You call it “procrastination,” I prefer the term “creative time management…”

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Mornin’ all.

When we last spoke, I was about to embark on a mission to clean my house. I got garbage bags, extra coffee, queued up a good podcast, and dug in.

Now, I’m not so sure how it happened, exactly, but I started the day cleaning and ended up welding together a new lamp.

Company will be here tomorrow. TOMORROW. They’ve got nowhere to sit. But at least there will be plenty of light…?

…I don’t know why I’m like this.

While I was cleaning, I found my stash of transmission gears and sprockets, and uncovered the MIG welder. It was nice weather, I hadn’t been able to weld yet this spring, and the urge to smell hot metal was too strong to ignore. I suppose I understand what led me down the path, I just wish I had a bit more fortitude against my own impulsiveness sometimes.

*sigh* I guess anyone coming to my house should know me, right? I mean, there are some things I’m very good at. I’m a good cook, I’ve got a decent brain, even if it’s as little scattered sometimes, I try my damnedest to be kind to other people… And there are a few things I don’t do well at all. I’d say the three things in life I really suck at are being skinny, respecting myself, and keeping the house in shape. In the grand scheme, that’s not so bad…right?

So I have to mad-dash clean today and tomorrow between work shifts. It’s not the first time. Won’t be the last.

I should be doing it right now, in fact. And I’ll get there, but first, let’s get distracted by something else. You know what we haven’t done in awhile?

*cue the go-go dancers* *strike up the band* Let’s have ourselves a good, old fashioned…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You know the deal. I peruse the news for headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re poorly worded, and sometimes they just beg for commentary. I gather them up and present them to you as nature intended. I just add the snark.

Let’s begin.

– African American pastor warns, “Black folks need to stay out of white churches” ahead of megachurch opening

Hoo boy. So much to unpack, so little desire to leave indelible footprints through this internet minefield. Imma step away from this one slowly…

– People have tried to stop lava from flowing. This is why they failed.

Oh, honey, no. If an entire MOUNTAIN isn’t strong enough to stop magma from bursting forth, what in the holy hell do you think YOU can do? Hm?

– Residents voice frustrations at meeting as Hawaii volcano continues to wreak havoc

“I don’t know whose idea it was to allow the magma to flow down my street, but this is a clear violation of my rights as a homeowner.” “Um, ma’am? We can’t control the lava. You do know that, right?” “But I pay taxes!”

– Idaho State University loses weapons-grade plutonium

Some people misplace their keys, some people misplace their elements of mass destruction. Don’t judge.

– Tourists unknowingly toss dinosaur footprints into lake

HOW!?!?

– Man mauled to death while trying to take selfie with bear

Sounds about right.

– Scientists excited by huge New Zealand sinkhole

In other news, a recent survey shows nine out of ten New Zealanders think scientists are dicks.

– Jennifer Lopez shows the world how to rock an exposed leg

I sure hope it was hers.

-McCain’s critiques of Trump anger president’s supporters

*crash* Oof! *scramble* *uprights chair* *mops up spilled coffee* Oh my god, that’s never happened before. I was literally bowled over by that shocking news. Wow. I always thought it was just a figure of speech.

– Jessica Simpson back in her Daisy Dukes

Okay. Thanks for the update? I guess?

– First Lady launches initiative to stop cyber bullying, is immediately criticized for husband’s social media history

I believe Melania is a fairly smart woman who put herself in a stupid situation in life. I think she’s trying to make the best of it, and she’s trying to do something that will make her feel good about this time her husband is spending in office. But I just think the reality of her situation is going to belie anything she could promote for the happiness and well being of the children she’s trying to reach. I actually legitimately feel bad for her in this endeavor. Her critics aren’t wrong here, and that’s sad. #FreeMelania

– Israel offended Japan’s prime minister by serving him dessert out of a shoe

Sometimes it’s difficult to navigate the challenges that arise when two different cultures are trying to come together. It’s often hard to know what’s going to cause offense. But sometimes, some asshole blatantly serves dessert in a fucking shoe. You don’t need cultural context to get that message loud and clear.

– Israel offended Japan’s prime minister by serving him dessert out of a shoe

Sidenote…Who even thinks of that, anyway? Who sits there and has a “eureka” moment that leads them to filling a loafer with tiramisu?? You’re a weird dude, whoever you are.

– In Japan, remarks by finance minister spark #MeToo outrage

The guy was caught on camera asking a female reporter if he could hug her and touch her breasts. I’d like to apologize, Israel. I get it now. #LoafersOfTiramisuToo

– “Heroes” rescue special-needs teen dodging rush-hour traffic

Uh, not so sure why heroes is in kind of sarcastic quotes up there…

– Heroes stop rush-hour traffic to help ducklings cross road

OHHHH, okay. The full stop heroes title is reserved for those who save cute animals, not human beings. Got it.

– Daughter of NYPD hero who died on 9/11 follows in dad’s footsteps

*DANGER* *DANGER* *DANGER* …sorry. That was the new warning app I installed. It’s supposed to help stop me from making completely tasteless jokes on the internet that could have lasting consequences. Seems to be working as advertised. Four and a half stars.

– Teen accepted to 113 colleges, awarded $4.5M in scholarships

Her name is Jasmine Harrison. Just wanted to give a shout out to a young woman who is absolutely rocking life.

– Trump considers benching Guiliani from doing TV interviews

Oooh, Trump’s jelly. Since Guiliani’s been on the team, the press is all, “Rudy said WHAT?” and “You won’t believe what Guiliani’s doing now”. Trump hasn’t been clickbait all week! That’s GOT to be killing him.

– Rubin: What exactly are Republicans running on?

Tears of migrant children. Stronger than coffee.

– Trump: “Every…AHAHAHAA!!!

Sorry. *snicker* Sorry, guys. It’s just, this one is so hilarious that I’m having a difficult time spitting it out. Let’s reset and I’ll try again.

– Trump: “Everyone thinks”…GA HA HA HAHAHAHAAA!!!

DAMNIT! I’m GOING to get through this with a straight face! *deep breath* Okay. *lips twitch* *calming mantra* Okay, I got it this time:

– Trump: “Everyone thinks” I deserve a Nobel Prize

SEE?? *groan* *wipes tear* Now my sides hurt.

– What’s killing the west coast’s young great white sharks?

Ennui. Lack of leadership. Parents who didn’t instill the value of hard work and the importance of goals. It’s a complicated issue, really.

– How salad became a major source of food poisoning in the US

The vegan movement is just a ploy by the Illuminati to dumb down the masses and make us subservient. They’re poisoning you, sheeple. The truth is out there.

– Canadian zoo faces charges after taking bear out for ice cream

I don’t know if anyone has ever Canadian-ed so hard before.

– Massive chocolate spill shuts highway after tanker truck crash

Oompa loompa doopahdedoo, I’ve got another riddle for you…What do you get when your truck has a…FLAT…Tipping and slipping with a chocolatey…SPLAT…

– White House says Iran nuclear inspections must continue

Oh my god I can’t even take how stupid he is. Yes, you gangrenous knob, we DO need to keep monitoring Iran’s nuclear program. THAT’S WHY WE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. *thumps head on the desk* Someone fix this.

– France condemns US over Iran sanctions

*heavy sigh* That’s fair.

– Students use history books that claim not all slaves were unhappy for ten years

Yes. Yes they fucking were. It makes me sick to think that children are being encouraged in any way to think that ANY person likes being owned as another person’s property.

– Oregon school forced LGBTQ students to read bible verses as punishment

Slavery being touted as “not really so bad”, forcing kids to read the bible, punishing anyone at all for their sexual orientation…what year is this? Did we go back in time???!!!

– Oregon school forced LGBTQ students to read bible verses as punishment

To be clear, the facts as we know them are that these are allegations that are still being investigated. However, an unnamed administrator of the school admitted it to police, which is why the investigation is continuing and will go deeper. I could get on a rant here, you KNOW I could, but that won’t reach the people I want to reach. So, I’m just going to ask this question: How would you feel if your child came home and told you they were forced to read the surahs of the Quran as punishment for having blond hair?

– Dragon float in Disney parade catches fire

…they say, as if realism is a bad thing. Pfft. Some people just don’t appreciate art.

– Scientist: Hawaii lava flow has similar chemical structure to 1955 eruption

It’s the same magma source. Same location. In geological epoch terms, it’s essentially the same eruption. I’m not so sure these science writers know how to science…

– US fighter jets intercept Russian bombers in international air space near Alaska

They were flying planes legally in a zone that’s designated free range…air space they use for military practice, just like us. It’s like kicking the kids from the other neighborhood out of the town park because they brought bats. Doesn’t matter that they are planning on playing baseball. They have BATS. And it’s sorta close to our house. Can’t you see that means they’re going to smash our car windows!? It’s ridiculous. WE were the aggressors in this situation. I will not go back to McCarthy era paranoia. I never thought I’d say this, but I am rejecting the trip in the time machine.

– Nearly two years later, “world’s saddest polar bear” no longer sad?

I didn’t click. I was afraid they’d interview an “animal psychologist” and I’d have no choice but to quit the internet. You understand.

– Family chased by cheetahs highlights the dangers of wildlife parks

No, it highlights the stupidity of humans. #TeamCheetah

– An emergency call center operator tells dying woman that “everyone dies”

It’s graduation season. Some of you reading this may be wondering what you want to do in life, where you’re heading, what will bring you happiness. Here’s a tip for ya…if you hate people, and have zero compassion, maybe don’t be a 911 operator, k?

– Opioid crisis makes more organs available

“Mr. Smithers, I see you’re awake. The operation was a success. You no longer have cirrhosis! But your insurance restricted us to a level 2 organ donation. Got it from the free clinic down the street. You might feel a bit jumpy and edgy. Fortunately, your insurance covers methadone, so I’ll just write you out the scrip…”

– People “outraged” to discover cemetery threw away flowers day after Mother’s Day

Oh grow up. You left flowers on a rock. You already flushed that money down the toilet. Close the Twitter app and put that energy into something meaningful.

– Ukraine: Army dolphins starved after Russian annexation

Russia, heart to heart: Wtf.

– A Vietnam veteran was going to be buried alone. Then a stranger helped find his family.

…and now they’re being buried with him?!?

– Avalanche survivor’s final thoughts: “This could be it”

Final thoughts? She survived. Is she just not planning on thinking anything else ever?

– Astronauts give commencement speeches from space station

If they didn’t tell the students to reach for the stars, I’m going to be very disappointed. I don’t pay taxes to have astronauts drop the ball when it comes to bad jokes.

– You’re reheating your cold pizza wrong

You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. GTFO with your pizza shaming.

– Scientist trains spider to jump on command

“Bethie?”

Yes?

“I can’t help but notice that you are now scraping the bottom of the barrel.”

…your point?

“Stop procrastinating and go clean your house.”

But…

“Bethie. *stern look*”

*sigh* Fine.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Thursday, May 17, 2018. I guess I hafta go clean my house now ‘cuz you’re gonna be all mean about it and stuff.

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I think I’m morally obligated to fill the plastic eggs with actual raw eggs…

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Mornin’ all.

Did I tell you about the cheese under the cake case?

The other day at work, my boss was stocking the tables with muffins and crème cakes and all sorts of unhealthy deliciousness, when something under my cake case caught her eye. It was a Longhorn gift card, one that had been taken off the large round display of gift cards for sale in the bakery.

My boss picked it up, then recoiled. It seems that the card was placed under the case to hide…cheese. Two slices, with bites taken around the edges. Looked like provolone. Cheese slice middles, sitting there, under a gift card under a cake case.

The deli is our store neighbor. The rounder of gift cards sits slightly toward the deli, right on our departmental border.

This is a thing that actually happened. Someone got a sample of cheese from the deli, wandered over and grabbed a gift card, then placed the cheese on the floor and covered it up with the gift card. And then they simply walked away.

Why.

WHY!?

Why would anyone do this? HOW could they even think it up in the first place? We have trash cans. We have napkins. Shit, even if they didn’t realize that and were just looking to ditch the unwanted cheese, why go the extra step of hiding it under a gift card?

I have never in my life taken a sample of something and hated it so much that I needed to hide all evidence of it ever having been a part of my life. Who does that? WHO IS THIS PERSON?? Who could even have this thought process in the first place? What else have they done in life?!??!

We’ve got some maniacs in this world, people. Stay vigilant.

So today is both Easter and April Fool’s Day!

Now, I could very easily make a joke here. Too easily, actually. I mean, it writes itself, when you think about it. Instead, I think I’ll make jokes about other things. Cue the music, because we need a…

*** EASTER/FOOL’S ROUNDUPSTRAVAGANZA!!!! ***

I have been gathering headlines for a month now, hoarding them as only a truly mentally unstable individual can. Some of them are dated, most of them are actually old news by now, but I’ve got to clean out the mental shelves and make room for more. It’s spring, after all, even if the weather’s not that keen on cooperating.

Those in the know are familiar with the schtick, but for any newbs, here’s how it works: I find headlines that speak to me. Maybe they say, “Hm, here’s something interesting.” Perhaps they call, “…wtf?” Sometimes they just say, “Durrrhurrrrrr.” I scour, I search, I listen for these tag lines to call my attention, then present the choice ones to you…with jokes. Or commentary. Or, in some cases, a good ol’ soap box observation. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just make up the bs after.

Got it? Good. Let’s do this.

– Fourth Nor’easter in a Month Takes Aim At New England

Because apparently Nature lost her calendar.

– What Is A Shamrock Shake? What to Know About McDonald’s Iconic Dessert

People say real journalism is dead, but then a hard and gritty look at real life such as this piece comes along and renews our faith in the profession.

– Woman Restrained After Trying to Open Cabin Door During Flight

While that is definitely a fair response to such an action, I give it less than a month before we see a follow up headline announcing her lawsuit against the airline.

Oooh! New game idea, folks! Let’s make a lawsuit office pool. Here are the rules: Everyone pitches in $2. We’re going to bet on two different aspects: when the lawsuit is announced, and what exactly the woman is claiming. I’m going to say that her lawyers will announce a suit on April 3rd, and they’ll be requesting damages for excessive force. *ching-clang of quarters and nickles hitting the pot* Who’s next?

– Woman Falls From Plane Door

Different woman, different plane. I think my new game has already gone viral, but I’m not sure people are actually understanding the rules…

– Your Location Data is Being Sold- Often Without Your Knowledge

Wow holy shit! This is totally the fast breaking news story of 2002!

– Kim Jong Un Calls For a ‘New History’

…ummm…I don’t think that’s how it works…

– Fights Erupt, 12 Arrested Ahead of White Nationalist’s Speech

Huh. These are generally very calm events lacking emotions or heated convictions. In fact, it’s widely known that folks who attend these rallies do so in order to get away from the hustle and chaos of everyday life. I’ve often heard them compared to accounting symposiums. Weird that they’d do such a drastic 180.

– 36 Exotic Animals Disappear From Florida Wildlife Sanctuary After Fake ‘Help Yourself’ Ad

Don’t send me hate mail or anything, PETA, but I would watch the hell out of this movie.

– Washington Becomes First State to Pass Law Protecting Net Neutrality

Let us pause for a moment to give Washington a standing ovation. Join me now. *WILD CLAPPING* *WHISTLES* *HOOTS* *HOLLERS* *flings bra up on stage* Bravo, Washington. Now, everyone else…ditto that shit STAT.

– California Hospital on Quake Fault Set to Close

I once set an entire tray of cupcakes down on the counter at work and promptly knocked it to the floor with my elbow. Bad days on the job happen. However, I never built a hospital on an earthquake fault line. I don’t know, but that might just be a world record for incompetence. Someone check with Guinness.

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I hope you didn’t hang up on Guinness just yet…

– Teen’s Tears of Joy Go Viral After He’s Accepted to Dream School

Ohhh boy…ummmm…this is awkward…

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I’ve given this some thought, and I believe you really dodged a bullet here, kiddo. Yes, you will now spend the rest of your life trying to live down the viral fame of what was ultimately failure. BUT, if the university can’t even figure out how to email, do you really want to pay them $30K/year? Silver lining, bud. #IGYB

– Alligator in Florida Caught ‘Window Shopping’ at Store Called Junque In The Trunk

WOW. FYI, he wasn’t shopping, he was mourning the handbag that used to be his best friend. Maybe try to understand alligator culture a little before you try and make jokes. #GatorFeelings

– Army Admits Mishandling War Dogs, Will Comply With Call for Reform

Exactly how does one “properly” handle an innocent animal that’s forced against its will to participate in a life threatening war it had absolutely nothing to do with starting?? No jokes here, folks. This legitimately pisses me off. One species should not be able to rope another one into their personal war. At all, ever, no matter how they treat the animal in the not-getting-them-killed down times between missions. We have the ability to think and reason and agree on morality. We should be better than this.

– Panama Hotel Ditches Trump Branding

I would totally sit through the three hour presentation on the wonders of time-sharing at this hotel if it meant we could learn the secret of how to ditch Trump.

– White House Clarifies Trump-N.Korea ‘call’, says He Meant South Korea

*adds extra notebook to the suitcase while talking to Panama hotel rep about time-share presentation openings*

– Amid Leader’s Power Grab, China Bans These Three Phrases From the Internet

I couldn’t leave you hanging on this one. The phrases are “personality cult”, “my emperor,” and “Winnie the Pooh.” Winnie. The. Pooh. You don’t even need any details to enjoy it, do you?

– Analysis: Trump may have ‘done something…with Russians’, Says Former Aide

*spews coffee all over the place* *chair legs slam to the floor* *grips hair with unabashed shock* WHAAAA????

– The Clowns Are In Charge

No truer words have ever been spoken.

– Daycare Workers Gave Melatonin To Children At Naptime, Cops Say

At one point in life, I had four kids ranging in age from newborn to five. I never drugged them, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t empathize just a wee bit with this story.

– Attorney: Relatives Still Have ‘Great Love’ For Student Charged With Killing Parents

No they do not. They might be trying to hold on to the love, or trying to convince themselves that their love for the kid is actually infinite. But, it’s not, and that’s okay. The little shit straight up murdered people. It’s okay not to love him.

– Cops Train to Spot Drug Trafficking. Why Not Train to Spot Child Trafficking?

Because in this country, drugs and guns are more important than children. #FACT

– Grandma Brings Doritos Bag Full of Drugs to Prison, Cops Say

Oh, Granny. Your big mistake was bringing top shelf treats the corrections officers wanted to “confiscate” for their afternoon snack. If you had just put the drugs in a box of saltines, you wouldn’t have been caught.

– Microsoft is Optimizing Skype for Low-end Android Phones

“The peasants are demanding services, master.” “*scoff* I allowed them access to solitaire. What more could they possibly want?” “Perhaps if we were to deign to let them use a fifteen year old free app they’d be appeased?” “UGH. *rolly eyes* Fine. *wave hand* Throw them a bone.”

– The Moon Formed Inside a Hot Cosmic Doughnut, Scientists Say

Hot Cosmic Doughnut is an amazing name for an indie band. I’d buy that t-shirt.

– Any Life on Proxima B May Have Been Wiped Out Last Year

You have no idea how legitimately disappointed I am. The search continues.

– The Moon is Getting 4G Cell Service and Live Video Feed

Greaaat. Give the Nazi base on the far side of the moon even MORE of an edge on us. #TheTruthIsOutThere

– Everything Americans Know About Science in Seven Graphs

That it’s possible to accurately represent everything Americans know about science in only seven graphs speaks volumes of sadness and pain.

– Tangled ‘Particle’ Helps Scientists Model Rare Ball Lightning

If ever there was a time to create a super weapon out of a scientific discovery, this is it. Ball lightning guns may be our only shot at defeating the robot uprising. Fix the problem you created, scientists.

– NASA Wants to Send Humans to Mars in the 2030s- Here’s the Timeline

Why wait? I’ve got a pretty good list of people we can send right now.

“But Bethie, it’s still not safe enough. Their odds of surviving are slim to none.”

*quirked eyebrow*

“OHHHhhhh. I see.”

Get on it, NASA.

-Years-long Storm on Neptune Winds Down

“Years-long” storms? Maybe I shouldn’t bitch about snow in March.

– Vaping Delivers Cancer Causing Chemicals

Inhaling chemicals delivers chemicals to your body? I never would have guessed.

– Republican Candidate for Maine House Calls Parkland Survivor Emma Gonzalez A ‘Skinhead Lesbian’ In Series of Vile Tweets

Maine, heart to heart time: You are the only other New England state I tolerate. You know what you gotta do here. Throw this asshole’s shit out in the dooryard, tell him to move on up the way, and don’t let yourself slip down to Connecticut status in the rankings. I’m countin’ on ya, Maine.

– California Teacher Accidentally Fires Gun in Class, Students Injured

…yep. *sigh* Yep.

– Tiger Uses Snowblower in Goffstown

No details. Mystery is the spice of life.

– Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Has Died at 76

I didn’t agree with some of his theories, and he was often a bit of a twat, but his contributions to our understanding of the universe have opened doors to paths we didn’t even know existed. Respect.

– O.J. Simpson Described ‘Blood and Stuff’ in Hypothetical Murder Scenario

How can anyone still doubt his guilt when he gives such detailed descriptions that only someone who was actually there would be able to share?? “Blood and stuff”? Could YOU come up with such minutiae? I don’t think so. Wake up, sheeple.

– President Envisions Space Force Someday in Military

Gotta fight dem moon Nazis. #THETRUTHISOUTTHERE

Elon Musk Poaching ‘The Onion’ Staffers For Secret Project

Brilliant, slightly insane scientist amassing an army of professional satirists? If this is how the world ends, I’m oddly okay with it.

– Cops Lose Snowball Fight

It’s the end of March, and there is still enough snow for a snowball fight. In fairness to the cops, I think EVERYONE loses this one.

– In Gun Control Marches, Students Led, But Adults Provided Key Resources

WHAT? I thought the kids rented the buses and drove themselves to the marches after busting open their piggy banks and pooling their change to pay for the permits! You mean the WHOLE THING WAS A SHAM??

– Self-taught Rocket Scientist Blasts Off Into California Sky

He built a rocket in his garage and blasted off into the air in an effort to prove the earth is flat. My dad once went to an industry convention to look at a new line of equipment for his machining company. At the convention, he actually met and interacted with a group of rocket scientists. He was always a space buff, and when I asked how it went with them, he said, “It was a big let down. I thought they’d be smarter. I think the only thing they do know is how to make a rocket.”

Dad’s hypothesis confirmed.

*ducks rotten tomato thrown by rocket scientist*

Fine. #NotAllRocketScientists …better?

– Is Your County Elections Clerk Ready for Russian Hackers?

This is NH. Odds are very good that at least half of our elections clerks still have to have their grandkids program their tv remotes. I’m going out on a limb and saying they’re probably not up on the latest internet security measures. On the plus, I doubt anyone’s trying to hack Window 98, so we should be fine.

– Crazed Girls Flood Parkland Shooter Nicholas Cruz With Money, Suggestive Pictures

Aha! I found it! The elusive “starting point” we’ve been searching for in the gun control debate. Let’s start banning people who send love letters to mass murders from ever owning a firearm. See how easy it is when you break it down to basics?

– Malala Yousafzai Returns To Pakistan for the First Time Since Shooting

This is the young woman who was shot in the head for going against sharia custom and promoting education for woman and girls. And then KEPT FIGHTING FOR IT. Just a little perspective for those who feel “persecuted” just because someone disagrees with them. An argument isn’t persecution. Getting shot in the fucking head for your belief is. There’s a difference, folks, and it matters.

– The Military Can’t Build Trump’s Wall. Here’s Why He Keeps Saying They Will.

Whaaa?? Why would he think they would? They aren’t contractors. Doesn’t Trump know what the military is supposed to do?

…oh. My. God. I don’t think he does. Holy shit. Guys, we’re in a lot deeper than I thought.

– Analysis: Trump’s Cabinet Ranked By How Likely They Are To Get Fired

I want to get pissed, but really, this is probably the best way to assess Trump’s cabinet.

– Trump Says Work On Border Wall Starts Monday. It Doesn’t.

I’m ready to disconnect from society and be the local legend recluse who comes down from the hills once a month to pick up my mail and buy an abnormally large quantity of sunflower seeds and orange soda. Who’s with me?

– Destructive Beetle Found in Albany Pine Bush Preserve

Dammit Ringo not again. #GetBackInYourCage

– Cabbies Lay Down Caskets In Protest of City’s Taxi Rules

…I am so confused right now…

– Trafficker Used Drug Money to Buy Cake Decorated With Gold

THAT. MONSTER.

– Clinton: No One Told A Man Who Lost To Shut Up

The hell they didn’t. ANYONE who bitches and moans about a loss this far out gets criticized, and it has absolutely nothing to do with genitalia. SHUT. UP.

…full disclosure, I was bummed Hillary didn’t win…not because I wanted her in office, but because I am vehemently opposed to Trump. She didn’t lose because she’s a woman. She lost because she’s tone deaf to what the country wants, has a history of contradictions between what she says on the podium and what she allows and ignores in her everyday life, and failed to address the electoral college during her campaign. Did Trump have help from Russia? Oh yeah, I’m positive he did. But that’s not what Hillary’s saying, is it? She’s not calling out any bad acts…she’s saying she lost because she is a woman. If she was a better candidate, I think she would have won, no matter how much help Russia threw Trump. So, once again, Hillary, shut up. You’re making women look bad. #TrueStory

– Martha Stewart Shares Va-va-voomy Pic

Ew what? No. NO. NOOOO!

– Passengers Freak Out Due To An Ant Infestation On Their Plane

I’m sick of these muthafuckin’ ants on this muthafuckin’ plane!

…what did you expect? The sequel is never as good as the original.

– Understaffed Office That Vets Trump Employees Plagued By Inexperience

I don’t have enough sarcasm to tackle this one adequately.

– Priest Accused of Embezzling $5M From Church For Lavish Estate

The pope literally sits on a gold-covered toilet. I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard feeling bad for the church here.

– Texas Bomb Squad Makes Egg Hunt For Visually Impaired Kids

“BETHIE NO! DO NOT SAY IT!”

…*presses lips together tightly*

…*repeats calming mantra until urge to blurt out bad joke passes*

Thanks for having my back.

“Anytime.”

You know it would have been hilarious, though, right?

– Art Dealer Accused of Drug-fueled Acts With Lobsters At Parties

Periodically through this day of festivities and/or trickery, I want you to stop and just think about this one question:

How did he get a lobster to do a line of coke in the first place?

I think we all deserve to know.

Thus concludes a Headlinestravaganza for Easter/Fool’s 2018. I’m off to chart out the logistics of crustacean drug habits to try and make sense of this crazy mixed up world. May your hams and lambs be juicy, and your donuts be filled with actual Bavarian cream and not mayonnaise. Everyone have a safe and happy day!

What an odd twist to an ordinary day…

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Mornin’ all.

Are you guys ready for a bit of intrigue?

Yesterday started as an ordinary day. I did my shift, made some sick ass Valentine’s Day cakes, contributed to the fond memories of three birthday parties in the greater metropolis area. You know. As ya do. Grabbed some groceries at the end of the work day, called salutations to a coworker who was sitting on a bench, then I made my way down to my car. As I approached, I noticed a bright Red Envelope tucked under my windshield wiper.

So it began.

At first, I wondered if my man placed it there, but almost immediately dismissed the idea. Not his style, folks. His MO of romantic surprise is to hand me a new power tool when I walk through the door, saying, “I got you something but I promise it was on sale!”

True story.

I put the groceries in the car and fired the beastie up. It’s winter still, and a 35 year old diesel can’t be expected to shift into high gear without a bit of a warm up. Hey, who can, amiright? I topped off the blue squirty juice in the windshield wiper fluid reservoir, all the while side eyeing the Red Envelope.

It has a heart on the front. Written in Sharpie, it’s not your standard heart. It’s got a straight line on the left, then the round heartiness of it at the top is sort of off centered, as if someone turned the letter “B” into a heart.

Slamming the hood with all the gusto a 35 year old hood latch requires, I grabbed the Red Envelope, got into the car, and then began an evening of intrigued wonder.

Inside there was a card. No cheap thing, either. A genuine Hallmark, with glitter flowers and cursive and hearts. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” it says on the front. I opened it up and a gift card and coupon booklet fell out. $25 to Chili’s and a coupon book from Friendly’s.

The mystery deepened. Actual money was invested.

“Who’s it from, Bethie?” you ask as you lean forward in your seat and munch your popcorn.

I don’t know. That’s why it’s a mystery. Aside from the “Hope good things bloom for you all day long,” stamped message from Hallmark, there’s a handwritten note.

“I hope you have a great day and enjoy a meal on me. -Cupid”

But wait, there’s more!

“P.S.- No strings just my good deed for the day.” With a smiley face.

Who is this Cupid?

Is it someone at work? I don’t recognize the handwriting, but I have not seen the handwriting of the majority of my coworkers. Is it a rando, someone spending their day imparting unexpected sunshine with an altruistic version of “Eenie Meenie Minie Mo?”

I have been driving myself nuts all night wondering. Analyzing. Guessing. Obsessing.

Someone put actual money into it. Whether a rando or a coworker, someone spent their own cash to brighten my day.

…or make me crazy.

Either way, well played, Cupid. I thank you, whoever you are.

I will say this…it took the edge off the winter blues for a bit. I’ve been going stir crazy the last week or so. I have a plasma cutter. A MUTHAFLIPPIN’ PLASMA CUTTER just sitting new in its box, waiting to be taken out to the back deck and used as a tool of simultaneous destruction and creation. And yet, the back deck is rudely covered in ice.

Fun fact: You can’t use a plasma cutter when you’re standing in or on water. It’s generally viewed as a very bad plan.

*sigh*

There’s a bottling up that happens when I don’t get to make things. It’s like when you try to stifle a yawn. There’s a tingle of frustration, a physical feeling that something is trying to push its way out, a building explosion that makes my hands long for the grip of a screwdriver and the vibration of a side grinder.

Are you a creative type? Do you understand what I’m talking about?

Maybe non-creative types get the same twitch when they don’t get to balance a checkbook or make a spread sheet for a few months. Maybe their hands itch for the sleek smoothness of a TI-84, and the smell of pencil shavings and graph paper in the morning air.

I gotta make something, folks. The cake decorating really helps, especially in the winter, but it’s just not the same as fusing hot metal together in the sunshine. I want to MAKE something. Really make something, with hands and sweat and swearing and grease and flux and sparks…and satisfaction.

Damn winter. Pfft.

I need another pick me up. How about I do something I’ve been saying I’d do, hm? Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Cue the dancers, fire up the band, because it’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

I’ve been gathering these headlines for about a month now. Some are good, some are pretty shit. But you know what? I hit “save” after I added them to the list for a reason, and I’m running with it.

You all know how this works. I snag a headline that grabs my attention, then present them to you with my deep and thoughtful insight.

…or sarcasm. Sometimes might be just a bit of sarcasm.

As always, I give you the headlines as written, in all their, um…shining glory? Yeah, we’ll go with shining glory. That card has made me feel a bit generous myself today. Ready? Then let’s do this.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

THEY HAVE FLYING TRUCKS IN BOSTON!??! Way to bury the lead, IBT.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

I don’t know what anyone was expecting. If they can’t drive properly on the ground, what makes you think a Masshole can do better in air? *ducks wicked fast tomato thrown from across the border* *fistbump my NH natives*

– Missle-alert Error Reveals Uncertainty About How To React

Wait. You mean that in a terrifying emergency with absolutely zero follow up instruction, people weren’t sure what to do? Huh. Odd.

– Hawaii Worker Who Pushed Button Reassigned After Bungled Emergency Alert

Yeaaahhh. Imma say that’s fair.

– Relatives of Martin Luther King, Jr. Critique President Trump

*crash* *scramble* *shuffle* Sorry. I wasn’t prepared for that gobsmacking breaking news feed and fell clean outta my chair. Just stunned here, folks. Give me a second to mop up the spilled coffee and come to terms with this new reality we find ourselves experiencing.

*deep, calming breath*

Okay. It’s real. It happened. We can’t take it back, just have to move forward. We can continue.

– Lawsuit: Surgeon at VA Hospital Left Scalpel in Patient for 4 Years

Did he? Or did the patient abscond with then conceal government property for four years in what he considered to be the perfect crime? Discuss.

– Statue Honoring National Anthem Found Sprayed With Red Paint

…we have a statute…honoring…a fucking song? #’Merica

– New Mexico Gun Shop’s MLK Day Ad Stirs Controversy

Top tip: If you own a gun shop, there are a few national holidays and days of observation that you probably don’t want to “celebrate” with a sale. MLK Day, Lincoln’s birthday, 9/11… Just calm yer tits and let the day pass. #HowToSucceedInBusiness

– Trump Comments, Infuriating Africans, May Set Back US Interests

As the kiddies say, Africa…I know the feels.

– Japanese City On Alert for Deadly Blowfish

*** BLOWFISH THREAT INBOUND TO JAPAN. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ***

– Crisis Continues for Rohingya Muslims Languishing At Refugee Camps

Okay, I’m torn here. On the one hand, the situation with the Rohingya is not at all something to take lightly. If you are uninformed, Google, then get outraged. However, I feel like I have to take a second to applaud the old school wording of this headline. When was the last time you read “languishing” outside of a romance novel? Good form, CBS.

– Palestinian Leaders Urge Abbas to Withdraw Recognition of Israel

Uh, guys? Pretending Israel isn’t a thing won’t really get you anywhere…

– North Korea Scoffs at Trump’s “Nuclear Button”

Guaranteed this headline sparked a next level Rule 34. Google at your own risk. Remember, kids…what has been seen cannot be unseen.

– Hero Dog That Served in WWII Gets Posthumous Medal

Why. No, I really mean it. WHY? Who is this medal for, exactly? What purpose does this expenditure serve? Will it inspire puppies around the nation to sign up for service?

“Bethie, it’ll tell people in the future that we cared about the animals that served.”

We care about the animals we force to participate in wars they didn’t start, have zero control over, and will not benefit from the outcome in any way? Really?

“…*crickets*…”

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

– NH Mom Delivers Her Own Baby in Target Parking Lot

603 HARDCORE. #NHTough

– Syrian Boy Was Seen Gazing Into A Gym, Now He’s A Lifetime Member

This was in the “Good News” section. I guess it’s good news? I mean, it *is* uplifting.

No. I will not apologize for puns. It’s 2018. Welcome to the new world order.

– Man Resolves to Play Catch With Someone New Every Day in 2018

Um. You doin’ okay over there, Good News? Because you seem to really be stretching for these articles…

– 2017 Was A Record Year For Organ Donations

…yes, but let’s consider the flip side of this headline for a sec.

– Single Dad Who Looked For Kidney At Disney World Finds Match

I’m done. I’m done with Good News. They done lost their friggin’ minds.

– DIY Network Apologizes for Series After Star’s On-Air Anti-Semetic Slur

They filmed her asking if someone was going to “bicker” with her a bit and “Jew” her down. First, it’s dicker, you dumbass. Dicker, not bicker. Second, how sincere could this apology possibly be when the show filmed it, edited it, and approved it for air? They’re not sorry. They’re just sorry people were pissed. I know in this crazy world of social media, facts get jumbled. But, being sorry for the action and being sorry about the reaction are two totally different things.

– Crowd Mocks Grunting Tennis Player at Australian Open

*snort* I mean, boo. Not nice. Don’t do that ‘n shit. *snicker*

– Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Won’t Be Inviting This Person to Wedding

Me. It’s me. I won’t be invited. *sniff* It’s fine, really. I’ll probably be invited to something even better that night anyway.

– Proposal Would Widen Permissible Use of Nuclear Arms

WHOA now WHAT? Can I get a “HELL NO?”

– Americans Should Be “Sober” About Chance of Conflict With N. Korea: Tillerson

Hang on now. You’re talking about “widening permissible use of nuclear arms.” Our overall state of mind created utter panic when an accidental warning message was broadcast. People are literally begging the Poopypants In Chief to sit down, shut up, and let the grown ups run the country again because he won’t stop taunting a psycho. If we were any more sober, we’d be a walking Folger’s ad!

– Dems Flip Wisconsin State Senate Seat

You know what? With the state of politics right now, I can’t really pick on them for trying a bit of feng shui. Top tip: move the Rep. seats into the hallway for even better zen.

– The Latest: Ice Keeps Some Texas Schools Closed

You know the pisser about this headline? I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual weather or immigration enforcement squads. It’s Texas. Which is more likely?

– Japan Government Tells Broadcaster Not To Repeat False Missile Alert

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BLOWFISH??!! Are they covering that up, too?!?

– Man Tries To Board Flight Wearing Everything He Packed, Gets The Boot

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have worn the fleshlight as a necklace. Think it pushed things over the edge.

– Camel Beauty Pageant Kicks Out 12 Animals for Botox

If you ever feel like your life isn’t going so hot, just remember that somewhere in the world, 12 camel owners wanted their camels to win a fucking beauty pageant so badly that they injected beasts of burden with botox. Puts forgetting to buy milk after work into perspective, eh?

– How A Dunkin’ Donuts Bag of Cash Led to Mayor’s Downfall

A bag of cash?? I’ve never once gotten anything but heartburn from DD! (I’d just like to point out that I avoided an “America runs on Dunkin’” politics pun. It might be 2018’s new world order, but I do still have a heart. You’re welcome.)

– Allen’s Next Movie May Never See the Light of Day

GOOD. Here’s a dude who MARRIED HIS OWN DAUGHTER. Is it really a stretch to think he may have done something with his other daughter? REALLY??

– Can’t Stand the Sound of Someone Chewing? Here’s Why.
Because it’s gross to hear the slurping and snarfling of you inhaling potato salad, Tina. Shit. Chew with your mouth shut already. #FuckingTina

– Newborn Baby Bear Cubs Found In Dumpster

I don’t know why you conservatives are surprised. That’s what’s going to happen when you cut funding for contraceptives while simultaneously promoting an abstinence only policy in schools. What do you expect these young mothers to do? #PillForBears

– Wade Admits Lebron Caught Him Watching Heat

I don’t blame him for being embarrassed. That movie sucked.

– Trump Accuses Democrats of Playing Politics With Memo

…but…I mean…that’s their job. Politics. That’s why they’re called politicians. IT’S RIGHT IN THEIR TITLE. My god he’s so damn stupid.

– Never Make These Mistakes When Frying An Egg

You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. #MyBreakfastMyLife

– High School Science Fair Project Questioning the IQ of African Americans Sparks Outrage

Honestly, exactly what the headline said. A kid did an entire science project based on his assertion that Africans, African Americans, Southeast Asians, and South Americans have a lower IQ, which is why they are not well represented in elite academic programs around the US. I just have to bring something up that wasn’t addressed in the articles I read covering the story. I did my fair share of science projects. Normally, the idea is passed by a teacher, and the project has teacher oversight through the course of preparation. Are they really expecting us to believe that no one on a supervisory level had any idea this kid was going to publicly present this project? Seriously? My eyebrow will remain dubiously quirked until the blame is shared by ALL involved.

– Olympics Unite Koreas for First Time In 65 Years, But Will It Spark Real Change?

Hm, good question…

– Seoul Protesters Burn North Korea Flag Before Concert

…aaand we can put that question to rest.

– Man Brings Wife’s Ashes to Eagles Parade: “She Was A Diehard Fan”

Oh boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. You know what? This will be our DIY headline. Insert your own joke.

– Oklahoma Woman Gets Reduced Sentence After Getting Sterilized, Per Judge’s Request

No. No no no no no. NO. This on infuriates me. It’s wrong on every single level. A judge has no right to dangle a lighter sentence over someone’s head if they get sterilized. It’s barbaric. It goes against everything we should be standing for as a nation: freedom and justice. This one move eradicates both. He used his power of authority to pressure someone in a tenuous position into following his personal beliefs. At the same time, this woman didn’t end up paying for the crimes she committed. There is no freedom in this act. There is no justice. This better not become the norm. I don’t want to live in North Korea.

– Trump Still Pushing For Tank Parade In Spite of Lack of Support

What part of “I don’t want to live in North Korea” are these asshats not understanding?!

– Hammer-wielding Man Attempts To Rob Intrepid Museum Gift Shop

The thought process that must have transpired before this crime is staggeringly entertaining to imagine.

– “Moody” Female Show Dogs Don’t Get Same Opportunities As Males

Did…did they just…but…they’re…DOGS…

I’m trying, but it’s physically impossible to sigh hard enough to express the proper level of exasperation. It’s making me light headed.

– OxyContin Maker Will Stop Promoting Opiods To Doctors

So now I’m not only lightheaded from the exasperated sighing, but I’ve developed a spasm from rolling my eyes too hard. I can’t quit on this note. I came here to find distracting chuckles, not knuckleheads furthering the annoyance. Come on, news. You gotta give me SOMETHING…

– Charities Warned After Oxfam Haiti Prostitute Charges

I can think of a missionary position joke…but should I? I need something better…

– Scientists Put 3D Glasses on Praying Mantises

Admittedly amusing, but not meaty enough…

– How Speed Skaters Go So Dang Fast

Gee willikers it’s getting better in a hip hurry…

– Observatory Spots Elon Musk’s Roadster Zooming Through Space

And here it is! We have a winner!

A guy put a test dummy in a muthaflippin’ convertible so it could blissfully zoom through space. One day, an alien may just find that car with that dummy. Can you imagine the absolute confusion if THAT is our first contact???

I found my happy thought for the day.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Sunday, February 11, 2018. Seriously, if anyone reading this knows who Cupid is, lemme know. I keep eyeballing the Red Envelope and wondering….

It is never a good sign when your fingers sweat from typing…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Sorry it’s been awhile. It’s been a whirlwind few weeks here filled with…well, life. Stuff. Cleaning, which I mostly got around to, btw. Visitors. Car repairs. Work. Kitties.

Yes, that’s plural on the cats.

No, we did not get another.

We decided to let a buddy bring a guest kitty with him to stay the week. We’ve been sort of thinking of getting our little fur devil a companion, or, if not a companion, maybe her own minion. The teens are growing and spreading their wings more and more away from the house, and we aren’t the only ones to notice. I don’t want my fluffy little buddy to be lonely.

Before we got another four legged tornado, we thought it would be a good idea to introduce her to a guest and see how things go. She’s been flying solo most of her life. We got her as a stray teenage cat, and she’s been the sole recipient of the pettin’ and snugglin’ and furball lovin’ since. We figured having our pal bring his cat along when he visited was a good way to test the waters.

“*snicker*”

Stop it. You stop laughing at me right now! Okay, in hindsight, that does seem a little naive. But cut me some slack. This is my first cat. Well, almost my first. When we were kids, we had a cat for a hot minute before Tommy decided to pack his shit and live a hobo’s life. I have only two memories of him. That’s it. That’s how little he was actually in my life. For all intents and purposes, Zelda is my first cat.

How was I supposed to know that the internet videos of two kitties peacefully basking in the morning sun in a fluffy heap together are staged lies by the Illuminati designed to con people into getting a second cat, thus ensuring that they never get a full night’s sleep as part of a devious plot to turn the populace into mind-numbed zombies ripe for advantage-taking when they’re too bone-weary to notice the androids taking control of the government and funneling taxes to a secret project that will cripple the global economy and enslave us to the New World Order??

Follow the bread crumbs, sheeple.

ANYWAY, I went into the endeavor with rose colored glasses that quickly cracked. In short, it was not smooth sailing and sunshine cuddling, and now I’m dubious about getting a second kitty.

It wasn’t horrid. No one got hurt. Mine hissed and growled, but never even took a swipe or nip at the other. It seemed to almost be just a show. By the end of the week, they were sitting near each other…unless a human walked into the room. It might have been a game to them at that point. We caught them several times just being chill near each other, until they noticed that they were being watched. My new theory is that watching two cats peacefully co-exist is their “go” button. It’s the Wile E. Coyote syndrome. As soon as a situation is observed, things must go awry.

I dunno. My guy has owned cats all his life, and he thinks things went fairly well. A second fluff might not be totally off the table. Maybe a little kitten? Maybe she’d adopt it. She is very motherly to our youngest pup. And Zelda is a very little cat, while the cat who visited was not. Friendly and playful and cute as hell, but not at all little. Perhaps that was a factor in play?

I think I have to do something. In a month, two more teens will graduate high school. Then we’ve got one more brief summer and they’ll be gone, too.

Sidenote: Have any of you finished that time machine I asked you to make? Anyone?? Because I’m about a month away from REALLY needing it. It doesn’t have to jump me back very far. A year or so should do. Just make sure that I can set it to repeat the jump multiple times so my boyos won’t all leave me. Blip me an email when it’s ready and we’ll work out shipping. K, thnx.

Four days ago, it was 40 degrees here. Wet and drizzly all day, with a heavy snow in the hills and slightly north. I couldn’t believe it when I saw snow on the small hill I pass on the way into The Big City to run errands on Sunday. It was bad enough that we had a seasoned vet of NH roads call out of work at the bakery because she kept going off the road. We were a bit dubious until we saw the pictures. It was a real snowstorm.

Yesterday, it topped out at 89 degrees here. Today is supposed to be well into the 90s and humid as hell.

Mother Nature. Real talk now. Girl, what the fuck?

It’s got that heavy, languid feeling to the air this morning, too, so I know the local weather man wasn’t just blowing smoke up our asses again. It’s odd having this type of weather this early. Usually these morbidly oppressive days hit when the heat of summer has wrought its peril on everything green and vibrant. This year, it’s come when the leaves have freshly burst open, when the blossoms are still fragrantly stretching for the early season skies. Instead of trapping in the smell of hot tar and baked dirt and overheating cars, the blanket of humidity is allowing the scents of lilacs and apple blossoms and wet earth and sweet greens to linger heavily in the morning fog. It’s not at all unpleasant.

…yet.

I mean, come on. Today’s supposed to be in the 90s? Are you kidding me!? I wasn’t planning to sweat my balls off for at least another month. UGH. But, at least it smells nice.

Say, you know what this morning needs?

“More coffee?”

Well, yes. That’s always a given. But aside from copious amounts of caffeine, I think we’re missing something to put a little pep in our sweaty ass step. I think we should cue up the band and call the go go dancers, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

“WAIT!”

…what?

“Don’t make the poor dancers perform in this heat.”

Dude, they’re pros. They can handle it. They’ve been training in Florida in the off season.

“But…”

Trust me. They’ve got this. Ladies, to the stage please? Okay, let’s try this again. And a one, and a two…

It’s time for our…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

See? They handled it beautifully. Thank you, dancers. Now everyone go sit in the air conditioned green room and drink plenty of water.

It may be hot as hell, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find things to laugh at, right? For any newbs in the audience, we do a Roundup when I see enough headlines that make me chuckle, rage click, or roll my eyes. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just plain idiotic. Mostly, though, I choose ones that bring out a gut reaction my narcissism urges me to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real from actual online news sites. I just make up the snide comments after. Everyone on the same page? Then let’s get to it.

– He Said Making A Man Get Maternity Insurance Was Crazy. Her Response Went Viral

No One Needs To Know Names. We’re Just Making Shit Up Anyway

– Cromartie’s Wife Pregnant With His 14th Child

He’s an NFL player, not a religious nutbag with a hit TLC show or anything. He’s not building an army for his god, he’s just horny, so it’s okay to scorn him. Let’s do it together on the count of three. One. Two… Boo. Boo. Hiss. #DoubleStandardsCanBeFun

– Osama bin Laden’s Son Calls For Revenge, Attacks On US

Boy, did NOT see this one coming. The bin Laden’s seem like such a peaceable family.

– School District Pulls Suicide Book ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’

…thus missing the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of the book. A problem can’t get better unless we address it, folks. Just sayin’.

– Health Insurers Bilked Medicare, A Whistle-Blower Says

Was a whistle-blower really necessary in this scenario?

– Leading Neo-Nazi Website Courts new Readers…In Spanish

Phew, what a relief it must be to…

“BETHIE STOP! I think you need an internet guideline refresher before you say something that’ll haunt you forever.”

But it’s just a joke.

“This is the internet. There is no such thing as a joke anymore.”

No, that doesn’t sound right. I’m sure I’ve read funny…

“Just look in the book.”

*sigh* Fine. Hang on a second, everyone. *scrambles through the public blogging handbook* *nods sagely before slamming book shut* Sorry, folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties with this punchline. Unfortunately we must cancel this bit. Please move on to the next entry and pretend this never happened.

– ‘Shoot Me,’ Armed Man Told Cop. He Didn’t, And was Fired, Suit Says

Now THAT is how you write clickbait! Take notes, Huff Po.

– Trump’s Travel Bans Spook Some Students, Fan Fears of Broader Chill

…huh? Are you stroking out over there, Reuters? Should we call someone?

– ACLU Calls For End of Neck Holds After Vegas Man’s Death

Neck holds? They’re legal!? *madly googles* OH. It’s just a choke hold with a nicer name. Damn. I was seriously hoping that Vulcan death grips were actually legal somewhere. Just another boring story of police tactics. Bleh. Move on.

– Man Carrying Mother’s Severed Head Stabs Store Worker

I feel like the real story here isn’t so much the stabbing. Perhaps a better way to write the headline would have been, “Store Worker Lucky He was Only Stabbed and Not FUCKING BEHEADED Like Assailant’s Poor Mother”. Gives a bit more punch. You can have that tip for free, USA Today.

– NASA Solves Flash Light Mystery

Turns out they put the batteries in the wrong direction. $4.8 million well spent!

– Doc Suspended For Doing Liposuction In Barn

With a glob glob here and a slurp slurp there…here a nip….there a tuck….everywhere a liposuck…Old McDonald had a farm, eeigh eeigh ohhhh…

– Hackers Linked to Ransomware Threaten ‘Wine of the Month’ Style Attack

We’ll do it. We’ll send you a 2013 Cloudy Bay sauvignon blanc and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We are united. We are strong. #EndingThisJokeBeforeIPissOffAnnonymous

– ‘White Identity Politics’ is Keeping Trump’s Downfall At Bay, Academic Says

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. It’s extraordinarily difficult to impeach a president. We can’t just say “oops, we goofed, our bad” and kick him out. There are certain lines he must cross, and we need rock solid evidence that he has done so. After that, there’s an arduous process of hearings and senatorial votes and recounts and rebuttals… It is totally unreasonable to expect that he would have been impeached already. There are myriad reasons why Trump is still in office, and the very least of them has anything to do with ethnicity, you race baiting ass!

– 7 Creepy McDonald’s Figures You Forgot Existed

I buried those memories for a reason. Leave me in my happy place and stop trying to trigger me.

– ‘People Got To Eat’- Heroic Pizza Guy Delivers to Stalled Train

Heroic. HEROIC. He delivered pizza. That’s literally the very thing he’s paid to do. How in the holy hell is that HEROIC!? GAH

– ‘Cat Man of Aleppo’ Forced To Start Again- From Scratch

This was in the “Good News- News To Brighten Your Day” section. I’m beginning to think the media might be a bit jaded…

– Alex Jones Says He Mischaracterized Chobani Yogurt Factory

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have called it “the place where they make that nasty white shit.” His bad.

– Adults Brawl At High School Graduation Ceremony

The ceremony was being held in a church, too. Keepin’ it classy, Tennessee.

– Nearly 400 Birds Fly Into Texas Skyscraper and Die

Boy, the Taliban sure is…

“BETHIE.”

Oh. Right. Handbook. Uh, poor birdies, am I right? Golly gee that’s too bad.

– Emergency Landing for JetBlue Flight That Hit Bird

Way to go JetBlue! That’s one more terrorist out of commission!

…what? Don’t look at me like that. I can take scorn. I can take disgust. But when you turn the disappointed eyes my way, it cuts, man. It cuts deep.

– Any Half-Decent Hacker Could Break Into Mar-a-Lago

OMG. Did…did the press just taunt hackers into trying to break into the stupidly named vacation spot of the pres??

– New Baylor Lawsuit Alleges Rape Video, Dog Fighting

WHAT? Dog fighting?? I mean, yeah, there was the rape, blah blah…but dog fighting!? Now it’s gotten serious. That, sir, is beyond the pale! Someone must stop these universities from abusing dogs!

“Uh…what about the raping?”

Didn’t you get the memo that folks don’t care so much about that part? Let’s fight the battles we can win. #OfCOURSEI’mBeingSarcastic.Shit.

– Dutch King’s Secret Flights As Co-pilot

I think someone has an unhealthy obsession with Disney’s Aladdin…

– Talks On Airplane Laptop Ban End With No Ban, More Talks

Anyone who’s ever sat in on a planning session at work could tell you how this was going to turn out. Bet they were only there for the free bagels anyway.

– Putin Says He Can Prove Trump Did Not Share Secrets

“Look at this email Don gave me. It says nothing about secrets.” “Uh, Vlad? That’s dated this morning.” “Da.” “And it’s from your other email account.” “Da.” “…but…” *Putin slowly lifts syringe into view* “Proof, da?” *special agent gulps* “Oh. Uh, right. Heh. Heh. Boy, look at that. Good enough for me, boys. Rock solid.”

– Report: Trump Aides Had At Least 18 Exchanges With Russians

You’d think that…

*Vlad slowly raises syringe into view*

…Look at this fake news. Isn’t it fake.

*Vlad wiggles syringe*

Fake fake fakeity fake. Sure is fake.

*Vlad nods, starts to walk away*

Just kidding it’s totally real and there’s nothing they can do to shut me up!

*Vlad stops, slowly turns* “Vat?”

Nothing. Oh, hey, look. A headline about Austria!

*Vlad stares for a minute before shrugging and walking away*

Oy vey. That was close.

– Austrian Parliament Passes Burqa Ban

I’m not going to pretend to understand the complexities of the recent influx of refugees to Europe and what it is doing to their society. I will say, though, that the way to incorporate a different people into your society isn’t by banning the things that are important to them which in no way harm other people. If the burqa is banned, the nun’s coif should be as well. Or the mandatory dresses the women of certain Christian sects must wear. Or a priest’s collar. I feel that they’re going down a slippery slope here, I really do. No jokes. Just food for thought.

– Lucky Charms Giving Away Marshmallow-Only Boxes

After years of claiming to be any sort of healthy breakfast, I’m actually okay with them saying “FUCK IT let’s not even pretend anymore.” It’s refreshing.

– Perfect Strangers Swap Kindness…and A Kidney

The DIY channel is really reaching with their new fixer upper line up.

– Youngest-ever Texas Christian Grad Says He Has No Regrets

Well why would you think he did?? “I’m super smart and setting records and got a free ride doing it. Boy, if I could go back in time, I’d fail a few tests here or there, make life more of a struggle for myself.” Is that what you were expecting, Fox News? What a stupid waste of bytes.

– Republicans Worry Trump Scandals May Doom Legislative Agenda

That is some deep poli-sci shit right there.

– Federal Investigators Head to Deadly Jet Crash Site

“Field trip!” “Damnit, Jeffrey! Calm down! You are a federal investigator on a very serious and important case.” “Ooh! Can we stop at McDonald’s?” “No, Geena, we cannot stop at McDonald’s. We will go straight to the crash site and…” “I want a Frosty!” “CARL!” “That’s Wendy’s, you idiot.” “WILL YOU ALL SIT DOWN AND ACT LIKE PROFESSIONALS?” *crickets**crickets* “Um, Mr. Special Agent in charge? I think I’m gonna be car sick…”

I guess a field trip will always be a field trip, no matter how old you are.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Thursday, May 18, 2017. Good luck to everyone battling the early season heat wave. I didn’t dare put away my heater for the summer, but I’ve also installed the a/c. Ah, life in NH…

Who the hell invited Stella!?

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Mornin’ all.

So here’s the thing. Two weeks ago, it was 65. Sunny. T-shirts were dusted off and donned by the citizens of the area eager to let the door hit Winter in its ass on the way out.

Of course, spaghetti strap tank tops that stop way too short and hot pants that would have been better off left on the store shelf also came into play. Can’t have a warm day without a few folks stuffing themselves into knit wear that’s probably silently weeping the whole time.

“Bethie! Are you fat shaming?”

No. I am refusal-to-wear-the-proper-sized-clothing shaming. They make clothes in different sizes for a reason. If wearing your clothes tests the physical limits of thread, you should wear a bigger size. If your feet turn purple because your hot pants are cutting off your circulation, you should wear a bigger size. If you need “someone to pull it up while I suck it in” to get any part of it zipped, you should probably go ahead and wear a bigger size.

Trust me. You’ll feel better. You’ll look better. Stop obsessing over the number and just wear what actually fits.

Anyway, we were all enjoying the laid back intro to spring, when Mother Nature said, “Psych.”

Winter storm Stella. They have named my enemy. Supposed to be a real nasty piece of work, too. They’re talking potential FEET of snow. In mid March. Not unprecedented by any means, but not a common occurrence. March snow tends to be a few inches of heavy, wet stuff that melts away in a day or two. This one? This one’s gonna take a bit longer.

It has put me in a funk. I am vexed. *slurps coffee* And the coffee’s not doing all that much to help, if I’m going to be honest. I woke up with heart burn and didn’t want to make it worse, so I watered down the usual varnish. Just doesn’t have the normal kick in the ass my body has come to expect.

Maybe I’ll grab a fresh cup, full strength, and just do a Pepto chaser.

“Ew.”

Snowstorm. Heartburn. And my cat shredded a whole roll of tp in the night. I gotta get this shit turned around. I still have to work, and you can’t make a nice cake when you’re pissy. Hm. What can we do to make this day better?

*whisper from off stage*

Hang on a sec. One of my go-go dancers is trying to get my attention.

*whispers**muttering**sound of a guitar tuning echoes through the quiet living room*

I’m back, and I have a plan. *achem* Oh, yeah, sorry. WE have a plan. *waves finger* Cue the go-go dancers and fire up the catchy theme music, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

* * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Let’s thank the dancers for their most excellent idea! And while we’re at it, give a hand to the band. They totally nailed that intro.

Yes, it’s a Roundup. We haven’t done one in awhile, so for any newbs out there, here’s the deal: News is stupid. Often the headlines reflect the idiocy. I scour the internet news sites looking for tidbits that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing, and sometimes they just put an image in my head that I must share. The headlines are always 100% real. I just supply the heartburn-fueled snarkiness after.

Up to speed? Good! Then let’s get right to it.

-Conway on Surveillance: We Have ‘Microwaves That Turn Into Cameras’

Oh no. Oh honey, no.

– Is Preet Bharara Trying To Tell Us Something?

I don’t know. Is Preet Bharara talking? Because if he is, then the answer is probably yes. #TheMoreYouKNow

– N. Korea Warns of ‘Merciless’ Strikes As U.S. Carrier Joins S. Korea Drills

Aw, whatsamatta Kim Jong? Did Donald Trump stealing the “Most Insane Ruler” championship belt hurt your feelings?

*sidenote: Can we please, PLEASE actually make that belt happen? I’m thinking huge, like a WWE belt, only not as classy.

“Not as…classy??”

You heard me. Make it happen.

– Florida Agency Puts Out A Want Ad For Python Killers

Is “python killer” slang? Is that…is that the female version of “pussy slayer?”

“BETHIE!”

In my defense, it’s Florida. It’s a fair question.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Of course not. There is an organized society of people who not only believe the earth is flat, but PUBLICALY believe the earth is flat. They’re so convinced that we live on a dinner plate that they SAY SO OUT LOUD. Of COURSE there are people who think we’re being spied on while we nuke our leftovers. Just make them all some tin foil hats and go about your lives.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Look, I’m not saying it’s not possible. I’m saying it’s inept. We don’t need to use microwaves to spy. We’ve got far better, more reliable, more controllable ways of spying on every aspect of our citizens lives. If the government wants to spy on you, they can. And they can do so much more efficiently than using microwaves. Someone’s reading old spy novels again. I think we need to enroll the White House in a book of the month club and get some modern day CIA action on their radar. Er, an audio book of the month club. At least then the conspiracy theories would be current.

– Harvey Still Has Bodyguards With Him After Flub

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Steve Harvey! Get over yourself. No one’s trying to kill you. It just didn’t matter all that much. Shit.

– Rubio Warns Snoop Dogg on Trump Video

…well there’s a headline I don’t think anyone expected.

– Rare Find Revisited: A Barn Full of ‘Birds’ 10 Years Later

I would like to think they are actual birds, because the thought of a documentarian being so desperate for a story that he goes back to a barn to film some damn pigeons 10 years later is dark humor I can get behind. The look on his face when he realizes they all died about 5 years ago would be film legend.

– Celeb Couples Who’ve Split in 2017

Awful early in the year to be pulling this one out. You’re wasting the best click bait. What the hell are you going to write about in November? You might actually have to report…news! *gasp*

– Ramirez’s Contract in Japan Has Some Hilarious Perks

…okay, I’ll bite. *reads* He gets a hotel room. He can opt out of practices in certain circumstances. He gets a car and driver. He has a meal budget. …and that’s it. Honestly, I can barely type through the laughter wracking my body.

– GM Has A Huge Supply of Unsold Cars

That’s called “inventory,” dear.

– Was Jane Austen Poisoned? New Evidence About the Writer’s Weakened Eyes Raises Questions

Holy shit, just the breakthrough Scotland Yard has been waiting for! Maybe they can finally arrest the guy. #JusticeForJane

– Europe Is Facing 4 Existential Tests. Can It Hold Together?

Oh, I know this one! Okay, Europe, when you get to the huge knot, just cut it. Saves so much time. #TopTip

– UK Cruise Ship Damages Pristine Indonesian Coral Reef

But the vacation pics Buffy and Skip got were totes worth it.

– WH Analysis Projects Bigger Health Care Coverage Gap than CBO

So what they’re talking about here is the Republican backed ACA health care replacement proposition. You know, the one that Trump ordered the Republicans to present? Yeah, now Trump is desperately trying to distance himself from the disgraceful piece of potential legislation. Think about that. It’s so bad that DONALD FUCKING TRUMP won’t even put his name on it. No jokes on this one. Please, PLEASE encourage your representatives to shoot this puppy down.

– Florida Girl Writes Letter To Burglar Who Targeted Her House

What a great way to get back at the burglar. I’m sure that she’ll read it and feel just awful about what she’s done. Then she’ll call you and tearfully apologize and you can meet up for coffee to allow her to cleanse herself by confessing and you can go about your life knowing that because of your letter, she will never burgle another house again, you noble crusader, you.

*heavy sigh*

– Facebook Bans Use of Its Data For Surveillance Tools

So, you know, don’t microwave popcorn when you’ve got the FB app open.

– Snaphash Is An Augmented Reality Weed Doctor For Your iPhone

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I just read.

– On Galapagos, Revealing the Blue-Footed Booby’s True Colors

Red. They dip their feet in blue paint just to screw with the scientists. Shh.

– How To Reset Your Body Clock For Daylight Saving Time

Don’t do it! Go rogue. #DamnTheMan

– The Controversial Campaign for Canada’s National Bird

Canada’s got a different set of criteria for what constitutes a controversy, don’t they?

– Boaty McBoatface Embarks on Its Maiden Voyage This Week

Remember the campaign to name the exploration submarine last year? Boaty McBoatface won the internet contest to name the serious, highly tuned scientific sub, but the society decided to choose a different, more respectable name. However, the pressure from the internet got too great and they have officially renamed the technological wonder Boaty McBoatface. Well done, internet. This makes me proud.

– Trump Has a New Rocket and Spaceship. Where Will He Go?

Where? Irrelevant. The only question is “WHEN?” #SendTrumpToMars.Personally.StuffHimIntoASpaceshipAndLaunchThatSucker

– The 50 Hottest Video Games You Shouldn’t Miss in 2017

They lead the article with the remastered Crash Bandicoot. The thumbnail is…Crash Bandicoot. The opening graphic is a still from…CRASH BANDICOOT. Are. You. KIDDING me?! Mass Effect: Andromeda? The Last Of Us 2? Red Dead 2? Breath of the FREAKIN’ WILD??? But no. NO. Crash. Bandicoot. Fistbump to all those who feel my outrage. #CRASH.BANDICOOT.REALLY!???

– John Cena Reveals Surprising Video Game Choice

Spoiler: it’s not Crash Fucking Bandicoot!

– Our Black Hole Has Been “Eating Snacks” For the Last 6 Million Years

Aaaand that’s it. I’m out. When you start talking about what you put in your black hole, it’s time to get off the internet.

Had to ruin it for everyone, didn’t you, IBT?

Thus concludes a quick Roundup for Pi Day, 2017. If there wasn’t a storm, the amount of puns at the bakery would get old. I guess that’s one thing to thank Stella for.

It’s a good thing she’s got a squiffy wiffy face…

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BREAKING NEEEWWWWWS

The 2017 color of the year has been announced!! Everyone ready? Could I get the band to give me a drumroll?

*ratatatatatatatatatatata…*

It’s….

“Greenery.”

Yep. Greenery. I’m told that’s a specific color. And not just ANY color; the 2017 Color of the Year. Be the envy of all your friends and show up to the New Year’s party in the cutting edge color…greenery.

Or, second choice, use literal greenery. I’d be okay with you showing up to ANY party in literal greenery. Slap some boughs across your bosom. Festoon your derriere with hemlock clippings. Roll around on the floor under your Christmas tree while wearing a fluffy sweater to repurpose those fallen needles. Really embrace the deep meaning and tradition of this completely real and not-at-all-made-up-because-they-were-running-out-of-choices color.

Don’t you feel better for being informed?

And…

Mornin’, all.

Sometimes a hard hitting news story usurps a salutation. That’s just the life of an ace reporter.

“Uh, Bethie? When did you become a reporter?”

Silly girl. Don’t you know ANYTHING about the world? I became a hard hitting news hound when I reported the color of the year. Apparently that’s all it takes these days to enter the fast paced, edge of your seat life of a journalist. So far no one’s shooting at me or threatening to sue, but I’m expecting my first cease and desist any day now.

Fear not. I won’t take this responsibility lightly. Unlike some reporters these days, I have principles. I wouldn’t DREAM of selling out my sources.

However, I have no qualms about mocking them relentlessly.

“Bethie! Are we doing…”

Uh, yeah. I mean, I was hinting pretty heavily. I already had the band ready. Just bring the go go dancers out…and cue the catchy theme music because it’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

It’s been a bit. It’s also 4:07 a.m. after I was woken up by a cat licking my nose, which is such an unsettling feeling that there was no way in hell I’d get back to sleep if I tried. Teen 2.0 decided to make coffee so strong that it literally hurt my teeth the first sip (True story from an ace reporter!), and the very first thing I read when I opened the portal to the internet pissed me off. So, in case you’ve ever wondered how things really work behind the scenes, all of that is agar on the sarcasm petri dish for me. I figure if I’m in a sarcastic mood, why waste it?

“Why indeed.”

So, for those who might not know, the internet is full of stupid news headlines. Hell, it’s full of stupidity in general, but you have to pick your battles, right? I look around the legit news sites and find the best of the worst headlines out there. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just flat out idiotic. Usually, though, they just evoke a reaction that my internal narcissist must share. As always, the headlines are presented to you as they appear. I simply supply the caustic commentary. Let’s dive in.

– Fake News and Lavish Parties: Teens Cash in on Empire of Lies

To be fair, one could replace “teens” with “politicians” and no one would be batting an eye. If you run a nation through lies and inequity, can you really expect a higher standard of behavior from the kids? #UncomfortableTruthIsStillTruth

– Addicted to Video Games: One Family’s Struggle to Save Their Son

Have you tried introducing him to meth and hookers? I hear those are popular teen alternatives to the demon vid-ya games.

– Polar Vortex is Coming: What it Means and How to Prepare

It means it’s fucking winter. Buy a coat. Shit.

– NASA Releases Images of Black Hole Eating Galaxy

Dude! Seriously?? Where’s the parental warning??? Remember when NASA didn’t have to resort to such tawdry tactics to hold the public’s interest? I’m starting a new campaign: The Only ‘G’ In Space Is The Rating. Let’s work together and bring back a family friendly NASA. #FamilyFriendlyNASA

– The Stinky Present One Homeowner Left Package Thief

Poop. You know it was poop. Everyone knows it was poop. Why does this article need to exist?

– The ‘American Dream’ is in Trouble

Oh wow, look at that! I thought the ‘No Shit Gazette’ had closed shop! Guess not. Nice to see a familiar face in my new journalistic journey.

– Dopplegangers Who Met 4 Years Ago Now Roommates

That is some ‘Single White Female’ shit right there.

– Test Your IQ: Take ‘USA Today’s’ Weekly Quiz

USA Today has an IQ quiz? I feel like that’s an oxymoron…

– Obama Orders Review of Russian Hacking

I’m on it. *achem* While the end result was what the programmer intended, the methodology was sloppy, lacked finesse, and had little refinement. I’ve seen better execution by Blizzard. 4.6 stars out of 10

– Giuliani Removes Himself from State Department Consideration

Bitch please. You got your ass fired.

– New Amherst College Mascot? 2,046 Suggestions Include Hooloovoo, Biddys, Fighting Poets, Ants, Amps, and Asparagus

*crosses fingers**whispers**Please let it be the Fighting Poets…Please oh please oh please…*

– Interfaith Event Against Hate Crimes Expects Large Turnout

Gee. No way this could possibly go awry.

– Rotterdam Police Arrest ‘Terror’ Suspect With Guns, Fireworks

“You got the timer right on that Roman candle array, Stan?” “Yes, sir!” “We got one shot at getting on COPS, and I don’t want a half assed timer blowing it.” “Ten four, sarg!” “Then get the guns and matches ready, boys. On the count of three…”

– Refrigerator Ruled Out As Cause of Fire That Killed 36 in Oakland

Initially suspicious because of its propensity to run, officers had no choice but to release the Model 117 Amana after surveillance footage clearly showed it never left the break room of the office complex next door.

– McCain: Tillerson’s Putin Ties a ‘Concern’

Tillerson’s? TILLERSON’S? Forget Tillerson. I’m personally a little more concerned with Trump’s Putin ties. Seems you kind of missed the bigger picture here, MSN.

– Finally the Truth Behind ‘M*A*S*H’ Revealed

I’ve been waiting 33 years for this very moment. *holds breath while the article loads* What? WHAT?? It’s nothing but CLICKBAIT??? WHYYYYYYY!!!!!?????….so….close….*sniff*…*rides off into the lonely sunset to continue the search for answers*

– Cat Tongues May Inspire New Wound-cleaning Technology

Mother of god no.

– An Alt-Right Makeover Shrouds the Swastikas

A Lawsuit-scared Media Shrouds the Nazis By Calling Them ‘Alt-Right’

– Artist Collective Residents Fear Crackdown After Oakland Fire

Uh…I think they missed the moral of the story…

– White Supremacists? Not Exactly, KKK and Other Groups Claim

Duh, they’re only “white nationalists”…folks who believe white people should be the ones in power, should never “mongrelize” their race, and should send those of other color and religions out of the country. We’re hurting their wittle bitty feelings by calling them “white supremacists.” So don’t do that. Instead, call them Nazis. All of them. Every chance you get. #A.Duck.Is.A.Muthafuckin’.Duck

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

I think we’ve already learned how lax inspectors are in Oakland.

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

…besides, do you even know how difficult it is to inspect a ghost ship? Every time you try to board, you fall right into the water.

– Spanish Civil War Ruins Offer Lesson on Cost of Conflict

Again, I feel the moral of a story has been lost. It takes a special kind of journalist to look over the headstones of the fallen men and women and think, “How can I best highlight the horrors of war? Hm…you know what? That building looks ugly with the bullet holes. OH MY GOD. Pulitzer, here I come!”

– That Old Rebel Group on a New Kidnapping Spree

Watch it, or those cheeky rapscallions will sneak in and steal your panties at night, girls!

– Fall of Aleppo Will Be a Pivotal Moment in Syrian War

Yes, but are the buildings okay???!!

– Judge Rejects Pimping Charges Against Escort Service Site

“Free membership for a year, you say?” The lawyer for the accused held the judge’s gaze, fighting to keep his composure and not allow himself a smirk of victory. As a seasoned attorney, he knew that look in the judge’s eye. He had him, hook, line, and sinker.

– Role Models? Parents Glued to Screens 9 Hours a Day

…*guiltily eyeballs screen*…*glances at clock*…*5:14? No one’s even awake yet? FUCK IT* *Triumphantly glues eyeballs back to the screen*

– Tiny Techies: Preschoolers Tackle Hour of Code

See?? SEE?? It’s not all bad to be a plugged in parent.

– Real Robots Fight a Virtual War in Your Own Living Room

Whose living room? Not mine! I told you I want no part of the robot uprising. #Not.Bowing.Down #No.Sheeple

– How a Goggles-wearing Parrot Aids Flying Robot Designs

Shit. They’re getting an air force now! #Still.Not.My.Overlords

– Scientists Manipulated Mice to Make Them Lose Track of Time

Scientists are dicks.

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

57!? That seems like a really specific amount of red flags. Did somebody at Redbook just get dumped? Hmmm??

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

…there were 7 of them about lying, and 5 about not wanting to meet/interact with her family. Yeah. Someone’s a tad bitter.

– Inflation is Finally Perking Up

Boy, I was just saying to my hubby last week that I am sure getting sick of paying a reasonable price for necessary goods. Can’t wait to empty the piggy bank just to buy milk!

– If Mom and Dad Can’t Afford it, Santa Shouldn’t Be Able to, Either

Who died and made you the financial gestapo? Stop telling Santa what to do with HIS money Commie.

– 9 Ways Your Sex Life Can Be Improved In Just One Day

Holy. Shit. Listen to this one: “6: Don’t let rejection be an option for either one of you.” No joke, that is legit what it says. Let that marinate for awhile. #DO.NOT.FOLLOW.THIS.ADVICE. #It’s.A.Felony

– Memphis Ties Homicide Record With Recent Killings

…uhhh…congratulations?

– $3 Gas A Gallon? Coming Soon

I’m not surprised. The price of gas has been going up steadily for a couple months now. Maybe that’s why they can’t afford a basic grammar lesson over at USA Today.

– Official Reinstated After Racist Remark

“We were on the fence about canning Nancy, but once she opened her mouth, we knew we had one of ours at the top,” said the Nazi KKK “alt-right” grand poobah from under his ridiculous dumb white cone head. #Alt-right.Are.NAZIS

– As U.S. Spy Chief, Fiorina to Support Backdoors

*gasp* NO. I’m STUNNED.

– Second Man in a Week Dies While Skiing at Killington, Vermont

Maybe they should have skied at Livington…

“Bethie!”

What?

– Ex-governor Michael Dukakis Endorses Campaign to Exonerate Ethel Rosenberg, Executed in 1953

The life after the gubernatorial seat is a fast-paced ride that never stops.

– Amherst College Suspends Cross Country Team Activities After List of Women, Offensive Emails Emerge

Okay, new name option: The Pervy Poets.

– Turkey Detains Kurds, Hits Militants After Twin Blasts

Turkey detained Kurds? No whey!

– Governor of Indonesia Capital Sobs Uncontrollably as Blasphemy Trial Begins

A governor elected to office is actually facing FIVE YEARS in jail because he quipped offhandedly that some of his political opponents were misquoting the Quran during their speeches instead of debating the issues. That’s all he said. He won his election. And as soon as he took office, he was arrested for blasphemy and now stands trial. Just let that one sink in for awhile. #Nazis.Take.Many.Forms

– Fake Dentist Pulled Teeth, Made Dentures, Prosecutors Say

So…a regular dentist, then.

– Out of Prison But Uninsuranced, Inmates Fall Prey to Ills

Yep, that’s how it’s worded. Verbatim. Seems kind of like grabbing at low hanging fruit to pick it apart, doesn’t it? #You.Do.It.To.Yourself.STAT

– Years After Alleged Mob Murder, Family Wants Answers

“You know, right after it happened, we didn’t really care all that much. It was a thing that happened, and we were busy with our own lives and shit. But then at this past Thanksgiving, my sister Sally said, ‘Remember how Papa was gunned down in front of us? Think we should start looking for the killer?’ I was like, ‘Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that!’…”

– Intelligence Community Worries About Trump’s Refusal to Hear Briefings

They put too much effort into this spin. All they needed was, “Intelligent Community Worries About Trump”.

– NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft Just Sent the First Images From Its New Orbit Around Saturn

The images were taken of Saturn’s “north” pole, from a distance that’s about the same as from Earth to our moon. Raging around the pole is a hexagonal hurricane that’s as wide as two Earths, with wind speeds of up to 330 mph. No one knows why the clouds form a hexagonal pattern instead of a circle, but when Cassini finally makes a last, triumphant run straight for the planet in 2017, we may be able to see footage of the surface, or at least some type of topographical data that could help us figure it out.

No jokes. No mockery. Just thought that was amazing and worth knowing. I guess NASA has redeemed themselves today after all.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I didn’t know that telephones and wireless keyboards were gender specific. My bad.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I just had to. I had to rage read this one. And you know what? I was/was not disappointed. I saw exactly what I thought I’d see. The first four in the list are little gadgets designed to track fitness. The next is a pair of USB unicorn slippers. There’s a stupid little box that you press and it gives a randomly generated inspirational quote, and a key fob type thingie that you push to make a massage appointment. Internet, you’re starting to piss me off.

– Engagement Rumors Hit Gwyneth Paltrow, and More News

That is not news. “I heard a rumor” is not news. If anyone is questioning my ability to call myself a journalist now, all they need to do is read this headline.

– 29 Times Celebrities Inspired Us With Their Ugly Christmas Sweater Style

“news: n., noteworthy information, especially about recent or important events”

– 14 Priceless Pieces of Relationship Advice You Only Realize After You’ve Been Married

I swear to god if you don’t get your act together, internet, I’m out.

– Your Pet’s 2017 Astrological Forecast

*sigh* That’s it. *waves white flag* *storms off* *slams door*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, December 13, 2016. I’m off to get ready for work where I hope to have less bizarre customers than I had yesterday. I mean, one can hope, right?

Feelin’ a little froggy for a fight this morning. You feelin’ lucky, punk?

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Mornin’ all.

Heads up…bad mood.

I didn’t sleep last night. I’m irritated and can’t shut the brain off. I gave up trying, and even though it’s my day off when I was supposed to be able to sleep in, I got up and found a mostly empty pot of coffee, a brand new roll of paper towels shredded to bits on the floor, and I stepped on a cold, squishy chunk of broccoli someone must have dropped last night and never picked up.

“The internet. I’ll get in a better mood if I just pop on the internet for awhile,” I said to myself.

Stop laughing. Stop it right now. I JUST said I didn’t sleep or have coffee yet. Of COURSE I was being a tad delusional! Sheesh.

So, I clicked on my local news site to check the weather, because that’s always a good place to start, and those fuckers decided to go with a new format for giving the weather report: emojis.

Weather. Emojis.

Because, you know, I’m not an ADULT or anything. I totally want to log on to see that this morning we’re having what looks like a skull with a barrette for a little while, then a…butt? Yeah, I mean, it’s either a butt or a peach, and how in the hell would a peach make any sense, amiright? We get a giant ass for awhile, until the ass starts taking a radiant dump around noon. Eventually the butt goes away and we get two suns until we watch “The Ass Returns: An Evening Dumping.”

Tomorrow we get a crying skull followed by an ass with a lightning bolt tramp stamp. Fun!

Why did they do this?

There was absolutely zero need to tell me the weather in kindergarten runes. Are people actually too stupid to click and read, “Rain tapering off through the morning, with sunny skies in the afternoon giving way to another rain storm?” WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?? STOP emojifying everything! I’m not a fucking five year old!

Sticking emojis in place of actual news on a legitimate news website is the literary equivalent of pumpkin spice.

“Bethie? You okay over there?”

*sigh* yeah. fine. *sigh* I warned you I was testy today.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nope.

I’m not good at talking. Er, I mean, talking about real shit. I’m good at babbling on and on about dumb things, but when it comes to personal feelings, door closed. I know that’s not always fair. I can’t help it. It’s not just a wall to others, it’s a wall for myself that I honestly can’t really seem to get over.

“Well that’s not healthy.”

No shit, Sherlock! Gee, maybe that’s why I’m a hoarder with other obsessive tendencies, anxiety, and low self esteem?

“You don’t have to get sarcastic.”

I do. It’s my coping mechanism.

“…I…I can’t even get mad now.”

Heh heh. I know, right? Thought that one was pretty good, actually.

Look, I got issues. I am well aware. Sometimes they are more in the forefront than usual, and that’s what’s going on right now. I plan to try and have some kind of emotional reset day…cleaning, sorting out my latest collection of greasy car bolts, maybe making a lamp… I’ll work it through like that. It just makes for a real shitty start to the day, especially when I should be looking forward to seeing a tramp stamp on a giant ass in the sky tomorrow.

There’s one thing that always puts me in a good mood, though. Or, at least provides an outlet for the pent up snark.

“Oh! I know! What an excellent idea!”

Cue the dancers, start the catchy theme music, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

For those who don’t know, sometimes news headlines are shit. Sometimes they’re poorly worded or misleading. Sometimes they’re plain stupid. And sometimes, they give me a funny mental image I must run to this here internet and share. I always present the headline to you in its natural form…I just photoshop some snark at the end. Everyone on the same page? Good. Let’s jump in.

– Rapper Behind the Song “Sell Drugz” Accused of Selling Drugs

Classic case of profiling, if you ask me. Where’s the justice.

– Preemies Treated to a Halloween Party

Why. I just need to know why.

– Election Workers Prepare for Voters to Head to Polls

BREAKING NEEEEWWWS!

– 13 Grizzly Bears Gather in Foothills

This sounds like some crazy apocalypse-harbinging to me.

– Tiny NICU Tots in Halloween Costumes

For real. I honestly do not understand why these babies who are fighting for their lives should be treated like dolls for the parents’ amusement. Savage AF.

– Domino’s Forces Pizza Guy Robbed at Gunpoint to Repay the Money Stolen From Him

*slow clap* New levels of corporate douchebaggery right here, folks. Bravo.

– Scientists Discover ‘Lake of Death’ At the Bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

Lake of…death?? NO!!! Not Bikini Bottom!!!

*fistbump to anyone brave enough to admit they know what I’m talking about*

– Woman Won $43M Jackpot, Offered Steak Dinner Instead

Seems fair. I mean, it was Angus beef.

– The Favorite Foods of Our Presidents

William Henry Harrison’s favorite was squirrel stew. You seemed like you needed to know that.

– Researchers Say This is Why Facebook Users Live Longer

Because 12 years is certainly enough time to make such a bold statement.

– Loch Ness Monster in Alaska?

What? Cryptozoological critters can’t have a little “me time” to recharge their batteries? Have fun on your vacay, Nessie!

– China’s New Stealth Jet Looks Suspiciously Familiar

Whoa. Are you accusing the Chinese of stealing a product and mass-manufacturing it as if it was their own design??

– Sen. Burr Once Helped Ease Export Controls Over Bomb-grade Uranium

Folks, Dem or Rep, one thing we ALL should agree on is the short list of shit we should never, ever export. The list is as follows:

1. Nuclear weapons.

2. The main component in nuclear weapon manufacturing.

3. Cheesecake Factory’s “Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.” That shit’s delicious and we need to keep it all for ourselves.

– Mysterious ‘Alaskan Ice Monster’ Surfaces in Bureau of Land Management Video

Aw hell, Nessie. I know what happens in Alaska is supposed to STAY in Alaska, but didn’t anyone ever tell you there are cameras everywhere in the US? I hope you’ve got some good PR people, because flashing your tits and shouting “Alba gu brath!” is on the internet now, and that shit’s NOT going away on its own.

– Alejandra, Age 7, is Facing A Judge Alone. Is That Due Process?

No, it isn’t, and it’s utterly disgusting. #get.your.shit.together.America.

– Elementary School Cancels Mock Election After Kids Repeat ‘Negative Rhetoric About Minorities’

THIS is the damage that all this smear campaigning does. #GET.YOUR.SHIT.TOGETHER.AMERICA

– Dem’s Attempt to Clone Dead Son Not An Issue in WVa Race

…I don’t even know where to go with this one. You stumped me, MSN. I tip my hat.

– Hillary Clinton Could Be Impeached if She Wins Election

Hm. Plot twist. That would make our pres Tim Kaine, a person who seems generally pretty boring and overall, middle of the road fine. I’m not going to lie. “Boring and fine” sound kind of nice right now, if I’m being honest…

– New Robot Toy Uses ‘Emotions’ To Interact With People

Oh HELL no. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

– Japan’s Factory of Robots Operates Up to One Month on its Own; Robots Make More Robots Without Human Aid

I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN. But would you listen? NOOOOO. You just HAD to have a cute wittwe wobot that would talk to you, didn’t you? *sigh* Everyone bow down to our new robot overlords.

– Uber Looks To Flying Cars As Next Big Shift

Don’t hold your breath, folks. We’ve been waiting for flying cars since the Jetsons.

– Astronomers Find Hints of Planet Nine

We already HAD a ninth planet. #LongLivePluto #NeverForget #TearsForPluto

– Hard Crash-landing May Have Wrecked Europe’s Mars Probe

Did you know that crashes cause things to be wrecked? Wowie, aren’t scientific discoveries amazing??

– When Pranking Goes Wrong

Always. It ALWAYS goes wrong. No one likes pranks. No one likes people who pull them. Don’t be that guy, okay?

– Baby Rhino Shows Off Belly While Taking Bath

Whore.

– He Spent $9M on License Plate

And I needed to pay in quarters and dimes to buy a gallon of milk last week. WHY DO MORONS HAVE ALL THE MONEY??? #forREALtho

– Canada’s Positivity Police

Piss off already, eh.

– Can Trump Turn Iowa Red?

Tell a bawdy joke and we’ll find out.

– ‘Pussy Project’ Women Speak Out Against Trump

*smh* I’m sorry, but I just can’t take ‘Pussy Project’ seriously. I just can’t.

– Believe it or Not, This is Earth

HOLD THE PHONE. This isn’t Mars?

– Huma Abedin Is Lying Low

I think they tacked on an extra word at the end there…

– World Series: Can the Cubs Force Game 7?

Can Bethie Care Any Less?

– Man Commutes to Work in Manhattan By Kayak

Hipsters, you have your new Master.

– New Hampshire: Tiny But Important in 2016

“In 2016?” Just in 2016???

Get it straight: 603’s ALWAYS important.

Thus concludes a grouchy Roundup for Wednesday, November 2, 2016. Clocks back this weekend, country *hopefully* back next week. Really looking forward to the election being over. Then we can stop fighting on FB and get back to looking at cats on the internet, as nature intended.