, until he came home from school the other day and threw a complete 180 my way. I know exactly what happened. He thought he was too old and cool, and then heard all his friends saying they’re still going out this year and was like “HUZZAH! I’m NOT too old! Free candy for me!”

He told me he wanted to go, and I took a deep breath, pasted on that fake Mum smile that hides the inner panic, and said, “Oh? So what were you thinking of being?” Inside I was BEGGING for him to say a wizard or the grim reaper or something I could whip together from all the older boys’ past costumes.

“I’m not sure. I’ll let you know.”

Now, my littlest pup is a difficult beastie sometimes. You can’t push him. The more you pressure him to make up his mind, the longer the mind-making-up process takes. I said, “Okay, here’s the deal. I have Sunday off. You need to let me know what you want to be soon so we can pull together a costume.”

Saturday night, he says, “I want to be a loader bot.”

You are scratching your head right now wondering “what in the hell?”, aren’t you? It’s a robot from a video game. Google “loader from Borderlands.” I’ll wait.

…*hold music* *tapping fingers* *quietly humming along*…

SEE?!! THAT is what he waited to tell me until Saturday night!!

Oh. Yeah. No problem. Let me just fire up the robot factory I’ve got in the basement…

*rolly eyes* Kids.

I did what any panicked Mum does. I got a bunch of cardboard, duct tape, and spray paint and made…well, something. It’s definitely a giant yellow roboteqsue costume. No one will get what he is supposed to be, but in all honesty, no one would have anyway, no matter how it ended up looking. It’s a very obscure character to choose, and even if the costume had come out spot on, the majority of folks would still be stumped.

Eh. He’s happy with it. And a bright yellow cardboard box will certainly meet the criteria for him to get free candy.

At work, the company changed up the music for the weekend. We’ve got that piped in crap that someone in corporate actually gets paid to put together. My inner teenager is so jealous that someone gets paid (probably very well) to make mixed tapes all day.

This weekend, the corporate DJ decided to play a collection of Halloweeny songs. This is fine if you are going grocery shopping. You’ll hear a couple of ditties, try to contain yourself so you don’t actually do the Monster Mash while ironically grabbing a box of instant mashed potatoes, and be on your way. It’s just peachy for the customers. The problem comes when you have to work there all day long and realize there really are only a “couple ditties” about Halloween at all, and you are stuck listening to five songs over and over and over.

Oh, five songs…and spooky sound effects. For some reason, DJ Fruitz ‘n Veg decided to include sound effect tracks from shows like The X-Files and The Twilight Zone, and I think the movie The Exorcist. Forget the Monster Mash/mashed potato mind screw. Icing a cake to sounds of possession will fuck your shit up.

Well played, DJ Froz’n Foodz. Well played.

It’s going to be weird at work, but not in my department. I can’t dress up because of “health code standards”. Gawd, board of health always ruins the fun, don’t they? I probably would have dressed up as Chef Boyardee or something that no one would have understood anyway.

You know. Because I’m a baker, not a chef. Get it? GET IT?!

Bet we’re going to have weirdos in, too. No judging. I like weirdos. Then I’m going to take my sorta-robot Trick-or-Treating for what seems like it might actually be the last year. Maybe I’ll convince the older kids to watch something scary with me so I don’t get a bit of sleep because I’m certain that a ghostie or ghoulie will nibble off my toe if it hangs out from under the blanket even by a millimeter because I’m a grown up and that’s how we do.

And then tomorrow everything changes. Tomorrow DJ Fresh Meatz will have replaced The X-Files sound track with Christmas tunes for the next two months. Every minute of every. Single. Working. Day.

“Bethie! I thought I said no scary stories!”

What can I say? Everyone needs a little horror on Halloween!

Thus concludes a quick Musing for Halloween ’16. Everyone be safe when out hooliganizing tonight!

No sane person wears a red sponge nose…

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Mornin’ all.

As you can see, I survived the attempted poisoning-by-coffee the other morning, though it took a rapid infusion of Zantac to pull through. I had a heart to heart with Teen Beta about the long term dangers of drinking his own alchemy experiments and suggested that instead, he saved his yearning for scientific discovery for the lab. I mean, the instructions on how NOT to make a pot of coffee that will level his mother are right on the can. No science necessary.

I just don’t want him to go down the same path I did. I didn’t really make coffee in my formative years. As a teen, I pretty much just drank it when my older sister took me out to breakfast in the morning, and only then because it seemed like the thing to do at the diner. My first husband wasn’t a coffee drinker, either, and we didn’t even own a coffee pot. I didn’t start really drinking coffee until I gave up soda like 10 years ago.

I’m just not a natural coffee drinker. I didn’t learn the dos and donts until too late in life to make them a habit. It’s understandable when I just dump grounds into the basket because, at heart, I’m still not really a true coffee drinker. But my kid? I’m trying my best to give him a better shot at adulthood.

When you strip away everything else, at the end of the day, I don’t give a shit what my coffee tastes like. It’s a hollow existence, really.

I want more for him. *sniff* Doesn’t every mother?

All the kids are finally back at school! Yay! See, the teens started last week, and the youngest pup started yesterday. We are in a small town that decided to outsource teen education while at the same time fortifying the elementary school realm by declaring itself its own SAU (School Administrative Unit, for anyone who’s unfamiliar with the term. Think of it like counties, only for schools). As such, the elementary school students of my fair hamlet are on a different attendance schedule from the high school students. It’s annoying as hell. Get your shit together, SAUs.

The Pup was extremely worried about starting fifth grade. Here, fifth grade is in a different building. It’s his first “big step”. They also have different teachers for different subjects, play on a different playground with fewer activity options, eat in a new cafeteria, and have lockers. WITH LOCKS.

It’s big league, folks.

He’s a worrier. I have no idea at all who he gets it from *she says and she chews her lip in agitation while she tries to decide if she’s gone so far with the sarcasm that no one will even GET that it’s sarcastic because one really never knows how one’s words can be interpreted through the screen without the added bonus of physical cues to clarify the social situation. Not that she’d be better at a face to face social interaction, because, let’s be honest: everyone knows some people are better on paper. They just are. But now she’s rambling, isn’t she? Shit. There’s no way to save this steaming pile, is there? Should she just to hide and hope the world forgets she opened her mouth at all? Aw hell.*

Not only does he worry, but he’s a super intense person. You ever meet someone and are just like, “Whoa. That dude is INTENSE about EVERYTHING?” Yeah, that’s my little Pup. He is all-in, no matter what he’s focused on. That’s great in a lot of ways. But, it’s also terrible when he turns that focus inside, on his fears and trepidation.

As it turns out, no need to worry! He is in class with his favorite buddy, and the bully who’s tormented him for years has been stranded. Yes, the little fucker is in the same class as my Pup, BUT all of his cronies are elsewhere. The school FINALLY split up the Terrible Triad. And it came to pass that there was great rejoicing through the land, for lo, the Cerberus had been defeated.

I’ve got two Sr. Teens this year. *sniff* I begged one of them to take a dive on his grades, stay back a year, and make graduation just a little easier on my tender emotions. They both said, “Nah.” Teen Prime turns 18 next week. *sniff**sniff* Teen Beta turns 16. *sniff**sniff**sniff* Teen 2.0 has a full on mustache now. *BAWLING SOBS*

Too fast. They are all growing up WAY too fast.

And I’m feeling it, folks. The sniffing and bawling for comedic effect isn’t all that far off from the reality. I’ll randomly look at one of these tall behemoths and wonder where my little snot faces went and then have a sappy “oh shit…my face is starting to leak again” moment.

It’s so weird, this position in life. I’m sure some of you reading this are already past it. But, I know a good amount of you haven’t gotten here yet. Watching your kids turn into adults is bizarre. You’re constantly pulled in two directions about every new change. I WANT them to grow up. I WANT them to be successful adults. I WANT them to start their own lives and have their own adventures and find their own special someone and start their own home so I can come and visit and spoil the grandkids. I do. I truly want that for all of them.

But I want them to still be my babies, too. My gaming buddies. My “in” with all the new and weird and exciting in the world. I want to be able to turn around when a bad pun occurs and see the disappointed look on their faces as they shake their heads at my lameness.

Like I said, I know that every single parent hits this point. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t think it would be so damn hard.

Muh. I’m bringing everyone down, aren’t I? Let’s see if we can lighten the mood. It’s payday, after all, and no one should be sad on pay day, right? What can we do to bring the fun back into this Muse? Hmm. Gee. I wonder.

*opening chord of catchy theme music*

Uh, hey go-go dancers? Can you help us out?

*epic can can routine begins on center stage*

Only one way to liven things up around here. It’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Everyone, give the band and the dancers a round of applause for that invigorating intro! Bravo! Brava! Uh…bon appetite?

So, it’s a Roundup. For any newbs here, a Headline Roundup happens when I read the internet newsy type sites and their headlines set me off. Sometimes the headlines are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re just weird. And sometimes the headline is fine, I’m just the oddball and need to share. We always keep our headlines 100% all natural as they appear in the wild. No preservatives, artificial flavors, or GMOs. I just supply the witty commentary.

*editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to point out that the “GMO free” label is for laughs only. Of COURSE there are GMOs. Every single thing we eat is a product of thousands of years of genetically engineering food, dopes. If you eat, you DO consume genetically modified food. Just like your ancestors. Nothing new. Nothing scary. I am getting SO sick of…

*author’s note: ACHEM. Can you put the soap box away? I’m trynna do a Roundup here!*

*editor’s note: Oh. Heh. Uh…sorry. Carry on. #GMOs4life…literally *

IF there are no more interruptions…*looks at the editor*…and we’re all clear how this works, then let’s begin.

– Trump Camp Sued By Kids’ Dance Troupe

Children. Even C H I L D R E N know the score! COME ON AMERICA.

– Karlie Kloss’ Trainer Chooses Sleep Over Workouts

If that’s what it takes, then I must be the absolute Queen super model. Well shit. Better jet off to Milan or something. I’mma just lie down for a minute first…

– 815 Pounds of Cocaine Found in Coca Cola Factory

Sometimes this hipster trend of reverting to the “original recipe” goes slightly awry.

– Miss Texas USA Completely Bombs First Pitch Attempt

OUTRAGE! We can’t have a “USA” pageant queen disgrace America’s pastime like that! If you can’t pitch a baseball while wearing platform heels, fake nails, a tiara, and your beauty sash because execs told you that you MUST look pretty for the camera, you don’t deserve the title. Let’s start a campaign to strip her of her sash right now. #norespectforAmerica

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

I’m impressed he could get a car started in the first place. You’d think he’d just flop around in the seat.

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

Don’t feel bad, buddy. Everyone crashes on Rainbow Road.

*a fishing AND gaming joke there! My kids would be so pissed off if they read that. SCORE.*

– Hailey Baldwin Reveals Her Celebrity Crush

I’m feeling a bit bitchy today. I think I’ll leave you all hanging.

– Why the IRS May Delay Your Tax Return Next Year

Oh, I dunno…maybe because financial news is boring and there’s almost nothing at all they could write to get people to actually click on an article unless it “might” impact their tax return so the editor is forced to throw out a random wild theory that “may” happen just to get people to click enough times to generate some actual ad revenue? Just a guess.

– Close Call: Navy Pilots Recount Avoiding Crash off Air Craft Carrier

“So, like, we could have crashed, but we just, you know, turned slightly to the left and, like…didn’t.”

– Photo Allegedly Shows Clown Trying to Lure Kids Into Woods in SC

And now we’ve taken a left onto Nope Street in the center of Nopeville, in the merry old land of Nope.

– Anthony Weiner, Who Always Has Something to Say, Goes Silent

About fucking time. He has GOT to be the biggest dope in politics.

– Trump Doubles-down on Border Wall, Insists Mexico Will Pay for It

…hm. Fair point. Okay, so Weiner is the world’s SECOND biggest dope.

– Free Speech or Criminal Threats?

Tough choice. I think I’ll go with free speech, please.

– At Lake Tahoe, Obama Links Conservation to Climate Change

You wily bastards, AP. He linked conservation efforts to a demonstrative SLOWING and EASING of climate change. If you don’t think you’re manipulated at every level of the news, you’re dreaming. Even the headlines slant the story.

– NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Set To Sit Out National Anthem Again on ‘Military Night’ in San Diego

As is his right, folks. It’s the same right that allows you to blast him on social media for doing it. You can’t take away his RIGHTS because of your OPINION. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like what he did. That’s not how freedom works. Gawd I wish more people would remember that.

– Pennsylvania Professor Goes on Hunger Strike Over Tenure Denial

Holy shit. People still have hunger strikes?

– A Sketchy Business

I like how detailed and clear this headline is. Succinctly covers the 5 Ws of journalism. Well done.

– 3.7-billion Year Old Fossil Makes Life on Mars Less of a Long Shot

False. 3.7-billion year old fossils on Earth have zero impact on Mars. #it’strue.Lookitup.

– Couple Faked Everest Climb

Dig it…an Indian couple completely faked climbing up Everest by photoshopping themselves into summit pics. The Nepalese government was so upset at the couple that they BANNED them from climbing any of Nepal’s mountains for TEN YEARS! I can’t tell if it’s a massive overreaction for a photoshop lie, or if it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine if this set precedence for all walks of photoshopping. Phil from accounting showing a photo of him and his hot Canadian girlfriend and sticking with the story even though you can totally see the trademark for the frame company on her sweater, PHIL? Banned from the break room, ten years! Kardashians caught once again cutting and pasting? 10 year magazine cover ban. BOOM. So many positive possibilities. I give you props, Nepal. You’re really onto something.

– Are the Clown Sightings in South Carolina Real?

Better stay away from the entire state just in case.

– Pollsters Fight To Figure Out Trump Phenomenon

People like being angry. They really like having others be angry with them. And they go absolutely gaga when someone in power tells them their anger is a-ok. Mystery solved.

– Why Trump’s ‘Black Outreach’ Is Backfiring

Maybe because he hates black people? That might just have a little something to do with it.

– ‘Bad Apple Culprit’ Hit Pacific Northwest Homes

A dude is going around Portland tossing rotten apples onto people’s roofs. Best hide yo kids and hide yo wives. Those are some mean streets out there.

– Now You Can Buy Adorable Wigs for Your Pets

NO. You stop it. Stop it right now.

– UK Non-profit Hires its First Hedgehog Officer

*facepalms* Guys? Maybe not the best way to make folks take your non-profit seriously.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

*blurrppff* OMG. I just threw up a little.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

…actually, on second thought, I’m picturing my man out in public wearing a matching t-shirt to the one I’ve got on right now. Kittens in space riding a unicorn past a glittery, rainbow-colored moon. I MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

– Canadian Man Dressed As Hockey Goalie Steals Beer

I feel like they didn’t even have to tell us he was Canadian. Kind of implied with the rest of the headline there.

– Former KKK Leader Praises Trump Speech on Immigration

Of.

Course.

He.

Did.

-Planet 9 Found Past Neptune?

Yeah. It’s called Pluto.

– 7 Of Hillary’s Biggest Flip-Flops

Number 3 on the list is my favorite…a pair she picked up on vacation at Arcadia that have seashells glued to the top. Size 10, because that’s all that was in stock and how could she POSSIBLY walk away from seashell flip-flops?

– How to Appear Rich Without Spending Much Money
1. Glitter.

2. Gold spray paint.

3. Lee Press-on Nails

You’re welcome.

– Leslie Jones’ Weight Loss Highlights Up and Down Year

Leslie Jones is a black actress who has recently been the target of the most vile, hateful, racist abuse online I think I’ve ever seen. But guess what, guys? She’s skinnier now! It’s all okay!! *twitch**twitch* Fuck you, Hollywood.

– Another Creepy Clown Incident Reported in Ohio

Oh shit. It’s spreading. #clownapocalypse

– Report: Half of Americans Uncomfortable Visiting Places with Reported Zika Cases

Wait. Didn’t you hear me? Stop muddying the waters with your red herrings. Zika is only rarely fatal. CAN THE SAME BE SAID OF CLOWNS? #wakeupsheeple

– Teen Reports He Was Chased Down By a Clown With a Knife

It has begun.

This is not a drill. Barricade yourselves in your fallout shelters and do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the balloon animals hypnotize you when the clowns come knocking.

Stay strong.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, September 2, 2016. It’ll take me a couple weeks to get the underground network of rebels to band together. Right now folks are still worried about personal safety above all else. I get that. Society needs a bit of “me” time before they can see the importance of developing a strong, unified front against the clowns. It WILL happen, though, and we WILL need your help. Set your ham radios to channel 16 on frequency 156.80 and listen for instructions on joining the fight against the funambulist tyranny!

There’s a reason walruses live in arctic climates…

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Mornin’ all.

Boy, it’s been awhile, eh? What can I say? I’ve always been a summertime slacker. I just don’t handle the heat very well at all. My body isn’t style like a gazelle, sleek and cool even in the worst conditions the Serengeti can throw at it. No, sadly if I had to pick my wildlife doppleganger, it would probably be a walrus. Big, cumbersome, not a fan of heat or humidity. The only thing I’m missing are the whiskers, and since I’ve got a healthy dose of Polish ancestry, I’m sure that’s just a matter of time…

It’s been hot, and I’ve been SO over it on my time off. It takes far more effort to communicate my thoughts than it does to fire up Halo and do a campaign with the youngest pup. It’s not you. I wanted to chat. But my gaming seat is riiiiight in front of the a/c…

I would LOVE to have No Man’s Sky. Oh that would be the best! Hours and hours of low key exploration of an observationally limitless galaxy in the cool comfort right in front of the a/c… I don’t have it yet, though, and I’m waffling back and forth on laying out the moula. If I get it, we’re having hot dogs or chicken legs for dinner for the next couple weeks. I mean, they can totally live if I do. There were many hot dog or chicken leg nights in my house growing up. But I can’t help this nagging feeling like that’s perhaps not the best parenting choice I could make.

Gaming was a whole lot easier when I didn’t have to feed other humans. #fact

I’ve also been working. Making cakes for the city of Metropolis to ensure the parties of my homeland were not ruined by a crooked icing border or a careless “Hapy Birday” scrawled in the minds of the guests and humiliated host for all eternity.

I got to play with my favorite bakery tool, too. I had a couple cakes that required the use of the airbrush.

Yes, we use an airbrush for some cakes.

Yes, it IS as fun as it sounds!

The only drawback is that we do so few of them that we don’t wear a mask when spraying. It would be silly. Even for the most complicated airbrush jobs, we actually spray for less than five minutes, in a large, open space. We skip the masks. But, let me tell you, it’s a weird moment the first time you get home, sneeze, and pull the tissue away to see purple.

So, the Olympics, huh?

What a shit show. Fortunately, it’s not the type of shit show everyone feared. I haven’t heard about zika infected zombie athletes roaming the streets of Rio looking for gold, silver, or brooooonze. I suppose that’s a long-play situation, though. I mean, given the incubation period, I don’t think we’ll know if the Zompocalypse has officially begun for a couple weeks, after they’ve all gone back to their respective homes and sneezed on two friends, who’ll sneeze on two friends, who’ll…

I also haven’t heard many stories of athletes getting kidnapped, stabbed, punched, picked of pocket… I mean, there have been like half a dozen, but that is WAY below what folks were estimating. So…win?

NBC is also doing a pretty good job ignoring any teeming masses of disadvantaged locals on their coverage, too. I was worried that if I tuned in to watch an event, I’d see the downtrodden masses crying for a shred of humanity. Nope. NBC is actually showing so little coverage of the events that it’s almost statistically impossible for them to catch a glimpse of the real Rio. Shit, they’re barely catching a glimpse of the Olympics themselves. Good on them for that! Who wants to see poor people, amiright?

Only one of their showcase pools turned green and potentially toxic. Now, some people made a big deal about that, but dude, they had another one RIGHT there next to it. And they only had athletes swim in the green pool for like two or three events before they were like, “Nah, let’s just use the other pool.” Fifty percent isn’t a passing grade, but it’s not really a hard fail, either. I mean, they got one right. Glass half full, people.

Less than a dozen top athletes have been kicked out for doping. That seems like a good number, considering all the people that are there. I know, I know…some of the medals will be pulled in the coming weeks and months, with China and Russia being especially scrutinized. I suppose it was the right call to let them compete at all in spite of the failed tests. Can’t have gaping holes in the athletic roster that might tarnish the perfect Olympic image, can we?

“…not a fan of the Olympics, Bethie?”

I am…in theory. I love what they are supposed to be about and represent. I actually worked at the Olympics in Atlanta in 1996. What a trip, man. It was so exciting to be a part of that.

But I have grown up, and the IOC has not. The past few Olympics have been travesties of corruption and greed without a thought or care for the millions of lives they bulldozed over to make the games happen. Doping scandals, payoffs for officials, razing the homes of people who had no money to fight for their property in order to spend millions of dollars on a complex that’ll be used for three weeks and then never, ever again…

And don’t EVEN get me started on the humiliating athletes themselves. I’m not talking about the doping. That’s already been said. I’m talking about the modern addiction to Twitter that lets people see the sore losers in real time.

No one likes to lose. I get that. Most people who lose have a brief moment of adrenaline-fueled “FUCK THAT GUY!!!” However, in the normal course of events, the athlete loses, shakes the hand while internally grumbling, and has a chance to cool off in a shower before they give an interview. They have time for the bitter sting of defeat to temper a little before airing their opinions.

Not with Twitter, though. The first thing they do when they get out of the pool or limp off the tumbling floor is to grab that cellphone and let ‘er rip. One of our premier female soccer players called her rivals “cowards” when she was defeated. What a baby.

Another athlete tweeted about an old doping rumor of the person who bested him. Just a rumor, mind. But, that will now follow the other dude forever. It’s out there. It’s been said. And maybe the other guy WAS doping. But, maybe he was just better.

It’s not just the athletes using Twitter and other social media to ruin the sport, either. Fans are doing what fans do on the internet, and it’s making the entire deal exhausting. Every single day, some news outlet is having to apologize for something they’ve said.

To be clear, I’m not talking about the papers that just said, “African American Wins Gold,” instead of using Simone Manuel’s name, especially since the athletes in the other Olympics news were all named in the headlines. That shit’s messed up.

But, people are being way too sensitive and looking for ways to pick the press apart. Guys, they’re just people trying to report on sports. If you’re really going to get pissed because in an effort to explain the family dynamic of an athlete they’re doing a bio piece on, the reporter says she was raised by her grandparents “whom she calls Mom and Dad,” then you really missed the whole point of the article.

It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting having everyone’s stupid opinion be turned into news. It’s not news. YOUR OPINION IS NOT NEWS. My opinion is not news. And when the press muddles that water by responding to every. single. opinion., it gets old quick.

I guess that last gripe is more about society in general than the Olympics, huh? It just carries over though and adds to the pile. I just can’t get into them, not even the gymnastics, my favorite summer Olympic genre. I just can’t do it, and that sucks.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to spend so much time venting about the Olympics. I hopped on to vent about something different entirely. See, there’s a post on Ye Olde Booke of Faces that’s making the rounds. It’s a different version of an old classic, the “I dealt with blah blah as a kid and I turned out just fine.” Are you familiar with these? The entire point of the post is to prove how wimpy modern kids are in comparison to their own childhood.

I hate these posts. I absolutely hate them.

Here’s the one that’s going around right now:

“I survived

Spankings

Lead Paint

Wooden Playgrounds

Second-hand Smoke

Toy guns

No seatbelts of helmets

Play without supervision

Drinking from the hose

‘Share’ if you did too”

Well shit. I didn’t share it. I must not have survived, huh?

That’s the thing with posts like this. The people who did NOT survive these things can’t possibly argue. They didn’t survive. They ain’t here n’more, as folks in my neck of the woods would say. Dead men tell no tales and dead kids can’t refute your flawed logic.

But I can.

ANYONE who shares this clearly lived. They have fingers that move, therefore, they survived. But that does not mean YOUR childhood was BETTER. It just means that you got lucky. You weren’t one of the thousands of kids who died every year until basic safety features were added to life.

You lived through spankings, but were taught the way to handle a situation is by beating the tar out of someone instead of thinking. You ate lead paint and lost IQ points, while others suffered lifelong neurological problems or flat out died. Wood rots. Changing over to plastic is just financially sound. You’ve lived through second-hand smoke exposure SO FAR. Better knock that wood fast before the longterm effects start showing up, asshole. You cannot CAN NOT send a child to a park with a toy gun today. Not because kids are wimpy, but because our generation and the one before created a policing system and violent society that makes that critically stupid and dangerous. Maybe it was all the lead paint and beatings we took…? The only reason you didn’t die from not wearing a seatbelt is because your mum, dad, or other adult chauffeur of the era was fortunate enough not to get in a wreck, idiot. That had nothing to do with you being tough. You played without supervision and have how many scars? Had how many trips to the ER? Knew a kid who didn’t live through that? You drank from the hose and lived. Well good for you for living in a community where the water from the hose wasn’t contaminated. I do, too. I still do. And the fact that it’s a matter of pride for my town to have clean drinking water tells you how rare that is. Again, that’s on us for not fixing our broken water infrastructures that cannot handle the boom in population. It’s not at ALL a reflection on the kids whose parents know they could get a disease from drinking hose water.

Look, you got lucky. YOU GOT LUCKY. I got lucky. The people still alive today who lived through all this GOT. LUCKY. Luck. That’s it. How about you think about the kids that were NOT lucky?

If that doesn’t do it for ya, think about what the older generation says about you and your childhood. They say the same damn thing. I’m a child of the 80’s and 90’s. If we had the internet back in, say, 85, this post would be going around:

I survived

Lawn jarts

Walking around town at night alone

Taking candy from strangers

Hitchhiking

No child proofing on prescription bottles

Cars without air bags

Legal whippings with belts and other household objects

And if the internet was around in the 60s, the post would be:

I survived

Radioactive science kits

Polio

No emergency cutoffs on gas lines

No safety switches on industrial equipment

Smoke filled hospitals

No stupid “domestic abuse” laws

In the 50s:

I survived

WWII

…because really, would you have to say anything other than that?

In the 40’s:

I survived

Lard as a staple food source

Measles and tetanus

Rumble seats

Corporal punishment in schools, churches, stores, public streets…

Working in factories by the time I was 11

…and on and on and on.

Every single generation can look at their childhood and compare it to a modern one and see ways a modern childhood is safer. That’s the ENTIRE point of humanity. To grow. To learn. To make things safer and better for the next generation. It is not a point of weakness that kids today wear seatbelts and helmets. It’s SUCCESS. It means that we learned from the past and found ways to make sure that as many kids as possible make it through to adulthood.

You know what? I bet in twenty years, we’re going to see a post that starts with,

I survived

Zika without a fancy vaccine

Actually, I hope we’ll be around to see that post. Still too early to tell, isn’t it? I figure we need to give it about three weeks before we should start paying attention to the obscure international news sites for signs of the end of humanity as we know it. Three weeks for the Olympic athletes, trainers, and staff to wrap up their summer games, return home, and spread their zika spores.

I just thought of something.

With the impending mass contagion looming over us, I can’t see any logical reason NOT to spend the end days playing No Man’s Sky. I mean, if we’re going down, then now is not the time to hold back. Live whatever life we’ve got left to the fullest! We’re facing an apocalypse, folks. Doomsday. Zika is about to play out across the globe like some hack, tired sci-fi story. Life is about to imitate art.

I suppose there’s only one thing left to be said.

Filiorum, carpe pullum crura!

Thus concludes a long winded rant for Sunday, August 14, 2016. Nah, just kidding. I’m not really going to buy No Man’s Sky. One of the teens is bound to cave to the hype and pick it up. Let the kids dispose of their disposable income. Walrus can sit back and bide her time.

Walrus is patient. Walrus is wise.

Time to wrangle the world for a bit

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Mornin’ all.

Has coffee ever just stopped working for you?

It seems like the past couple weeks, my morning Joe does nothing for my pep and vigor. I tried making it even stronger to no avail. I mean, I still had the shakes and twitches, and the alarming sizzle coming from my belly made me tone it back down. But, it didn’t wake me up. No zip. No pop. My nap in a cup seems to be malfunctioning.

What if this is permanent? What if I can’t ever get a buzz from coffee again?!

“*gasp*!”

I KNOW RIGHT!? It’s a terrifying prospect. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary hiccup. I would hate to have to try…tea. *shudder*

Let’s talk about something else. I can’t take the thought of “pinkies up” being my only wake-up option!

I know it’s only technically been a few days, but how’s your summer so far?

Ours has started off with bizarre weather. There’s an old saying about New England: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes. This year, that saying rings particularly true. We went from 92 degrees to 60 and windy as hell, to 70 with a low of 42, then up to 85 again…all in the span of a couple days. I don’t know if the meteorological roller coaster is supposed to continue through the entire summer, but it’s making planning outdoorsy type stuff difficult.

We had a hot day this week where the wind calmed to a dull gale, so I took my kiddies to the town beach.

I don’t know how things operate in other parts of the country, but here, if a town has a lake within their borders, and they see fit to clear enough trees to make a parking area, then they’ve got themselves a town beach. Residents of the town can use the beach for a fee, and the fee varies. Some places make you buy a town beach sticker. Some just ask you to show your car registration upon entry.

Here, a dump sticker is the golden ticket to get to swim in the lake. If you’ve paid your yearly dues for the privilege of handing your refuse over to the underpaid staff of the uppity dump, then step right up and have unfettered access to a natural wonder!

…wellll…not exactly unfettered. To get to our beach, you have to walk down two flights of concrete stairs. To keep erosion at bay, the town also installed concrete walls. Huge, gray, concrete walls. The entire beach is surrounded by concrete. It’s like Nature’s prison cell. With umbrellas.

Once you get down to the sand, you’ll discover that the beach is only about a hundred feet long or so. And the “swim area” goes out maybe thirty feet into the lake.

Now, I’m assuming that you’re picking up my tone with this and get the fact that I think putting such restrictions on nature is utterly absurd. I think there should be open points of access to the lake for all people to enjoy, free from looming concrete walls and a thirty-foot-from-the-shore swim limit. But, at the end of the day, that’s how the town plays it, and my kids wanted to swim. And hey…it’s still better than a pool.

So I took them to swim and frolic in an eerily confined manner.

Because the beach is surrounded by gigantic concrete walls, it’s an echo chamber. I don’t think the mom club that was there that day realized that every little whisper can be heard anywhere within the Bellyflop Dome.

This is a small town. While it’s true that means I know far more about my neighbors on average than I probably should, I really, REALLY didn’t need to hear about the bikini-Mom’s episiotomy stitch failure because of an over-anxious husband after she had her last baby. Coulda done without that knowledge.

Ah well. The kids had some fun. I got some sun. And bikini-Mom got to soothe her aching bits in the water. Wins all around.

Talking to you is helping to wake me up far better than Traitor Joe’s been doing these days. Let’s keep it up. In fact, let’s KICK it up. You know what I’m talking about. I think we all could use a little…

*catchy theme music* *go go dancers can-can on stage*

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Wowie! What a routine! Brava, ladies! I feel more invigorated already.

Yep, another Roundup. I know I’ve been doing them with more regularity these days. Of course I am. The world has gone completely bonkers, and it’s either poke fun or cry. I choose option A.

For any newbs here, we have ourselves a Roundup when we read news headlines we simply cannot ignore. I scour the sticky fibers of internet news sites and bring you the headlines that pop out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing. But mostly, they just put an image in my head I can’t resist sharing. As always, these headlines are 100% real. I just supply a side of snark.

– Brexit Vote Shocks World Leaders

I had to. It’s THE news story of the week. Somehow the UK voted to leave the EU, in spite of the fact that no intelligent person supported the exit.

– Trump Touts ‘Brexit’ as Triumph

See? SEE?! If Donald Trump likes your idea, IT’S A BAD IDEA.

– Economy Takes Major Hit With Brexit News

Of course it did. This is exactly what they knew would happen. They were warned by every expert that this would happen and would continue to snowball. Only an idiot can take the warnings of the experts and completely ignore them.

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

Y’all, naw. Didn’t you JUST hear what happened with the UK? And their economy? And the upheaval it’s causing?

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

But if you do this, life will not suddenly be rainbows and unicorns. It will be the exact opposite. You’ll…

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

*sigh* Fine, then. Bye Felicia.

– Marijuana Use Rises in Iran, With Little Interference

Is pot smoking really Iran’s biggest problem? Really?

– Styled for Survival: This Company Makes Bulletproof Fashionable

I can’t. I just can’t even with this shit today.

– Jack Daniel’s Embraces a Hidden Ingredient: Help From A Slave

And judging by the comments after the article, it’s certainly going to be tough to swallow for many in Jack Daniel’s demographic.

…and yes, pun ALWAYS intended.

– Inside US Scientists’ Test to Grow Potatoes on Mars

Matt Damon already proved you can do that. Pfft. Have a little originality, NASA.

– Who Would Fake a Tragedy on Facebook Just to Get Sympathy and Attention?

The same people who make shit up in real life. Are we surprised that people who are asswads in real life don’t hesitate to take their asswaddery to social media??

– Mother Pens Open Letter When Her Son With Down’s Syndrome Didn’t Get Invited to Birthday Party

…I’m not sayin’ this necessarily goes with the previous article, but…

– Browser the Cat Loses Texas Library Mascot Gig Over Puppy Spat With City Council

Okay, I’m totally turned around on the Texit. Let me help you pack your bags, Texas.

– Gun Advocate Shoots and Kills 2 Daughters Before Being Killed by Police Herself

The cops actually shot a white suburban female criminal. #truefeminism #equality

– Dalai Lama, Lady Gaga Urge Kindness in Indy

Can’t read my, can’t read my citta-matraaaa….

– Survey: Older Drivers Want Car Tech to Stay Behind the Wheel

You’re trying to tell me older folks are resistant to newfangled gizmos? Hogwash and balderdash!

– Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

Top headline in the No Shit Gazette today.

– Tenn. Couple in Same-Sex Ruling Quietly Celebrates

…with full press coverage. Just a small affair with millions of their closest friends.

– In Maine, Sustainability Showdown Scraps Seaweed Shindig

As a non-Maine New Englander, it’s kind of my obligation to skewer them. But you know what? They’re still reeling from the loss of their seaweed hootenanny. They have so little up there as it is, and the disappointment must be intense. Let’s not kick them when they’re down.

– Boston Bombing Survivors Visit Pulse Shooting Victims

Most awkward one-upmanship contest ever.

– Most Iconic Restaurants in All 50 States

They claim it’s the Portsmouth Brewery for NH. Bitch please. Everyone knows it’s Newick’s. *603 fistbump*

– Drones Take a Big Step Toward the Mainstream

NO. #fighttherobotuprising #no-verlord.com

– Pastor Battles Colorado City Over Jesus-related Ads on Bus Benches

…da faq is a Jesus-related ad? “WWJD? Jesus would pick up the phone right now and take advantage of this offer for insane savings…”

*author’s note: For the record, I could have made that so, SO much worse. If that made you mad, just know that if I had gone with my initial quip, you’d be punching your computer screen in rage. I saved your electronics. I’ve got your back.*

– The Dirty Secret of Airbnb is That It’s Really, Really White

Look. Lay out the basic idea for Airbnb in straight facts: It’s a business that allows people to go on vacations they can’t really afford (because Betty’s family took one and goddamn if they’ll let that strumpet show them up) by offering them the ability to stay at a complete stranger’s house (because for some unfathomable reason there’s an innate trust in those who ALSO want to take vacations THEY can’t afford)… I don’t know if there has ever been a more white business plan in the last decade. Is it right? No. But is this a secret to anyone? It really, really shouldn’t be.

– Clinton: Cities Are Where Things Are ‘Getting Done’

Wow. Glad she’s got a deep, meaningful insight to our nation’s economy.

*oops, got a little too much sarcasm on your screen. Lemme just squeegee that off for ya…*

– Mobster ‘Whitey Bulger’ Auction Raises Over $100,000

$100,000!? Who ARE these people that buy this shit!? Who says, “Holy cow, Eunice! Whitey Bulger’s humidor is up for sale! Think of how many blood splatters it’s got! I MUST OWN THIS.” ??!?! Sick fucks, that’s who. #pleaseletthemallmovetoTexasbeforeTexit

– How to in 60 Seconds Make-up

…huh? Like, after a fight? Cosmetic make-up? Imagination churning? Any clue at all would be helpful.

– ‘Regretting Motherhood’ Debate Rages in Germany

I don’t understand the debate here. “I regret becoming eine mutter.” “NEIN.” “But…” “I SAID NEIN.”

– An Animated Video Shows Why China is Right- And the US Is Wrong- In the South China Sea

*gasp* Animated!? Well then it MUST be true.

– Partying in Lebanon Means Shooting Guns in the Air- Even Though it Kills People

Ain’t no party like a Lebanese party cuz a Lebanese party only stops for the people who get killed. Woot woot.

– White Nationalists, Protesters Clash in California; 10 Hurt

I don’t even feel bad for hoping that the injured were all on the Klan side.

– David Bowie’s Hair Might Fetch More Than $4,000

Oooh, we have ourselves a philosophical conundrum this morning. What’s creepier: buying Whitey Bulger merch, or getting giddy over the prospect of holding a dead dude’s hair? *strokes beard in contemplation*

– The New World’s Fastest Supercomputer is All Chinese

Duh. MY computer is all Chinese. So is my phone, my tv, my tablet… The only thing NOT Chinese about any of this shit is the company name stamped on the outside. We cannot have the Chinese make our shit for 30 years and then be surprised that they picked up some tips along the way. #fact.

– Before the Robots Rise Up, They’ll Be Making Your Next Pizza

Aw shit. I always thought the chef at the pizza place down the way seemed a little distant and not quite right. The question is, is he an android himself, or just an unwitting tool of the impending digital apocalypse? #poorPaco

– New Device Could Help Bike Riders Catch Cars That Drive Too Close

“Okay, I got it. What we do is get a big net…you with me so far?”

– Apple Files Patent to Make it Easier to Use iPhone One-handed

Say it with me: NOBODY CARES.

– Isn’t She Lovely? Meet SweePee Rambo, This Year’s ‘World’s Ugliest Dog’

Um, I think you just answered your own question there.

– Couple Call Police And Report Their Pet Cat is ‘Holding Them Hostage’

Don’t laugh. The struggle is real. #catsaredicks #fluffywuffydicks

– Orthodox Chiefs Warn Over Middle East, Science Dangers

Wow. It’s CUH-RAZY that in this day and age, the Middle Eastern nations are still having conflicts between religion and science. If everyone shunned science, we’d still think the earth was flat! What a backwards, barbaric society.

Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

… … … …

…yeah. Seems like a good place to leave it for the day…

 

Thus concludes a Roundup for Monday, June 27, 2016. I’ve got to crack into another set of window motors in the man’s car today. I don’t know how many it’ll take before I’m an expert in these old w123 windows, but I gotta be getting close at this point. Which is cool. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something. It would be more useful to be an expert in almost anything else. But, if it has to be 32 year old MB diesel window motors, I guess I’ll take it.

I hope I have enough tissues today…

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Mornin’ all.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am completely and totally procrastinating. I have a list a mile long of tasks that must be finished, and, even in the best of scenarios, won’t. Me chatting it up on the internet is not helping anything whatsoever.

There. I think that’s what they mean when they say “own it.” I’m fucking up, I KNOW I’m fucking up, I plan to continue to fuck up…but I’m “owning it.” What’s the penance for this situation? Like three limericks, one hippocratic oath, and the last stanza from Stairway to Heaven? Will that be enough to guarantee my absolution?

See, this is going to be one busy ass weekend for us here at the house of insanity. Today, Teen Prime graduates high school *sniff*. Concurrently, my mother in law’s train arrives at a station about an hour and a half away. I work today, work extra early tomorrow. My dining room/workshop is one hot mess because of the transmission job, and the mutha effin’ dryer broke. AGAIN. Sunday we’re throwing a graduation cookout. I still haven’t bought his gift. At some point I need to make it to a store about half an hour away to get bulk bug spray because my youngest is a tick magnet and that shit’s expensive if you just buy the little cans, and I need to figure out when I’m going to make “a graduation cake, but instead of cake, make it peanut butter cookies stacked to LOOK like a cake.” Because that would be “sick.”

“Oh, Bethie. You should probably go.”

I know, right? And yet here I am.

I’ve just got too much energy at the moment to focus. I’m looking at a huge list of things that must be done, and yet my mind is all spinny. I figured I’d pop on here and collect my thoughts.

Have some coffee. Since the MIL is on her way, we sprung for the stuff that doesn’t come with a hazmat warning label. *sip* Come on. Don’t be shy. *slurp*

…*sigh* I didn’t make it.

“In that case…” *pours coffee*

I can’t believe my baby is graduating. I can’t believe I’m old enough to have a baby that’s graduating.

When he was little, he was very little. He was way shorter than the average kid, and didn’t start catching up in height until 8th grade. He started kindergarten about the height of a 3 year old. The first week of kindergarten, I walked him into his school playground every morning. On the second or third day, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. An older and much bigger boy started laughing at him.

“Did you just kiss your mommy?” the boy sneered. He was one of those picture book nasties. Blond, expensive clothes, horde of cohorts at his elbows hoping some of the “cool” would trickle off him. I was about to tell Kindergartener Prime not to listen, or spout some other useless parenting advice, when he handled it way better than I ever could have.

My tiny little peanut put his fists on his hips, squared his shoulders and said, “Of course I kissed my mom! What’s the matter with you? Don’t you kiss YOUR mother?”

You know what? He has come a long way since that day on the playground. And in some ways, he’s still that same guy.

Gah. *waves hands in front of eyes* Now I’m misty. Why’d you get me talking about this? *sniff*

Enough with emotions. I’mma have a lot of those later, and I still have to work. I am an ugly crier, one of those horror shows who looks like she’s just eaten shellfish when she knows damn well she’s not supposed to touch it but just can’t help it when Lobsterfest comes around. My eyes puff. My face in general puffs. My nose does a spot-on Rudolph impression and then I get so stuffy that everything comes out sounding like I’m under water. And I hiccup. And my breath hitches…for HOURS.

It ain’t pretty.

Let’s get our heads in a different space. Namaste and all that shit. I think for today’s palate cleanser, we should fall back on Old Reliable. Hey, band? Take a break from practicing Pomp and Circumstance, call the go-go dancers to the stage, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Yep! An old fashioned roundup! What better way to reset the mood and get us jazzed for a difficult day? For any new folks dropping by, a Roundup happens when I’m looking through the old internets and I see headlines that are poorly worded, badly phrased, intriguing, or just plain stupid. Basically, if I have a reaction to them, I share. I do it all for you. As always, the headlines are bona fide. I just add some smartassery.

Shall we begin?

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I suppose that’s the natural evolution of the robot uprising we all knew was coming.

– ‘The Situation is Serious’: Justin Bieber’s Team Fears He May Be Heading for a ‘Breakdown’

K.

– Owl Hugs Man Who Saved Her

They’re now besties on FB, too.

*author’s note: I had seven puns I could have put here. I took the high road seven times for you. I just felt you should know that.*

– Mom Writes Letter to Doctor

False. The mom wrote an open letter to social media because she was starved for attention. If she had written a letter to her doctor, we never would have known about it. Can we start bitch-slapping these people yet? Isn’t there a bill before Congress to make that legal? Isn’t that why I pay taxes??

– Links are Seen Between Brain Damage and PTSD

*record screech* WUT. I’m so floored by this I can barely pull myself together to type.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Sorry, but I can’t shake this one. While I am staunchly opposed to the robot uprising, I must say it might not be a terrible idea for teens to lose their virginity to a completely safe, clean, non judgmental robot. Think about your first. Wouldn’t it have gone a lot smoother without the awkwardness and crying? Just sayin’.

– Curry’s New Shoes Get Heavily Mocked

NBA dude released a new sneaker that looks like it’s made for an 80 year old with plantar fasciitis. What did he really expect?

– Movie Review: Warcraft

Don’t. Just…don’t. And I’m saying that as a gamer who would LOVE it if Hollywood could somehow actually gather the magic of a video game and translate it to a movie. Warcraft is too personal, too expansive, too everything to make into one little movie. If you love Warcraft, you WILL hate this film because it cannot possibly be an accurate representation of your personal Warcraft experience. #justsayno

– ‘We’re Horrified’: Stanford Shaken By Sexual Assault

THE HELL YOU ARE. Oh. OH this makes me SO mad!!! A sexual assault is reported at Stanford an average of once every two weeks. For YEARS. And it’s been largely ignored, once every two weeks, for YEARS. But NOW? Now, after how many students have been victims, NOW you care? Let’s keep it real, Stanford. You don’t care about the impact your collegiate rape culture has on victims. You care about the impact this negative press is having on your wallet. FUCK. STANFORD.

*deep breath*

– Retirement Planning Mistakes You’re Making

Silly article acting like my Powerball plan might not be the best idea. Quit playin’. You know that shit’s solid.

– Manziel Served Lawsuit Papers While Partying

Talk about a buzzkill!

– Calif. Gun Owners Vow to Fight Concealed Weapons Ruling

Of course they do.

– House Passes Puerto Rico Relief Bill As Debt Payment Looms

Okay, fair enough. My tax dollars are probably better spent on things like this. I guess I’ll lobby for the right to bitch-slap attention whores on a local level.

– Death in Boiling Hot Spring Shows Challenges Rangers Face

Uh…I’m not trying to be insensitive or anything, but is it really a “challenge” to not go swimming in the boiling hot spring?

– Times Square Performers to be Limited to Painted Areas

It’s not going to be that hard for the performers to know the limits. Just look for the mimes pressing their faces against the invisible wall.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Zero chance of pregnancy. No pacing the living room at 12:14 wondering if you should start calling the ERs and jails…

– 500 Year Old Shipwreck Filled With Gold Coins Found in Namibian Desert

It’s always difficult to pinpoint what went wrong in these old wrecks, but I’m thinking the fact that they navigated into a desert might have a little something to do with it.

“Uh, Bethie?”

Hush.

– Anupama Shenoy Says She Does Not Have a Facebook Account

Good to know. Glad MSN was on top of this one.

– China’s Communist Party Wants to Turn Up the Propaganda

Aw yeah, boi! Crank that shit up! Most honorable leader ’bout to raise the roof with his sick lyrics!! WUT WUT!

– Tel Aviv Suspect Discovered Hiding in Home of Off-duty Cop

See? SEE, world!? Stupid criminals aren’t just a ‘Merican thing! #idiocyhasnoborders

– Trump Would be ‘Coward’ to Snub Scotland Mosques

Is the rest of the world JUST cluing into the fact that Trump is a coward? Seriously?

– China Leads Move to Nix India’s Entry into NSG

Those bitches aren’t cool enough for this Communist Party! WUT WUT!

– Israeli Survey Finds Little Support For Trump in Arab World

Mirroring our own survey results over here. We’re not that much different, folks. #sanityhasnoborders

– Pakistan Turns Up Efforts to Enter NSG

The old slip the bouncer an oil field trick. Classic. WUT WUT!

– Family Accused of Running Drug Lab in Sprawling Home

They cooked their meth in the spacious, modern kitchen which overlooked the weigh station based in the contemporarily furnished open-floor designed dining room/den.

– Feds: Man Posing as Football Player Sought Nude Selfies

Why are they surprised? It’s the internet. OMG…do the feds NOT know how the internet works?

– How to Protect Your Twitter and Facebook Accounts from Hackers

You hackers look the other way for a minute while we read this. After all, we wouldn’t want you to know how we’re avoiding your attacks. Now I’mma go ahead and open this article, but I’m trusting that you’ll follow the honor system.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

…of course, maybe all the positives are what the robots WANT me to focus on. Holy shit. Do you think I’m playing right into their plan? Am…am I being an unintentional harbinger!??

– Human-carrying Taxi Drone to be Tested in Nevada

Sooooo…a plane?

– 38 Tips and Tricks to Master Periscope

38 seems like a lot of new things to have to master to use an app. My limit is, like, 2.

– Tinder Will Ban Under-18s From Using Their App

First: Oh, banning from an app? There’s NO possible way around THAT. Second: THIS WASN’T ALREADY THE POLICY!!??

– Domino’s to Track Australian Customers on Way to Store

Domino’s, why so creepy?

– Family Enlists Help of German Shepard to Pull Out Girl’s Tooth

In all fairness, he was the only one in the home with any dental training.

– Man Tries to Sneak Out Steak In His Pants

“Steak.” Yeah. Sure. We’ll go with that.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I’m turned around on this, folks. While on the surface there seem to be many benefits to robot/virgin relationships, I don’t know that we can overlook the dangers. I think we need to unite as creatures of biology and stop these robots from sexing up our virgins. I’m not ready to bow down to the robot uprising yet. #NOT.ON.MY.WATCH

Thus concludes a Roundup for Graduation Day, 2016. I’m a mess today. What’s it going to be like when I have TWO leaving me next year?! Gah. Time to go bury my feelings through a burst of housework…

The only tale of muffins on the internet that’s G-rated

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Have you ever wondered why kitty kibble comes in various shapes?

We ran out of my cat’s food and couldn’t find her brand here in town. I’m hoping they didn’t discontinue it, because she’s kind of a picky asshole when it comes to food. A search of the stores in a bigger metropolis is required, but in the meantime, I had to get her a different brand to tide her over.

The food she normally eats has round kibble. That makes sense, seeing that cats don’t give one single damn about what shape their crunchy food is. However, this brand tries to entice cats to eat it with shapes that include fish, Xs, and cat heads.

Cat heads.

CAT HEADS.

Kitty is not amused.

If I can’t procure some quality kibble soon, that bitch gonna cut me. I already woke up to her standing on my chest and glaring. She’s one more bowl of sub par morsels away from whipping out a shiv. It’s gonna get real.

I’ll take my littlest up to the big city to do some errands today. He’s been feeling a tad insecure the past couple weeks, and I think he might need a little Mum time. He’s been fretting about my new job.

He shouldn’t fret, but, like me, he’s a natural worrier. I’m working in the bakery of a grocery store. “Mother’s hours.” The hiring manager actually called them that. I told her that term was more old fashioned than I would have expected in today’s modern working world (no, no…don’t worry. I wasn’t being an asshole. I already knew her, and the ‘interview’ was pretty much us shooting the shit). I mean, don’t you think that’s weird with all the careful wording corporations use today?

Before I could start my stint as the muffin man, I had to take what are called “CBTs”. Computer Based Training. You sit and watch little videos on the computer and take tests about what you’ve watched. Of course there were important ones, like food safety procedures and bakery equipment protocols. I didn’t mind sitting through those, because it’s been a whole lot of years since I’ve used professional equipment and I’ve really grown quite fond of my fingers. It might sound greedy, but I’d really like to keep them all.

So, some of the CBTs were absolutely necessary and very much appreciated. However, most of them were about the corporation, their mission statement, their history (complete with a peppering of dates that I thought at the time couldn’t possibly be all that important…you’ve seen enough sitcoms to know that they were. Glad I got three tries at taking the test for that one…), their view on team members, etc. The worst one was a fifteen minute narrated slide show of the friendly side of the company. It had pictures of various employees hard at work with big smiles on their faces while the narrator explained how important they are to the company. And it was filled with puns.

I had to sit through fifteen minutes of corporate puns.

I lived through them, though, and am now a bakery team member. I even have a baseball cap. And a slightly icing-covered name badge.

I’ve been an at home mum for a very long time. There’s a bit of a learning curve to life taking on a new job. I’m getting into the swing, slowly but surely, and it was very nice to cash a real paycheck. I like the work itself, the people so far have been very cool, and it’s a kitchen. No false modesty around this one, now. While my self esteem is lodged somewhere in the sewer in a lot of respects, I have always rocked a kitchen.

When I was a teen thinking about my future, I went to a culinary school for baking. I instantly loved being in a bakery. Then life happened, and kids started popping out like Pez. I’m not sorry for the unexpected veer my road took, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss being in a bakery.

It smells good, and in ways you wouldn’t expect. A bakery does not smell like sweets and treats most of the time. There’s an underlying scent, a mix of old yeast and apple donut filling that’s slightly off and disinfectant and hot ovens. It might sound off-putting, but something about all those scents coming together turns them into an olfactory symphony.

It sounds good. The clanking of the pot washer, the gentle swish of the dough hooks, the hum and buzz of the Hobarts. Oven timers beeping, the dough baller chugging, the clicking of the muffin scoop plopping batter into the pans. And the chatter of the bakers, louder than most of the departments so voices can be heard over the oddly soothing cacophony. It all combines to just feel so warm and welcoming.

“Um, Bethie? Are we going to wax eloquent all morning?”

Okay, okay. I get it. You came here for lighthearted banter, not a Creative Writing 101 assignment. I didn’t intend to blather on so much anyway. Believe it or not, I had a totally different agenda this morning.

*waves to the left* *motions to the right* *go go dancers take the stage* *the band starts up with a polka version of the catchy theme music*

You know what time it is! Say it with me!! It’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Wow what an intro! Fantastyczny!!

It’s been awhile since we’ve poked fun at the news outlets. I thought what better way to spend my morning off than rounding up the headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re silly, sometimes they’re stupid. Usually, though, they just put an image in my head I must share. As always, these headlines are real. Unless the robot uprising has happened at the news outlets, a real human thought them up. I gather them and present them to you, with jokes. Shall we begin?

– Gay Gun Group Believes Court Win Puts Homophobes on Notice

I took a lot of English courses, and I can honestly say I’m shocked that these words can be strung together in the same sentence like this.

– Clinton: Trump is “Not Qualified” To Be President

Wowie! What a scathing indictment that would have been a year and a half ago!

– Tiny, Red Crabs Invade California Beach

So, you know…wrap it up.

– Emancipation Proclamation: The 13th Amendment to Hit the Auction Block

There is a deep, meaningful, and timely metaphor somewhere in here. Unfortunately, I promised we’d just do jokes for this section. Sorry. Get deep on your own.

– Oklahoma Lawmakers OK Bill Criminalizing Performing Abortion

Does everybody but me have a goddamn time machine? Didn’t we settle this ages ago?!?

– ‘More Will Die’: The Ethics of Up-Close Tornado Chasing

The “ethics”? It’s not an ethical issue. It’s a stupidity issue. God modern society is frustrating sometimes. Can’t let a woman decide on her own whether or not to have a baby, but gotta raise a stink and fuss when grown idiots want to get personal video of a tornado. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

“Ahem, Bethie?”

Oh. Right. Jokes. Sorry.

– Senate Approves $1.1B to Fight Zika Virus

Production Begins Immediately on Tiny Little Swords for the Battle

– Milwaukee Custard Shop Under Fire for English-Only Policy

I want to imagine the idea for this custard shop went something like this: Two upper middle class stoner kids were sitting around the in-ground pool one day eating the fancy desserts their mum ordered for a dinner party later. “Custards are mad sick, yo,” said one. “Aw hells to the YEAH,” said the other. “Dude, wouldn’t it be sweet to have a store of, like, all the custards?” “You’re a fucking genius, brah.” “But only for peeps who speak English.” “Totes.”

– Louisiana Lawmaker’s Stripper Weight ‘Joke’ Draws Rebukes

HOLD THE PHONE. Are you trying to tell me that a lawmaker joked about a stripper’s weight and people are upset by it?! Stunned. Absolutely gobsmacked.

– Congressman Wants to Strip IRS of ‘Guns and Badges’

Congress, the body that creates tax laws, wants to make it impossible for the body of government that enforces the tax laws to have enough clout to actually do the enforcing. … … …YAY!!! NO MORE TAXES!!!! Let’s have a ticker tape parade with our shredded W-2s!!

– Grammar Fail, Or Do Texas Republicans Believe Most Texans Are Gay?

Why must it be one or the other? Can’t they have poor grammar AND a shitty attitude? Come on, Reuters. Stop trying to fit them into one box. #IdiocySpansManyCategories

– Nearly 8 in 10 Public Pools Fail Routine Safety Inspections

Keep that in mind next time you send your kids off to steep in the town’s toilet.

– Grand Jury Finds Fault All Around In Plum Sex Scandal But Files No Charges

Plum…sex…scandal… It’s too early. I can’t even. Let’s just move on…

– Chinese Government-backed Social Media Users Flood Web

I can’t wait to read their completely honest and unbiased tweets.

– Boston Official Charged With Union-Related Extortion

The No Shit Gazette’s really pumping ’em out today, eh? *sorry, Bostonians. You know I love ya.*

– Open Your Door, By Knocking On it? This Device Can Do That

This has zero potential to end up in sitcom-level embarrassment.

– Harvard Engineers Have Designed a Soft, Wearable Robot

OH MY GOD SO CREEPY

– Scientists Have Found a Way to Make Wood Transparent

Holy shit! I wonder what they’re going to call it? I’m pretty good at naming things. Lemme give it a shot… Hm… Glasswood. Crystapine. NO! I got it! PLASTIC. Short, catchy, easy to say. I’m going to go trade mark that shit before someone else beats me to the punch.

– Google Patent Glues Pedestrians to Self-Driving Cars

…wut?

– Google Patent Glues Pedestrians to Self-Driving Cars

…nope. Doesn’t make any more sense the second time around.

– This Gloriously Disturbing BBC Tweet Has Created The Year’s Oddest Hashtag

#FishThatLiveUpBums Yep. I’d say that qualifies.

– SpaceX Appears to Be on Track for Mars by 2018, But Has Legal Hurdles to Clear

The Martian government is notoriously strict on travel visas. No one from earth has successfully passed the probing part of the physical exam. I wish SpaceX luck with this one.

– Dronebuster Will Let You Point and Shoot Command Hacks at Pesky Drones

*sniff* Stop. You had me at “dronebuster”. *sniff*

– Chinese Couple Spends Wedding Night Copying Constitution

Whoa sorry! Didn’t mean to take this post to the gutter. Should have put a NSFW warning before that steamy headline. I’ll be more vigilant in the future.

– You Can Now Throw Axes Around in London

Pip pip sign me up!

– Beer Mile Champ Getting Paid Big Bucks to Drink and Run

I believe the event will coincide with this year’s Darwin Awards.

– University Says Graduation Caps Cause ‘Avoidable Injury’

If you are a university that has such little confidence in your seniors’ ability to think for themselves that you issue warnings about damn hats, then I fully believe you have failed at your job and owe those seniors a refund.

– Couple Lives the Dream, Weds in Front of 700 Cats

Chin up! If they found each other in this crazy, mixed up world, there’s hope for you yet.

– What Does Trump Want in a VP?

My guess is a nice rack and a willingness to give him a “Bill Clinton” in the oval office.

– A Ban On Skinny Jeans?

Dear god YES. Thank you.

– Is This The World’s Most Instagrammed Coffee?

It makes me sad that there is actually someone out there who keeps track, but not quite as sad that THIS is what a respected news outlet feels is actually news.

– Images That Prove Photography Still Matters

I don’t think anyone ever said it didn’t matter. Feeling a little insecure, are we CNN?

– Did Coach Tell LeBron to Shut The F— Up?

Well someone’s gotta say it.

– Taiwan Installs 1st Woman President

“Installs?” What a weird way to put it. Unless…unless the robot apocalypse is upon us. *gasp* SO IT BEGINS.

– Since No One’s Buying Clothes, Here’s What the Stores Are Selling

My guess would be splatter guards for frying pans and copious amounts of sunscreen.

– Capt. Kirk Takes Command of Navy’s New $4B Destroyer

This is some straight up governmental fat cat bullshit! They should totally have followed the Wars model…cheaper, faster, lighter, and you get Han Solo! Plus, all the lower level officers wouldn’t constantly be dying. Just what are you trying to say with this type of statement, US Navy? HM?! STAR WARS IS SUPERIOR TO STAR TREK IN EVERY WAY.

– Trump: Clinton ‘Isn’t Qualified’ to be the President

Did…did Trump just do a “Nuh uh, YOU’RE the poopy head?” Oh fuck me. I can’t. I can’t have a president who can’t come up with a better zinger than “I’m rubber you’re glue.”

– Deep Sea Explorers Spot ‘Ghost Shark’

ZOMG. I call dibs on pitching “Ghost Shark” to Syfy for their next original movie.

– New Dinosaur Species Unveiled At Ottawa Museum

Shouldn’t that always be “old” dinosaur species unveiled?

– Blue Moon Rises Saturday- But it Won’t Be Blue

So…just the moon, then.

– Vietnam Frees Jailed Dissident Priest Ahead of Obama’s Visit

We used to do the same to our little sister five minutes before Mum was due home from work.

– Hubble Snaps a Fetching New Portrait of Mars

For the shoot, Mars wore a classic Bohemian number with just the most darling string of pearls. No wonder SapceX is so hot to “colonize”. Ooh la la.

– Feds: Failures Led to And Prolonged California Oil Spill

My tax dollars funded this investigation. *bangs head on desk*

– Evidence Scant California’s Licensed Illegal Immigrant Drivers Getting Insurance

In the country illegally? Cool. Become a licensed driver somehow? All good. But if they think they can get away without carrying full coverage THEY’VE CROSSED THE LINE.

– Evidence Scant California’s Licensed Illegal Immigrant Drivers Getting Insurance

…I’m just saying, it’s an odd straw that broke that camel’s back.

– Colo. Mom Arrested After Video of Child Abuse Posted Online

Whenever you find yourself cursing the internet and modern technology, just think about this story and know that kids are safer because fucking idiots have the tools to announce to the world they are, indeed, fucking idiots.

– Texan Arrested for 7th DWI After Crashing in Front of Police HQ

At least he saved them a trip. Silver lining?

– AI Will Condemn Humans to Life of Uselessness, Says Historian

False. AI will condemn humans to life of painful, meaningless servitude. It’ll still be a bleak existence, but I wouldn’t call it useless.

– Apple Supplier Hints at an All-glass iPhone

Damn it sheeple. Haven’t you figured out by now that they are just trying to come up with ways for your phone to break faster so you rush out and buy another? If Apple releases a glass iPhone and you buy it, I’m sorry, but we’re done. That’s my no give.

– Craigslist Ad Boasting ‘I Sell Weed’ Leads to Bust

Is there any other way that could have gone?

– Huge Peach, Scorned By Some, Plucked From Atlanta Skyline

I think we found the other party in the Plum sex scandal.

– Vodka Contains Fog Harvested From San Francisco Skies

Hipsters, put down that Pabst. You have a new god now.

– Atari is Developing ‘Centipede’ and ‘Missile Command’ Movies

Okay. I get the Missile Command. You can make a big back story and have explosions ‘n shit and it’ll be a fun couple hours. But Centipede? How in the HELL are they going to turn THAT into a movie?!

“Bethie, you’re going to pitch Ghost Shark to Syfy.”

…touche.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, May 21, 2016. I’m off to find some silly b-day wishes for my nephew then get my young pup on the move before the cat loses her shit completely.