Can you believe it’s finally December 31st? I feel like this was one long ass year.
Usually around the year’s end, I do some kind of “best of”. I’m not going to do that today because…screw 2018. I think the best thing we can say about it is that we made it through.
Wellll…I guess technically there’s still time for the nation’s top Cheeto to destroy us all, but I’m choosing to be optimistic and plan for us as a nation to be able to ring in 2019. And that deserves a celebration!
Now, full disclosure, I haven’t had a party in ages. Fortunately, the internet is full of helpful party tips that any newbs, or folks like myself who are just rusty, can use to make a New Year’s party that everyone will remember for years to come. The articles all guarantee that if we just follow their easy guidelines, we’ll nail it. Grab a piece of paper and take some notes, because we’re going to plan a party.
The first thing I’m told we need to do is choose a date. Well, that one’s easy! Tonight. Duh.
Next, we need to decide who’s coming. Start writing down names of your friends and family you want at your party. I know it’s a bit last minute, but it’s New Year’s. I highly doubt anyone has already made plans. It’s not like we’re trying to throw together and impromptu Flag Day party or anything.
Got your list? Good!
Now I’m reminded by the internet that we must pick a theme. According to Delish, we should definitely not choose “80s To The Max” or “White Trash Trailer Bash.” I was bummed out, too, but you can’t argue with their reasoning: Your friends already went to parties with those themes last week. Instead, they recommend we make the theme a color. It’s a “hot trend.” As someone who lives on the fast paced cutting edge of the very hottest trends, I’m totally on board. Go ahead and pick your party color. I call dibs on puce.
That takes care of the theme. What do we need for decorations?
This can get a bit tricky as you need to decorate appropriately for the age range of those in attendance. You don’t want suggestive hats with lewd phrases or topless dancers popping out of a cake if there will be kids there, nor do you want drunk frat rats to have the opportunity to pin the tail on anything. New Year’s puce-themed parties may have a mixed audience of younger and older people.
I think we should keep it pretty simple, guys. Let’s get some balloons, streamers, confetti, table cloths, napkins, plates, ice sculpture, disco ball, fog machine…
Oh. Hang on. I’m just looking at this wikiHow article on decorating for a party, and it says that store bought decorations can get pricey. To cut costs, it recommends making our own decorations. Hm. That does throw a small wrench in the works, because I’m not sure I have the time to whip up a fresh batch of latex balloons AND make food for the party…
“FOOD! We haven’t even thought of the food yet, Bethie!”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re making the number one pre-party foul, according to the Daily Mail. You’re getting ahead of yourself in the planning. Take a deep breath and relax. Let’s hammer out the décor details first, then we’ll worry about the rest. “One thing at a time” and we’ll “get through this.” The Daily Mail guarantees it.
I don’t have time to set up my lab and make balloons from scratch. If we’re getting balloons, we’ll just have to buy them. But, I suppose I can trim budget elsewhere. Just make a mental note that we’ll have to cut a few things out of the entertainment or something. I suppose I can reuse the Christmas table cloth. I’ll just flip it over and color it puce with a marker. I’ve only got one puce colored marker, but if I set the kids to do it now, they should just about be finished by party time.
“You could also ditch the ice sculpture, Bethie.”
No can do, my friend. Everyone has their no-gives.
Décor? *check* What’s next? Should we talk about entertainment or food? Hm. Let’s do entertainment first, since I said I’d have to trim a bit to make up for the balloons and it’s still fresh in my mind.
All of the sage party advisers on the internet say we definitely need entertainment, though their advice on which particular party performances we should employ is varied. Keeping in mind that the balloons have set us back two dollars, I think the live band is out. That’s okay. My house is pretty small and I’m guessing the charm would wear off the mariachi pretty quickly.
I know a SoundCloud DJ. That seems like a safe bet, because right now EVERYONE knows a SoundCloud DJ. I can probably put up with house trance better than mariachi, if I’m being honest. SoundCloud DJ it is!
I need something a bit more special to go with the free-J. Live performances are a way to take my party to the next level, according to MSN. I don’t want clowns or jugglers, and, like I said, there will be a mixed age crowd, so balloon animals are to be avoided at all costs. Besides, everyone has *those* kinds of party entertainers. The entertainment should fit the theme, my wikiHow guru reminds me.
Hm. Puce. What kind of entertainment can I have for puce. … …
“Aw man…you know what your party needs?”
Hang on. HANG the FUCK ON!!! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
FIRE TUBA!! *in unison* “FIRE TUBA!!”
How did it take us so long to come up with that? Now we said it out loud, seems like a no brainer. And even better, EventBrite assures me it’s one of the hottest party trends for 2019. Is it me, or is this party coming together like it was fated to happen?
Okay! We’ve got the guest list of people who have definitely not made other plans for tonight. We’ve got our theme…no stealing the puce. I mean it. We’ve got a list of decorations and I woke one of my boys up at 5:43 am to start coloring the flip side of the buffet length Christmas table cloth. I filled the ice trays to freeze up for the sculpture, sent a text to my free J friend…
Hang on a sec, that sounds like my phone. Sweet! Just got this reply: “i guess”
Man is he pumped for this show!!
Food. Food is critical at a party. When I was a kid, we used to do things like finger sandwiches and cheese plates. I dunno, guys. That feels dated. I want to ring in the new year with something that really says, “Hey 2018, suck my dick!” I’m talking big, bold, fresh flavors. I want 2018 to see us already enjoying the promises of 2019 before it even begins.
To the internet we go, kids.
“34 Best Appetizers to Get Your Party Started”
How timely, Delish.
Wow. 34 is a really lot. I’m scrolling through, but there are just so many choices. You know what? I’m just going to let my eyes do the choosing. They say you eat with your eyes first. We’ll flip through the pictures and find some tasty looking treats that scream “puce”. …well, mine will scream puce. As I’ve already said, dibs. Pick your own color and stop trying to steal my thunder.
Here’s one that caught my eye:
Chocolate popsicles are going to be super popular in 2019, according to Delish. And I personally cannot think of a better way to serve them than in a heap on a plate slightly melted covered in salt.
I don’t really want the focus to be on just sweets, though. Here’s an updated idea instead of the standard crackers and cheese: cheesy garlic bread slices.
…do you think it would look tacky if I put more than this on a plate? I mean, this way would save some money. What am I going to do with the rest of the loaf, though?
Gah. Look at me over here, acting like I’m the party expert! If Delish says this is how I should serve it, then this is how I should serve it. Maybe the scuffle over the slices adds to the excitement of the party?
I think I should have something vegan, right? That’s a thing that party people do, isn’t it? Let me scroll through the pics. Aha. Here we go.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I’m sure it’s vegan. I mean…look at it.
And though I’m told by the experts at the Daily Mail that chips and dips are passe, I can’t help but feel like it’s not a party without SOME kind of dip. Let’s go with this one.
It must be good if they couldn’t even wait for the photographer to take the picture before digging in. Hey, do you think that’s where the other garlic bread slices went?
Guests, décor, music, entertainment, food…I think the only thing left is what we should wear. I’m led to believe that’s extremely important. Important enough to make or break the party, according to Glamour.
I don’t know about you, but fashion is one place where I’m not too proud to admit I’m out of my element. Not for everyday gear, mind you. My 12 year old Payless sneakers are just as fashionable today as they were when I bought them.
But for parties? I definitely need a little help.
Daily Mail says I should absolutely not wear high heels to a New Year’s party. I’m not sure why, exactly, as they don’t elaborate. I always thought that the time to wear high heels was at fancy parties. Shows how much I know! Hey, at least I don’t have to go out and buy a pair, so that’s good.
Also, I should not wear anything skin tight, skimpy, or short.
*rechecks the article to make sure they’re talking about New Year’s parties and not Amish birthday parties*
No, I read that right. So no high heels, mini skirts, sexy pants, or low cut dresses. Got it. And whatever we do tonight, they warn us to never, ever rely on nipple tape. Pfft. As if we all haven’t already learned that lesson on our own, amiright?
It’s all well and good learning what to avoid, but I need to know what to actually wear. Glamour suggests that I should wear something with sequins. “Match the theme if you can, but don’t go over the top. You don’t want to be seen as part of the decorations.”
Leggings under a flashy blouse are always in style, they claim. I’m not too sure on that one. They’re the experts, though. Puce sequin blouse. Black leggings.
“Hang on, Bethie. Daily Mail said nothing skin tight.”
Oh shit. I forgot! See? The many roads of fashion are difficult to navigate without help! Puce sequin blouse, black maxi skirt so I don’t show any ankle and risk making a harlot of myself. Now, what do I do with my hair?
Luxy Hair says I should go with big, sexy curls. I blew any wig budget I might have had on the SoundCloud DJ, because he texted me that he was trying to make it on a pro level and needed gas money at the very least. Damn demanding artists. *sigh* But, we need the DJ, so a wig is out. What can people with short hair do? I don’t want to upset my guests or “set the wrong tone” for my party.
Side parted hair with a forehead band. That’s the consensus, not only on Luxy Hair, but Refinery29 and House And Garden as well. Apparently if you’ve got short hair, the best thing to do is shove it to the side and put on an accessory that is designed to draw allllll the attention away from the abomination on top of your head. They recommend a band that sparkles, but “doesn’t compete with your eyes.” So, basically, keep it classy. Got it. I’m thinking something like this:
Only, you know, in puce.
Date, check. Decor, check. Entertainment, double check since the fire tuba player has confirmed he’s in. In fact, he’s bringing a fire trombonist friend to get a bit of exposure, if I don’t mind. Mind? MIND? Bring the whole damn fire brass section! I’ve got three fire extinguishers. The more the merrier! We’ve got food. We’ve got our outfits.
Guys. I think we did it. I think we planned the perfect New Year’s Eve party. I can’t wait to talk to you in 2019 and see how your parties went.
And if you actually follow this advice, all I ask in return for bestowing the wisdom of the internet upon you is pictures. And maybe video if the fire tuba goes how I’m pretty sure it’ll go.
Thus concludes the New Year’s Musing for New Years Eve, 20Misery. Everyone, no matter what theme your party is, no matter what type of puke dip you serve, please, PLEASE party responsibly and carefully tonight. If you ring in the new year with some alcohol cheer, sleep on a couch, a floor, a spare bedroom, the floor of a not spare bedroom… Let’s actually make it to 2019.