Not all heroes wear capes.

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Mornin’ all.

You’re looking at a person who deserves a medal.

Yesterday at work, a man came sauntering up to my counter. “You the cake designer?” he asked, by way of salutation.

“Sure am, how may I help you?” I asked, shoving aside the trash can that’s always in my way and grabbing my order pad.

He was carrying a piece of paper with him which he proceeded to unfold with unnecessary levels of sass. The paper snapped he unfolded it so hard, and I knew right there this was not going to be a customer interaction I would enjoy. He had an annoyed expression, too, as if I’d already sullied his shopping experience somehow by asking how I could help. He opened the paper, then tossed it on the counter, and said, “Make me that.” He crossed his arms. He stared a ridiculously defiant stare.

I had a pen in my hand. It’s a nice pen. Looks very professional unless you read the words on it. “Camp Dipstick.” That’s what the pen says and I love it. It’s my favorite pen. It’s got real heft to it, too. It’s metal, with a silicone coating that gives excellent grip. Heavy, metal, sharp, easy to wield…

I gripped that pen. My hand twitched. Time slowed. My hand began to move forward, seemingly of its own will, as condescension radiated from the man’s expression like a physical force. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t help it. That smirk. THAT SMIRK. I HATE condescension. I can’t stand it. Be rude to me, that’s fine. Be an asshole if you want. But come at me with a dismissive tone dripping with judgment? Nothing gets me angrier faster. My hand lifted and moved and before I knew it I was…

Writing out his order.

I asked for his name and phone number, the standard opener for taking an order. He flipped the paper over and thumped the back where he had the information written down. I was supposed to know he already did that. My b.

A couple of times I got, “Yeah, suuurrrre,” as response to my questions, questions that clearly inspire sarcastic retorts like, “Would you like buttercream icing?” and “Would you like a filling between the layers?” I suppose if I’m going to ask questions like that, I kind of deserve ridicule. I mean, who do I think I am, right?

After the brief mostly grunty exchange, I went to read back the order to make sure we were on the same page. This is standard. They order, you confirm the order. I wasn’t doing it to hold him up or ruin his life, but I guess I just didn’t stop and think about my actions, did I? Don’t worry, he let me know I crossed a line. He rolled his eyes and sighed as if he was Atlas himself. “Just make it,” he snapped before storming away.

Folks, while there were many things I could have said or done, I took the order. I smiled. I wished his back a nice day as he too-cool-for-school strolled out the door. I put my nice, heavy, sharp pen away and filed the paperwork in the appropriate slot for long term orders. And next week, I’ll make his froofy unicorn cake the best goddamn froofy unicorn cake he’s ever seen.

Maybe I don’t deserve a medal. That seems a bit small for such an amazing feat of self-restraint and personal fortitude.

What, exactly, do keys to the city unlock?

Thus concludes a Musing for Thursday, June 7, 2018. I think it goes without saying that this is entirely sarcastic and I would never, ever harm a customer. It should, anyway. But, this IS the internet, soooo…..

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I’ll take a mentally challenged duck over that old confused rooster any day of the week…

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Mornin’ all.

Yesterday when I got home from work, the weather was perfect. It was about 70 degrees, sunny but not aggressively so as the high, fluffy clouds casually meandered across the sky. Birds were chirping, the kids at the daycare next door were laughing as they played outside, the very confused duck who’s been living in what is essentially a puddle in the back yard was yammering in response to the distant sound of a chainsaw.

As the afternoon rolled along and people started arriving home from work, the distinct sound of lawnmowers echoed through the valley.

Those who don’t live in a climate that gets a deep winter might not understand the psychological yuckiness (official term) of being surrounded by dead things for months on end. Everything is brown or gray. The naked trees, the half melted snow banks, the hills…even the evergreens lose their luster and take on a dark, brownish existence.

We had a long and particularly assholish winter this year. The past few weeks were spent searching the crusty piles of dead leaves for tips of green poking through. It wasn’t really until last week that spring began to arrive with gusto. While the trees are still pretty stark, with only a few species popping their buds enough to provide shade, the lawns are really beginning to change the cold, unwelcoming earthen blanket from drab to fab.

We survived the winter, and now we’re rewarded with a green lawn.

Better hurry up and cut that shit down!

We humans are very silly. I LONGED to look out my window and see verdant signs of life, and now that I have the view I craved, I’m thinking about what I need to do for spring time mower maintenance before I can hack it to smithereens.

If there is a Mother Nature, she’s probably very confused. “Hold on a sec. You people asked for grass. You begged me to end the long winter. BEGGED!! And now that I gave you everything you wanted, you’re cutting it down?”

Well, yes. I mean, look at it. It’s…long. And just…so…grassy. Besides, it’s full of dandelions.

“You don’t like the flowers? I grew them just for you. I think they add a little pop of color.”

Dandelions aren’t flowers. They’re weeds. Ew.

“And what the HELL are those big scissors for?”

You can’t expect me to leave the bushes as you grew them. Honestly, what would the neighbors think?

“I worked all winter long to come up with the perfect décor. You think this is easy? You think all I do is wave a magic wand and *poof* it’s spring? It takes time, planning, dedication…are you even listening?”

Hm? What? Sorry, didn’t hear you. I was looking up the cost of spark plugs for mowers. Think I could get away with just cleaning the old ones?

“You know what? You people deserve a long, cold winter!”

…soooo…is that a no on the cleaning?

Hey! Where are you going? Mother Nature? *door slam*

Sheesh. Some people are so touchy.

Thus concludes a quick Musing for Tuesday, May 8, 2018. I am off to not mow my lawn. I have other priorities today. I’ve got company coming in a week and a half and nowhere for them to sit. I’m going to get a shovel and a box of trash bags and start in on the dining room. Yep. I’m tackling the hoard. If you don’t hear from me, that means I lost. Tell my family I love them.

What an odd twist to an ordinary day…

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Mornin’ all.

Are you guys ready for a bit of intrigue?

Yesterday started as an ordinary day. I did my shift, made some sick ass Valentine’s Day cakes, contributed to the fond memories of three birthday parties in the greater metropolis area. You know. As ya do. Grabbed some groceries at the end of the work day, called salutations to a coworker who was sitting on a bench, then I made my way down to my car. As I approached, I noticed a bright Red Envelope tucked under my windshield wiper.

So it began.

At first, I wondered if my man placed it there, but almost immediately dismissed the idea. Not his style, folks. His MO of romantic surprise is to hand me a new power tool when I walk through the door, saying, “I got you something but I promise it was on sale!”

True story.

I put the groceries in the car and fired the beastie up. It’s winter still, and a 35 year old diesel can’t be expected to shift into high gear without a bit of a warm up. Hey, who can, amiright? I topped off the blue squirty juice in the windshield wiper fluid reservoir, all the while side eyeing the Red Envelope.

It has a heart on the front. Written in Sharpie, it’s not your standard heart. It’s got a straight line on the left, then the round heartiness of it at the top is sort of off centered, as if someone turned the letter “B” into a heart.

Slamming the hood with all the gusto a 35 year old hood latch requires, I grabbed the Red Envelope, got into the car, and then began an evening of intrigued wonder.

Inside there was a card. No cheap thing, either. A genuine Hallmark, with glitter flowers and cursive and hearts. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” it says on the front. I opened it up and a gift card and coupon booklet fell out. $25 to Chili’s and a coupon book from Friendly’s.

The mystery deepened. Actual money was invested.

“Who’s it from, Bethie?” you ask as you lean forward in your seat and munch your popcorn.

I don’t know. That’s why it’s a mystery. Aside from the “Hope good things bloom for you all day long,” stamped message from Hallmark, there’s a handwritten note.

“I hope you have a great day and enjoy a meal on me. -Cupid”

But wait, there’s more!

“P.S.- No strings just my good deed for the day.” With a smiley face.

Who is this Cupid?

Is it someone at work? I don’t recognize the handwriting, but I have not seen the handwriting of the majority of my coworkers. Is it a rando, someone spending their day imparting unexpected sunshine with an altruistic version of “Eenie Meenie Minie Mo?”

I have been driving myself nuts all night wondering. Analyzing. Guessing. Obsessing.

Someone put actual money into it. Whether a rando or a coworker, someone spent their own cash to brighten my day.

…or make me crazy.

Either way, well played, Cupid. I thank you, whoever you are.

I will say this…it took the edge off the winter blues for a bit. I’ve been going stir crazy the last week or so. I have a plasma cutter. A MUTHAFLIPPIN’ PLASMA CUTTER just sitting new in its box, waiting to be taken out to the back deck and used as a tool of simultaneous destruction and creation. And yet, the back deck is rudely covered in ice.

Fun fact: You can’t use a plasma cutter when you’re standing in or on water. It’s generally viewed as a very bad plan.

*sigh*

There’s a bottling up that happens when I don’t get to make things. It’s like when you try to stifle a yawn. There’s a tingle of frustration, a physical feeling that something is trying to push its way out, a building explosion that makes my hands long for the grip of a screwdriver and the vibration of a side grinder.

Are you a creative type? Do you understand what I’m talking about?

Maybe non-creative types get the same twitch when they don’t get to balance a checkbook or make a spread sheet for a few months. Maybe their hands itch for the sleek smoothness of a TI-84, and the smell of pencil shavings and graph paper in the morning air.

I gotta make something, folks. The cake decorating really helps, especially in the winter, but it’s just not the same as fusing hot metal together in the sunshine. I want to MAKE something. Really make something, with hands and sweat and swearing and grease and flux and sparks…and satisfaction.

Damn winter. Pfft.

I need another pick me up. How about I do something I’ve been saying I’d do, hm? Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Cue the dancers, fire up the band, because it’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

I’ve been gathering these headlines for about a month now. Some are good, some are pretty shit. But you know what? I hit “save” after I added them to the list for a reason, and I’m running with it.

You all know how this works. I snag a headline that grabs my attention, then present them to you with my deep and thoughtful insight.

…or sarcasm. Sometimes might be just a bit of sarcasm.

As always, I give you the headlines as written, in all their, um…shining glory? Yeah, we’ll go with shining glory. That card has made me feel a bit generous myself today. Ready? Then let’s do this.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

THEY HAVE FLYING TRUCKS IN BOSTON!??! Way to bury the lead, IBT.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

I don’t know what anyone was expecting. If they can’t drive properly on the ground, what makes you think a Masshole can do better in air? *ducks wicked fast tomato thrown from across the border* *fistbump my NH natives*

– Missle-alert Error Reveals Uncertainty About How To React

Wait. You mean that in a terrifying emergency with absolutely zero follow up instruction, people weren’t sure what to do? Huh. Odd.

– Hawaii Worker Who Pushed Button Reassigned After Bungled Emergency Alert

Yeaaahhh. Imma say that’s fair.

– Relatives of Martin Luther King, Jr. Critique President Trump

*crash* *scramble* *shuffle* Sorry. I wasn’t prepared for that gobsmacking breaking news feed and fell clean outta my chair. Just stunned here, folks. Give me a second to mop up the spilled coffee and come to terms with this new reality we find ourselves experiencing.

*deep, calming breath*

Okay. It’s real. It happened. We can’t take it back, just have to move forward. We can continue.

– Lawsuit: Surgeon at VA Hospital Left Scalpel in Patient for 4 Years

Did he? Or did the patient abscond with then conceal government property for four years in what he considered to be the perfect crime? Discuss.

– Statue Honoring National Anthem Found Sprayed With Red Paint

…we have a statute…honoring…a fucking song? #’Merica

– New Mexico Gun Shop’s MLK Day Ad Stirs Controversy

Top tip: If you own a gun shop, there are a few national holidays and days of observation that you probably don’t want to “celebrate” with a sale. MLK Day, Lincoln’s birthday, 9/11… Just calm yer tits and let the day pass. #HowToSucceedInBusiness

– Trump Comments, Infuriating Africans, May Set Back US Interests

As the kiddies say, Africa…I know the feels.

– Japanese City On Alert for Deadly Blowfish

*** BLOWFISH THREAT INBOUND TO JAPAN. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ***

– Crisis Continues for Rohingya Muslims Languishing At Refugee Camps

Okay, I’m torn here. On the one hand, the situation with the Rohingya is not at all something to take lightly. If you are uninformed, Google, then get outraged. However, I feel like I have to take a second to applaud the old school wording of this headline. When was the last time you read “languishing” outside of a romance novel? Good form, CBS.

– Palestinian Leaders Urge Abbas to Withdraw Recognition of Israel

Uh, guys? Pretending Israel isn’t a thing won’t really get you anywhere…

– North Korea Scoffs at Trump’s “Nuclear Button”

Guaranteed this headline sparked a next level Rule 34. Google at your own risk. Remember, kids…what has been seen cannot be unseen.

– Hero Dog That Served in WWII Gets Posthumous Medal

Why. No, I really mean it. WHY? Who is this medal for, exactly? What purpose does this expenditure serve? Will it inspire puppies around the nation to sign up for service?

“Bethie, it’ll tell people in the future that we cared about the animals that served.”

We care about the animals we force to participate in wars they didn’t start, have zero control over, and will not benefit from the outcome in any way? Really?

“…*crickets*…”

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

– NH Mom Delivers Her Own Baby in Target Parking Lot

603 HARDCORE. #NHTough

– Syrian Boy Was Seen Gazing Into A Gym, Now He’s A Lifetime Member

This was in the “Good News” section. I guess it’s good news? I mean, it *is* uplifting.

No. I will not apologize for puns. It’s 2018. Welcome to the new world order.

– Man Resolves to Play Catch With Someone New Every Day in 2018

Um. You doin’ okay over there, Good News? Because you seem to really be stretching for these articles…

– 2017 Was A Record Year For Organ Donations

…yes, but let’s consider the flip side of this headline for a sec.

– Single Dad Who Looked For Kidney At Disney World Finds Match

I’m done. I’m done with Good News. They done lost their friggin’ minds.

– DIY Network Apologizes for Series After Star’s On-Air Anti-Semetic Slur

They filmed her asking if someone was going to “bicker” with her a bit and “Jew” her down. First, it’s dicker, you dumbass. Dicker, not bicker. Second, how sincere could this apology possibly be when the show filmed it, edited it, and approved it for air? They’re not sorry. They’re just sorry people were pissed. I know in this crazy world of social media, facts get jumbled. But, being sorry for the action and being sorry about the reaction are two totally different things.

– Crowd Mocks Grunting Tennis Player at Australian Open

*snort* I mean, boo. Not nice. Don’t do that ‘n shit. *snicker*

– Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Won’t Be Inviting This Person to Wedding

Me. It’s me. I won’t be invited. *sniff* It’s fine, really. I’ll probably be invited to something even better that night anyway.

– Proposal Would Widen Permissible Use of Nuclear Arms

WHOA now WHAT? Can I get a “HELL NO?”

– Americans Should Be “Sober” About Chance of Conflict With N. Korea: Tillerson

Hang on now. You’re talking about “widening permissible use of nuclear arms.” Our overall state of mind created utter panic when an accidental warning message was broadcast. People are literally begging the Poopypants In Chief to sit down, shut up, and let the grown ups run the country again because he won’t stop taunting a psycho. If we were any more sober, we’d be a walking Folger’s ad!

– Dems Flip Wisconsin State Senate Seat

You know what? With the state of politics right now, I can’t really pick on them for trying a bit of feng shui. Top tip: move the Rep. seats into the hallway for even better zen.

– The Latest: Ice Keeps Some Texas Schools Closed

You know the pisser about this headline? I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual weather or immigration enforcement squads. It’s Texas. Which is more likely?

– Japan Government Tells Broadcaster Not To Repeat False Missile Alert

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BLOWFISH??!! Are they covering that up, too?!?

– Man Tries To Board Flight Wearing Everything He Packed, Gets The Boot

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have worn the fleshlight as a necklace. Think it pushed things over the edge.

– Camel Beauty Pageant Kicks Out 12 Animals for Botox

If you ever feel like your life isn’t going so hot, just remember that somewhere in the world, 12 camel owners wanted their camels to win a fucking beauty pageant so badly that they injected beasts of burden with botox. Puts forgetting to buy milk after work into perspective, eh?

– How A Dunkin’ Donuts Bag of Cash Led to Mayor’s Downfall

A bag of cash?? I’ve never once gotten anything but heartburn from DD! (I’d just like to point out that I avoided an “America runs on Dunkin’” politics pun. It might be 2018’s new world order, but I do still have a heart. You’re welcome.)

– Allen’s Next Movie May Never See the Light of Day

GOOD. Here’s a dude who MARRIED HIS OWN DAUGHTER. Is it really a stretch to think he may have done something with his other daughter? REALLY??

– Can’t Stand the Sound of Someone Chewing? Here’s Why.
Because it’s gross to hear the slurping and snarfling of you inhaling potato salad, Tina. Shit. Chew with your mouth shut already. #FuckingTina

– Newborn Baby Bear Cubs Found In Dumpster

I don’t know why you conservatives are surprised. That’s what’s going to happen when you cut funding for contraceptives while simultaneously promoting an abstinence only policy in schools. What do you expect these young mothers to do? #PillForBears

– Wade Admits Lebron Caught Him Watching Heat

I don’t blame him for being embarrassed. That movie sucked.

– Trump Accuses Democrats of Playing Politics With Memo

…but…I mean…that’s their job. Politics. That’s why they’re called politicians. IT’S RIGHT IN THEIR TITLE. My god he’s so damn stupid.

– Never Make These Mistakes When Frying An Egg

You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. #MyBreakfastMyLife

– High School Science Fair Project Questioning the IQ of African Americans Sparks Outrage

Honestly, exactly what the headline said. A kid did an entire science project based on his assertion that Africans, African Americans, Southeast Asians, and South Americans have a lower IQ, which is why they are not well represented in elite academic programs around the US. I just have to bring something up that wasn’t addressed in the articles I read covering the story. I did my fair share of science projects. Normally, the idea is passed by a teacher, and the project has teacher oversight through the course of preparation. Are they really expecting us to believe that no one on a supervisory level had any idea this kid was going to publicly present this project? Seriously? My eyebrow will remain dubiously quirked until the blame is shared by ALL involved.

– Olympics Unite Koreas for First Time In 65 Years, But Will It Spark Real Change?

Hm, good question…

– Seoul Protesters Burn North Korea Flag Before Concert

…aaand we can put that question to rest.

– Man Brings Wife’s Ashes to Eagles Parade: “She Was A Diehard Fan”

Oh boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. You know what? This will be our DIY headline. Insert your own joke.

– Oklahoma Woman Gets Reduced Sentence After Getting Sterilized, Per Judge’s Request

No. No no no no no. NO. This on infuriates me. It’s wrong on every single level. A judge has no right to dangle a lighter sentence over someone’s head if they get sterilized. It’s barbaric. It goes against everything we should be standing for as a nation: freedom and justice. This one move eradicates both. He used his power of authority to pressure someone in a tenuous position into following his personal beliefs. At the same time, this woman didn’t end up paying for the crimes she committed. There is no freedom in this act. There is no justice. This better not become the norm. I don’t want to live in North Korea.

– Trump Still Pushing For Tank Parade In Spite of Lack of Support

What part of “I don’t want to live in North Korea” are these asshats not understanding?!

– Hammer-wielding Man Attempts To Rob Intrepid Museum Gift Shop

The thought process that must have transpired before this crime is staggeringly entertaining to imagine.

– “Moody” Female Show Dogs Don’t Get Same Opportunities As Males

Did…did they just…but…they’re…DOGS…

I’m trying, but it’s physically impossible to sigh hard enough to express the proper level of exasperation. It’s making me light headed.

– OxyContin Maker Will Stop Promoting Opiods To Doctors

So now I’m not only lightheaded from the exasperated sighing, but I’ve developed a spasm from rolling my eyes too hard. I can’t quit on this note. I came here to find distracting chuckles, not knuckleheads furthering the annoyance. Come on, news. You gotta give me SOMETHING…

– Charities Warned After Oxfam Haiti Prostitute Charges

I can think of a missionary position joke…but should I? I need something better…

– Scientists Put 3D Glasses on Praying Mantises

Admittedly amusing, but not meaty enough…

– How Speed Skaters Go So Dang Fast

Gee willikers it’s getting better in a hip hurry…

– Observatory Spots Elon Musk’s Roadster Zooming Through Space

And here it is! We have a winner!

A guy put a test dummy in a muthaflippin’ convertible so it could blissfully zoom through space. One day, an alien may just find that car with that dummy. Can you imagine the absolute confusion if THAT is our first contact???

I found my happy thought for the day.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Sunday, February 11, 2018. Seriously, if anyone reading this knows who Cupid is, lemme know. I keep eyeballing the Red Envelope and wondering….

Does the thought still count if the gift is a can of baked beans?

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Mornin’ all.

It’s Christmas!

I love Christmas. Beautiful lights shining in defiance of the bleak winterscape outside. Glitter-crusted “Noel” banners turning walls into homages of tackiness in the best possible way. Candy snitched from the dessert buffet eaten in secret under the table with childhood cohorts while tipsy Gram makes a silly bet with even tipsier Grampa beneath the mistletoe. Bemused confusion around the tree when the designated Santa can’t seem to read Mrs. Claus’s handwriting while attempting to pass out gifts. Crumpled paper bombs aimed just right to bounce off an uncle’s bald spot. Shiny bow broaches to match curled ribbon wigs. The thrill and relief of seeing Dad light up with genuine happiness when he holds up what turned out to be the right gift choice. The gentle pat on the head a tired Mum with a filled heart gives her young daughter as she walks past on the way to help the aunts put back to rights the chaos of a successful holiday party. The feeling of love and joy and comfort and content when the day is done.

I *LOVE* Christmas.

This year, our celebration is going to be small. And delayed. Mother Nature decided that for Christmas this year, she would decorate with ice and snow. We just had an ice storm that turned our trees into those blown glass figurines that were so popular in the 80s. ‘Member those? Every upscale (or wannabe upscale) gift shop simply HAD to have a display of little blown glass trees, baskets, kitties with balls of yarn, and dolphins.

So. Many. Dolphins.

Anyway, she waved her magic wand and turned the world into kitschy blown glass. It was extremely beautiful, and utterly terrifying. There was nothing warm or welcoming about the trip into work yesterday. Apparently, my town forgot about the existence of road salt.

I made it to work, and it warmed up nicely during the day. It got warm enough to not only clear the roads, but dry them as well…which must have royally pissed off Mother Nature, because right now, we’re getting 5-8 inches of snow. The teens are all with their other families. The plan was for them to spend the Eve with the others, then come home for a prime rib dinner.

Yep, you heard me right. We are a roast-beef-for-Christmas family. No, I do not want to hear your debate on why smoked pig ass is the “proper” Christmas meal. And don’t even THINK of coming at me with the turkey bullshit. That was last month. Change the calendar page and get with the program.

…er…sorry. Let me pull back the curtain and give you an insider peek into another world: In the grocery biz, the discussion of Christmas meal meat is a topic best left unspoken. You’ll lose friends. You’ll be a pariah in the break room. There is literally no winning. If you like turkey, someone else will stand there at your counter and argue the historical importance of goose. If you like ham, someone will tout the merits of lamb. If you choose rib roast, you totally failed to understand the majesty of a crowned pork roast. Seriously, you can’t win.

Since I’m not at work, I don’t risk offending people on my team. I can say it here as loud as I want. I’m a proud roast-beefer. And this year, our store had prime rib on sale for $4.99/lb. That’s honestly half price. How could I pass that up?

Forget sugar plums. I had visions of rib roast. I planned on stuffing it full of slivered garlic and coating the outside with a thrilling blend of herbs and spices the night before, letting the succulent treat absorb and adopt an explosion of flavor into the velvetty, buttery, juicy meat. *heavy sigh*

And now, I must wait. Until when, we don’t know. If Mother Nature would kindly remove the iced stick from her ass, it might be tomorrow.

We’re here with the Littlest Pup. We’ll let him open his gifts from us today. I honestly don’t think I could stand it if he had to wait. I think I might just be more excited to give it to him than he is to get it. He’ll get his stocking. No, he doesn’t still believe in Santa. But *I* still believe in being “Santa”.

In our house, Santa just brings candy and silly dollar store items. My ex’s family liked to make all the big presents under the tree be from Santa, a tradition I could never get behind. Was Santa the one out there busting his hump to scrape up enough money to buy my kid the one thing he really, really wanted? No? Then why should he get the credit?

“Bethie, when the kids are older, it’ll dawn on them that it was you getting them the presents the entire time.”

And when they’re little, do you want your kids to think Mummy and Daddy only care enough to get them socks and underwear and superficial crap they didn’t even want? Bah. Get out of here with that bullshit. Santa’s cool and all, but right from the get, I wanted my kids to know that Mummy and Daddy understood them, knew them, listened when they said what they liked or hated. It’s more than just a present. It’s telling a child right from the very beginning that Mum gets him. Mum pays attention. It establishes an unspoken trust. Instead of “Santa’s watching”, I wanted my kids to know, “Mum’s listening.”

“I really think you’re reading too much into this.”

Maybe. Maybe not. There was just a very interesting article about the psychology of gift giving and the holidays that…

…you know what? It’s Christmas. I’m not going down the heavy route. I’m just going to say that I never, ever wanted an imaginary figure who was only “involved” in my kids’ lives for one day a year to be more trusted than I am. And I don’t care if that sounds selfish.

ANYWAY, I went a bit overboard with the stockings this year. I had too many dollars in my pocket when I walked into the store. Light up footballs, razors for the hairy teens, foam ball pop guns, retro board games… The very best thing I found was a set of dice.

Remember Yahtzee? Of course you do. It’s only the greatest dice game ever invented. I have no idea how many hours of my life have been spent rolling for that damn large straight, or how many times my older sister yelled, “YAH-TZEEEEEE” in our youth.

She had an absolutely rage-inducing knack for rolling Yahtzees.

“Wow, Bethie! I can’t believe they had Yahtzee at the dollar store!”

They didn’t. They had something a million times better: “Yacht.”

I shit you not, it’s a can of five dice with “Yacht” written on it. Just…Yacht. There was no way in hell I was walking out of there without one for each of my boys.

I am probably more amused by “Yacht” than I should be. It’s just so ridiculous. Bad knock-offs and weird “wtf?” gifts crack me up so much.

My man was feeling cheeky. He’s been threatening the boys with Barbies and My Little Ponies for years, every time they say “I dunno” when we ask what they want. This year, he went for it. One of the teens is getting not “My Little Pony”, but the dollar store version, “My Fairy Pony”.

I don’t know what it is that amuses me so much about these things. I think it’s the anticipated reactions. I honestly giggle at the thought of the face the recipient will make.

Take this offering from my store, for example. I was looking over the holiday gift basket display yesterday morning, and I was seeing what we had left to decide if I needed to spend my last $20 of holiday money. The baskets were neat, for the most part. There was a baking themed basket, full of baking supplies and a fun array of extracts and measuring spoons. There was a baby basket, with diapers, wipes, travel baby shampoos and such. The dried fruit basket was tempting, because it has some unusual snack mixes and nuts and fun-to-nibble items.

And then I saw it.

Folks, I am not kidding. If I could have thought of someone to give this next basket to, I would have bought it. No joke.

It was called “The Hearty Basket”. It contained an assortment of items that I have to believe someone chose by just randomly walking up and down the aisles and making a game of grabbing the first thing they saw.

The basket contained a box of scalloped potatoes, a box of instant oatmeal, a tub of panko bread crumbs, a large can of baked beans, and a jar of gravy.

Let’s just think about this for a minute. You’re at an office party. It’s a Secret Santa event. You’ve gotten your gift, a coffee mug with a print of Grumpy Cat saying “I hate Mondays” filled with what appears to be two year old Hershey’s Kisses that have clearly been knocked around the bottom of someone’s purse, and you’re waiting for the last schmuck to open their gift so you can get to the boozy portion of the party. A large, brightly wrapped gift basket is brought out and handed over to Marge, and people are oohing and ahhing while she excitedly tears into the cellophane.

“Tell us what’s in there!” come the eager pleas.

“I’m getting to it, hang on,” says Marge, tugging at a particularly troublesome bit of Scotch tape. “Okay, let’s see!” she all but squeals. “Ooh! We’ve got…baked…beans…?”

Maybe I’m low key a bitch, but just the idea of the utter confusion and bewilderment on Marge’s face… it cracks me up to the point where all day long I’d randomly chuckle.

Baked beans. Panko crumbs. Oatmeal. Scalloped potatoes. Canned gravy. I HAVE to believe that whoever put together this basket was picturing Marge as well. There is NO WAY anyone with any kind of sense at all thought these things would make a great gift. And yet, by doing so, they have created for me such a wonderfully amusing mental scene.

I have a kindred spirit somewhere in the store, folks. I must find this person and befriend them.

I hear the creature a’stirring upstairs. Last night I told him he couldn’t come down until 7 am. I was spent after a long week at work and didn’t feel like filling the fancy socks last night. He knew. He’s my kid, after all. He said, “Santa’s just going to get an early start?” I said, “You bet.” It’s 6:36 currently, and I’ve heard him go into the bathroom about half a dozen times. Ten bucks says he’s sitting on his bed right now, boring holes into the illuminated tire clock on his wall.

It’s snowing heavily, now. I highly doubt the elder kids will be able to make it home. The roast can wait another day, and we won’t have to shovel for a few more hours yet. You know what that means.

There’s plenty of time to kick his ass at Yacht.

Thus concludes a Christmas Musing for Christmas 2017. Everyone have a great day, no matter what Mother Nature has in store.

How many times can I say ‘moist’ before you just can’t take it anymore?

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Mornin’ all.

We got some rain last night. I’m hoping that it’ll break this heat wave, but at the moment, it looks like it just made things more moist out there.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but the air is moist. Warm and…moist.

“Ew, Bethie. Stop saying that word.”

Can’t. There isn’t a word more appropriate for the ickiness. Walking outside yesterday was like walking into a limp, warm, moist sponge.

And now, though cooler, it’s so moist out that the light from the street lamp at the end of my drive is struggling to illuminate anything else. There’s a dense, moist miasma hanging around and…

*squeak of chair*

Wait. Where are you going?

“I’m out.”

Okay okay! I’ll stop saying it!

“*quirks the eyebrow of dubiousness*”

I promise. Besides, you don’t want to leave today. I have some delicious cake to share. Look at it. Smell it. Mmmmm. It’s not a bit dry, either. In fact, one might say it’s…

“*GLARE OF WARNING*”

…at the peak of freshness!

“…”

Cake?

“…*sigh*…”

Come on. Sit back down and have a slice. I was only playing. You wouldn’t want to leave anyway. I’ve got the band ready to go and I thought we’d…

“*plunks down in the chair**grabs a slice of cake* Stop grossing me out already and get to the…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You jumped the gun, man. No one was ready! The band blew the intro, and the dancers legs all got tangled. Look, I know I owe you for the whole m-word debacle, but just sit there and eat your cake and let me run this, okay?

“*waves fork in my general direction*”

Philipe? Could you be a lamb and put down your tuba to help untangle the ladies? I think the rhinestones on their fishnets got twisted together. Thanks.

Okay, now that the cluster of dancers is in Philipe’s capable hands, let’s get to the Roundup. For those who don’t know, the world itself has become entwined and tangled. Every day the news seems more and more horrible. However, once in awhile, there are headlines that crack me up. Like the streetlamp outside my window, these beacons of ridiculousness shine through the moistness of society.

“…Actually, I’ll allow that one. Continue.”

Thank you.

Sometimes the headlines are dumb. Sometimes they’re poorly worded. But more often or not, they just give me a mental image or a gut reaction I feel I need to share. As always, the headlines themselves are completely real. I just supply the snark.

Everyone up to speed? Excellent. Let’s get into it…

– Trump to Clinton: ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

I missed Mr. Nice Guy? When was Mr. Nice Guy?!?

– Doherty Breaks Down Over Breast Cancer Battle

Pfft. Weak. Suck it up, Shannon!

editor’s note: Sarcasm, people. The tone of the article was snarky and sassy, as if a woman battling breast cancer has no right to get upset about it. Sarcasm, the second best -asm there is.

editor’s note about previous editorial note: I didn’t make that line up. I saw it on a t shirt and it always stuck with me. Heh.

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

Holy shit stop the presses!!! Trump and Clinton AGREE on something!!

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

I’m not surprised. I imagine the thought of a positive influence in the lives of his children terrifies him.

– 2 Chicago Officers Relieved of Powers Since Death of Suspect

“Relieved of powers?” What an odd way of putting it. It’s almost as if the media has grabbed hold of a national narrative that seems to sell papers and decided to disproportionately fuel an issue that’s actually not nearly as bad as they have made it out to be or something. Weird.

editor’s note: Shit, really? Okay, guess I have to say it. I’m not anti cop. In fact, I’m VERY anti BAD cop. But, I’m also pro facts, and the fact is, FEWER people are killed by cops now than they were in the past. You want to cringe? Look at the stats from the 1970s. Is it an issue? Yep. Is it as dire as it seems? Nope. Is the media running with it because it’s so much easier to point to an authority figure instead of the thousands of citizen on citizen murders that are the real problem? Oh, no. No WAY they’d POSSIBLY do that.

– Latest Pokemon Go Worries: Sex Offenders

I can’t say I’m surprised. Look at Mewtwo. That ass is thick as fuu….

– 4 Simple Tricks To Beat The Heat…And If They Actually Work

What the hell kind of article is this? What even IS this bullshit? Have we really gotten so lazy as a society that we allow this type of “journalism” on a mainstream news site? I mean, this list could literally contain anything. “Stand in front of an open oven! It won’t work, but it’s something you could try.” My head hurts.

– This Test Will Make You Rethink Ice Cream

Do you like ice cream? If you answered “no”, then you probably should stop eating it. Thanks, Buzzfeed!

– Trump: I Wanted to ‘Hit’ Dems’ Convention Speakers

WHY IS ANYONE VOTING FOR THIS KINDERGARTENER!!!???

– Muslim Blasts Extremists At Friday Prayer With Christians

…perhaps not the best use of words, there.

– Russia Accuses Google Maps of ‘Topographical Cretinism’

BAHAHAHAHA!!! “Topographical Cretinism??” Oh, Russia. You so zany.

– Brussels Can Still Sweat the Small Stuff

You may be worry at your leisure, peons. So said Bloomberg, so shall it be done.

– North Korea Says Decision on Nuclear Tests Depends on US

Awww! The world’s second most annoying toddler wants some attention. It’s okay, Unie. We still know you’re a bad ass. Yes, who’s a wittle bad ass? You are. YOU are! Now go eat a cookie and let the grown ups talk.

– Report: Cops Mistake Krispy Kreme Glaze for Meth

So many questions, so little desire to actually have them answered. I’d much prefer to go with the scene in my head of a guy hoarding a baggie of glaze crumbles while Barney Fife freaks the hell out.

– Clinton Wooing Blue Collar Workers With Bus Tour

Then let the “blue collars” actually on to the bus to see your “humble” ride. The gauntlet has officially been thrown down, Hillary.

– Officials Encourage Travelers Not to Shun Florida for Zika

I’m with the officials here. If you’ve ever read the news, there are far more valid reasons to shun Florida than the off chance of getting a virus. Come on, people. Let’s keep it real.

– Don’t Play Pokemon Go on the Railroad Tracks, Bulgaria Says

Holy shit I never would have thought of this strategy. Thanks for the pro tip, Bulgaria.

– Pence Slams Obama: Politics Is No Place For ‘Name Calling’

Is this guy for real? I mean, is this guy literally a real human being? That’s an honest question. I NEED to know. He’s an android, right? Because there is no way in HELL a real person could possibly have the chutzpah to try and say this when Donald Trump’s name is on the same ticket.

– Her Shot: Clinton Share Vision of America Straight Out of ‘Hamilton’

I thought panders were rare? Didn’t I read somewhere that panders were getting scares in the wild? Maybe China could have some of ours. Seems we’ve got plenty to spare.

– Mass. Motorist Drives Up Utility Pole After Following GPS in Vermont

Cliches become cliches because they’re true…

*fistbump to New Englanders who understand*

– 4 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About GPS

1. GPS directions are difficult for Massachusetts drivers to understand…

– Facebook Agrees to Refunds for In-app Purchases By Minors

How magnanimous of them to follow the law. Gee, that Zuck is a real stand up guy.

– You Can Buy A Sentry Robot for Your Home

I. Need. This.

– Elon Musk Says You’ll Be Able to Decide Who Can Use Your Self-driving Car

Sooo….like a regular car, then?

– ‘Rain Bomb?’ Seriously? This is the Kind of Thing That Gives Weather Reporting a Bad Rap

Show of hands: Who would read an article about a “rain bomb”? Everyone’s hand is raised, Washington Post. Jealous much?

– Sony Releases Playstation VR Space Requirements: Is Your Room Big Enough?

*sniff* No. *sniff sniff* No it is not. *lone tear*

– Pokemon Go Can Help Address Psychological Disorders

Wait, what? No! That’s not actually what the research shows. In fact, it’s not even “research” so much as one doctor’s opinion! The game could possibly help in cases of mild depression or anxiety because it takes one’s mind off their problem…TEMPORARILY. Gawd I hate irresponsible headlines like this! Don’t stop taking your meds no matter WHAT Pikachu tells you!

– Yorkshire Wants its Own Emoji to Celebrate the County

Okay. Like, no one’s stopping you. Why do you feel the need to appeal to the masses for support through the media? Just…make one. Do you not know how this works, Yorkshire?

– Larry the Lobster, 110, Spared From the Pot, Died on the Way to Retirement

Candlelight vigil for Larry! Don’t mind me if I just put a pot of boiling water over my candle. Could I see Larry for a sec?

…too soon?

– Barack Obama: I Don’t Eat Exactly Seven Almonds Every Night

Someday when your grand kids ask where you were and what you were doing when you heard that President Barack Obama sometimes ate 9 whole almonds in ONE sitting, you can tell them about this moment we shared. I proud to be part of this with you, my friend. We’ll get through it together and come out as a stronger nation.

– ‘Donkey Whisperer’ Translates ‘Eee-aws’ Using Technology

I mean, I guess? Who’s going to refute it?

– Father Lets 8-year-old Twin Daughters Feed Pet Gator Pizza, Cookies

Do you see what I mean about Florida? #don’tsweatthevirus

– The Pokemon Go Baby Name Boom Has Arrived

I will punch you in the face if you name your kid Charmanda.

And finally, the headline of the day:

– Trammin’ In the Name of the Lord: Pope Takes A Ride

Trammin’.

In the name of the lord.

*sniff* Beautiful.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, July 30, 2016. The sun is up now and it’s still looking fairly miserable out there. Maybe it’ll clear off? Hopefully?? Or maybe it’ll just be another moist…

*DOOR SLAM*

…fair enough.

If anything, Fred sat on a mammoth to mine the quarry.

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Mornin’ all.

I just read a statistic that makes me sad.

41% of adults in America believe human beings probably coexisted with dinosaurs.

“Um, Bethie? Are we just going to pretend it hasn’t been forever since you’ve posted?”

…is there a problem with that plan?

“I’d kind of like to know where you’ve been.”

Life was shit for awhile. I had my hands full. It’s hard to type when you’re sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the other shoe to drop while simultaneously ducking a falling piano. But it’s getting better. I can juggle a few things at a time again. Eye of the storm and silver lining and yada yada…

FORGET THE CLICHES!!! DIDN’T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID!? How can you possibly sit there so calm and collected when 41% of Americans believe human beings roamed the earth with dinosaurs? Nearly half! 14% believe we “definitely” did, while 27% think it was “probable.”

Nearly half of the adults in this country think the Flintstones was a history lesson .

I’m weeping into my coffee, folks, and not just because the miasma wafting off the top of this nasty brew makes it burn every time I inhale.

“Made your own coffee this morning, did you?”

Yep. If I go into convulsions, send help.

Gawd that stat is depressing. And I don’t just mean in a general “I fear for the future” kind of way. It’s a huge step backwards, and while there have been other leaps back in recent years, this one cuts deep.

As a kid, I loved dinosaurs. LOVED them. I had dino books, knew the stats of all the cool ones, had several dinosaur figurine sets. I had this really cool set of glow in the dark ones that I used to put under my sister’s blanket to scare her at night. They were pretty bitchin’.

You know what I never learned as a child of the 1980’s, with no access to the internet and the world of knowledge it could provide? I never once learned that dinosaurs roamed the earth with people. Didn’t happen. Not a single dino set came with cavemen. There were precisely zero cavemen pictured in the dinosaur books I read, and if you went to school and talked about dinosaurs, you were encouraged, not hushed up.

41%. Damn.

I was very lucky as a child to have academically-minded parents. Frequent readers of this blog might remember me mentioning a time or dozen that my mum was a librarian for most of my childhood. My dad was an engineer, but his degree was in geology with a side passion for paleontology. We grew up hearing about the geological history of the earth and what the changes did to the various incarnations of dominant organisms through the eras, and were always encouraged to learn more on our own.

I still have some of my dad’s fossils. There’s a huge one he chipped out himself when he was a young adult that he was so proud of. Wide and flat and kind of shaped like Kentucky, it was a section of a lake bottom that had fossilized through the eons, locking in dozens of small plants and animals that had settled into the mud upon death. I take that one out and look at it a lot. I rub my fingers over the biggest trilobite, the one that has some very inept chip marks from his untrained chisel in the rock around its base.

I can remember sitting with him at the dining room table before bed in my Underoos and robe listening to him point out the different species. I was probably six at the time. He had a magnifying glass and was carefully inspecting every inch of his prized treasure, even though he knew each millimeter of that chunk of geological history by heart. I remember it clear as day, the look on his face, his excitement at having that slice of the earth as fresh and sharp then as it was the day he found it.

And even then, I knew without question that humans didn’t live with any goddamn dinosaurs.

What happened, America? When did we get to this point where 41% of you refuse to grasp what a 6 year old with the attention of a tse tse fly knew to be fact?

You know the answer. I know the answer. Everyone knows the answer, even if they won’t say it. Religion. We’re in the grip of a blind religious fervor at the moment and people are froggy to get all het up about anything.

I never understood why science and religion can’t coexist, at least on some level. Take whatever religion you follow, whichever deity. Now, think of every new scientific discovery as proof that your Creator is even more clever than you imagined. Voila. Easy.

“That’s not how it works, Bethie.”

Why not?

No, I mean it. This is a serious question. Why doesn’t it work that way? Why is a new scientific discovery scary? Or a lie of the devil? Or inherently discordant with a singular creator?

The plain truth is that it’s not. Or, at the very least, it doesn’t have to be.

Is it a matter of fear? The discomfort the unknown brings? Or is it simply easier for people to cover their ears instead of learn, absorb, and adapt new information into their ethos?

Damned if I know. I’m just a blogger hopped up on too much caffeine trying to type through the spasms and twitches.

41%. *heavy sigh*

I suppose I should take comfort in that number. Could be worse, right? 41 is still less than half. And it’s bound to improve now that the dinosaur-denying Canadian has zero chance of being our next president. At least we won’t be led by someone whose father pretty much spearheaded the “dinosaurs are lies of Communists” movement. There is that.

Other odd beliefs that fly in the face of proven science are already waning in popularity. Less than a decade ago, 80% of Americans didn’t believe in global warming or climate change, even though it was demonstrably proven in their own lifetime. Now that number is only about 38%. That’s a huge shift in thinking in just a ten years.

Maybe in another ten years, we’ll be back to understanding that there’s no way Fred rode a diplodocus to mine in the quarry.

Imagine the progress we’ll be able to resume making then.

Thus concludes a quick Musing for Wednesday, May 4, 2016. I just want to take this opportunity to extend my sincere gratitude to Ted Cruz. By dropping out, he’s pretty much assured the nation of another 4 years with a democrat in office unless the Republicans have a magic rabbit in the hat. Thanks, Ted! I know you get a lot of heat for being the Zodiac killer with a face like a squished depressed muppet, but in my book right now, you’re okay.

If you think I look like shit now, you should have seen me on Monday!

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Mornin’ all.

I’ve been sick all week with an infection. It has been less than fun. In fact, it was a big ball of NOT fun.

I hate being sick as a grown up. When you’re sick as a kid, you get to lay on the couch and watch The Price Is Right and let your Mum worry about fevers and medicine and taking care of the household while you hover between consciousness and fever dreams. When you ARE the mum, it’s much less Price Is Right and more As The World Turns…and Turns…and Turns…and OH GOD Why Won’t The World Stop Spinning?

Yuck.

Ah well. Everyone’s gotta go through it. And hey, I’m on the other side. Not feeling prime yet, but most assuredly getting there.

Yesterday I resumed the cleaning attempt of the car part/ tool/ formal dining room area. I got a good amount done last week, but still had more to go when bacteria had other plans.

While working, I unearthed an injection pump I forgot I had! It’s from an I5 OM617 diesel engine and since we removed it without making sure to note the position of the crank shaft in relation to the…

“*zzzzzzzz*”

…oh. Right. We had a deal. My bad.

Okay, so it’s a car part that squishes the diesel into the engine. It’s huge and heavy and greasy and complicated and completely useless to us since we didn’t take note of certain things when we removed it. What I’m saying is, I get to take it apart!

I love taking things apart. You can look at a schematic all you want, but the very best way to learn about how something works is to strip it down and have a look.

Besides, the day of cleaning was, perhaps, a tad premature. By dinner time last night, I was utterly wiped. It’s probably a good idea to sit and stay mellow today. I’m just starting to feel better. Wouldn’t want to undo all the hard work my white blood cells have put in.

In celebration of their effort, I feel like we should do something. Those cells are heroes right now and they deserve a bit of thanks. We could have a parade. I haven’t given them a parade in awhile, and they certainly deserve it. However, I’m still a bit touch and go, and I’ve only had enough coffee to make a small effort in gratitude, not lead an entire parade. I know! Let’s do some headlines.

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***

“No music and dancing, Bethie?”

Nah. I’ve still got a bit of a headache and I’m not so sure I could handle the band and the go-go dancers today. They want to do a cha cha routine. Do YOU want to watch a flashy cha cha routine with a headache and only half a cup of coffee in your system?

“I see your point.”

Then we’ll shelf the pomp for today and do an acoustic version.

As regular readers of this blog know, once in awhile (and more frequently of late) I see headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded. Some are misleading. And some just give me a funny or weird mental image that I am compelled to share. I round them up and present them to you. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just add some jokes.

Up to speed? Good. Let’s dive in.

-Arraignment Set for Pianist’s Wife Accused in Kid’s Death

*fist bump to all you other band geeks who read that as “Arrangement Set for Pianist’s Wife”, too. Hey, if we burn for it, we burn together.*

– Study: More Than Half of What You Eat Isn’t Real Food

So what you’re saying is that I should go ahead and eat the other half of the box of chocolates, thus making sure I have consumed 100% real food? *munch snarfle munch* Thanks for looking out for me, Science.

– Nations Rush to Condemn Brussels Attack

My gut instinct is to scoff and say, “OF FUCKING COURSE THEY CONDEMN IT!! Is it even necessary to say they do?” But, since the attacks actually made some nations happy, I guess that sadly answers my question.

– Sugar Overload? 15 Candy-free Ideas for Easter Baskets

Um, anything but candy. Come on, people. It’s not rocket science.

– Tiger Woods’ Injuries Self-Inflicted, Says Ex-Caddie

Quit hittin’ yourself Tiger. Quit hittin’ yourself…

– Ten Surprising Reasons You Can’t Lose Weight

Bacon is tasty and kale is disgusting. There’s really no mystery here.

– 5 Things to Know About the Costco and AmEx Breakup

AmEx was totally doing Kohl’s on the side. *gasp* Bitch please. Don’t act like you didn’t already see the pics on TMZ.

– At Microhotels, the Price is Right and the Space is Tight

That’s like one word away from advertising a very different kind of hotel…

– What People Wore When You Were Born

I’m hoping a hospital gown and scrubs. It WAS the 70s, though. OMG. Was my doctor wearing a leisure suit? I change my mind. If that is an option, the mental image of my own birth just got ten times more awesome.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

Fuck off.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

No, for real. Go away with this bullshit right now. I mastered the art of drinking water 37 years ago. I am officially a pro. I do not need Common Core Water Drinking Instructions to over-complicate what even a housefly knows how to do.

– Brussels Airport Attack is 2nd Major Bombing for Utah Teen

It’s true. He was also at the Boston Marathon bombing. Now, I’m not saying this kid’s bad luck, but I’m also not inviting him to dinner anytime soon.

– Angry Man Spends $200 at Sushi Restaurant, Leaves 13-foot Python Instead of Tip

What are they mad about? That’s way more than 15%.

– Sarah Palin to ‘Judge-Judy’-Style Over TV Courtroom

Aw HELL no.

– Speaker Ryan to Give An Address on ‘State of American Politics’

Ryan stands, nods to the control room. An image of a giant garbage can projects onto the wall. Ryan drops mic, walks off to live the rest of his life learning the ways and customs of deep Appalachia on an unmapped hill in Kentucky.

– Kasich Reveals Partial Tax Returns for 7 Years

Kasich, revealing your taxes should not be done strip-tease fashion. …Actually, scratch that. Revealing your taxes should ALWAYS be done strip-tease fashion. Cue the band! Anyone got some spare tassels? Size 1040.

– Zebra Runs Amok in Japanese Golf Course, Dies in Lake

Well. That took a dark turn.

– Avocado Can Do More Than Guacamole

It’s also highly skilled in the dying art of silver-smithing and has a passion for collecting and cataloging indigenous folklore. But you never take the time to get to know the real Avocado, do you?

– 4 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Underground

Because the threat of Mole People is real. #thethreatisreal #fearthemoles

– These Identical Twins Share Everything- Even A Boyfriend!

All together now… “UGH.”

– Paris Gets Sausage and Steaks from 24/7 Vending Machine

France you zany bitch.

– Nun caught Stealing $23 Worth of Shampoo and Snacks

*having a hard time keeping it together and not saying something wildly inappropriate right now* Uh..heh heh…*sweat breaks on brow*…maybe we should just move on to something else…

– Theaters to Take Aim With Lasers to Shame Phone Users

I love this. I want this to start happening in every theater immediately.

– “Japan Positive About New Sri Lanka”- Minister Harsha

“Guys, I’m telling you it’s there. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!”

– Can Students Sue “Grossly Ineffective” Teachers?

I was very lucky to generally have great teachers when I was in school, but I gotta be honest, one or two names come to mind right about now…

– Shakespeare’s Skull ‘Missing’

No biggie. Everyone knows it was really Bacon’s skull anyway.

– North Carolina to Limit Bathroom Use by Birth Gender

What are you going to do? Put a ‘gina checker in every restroom? This is utterly stupid. Grow up, North Carolina.

– What Would Happen if Americans Were Paid to Donate Kidneys?

There’d be a lot of one-kidneyed mofos running around, that’s what.

– Feds Mull Medicare Changes After Big Success in YMCA’s Diabetes Program

*cue music* YOUNG MAN, take that insulin now, I said YOUNG MAN, get that blood sugar down…

– North Carolina Man Arrested for Not Returning 2001 VHS Rental of ‘Freddy Got Fingered’ Could Have His Fine Paid By Movie’s Star Tom Green

Eh, whatever…as long as he uses the right bathroom, who cares?

– Rise of Trump is ‘Scary’, Says France’s Sarkozy

I’m not sure if you’re up on French politics, so I’ll put this in context. Sarkozy being afraid of a Trump presidency would be like Freddy Krueger saying, “Norman Bates freaks me out.”

– Flight Attendant Who Tried to Sneak 70 Lbs of Cocaine is Arrested

As well she should! That bitch has to pay for cocaine like everyone else.

– Arizona Voting Lines so Long People Started Ordering Pizza

I think they may have unwittingly stumbled upon a great idea. Free pizza for voters. Admit it…you’d be happier to vote if you knew you’d get a slice while you’re there.

– Bernie Sanders Blasts Donald Trump’s Foreign Stance on Jimmy Kimmel

…Donald Trump HAS a foreign stance on Jimmy Kimmel? I thought Kimmel was American?

– 184-year Old Tortoise Gets His First Bath

A man took a bucket of soapy water and car washed the famous tortoise. Because it was there, that’s why.

– Bingo! NH Law Would Allow Adults to Join Children’s Games

“You might still have a working bladder and all your teeth, but I just got BINGO!” *sniff* “But…but…” “Stop cryin’ like a little bitch. Nana’s gettin’ the juice box and cookies today!”

– Son of Wrongly Cremated Woman Comes Forward

I sure hope she was dead first.

– US Bill Targets Babies Born Dependent on Opioids

It’s about time the government cracked down on these druggies. I, for one, am sick of going into a nursery expecting to ooh and ah over the cute newborns only to be faced with drooling, lazy, useless lumps who do nothing but nod off and hit the bottle all day long. #warondrugs #lockemupyoung

– Obama Weighs Republican Nevada Governor for Supreme Court

Finds Him Too Heavy for SCOTUS Weight Class

– University of California Softens Anti-Semitism Statement

“We didn’t mean to say we’re absolutely against anti-semitism. Of course you can still single Jews out for their stinginess, nose size, and bizarre religious rituals. We simply meant to draw a line between good humored racism and Hitler jokes. Everyone knows it’s too soon for Hitler jokes. We apologize for any confusion.”

– Brussels Bombing May Have Targeted Americans: US Lawmaker

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. This is not about us. At all. In any way! Get over yourself.

– US Prosecuting Fewer Drug Offenses: Justice Deptartment

…except for ones committed by babies. #alwaysvigilant

– Rookie Iditarod Musher Battles to Last-Place Finish in Alaska

“Sure, we could do an article about the winners, but we need to feel better about ourselves this week. Let’s run this story detailing just how much of a pathetic loser this lady is.” “Good idea, Sal. Make sure you talk about how much money, time, and effort she put into it for nothing.” “Wouldn’t dream of leaving that out.”

– Ga. Parents Offended by Yoga, Get ‘Namaste’ Banned From School

I can see why a greeting of respect might rub these people the wrong way.

– Here’s What Happened When Homeowners Used HARP

The clouds parted in, and rays of light shown down on the cherubs descending from on high.

– NC LGBT Law May Mar NBA All-Star Game

At first I was all “huh??” because of the two seemingly unrelated topics mashed together, but then I read the article. The NBA is officially taking a stance against a new NC law that bans local municipalities from making non-discriminatory ordinances designed to protect Ls, Gs, Bs and Ts. The NBA just called out NC. Well played, NBA. *pun ALWAYS intended*

– As Tensions Escalate, Cruz Calls Trump A ‘Sniveling Coward’

Look at that Canadian, trying to be all tough like a big kid. Aw.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

The science equivalent to a kindergarten art project.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

You know, I joke, but the more I think about this, the more unsettling it becomes. They’re making ORGANISMS. Life forms. BEINGS of some sort, and they’ve got no idea at all what that being is. What its intentions are.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

…okay, maybe I’m overreacting a little bit. I mean, how bad could it really be, right? It’s just a tiny little organism in some petri dish in a lab. I’m sure it’s secure. I’m sure the lab follows standard clean room procedures and there’s no chance of the new being dividing and spawning, somehow gaining sentience and finding a way out of the lab stuck to the underside of the scientist’s briefcase, thus being unwittingly released into a world that doesn’t understand it and that it does not understand in return, which will no doubt cause feelings of turmoil and confusion that quickly escalate to frustration and anger, igniting a desire for revenge on those who took the identity of Creator without understanding the true responsibility they had toward their creation…

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

I was wrong. There is no other hand to this. RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, March 25, 2016. I’m off to get all greasy. Not in a sexy way. Unless you’re a freak, you sicko.