It is never a good sign when your fingers sweat from typing…

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Mornin’ all.

Sorry it’s been awhile. It’s been a whirlwind few weeks here filled with…well, life. Stuff. Cleaning, which I mostly got around to, btw. Visitors. Car repairs. Work. Kitties.

Yes, that’s plural on the cats.

No, we did not get another.

We decided to let a buddy bring a guest kitty with him to stay the week. We’ve been sort of thinking of getting our little fur devil a companion, or, if not a companion, maybe her own minion. The teens are growing and spreading their wings more and more away from the house, and we aren’t the only ones to notice. I don’t want my fluffy little buddy to be lonely.

Before we got another four legged tornado, we thought it would be a good idea to introduce her to a guest and see how things go. She’s been flying solo most of her life. We got her as a stray teenage cat, and she’s been the sole recipient of the pettin’ and snugglin’ and furball lovin’ since. We figured having our pal bring his cat along when he visited was a good way to test the waters.

“*snicker*”

Stop it. You stop laughing at me right now! Okay, in hindsight, that does seem a little naive. But cut me some slack. This is my first cat. Well, almost my first. When we were kids, we had a cat for a hot minute before Tommy decided to pack his shit and live a hobo’s life. I have only two memories of him. That’s it. That’s how little he was actually in my life. For all intents and purposes, Zelda is my first cat.

How was I supposed to know that the internet videos of two kitties peacefully basking in the morning sun in a fluffy heap together are staged lies by the Illuminati designed to con people into getting a second cat, thus ensuring that they never get a full night’s sleep as part of a devious plot to turn the populace into mind-numbed zombies ripe for advantage-taking when they’re too bone-weary to notice the androids taking control of the government and funneling taxes to a secret project that will cripple the global economy and enslave us to the New World Order??

Follow the bread crumbs, sheeple.

ANYWAY, I went into the endeavor with rose colored glasses that quickly cracked. In short, it was not smooth sailing and sunshine cuddling, and now I’m dubious about getting a second kitty.

It wasn’t horrid. No one got hurt. Mine hissed and growled, but never even took a swipe or nip at the other. It seemed to almost be just a show. By the end of the week, they were sitting near each other…unless a human walked into the room. It might have been a game to them at that point. We caught them several times just being chill near each other, until they noticed that they were being watched. My new theory is that watching two cats peacefully co-exist is their “go” button. It’s the Wile E. Coyote syndrome. As soon as a situation is observed, things must go awry.

I dunno. My guy has owned cats all his life, and he thinks things went fairly well. A second fluff might not be totally off the table. Maybe a little kitten? Maybe she’d adopt it. She is very motherly to our youngest pup. And Zelda is a very little cat, while the cat who visited was not. Friendly and playful and cute as hell, but not at all little. Perhaps that was a factor in play?

I think I have to do something. In a month, two more teens will graduate high school. Then we’ve got one more brief summer and they’ll be gone, too.

Sidenote: Have any of you finished that time machine I asked you to make? Anyone?? Because I’m about a month away from REALLY needing it. It doesn’t have to jump me back very far. A year or so should do. Just make sure that I can set it to repeat the jump multiple times so my boyos won’t all leave me. Blip me an email when it’s ready and we’ll work out shipping. K, thnx.

Four days ago, it was 40 degrees here. Wet and drizzly all day, with a heavy snow in the hills and slightly north. I couldn’t believe it when I saw snow on the small hill I pass on the way into The Big City to run errands on Sunday. It was bad enough that we had a seasoned vet of NH roads call out of work at the bakery because she kept going off the road. We were a bit dubious until we saw the pictures. It was a real snowstorm.

Yesterday, it topped out at 89 degrees here. Today is supposed to be well into the 90s and humid as hell.

Mother Nature. Real talk now. Girl, what the fuck?

It’s got that heavy, languid feeling to the air this morning, too, so I know the local weather man wasn’t just blowing smoke up our asses again. It’s odd having this type of weather this early. Usually these morbidly oppressive days hit when the heat of summer has wrought its peril on everything green and vibrant. This year, it’s come when the leaves have freshly burst open, when the blossoms are still fragrantly stretching for the early season skies. Instead of trapping in the smell of hot tar and baked dirt and overheating cars, the blanket of humidity is allowing the scents of lilacs and apple blossoms and wet earth and sweet greens to linger heavily in the morning fog. It’s not at all unpleasant.

…yet.

I mean, come on. Today’s supposed to be in the 90s? Are you kidding me!? I wasn’t planning to sweat my balls off for at least another month. UGH. But, at least it smells nice.

Say, you know what this morning needs?

“More coffee?”

Well, yes. That’s always a given. But aside from copious amounts of caffeine, I think we’re missing something to put a little pep in our sweaty ass step. I think we should cue up the band and call the go go dancers, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

“WAIT!”

…what?

“Don’t make the poor dancers perform in this heat.”

Dude, they’re pros. They can handle it. They’ve been training in Florida in the off season.

“But…”

Trust me. They’ve got this. Ladies, to the stage please? Okay, let’s try this again. And a one, and a two…

It’s time for our…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

See? They handled it beautifully. Thank you, dancers. Now everyone go sit in the air conditioned green room and drink plenty of water.

It may be hot as hell, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find things to laugh at, right? For any newbs in the audience, we do a Roundup when I see enough headlines that make me chuckle, rage click, or roll my eyes. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just plain idiotic. Mostly, though, I choose ones that bring out a gut reaction my narcissism urges me to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real from actual online news sites. I just make up the snide comments after. Everyone on the same page? Then let’s get to it.

– He Said Making A Man Get Maternity Insurance Was Crazy. Her Response Went Viral

No One Needs To Know Names. We’re Just Making Shit Up Anyway

– Cromartie’s Wife Pregnant With His 14th Child

He’s an NFL player, not a religious nutbag with a hit TLC show or anything. He’s not building an army for his god, he’s just horny, so it’s okay to scorn him. Let’s do it together on the count of three. One. Two… Boo. Boo. Hiss. #DoubleStandardsCanBeFun

– Osama bin Laden’s Son Calls For Revenge, Attacks On US

Boy, did NOT see this one coming. The bin Laden’s seem like such a peaceable family.

– School District Pulls Suicide Book ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’

…thus missing the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of the book. A problem can’t get better unless we address it, folks. Just sayin’.

– Health Insurers Bilked Medicare, A Whistle-Blower Says

Was a whistle-blower really necessary in this scenario?

– Leading Neo-Nazi Website Courts new Readers…In Spanish

Phew, what a relief it must be to…

“BETHIE STOP! I think you need an internet guideline refresher before you say something that’ll haunt you forever.”

But it’s just a joke.

“This is the internet. There is no such thing as a joke anymore.”

No, that doesn’t sound right. I’m sure I’ve read funny…

“Just look in the book.”

*sigh* Fine. Hang on a second, everyone. *scrambles through the public blogging handbook* *nods sagely before slamming book shut* Sorry, folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties with this punchline. Unfortunately we must cancel this bit. Please move on to the next entry and pretend this never happened.

– ‘Shoot Me,’ Armed Man Told Cop. He Didn’t, And was Fired, Suit Says

Now THAT is how you write clickbait! Take notes, Huff Po.

– Trump’s Travel Bans Spook Some Students, Fan Fears of Broader Chill

…huh? Are you stroking out over there, Reuters? Should we call someone?

– ACLU Calls For End of Neck Holds After Vegas Man’s Death

Neck holds? They’re legal!? *madly googles* OH. It’s just a choke hold with a nicer name. Damn. I was seriously hoping that Vulcan death grips were actually legal somewhere. Just another boring story of police tactics. Bleh. Move on.

– Man Carrying Mother’s Severed Head Stabs Store Worker

I feel like the real story here isn’t so much the stabbing. Perhaps a better way to write the headline would have been, “Store Worker Lucky He was Only Stabbed and Not FUCKING BEHEADED Like Assailant’s Poor Mother”. Gives a bit more punch. You can have that tip for free, USA Today.

– NASA Solves Flash Light Mystery

Turns out they put the batteries in the wrong direction. $4.8 million well spent!

– Doc Suspended For Doing Liposuction In Barn

With a glob glob here and a slurp slurp there…here a nip….there a tuck….everywhere a liposuck…Old McDonald had a farm, eeigh eeigh ohhhh…

– Hackers Linked to Ransomware Threaten ‘Wine of the Month’ Style Attack

We’ll do it. We’ll send you a 2013 Cloudy Bay sauvignon blanc and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We are united. We are strong. #EndingThisJokeBeforeIPissOffAnnonymous

– ‘White Identity Politics’ is Keeping Trump’s Downfall At Bay, Academic Says

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. It’s extraordinarily difficult to impeach a president. We can’t just say “oops, we goofed, our bad” and kick him out. There are certain lines he must cross, and we need rock solid evidence that he has done so. After that, there’s an arduous process of hearings and senatorial votes and recounts and rebuttals… It is totally unreasonable to expect that he would have been impeached already. There are myriad reasons why Trump is still in office, and the very least of them has anything to do with ethnicity, you race baiting ass!

– 7 Creepy McDonald’s Figures You Forgot Existed

I buried those memories for a reason. Leave me in my happy place and stop trying to trigger me.

– ‘People Got To Eat’- Heroic Pizza Guy Delivers to Stalled Train

Heroic. HEROIC. He delivered pizza. That’s literally the very thing he’s paid to do. How in the holy hell is that HEROIC!? GAH

– ‘Cat Man of Aleppo’ Forced To Start Again- From Scratch

This was in the “Good News- News To Brighten Your Day” section. I’m beginning to think the media might be a bit jaded…

– Alex Jones Says He Mischaracterized Chobani Yogurt Factory

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have called it “the place where they make that nasty white shit.” His bad.

– Adults Brawl At High School Graduation Ceremony

The ceremony was being held in a church, too. Keepin’ it classy, Tennessee.

– Nearly 400 Birds Fly Into Texas Skyscraper and Die

Boy, the Taliban sure is…

“BETHIE.”

Oh. Right. Handbook. Uh, poor birdies, am I right? Golly gee that’s too bad.

– Emergency Landing for JetBlue Flight That Hit Bird

Way to go JetBlue! That’s one more terrorist out of commission!

…what? Don’t look at me like that. I can take scorn. I can take disgust. But when you turn the disappointed eyes my way, it cuts, man. It cuts deep.

– Any Half-Decent Hacker Could Break Into Mar-a-Lago

OMG. Did…did the press just taunt hackers into trying to break into the stupidly named vacation spot of the pres??

– New Baylor Lawsuit Alleges Rape Video, Dog Fighting

WHAT? Dog fighting?? I mean, yeah, there was the rape, blah blah…but dog fighting!? Now it’s gotten serious. That, sir, is beyond the pale! Someone must stop these universities from abusing dogs!

“Uh…what about the raping?”

Didn’t you get the memo that folks don’t care so much about that part? Let’s fight the battles we can win. #OfCOURSEI’mBeingSarcastic.Shit.

– Dutch King’s Secret Flights As Co-pilot

I think someone has an unhealthy obsession with Disney’s Aladdin…

– Talks On Airplane Laptop Ban End With No Ban, More Talks

Anyone who’s ever sat in on a planning session at work could tell you how this was going to turn out. Bet they were only there for the free bagels anyway.

– Putin Says He Can Prove Trump Did Not Share Secrets

“Look at this email Don gave me. It says nothing about secrets.” “Uh, Vlad? That’s dated this morning.” “Da.” “And it’s from your other email account.” “Da.” “…but…” *Putin slowly lifts syringe into view* “Proof, da?” *special agent gulps* “Oh. Uh, right. Heh. Heh. Boy, look at that. Good enough for me, boys. Rock solid.”

– Report: Trump Aides Had At Least 18 Exchanges With Russians

You’d think that…

*Vlad slowly raises syringe into view*

…Look at this fake news. Isn’t it fake.

*Vlad wiggles syringe*

Fake fake fakeity fake. Sure is fake.

*Vlad nods, starts to walk away*

Just kidding it’s totally real and there’s nothing they can do to shut me up!

*Vlad stops, slowly turns* “Vat?”

Nothing. Oh, hey, look. A headline about Austria!

*Vlad stares for a minute before shrugging and walking away*

Oy vey. That was close.

– Austrian Parliament Passes Burqa Ban

I’m not going to pretend to understand the complexities of the recent influx of refugees to Europe and what it is doing to their society. I will say, though, that the way to incorporate a different people into your society isn’t by banning the things that are important to them which in no way harm other people. If the burqa is banned, the nun’s coif should be as well. Or the mandatory dresses the women of certain Christian sects must wear. Or a priest’s collar. I feel that they’re going down a slippery slope here, I really do. No jokes. Just food for thought.

– Lucky Charms Giving Away Marshmallow-Only Boxes

After years of claiming to be any sort of healthy breakfast, I’m actually okay with them saying “FUCK IT let’s not even pretend anymore.” It’s refreshing.

– Perfect Strangers Swap Kindness…and A Kidney

The DIY channel is really reaching with their new fixer upper line up.

– Youngest-ever Texas Christian Grad Says He Has No Regrets

Well why would you think he did?? “I’m super smart and setting records and got a free ride doing it. Boy, if I could go back in time, I’d fail a few tests here or there, make life more of a struggle for myself.” Is that what you were expecting, Fox News? What a stupid waste of bytes.

– Republicans Worry Trump Scandals May Doom Legislative Agenda

That is some deep poli-sci shit right there.

– Federal Investigators Head to Deadly Jet Crash Site

“Field trip!” “Damnit, Jeffrey! Calm down! You are a federal investigator on a very serious and important case.” “Ooh! Can we stop at McDonald’s?” “No, Geena, we cannot stop at McDonald’s. We will go straight to the crash site and…” “I want a Frosty!” “CARL!” “That’s Wendy’s, you idiot.” “WILL YOU ALL SIT DOWN AND ACT LIKE PROFESSIONALS?” *crickets**crickets* “Um, Mr. Special Agent in charge? I think I’m gonna be car sick…”

I guess a field trip will always be a field trip, no matter how old you are.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Thursday, May 18, 2017. Good luck to everyone battling the early season heat wave. I didn’t dare put away my heater for the summer, but I’ve also installed the a/c. Ah, life in NH…

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Who the hell invited Stella!?

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Mornin’ all.

So here’s the thing. Two weeks ago, it was 65. Sunny. T-shirts were dusted off and donned by the citizens of the area eager to let the door hit Winter in its ass on the way out.

Of course, spaghetti strap tank tops that stop way too short and hot pants that would have been better off left on the store shelf also came into play. Can’t have a warm day without a few folks stuffing themselves into knit wear that’s probably silently weeping the whole time.

“Bethie! Are you fat shaming?”

No. I am refusal-to-wear-the-proper-sized-clothing shaming. They make clothes in different sizes for a reason. If wearing your clothes tests the physical limits of thread, you should wear a bigger size. If your feet turn purple because your hot pants are cutting off your circulation, you should wear a bigger size. If you need “someone to pull it up while I suck it in” to get any part of it zipped, you should probably go ahead and wear a bigger size.

Trust me. You’ll feel better. You’ll look better. Stop obsessing over the number and just wear what actually fits.

Anyway, we were all enjoying the laid back intro to spring, when Mother Nature said, “Psych.”

Winter storm Stella. They have named my enemy. Supposed to be a real nasty piece of work, too. They’re talking potential FEET of snow. In mid March. Not unprecedented by any means, but not a common occurrence. March snow tends to be a few inches of heavy, wet stuff that melts away in a day or two. This one? This one’s gonna take a bit longer.

It has put me in a funk. I am vexed. *slurps coffee* And the coffee’s not doing all that much to help, if I’m going to be honest. I woke up with heart burn and didn’t want to make it worse, so I watered down the usual varnish. Just doesn’t have the normal kick in the ass my body has come to expect.

Maybe I’ll grab a fresh cup, full strength, and just do a Pepto chaser.

“Ew.”

Snowstorm. Heartburn. And my cat shredded a whole roll of tp in the night. I gotta get this shit turned around. I still have to work, and you can’t make a nice cake when you’re pissy. Hm. What can we do to make this day better?

*whisper from off stage*

Hang on a sec. One of my go-go dancers is trying to get my attention.

*whispers**muttering**sound of a guitar tuning echoes through the quiet living room*

I’m back, and I have a plan. *achem* Oh, yeah, sorry. WE have a plan. *waves finger* Cue the go-go dancers and fire up the catchy theme music, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

* * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Let’s thank the dancers for their most excellent idea! And while we’re at it, give a hand to the band. They totally nailed that intro.

Yes, it’s a Roundup. We haven’t done one in awhile, so for any newbs out there, here’s the deal: News is stupid. Often the headlines reflect the idiocy. I scour the internet news sites looking for tidbits that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing, and sometimes they just put an image in my head that I must share. The headlines are always 100% real. I just supply the heartburn-fueled snarkiness after.

Up to speed? Good! Then let’s get right to it.

-Conway on Surveillance: We Have ‘Microwaves That Turn Into Cameras’

Oh no. Oh honey, no.

– Is Preet Bharara Trying To Tell Us Something?

I don’t know. Is Preet Bharara talking? Because if he is, then the answer is probably yes. #TheMoreYouKNow

– N. Korea Warns of ‘Merciless’ Strikes As U.S. Carrier Joins S. Korea Drills

Aw, whatsamatta Kim Jong? Did Donald Trump stealing the “Most Insane Ruler” championship belt hurt your feelings?

*sidenote: Can we please, PLEASE actually make that belt happen? I’m thinking huge, like a WWE belt, only not as classy.

“Not as…classy??”

You heard me. Make it happen.

– Florida Agency Puts Out A Want Ad For Python Killers

Is “python killer” slang? Is that…is that the female version of “pussy slayer?”

“BETHIE!”

In my defense, it’s Florida. It’s a fair question.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Of course not. There is an organized society of people who not only believe the earth is flat, but PUBLICALY believe the earth is flat. They’re so convinced that we live on a dinner plate that they SAY SO OUT LOUD. Of COURSE there are people who think we’re being spied on while we nuke our leftovers. Just make them all some tin foil hats and go about your lives.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Look, I’m not saying it’s not possible. I’m saying it’s inept. We don’t need to use microwaves to spy. We’ve got far better, more reliable, more controllable ways of spying on every aspect of our citizens lives. If the government wants to spy on you, they can. And they can do so much more efficiently than using microwaves. Someone’s reading old spy novels again. I think we need to enroll the White House in a book of the month club and get some modern day CIA action on their radar. Er, an audio book of the month club. At least then the conspiracy theories would be current.

– Harvey Still Has Bodyguards With Him After Flub

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Steve Harvey! Get over yourself. No one’s trying to kill you. It just didn’t matter all that much. Shit.

– Rubio Warns Snoop Dogg on Trump Video

…well there’s a headline I don’t think anyone expected.

– Rare Find Revisited: A Barn Full of ‘Birds’ 10 Years Later

I would like to think they are actual birds, because the thought of a documentarian being so desperate for a story that he goes back to a barn to film some damn pigeons 10 years later is dark humor I can get behind. The look on his face when he realizes they all died about 5 years ago would be film legend.

– Celeb Couples Who’ve Split in 2017

Awful early in the year to be pulling this one out. You’re wasting the best click bait. What the hell are you going to write about in November? You might actually have to report…news! *gasp*

– Ramirez’s Contract in Japan Has Some Hilarious Perks

…okay, I’ll bite. *reads* He gets a hotel room. He can opt out of practices in certain circumstances. He gets a car and driver. He has a meal budget. …and that’s it. Honestly, I can barely type through the laughter wracking my body.

– GM Has A Huge Supply of Unsold Cars

That’s called “inventory,” dear.

– Was Jane Austen Poisoned? New Evidence About the Writer’s Weakened Eyes Raises Questions

Holy shit, just the breakthrough Scotland Yard has been waiting for! Maybe they can finally arrest the guy. #JusticeForJane

– Europe Is Facing 4 Existential Tests. Can It Hold Together?

Oh, I know this one! Okay, Europe, when you get to the huge knot, just cut it. Saves so much time. #TopTip

– UK Cruise Ship Damages Pristine Indonesian Coral Reef

But the vacation pics Buffy and Skip got were totes worth it.

– WH Analysis Projects Bigger Health Care Coverage Gap than CBO

So what they’re talking about here is the Republican backed ACA health care replacement proposition. You know, the one that Trump ordered the Republicans to present? Yeah, now Trump is desperately trying to distance himself from the disgraceful piece of potential legislation. Think about that. It’s so bad that DONALD FUCKING TRUMP won’t even put his name on it. No jokes on this one. Please, PLEASE encourage your representatives to shoot this puppy down.

– Florida Girl Writes Letter To Burglar Who Targeted Her House

What a great way to get back at the burglar. I’m sure that she’ll read it and feel just awful about what she’s done. Then she’ll call you and tearfully apologize and you can meet up for coffee to allow her to cleanse herself by confessing and you can go about your life knowing that because of your letter, she will never burgle another house again, you noble crusader, you.

*heavy sigh*

– Facebook Bans Use of Its Data For Surveillance Tools

So, you know, don’t microwave popcorn when you’ve got the FB app open.

– Snaphash Is An Augmented Reality Weed Doctor For Your iPhone

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I just read.

– On Galapagos, Revealing the Blue-Footed Booby’s True Colors

Red. They dip their feet in blue paint just to screw with the scientists. Shh.

– How To Reset Your Body Clock For Daylight Saving Time

Don’t do it! Go rogue. #DamnTheMan

– The Controversial Campaign for Canada’s National Bird

Canada’s got a different set of criteria for what constitutes a controversy, don’t they?

– Boaty McBoatface Embarks on Its Maiden Voyage This Week

Remember the campaign to name the exploration submarine last year? Boaty McBoatface won the internet contest to name the serious, highly tuned scientific sub, but the society decided to choose a different, more respectable name. However, the pressure from the internet got too great and they have officially renamed the technological wonder Boaty McBoatface. Well done, internet. This makes me proud.

– Trump Has a New Rocket and Spaceship. Where Will He Go?

Where? Irrelevant. The only question is “WHEN?” #SendTrumpToMars.Personally.StuffHimIntoASpaceshipAndLaunchThatSucker

– The 50 Hottest Video Games You Shouldn’t Miss in 2017

They lead the article with the remastered Crash Bandicoot. The thumbnail is…Crash Bandicoot. The opening graphic is a still from…CRASH BANDICOOT. Are. You. KIDDING me?! Mass Effect: Andromeda? The Last Of Us 2? Red Dead 2? Breath of the FREAKIN’ WILD??? But no. NO. Crash. Bandicoot. Fistbump to all those who feel my outrage. #CRASH.BANDICOOT.REALLY!???

– John Cena Reveals Surprising Video Game Choice

Spoiler: it’s not Crash Fucking Bandicoot!

– Our Black Hole Has Been “Eating Snacks” For the Last 6 Million Years

Aaaand that’s it. I’m out. When you start talking about what you put in your black hole, it’s time to get off the internet.

Had to ruin it for everyone, didn’t you, IBT?

Thus concludes a quick Roundup for Pi Day, 2017. If there wasn’t a storm, the amount of puns at the bakery would get old. I guess that’s one thing to thank Stella for.

It’s a good thing she’s got a squiffy wiffy face…

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BREAKING NEEEWWWWWS

The 2017 color of the year has been announced!! Everyone ready? Could I get the band to give me a drumroll?

*ratatatatatatatatatatata…*

It’s….

“Greenery.”

Yep. Greenery. I’m told that’s a specific color. And not just ANY color; the 2017 Color of the Year. Be the envy of all your friends and show up to the New Year’s party in the cutting edge color…greenery.

Or, second choice, use literal greenery. I’d be okay with you showing up to ANY party in literal greenery. Slap some boughs across your bosom. Festoon your derriere with hemlock clippings. Roll around on the floor under your Christmas tree while wearing a fluffy sweater to repurpose those fallen needles. Really embrace the deep meaning and tradition of this completely real and not-at-all-made-up-because-they-were-running-out-of-choices color.

Don’t you feel better for being informed?

And…

Mornin’, all.

Sometimes a hard hitting news story usurps a salutation. That’s just the life of an ace reporter.

“Uh, Bethie? When did you become a reporter?”

Silly girl. Don’t you know ANYTHING about the world? I became a hard hitting news hound when I reported the color of the year. Apparently that’s all it takes these days to enter the fast paced, edge of your seat life of a journalist. So far no one’s shooting at me or threatening to sue, but I’m expecting my first cease and desist any day now.

Fear not. I won’t take this responsibility lightly. Unlike some reporters these days, I have principles. I wouldn’t DREAM of selling out my sources.

However, I have no qualms about mocking them relentlessly.

“Bethie! Are we doing…”

Uh, yeah. I mean, I was hinting pretty heavily. I already had the band ready. Just bring the go go dancers out…and cue the catchy theme music because it’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

It’s been a bit. It’s also 4:07 a.m. after I was woken up by a cat licking my nose, which is such an unsettling feeling that there was no way in hell I’d get back to sleep if I tried. Teen 2.0 decided to make coffee so strong that it literally hurt my teeth the first sip (True story from an ace reporter!), and the very first thing I read when I opened the portal to the internet pissed me off. So, in case you’ve ever wondered how things really work behind the scenes, all of that is agar on the sarcasm petri dish for me. I figure if I’m in a sarcastic mood, why waste it?

“Why indeed.”

So, for those who might not know, the internet is full of stupid news headlines. Hell, it’s full of stupidity in general, but you have to pick your battles, right? I look around the legit news sites and find the best of the worst headlines out there. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just flat out idiotic. Usually, though, they just evoke a reaction that my internal narcissist must share. As always, the headlines are presented to you as they appear. I simply supply the caustic commentary. Let’s dive in.

– Fake News and Lavish Parties: Teens Cash in on Empire of Lies

To be fair, one could replace “teens” with “politicians” and no one would be batting an eye. If you run a nation through lies and inequity, can you really expect a higher standard of behavior from the kids? #UncomfortableTruthIsStillTruth

– Addicted to Video Games: One Family’s Struggle to Save Their Son

Have you tried introducing him to meth and hookers? I hear those are popular teen alternatives to the demon vid-ya games.

– Polar Vortex is Coming: What it Means and How to Prepare

It means it’s fucking winter. Buy a coat. Shit.

– NASA Releases Images of Black Hole Eating Galaxy

Dude! Seriously?? Where’s the parental warning??? Remember when NASA didn’t have to resort to such tawdry tactics to hold the public’s interest? I’m starting a new campaign: The Only ‘G’ In Space Is The Rating. Let’s work together and bring back a family friendly NASA. #FamilyFriendlyNASA

– The Stinky Present One Homeowner Left Package Thief

Poop. You know it was poop. Everyone knows it was poop. Why does this article need to exist?

– The ‘American Dream’ is in Trouble

Oh wow, look at that! I thought the ‘No Shit Gazette’ had closed shop! Guess not. Nice to see a familiar face in my new journalistic journey.

– Dopplegangers Who Met 4 Years Ago Now Roommates

That is some ‘Single White Female’ shit right there.

– Test Your IQ: Take ‘USA Today’s’ Weekly Quiz

USA Today has an IQ quiz? I feel like that’s an oxymoron…

– Obama Orders Review of Russian Hacking

I’m on it. *achem* While the end result was what the programmer intended, the methodology was sloppy, lacked finesse, and had little refinement. I’ve seen better execution by Blizzard. 4.6 stars out of 10

– Giuliani Removes Himself from State Department Consideration

Bitch please. You got your ass fired.

– New Amherst College Mascot? 2,046 Suggestions Include Hooloovoo, Biddys, Fighting Poets, Ants, Amps, and Asparagus

*crosses fingers**whispers**Please let it be the Fighting Poets…Please oh please oh please…*

– Interfaith Event Against Hate Crimes Expects Large Turnout

Gee. No way this could possibly go awry.

– Rotterdam Police Arrest ‘Terror’ Suspect With Guns, Fireworks

“You got the timer right on that Roman candle array, Stan?” “Yes, sir!” “We got one shot at getting on COPS, and I don’t want a half assed timer blowing it.” “Ten four, sarg!” “Then get the guns and matches ready, boys. On the count of three…”

– Refrigerator Ruled Out As Cause of Fire That Killed 36 in Oakland

Initially suspicious because of its propensity to run, officers had no choice but to release the Model 117 Amana after surveillance footage clearly showed it never left the break room of the office complex next door.

– McCain: Tillerson’s Putin Ties a ‘Concern’

Tillerson’s? TILLERSON’S? Forget Tillerson. I’m personally a little more concerned with Trump’s Putin ties. Seems you kind of missed the bigger picture here, MSN.

– Finally the Truth Behind ‘M*A*S*H’ Revealed

I’ve been waiting 33 years for this very moment. *holds breath while the article loads* What? WHAT?? It’s nothing but CLICKBAIT??? WHYYYYYYY!!!!!?????….so….close….*sniff*…*rides off into the lonely sunset to continue the search for answers*

– Cat Tongues May Inspire New Wound-cleaning Technology

Mother of god no.

– An Alt-Right Makeover Shrouds the Swastikas

A Lawsuit-scared Media Shrouds the Nazis By Calling Them ‘Alt-Right’

– Artist Collective Residents Fear Crackdown After Oakland Fire

Uh…I think they missed the moral of the story…

– White Supremacists? Not Exactly, KKK and Other Groups Claim

Duh, they’re only “white nationalists”…folks who believe white people should be the ones in power, should never “mongrelize” their race, and should send those of other color and religions out of the country. We’re hurting their wittle bitty feelings by calling them “white supremacists.” So don’t do that. Instead, call them Nazis. All of them. Every chance you get. #A.Duck.Is.A.Muthafuckin’.Duck

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

I think we’ve already learned how lax inspectors are in Oakland.

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

…besides, do you even know how difficult it is to inspect a ghost ship? Every time you try to board, you fall right into the water.

– Spanish Civil War Ruins Offer Lesson on Cost of Conflict

Again, I feel the moral of a story has been lost. It takes a special kind of journalist to look over the headstones of the fallen men and women and think, “How can I best highlight the horrors of war? Hm…you know what? That building looks ugly with the bullet holes. OH MY GOD. Pulitzer, here I come!”

– That Old Rebel Group on a New Kidnapping Spree

Watch it, or those cheeky rapscallions will sneak in and steal your panties at night, girls!

– Fall of Aleppo Will Be a Pivotal Moment in Syrian War

Yes, but are the buildings okay???!!

– Judge Rejects Pimping Charges Against Escort Service Site

“Free membership for a year, you say?” The lawyer for the accused held the judge’s gaze, fighting to keep his composure and not allow himself a smirk of victory. As a seasoned attorney, he knew that look in the judge’s eye. He had him, hook, line, and sinker.

– Role Models? Parents Glued to Screens 9 Hours a Day

…*guiltily eyeballs screen*…*glances at clock*…*5:14? No one’s even awake yet? FUCK IT* *Triumphantly glues eyeballs back to the screen*

– Tiny Techies: Preschoolers Tackle Hour of Code

See?? SEE?? It’s not all bad to be a plugged in parent.

– Real Robots Fight a Virtual War in Your Own Living Room

Whose living room? Not mine! I told you I want no part of the robot uprising. #Not.Bowing.Down #No.Sheeple

– How a Goggles-wearing Parrot Aids Flying Robot Designs

Shit. They’re getting an air force now! #Still.Not.My.Overlords

– Scientists Manipulated Mice to Make Them Lose Track of Time

Scientists are dicks.

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

57!? That seems like a really specific amount of red flags. Did somebody at Redbook just get dumped? Hmmm??

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

…there were 7 of them about lying, and 5 about not wanting to meet/interact with her family. Yeah. Someone’s a tad bitter.

– Inflation is Finally Perking Up

Boy, I was just saying to my hubby last week that I am sure getting sick of paying a reasonable price for necessary goods. Can’t wait to empty the piggy bank just to buy milk!

– If Mom and Dad Can’t Afford it, Santa Shouldn’t Be Able to, Either

Who died and made you the financial gestapo? Stop telling Santa what to do with HIS money Commie.

– 9 Ways Your Sex Life Can Be Improved In Just One Day

Holy. Shit. Listen to this one: “6: Don’t let rejection be an option for either one of you.” No joke, that is legit what it says. Let that marinate for awhile. #DO.NOT.FOLLOW.THIS.ADVICE. #It’s.A.Felony

– Memphis Ties Homicide Record With Recent Killings

…uhhh…congratulations?

– $3 Gas A Gallon? Coming Soon

I’m not surprised. The price of gas has been going up steadily for a couple months now. Maybe that’s why they can’t afford a basic grammar lesson over at USA Today.

– Official Reinstated After Racist Remark

“We were on the fence about canning Nancy, but once she opened her mouth, we knew we had one of ours at the top,” said the Nazi KKK “alt-right” grand poobah from under his ridiculous dumb white cone head. #Alt-right.Are.NAZIS

– As U.S. Spy Chief, Fiorina to Support Backdoors

*gasp* NO. I’m STUNNED.

– Second Man in a Week Dies While Skiing at Killington, Vermont

Maybe they should have skied at Livington…

“Bethie!”

What?

– Ex-governor Michael Dukakis Endorses Campaign to Exonerate Ethel Rosenberg, Executed in 1953

The life after the gubernatorial seat is a fast-paced ride that never stops.

– Amherst College Suspends Cross Country Team Activities After List of Women, Offensive Emails Emerge

Okay, new name option: The Pervy Poets.

– Turkey Detains Kurds, Hits Militants After Twin Blasts

Turkey detained Kurds? No whey!

– Governor of Indonesia Capital Sobs Uncontrollably as Blasphemy Trial Begins

A governor elected to office is actually facing FIVE YEARS in jail because he quipped offhandedly that some of his political opponents were misquoting the Quran during their speeches instead of debating the issues. That’s all he said. He won his election. And as soon as he took office, he was arrested for blasphemy and now stands trial. Just let that one sink in for awhile. #Nazis.Take.Many.Forms

– Fake Dentist Pulled Teeth, Made Dentures, Prosecutors Say

So…a regular dentist, then.

– Out of Prison But Uninsuranced, Inmates Fall Prey to Ills

Yep, that’s how it’s worded. Verbatim. Seems kind of like grabbing at low hanging fruit to pick it apart, doesn’t it? #You.Do.It.To.Yourself.STAT

– Years After Alleged Mob Murder, Family Wants Answers

“You know, right after it happened, we didn’t really care all that much. It was a thing that happened, and we were busy with our own lives and shit. But then at this past Thanksgiving, my sister Sally said, ‘Remember how Papa was gunned down in front of us? Think we should start looking for the killer?’ I was like, ‘Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that!’…”

– Intelligence Community Worries About Trump’s Refusal to Hear Briefings

They put too much effort into this spin. All they needed was, “Intelligent Community Worries About Trump”.

– NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft Just Sent the First Images From Its New Orbit Around Saturn

The images were taken of Saturn’s “north” pole, from a distance that’s about the same as from Earth to our moon. Raging around the pole is a hexagonal hurricane that’s as wide as two Earths, with wind speeds of up to 330 mph. No one knows why the clouds form a hexagonal pattern instead of a circle, but when Cassini finally makes a last, triumphant run straight for the planet in 2017, we may be able to see footage of the surface, or at least some type of topographical data that could help us figure it out.

No jokes. No mockery. Just thought that was amazing and worth knowing. I guess NASA has redeemed themselves today after all.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I didn’t know that telephones and wireless keyboards were gender specific. My bad.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I just had to. I had to rage read this one. And you know what? I was/was not disappointed. I saw exactly what I thought I’d see. The first four in the list are little gadgets designed to track fitness. The next is a pair of USB unicorn slippers. There’s a stupid little box that you press and it gives a randomly generated inspirational quote, and a key fob type thingie that you push to make a massage appointment. Internet, you’re starting to piss me off.

– Engagement Rumors Hit Gwyneth Paltrow, and More News

That is not news. “I heard a rumor” is not news. If anyone is questioning my ability to call myself a journalist now, all they need to do is read this headline.

– 29 Times Celebrities Inspired Us With Their Ugly Christmas Sweater Style

“news: n., noteworthy information, especially about recent or important events”

– 14 Priceless Pieces of Relationship Advice You Only Realize After You’ve Been Married

I swear to god if you don’t get your act together, internet, I’m out.

– Your Pet’s 2017 Astrological Forecast

*sigh* That’s it. *waves white flag* *storms off* *slams door*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, December 13, 2016. I’m off to get ready for work where I hope to have less bizarre customers than I had yesterday. I mean, one can hope, right?

Feelin’ a little froggy for a fight this morning. You feelin’ lucky, punk?

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Heads up…bad mood.

I didn’t sleep last night. I’m irritated and can’t shut the brain off. I gave up trying, and even though it’s my day off when I was supposed to be able to sleep in, I got up and found a mostly empty pot of coffee, a brand new roll of paper towels shredded to bits on the floor, and I stepped on a cold, squishy chunk of broccoli someone must have dropped last night and never picked up.

“The internet. I’ll get in a better mood if I just pop on the internet for awhile,” I said to myself.

Stop laughing. Stop it right now. I JUST said I didn’t sleep or have coffee yet. Of COURSE I was being a tad delusional! Sheesh.

So, I clicked on my local news site to check the weather, because that’s always a good place to start, and those fuckers decided to go with a new format for giving the weather report: emojis.

Weather. Emojis.

Because, you know, I’m not an ADULT or anything. I totally want to log on to see that this morning we’re having what looks like a skull with a barrette for a little while, then a…butt? Yeah, I mean, it’s either a butt or a peach, and how in the hell would a peach make any sense, amiright? We get a giant ass for awhile, until the ass starts taking a radiant dump around noon. Eventually the butt goes away and we get two suns until we watch “The Ass Returns: An Evening Dumping.”

Tomorrow we get a crying skull followed by an ass with a lightning bolt tramp stamp. Fun!

Why did they do this?

There was absolutely zero need to tell me the weather in kindergarten runes. Are people actually too stupid to click and read, “Rain tapering off through the morning, with sunny skies in the afternoon giving way to another rain storm?” WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?? STOP emojifying everything! I’m not a fucking five year old!

Sticking emojis in place of actual news on a legitimate news website is the literary equivalent of pumpkin spice.

“Bethie? You okay over there?”

*sigh* yeah. fine. *sigh* I warned you I was testy today.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nope.

I’m not good at talking. Er, I mean, talking about real shit. I’m good at babbling on and on about dumb things, but when it comes to personal feelings, door closed. I know that’s not always fair. I can’t help it. It’s not just a wall to others, it’s a wall for myself that I honestly can’t really seem to get over.

“Well that’s not healthy.”

No shit, Sherlock! Gee, maybe that’s why I’m a hoarder with other obsessive tendencies, anxiety, and low self esteem?

“You don’t have to get sarcastic.”

I do. It’s my coping mechanism.

“…I…I can’t even get mad now.”

Heh heh. I know, right? Thought that one was pretty good, actually.

Look, I got issues. I am well aware. Sometimes they are more in the forefront than usual, and that’s what’s going on right now. I plan to try and have some kind of emotional reset day…cleaning, sorting out my latest collection of greasy car bolts, maybe making a lamp… I’ll work it through like that. It just makes for a real shitty start to the day, especially when I should be looking forward to seeing a tramp stamp on a giant ass in the sky tomorrow.

There’s one thing that always puts me in a good mood, though. Or, at least provides an outlet for the pent up snark.

“Oh! I know! What an excellent idea!”

Cue the dancers, start the catchy theme music, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

For those who don’t know, sometimes news headlines are shit. Sometimes they’re poorly worded or misleading. Sometimes they’re plain stupid. And sometimes, they give me a funny mental image I must run to this here internet and share. I always present the headline to you in its natural form…I just photoshop some snark at the end. Everyone on the same page? Good. Let’s jump in.

– Rapper Behind the Song “Sell Drugz” Accused of Selling Drugs

Classic case of profiling, if you ask me. Where’s the justice.

– Preemies Treated to a Halloween Party

Why. I just need to know why.

– Election Workers Prepare for Voters to Head to Polls

BREAKING NEEEEWWWS!

– 13 Grizzly Bears Gather in Foothills

This sounds like some crazy apocalypse-harbinging to me.

– Tiny NICU Tots in Halloween Costumes

For real. I honestly do not understand why these babies who are fighting for their lives should be treated like dolls for the parents’ amusement. Savage AF.

– Domino’s Forces Pizza Guy Robbed at Gunpoint to Repay the Money Stolen From Him

*slow clap* New levels of corporate douchebaggery right here, folks. Bravo.

– Scientists Discover ‘Lake of Death’ At the Bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

Lake of…death?? NO!!! Not Bikini Bottom!!!

*fistbump to anyone brave enough to admit they know what I’m talking about*

– Woman Won $43M Jackpot, Offered Steak Dinner Instead

Seems fair. I mean, it was Angus beef.

– The Favorite Foods of Our Presidents

William Henry Harrison’s favorite was squirrel stew. You seemed like you needed to know that.

– Researchers Say This is Why Facebook Users Live Longer

Because 12 years is certainly enough time to make such a bold statement.

– Loch Ness Monster in Alaska?

What? Cryptozoological critters can’t have a little “me time” to recharge their batteries? Have fun on your vacay, Nessie!

– China’s New Stealth Jet Looks Suspiciously Familiar

Whoa. Are you accusing the Chinese of stealing a product and mass-manufacturing it as if it was their own design??

– Sen. Burr Once Helped Ease Export Controls Over Bomb-grade Uranium

Folks, Dem or Rep, one thing we ALL should agree on is the short list of shit we should never, ever export. The list is as follows:

1. Nuclear weapons.

2. The main component in nuclear weapon manufacturing.

3. Cheesecake Factory’s “Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.” That shit’s delicious and we need to keep it all for ourselves.

– Mysterious ‘Alaskan Ice Monster’ Surfaces in Bureau of Land Management Video

Aw hell, Nessie. I know what happens in Alaska is supposed to STAY in Alaska, but didn’t anyone ever tell you there are cameras everywhere in the US? I hope you’ve got some good PR people, because flashing your tits and shouting “Alba gu brath!” is on the internet now, and that shit’s NOT going away on its own.

– Alejandra, Age 7, is Facing A Judge Alone. Is That Due Process?

No, it isn’t, and it’s utterly disgusting. #get.your.shit.together.America.

– Elementary School Cancels Mock Election After Kids Repeat ‘Negative Rhetoric About Minorities’

THIS is the damage that all this smear campaigning does. #GET.YOUR.SHIT.TOGETHER.AMERICA

– Dem’s Attempt to Clone Dead Son Not An Issue in WVa Race

…I don’t even know where to go with this one. You stumped me, MSN. I tip my hat.

– Hillary Clinton Could Be Impeached if She Wins Election

Hm. Plot twist. That would make our pres Tim Kaine, a person who seems generally pretty boring and overall, middle of the road fine. I’m not going to lie. “Boring and fine” sound kind of nice right now, if I’m being honest…

– New Robot Toy Uses ‘Emotions’ To Interact With People

Oh HELL no. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

– Japan’s Factory of Robots Operates Up to One Month on its Own; Robots Make More Robots Without Human Aid

I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN. But would you listen? NOOOOO. You just HAD to have a cute wittwe wobot that would talk to you, didn’t you? *sigh* Everyone bow down to our new robot overlords.

– Uber Looks To Flying Cars As Next Big Shift

Don’t hold your breath, folks. We’ve been waiting for flying cars since the Jetsons.

– Astronomers Find Hints of Planet Nine

We already HAD a ninth planet. #LongLivePluto #NeverForget #TearsForPluto

– Hard Crash-landing May Have Wrecked Europe’s Mars Probe

Did you know that crashes cause things to be wrecked? Wowie, aren’t scientific discoveries amazing??

– When Pranking Goes Wrong

Always. It ALWAYS goes wrong. No one likes pranks. No one likes people who pull them. Don’t be that guy, okay?

– Baby Rhino Shows Off Belly While Taking Bath

Whore.

– He Spent $9M on License Plate

And I needed to pay in quarters and dimes to buy a gallon of milk last week. WHY DO MORONS HAVE ALL THE MONEY??? #forREALtho

– Canada’s Positivity Police

Piss off already, eh.

– Can Trump Turn Iowa Red?

Tell a bawdy joke and we’ll find out.

– ‘Pussy Project’ Women Speak Out Against Trump

*smh* I’m sorry, but I just can’t take ‘Pussy Project’ seriously. I just can’t.

– Believe it or Not, This is Earth

HOLD THE PHONE. This isn’t Mars?

– Huma Abedin Is Lying Low

I think they tacked on an extra word at the end there…

– World Series: Can the Cubs Force Game 7?

Can Bethie Care Any Less?

– Man Commutes to Work in Manhattan By Kayak

Hipsters, you have your new Master.

– New Hampshire: Tiny But Important in 2016

“In 2016?” Just in 2016???

Get it straight: 603’s ALWAYS important.

Thus concludes a grouchy Roundup for Wednesday, November 2, 2016. Clocks back this weekend, country *hopefully* back next week. Really looking forward to the election being over. Then we can stop fighting on FB and get back to looking at cats on the internet, as nature intended.

Let’s hope ‘rude customer’ isn’t the theme of the weekend…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

It’s been ages, and my typin’ fingers have been itchy for a workout. I’m struggling to get back into the work-during-school-year routine. It always feels like I’m rush rush rushing, with no time for chatting it up with pals.

…okay, that’s a bit of a cop out. I mean, I totally could have written something on my days off. But there was laundry to catch up on. Piles of it. Intimidating peaks and tors of sweaty socks and crusty drawers. Dishes and empty soda cans stacked on desks. Graffiti on the walls. A group of hobos were roosting under the dining room table. Don’t know when they arrived. There was too much recycling piled up making them a cozy hobo nook. If I hadn’t caught it when I did, they would have hibernated there all winter. And do you even know how little the dwarfs will do to keep a bathroom in order when Snow White has to be away decorating cakes?

Wait. Can I say that?

“Uh, no.”

I’m not trying to offend. I’m simply referencing a childrens’ story.

“Yeah, Bethie, but you picked one about seven men who were born with a congenital disorder that’s made them societal pariahs who use the naivete of an innocent abused runaway to essentially trap her in a different type of abusive household where she is suddenly solely responsible for the health, welfare, and cleanliness of seven grown ass men until a MILF roofies her, a prince gets a little rape-y, and she wakes up to find herself in a newly gilded cage surrounded by fame and paparazzi and pressure she never asked for…”

It’s a DISNEY movie! Surely I can reference a little kid movie without pissing off the internet, right?

“Have ya ever actually seen the internet?”

Fair enough. Not Snow White. Let’s air on the side of caution and say my days “off” have felt more Cinderella-ish.

“Oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Cinderella, Bethie!”

*hands up* OKAY!! I give up! No child movie references. Sheesh.

I was just meant that these days, I’m busier than a one-handed paper hanger.

“*gasp*”

I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?

“STOP!”

Busier than a bee!

“Dude, not cool. You KNOW how upset I am over the declining population numbers of bees.”

GODDAMN YOU’RE TOUCHY! I’m a writer. I’m just trying to inject a little personality into the piece instead of saying “Sorry, was busy. Thnx.”

“Bethie, are you shaming the millennials with your use of text instead of proper wording?”

Oh piss off!! *sigh of exasperation*

So as I was saying, it’s been busy at the bakery. It should be the calm before the impending holiday storm, and would have been if our bagel maker hadn’t gone on a fateful test drive of a new motorcycle. She’s okay in the sense that she’s alive and overall well, but she wrecked the bike and her arm in one go. Here’s an industry insider pro tip: You cannot make bagels when you have a torn shoulder and a shattered elbow. Shhh…don’t let my competition know!

And this happened right after we finally got our manager back. You remember her…she’s the one that fell and broke her pelvis.

There’s an ominous feeling among those of us who have yet to be injured in the bakery, and the hubbub is that we’re cursed. I don’t like that kind of talk, mostly because I have NOT been injured yet and wish to keep it that way. I’m going to keep saying that curses are hogwash while I don my bubble wrap suit. Never hurts to hedge a bit, does it?

I was looking at the news today, and you know what I decided? It sucks balls. There is a lot of doom and gloom in the headlines, folks. And since we are members of the same wet rock, it’s good to know what’s happening. It’s not like we can, or even should, avoid learning about our world, no matter how shitty the news of the day might be.

But, I think we can also take a break from the naysayers for awhile and find things to laugh about, don’t you? Because no matter how shitty and bleak it seems, the coin always has another side. Sometimes it’s really good to flip it over and chuckle. My long time readers know what that means.

Cue the band and signal the dancers, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

That’s right, it’s a roundup. And why the hell not? I think we fully deserve one after dealing with the muck and yuck going on right now.

For those who don’t know, sometimes the internet news sites have headlines that are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re worded fine, but still dumb. Usually, though, they just give me a mental image I must share. I scour these sites and bring you the upper echelon of ridiculousness. As always, I present the headlines to you in their 100% natural form. I just add the snark.

Shall we begin?

– Woman Has Baby With Mother’s Womb; It’s ‘Science Fiction’

I’m going to have to disagree with the classification. I’d definitely put that in the ‘soap opera’ genre.

America’s Most Endangered Historical Places

At first I scoffed, then I actually took the time to read the article. Dude, did you know there’s only ONE Gettysburg left? Deforestation and urban sprawl have eradicated the other four score and nineteen of them. Sign the petition at change.org today to fund rehabilitation efforts before the same thing happens to the 23 Mt. Rushmores.

– Jamie Foxx Blasted By Chess Champion Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelean President

I cannot think of a more random and unexpected headline. Why is a chess player coming out of the blue to blast a US actor about his stance on Venezuelean politics?? I love this so much.

– 80’s Pop Stars Then and Now

I clicked. *sniff* I clicked and now the memories of all the teen dream posters of my youth have been tainted by beer guts and bald spots. Screw you, MSN. *sniff*

– Barely Half of Illegal Border Crossers Caught

…you guess maybe, you think. If they got by you, you didn’t know it, right? So how can you possibly know how many you didn’t actually know about? I hate baiting articles like that that just muck up the issue.

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

What the actual fuck. “Hurricane Truthers?” WHAT? Is this a thing? SERIOUSLY??!!!

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

My gawd it IS a thing. These assholes are actually claiming that the pictures of the damage in Haiti are staged. That hundreds of people didn’t really die. That it’s all a government conspiracy to support the concept of global warming.

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

One of the reasons listed is because the government controls the satellites that are giving info on the storm. Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Dude, no one’s stopping you from launching your own satellite. Chop chop. What are you waiting for?

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

Like, I’m not even joking. I’m ANGRY now. Those irresponsible, dumb sons of…

“Remember what this is supposed to be about, Bethie. A break from all the doom and gloom and idiocy.”

*deep breath* *grumble*

“Come on. You can do it.”

You’re right. *calming mantra* *long sigh* Thanks. I’m better now.

– Two Hawkish Anti-immigration Groups Say Consulted By Trump

I was going to pick on the headline for being a travesty to grammar and common sense, but since the subject matter is Trump, the bungled mess seems oddly apropos.

– Damaged NJ Transit Train Removed from Station After Crash

They say that like there was ever anything else they were considering doing with a wrecked train. Now I have questions…

– Matthew Could Hit Florida Twice

LIES!! #chemtrails #newworldorder #harambewasaninsidejob;literally

– CEO of Backpage, Called ‘World’s Top Online Brothel’, Arrested on Pimping Charges

You mean the madam of a brothel could be considered a pimp? That seems like a stretch to me.

– Andrew Bieszard Claims God Sent Hurricane Matthew to Stop Orlando Pride

JUST HOW FAR UP DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO?!? #alltheway #secondamendment #flatearth

– Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly Skilled Forger in Arts Market

Or maybe… Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly UNskilled Appraisers in Art Market

– Hurricane Nicole A Little Stronger, Slows Down

Whoa. Nicole? Who’s this Nicole bitch? WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW?? As soon as a little scrutiny is applied, they change tactics. #wakeupsheeple #area51 #molemenarereal

– Robert De Niro on Trump: I’d Like to Punch Him in the Face

Bethie on Robert De Niro: I’d Like to See Him Punch Trump in the Face

– What Happened to North Carolina?

Shit, I don’t know. I thought it was tossed on the foyer table? Everyone start checking under the couch cushions. I’m going to look in the jeans Uncle Sam was wearing last night. Let’s hope it didn’t go through the wash!

– Wet and Wild: New Jersey Teens Travel 1000 Miles for Matthew

Fucking. Dopes.

– Vegan Mom Faces Charges for Feeding Tot Only Fruit and Nuts

This one is interesting. Makes you wonder when the other side of the debate will hit and parents who only feed their kids junk food will be charged. I’m in no way pro vegan. I embrace the fact that I am designed to be omnivorous and love me some charred animal flesh. But, I’m also in no way pro junk food diet. It’ll be interesting to see how far this goes and what the result will lead to.

“Bethie? I thought we were making jokes, not social commentary?”

Oh. Right.

– Leaked Video Shows Donald Trump Making Lewd Comments About Women

If this news legitimately surprised you, then step right up, because I’ve got this fantastic bridge I’d like to sell you!

– Should Retailers Close for Thanksgiving?

Gee, let me think about that one. *rolly eyes*

– Curiosity Self-Portrait And Other Incredible Space Photos

Our robots take selfies. If this doesn’t prove that we’ve taken artificial intelligence too far, I don’t know what does.

– Feds Investigating Smoking Samsung Phone that Forced Plane Evacuation

Smoking on a plane? Oooh, Samsung such a badass.

– Saturday is ‘Observe the Moon Night’

I guess I didn’t get the memo because I showed up early to that party last night. Oops. Don’t I feel foolish.

– UK’s Chatty Fish to Be Recorded

“Put the batter down! I’ll talk! Please, for the love of god…I have a wife and sixty three children, mate!”

– Bees Taught to Pull String for Reward, Then Teach Other Bees

These experiments are more of a sociological study than anything else. Someone sat there looking at a bee and thought, “Say, I wonder if I could make this bee pull a string?” I’m personally very glad that dude is in a lab and not mixing in the general population. Really think about it. There is nothing at all in a bee’s normal course of life that would make a sane person believe it could pull a string. Wtf.

– Norway’s PM Caught Playing Pokemon Go In Parliament

BAHAHAHA!!!

– Creepy Clown Sightings Are a Nightmare for the World Clown Association

Holy shit, guys. They’ve got an association. They’re organized now. THIS is how society will end!

– Do Fish Flirt In Regional Accents?

SEE? Scientists are weirdos.

– Artist Recreates Childhood Toys Entirely Out of Clay

…why? I mean, just get the toys. You can find them on ebay. And you’re not breaking any copyright laws to do it.

– Body Positivity Has Hit the Mainstream. Now What?

Now we move on and actually start thinking about things that matter.

– Is Spencer Prat the Atest and Reatest Food Star to Emerge on YouTube?

What? Are you having a stroke, USA Today?

– Dad Pays $39 to Hold Baby After Birth

It’s almost as if there’s no oversight in our hospital system so they feel they can get away with taking advantage of people during an emotionally unstable period in their life or something. Huh.

– How to Eat Like A Nomad

…okay, I’m intrigued. I tried not to be, but come on! Admit it…you now have questions, too.

– ‘Honor Killings’ Outlawed, Even if Family Approves

It’s 2016 and this is an actual thing that JUST happened. Let that sink in for awhile. Holy. Shit.

– Did Fox Reporter Go Too Far?

Isn’t that pretty much a job requirement at Fox?

– Hurricane Matthew Threatening Some of South’s Most Storied Cities

Oh. My. Gawd. I just figured it out. Follow me on this. We know that our national landmarks are becoming endangered, right? Some of these landmarks are in the middle of cities. Have you ever wondered why? Hm. Maybe because someone is trying to take your focus away from the landmarks by building up a bustling city around them, aka govenrmentally constructed distractions. Ask yourself this: What are they trying to hide? What’s behind the smoke and mirrors of streets and buildings? They clearly don’t want you to find out, because as soon as it became obvious that those of us who want to know wouldn’t let the neon lights of civilization blind us to the truth, they engineered a “hurricane”- aka secret military swat team that will go in after the sheeple have evacuated and create “storm damage”- to wipe out these “historical places.” Follow the breadcrumbs, people. It all makes sense.

Illuminati CONFIRMED.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, October 8, 2016. Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that I was making the icing roses improperly, and that she would know because she has made “real cakes” her whole life. Folks, it took every ounce of personal restraint I had not to end up in this here Roundup with a headline like: The Customer May Not Always Be Right: Local Cake Decorator Shoves ‘Real’ Icing Rose Up Rude Customer’s Nose.

The weekend is just getting started. Check headlines on Monday. You never know.

No sane person wears a red sponge nose…

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Mornin’ all.

As you can see, I survived the attempted poisoning-by-coffee the other morning, though it took a rapid infusion of Zantac to pull through. I had a heart to heart with Teen Beta about the long term dangers of drinking his own alchemy experiments and suggested that instead, he saved his yearning for scientific discovery for the lab. I mean, the instructions on how NOT to make a pot of coffee that will level his mother are right on the can. No science necessary.

I just don’t want him to go down the same path I did. I didn’t really make coffee in my formative years. As a teen, I pretty much just drank it when my older sister took me out to breakfast in the morning, and only then because it seemed like the thing to do at the diner. My first husband wasn’t a coffee drinker, either, and we didn’t even own a coffee pot. I didn’t start really drinking coffee until I gave up soda like 10 years ago.

I’m just not a natural coffee drinker. I didn’t learn the dos and donts until too late in life to make them a habit. It’s understandable when I just dump grounds into the basket because, at heart, I’m still not really a true coffee drinker. But my kid? I’m trying my best to give him a better shot at adulthood.

When you strip away everything else, at the end of the day, I don’t give a shit what my coffee tastes like. It’s a hollow existence, really.

I want more for him. *sniff* Doesn’t every mother?

All the kids are finally back at school! Yay! See, the teens started last week, and the youngest pup started yesterday. We are in a small town that decided to outsource teen education while at the same time fortifying the elementary school realm by declaring itself its own SAU (School Administrative Unit, for anyone who’s unfamiliar with the term. Think of it like counties, only for schools). As such, the elementary school students of my fair hamlet are on a different attendance schedule from the high school students. It’s annoying as hell. Get your shit together, SAUs.

The Pup was extremely worried about starting fifth grade. Here, fifth grade is in a different building. It’s his first “big step”. They also have different teachers for different subjects, play on a different playground with fewer activity options, eat in a new cafeteria, and have lockers. WITH LOCKS.

It’s big league, folks.

He’s a worrier. I have no idea at all who he gets it from *she says and she chews her lip in agitation while she tries to decide if she’s gone so far with the sarcasm that no one will even GET that it’s sarcastic because one really never knows how one’s words can be interpreted through the screen without the added bonus of physical cues to clarify the social situation. Not that she’d be better at a face to face social interaction, because, let’s be honest: everyone knows some people are better on paper. They just are. But now she’s rambling, isn’t she? Shit. There’s no way to save this steaming pile, is there? Should she just to hide and hope the world forgets she opened her mouth at all? Aw hell.*

Not only does he worry, but he’s a super intense person. You ever meet someone and are just like, “Whoa. That dude is INTENSE about EVERYTHING?” Yeah, that’s my little Pup. He is all-in, no matter what he’s focused on. That’s great in a lot of ways. But, it’s also terrible when he turns that focus inside, on his fears and trepidation.

As it turns out, no need to worry! He is in class with his favorite buddy, and the bully who’s tormented him for years has been stranded. Yes, the little fucker is in the same class as my Pup, BUT all of his cronies are elsewhere. The school FINALLY split up the Terrible Triad. And it came to pass that there was great rejoicing through the land, for lo, the Cerberus had been defeated.

I’ve got two Sr. Teens this year. *sniff* I begged one of them to take a dive on his grades, stay back a year, and make graduation just a little easier on my tender emotions. They both said, “Nah.” Teen Prime turns 18 next week. *sniff**sniff* Teen Beta turns 16. *sniff**sniff**sniff* Teen 2.0 has a full on mustache now. *BAWLING SOBS*

Too fast. They are all growing up WAY too fast.

And I’m feeling it, folks. The sniffing and bawling for comedic effect isn’t all that far off from the reality. I’ll randomly look at one of these tall behemoths and wonder where my little snot faces went and then have a sappy “oh shit…my face is starting to leak again” moment.

It’s so weird, this position in life. I’m sure some of you reading this are already past it. But, I know a good amount of you haven’t gotten here yet. Watching your kids turn into adults is bizarre. You’re constantly pulled in two directions about every new change. I WANT them to grow up. I WANT them to be successful adults. I WANT them to start their own lives and have their own adventures and find their own special someone and start their own home so I can come and visit and spoil the grandkids. I do. I truly want that for all of them.

But I want them to still be my babies, too. My gaming buddies. My “in” with all the new and weird and exciting in the world. I want to be able to turn around when a bad pun occurs and see the disappointed look on their faces as they shake their heads at my lameness.

Like I said, I know that every single parent hits this point. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t think it would be so damn hard.

Muh. I’m bringing everyone down, aren’t I? Let’s see if we can lighten the mood. It’s payday, after all, and no one should be sad on pay day, right? What can we do to bring the fun back into this Muse? Hmm. Gee. I wonder.

*opening chord of catchy theme music*

Uh, hey go-go dancers? Can you help us out?

*epic can can routine begins on center stage*

Only one way to liven things up around here. It’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Everyone, give the band and the dancers a round of applause for that invigorating intro! Bravo! Brava! Uh…bon appetite?

So, it’s a Roundup. For any newbs here, a Headline Roundup happens when I read the internet newsy type sites and their headlines set me off. Sometimes the headlines are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re just weird. And sometimes the headline is fine, I’m just the oddball and need to share. We always keep our headlines 100% all natural as they appear in the wild. No preservatives, artificial flavors, or GMOs. I just supply the witty commentary.

*editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to point out that the “GMO free” label is for laughs only. Of COURSE there are GMOs. Every single thing we eat is a product of thousands of years of genetically engineering food, dopes. If you eat, you DO consume genetically modified food. Just like your ancestors. Nothing new. Nothing scary. I am getting SO sick of…

*author’s note: ACHEM. Can you put the soap box away? I’m trynna do a Roundup here!*

*editor’s note: Oh. Heh. Uh…sorry. Carry on. #GMOs4life…literally *

IF there are no more interruptions…*looks at the editor*…and we’re all clear how this works, then let’s begin.

– Trump Camp Sued By Kids’ Dance Troupe

Children. Even C H I L D R E N know the score! COME ON AMERICA.

– Karlie Kloss’ Trainer Chooses Sleep Over Workouts

If that’s what it takes, then I must be the absolute Queen super model. Well shit. Better jet off to Milan or something. I’mma just lie down for a minute first…

– 815 Pounds of Cocaine Found in Coca Cola Factory

Sometimes this hipster trend of reverting to the “original recipe” goes slightly awry.

– Miss Texas USA Completely Bombs First Pitch Attempt

OUTRAGE! We can’t have a “USA” pageant queen disgrace America’s pastime like that! If you can’t pitch a baseball while wearing platform heels, fake nails, a tiara, and your beauty sash because execs told you that you MUST look pretty for the camera, you don’t deserve the title. Let’s start a campaign to strip her of her sash right now. #norespectforAmerica

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

I’m impressed he could get a car started in the first place. You’d think he’d just flop around in the seat.

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

Don’t feel bad, buddy. Everyone crashes on Rainbow Road.

*a fishing AND gaming joke there! My kids would be so pissed off if they read that. SCORE.*

– Hailey Baldwin Reveals Her Celebrity Crush

I’m feeling a bit bitchy today. I think I’ll leave you all hanging.

– Why the IRS May Delay Your Tax Return Next Year

Oh, I dunno…maybe because financial news is boring and there’s almost nothing at all they could write to get people to actually click on an article unless it “might” impact their tax return so the editor is forced to throw out a random wild theory that “may” happen just to get people to click enough times to generate some actual ad revenue? Just a guess.

– Close Call: Navy Pilots Recount Avoiding Crash off Air Craft Carrier

“So, like, we could have crashed, but we just, you know, turned slightly to the left and, like…didn’t.”

– Photo Allegedly Shows Clown Trying to Lure Kids Into Woods in SC

And now we’ve taken a left onto Nope Street in the center of Nopeville, in the merry old land of Nope.

– Anthony Weiner, Who Always Has Something to Say, Goes Silent

About fucking time. He has GOT to be the biggest dope in politics.

– Trump Doubles-down on Border Wall, Insists Mexico Will Pay for It

…hm. Fair point. Okay, so Weiner is the world’s SECOND biggest dope.

– Free Speech or Criminal Threats?

Tough choice. I think I’ll go with free speech, please.

– At Lake Tahoe, Obama Links Conservation to Climate Change

You wily bastards, AP. He linked conservation efforts to a demonstrative SLOWING and EASING of climate change. If you don’t think you’re manipulated at every level of the news, you’re dreaming. Even the headlines slant the story.

– NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Set To Sit Out National Anthem Again on ‘Military Night’ in San Diego

As is his right, folks. It’s the same right that allows you to blast him on social media for doing it. You can’t take away his RIGHTS because of your OPINION. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like what he did. That’s not how freedom works. Gawd I wish more people would remember that.

– Pennsylvania Professor Goes on Hunger Strike Over Tenure Denial

Holy shit. People still have hunger strikes?

– A Sketchy Business

I like how detailed and clear this headline is. Succinctly covers the 5 Ws of journalism. Well done.

– 3.7-billion Year Old Fossil Makes Life on Mars Less of a Long Shot

False. 3.7-billion year old fossils on Earth have zero impact on Mars. #it’strue.Lookitup.

– Couple Faked Everest Climb

Dig it…an Indian couple completely faked climbing up Everest by photoshopping themselves into summit pics. The Nepalese government was so upset at the couple that they BANNED them from climbing any of Nepal’s mountains for TEN YEARS! I can’t tell if it’s a massive overreaction for a photoshop lie, or if it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine if this set precedence for all walks of photoshopping. Phil from accounting showing a photo of him and his hot Canadian girlfriend and sticking with the story even though you can totally see the trademark for the frame company on her sweater, PHIL? Banned from the break room, ten years! Kardashians caught once again cutting and pasting? 10 year magazine cover ban. BOOM. So many positive possibilities. I give you props, Nepal. You’re really onto something.

– Are the Clown Sightings in South Carolina Real?

Better stay away from the entire state just in case.

– Pollsters Fight To Figure Out Trump Phenomenon

People like being angry. They really like having others be angry with them. And they go absolutely gaga when someone in power tells them their anger is a-ok. Mystery solved.

– Why Trump’s ‘Black Outreach’ Is Backfiring

Maybe because he hates black people? That might just have a little something to do with it.

– ‘Bad Apple Culprit’ Hit Pacific Northwest Homes

A dude is going around Portland tossing rotten apples onto people’s roofs. Best hide yo kids and hide yo wives. Those are some mean streets out there.

– Now You Can Buy Adorable Wigs for Your Pets

NO. You stop it. Stop it right now.

– UK Non-profit Hires its First Hedgehog Officer

*facepalms* Guys? Maybe not the best way to make folks take your non-profit seriously.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

*blurrppff* OMG. I just threw up a little.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

…actually, on second thought, I’m picturing my man out in public wearing a matching t-shirt to the one I’ve got on right now. Kittens in space riding a unicorn past a glittery, rainbow-colored moon. I MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

– Canadian Man Dressed As Hockey Goalie Steals Beer

I feel like they didn’t even have to tell us he was Canadian. Kind of implied with the rest of the headline there.

– Former KKK Leader Praises Trump Speech on Immigration

Of.

Course.

He.

Did.

-Planet 9 Found Past Neptune?

Yeah. It’s called Pluto.

– 7 Of Hillary’s Biggest Flip-Flops

Number 3 on the list is my favorite…a pair she picked up on vacation at Arcadia that have seashells glued to the top. Size 10, because that’s all that was in stock and how could she POSSIBLY walk away from seashell flip-flops?

– How to Appear Rich Without Spending Much Money
1. Glitter.

2. Gold spray paint.

3. Lee Press-on Nails

You’re welcome.

– Leslie Jones’ Weight Loss Highlights Up and Down Year

Leslie Jones is a black actress who has recently been the target of the most vile, hateful, racist abuse online I think I’ve ever seen. But guess what, guys? She’s skinnier now! It’s all okay!! *twitch**twitch* Fuck you, Hollywood.

– Another Creepy Clown Incident Reported in Ohio

Oh shit. It’s spreading. #clownapocalypse

– Report: Half of Americans Uncomfortable Visiting Places with Reported Zika Cases

Wait. Didn’t you hear me? Stop muddying the waters with your red herrings. Zika is only rarely fatal. CAN THE SAME BE SAID OF CLOWNS? #wakeupsheeple

– Teen Reports He Was Chased Down By a Clown With a Knife

It has begun.

This is not a drill. Barricade yourselves in your fallout shelters and do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the balloon animals hypnotize you when the clowns come knocking.

Stay strong.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, September 2, 2016. It’ll take me a couple weeks to get the underground network of rebels to band together. Right now folks are still worried about personal safety above all else. I get that. Society needs a bit of “me” time before they can see the importance of developing a strong, unified front against the clowns. It WILL happen, though, and we WILL need your help. Set your ham radios to channel 16 on frequency 156.80 and listen for instructions on joining the fight against the funambulist tyranny!

How many times can I say ‘moist’ before you just can’t take it anymore?

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Mornin’ all.

We got some rain last night. I’m hoping that it’ll break this heat wave, but at the moment, it looks like it just made things more moist out there.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but the air is moist. Warm and…moist.

“Ew, Bethie. Stop saying that word.”

Can’t. There isn’t a word more appropriate for the ickiness. Walking outside yesterday was like walking into a limp, warm, moist sponge.

And now, though cooler, it’s so moist out that the light from the street lamp at the end of my drive is struggling to illuminate anything else. There’s a dense, moist miasma hanging around and…

*squeak of chair*

Wait. Where are you going?

“I’m out.”

Okay okay! I’ll stop saying it!

“*quirks the eyebrow of dubiousness*”

I promise. Besides, you don’t want to leave today. I have some delicious cake to share. Look at it. Smell it. Mmmmm. It’s not a bit dry, either. In fact, one might say it’s…

“*GLARE OF WARNING*”

…at the peak of freshness!

“…”

Cake?

“…*sigh*…”

Come on. Sit back down and have a slice. I was only playing. You wouldn’t want to leave anyway. I’ve got the band ready to go and I thought we’d…

“*plunks down in the chair**grabs a slice of cake* Stop grossing me out already and get to the…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You jumped the gun, man. No one was ready! The band blew the intro, and the dancers legs all got tangled. Look, I know I owe you for the whole m-word debacle, but just sit there and eat your cake and let me run this, okay?

“*waves fork in my general direction*”

Philipe? Could you be a lamb and put down your tuba to help untangle the ladies? I think the rhinestones on their fishnets got twisted together. Thanks.

Okay, now that the cluster of dancers is in Philipe’s capable hands, let’s get to the Roundup. For those who don’t know, the world itself has become entwined and tangled. Every day the news seems more and more horrible. However, once in awhile, there are headlines that crack me up. Like the streetlamp outside my window, these beacons of ridiculousness shine through the moistness of society.

“…Actually, I’ll allow that one. Continue.”

Thank you.

Sometimes the headlines are dumb. Sometimes they’re poorly worded. But more often or not, they just give me a mental image or a gut reaction I feel I need to share. As always, the headlines themselves are completely real. I just supply the snark.

Everyone up to speed? Excellent. Let’s get into it…

– Trump to Clinton: ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

I missed Mr. Nice Guy? When was Mr. Nice Guy?!?

– Doherty Breaks Down Over Breast Cancer Battle

Pfft. Weak. Suck it up, Shannon!

editor’s note: Sarcasm, people. The tone of the article was snarky and sassy, as if a woman battling breast cancer has no right to get upset about it. Sarcasm, the second best -asm there is.

editor’s note about previous editorial note: I didn’t make that line up. I saw it on a t shirt and it always stuck with me. Heh.

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

Holy shit stop the presses!!! Trump and Clinton AGREE on something!!

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

I’m not surprised. I imagine the thought of a positive influence in the lives of his children terrifies him.

– 2 Chicago Officers Relieved of Powers Since Death of Suspect

“Relieved of powers?” What an odd way of putting it. It’s almost as if the media has grabbed hold of a national narrative that seems to sell papers and decided to disproportionately fuel an issue that’s actually not nearly as bad as they have made it out to be or something. Weird.

editor’s note: Shit, really? Okay, guess I have to say it. I’m not anti cop. In fact, I’m VERY anti BAD cop. But, I’m also pro facts, and the fact is, FEWER people are killed by cops now than they were in the past. You want to cringe? Look at the stats from the 1970s. Is it an issue? Yep. Is it as dire as it seems? Nope. Is the media running with it because it’s so much easier to point to an authority figure instead of the thousands of citizen on citizen murders that are the real problem? Oh, no. No WAY they’d POSSIBLY do that.

– Latest Pokemon Go Worries: Sex Offenders

I can’t say I’m surprised. Look at Mewtwo. That ass is thick as fuu….

– 4 Simple Tricks To Beat The Heat…And If They Actually Work

What the hell kind of article is this? What even IS this bullshit? Have we really gotten so lazy as a society that we allow this type of “journalism” on a mainstream news site? I mean, this list could literally contain anything. “Stand in front of an open oven! It won’t work, but it’s something you could try.” My head hurts.

– This Test Will Make You Rethink Ice Cream

Do you like ice cream? If you answered “no”, then you probably should stop eating it. Thanks, Buzzfeed!

– Trump: I Wanted to ‘Hit’ Dems’ Convention Speakers

WHY IS ANYONE VOTING FOR THIS KINDERGARTENER!!!???

– Muslim Blasts Extremists At Friday Prayer With Christians

…perhaps not the best use of words, there.

– Russia Accuses Google Maps of ‘Topographical Cretinism’

BAHAHAHAHA!!! “Topographical Cretinism??” Oh, Russia. You so zany.

– Brussels Can Still Sweat the Small Stuff

You may be worry at your leisure, peons. So said Bloomberg, so shall it be done.

– North Korea Says Decision on Nuclear Tests Depends on US

Awww! The world’s second most annoying toddler wants some attention. It’s okay, Unie. We still know you’re a bad ass. Yes, who’s a wittle bad ass? You are. YOU are! Now go eat a cookie and let the grown ups talk.

– Report: Cops Mistake Krispy Kreme Glaze for Meth

So many questions, so little desire to actually have them answered. I’d much prefer to go with the scene in my head of a guy hoarding a baggie of glaze crumbles while Barney Fife freaks the hell out.

– Clinton Wooing Blue Collar Workers With Bus Tour

Then let the “blue collars” actually on to the bus to see your “humble” ride. The gauntlet has officially been thrown down, Hillary.

– Officials Encourage Travelers Not to Shun Florida for Zika

I’m with the officials here. If you’ve ever read the news, there are far more valid reasons to shun Florida than the off chance of getting a virus. Come on, people. Let’s keep it real.

– Don’t Play Pokemon Go on the Railroad Tracks, Bulgaria Says

Holy shit I never would have thought of this strategy. Thanks for the pro tip, Bulgaria.

– Pence Slams Obama: Politics Is No Place For ‘Name Calling’

Is this guy for real? I mean, is this guy literally a real human being? That’s an honest question. I NEED to know. He’s an android, right? Because there is no way in HELL a real person could possibly have the chutzpah to try and say this when Donald Trump’s name is on the same ticket.

– Her Shot: Clinton Share Vision of America Straight Out of ‘Hamilton’

I thought panders were rare? Didn’t I read somewhere that panders were getting scares in the wild? Maybe China could have some of ours. Seems we’ve got plenty to spare.

– Mass. Motorist Drives Up Utility Pole After Following GPS in Vermont

Cliches become cliches because they’re true…

*fistbump to New Englanders who understand*

– 4 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About GPS

1. GPS directions are difficult for Massachusetts drivers to understand…

– Facebook Agrees to Refunds for In-app Purchases By Minors

How magnanimous of them to follow the law. Gee, that Zuck is a real stand up guy.

– You Can Buy A Sentry Robot for Your Home

I. Need. This.

– Elon Musk Says You’ll Be Able to Decide Who Can Use Your Self-driving Car

Sooo….like a regular car, then?

– ‘Rain Bomb?’ Seriously? This is the Kind of Thing That Gives Weather Reporting a Bad Rap

Show of hands: Who would read an article about a “rain bomb”? Everyone’s hand is raised, Washington Post. Jealous much?

– Sony Releases Playstation VR Space Requirements: Is Your Room Big Enough?

*sniff* No. *sniff sniff* No it is not. *lone tear*

– Pokemon Go Can Help Address Psychological Disorders

Wait, what? No! That’s not actually what the research shows. In fact, it’s not even “research” so much as one doctor’s opinion! The game could possibly help in cases of mild depression or anxiety because it takes one’s mind off their problem…TEMPORARILY. Gawd I hate irresponsible headlines like this! Don’t stop taking your meds no matter WHAT Pikachu tells you!

– Yorkshire Wants its Own Emoji to Celebrate the County

Okay. Like, no one’s stopping you. Why do you feel the need to appeal to the masses for support through the media? Just…make one. Do you not know how this works, Yorkshire?

– Larry the Lobster, 110, Spared From the Pot, Died on the Way to Retirement

Candlelight vigil for Larry! Don’t mind me if I just put a pot of boiling water over my candle. Could I see Larry for a sec?

…too soon?

– Barack Obama: I Don’t Eat Exactly Seven Almonds Every Night

Someday when your grand kids ask where you were and what you were doing when you heard that President Barack Obama sometimes ate 9 whole almonds in ONE sitting, you can tell them about this moment we shared. I proud to be part of this with you, my friend. We’ll get through it together and come out as a stronger nation.

– ‘Donkey Whisperer’ Translates ‘Eee-aws’ Using Technology

I mean, I guess? Who’s going to refute it?

– Father Lets 8-year-old Twin Daughters Feed Pet Gator Pizza, Cookies

Do you see what I mean about Florida? #don’tsweatthevirus

– The Pokemon Go Baby Name Boom Has Arrived

I will punch you in the face if you name your kid Charmanda.

And finally, the headline of the day:

– Trammin’ In the Name of the Lord: Pope Takes A Ride

Trammin’.

In the name of the lord.

*sniff* Beautiful.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, July 30, 2016. The sun is up now and it’s still looking fairly miserable out there. Maybe it’ll clear off? Hopefully?? Or maybe it’ll just be another moist…

*DOOR SLAM*

…fair enough.