I think I’m morally obligated to fill the plastic eggs with actual raw eggs…

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Mornin’ all.

Did I tell you about the cheese under the cake case?

The other day at work, my boss was stocking the tables with muffins and crème cakes and all sorts of unhealthy deliciousness, when something under my cake case caught her eye. It was a Longhorn gift card, one that had been taken off the large round display of gift cards for sale in the bakery.

My boss picked it up, then recoiled. It seems that the card was placed under the case to hide…cheese. Two slices, with bites taken around the edges. Looked like provolone. Cheese slice middles, sitting there, under a gift card under a cake case.

The deli is our store neighbor. The rounder of gift cards sits slightly toward the deli, right on our departmental border.

This is a thing that actually happened. Someone got a sample of cheese from the deli, wandered over and grabbed a gift card, then placed the cheese on the floor and covered it up with the gift card. And then they simply walked away.

Why.

WHY!?

Why would anyone do this? HOW could they even think it up in the first place? We have trash cans. We have napkins. Shit, even if they didn’t realize that and were just looking to ditch the unwanted cheese, why go the extra step of hiding it under a gift card?

I have never in my life taken a sample of something and hated it so much that I needed to hide all evidence of it ever having been a part of my life. Who does that? WHO IS THIS PERSON?? Who could even have this thought process in the first place? What else have they done in life?!??!

We’ve got some maniacs in this world, people. Stay vigilant.

So today is both Easter and April Fool’s Day!

Now, I could very easily make a joke here. Too easily, actually. I mean, it writes itself, when you think about it. Instead, I think I’ll make jokes about other things. Cue the music, because we need a…

*** EASTER/FOOL’S ROUNDUPSTRAVAGANZA!!!! ***

I have been gathering headlines for a month now, hoarding them as only a truly mentally unstable individual can. Some of them are dated, most of them are actually old news by now, but I’ve got to clean out the mental shelves and make room for more. It’s spring, after all, even if the weather’s not that keen on cooperating.

Those in the know are familiar with the schtick, but for any newbs, here’s how it works: I find headlines that speak to me. Maybe they say, “Hm, here’s something interesting.” Perhaps they call, “…wtf?” Sometimes they just say, “Durrrhurrrrrr.” I scour, I search, I listen for these tag lines to call my attention, then present the choice ones to you…with jokes. Or commentary. Or, in some cases, a good ol’ soap box observation. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just make up the bs after.

Got it? Good. Let’s do this.

– Fourth Nor’easter in a Month Takes Aim At New England

Because apparently Nature lost her calendar.

– What Is A Shamrock Shake? What to Know About McDonald’s Iconic Dessert

People say real journalism is dead, but then a hard and gritty look at real life such as this piece comes along and renews our faith in the profession.

– Woman Restrained After Trying to Open Cabin Door During Flight

While that is definitely a fair response to such an action, I give it less than a month before we see a follow up headline announcing her lawsuit against the airline.

Oooh! New game idea, folks! Let’s make a lawsuit office pool. Here are the rules: Everyone pitches in $2. We’re going to bet on two different aspects: when the lawsuit is announced, and what exactly the woman is claiming. I’m going to say that her lawyers will announce a suit on April 3rd, and they’ll be requesting damages for excessive force. *ching-clang of quarters and nickles hitting the pot* Who’s next?

– Woman Falls From Plane Door

Different woman, different plane. I think my new game has already gone viral, but I’m not sure people are actually understanding the rules…

– Your Location Data is Being Sold- Often Without Your Knowledge

Wow holy shit! This is totally the fast breaking news story of 2002!

– Kim Jong Un Calls For a ‘New History’

…ummm…I don’t think that’s how it works…

– Fights Erupt, 12 Arrested Ahead of White Nationalist’s Speech

Huh. These are generally very calm events lacking emotions or heated convictions. In fact, it’s widely known that folks who attend these rallies do so in order to get away from the hustle and chaos of everyday life. I’ve often heard them compared to accounting symposiums. Weird that they’d do such a drastic 180.

– 36 Exotic Animals Disappear From Florida Wildlife Sanctuary After Fake ‘Help Yourself’ Ad

Don’t send me hate mail or anything, PETA, but I would watch the hell out of this movie.

– Washington Becomes First State to Pass Law Protecting Net Neutrality

Let us pause for a moment to give Washington a standing ovation. Join me now. *WILD CLAPPING* *WHISTLES* *HOOTS* *HOLLERS* *flings bra up on stage* Bravo, Washington. Now, everyone else…ditto that shit STAT.

– California Hospital on Quake Fault Set to Close

I once set an entire tray of cupcakes down on the counter at work and promptly knocked it to the floor with my elbow. Bad days on the job happen. However, I never built a hospital on an earthquake fault line. I don’t know, but that might just be a world record for incompetence. Someone check with Guinness.

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I hope you didn’t hang up on Guinness just yet…

– Teen’s Tears of Joy Go Viral After He’s Accepted to Dream School

Ohhh boy…ummmm…this is awkward…

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I’ve given this some thought, and I believe you really dodged a bullet here, kiddo. Yes, you will now spend the rest of your life trying to live down the viral fame of what was ultimately failure. BUT, if the university can’t even figure out how to email, do you really want to pay them $30K/year? Silver lining, bud. #IGYB

– Alligator in Florida Caught ‘Window Shopping’ at Store Called Junque In The Trunk

WOW. FYI, he wasn’t shopping, he was mourning the handbag that used to be his best friend. Maybe try to understand alligator culture a little before you try and make jokes. #GatorFeelings

– Army Admits Mishandling War Dogs, Will Comply With Call for Reform

Exactly how does one “properly” handle an innocent animal that’s forced against its will to participate in a life threatening war it had absolutely nothing to do with starting?? No jokes here, folks. This legitimately pisses me off. One species should not be able to rope another one into their personal war. At all, ever, no matter how they treat the animal in the not-getting-them-killed down times between missions. We have the ability to think and reason and agree on morality. We should be better than this.

– Panama Hotel Ditches Trump Branding

I would totally sit through the three hour presentation on the wonders of time-sharing at this hotel if it meant we could learn the secret of how to ditch Trump.

– White House Clarifies Trump-N.Korea ‘call’, says He Meant South Korea

*adds extra notebook to the suitcase while talking to Panama hotel rep about time-share presentation openings*

– Amid Leader’s Power Grab, China Bans These Three Phrases From the Internet

I couldn’t leave you hanging on this one. The phrases are “personality cult”, “my emperor,” and “Winnie the Pooh.” Winnie. The. Pooh. You don’t even need any details to enjoy it, do you?

– Analysis: Trump may have ‘done something…with Russians’, Says Former Aide

*spews coffee all over the place* *chair legs slam to the floor* *grips hair with unabashed shock* WHAAAA????

– The Clowns Are In Charge

No truer words have ever been spoken.

– Daycare Workers Gave Melatonin To Children At Naptime, Cops Say

At one point in life, I had four kids ranging in age from newborn to five. I never drugged them, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t empathize just a wee bit with this story.

– Attorney: Relatives Still Have ‘Great Love’ For Student Charged With Killing Parents

No they do not. They might be trying to hold on to the love, or trying to convince themselves that their love for the kid is actually infinite. But, it’s not, and that’s okay. The little shit straight up murdered people. It’s okay not to love him.

– Cops Train to Spot Drug Trafficking. Why Not Train to Spot Child Trafficking?

Because in this country, drugs and guns are more important than children. #FACT

– Grandma Brings Doritos Bag Full of Drugs to Prison, Cops Say

Oh, Granny. Your big mistake was bringing top shelf treats the corrections officers wanted to “confiscate” for their afternoon snack. If you had just put the drugs in a box of saltines, you wouldn’t have been caught.

– Microsoft is Optimizing Skype for Low-end Android Phones

“The peasants are demanding services, master.” “*scoff* I allowed them access to solitaire. What more could they possibly want?” “Perhaps if we were to deign to let them use a fifteen year old free app they’d be appeased?” “UGH. *rolly eyes* Fine. *wave hand* Throw them a bone.”

– The Moon Formed Inside a Hot Cosmic Doughnut, Scientists Say

Hot Cosmic Doughnut is an amazing name for an indie band. I’d buy that t-shirt.

– Any Life on Proxima B May Have Been Wiped Out Last Year

You have no idea how legitimately disappointed I am. The search continues.

– The Moon is Getting 4G Cell Service and Live Video Feed

Greaaat. Give the Nazi base on the far side of the moon even MORE of an edge on us. #TheTruthIsOutThere

– Everything Americans Know About Science in Seven Graphs

That it’s possible to accurately represent everything Americans know about science in only seven graphs speaks volumes of sadness and pain.

– Tangled ‘Particle’ Helps Scientists Model Rare Ball Lightning

If ever there was a time to create a super weapon out of a scientific discovery, this is it. Ball lightning guns may be our only shot at defeating the robot uprising. Fix the problem you created, scientists.

– NASA Wants to Send Humans to Mars in the 2030s- Here’s the Timeline

Why wait? I’ve got a pretty good list of people we can send right now.

“But Bethie, it’s still not safe enough. Their odds of surviving are slim to none.”

*quirked eyebrow*

“OHHHhhhh. I see.”

Get on it, NASA.

-Years-long Storm on Neptune Winds Down

“Years-long” storms? Maybe I shouldn’t bitch about snow in March.

– Vaping Delivers Cancer Causing Chemicals

Inhaling chemicals delivers chemicals to your body? I never would have guessed.

– Republican Candidate for Maine House Calls Parkland Survivor Emma Gonzalez A ‘Skinhead Lesbian’ In Series of Vile Tweets

Maine, heart to heart time: You are the only other New England state I tolerate. You know what you gotta do here. Throw this asshole’s shit out in the dooryard, tell him to move on up the way, and don’t let yourself slip down to Connecticut status in the rankings. I’m countin’ on ya, Maine.

– California Teacher Accidentally Fires Gun in Class, Students Injured

…yep. *sigh* Yep.

– Tiger Uses Snowblower in Goffstown

No details. Mystery is the spice of life.

– Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Has Died at 76

I didn’t agree with some of his theories, and he was often a bit of a twat, but his contributions to our understanding of the universe have opened doors to paths we didn’t even know existed. Respect.

– O.J. Simpson Described ‘Blood and Stuff’ in Hypothetical Murder Scenario

How can anyone still doubt his guilt when he gives such detailed descriptions that only someone who was actually there would be able to share?? “Blood and stuff”? Could YOU come up with such minutiae? I don’t think so. Wake up, sheeple.

– President Envisions Space Force Someday in Military

Gotta fight dem moon Nazis. #THETRUTHISOUTTHERE

Elon Musk Poaching ‘The Onion’ Staffers For Secret Project

Brilliant, slightly insane scientist amassing an army of professional satirists? If this is how the world ends, I’m oddly okay with it.

– Cops Lose Snowball Fight

It’s the end of March, and there is still enough snow for a snowball fight. In fairness to the cops, I think EVERYONE loses this one.

– In Gun Control Marches, Students Led, But Adults Provided Key Resources

WHAT? I thought the kids rented the buses and drove themselves to the marches after busting open their piggy banks and pooling their change to pay for the permits! You mean the WHOLE THING WAS A SHAM??

– Self-taught Rocket Scientist Blasts Off Into California Sky

He built a rocket in his garage and blasted off into the air in an effort to prove the earth is flat. My dad once went to an industry convention to look at a new line of equipment for his machining company. At the convention, he actually met and interacted with a group of rocket scientists. He was always a space buff, and when I asked how it went with them, he said, “It was a big let down. I thought they’d be smarter. I think the only thing they do know is how to make a rocket.”

Dad’s hypothesis confirmed.

*ducks rotten tomato thrown by rocket scientist*

Fine. #NotAllRocketScientists …better?

– Is Your County Elections Clerk Ready for Russian Hackers?

This is NH. Odds are very good that at least half of our elections clerks still have to have their grandkids program their tv remotes. I’m going out on a limb and saying they’re probably not up on the latest internet security measures. On the plus, I doubt anyone’s trying to hack Window 98, so we should be fine.

– Crazed Girls Flood Parkland Shooter Nicholas Cruz With Money, Suggestive Pictures

Aha! I found it! The elusive “starting point” we’ve been searching for in the gun control debate. Let’s start banning people who send love letters to mass murders from ever owning a firearm. See how easy it is when you break it down to basics?

– Malala Yousafzai Returns To Pakistan for the First Time Since Shooting

This is the young woman who was shot in the head for going against sharia custom and promoting education for woman and girls. And then KEPT FIGHTING FOR IT. Just a little perspective for those who feel “persecuted” just because someone disagrees with them. An argument isn’t persecution. Getting shot in the fucking head for your belief is. There’s a difference, folks, and it matters.

– The Military Can’t Build Trump’s Wall. Here’s Why He Keeps Saying They Will.

Whaaa?? Why would he think they would? They aren’t contractors. Doesn’t Trump know what the military is supposed to do?

…oh. My. God. I don’t think he does. Holy shit. Guys, we’re in a lot deeper than I thought.

– Analysis: Trump’s Cabinet Ranked By How Likely They Are To Get Fired

I want to get pissed, but really, this is probably the best way to assess Trump’s cabinet.

– Trump Says Work On Border Wall Starts Monday. It Doesn’t.

I’m ready to disconnect from society and be the local legend recluse who comes down from the hills once a month to pick up my mail and buy an abnormally large quantity of sunflower seeds and orange soda. Who’s with me?

– Destructive Beetle Found in Albany Pine Bush Preserve

Dammit Ringo not again. #GetBackInYourCage

– Cabbies Lay Down Caskets In Protest of City’s Taxi Rules

…I am so confused right now…

– Trafficker Used Drug Money to Buy Cake Decorated With Gold

THAT. MONSTER.

– Clinton: No One Told A Man Who Lost To Shut Up

The hell they didn’t. ANYONE who bitches and moans about a loss this far out gets criticized, and it has absolutely nothing to do with genitalia. SHUT. UP.

…full disclosure, I was bummed Hillary didn’t win…not because I wanted her in office, but because I am vehemently opposed to Trump. She didn’t lose because she’s a woman. She lost because she’s tone deaf to what the country wants, has a history of contradictions between what she says on the podium and what she allows and ignores in her everyday life, and failed to address the electoral college during her campaign. Did Trump have help from Russia? Oh yeah, I’m positive he did. But that’s not what Hillary’s saying, is it? She’s not calling out any bad acts…she’s saying she lost because she is a woman. If she was a better candidate, I think she would have won, no matter how much help Russia threw Trump. So, once again, Hillary, shut up. You’re making women look bad. #TrueStory

– Martha Stewart Shares Va-va-voomy Pic

Ew what? No. NO. NOOOO!

– Passengers Freak Out Due To An Ant Infestation On Their Plane

I’m sick of these muthafuckin’ ants on this muthafuckin’ plane!

…what did you expect? The sequel is never as good as the original.

– Understaffed Office That Vets Trump Employees Plagued By Inexperience

I don’t have enough sarcasm to tackle this one adequately.

– Priest Accused of Embezzling $5M From Church For Lavish Estate

The pope literally sits on a gold-covered toilet. I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard feeling bad for the church here.

– Texas Bomb Squad Makes Egg Hunt For Visually Impaired Kids

“BETHIE NO! DO NOT SAY IT!”

…*presses lips together tightly*

…*repeats calming mantra until urge to blurt out bad joke passes*

Thanks for having my back.

“Anytime.”

You know it would have been hilarious, though, right?

– Art Dealer Accused of Drug-fueled Acts With Lobsters At Parties

Periodically through this day of festivities and/or trickery, I want you to stop and just think about this one question:

How did he get a lobster to do a line of coke in the first place?

I think we all deserve to know.

Thus concludes a Headlinestravaganza for Easter/Fool’s 2018. I’m off to chart out the logistics of crustacean drug habits to try and make sense of this crazy mixed up world. May your hams and lambs be juicy, and your donuts be filled with actual Bavarian cream and not mayonnaise. Everyone have a safe and happy day!

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Who the hell invited Stella!?

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Mornin’ all.

So here’s the thing. Two weeks ago, it was 65. Sunny. T-shirts were dusted off and donned by the citizens of the area eager to let the door hit Winter in its ass on the way out.

Of course, spaghetti strap tank tops that stop way too short and hot pants that would have been better off left on the store shelf also came into play. Can’t have a warm day without a few folks stuffing themselves into knit wear that’s probably silently weeping the whole time.

“Bethie! Are you fat shaming?”

No. I am refusal-to-wear-the-proper-sized-clothing shaming. They make clothes in different sizes for a reason. If wearing your clothes tests the physical limits of thread, you should wear a bigger size. If your feet turn purple because your hot pants are cutting off your circulation, you should wear a bigger size. If you need “someone to pull it up while I suck it in” to get any part of it zipped, you should probably go ahead and wear a bigger size.

Trust me. You’ll feel better. You’ll look better. Stop obsessing over the number and just wear what actually fits.

Anyway, we were all enjoying the laid back intro to spring, when Mother Nature said, “Psych.”

Winter storm Stella. They have named my enemy. Supposed to be a real nasty piece of work, too. They’re talking potential FEET of snow. In mid March. Not unprecedented by any means, but not a common occurrence. March snow tends to be a few inches of heavy, wet stuff that melts away in a day or two. This one? This one’s gonna take a bit longer.

It has put me in a funk. I am vexed. *slurps coffee* And the coffee’s not doing all that much to help, if I’m going to be honest. I woke up with heart burn and didn’t want to make it worse, so I watered down the usual varnish. Just doesn’t have the normal kick in the ass my body has come to expect.

Maybe I’ll grab a fresh cup, full strength, and just do a Pepto chaser.

“Ew.”

Snowstorm. Heartburn. And my cat shredded a whole roll of tp in the night. I gotta get this shit turned around. I still have to work, and you can’t make a nice cake when you’re pissy. Hm. What can we do to make this day better?

*whisper from off stage*

Hang on a sec. One of my go-go dancers is trying to get my attention.

*whispers**muttering**sound of a guitar tuning echoes through the quiet living room*

I’m back, and I have a plan. *achem* Oh, yeah, sorry. WE have a plan. *waves finger* Cue the go-go dancers and fire up the catchy theme music, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

* * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Let’s thank the dancers for their most excellent idea! And while we’re at it, give a hand to the band. They totally nailed that intro.

Yes, it’s a Roundup. We haven’t done one in awhile, so for any newbs out there, here’s the deal: News is stupid. Often the headlines reflect the idiocy. I scour the internet news sites looking for tidbits that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing, and sometimes they just put an image in my head that I must share. The headlines are always 100% real. I just supply the heartburn-fueled snarkiness after.

Up to speed? Good! Then let’s get right to it.

-Conway on Surveillance: We Have ‘Microwaves That Turn Into Cameras’

Oh no. Oh honey, no.

– Is Preet Bharara Trying To Tell Us Something?

I don’t know. Is Preet Bharara talking? Because if he is, then the answer is probably yes. #TheMoreYouKNow

– N. Korea Warns of ‘Merciless’ Strikes As U.S. Carrier Joins S. Korea Drills

Aw, whatsamatta Kim Jong? Did Donald Trump stealing the “Most Insane Ruler” championship belt hurt your feelings?

*sidenote: Can we please, PLEASE actually make that belt happen? I’m thinking huge, like a WWE belt, only not as classy.

“Not as…classy??”

You heard me. Make it happen.

– Florida Agency Puts Out A Want Ad For Python Killers

Is “python killer” slang? Is that…is that the female version of “pussy slayer?”

“BETHIE!”

In my defense, it’s Florida. It’s a fair question.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Of course not. There is an organized society of people who not only believe the earth is flat, but PUBLICALY believe the earth is flat. They’re so convinced that we live on a dinner plate that they SAY SO OUT LOUD. Of COURSE there are people who think we’re being spied on while we nuke our leftovers. Just make them all some tin foil hats and go about your lives.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Look, I’m not saying it’s not possible. I’m saying it’s inept. We don’t need to use microwaves to spy. We’ve got far better, more reliable, more controllable ways of spying on every aspect of our citizens lives. If the government wants to spy on you, they can. And they can do so much more efficiently than using microwaves. Someone’s reading old spy novels again. I think we need to enroll the White House in a book of the month club and get some modern day CIA action on their radar. Er, an audio book of the month club. At least then the conspiracy theories would be current.

– Harvey Still Has Bodyguards With Him After Flub

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Steve Harvey! Get over yourself. No one’s trying to kill you. It just didn’t matter all that much. Shit.

– Rubio Warns Snoop Dogg on Trump Video

…well there’s a headline I don’t think anyone expected.

– Rare Find Revisited: A Barn Full of ‘Birds’ 10 Years Later

I would like to think they are actual birds, because the thought of a documentarian being so desperate for a story that he goes back to a barn to film some damn pigeons 10 years later is dark humor I can get behind. The look on his face when he realizes they all died about 5 years ago would be film legend.

– Celeb Couples Who’ve Split in 2017

Awful early in the year to be pulling this one out. You’re wasting the best click bait. What the hell are you going to write about in November? You might actually have to report…news! *gasp*

– Ramirez’s Contract in Japan Has Some Hilarious Perks

…okay, I’ll bite. *reads* He gets a hotel room. He can opt out of practices in certain circumstances. He gets a car and driver. He has a meal budget. …and that’s it. Honestly, I can barely type through the laughter wracking my body.

– GM Has A Huge Supply of Unsold Cars

That’s called “inventory,” dear.

– Was Jane Austen Poisoned? New Evidence About the Writer’s Weakened Eyes Raises Questions

Holy shit, just the breakthrough Scotland Yard has been waiting for! Maybe they can finally arrest the guy. #JusticeForJane

– Europe Is Facing 4 Existential Tests. Can It Hold Together?

Oh, I know this one! Okay, Europe, when you get to the huge knot, just cut it. Saves so much time. #TopTip

– UK Cruise Ship Damages Pristine Indonesian Coral Reef

But the vacation pics Buffy and Skip got were totes worth it.

– WH Analysis Projects Bigger Health Care Coverage Gap than CBO

So what they’re talking about here is the Republican backed ACA health care replacement proposition. You know, the one that Trump ordered the Republicans to present? Yeah, now Trump is desperately trying to distance himself from the disgraceful piece of potential legislation. Think about that. It’s so bad that DONALD FUCKING TRUMP won’t even put his name on it. No jokes on this one. Please, PLEASE encourage your representatives to shoot this puppy down.

– Florida Girl Writes Letter To Burglar Who Targeted Her House

What a great way to get back at the burglar. I’m sure that she’ll read it and feel just awful about what she’s done. Then she’ll call you and tearfully apologize and you can meet up for coffee to allow her to cleanse herself by confessing and you can go about your life knowing that because of your letter, she will never burgle another house again, you noble crusader, you.

*heavy sigh*

– Facebook Bans Use of Its Data For Surveillance Tools

So, you know, don’t microwave popcorn when you’ve got the FB app open.

– Snaphash Is An Augmented Reality Weed Doctor For Your iPhone

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I just read.

– On Galapagos, Revealing the Blue-Footed Booby’s True Colors

Red. They dip their feet in blue paint just to screw with the scientists. Shh.

– How To Reset Your Body Clock For Daylight Saving Time

Don’t do it! Go rogue. #DamnTheMan

– The Controversial Campaign for Canada’s National Bird

Canada’s got a different set of criteria for what constitutes a controversy, don’t they?

– Boaty McBoatface Embarks on Its Maiden Voyage This Week

Remember the campaign to name the exploration submarine last year? Boaty McBoatface won the internet contest to name the serious, highly tuned scientific sub, but the society decided to choose a different, more respectable name. However, the pressure from the internet got too great and they have officially renamed the technological wonder Boaty McBoatface. Well done, internet. This makes me proud.

– Trump Has a New Rocket and Spaceship. Where Will He Go?

Where? Irrelevant. The only question is “WHEN?” #SendTrumpToMars.Personally.StuffHimIntoASpaceshipAndLaunchThatSucker

– The 50 Hottest Video Games You Shouldn’t Miss in 2017

They lead the article with the remastered Crash Bandicoot. The thumbnail is…Crash Bandicoot. The opening graphic is a still from…CRASH BANDICOOT. Are. You. KIDDING me?! Mass Effect: Andromeda? The Last Of Us 2? Red Dead 2? Breath of the FREAKIN’ WILD??? But no. NO. Crash. Bandicoot. Fistbump to all those who feel my outrage. #CRASH.BANDICOOT.REALLY!???

– John Cena Reveals Surprising Video Game Choice

Spoiler: it’s not Crash Fucking Bandicoot!

– Our Black Hole Has Been “Eating Snacks” For the Last 6 Million Years

Aaaand that’s it. I’m out. When you start talking about what you put in your black hole, it’s time to get off the internet.

Had to ruin it for everyone, didn’t you, IBT?

Thus concludes a quick Roundup for Pi Day, 2017. If there wasn’t a storm, the amount of puns at the bakery would get old. I guess that’s one thing to thank Stella for.

It’s a good thing she’s got a squiffy wiffy face…

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BREAKING NEEEWWWWWS

The 2017 color of the year has been announced!! Everyone ready? Could I get the band to give me a drumroll?

*ratatatatatatatatatatata…*

It’s….

“Greenery.”

Yep. Greenery. I’m told that’s a specific color. And not just ANY color; the 2017 Color of the Year. Be the envy of all your friends and show up to the New Year’s party in the cutting edge color…greenery.

Or, second choice, use literal greenery. I’d be okay with you showing up to ANY party in literal greenery. Slap some boughs across your bosom. Festoon your derriere with hemlock clippings. Roll around on the floor under your Christmas tree while wearing a fluffy sweater to repurpose those fallen needles. Really embrace the deep meaning and tradition of this completely real and not-at-all-made-up-because-they-were-running-out-of-choices color.

Don’t you feel better for being informed?

And…

Mornin’, all.

Sometimes a hard hitting news story usurps a salutation. That’s just the life of an ace reporter.

“Uh, Bethie? When did you become a reporter?”

Silly girl. Don’t you know ANYTHING about the world? I became a hard hitting news hound when I reported the color of the year. Apparently that’s all it takes these days to enter the fast paced, edge of your seat life of a journalist. So far no one’s shooting at me or threatening to sue, but I’m expecting my first cease and desist any day now.

Fear not. I won’t take this responsibility lightly. Unlike some reporters these days, I have principles. I wouldn’t DREAM of selling out my sources.

However, I have no qualms about mocking them relentlessly.

“Bethie! Are we doing…”

Uh, yeah. I mean, I was hinting pretty heavily. I already had the band ready. Just bring the go go dancers out…and cue the catchy theme music because it’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

It’s been a bit. It’s also 4:07 a.m. after I was woken up by a cat licking my nose, which is such an unsettling feeling that there was no way in hell I’d get back to sleep if I tried. Teen 2.0 decided to make coffee so strong that it literally hurt my teeth the first sip (True story from an ace reporter!), and the very first thing I read when I opened the portal to the internet pissed me off. So, in case you’ve ever wondered how things really work behind the scenes, all of that is agar on the sarcasm petri dish for me. I figure if I’m in a sarcastic mood, why waste it?

“Why indeed.”

So, for those who might not know, the internet is full of stupid news headlines. Hell, it’s full of stupidity in general, but you have to pick your battles, right? I look around the legit news sites and find the best of the worst headlines out there. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just flat out idiotic. Usually, though, they just evoke a reaction that my internal narcissist must share. As always, the headlines are presented to you as they appear. I simply supply the caustic commentary. Let’s dive in.

– Fake News and Lavish Parties: Teens Cash in on Empire of Lies

To be fair, one could replace “teens” with “politicians” and no one would be batting an eye. If you run a nation through lies and inequity, can you really expect a higher standard of behavior from the kids? #UncomfortableTruthIsStillTruth

– Addicted to Video Games: One Family’s Struggle to Save Their Son

Have you tried introducing him to meth and hookers? I hear those are popular teen alternatives to the demon vid-ya games.

– Polar Vortex is Coming: What it Means and How to Prepare

It means it’s fucking winter. Buy a coat. Shit.

– NASA Releases Images of Black Hole Eating Galaxy

Dude! Seriously?? Where’s the parental warning??? Remember when NASA didn’t have to resort to such tawdry tactics to hold the public’s interest? I’m starting a new campaign: The Only ‘G’ In Space Is The Rating. Let’s work together and bring back a family friendly NASA. #FamilyFriendlyNASA

– The Stinky Present One Homeowner Left Package Thief

Poop. You know it was poop. Everyone knows it was poop. Why does this article need to exist?

– The ‘American Dream’ is in Trouble

Oh wow, look at that! I thought the ‘No Shit Gazette’ had closed shop! Guess not. Nice to see a familiar face in my new journalistic journey.

– Dopplegangers Who Met 4 Years Ago Now Roommates

That is some ‘Single White Female’ shit right there.

– Test Your IQ: Take ‘USA Today’s’ Weekly Quiz

USA Today has an IQ quiz? I feel like that’s an oxymoron…

– Obama Orders Review of Russian Hacking

I’m on it. *achem* While the end result was what the programmer intended, the methodology was sloppy, lacked finesse, and had little refinement. I’ve seen better execution by Blizzard. 4.6 stars out of 10

– Giuliani Removes Himself from State Department Consideration

Bitch please. You got your ass fired.

– New Amherst College Mascot? 2,046 Suggestions Include Hooloovoo, Biddys, Fighting Poets, Ants, Amps, and Asparagus

*crosses fingers**whispers**Please let it be the Fighting Poets…Please oh please oh please…*

– Interfaith Event Against Hate Crimes Expects Large Turnout

Gee. No way this could possibly go awry.

– Rotterdam Police Arrest ‘Terror’ Suspect With Guns, Fireworks

“You got the timer right on that Roman candle array, Stan?” “Yes, sir!” “We got one shot at getting on COPS, and I don’t want a half assed timer blowing it.” “Ten four, sarg!” “Then get the guns and matches ready, boys. On the count of three…”

– Refrigerator Ruled Out As Cause of Fire That Killed 36 in Oakland

Initially suspicious because of its propensity to run, officers had no choice but to release the Model 117 Amana after surveillance footage clearly showed it never left the break room of the office complex next door.

– McCain: Tillerson’s Putin Ties a ‘Concern’

Tillerson’s? TILLERSON’S? Forget Tillerson. I’m personally a little more concerned with Trump’s Putin ties. Seems you kind of missed the bigger picture here, MSN.

– Finally the Truth Behind ‘M*A*S*H’ Revealed

I’ve been waiting 33 years for this very moment. *holds breath while the article loads* What? WHAT?? It’s nothing but CLICKBAIT??? WHYYYYYYY!!!!!?????….so….close….*sniff*…*rides off into the lonely sunset to continue the search for answers*

– Cat Tongues May Inspire New Wound-cleaning Technology

Mother of god no.

– An Alt-Right Makeover Shrouds the Swastikas

A Lawsuit-scared Media Shrouds the Nazis By Calling Them ‘Alt-Right’

– Artist Collective Residents Fear Crackdown After Oakland Fire

Uh…I think they missed the moral of the story…

– White Supremacists? Not Exactly, KKK and Other Groups Claim

Duh, they’re only “white nationalists”…folks who believe white people should be the ones in power, should never “mongrelize” their race, and should send those of other color and religions out of the country. We’re hurting their wittle bitty feelings by calling them “white supremacists.” So don’t do that. Instead, call them Nazis. All of them. Every chance you get. #A.Duck.Is.A.Muthafuckin’.Duck

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

I think we’ve already learned how lax inspectors are in Oakland.

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

…besides, do you even know how difficult it is to inspect a ghost ship? Every time you try to board, you fall right into the water.

– Spanish Civil War Ruins Offer Lesson on Cost of Conflict

Again, I feel the moral of a story has been lost. It takes a special kind of journalist to look over the headstones of the fallen men and women and think, “How can I best highlight the horrors of war? Hm…you know what? That building looks ugly with the bullet holes. OH MY GOD. Pulitzer, here I come!”

– That Old Rebel Group on a New Kidnapping Spree

Watch it, or those cheeky rapscallions will sneak in and steal your panties at night, girls!

– Fall of Aleppo Will Be a Pivotal Moment in Syrian War

Yes, but are the buildings okay???!!

– Judge Rejects Pimping Charges Against Escort Service Site

“Free membership for a year, you say?” The lawyer for the accused held the judge’s gaze, fighting to keep his composure and not allow himself a smirk of victory. As a seasoned attorney, he knew that look in the judge’s eye. He had him, hook, line, and sinker.

– Role Models? Parents Glued to Screens 9 Hours a Day

…*guiltily eyeballs screen*…*glances at clock*…*5:14? No one’s even awake yet? FUCK IT* *Triumphantly glues eyeballs back to the screen*

– Tiny Techies: Preschoolers Tackle Hour of Code

See?? SEE?? It’s not all bad to be a plugged in parent.

– Real Robots Fight a Virtual War in Your Own Living Room

Whose living room? Not mine! I told you I want no part of the robot uprising. #Not.Bowing.Down #No.Sheeple

– How a Goggles-wearing Parrot Aids Flying Robot Designs

Shit. They’re getting an air force now! #Still.Not.My.Overlords

– Scientists Manipulated Mice to Make Them Lose Track of Time

Scientists are dicks.

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

57!? That seems like a really specific amount of red flags. Did somebody at Redbook just get dumped? Hmmm??

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

…there were 7 of them about lying, and 5 about not wanting to meet/interact with her family. Yeah. Someone’s a tad bitter.

– Inflation is Finally Perking Up

Boy, I was just saying to my hubby last week that I am sure getting sick of paying a reasonable price for necessary goods. Can’t wait to empty the piggy bank just to buy milk!

– If Mom and Dad Can’t Afford it, Santa Shouldn’t Be Able to, Either

Who died and made you the financial gestapo? Stop telling Santa what to do with HIS money Commie.

– 9 Ways Your Sex Life Can Be Improved In Just One Day

Holy. Shit. Listen to this one: “6: Don’t let rejection be an option for either one of you.” No joke, that is legit what it says. Let that marinate for awhile. #DO.NOT.FOLLOW.THIS.ADVICE. #It’s.A.Felony

– Memphis Ties Homicide Record With Recent Killings

…uhhh…congratulations?

– $3 Gas A Gallon? Coming Soon

I’m not surprised. The price of gas has been going up steadily for a couple months now. Maybe that’s why they can’t afford a basic grammar lesson over at USA Today.

– Official Reinstated After Racist Remark

“We were on the fence about canning Nancy, but once she opened her mouth, we knew we had one of ours at the top,” said the Nazi KKK “alt-right” grand poobah from under his ridiculous dumb white cone head. #Alt-right.Are.NAZIS

– As U.S. Spy Chief, Fiorina to Support Backdoors

*gasp* NO. I’m STUNNED.

– Second Man in a Week Dies While Skiing at Killington, Vermont

Maybe they should have skied at Livington…

“Bethie!”

What?

– Ex-governor Michael Dukakis Endorses Campaign to Exonerate Ethel Rosenberg, Executed in 1953

The life after the gubernatorial seat is a fast-paced ride that never stops.

– Amherst College Suspends Cross Country Team Activities After List of Women, Offensive Emails Emerge

Okay, new name option: The Pervy Poets.

– Turkey Detains Kurds, Hits Militants After Twin Blasts

Turkey detained Kurds? No whey!

– Governor of Indonesia Capital Sobs Uncontrollably as Blasphemy Trial Begins

A governor elected to office is actually facing FIVE YEARS in jail because he quipped offhandedly that some of his political opponents were misquoting the Quran during their speeches instead of debating the issues. That’s all he said. He won his election. And as soon as he took office, he was arrested for blasphemy and now stands trial. Just let that one sink in for awhile. #Nazis.Take.Many.Forms

– Fake Dentist Pulled Teeth, Made Dentures, Prosecutors Say

So…a regular dentist, then.

– Out of Prison But Uninsuranced, Inmates Fall Prey to Ills

Yep, that’s how it’s worded. Verbatim. Seems kind of like grabbing at low hanging fruit to pick it apart, doesn’t it? #You.Do.It.To.Yourself.STAT

– Years After Alleged Mob Murder, Family Wants Answers

“You know, right after it happened, we didn’t really care all that much. It was a thing that happened, and we were busy with our own lives and shit. But then at this past Thanksgiving, my sister Sally said, ‘Remember how Papa was gunned down in front of us? Think we should start looking for the killer?’ I was like, ‘Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that!’…”

– Intelligence Community Worries About Trump’s Refusal to Hear Briefings

They put too much effort into this spin. All they needed was, “Intelligent Community Worries About Trump”.

– NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft Just Sent the First Images From Its New Orbit Around Saturn

The images were taken of Saturn’s “north” pole, from a distance that’s about the same as from Earth to our moon. Raging around the pole is a hexagonal hurricane that’s as wide as two Earths, with wind speeds of up to 330 mph. No one knows why the clouds form a hexagonal pattern instead of a circle, but when Cassini finally makes a last, triumphant run straight for the planet in 2017, we may be able to see footage of the surface, or at least some type of topographical data that could help us figure it out.

No jokes. No mockery. Just thought that was amazing and worth knowing. I guess NASA has redeemed themselves today after all.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I didn’t know that telephones and wireless keyboards were gender specific. My bad.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I just had to. I had to rage read this one. And you know what? I was/was not disappointed. I saw exactly what I thought I’d see. The first four in the list are little gadgets designed to track fitness. The next is a pair of USB unicorn slippers. There’s a stupid little box that you press and it gives a randomly generated inspirational quote, and a key fob type thingie that you push to make a massage appointment. Internet, you’re starting to piss me off.

– Engagement Rumors Hit Gwyneth Paltrow, and More News

That is not news. “I heard a rumor” is not news. If anyone is questioning my ability to call myself a journalist now, all they need to do is read this headline.

– 29 Times Celebrities Inspired Us With Their Ugly Christmas Sweater Style

“news: n., noteworthy information, especially about recent or important events”

– 14 Priceless Pieces of Relationship Advice You Only Realize After You’ve Been Married

I swear to god if you don’t get your act together, internet, I’m out.

– Your Pet’s 2017 Astrological Forecast

*sigh* That’s it. *waves white flag* *storms off* *slams door*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, December 13, 2016. I’m off to get ready for work where I hope to have less bizarre customers than I had yesterday. I mean, one can hope, right?

Let’s hope ‘rude customer’ isn’t the theme of the weekend…

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Mornin’ all.

It’s been ages, and my typin’ fingers have been itchy for a workout. I’m struggling to get back into the work-during-school-year routine. It always feels like I’m rush rush rushing, with no time for chatting it up with pals.

…okay, that’s a bit of a cop out. I mean, I totally could have written something on my days off. But there was laundry to catch up on. Piles of it. Intimidating peaks and tors of sweaty socks and crusty drawers. Dishes and empty soda cans stacked on desks. Graffiti on the walls. A group of hobos were roosting under the dining room table. Don’t know when they arrived. There was too much recycling piled up making them a cozy hobo nook. If I hadn’t caught it when I did, they would have hibernated there all winter. And do you even know how little the dwarfs will do to keep a bathroom in order when Snow White has to be away decorating cakes?

Wait. Can I say that?

“Uh, no.”

I’m not trying to offend. I’m simply referencing a childrens’ story.

“Yeah, Bethie, but you picked one about seven men who were born with a congenital disorder that’s made them societal pariahs who use the naivete of an innocent abused runaway to essentially trap her in a different type of abusive household where she is suddenly solely responsible for the health, welfare, and cleanliness of seven grown ass men until a MILF roofies her, a prince gets a little rape-y, and she wakes up to find herself in a newly gilded cage surrounded by fame and paparazzi and pressure she never asked for…”

It’s a DISNEY movie! Surely I can reference a little kid movie without pissing off the internet, right?

“Have ya ever actually seen the internet?”

Fair enough. Not Snow White. Let’s air on the side of caution and say my days “off” have felt more Cinderella-ish.

“Oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Cinderella, Bethie!”

*hands up* OKAY!! I give up! No child movie references. Sheesh.

I was just meant that these days, I’m busier than a one-handed paper hanger.

“*gasp*”

I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?

“STOP!”

Busier than a bee!

“Dude, not cool. You KNOW how upset I am over the declining population numbers of bees.”

GODDAMN YOU’RE TOUCHY! I’m a writer. I’m just trying to inject a little personality into the piece instead of saying “Sorry, was busy. Thnx.”

“Bethie, are you shaming the millennials with your use of text instead of proper wording?”

Oh piss off!! *sigh of exasperation*

So as I was saying, it’s been busy at the bakery. It should be the calm before the impending holiday storm, and would have been if our bagel maker hadn’t gone on a fateful test drive of a new motorcycle. She’s okay in the sense that she’s alive and overall well, but she wrecked the bike and her arm in one go. Here’s an industry insider pro tip: You cannot make bagels when you have a torn shoulder and a shattered elbow. Shhh…don’t let my competition know!

And this happened right after we finally got our manager back. You remember her…she’s the one that fell and broke her pelvis.

There’s an ominous feeling among those of us who have yet to be injured in the bakery, and the hubbub is that we’re cursed. I don’t like that kind of talk, mostly because I have NOT been injured yet and wish to keep it that way. I’m going to keep saying that curses are hogwash while I don my bubble wrap suit. Never hurts to hedge a bit, does it?

I was looking at the news today, and you know what I decided? It sucks balls. There is a lot of doom and gloom in the headlines, folks. And since we are members of the same wet rock, it’s good to know what’s happening. It’s not like we can, or even should, avoid learning about our world, no matter how shitty the news of the day might be.

But, I think we can also take a break from the naysayers for awhile and find things to laugh about, don’t you? Because no matter how shitty and bleak it seems, the coin always has another side. Sometimes it’s really good to flip it over and chuckle. My long time readers know what that means.

Cue the band and signal the dancers, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

That’s right, it’s a roundup. And why the hell not? I think we fully deserve one after dealing with the muck and yuck going on right now.

For those who don’t know, sometimes the internet news sites have headlines that are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re worded fine, but still dumb. Usually, though, they just give me a mental image I must share. I scour these sites and bring you the upper echelon of ridiculousness. As always, I present the headlines to you in their 100% natural form. I just add the snark.

Shall we begin?

– Woman Has Baby With Mother’s Womb; It’s ‘Science Fiction’

I’m going to have to disagree with the classification. I’d definitely put that in the ‘soap opera’ genre.

America’s Most Endangered Historical Places

At first I scoffed, then I actually took the time to read the article. Dude, did you know there’s only ONE Gettysburg left? Deforestation and urban sprawl have eradicated the other four score and nineteen of them. Sign the petition at change.org today to fund rehabilitation efforts before the same thing happens to the 23 Mt. Rushmores.

– Jamie Foxx Blasted By Chess Champion Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelean President

I cannot think of a more random and unexpected headline. Why is a chess player coming out of the blue to blast a US actor about his stance on Venezuelean politics?? I love this so much.

– 80’s Pop Stars Then and Now

I clicked. *sniff* I clicked and now the memories of all the teen dream posters of my youth have been tainted by beer guts and bald spots. Screw you, MSN. *sniff*

– Barely Half of Illegal Border Crossers Caught

…you guess maybe, you think. If they got by you, you didn’t know it, right? So how can you possibly know how many you didn’t actually know about? I hate baiting articles like that that just muck up the issue.

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

What the actual fuck. “Hurricane Truthers?” WHAT? Is this a thing? SERIOUSLY??!!!

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

My gawd it IS a thing. These assholes are actually claiming that the pictures of the damage in Haiti are staged. That hundreds of people didn’t really die. That it’s all a government conspiracy to support the concept of global warming.

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

One of the reasons listed is because the government controls the satellites that are giving info on the storm. Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Dude, no one’s stopping you from launching your own satellite. Chop chop. What are you waiting for?

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

Like, I’m not even joking. I’m ANGRY now. Those irresponsible, dumb sons of…

“Remember what this is supposed to be about, Bethie. A break from all the doom and gloom and idiocy.”

*deep breath* *grumble*

“Come on. You can do it.”

You’re right. *calming mantra* *long sigh* Thanks. I’m better now.

– Two Hawkish Anti-immigration Groups Say Consulted By Trump

I was going to pick on the headline for being a travesty to grammar and common sense, but since the subject matter is Trump, the bungled mess seems oddly apropos.

– Damaged NJ Transit Train Removed from Station After Crash

They say that like there was ever anything else they were considering doing with a wrecked train. Now I have questions…

– Matthew Could Hit Florida Twice

LIES!! #chemtrails #newworldorder #harambewasaninsidejob;literally

– CEO of Backpage, Called ‘World’s Top Online Brothel’, Arrested on Pimping Charges

You mean the madam of a brothel could be considered a pimp? That seems like a stretch to me.

– Andrew Bieszard Claims God Sent Hurricane Matthew to Stop Orlando Pride

JUST HOW FAR UP DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO?!? #alltheway #secondamendment #flatearth

– Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly Skilled Forger in Arts Market

Or maybe… Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly UNskilled Appraisers in Art Market

– Hurricane Nicole A Little Stronger, Slows Down

Whoa. Nicole? Who’s this Nicole bitch? WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW?? As soon as a little scrutiny is applied, they change tactics. #wakeupsheeple #area51 #molemenarereal

– Robert De Niro on Trump: I’d Like to Punch Him in the Face

Bethie on Robert De Niro: I’d Like to See Him Punch Trump in the Face

– What Happened to North Carolina?

Shit, I don’t know. I thought it was tossed on the foyer table? Everyone start checking under the couch cushions. I’m going to look in the jeans Uncle Sam was wearing last night. Let’s hope it didn’t go through the wash!

– Wet and Wild: New Jersey Teens Travel 1000 Miles for Matthew

Fucking. Dopes.

– Vegan Mom Faces Charges for Feeding Tot Only Fruit and Nuts

This one is interesting. Makes you wonder when the other side of the debate will hit and parents who only feed their kids junk food will be charged. I’m in no way pro vegan. I embrace the fact that I am designed to be omnivorous and love me some charred animal flesh. But, I’m also in no way pro junk food diet. It’ll be interesting to see how far this goes and what the result will lead to.

“Bethie? I thought we were making jokes, not social commentary?”

Oh. Right.

– Leaked Video Shows Donald Trump Making Lewd Comments About Women

If this news legitimately surprised you, then step right up, because I’ve got this fantastic bridge I’d like to sell you!

– Should Retailers Close for Thanksgiving?

Gee, let me think about that one. *rolly eyes*

– Curiosity Self-Portrait And Other Incredible Space Photos

Our robots take selfies. If this doesn’t prove that we’ve taken artificial intelligence too far, I don’t know what does.

– Feds Investigating Smoking Samsung Phone that Forced Plane Evacuation

Smoking on a plane? Oooh, Samsung such a badass.

– Saturday is ‘Observe the Moon Night’

I guess I didn’t get the memo because I showed up early to that party last night. Oops. Don’t I feel foolish.

– UK’s Chatty Fish to Be Recorded

“Put the batter down! I’ll talk! Please, for the love of god…I have a wife and sixty three children, mate!”

– Bees Taught to Pull String for Reward, Then Teach Other Bees

These experiments are more of a sociological study than anything else. Someone sat there looking at a bee and thought, “Say, I wonder if I could make this bee pull a string?” I’m personally very glad that dude is in a lab and not mixing in the general population. Really think about it. There is nothing at all in a bee’s normal course of life that would make a sane person believe it could pull a string. Wtf.

– Norway’s PM Caught Playing Pokemon Go In Parliament

BAHAHAHA!!!

– Creepy Clown Sightings Are a Nightmare for the World Clown Association

Holy shit, guys. They’ve got an association. They’re organized now. THIS is how society will end!

– Do Fish Flirt In Regional Accents?

SEE? Scientists are weirdos.

– Artist Recreates Childhood Toys Entirely Out of Clay

…why? I mean, just get the toys. You can find them on ebay. And you’re not breaking any copyright laws to do it.

– Body Positivity Has Hit the Mainstream. Now What?

Now we move on and actually start thinking about things that matter.

– Is Spencer Prat the Atest and Reatest Food Star to Emerge on YouTube?

What? Are you having a stroke, USA Today?

– Dad Pays $39 to Hold Baby After Birth

It’s almost as if there’s no oversight in our hospital system so they feel they can get away with taking advantage of people during an emotionally unstable period in their life or something. Huh.

– How to Eat Like A Nomad

…okay, I’m intrigued. I tried not to be, but come on! Admit it…you now have questions, too.

– ‘Honor Killings’ Outlawed, Even if Family Approves

It’s 2016 and this is an actual thing that JUST happened. Let that sink in for awhile. Holy. Shit.

– Did Fox Reporter Go Too Far?

Isn’t that pretty much a job requirement at Fox?

– Hurricane Matthew Threatening Some of South’s Most Storied Cities

Oh. My. Gawd. I just figured it out. Follow me on this. We know that our national landmarks are becoming endangered, right? Some of these landmarks are in the middle of cities. Have you ever wondered why? Hm. Maybe because someone is trying to take your focus away from the landmarks by building up a bustling city around them, aka govenrmentally constructed distractions. Ask yourself this: What are they trying to hide? What’s behind the smoke and mirrors of streets and buildings? They clearly don’t want you to find out, because as soon as it became obvious that those of us who want to know wouldn’t let the neon lights of civilization blind us to the truth, they engineered a “hurricane”- aka secret military swat team that will go in after the sheeple have evacuated and create “storm damage”- to wipe out these “historical places.” Follow the breadcrumbs, people. It all makes sense.

Illuminati CONFIRMED.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, October 8, 2016. Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that I was making the icing roses improperly, and that she would know because she has made “real cakes” her whole life. Folks, it took every ounce of personal restraint I had not to end up in this here Roundup with a headline like: The Customer May Not Always Be Right: Local Cake Decorator Shoves ‘Real’ Icing Rose Up Rude Customer’s Nose.

The weekend is just getting started. Check headlines on Monday. You never know.

Insane in the membrane…

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HOLY SHIT, GUYS.

…er…I mean, Mornin’ all yada yada. But mostly, HOLY SHIT.

There I sat, choking down a cup of what I’m pretty sure is one of Teen Beta’s failed alchemy experiments to turn lye into drinkable coffee while I read the news, when I came across this:

Russian Volunteers for First Human Head Transplant

See? SEE!? Holy. Shit.

Here’s the deal. An Italian scientist announced last year that he had a kooky idea to take the good head off a bad body and stick it where a bad head used to attach to a good body. A Chinese doctor heard the snickers and jeers of 99% of the world’s physicians and bravely stepped forward to say, “Sounds cool, bro.” The two scoured the planet for a volunteer, and finally a Russian named Valery Spiridonov raised his hand and said, “Ispol’zovat’ moyu golovu!”

Wow, huh?

My mind is blown. I guess not as much as Val’s will be, but still, I’m gobsmacked. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got so many questions. Let’s dig in a little and see if we can make sense out of any of this.

First off, this idea isn’t exactly new. Folks have been curious about sticking parts of one person onto another probably since they sat around eating their mammoth steaks. No tv, no radio, no internet…I’m guessing caveman dinner parties were pretty boring affairs. I’m pretty sure minds tended to wander. Ugg sat looking at Mrs.*gruntnoise* and had the zany thought of wondering what she’d look like with Mr.*gruntnoise*’s head. Oh, you know he paid for the hoots of uncontrollable laughter he snorted out at the mental image later. Mrs. Ugg had spent all day grinding ash into that mammoth flank to make it tender and he HAD to go and ruin her efforts like the uncultured hyena he was.

Bad form, Ugg. *shakes head*

Or maybe the idea popped into the head of the first guy to use his super sharp, newfangled, handheld weapon fresh from the forger’s mystical cave to lop off an enemy’s arm in battle. The blade went *shing*, the arm fell to the ground, and the dude thought, “Hm, intriguing. I wonder if the barbers could attach the fallen appendage to another man? It’s a perfectly good arm. It would be a shame to waste it. If one were to simp*splat**gurgle*…uuuuhhhhffff…*thud*”

Never lose concentration in battle, folks.

The point is, it’s an old idea. Very old. One of those thoughts that probably popped into many different heads in many different cultures at many different times. The thing is, until very recently in terms of human history, it was just a thought experiment.

…get it? Thought experiment. Cus it’s brains. *ducks rotten tomatoes* Oh you fool. You just wasted your ammo, and you haven’t even heard the worst one yet. Pfft. Amateur.

We didn’t have the technology or the know-how to actually attempt such a transplant. And even if we had been able to manage such a medical feat sooner, this has always been considered one of the taboo experiments.

In the medical and psychomedical communities, there’s a general list of taboo and forbidden experiments. These experiments are deemed unethical or inhumane to a level that goes beyond any possible justification as to the value of the data outweighing the horror committed to attain it. These range from conducting medical trials on people who do not have the capacity to understand possible implications, to deprivation experiments, to using inmates as living donors… There’s a whole list, and head transplanting is pretty close to the top due to successful recent experiments with mice.

Yep, you read that right. They’ve done this successfully already. Not with humans, no, but isn’t that the next logical step? They have taken the head off of one mouse and successfully attached it to the body of another. And, they’ve done it multiple times, so this isn’t some one-off deal.

The anti-head swappers have called this experiment “bad” and “irresponsible” science, for many reasons. They believe the experiment will fail, and many have gone on record saying that should that happen, and Val dies on the operating table, the doctors involved should be tried with murder. They are saying that the docs must have downplayed the high likelihood of death to get Val to volunteer in the first place. No one in their right mind would risk death for something like this if he was sane! Besides, even IF the experiment was somehow successful, it’s incredibly selfish for one man to get ALL the organs when so many people are waiting for organ transplants. Any donated body should be rent asunder and scattered evenly around the globe. Grumble and balderdash and stuff and nonsense and muttering about charlatans and…

Here are some facts about Val. Val has a genetic condition called “Werdnig-Hoffman Disease.” It’s a genetic disorder that breaks down muscle and kills nerve and brain cells that control those muscles. With all respect to Val, in the photo shown, the only thing that looks at all normal about him is his head. His body has crumpled in on itself. He’s confined to a wheelchair, and can’t even move his legs at this point. His arms have gotten to the point where they, too, are close to being useless. His life sucks, folks. It sucks massive amounts of balls, and there is absolutely no treatment whatsoever. His muscles will continue to dissolve until he is nothing but a head on a useless pile of bones, unable to move, unable to breathe or eat on his own, kept alive by machines. That’s the future Val has.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, because damn did that headline wig me out. But, I’m kinda on the side of Val and the docs here. I know it’s creepy. I know it feels wrong, somehow. I can’t help it. The more I read and consider, the more I think I’m on their side.

Shit. *shrug*

The body they plan to use will be a young, brain dead male. Trust me, there will be many options available to them without any clandestine behind-the-pub-waiting-for-an-unsuspecting-drunk attacks. Young, able-bodied men do stupid shit that gets a lot of them killed every single day. They’re going to start off with two absolute volunteers.

“But Bethie, Val is just desperate and not in his right mind.”

Yeah. Val IS desperate. He has absolutely no shot at living any sort of life. None, whatsoever. If he stays the course with his own body, he will only ever be a head. Everything else is too broken to repair. The doctors of the world have not done enough research to solve Val’s problem. Their “solution” is to make him “live” the rest of his life being a brain fed by a machine. That’s all Val will be. He won’t be able to talk, because his vocal chords are next on the Werdnig-Hoffman hit list. He won’t be able to move. He will be hooked up to machines that eat for him, that breathe for him, that pump blood through his dead body for him. He will not even be able to end his own suffering. Once he gets to that point, and it’s coming up fast for our pal Val, there is no way for him to stop it. He will be 100% at the mercy of whichever Dr. Frankenstein is at the helm of his “life” machines.

THAT is the “ethical” and “humane” future the doctors of the world are backing.

Would you want to be a cyborg head on top of a useless pile of bones for years and years and years and YEARS just because someone else wants to pat themselves on the back for keeping you alive?

I get it. At first I couldn’t wrap my head around all of this, but after thinking it through, I get it. In Val’s shoes, I would be gung-ho to try, too. The worst case, the very worst, is that his lifelong suffering is over. And even if that happens, the knowledge that will be learned for it will be the one and only shot Val has to contribute to the advancement of scientific and medical knowledge.

“You haven’t addressed the fairness of using all the organs on one person.”

All those organs were in one person to begin with. And if that person lived, then zero organs would be available for anyone. Maybe that donor would have lived long enough to develop cancer, or contract a virus, or be infested with worms, rendering the entire body useless for transplants. Maybe the person wants to gift their body to just one person. Maybe the idea of meting out body parts to and fro like a human pinata is pretty fucking creepy when you think about it.

“But it’s going to turn into rich old men buying bodies to use them in succession to use for eternal life.”

Classic sci-fi fears, playing out in real life. The thing is, all of these fears and trepidations have been voiced at every great medical leap. Some folks wanted to lynch the doctors in the Baby Fae for putting a helpless infant through that horrible ordeal. So many doctors in the medical community were absolutely convinced it was morally, ethically, and medically impossible. There were actual protests before the first human to human heart transplant. Protests!

And yet, enough doctors kept trying until they became successful.

“But…but…even if it works, Val won’t be the same person!”

Ah, there it is, what I think is the crux of the issue. What makes a person a person? What makes them an individual? How much can you replace of the man and have it still be Val? Is there a soul? Where does that soul reside…in the machine that is a brain, or in the chest that aches and warms when you feel emotion? Where does the person truly live inside a body?

Personally, I’m kinda hoping the experiment is successful and we can find out. I have no idea what that says about me.

Probably that it’s a good thing the Mr. hasn’t gotten around to funding my basement laboratory yet, eh?

Thus concludes a science-y Muse for Tuesday, August 20, 2016. I intended to hop on to talk about a completely different subject this morning, but when the first thing you see is a man getting a complete cranium transplant, everything else pales. Maybe I’ll ramble again tomorrow. For now, I’mma jet off to work. Unlike Val’s body double, it’s the only way I’m going to get ahead in life.

…told you. Next time, bring more tomatoes.

How many times can I say ‘moist’ before you just can’t take it anymore?

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Mornin’ all.

We got some rain last night. I’m hoping that it’ll break this heat wave, but at the moment, it looks like it just made things more moist out there.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but the air is moist. Warm and…moist.

“Ew, Bethie. Stop saying that word.”

Can’t. There isn’t a word more appropriate for the ickiness. Walking outside yesterday was like walking into a limp, warm, moist sponge.

And now, though cooler, it’s so moist out that the light from the street lamp at the end of my drive is struggling to illuminate anything else. There’s a dense, moist miasma hanging around and…

*squeak of chair*

Wait. Where are you going?

“I’m out.”

Okay okay! I’ll stop saying it!

“*quirks the eyebrow of dubiousness*”

I promise. Besides, you don’t want to leave today. I have some delicious cake to share. Look at it. Smell it. Mmmmm. It’s not a bit dry, either. In fact, one might say it’s…

“*GLARE OF WARNING*”

…at the peak of freshness!

“…”

Cake?

“…*sigh*…”

Come on. Sit back down and have a slice. I was only playing. You wouldn’t want to leave anyway. I’ve got the band ready to go and I thought we’d…

“*plunks down in the chair**grabs a slice of cake* Stop grossing me out already and get to the…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You jumped the gun, man. No one was ready! The band blew the intro, and the dancers legs all got tangled. Look, I know I owe you for the whole m-word debacle, but just sit there and eat your cake and let me run this, okay?

“*waves fork in my general direction*”

Philipe? Could you be a lamb and put down your tuba to help untangle the ladies? I think the rhinestones on their fishnets got twisted together. Thanks.

Okay, now that the cluster of dancers is in Philipe’s capable hands, let’s get to the Roundup. For those who don’t know, the world itself has become entwined and tangled. Every day the news seems more and more horrible. However, once in awhile, there are headlines that crack me up. Like the streetlamp outside my window, these beacons of ridiculousness shine through the moistness of society.

“…Actually, I’ll allow that one. Continue.”

Thank you.

Sometimes the headlines are dumb. Sometimes they’re poorly worded. But more often or not, they just give me a mental image or a gut reaction I feel I need to share. As always, the headlines themselves are completely real. I just supply the snark.

Everyone up to speed? Excellent. Let’s get into it…

– Trump to Clinton: ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

I missed Mr. Nice Guy? When was Mr. Nice Guy?!?

– Doherty Breaks Down Over Breast Cancer Battle

Pfft. Weak. Suck it up, Shannon!

editor’s note: Sarcasm, people. The tone of the article was snarky and sassy, as if a woman battling breast cancer has no right to get upset about it. Sarcasm, the second best -asm there is.

editor’s note about previous editorial note: I didn’t make that line up. I saw it on a t shirt and it always stuck with me. Heh.

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

Holy shit stop the presses!!! Trump and Clinton AGREE on something!!

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

I’m not surprised. I imagine the thought of a positive influence in the lives of his children terrifies him.

– 2 Chicago Officers Relieved of Powers Since Death of Suspect

“Relieved of powers?” What an odd way of putting it. It’s almost as if the media has grabbed hold of a national narrative that seems to sell papers and decided to disproportionately fuel an issue that’s actually not nearly as bad as they have made it out to be or something. Weird.

editor’s note: Shit, really? Okay, guess I have to say it. I’m not anti cop. In fact, I’m VERY anti BAD cop. But, I’m also pro facts, and the fact is, FEWER people are killed by cops now than they were in the past. You want to cringe? Look at the stats from the 1970s. Is it an issue? Yep. Is it as dire as it seems? Nope. Is the media running with it because it’s so much easier to point to an authority figure instead of the thousands of citizen on citizen murders that are the real problem? Oh, no. No WAY they’d POSSIBLY do that.

– Latest Pokemon Go Worries: Sex Offenders

I can’t say I’m surprised. Look at Mewtwo. That ass is thick as fuu….

– 4 Simple Tricks To Beat The Heat…And If They Actually Work

What the hell kind of article is this? What even IS this bullshit? Have we really gotten so lazy as a society that we allow this type of “journalism” on a mainstream news site? I mean, this list could literally contain anything. “Stand in front of an open oven! It won’t work, but it’s something you could try.” My head hurts.

– This Test Will Make You Rethink Ice Cream

Do you like ice cream? If you answered “no”, then you probably should stop eating it. Thanks, Buzzfeed!

– Trump: I Wanted to ‘Hit’ Dems’ Convention Speakers

WHY IS ANYONE VOTING FOR THIS KINDERGARTENER!!!???

– Muslim Blasts Extremists At Friday Prayer With Christians

…perhaps not the best use of words, there.

– Russia Accuses Google Maps of ‘Topographical Cretinism’

BAHAHAHAHA!!! “Topographical Cretinism??” Oh, Russia. You so zany.

– Brussels Can Still Sweat the Small Stuff

You may be worry at your leisure, peons. So said Bloomberg, so shall it be done.

– North Korea Says Decision on Nuclear Tests Depends on US

Awww! The world’s second most annoying toddler wants some attention. It’s okay, Unie. We still know you’re a bad ass. Yes, who’s a wittle bad ass? You are. YOU are! Now go eat a cookie and let the grown ups talk.

– Report: Cops Mistake Krispy Kreme Glaze for Meth

So many questions, so little desire to actually have them answered. I’d much prefer to go with the scene in my head of a guy hoarding a baggie of glaze crumbles while Barney Fife freaks the hell out.

– Clinton Wooing Blue Collar Workers With Bus Tour

Then let the “blue collars” actually on to the bus to see your “humble” ride. The gauntlet has officially been thrown down, Hillary.

– Officials Encourage Travelers Not to Shun Florida for Zika

I’m with the officials here. If you’ve ever read the news, there are far more valid reasons to shun Florida than the off chance of getting a virus. Come on, people. Let’s keep it real.

– Don’t Play Pokemon Go on the Railroad Tracks, Bulgaria Says

Holy shit I never would have thought of this strategy. Thanks for the pro tip, Bulgaria.

– Pence Slams Obama: Politics Is No Place For ‘Name Calling’

Is this guy for real? I mean, is this guy literally a real human being? That’s an honest question. I NEED to know. He’s an android, right? Because there is no way in HELL a real person could possibly have the chutzpah to try and say this when Donald Trump’s name is on the same ticket.

– Her Shot: Clinton Share Vision of America Straight Out of ‘Hamilton’

I thought panders were rare? Didn’t I read somewhere that panders were getting scares in the wild? Maybe China could have some of ours. Seems we’ve got plenty to spare.

– Mass. Motorist Drives Up Utility Pole After Following GPS in Vermont

Cliches become cliches because they’re true…

*fistbump to New Englanders who understand*

– 4 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About GPS

1. GPS directions are difficult for Massachusetts drivers to understand…

– Facebook Agrees to Refunds for In-app Purchases By Minors

How magnanimous of them to follow the law. Gee, that Zuck is a real stand up guy.

– You Can Buy A Sentry Robot for Your Home

I. Need. This.

– Elon Musk Says You’ll Be Able to Decide Who Can Use Your Self-driving Car

Sooo….like a regular car, then?

– ‘Rain Bomb?’ Seriously? This is the Kind of Thing That Gives Weather Reporting a Bad Rap

Show of hands: Who would read an article about a “rain bomb”? Everyone’s hand is raised, Washington Post. Jealous much?

– Sony Releases Playstation VR Space Requirements: Is Your Room Big Enough?

*sniff* No. *sniff sniff* No it is not. *lone tear*

– Pokemon Go Can Help Address Psychological Disorders

Wait, what? No! That’s not actually what the research shows. In fact, it’s not even “research” so much as one doctor’s opinion! The game could possibly help in cases of mild depression or anxiety because it takes one’s mind off their problem…TEMPORARILY. Gawd I hate irresponsible headlines like this! Don’t stop taking your meds no matter WHAT Pikachu tells you!

– Yorkshire Wants its Own Emoji to Celebrate the County

Okay. Like, no one’s stopping you. Why do you feel the need to appeal to the masses for support through the media? Just…make one. Do you not know how this works, Yorkshire?

– Larry the Lobster, 110, Spared From the Pot, Died on the Way to Retirement

Candlelight vigil for Larry! Don’t mind me if I just put a pot of boiling water over my candle. Could I see Larry for a sec?

…too soon?

– Barack Obama: I Don’t Eat Exactly Seven Almonds Every Night

Someday when your grand kids ask where you were and what you were doing when you heard that President Barack Obama sometimes ate 9 whole almonds in ONE sitting, you can tell them about this moment we shared. I proud to be part of this with you, my friend. We’ll get through it together and come out as a stronger nation.

– ‘Donkey Whisperer’ Translates ‘Eee-aws’ Using Technology

I mean, I guess? Who’s going to refute it?

– Father Lets 8-year-old Twin Daughters Feed Pet Gator Pizza, Cookies

Do you see what I mean about Florida? #don’tsweatthevirus

– The Pokemon Go Baby Name Boom Has Arrived

I will punch you in the face if you name your kid Charmanda.

And finally, the headline of the day:

– Trammin’ In the Name of the Lord: Pope Takes A Ride

Trammin’.

In the name of the lord.

*sniff* Beautiful.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, July 30, 2016. The sun is up now and it’s still looking fairly miserable out there. Maybe it’ll clear off? Hopefully?? Or maybe it’ll just be another moist…

*DOOR SLAM*

…fair enough.

…ok, that was a very pretty sunrise. But still.

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Mornin’ all.

I wanted to sleep in a bit today. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste the cotton candy atmosphere of Dreamland. Apparently my eyes didn’t get the memo because they popped open and insisted on staying that way. Instead of having tea on a paddle boat filled with circus side show stars (legit recurring dream of mine…and yes, it IS as epic as it sounds. We all have top hats.) I’m wide awake on dry land with zero side show friends, drinking what may just go down as the Worst Pot of Coffee of 2016 at 4:30 a.m.

Eyeballs… WTF? Why you gotta ruin shit all the time?

I guess it’s not their fault. The brain controls them, after all, and right now my brain is a’whirlin’ and a’zippin’ and a’poppin’ over shit I can’t change. Don’t you just hate that? Isn’t that the worst?

I think the next step in human evolution should be an instinctual awareness that there are things outside the scope of our own control that the brain will automatically classify as “not worth dwelling on”.

You know, I think I might be onto something here. Hey, scientist friends…how do I get the ball rolling on this “evolution” thing? Do I need to start an online petition or something? I need a grant, don’t I? Some kind of funding. I bet I need a research team.

Ugh. This seems like it might be more complicated than I thought. Damn you Pokemon for making evolution look so easy.

(…and while we’re on the subject, let me add a spare 2 cents I’ve got lying around: For the record, I’m all for Pokemon Go, though I don’t play myself and never will. I’m a gamer, sure, but I’ve never been able to get into Pokemon. However, any game that gets people up and out and makes them WANT to move and interact with other humans is BRILLIANT. Yeah, idiots are still being idiots. Yeah, some people are taking advantage of those idiots. And the dudes who fell down the bluff and got hurt probably really need to reassess their priorities in life. But the game is hands down the most revolutionary thing that’s come to the gaming world in a long, long time. Kudos to the brilliant bastards at Nintendo. I tip the top hat I wish I had in real life.)

Boy, is the news messed up these days or what? Every day I open my browser and it just seems so doomy and gloomy. I wanted to do some headlines. Folks, there aren’t enough funny ones to even attempt a Roundup. It’s all dead kids and murdered cops and suicide bombs and wild fires and droughts and locusts and mega volcanoes and asteroid crashes that wiped out half of humanity…

…well, maybe not the last couple. You get what I’m saying, though. It’s getting overwhelming, isn’t it?

And then we’ve got November looming. Say it with me: UGH.

Did you hear that Melania Trump just straight up plagiarized Michelle Obama?

Okay, okay. To be fair, I should say Melania Trump’s speech writers plagiarized Michelle Obama’s speech writers.

“Uh, Bethie? Maybe we shouldn’t go after Melania. She’s just the wife.”

Welp, the thing is, I’ve spent the last 7 years listening to racist bullshit about Michelle Obama. Hillary was front and center in the press for all of Bill’s drama. Bill is now fair game. Shit, remember how the press (and, admittedly, myself) used to wonder if the hamster just stopped running on the wheel behind Laura Bush’s dead, vapid eyes? Spouses have always been fair game when they’re put on display by the candidates.

Besides, this isn’t really about Melania. The story is really about another stupid campaign slip up from the sock puppet we call a Republican candidate. Melania didn’t write the speech. She just read what Dumbo’s staff gave her to read. If you haven’t heard the speech she gave to the RNC, take a listen. Then listen to a speech Michelle Obama gave to the DNC in 2008. It’s so close that if I were the speech writer, I’d sue.

…er, I’d sue in my mind, anyway. In real life, I highly doubt I’d want anyone to know that I wrote speeches for any political figure. Lawsuits are public record. Couldn’t risk the shame being a political speech writer would bring to my family. I’d go onto the internet and bitch about it anonymously like a mofo, though.

What a mess, folks. We’ve got Chump vs. Godzillary. I’m not happy with either candidate. They’re both slick as shit. Neither is going to be able to keep a single campaign promise because they are both spending their time alienating the people they’re going to have to work with for the next four years just to scramble for one more vote. Both have terrible histories when it comes to critical decision making. And neither one of them can seem to get their head out of their own ass long enough to do anyone a damn bit of good.

It’s bleak, my friends.

So we look to the rest of the world. We take ourselves out of our own backyard and search for a bit of positivity elsewhere. And promptly end up back where we started. It’s no better anywhere else right now. Riots and killings and coups and propaganda and… *sigh*

I know we need to be global and look at the big picture and it’s our responsibility to know what’s going on yada yada. But, sometimes wouldn’t it be great not to? Maybe from time to time what we really need to ask ourselves as a society is this: Would ANY of this matter if you were standing on Europa?

I mean it. Imagine you’re standing on the frosty tundras of Europa. You spent over five years traveling 390 million miles, eating protein concentrate and cleaning the air filters constantly and checking and rechecking and triple checking every damn system log five billion times a fricken day until you just about go mad…before finally, FINALLY descend the ladder to feel the crunch of Europa’s snow reverberate through the sole of your boot and travel up your body in the delicious thrill of discovery.

Does any of the human drama matter to you right then?

Not one goddamn bit.

We’re a blip. A dot. A tiny little speck. There isn’t one single thing humans can do right now that would have an impact on even our own solar system, never mind the galaxy or the universe. If we blew our planet to smithereens, Andromedans would not even know. It would not impact their lives in any way.

Maybe that shouldn’t be comforting, but somehow it is. No matter how terrible humanity gets, we’re the only ones that are going to suffer because of it. So far we haven’t managed to infect the Universe at large.

I like that.

…and, I don’t. All of humanity’s problems right now are caused by humans. We are doing it to ourselves. There isn’t a cosmic plot afoot, no nefarious plan to destroy or disrupt or disband the human race. This isn’t happening TO us, it’s happening BECAUSE of us. And it’s getting worse because we love the gossip. We love the drama. We love to eat up the media that adds fuel to the fire. We WANT to be charged up and angry. We are twitchy to grab up a pitchfork and torch and storm the castle. We’re behaving very badly right now because, at heart, the human race is bored and itchy.

And isn’t that a wicked pisser?

I don’t want to leave you with the tang of doom and gloom clinging to your taste buds. My god, it’s bad enough that you had to smell the fumes off this witch’s brew I call coffee! Let’s get a bit of hopeful perspective instead.

In the time it took me to bitch and moan about the state of the world, nearly 1,000 babies were born across the planet. That’s 1,000 new lives. 1,000 new chances. 1,000 fresh hopes. They don’t want to fight. They don’t hate anything. They just want to live and be loved, and love in return. They haven’t yet been ruined by bitter people who are desperate to blame someone else for their position in life. They don’t know or care about ISIS or presidential candidates or border wars or drug smuggling or racism or murderers…

Every day, humanity has thousands of fresh starts. Can any other known planet say the same?

Maybe it’ll take one of us standing on the bleak and barren ice fields of Europa, seeing the vastness of nothing that is the rest of our solar system to understand what that really means.

We’re just a speck, that’s true. But, we’re a rare and exceptional speck. And I think that’s pretty damn cool.

Thus concludes a Musing for Tuesday, July 19, 2016. Work today, where I get to make peoples’ dream cakes a reality. …actually, I think I’m just making Boston Cream Pies today, but those are good, too.