You call it “procrastination,” I prefer the term “creative time management…”

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Mornin’ all.

When we last spoke, I was about to embark on a mission to clean my house. I got garbage bags, extra coffee, queued up a good podcast, and dug in.

Now, I’m not so sure how it happened, exactly, but I started the day cleaning and ended up welding together a new lamp.

Company will be here tomorrow. TOMORROW. They’ve got nowhere to sit. But at least there will be plenty of light…?

…I don’t know why I’m like this.

While I was cleaning, I found my stash of transmission gears and sprockets, and uncovered the MIG welder. It was nice weather, I hadn’t been able to weld yet this spring, and the urge to smell hot metal was too strong to ignore. I suppose I understand what led me down the path, I just wish I had a bit more fortitude against my own impulsiveness sometimes.

*sigh* I guess anyone coming to my house should know me, right? I mean, there are some things I’m very good at. I’m a good cook, I’ve got a decent brain, even if it’s as little scattered sometimes, I try my damnedest to be kind to other people… And there are a few things I don’t do well at all. I’d say the three things in life I really suck at are being skinny, respecting myself, and keeping the house in shape. In the grand scheme, that’s not so bad…right?

So I have to mad-dash clean today and tomorrow between work shifts. It’s not the first time. Won’t be the last.

I should be doing it right now, in fact. And I’ll get there, but first, let’s get distracted by something else. You know what we haven’t done in awhile?

*cue the go-go dancers* *strike up the band* Let’s have ourselves a good, old fashioned…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You know the deal. I peruse the news for headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re poorly worded, and sometimes they just beg for commentary. I gather them up and present them to you as nature intended. I just add the snark.

Let’s begin.

– African American pastor warns, “Black folks need to stay out of white churches” ahead of megachurch opening

Hoo boy. So much to unpack, so little desire to leave indelible footprints through this internet minefield. Imma step away from this one slowly…

– People have tried to stop lava from flowing. This is why they failed.

Oh, honey, no. If an entire MOUNTAIN isn’t strong enough to stop magma from bursting forth, what in the holy hell do you think YOU can do? Hm?

– Residents voice frustrations at meeting as Hawaii volcano continues to wreak havoc

“I don’t know whose idea it was to allow the magma to flow down my street, but this is a clear violation of my rights as a homeowner.” “Um, ma’am? We can’t control the lava. You do know that, right?” “But I pay taxes!”

– Idaho State University loses weapons-grade plutonium

Some people misplace their keys, some people misplace their elements of mass destruction. Don’t judge.

– Tourists unknowingly toss dinosaur footprints into lake

HOW!?!?

– Man mauled to death while trying to take selfie with bear

Sounds about right.

– Scientists excited by huge New Zealand sinkhole

In other news, a recent survey shows nine out of ten New Zealanders think scientists are dicks.

– Jennifer Lopez shows the world how to rock an exposed leg

I sure hope it was hers.

-McCain’s critiques of Trump anger president’s supporters

*crash* Oof! *scramble* *uprights chair* *mops up spilled coffee* Oh my god, that’s never happened before. I was literally bowled over by that shocking news. Wow. I always thought it was just a figure of speech.

– Jessica Simpson back in her Daisy Dukes

Okay. Thanks for the update? I guess?

– First Lady launches initiative to stop cyber bullying, is immediately criticized for husband’s social media history

I believe Melania is a fairly smart woman who put herself in a stupid situation in life. I think she’s trying to make the best of it, and she’s trying to do something that will make her feel good about this time her husband is spending in office. But I just think the reality of her situation is going to belie anything she could promote for the happiness and well being of the children she’s trying to reach. I actually legitimately feel bad for her in this endeavor. Her critics aren’t wrong here, and that’s sad. #FreeMelania

– Israel offended Japan’s prime minister by serving him dessert out of a shoe

Sometimes it’s difficult to navigate the challenges that arise when two different cultures are trying to come together. It’s often hard to know what’s going to cause offense. But sometimes, some asshole blatantly serves dessert in a fucking shoe. You don’t need cultural context to get that message loud and clear.

– Israel offended Japan’s prime minister by serving him dessert out of a shoe

Sidenote…Who even thinks of that, anyway? Who sits there and has a “eureka” moment that leads them to filling a loafer with tiramisu?? You’re a weird dude, whoever you are.

– In Japan, remarks by finance minister spark #MeToo outrage

The guy was caught on camera asking a female reporter if he could hug her and touch her breasts. I’d like to apologize, Israel. I get it now. #LoafersOfTiramisuToo

– “Heroes” rescue special-needs teen dodging rush-hour traffic

Uh, not so sure why heroes is in kind of sarcastic quotes up there…

– Heroes stop rush-hour traffic to help ducklings cross road

OHHHH, okay. The full stop heroes title is reserved for those who save cute animals, not human beings. Got it.

– Daughter of NYPD hero who died on 9/11 follows in dad’s footsteps

*DANGER* *DANGER* *DANGER* …sorry. That was the new warning app I installed. It’s supposed to help stop me from making completely tasteless jokes on the internet that could have lasting consequences. Seems to be working as advertised. Four and a half stars.

– Teen accepted to 113 colleges, awarded $4.5M in scholarships

Her name is Jasmine Harrison. Just wanted to give a shout out to a young woman who is absolutely rocking life.

– Trump considers benching Guiliani from doing TV interviews

Oooh, Trump’s jelly. Since Guiliani’s been on the team, the press is all, “Rudy said WHAT?” and “You won’t believe what Guiliani’s doing now”. Trump hasn’t been clickbait all week! That’s GOT to be killing him.

– Rubin: What exactly are Republicans running on?

Tears of migrant children. Stronger than coffee.

– Trump: “Every…AHAHAHAA!!!

Sorry. *snicker* Sorry, guys. It’s just, this one is so hilarious that I’m having a difficult time spitting it out. Let’s reset and I’ll try again.

– Trump: “Everyone thinks”…GA HA HA HAHAHAHAAA!!!

DAMNIT! I’m GOING to get through this with a straight face! *deep breath* Okay. *lips twitch* *calming mantra* Okay, I got it this time:

– Trump: “Everyone thinks” I deserve a Nobel Prize

SEE?? *groan* *wipes tear* Now my sides hurt.

– What’s killing the west coast’s young great white sharks?

Ennui. Lack of leadership. Parents who didn’t instill the value of hard work and the importance of goals. It’s a complicated issue, really.

– How salad became a major source of food poisoning in the US

The vegan movement is just a ploy by the Illuminati to dumb down the masses and make us subservient. They’re poisoning you, sheeple. The truth is out there.

– Canadian zoo faces charges after taking bear out for ice cream

I don’t know if anyone has ever Canadian-ed so hard before.

– Massive chocolate spill shuts highway after tanker truck crash

Oompa loompa doopahdedoo, I’ve got another riddle for you…What do you get when your truck has a…FLAT…Tipping and slipping with a chocolatey…SPLAT…

– White House says Iran nuclear inspections must continue

Oh my god I can’t even take how stupid he is. Yes, you gangrenous knob, we DO need to keep monitoring Iran’s nuclear program. THAT’S WHY WE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. *thumps head on the desk* Someone fix this.

– France condemns US over Iran sanctions

*heavy sigh* That’s fair.

– Students use history books that claim not all slaves were unhappy for ten years

Yes. Yes they fucking were. It makes me sick to think that children are being encouraged in any way to think that ANY person likes being owned as another person’s property.

– Oregon school forced LGBTQ students to read bible verses as punishment

Slavery being touted as “not really so bad”, forcing kids to read the bible, punishing anyone at all for their sexual orientation…what year is this? Did we go back in time???!!!

– Oregon school forced LGBTQ students to read bible verses as punishment

To be clear, the facts as we know them are that these are allegations that are still being investigated. However, an unnamed administrator of the school admitted it to police, which is why the investigation is continuing and will go deeper. I could get on a rant here, you KNOW I could, but that won’t reach the people I want to reach. So, I’m just going to ask this question: How would you feel if your child came home and told you they were forced to read the surahs of the Quran as punishment for having blond hair?

– Dragon float in Disney parade catches fire

…they say, as if realism is a bad thing. Pfft. Some people just don’t appreciate art.

– Scientist: Hawaii lava flow has similar chemical structure to 1955 eruption

It’s the same magma source. Same location. In geological epoch terms, it’s essentially the same eruption. I’m not so sure these science writers know how to science…

– US fighter jets intercept Russian bombers in international air space near Alaska

They were flying planes legally in a zone that’s designated free range…air space they use for military practice, just like us. It’s like kicking the kids from the other neighborhood out of the town park because they brought bats. Doesn’t matter that they are planning on playing baseball. They have BATS. And it’s sorta close to our house. Can’t you see that means they’re going to smash our car windows!? It’s ridiculous. WE were the aggressors in this situation. I will not go back to McCarthy era paranoia. I never thought I’d say this, but I am rejecting the trip in the time machine.

– Nearly two years later, “world’s saddest polar bear” no longer sad?

I didn’t click. I was afraid they’d interview an “animal psychologist” and I’d have no choice but to quit the internet. You understand.

– Family chased by cheetahs highlights the dangers of wildlife parks

No, it highlights the stupidity of humans. #TeamCheetah

– An emergency call center operator tells dying woman that “everyone dies”

It’s graduation season. Some of you reading this may be wondering what you want to do in life, where you’re heading, what will bring you happiness. Here’s a tip for ya…if you hate people, and have zero compassion, maybe don’t be a 911 operator, k?

– Opioid crisis makes more organs available

“Mr. Smithers, I see you’re awake. The operation was a success. You no longer have cirrhosis! But your insurance restricted us to a level 2 organ donation. Got it from the free clinic down the street. You might feel a bit jumpy and edgy. Fortunately, your insurance covers methadone, so I’ll just write you out the scrip…”

– People “outraged” to discover cemetery threw away flowers day after Mother’s Day

Oh grow up. You left flowers on a rock. You already flushed that money down the toilet. Close the Twitter app and put that energy into something meaningful.

– Ukraine: Army dolphins starved after Russian annexation

Russia, heart to heart: Wtf.

– A Vietnam veteran was going to be buried alone. Then a stranger helped find his family.

…and now they’re being buried with him?!?

– Avalanche survivor’s final thoughts: “This could be it”

Final thoughts? She survived. Is she just not planning on thinking anything else ever?

– Astronauts give commencement speeches from space station

If they didn’t tell the students to reach for the stars, I’m going to be very disappointed. I don’t pay taxes to have astronauts drop the ball when it comes to bad jokes.

– You’re reheating your cold pizza wrong

You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. GTFO with your pizza shaming.

– Scientist trains spider to jump on command

“Bethie?”

Yes?

“I can’t help but notice that you are now scraping the bottom of the barrel.”

…your point?

“Stop procrastinating and go clean your house.”

But…

“Bethie. *stern look*”

*sigh* Fine.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Thursday, May 17, 2018. I guess I hafta go clean my house now ‘cuz you’re gonna be all mean about it and stuff.

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I think I’m morally obligated to fill the plastic eggs with actual raw eggs…

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Mornin’ all.

Did I tell you about the cheese under the cake case?

The other day at work, my boss was stocking the tables with muffins and crème cakes and all sorts of unhealthy deliciousness, when something under my cake case caught her eye. It was a Longhorn gift card, one that had been taken off the large round display of gift cards for sale in the bakery.

My boss picked it up, then recoiled. It seems that the card was placed under the case to hide…cheese. Two slices, with bites taken around the edges. Looked like provolone. Cheese slice middles, sitting there, under a gift card under a cake case.

The deli is our store neighbor. The rounder of gift cards sits slightly toward the deli, right on our departmental border.

This is a thing that actually happened. Someone got a sample of cheese from the deli, wandered over and grabbed a gift card, then placed the cheese on the floor and covered it up with the gift card. And then they simply walked away.

Why.

WHY!?

Why would anyone do this? HOW could they even think it up in the first place? We have trash cans. We have napkins. Shit, even if they didn’t realize that and were just looking to ditch the unwanted cheese, why go the extra step of hiding it under a gift card?

I have never in my life taken a sample of something and hated it so much that I needed to hide all evidence of it ever having been a part of my life. Who does that? WHO IS THIS PERSON?? Who could even have this thought process in the first place? What else have they done in life?!??!

We’ve got some maniacs in this world, people. Stay vigilant.

So today is both Easter and April Fool’s Day!

Now, I could very easily make a joke here. Too easily, actually. I mean, it writes itself, when you think about it. Instead, I think I’ll make jokes about other things. Cue the music, because we need a…

*** EASTER/FOOL’S ROUNDUPSTRAVAGANZA!!!! ***

I have been gathering headlines for a month now, hoarding them as only a truly mentally unstable individual can. Some of them are dated, most of them are actually old news by now, but I’ve got to clean out the mental shelves and make room for more. It’s spring, after all, even if the weather’s not that keen on cooperating.

Those in the know are familiar with the schtick, but for any newbs, here’s how it works: I find headlines that speak to me. Maybe they say, “Hm, here’s something interesting.” Perhaps they call, “…wtf?” Sometimes they just say, “Durrrhurrrrrr.” I scour, I search, I listen for these tag lines to call my attention, then present the choice ones to you…with jokes. Or commentary. Or, in some cases, a good ol’ soap box observation. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just make up the bs after.

Got it? Good. Let’s do this.

– Fourth Nor’easter in a Month Takes Aim At New England

Because apparently Nature lost her calendar.

– What Is A Shamrock Shake? What to Know About McDonald’s Iconic Dessert

People say real journalism is dead, but then a hard and gritty look at real life such as this piece comes along and renews our faith in the profession.

– Woman Restrained After Trying to Open Cabin Door During Flight

While that is definitely a fair response to such an action, I give it less than a month before we see a follow up headline announcing her lawsuit against the airline.

Oooh! New game idea, folks! Let’s make a lawsuit office pool. Here are the rules: Everyone pitches in $2. We’re going to bet on two different aspects: when the lawsuit is announced, and what exactly the woman is claiming. I’m going to say that her lawyers will announce a suit on April 3rd, and they’ll be requesting damages for excessive force. *ching-clang of quarters and nickles hitting the pot* Who’s next?

– Woman Falls From Plane Door

Different woman, different plane. I think my new game has already gone viral, but I’m not sure people are actually understanding the rules…

– Your Location Data is Being Sold- Often Without Your Knowledge

Wow holy shit! This is totally the fast breaking news story of 2002!

– Kim Jong Un Calls For a ‘New History’

…ummm…I don’t think that’s how it works…

– Fights Erupt, 12 Arrested Ahead of White Nationalist’s Speech

Huh. These are generally very calm events lacking emotions or heated convictions. In fact, it’s widely known that folks who attend these rallies do so in order to get away from the hustle and chaos of everyday life. I’ve often heard them compared to accounting symposiums. Weird that they’d do such a drastic 180.

– 36 Exotic Animals Disappear From Florida Wildlife Sanctuary After Fake ‘Help Yourself’ Ad

Don’t send me hate mail or anything, PETA, but I would watch the hell out of this movie.

– Washington Becomes First State to Pass Law Protecting Net Neutrality

Let us pause for a moment to give Washington a standing ovation. Join me now. *WILD CLAPPING* *WHISTLES* *HOOTS* *HOLLERS* *flings bra up on stage* Bravo, Washington. Now, everyone else…ditto that shit STAT.

– California Hospital on Quake Fault Set to Close

I once set an entire tray of cupcakes down on the counter at work and promptly knocked it to the floor with my elbow. Bad days on the job happen. However, I never built a hospital on an earthquake fault line. I don’t know, but that might just be a world record for incompetence. Someone check with Guinness.

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I hope you didn’t hang up on Guinness just yet…

– Teen’s Tears of Joy Go Viral After He’s Accepted to Dream School

Ohhh boy…ummmm…this is awkward…

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I’ve given this some thought, and I believe you really dodged a bullet here, kiddo. Yes, you will now spend the rest of your life trying to live down the viral fame of what was ultimately failure. BUT, if the university can’t even figure out how to email, do you really want to pay them $30K/year? Silver lining, bud. #IGYB

– Alligator in Florida Caught ‘Window Shopping’ at Store Called Junque In The Trunk

WOW. FYI, he wasn’t shopping, he was mourning the handbag that used to be his best friend. Maybe try to understand alligator culture a little before you try and make jokes. #GatorFeelings

– Army Admits Mishandling War Dogs, Will Comply With Call for Reform

Exactly how does one “properly” handle an innocent animal that’s forced against its will to participate in a life threatening war it had absolutely nothing to do with starting?? No jokes here, folks. This legitimately pisses me off. One species should not be able to rope another one into their personal war. At all, ever, no matter how they treat the animal in the not-getting-them-killed down times between missions. We have the ability to think and reason and agree on morality. We should be better than this.

– Panama Hotel Ditches Trump Branding

I would totally sit through the three hour presentation on the wonders of time-sharing at this hotel if it meant we could learn the secret of how to ditch Trump.

– White House Clarifies Trump-N.Korea ‘call’, says He Meant South Korea

*adds extra notebook to the suitcase while talking to Panama hotel rep about time-share presentation openings*

– Amid Leader’s Power Grab, China Bans These Three Phrases From the Internet

I couldn’t leave you hanging on this one. The phrases are “personality cult”, “my emperor,” and “Winnie the Pooh.” Winnie. The. Pooh. You don’t even need any details to enjoy it, do you?

– Analysis: Trump may have ‘done something…with Russians’, Says Former Aide

*spews coffee all over the place* *chair legs slam to the floor* *grips hair with unabashed shock* WHAAAA????

– The Clowns Are In Charge

No truer words have ever been spoken.

– Daycare Workers Gave Melatonin To Children At Naptime, Cops Say

At one point in life, I had four kids ranging in age from newborn to five. I never drugged them, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t empathize just a wee bit with this story.

– Attorney: Relatives Still Have ‘Great Love’ For Student Charged With Killing Parents

No they do not. They might be trying to hold on to the love, or trying to convince themselves that their love for the kid is actually infinite. But, it’s not, and that’s okay. The little shit straight up murdered people. It’s okay not to love him.

– Cops Train to Spot Drug Trafficking. Why Not Train to Spot Child Trafficking?

Because in this country, drugs and guns are more important than children. #FACT

– Grandma Brings Doritos Bag Full of Drugs to Prison, Cops Say

Oh, Granny. Your big mistake was bringing top shelf treats the corrections officers wanted to “confiscate” for their afternoon snack. If you had just put the drugs in a box of saltines, you wouldn’t have been caught.

– Microsoft is Optimizing Skype for Low-end Android Phones

“The peasants are demanding services, master.” “*scoff* I allowed them access to solitaire. What more could they possibly want?” “Perhaps if we were to deign to let them use a fifteen year old free app they’d be appeased?” “UGH. *rolly eyes* Fine. *wave hand* Throw them a bone.”

– The Moon Formed Inside a Hot Cosmic Doughnut, Scientists Say

Hot Cosmic Doughnut is an amazing name for an indie band. I’d buy that t-shirt.

– Any Life on Proxima B May Have Been Wiped Out Last Year

You have no idea how legitimately disappointed I am. The search continues.

– The Moon is Getting 4G Cell Service and Live Video Feed

Greaaat. Give the Nazi base on the far side of the moon even MORE of an edge on us. #TheTruthIsOutThere

– Everything Americans Know About Science in Seven Graphs

That it’s possible to accurately represent everything Americans know about science in only seven graphs speaks volumes of sadness and pain.

– Tangled ‘Particle’ Helps Scientists Model Rare Ball Lightning

If ever there was a time to create a super weapon out of a scientific discovery, this is it. Ball lightning guns may be our only shot at defeating the robot uprising. Fix the problem you created, scientists.

– NASA Wants to Send Humans to Mars in the 2030s- Here’s the Timeline

Why wait? I’ve got a pretty good list of people we can send right now.

“But Bethie, it’s still not safe enough. Their odds of surviving are slim to none.”

*quirked eyebrow*

“OHHHhhhh. I see.”

Get on it, NASA.

-Years-long Storm on Neptune Winds Down

“Years-long” storms? Maybe I shouldn’t bitch about snow in March.

– Vaping Delivers Cancer Causing Chemicals

Inhaling chemicals delivers chemicals to your body? I never would have guessed.

– Republican Candidate for Maine House Calls Parkland Survivor Emma Gonzalez A ‘Skinhead Lesbian’ In Series of Vile Tweets

Maine, heart to heart time: You are the only other New England state I tolerate. You know what you gotta do here. Throw this asshole’s shit out in the dooryard, tell him to move on up the way, and don’t let yourself slip down to Connecticut status in the rankings. I’m countin’ on ya, Maine.

– California Teacher Accidentally Fires Gun in Class, Students Injured

…yep. *sigh* Yep.

– Tiger Uses Snowblower in Goffstown

No details. Mystery is the spice of life.

– Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Has Died at 76

I didn’t agree with some of his theories, and he was often a bit of a twat, but his contributions to our understanding of the universe have opened doors to paths we didn’t even know existed. Respect.

– O.J. Simpson Described ‘Blood and Stuff’ in Hypothetical Murder Scenario

How can anyone still doubt his guilt when he gives such detailed descriptions that only someone who was actually there would be able to share?? “Blood and stuff”? Could YOU come up with such minutiae? I don’t think so. Wake up, sheeple.

– President Envisions Space Force Someday in Military

Gotta fight dem moon Nazis. #THETRUTHISOUTTHERE

Elon Musk Poaching ‘The Onion’ Staffers For Secret Project

Brilliant, slightly insane scientist amassing an army of professional satirists? If this is how the world ends, I’m oddly okay with it.

– Cops Lose Snowball Fight

It’s the end of March, and there is still enough snow for a snowball fight. In fairness to the cops, I think EVERYONE loses this one.

– In Gun Control Marches, Students Led, But Adults Provided Key Resources

WHAT? I thought the kids rented the buses and drove themselves to the marches after busting open their piggy banks and pooling their change to pay for the permits! You mean the WHOLE THING WAS A SHAM??

– Self-taught Rocket Scientist Blasts Off Into California Sky

He built a rocket in his garage and blasted off into the air in an effort to prove the earth is flat. My dad once went to an industry convention to look at a new line of equipment for his machining company. At the convention, he actually met and interacted with a group of rocket scientists. He was always a space buff, and when I asked how it went with them, he said, “It was a big let down. I thought they’d be smarter. I think the only thing they do know is how to make a rocket.”

Dad’s hypothesis confirmed.

*ducks rotten tomato thrown by rocket scientist*

Fine. #NotAllRocketScientists …better?

– Is Your County Elections Clerk Ready for Russian Hackers?

This is NH. Odds are very good that at least half of our elections clerks still have to have their grandkids program their tv remotes. I’m going out on a limb and saying they’re probably not up on the latest internet security measures. On the plus, I doubt anyone’s trying to hack Window 98, so we should be fine.

– Crazed Girls Flood Parkland Shooter Nicholas Cruz With Money, Suggestive Pictures

Aha! I found it! The elusive “starting point” we’ve been searching for in the gun control debate. Let’s start banning people who send love letters to mass murders from ever owning a firearm. See how easy it is when you break it down to basics?

– Malala Yousafzai Returns To Pakistan for the First Time Since Shooting

This is the young woman who was shot in the head for going against sharia custom and promoting education for woman and girls. And then KEPT FIGHTING FOR IT. Just a little perspective for those who feel “persecuted” just because someone disagrees with them. An argument isn’t persecution. Getting shot in the fucking head for your belief is. There’s a difference, folks, and it matters.

– The Military Can’t Build Trump’s Wall. Here’s Why He Keeps Saying They Will.

Whaaa?? Why would he think they would? They aren’t contractors. Doesn’t Trump know what the military is supposed to do?

…oh. My. God. I don’t think he does. Holy shit. Guys, we’re in a lot deeper than I thought.

– Analysis: Trump’s Cabinet Ranked By How Likely They Are To Get Fired

I want to get pissed, but really, this is probably the best way to assess Trump’s cabinet.

– Trump Says Work On Border Wall Starts Monday. It Doesn’t.

I’m ready to disconnect from society and be the local legend recluse who comes down from the hills once a month to pick up my mail and buy an abnormally large quantity of sunflower seeds and orange soda. Who’s with me?

– Destructive Beetle Found in Albany Pine Bush Preserve

Dammit Ringo not again. #GetBackInYourCage

– Cabbies Lay Down Caskets In Protest of City’s Taxi Rules

…I am so confused right now…

– Trafficker Used Drug Money to Buy Cake Decorated With Gold

THAT. MONSTER.

– Clinton: No One Told A Man Who Lost To Shut Up

The hell they didn’t. ANYONE who bitches and moans about a loss this far out gets criticized, and it has absolutely nothing to do with genitalia. SHUT. UP.

…full disclosure, I was bummed Hillary didn’t win…not because I wanted her in office, but because I am vehemently opposed to Trump. She didn’t lose because she’s a woman. She lost because she’s tone deaf to what the country wants, has a history of contradictions between what she says on the podium and what she allows and ignores in her everyday life, and failed to address the electoral college during her campaign. Did Trump have help from Russia? Oh yeah, I’m positive he did. But that’s not what Hillary’s saying, is it? She’s not calling out any bad acts…she’s saying she lost because she is a woman. If she was a better candidate, I think she would have won, no matter how much help Russia threw Trump. So, once again, Hillary, shut up. You’re making women look bad. #TrueStory

– Martha Stewart Shares Va-va-voomy Pic

Ew what? No. NO. NOOOO!

– Passengers Freak Out Due To An Ant Infestation On Their Plane

I’m sick of these muthafuckin’ ants on this muthafuckin’ plane!

…what did you expect? The sequel is never as good as the original.

– Understaffed Office That Vets Trump Employees Plagued By Inexperience

I don’t have enough sarcasm to tackle this one adequately.

– Priest Accused of Embezzling $5M From Church For Lavish Estate

The pope literally sits on a gold-covered toilet. I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard feeling bad for the church here.

– Texas Bomb Squad Makes Egg Hunt For Visually Impaired Kids

“BETHIE NO! DO NOT SAY IT!”

…*presses lips together tightly*

…*repeats calming mantra until urge to blurt out bad joke passes*

Thanks for having my back.

“Anytime.”

You know it would have been hilarious, though, right?

– Art Dealer Accused of Drug-fueled Acts With Lobsters At Parties

Periodically through this day of festivities and/or trickery, I want you to stop and just think about this one question:

How did he get a lobster to do a line of coke in the first place?

I think we all deserve to know.

Thus concludes a Headlinestravaganza for Easter/Fool’s 2018. I’m off to chart out the logistics of crustacean drug habits to try and make sense of this crazy mixed up world. May your hams and lambs be juicy, and your donuts be filled with actual Bavarian cream and not mayonnaise. Everyone have a safe and happy day!

Who the hell invited Stella!?

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Mornin’ all.

So here’s the thing. Two weeks ago, it was 65. Sunny. T-shirts were dusted off and donned by the citizens of the area eager to let the door hit Winter in its ass on the way out.

Of course, spaghetti strap tank tops that stop way too short and hot pants that would have been better off left on the store shelf also came into play. Can’t have a warm day without a few folks stuffing themselves into knit wear that’s probably silently weeping the whole time.

“Bethie! Are you fat shaming?”

No. I am refusal-to-wear-the-proper-sized-clothing shaming. They make clothes in different sizes for a reason. If wearing your clothes tests the physical limits of thread, you should wear a bigger size. If your feet turn purple because your hot pants are cutting off your circulation, you should wear a bigger size. If you need “someone to pull it up while I suck it in” to get any part of it zipped, you should probably go ahead and wear a bigger size.

Trust me. You’ll feel better. You’ll look better. Stop obsessing over the number and just wear what actually fits.

Anyway, we were all enjoying the laid back intro to spring, when Mother Nature said, “Psych.”

Winter storm Stella. They have named my enemy. Supposed to be a real nasty piece of work, too. They’re talking potential FEET of snow. In mid March. Not unprecedented by any means, but not a common occurrence. March snow tends to be a few inches of heavy, wet stuff that melts away in a day or two. This one? This one’s gonna take a bit longer.

It has put me in a funk. I am vexed. *slurps coffee* And the coffee’s not doing all that much to help, if I’m going to be honest. I woke up with heart burn and didn’t want to make it worse, so I watered down the usual varnish. Just doesn’t have the normal kick in the ass my body has come to expect.

Maybe I’ll grab a fresh cup, full strength, and just do a Pepto chaser.

“Ew.”

Snowstorm. Heartburn. And my cat shredded a whole roll of tp in the night. I gotta get this shit turned around. I still have to work, and you can’t make a nice cake when you’re pissy. Hm. What can we do to make this day better?

*whisper from off stage*

Hang on a sec. One of my go-go dancers is trying to get my attention.

*whispers**muttering**sound of a guitar tuning echoes through the quiet living room*

I’m back, and I have a plan. *achem* Oh, yeah, sorry. WE have a plan. *waves finger* Cue the go-go dancers and fire up the catchy theme music, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

* * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Let’s thank the dancers for their most excellent idea! And while we’re at it, give a hand to the band. They totally nailed that intro.

Yes, it’s a Roundup. We haven’t done one in awhile, so for any newbs out there, here’s the deal: News is stupid. Often the headlines reflect the idiocy. I scour the internet news sites looking for tidbits that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing, and sometimes they just put an image in my head that I must share. The headlines are always 100% real. I just supply the heartburn-fueled snarkiness after.

Up to speed? Good! Then let’s get right to it.

-Conway on Surveillance: We Have ‘Microwaves That Turn Into Cameras’

Oh no. Oh honey, no.

– Is Preet Bharara Trying To Tell Us Something?

I don’t know. Is Preet Bharara talking? Because if he is, then the answer is probably yes. #TheMoreYouKNow

– N. Korea Warns of ‘Merciless’ Strikes As U.S. Carrier Joins S. Korea Drills

Aw, whatsamatta Kim Jong? Did Donald Trump stealing the “Most Insane Ruler” championship belt hurt your feelings?

*sidenote: Can we please, PLEASE actually make that belt happen? I’m thinking huge, like a WWE belt, only not as classy.

“Not as…classy??”

You heard me. Make it happen.

– Florida Agency Puts Out A Want Ad For Python Killers

Is “python killer” slang? Is that…is that the female version of “pussy slayer?”

“BETHIE!”

In my defense, it’s Florida. It’s a fair question.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Of course not. There is an organized society of people who not only believe the earth is flat, but PUBLICALY believe the earth is flat. They’re so convinced that we live on a dinner plate that they SAY SO OUT LOUD. Of COURSE there are people who think we’re being spied on while we nuke our leftovers. Just make them all some tin foil hats and go about your lives.

– Conway Isn’t the Only One Afraid of Microwaves That Spy

Look, I’m not saying it’s not possible. I’m saying it’s inept. We don’t need to use microwaves to spy. We’ve got far better, more reliable, more controllable ways of spying on every aspect of our citizens lives. If the government wants to spy on you, they can. And they can do so much more efficiently than using microwaves. Someone’s reading old spy novels again. I think we need to enroll the White House in a book of the month club and get some modern day CIA action on their radar. Er, an audio book of the month club. At least then the conspiracy theories would be current.

– Harvey Still Has Bodyguards With Him After Flub

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Steve Harvey! Get over yourself. No one’s trying to kill you. It just didn’t matter all that much. Shit.

– Rubio Warns Snoop Dogg on Trump Video

…well there’s a headline I don’t think anyone expected.

– Rare Find Revisited: A Barn Full of ‘Birds’ 10 Years Later

I would like to think they are actual birds, because the thought of a documentarian being so desperate for a story that he goes back to a barn to film some damn pigeons 10 years later is dark humor I can get behind. The look on his face when he realizes they all died about 5 years ago would be film legend.

– Celeb Couples Who’ve Split in 2017

Awful early in the year to be pulling this one out. You’re wasting the best click bait. What the hell are you going to write about in November? You might actually have to report…news! *gasp*

– Ramirez’s Contract in Japan Has Some Hilarious Perks

…okay, I’ll bite. *reads* He gets a hotel room. He can opt out of practices in certain circumstances. He gets a car and driver. He has a meal budget. …and that’s it. Honestly, I can barely type through the laughter wracking my body.

– GM Has A Huge Supply of Unsold Cars

That’s called “inventory,” dear.

– Was Jane Austen Poisoned? New Evidence About the Writer’s Weakened Eyes Raises Questions

Holy shit, just the breakthrough Scotland Yard has been waiting for! Maybe they can finally arrest the guy. #JusticeForJane

– Europe Is Facing 4 Existential Tests. Can It Hold Together?

Oh, I know this one! Okay, Europe, when you get to the huge knot, just cut it. Saves so much time. #TopTip

– UK Cruise Ship Damages Pristine Indonesian Coral Reef

But the vacation pics Buffy and Skip got were totes worth it.

– WH Analysis Projects Bigger Health Care Coverage Gap than CBO

So what they’re talking about here is the Republican backed ACA health care replacement proposition. You know, the one that Trump ordered the Republicans to present? Yeah, now Trump is desperately trying to distance himself from the disgraceful piece of potential legislation. Think about that. It’s so bad that DONALD FUCKING TRUMP won’t even put his name on it. No jokes on this one. Please, PLEASE encourage your representatives to shoot this puppy down.

– Florida Girl Writes Letter To Burglar Who Targeted Her House

What a great way to get back at the burglar. I’m sure that she’ll read it and feel just awful about what she’s done. Then she’ll call you and tearfully apologize and you can meet up for coffee to allow her to cleanse herself by confessing and you can go about your life knowing that because of your letter, she will never burgle another house again, you noble crusader, you.

*heavy sigh*

– Facebook Bans Use of Its Data For Surveillance Tools

So, you know, don’t microwave popcorn when you’ve got the FB app open.

– Snaphash Is An Augmented Reality Weed Doctor For Your iPhone

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I just read.

– On Galapagos, Revealing the Blue-Footed Booby’s True Colors

Red. They dip their feet in blue paint just to screw with the scientists. Shh.

– How To Reset Your Body Clock For Daylight Saving Time

Don’t do it! Go rogue. #DamnTheMan

– The Controversial Campaign for Canada’s National Bird

Canada’s got a different set of criteria for what constitutes a controversy, don’t they?

– Boaty McBoatface Embarks on Its Maiden Voyage This Week

Remember the campaign to name the exploration submarine last year? Boaty McBoatface won the internet contest to name the serious, highly tuned scientific sub, but the society decided to choose a different, more respectable name. However, the pressure from the internet got too great and they have officially renamed the technological wonder Boaty McBoatface. Well done, internet. This makes me proud.

– Trump Has a New Rocket and Spaceship. Where Will He Go?

Where? Irrelevant. The only question is “WHEN?” #SendTrumpToMars.Personally.StuffHimIntoASpaceshipAndLaunchThatSucker

– The 50 Hottest Video Games You Shouldn’t Miss in 2017

They lead the article with the remastered Crash Bandicoot. The thumbnail is…Crash Bandicoot. The opening graphic is a still from…CRASH BANDICOOT. Are. You. KIDDING me?! Mass Effect: Andromeda? The Last Of Us 2? Red Dead 2? Breath of the FREAKIN’ WILD??? But no. NO. Crash. Bandicoot. Fistbump to all those who feel my outrage. #CRASH.BANDICOOT.REALLY!???

– John Cena Reveals Surprising Video Game Choice

Spoiler: it’s not Crash Fucking Bandicoot!

– Our Black Hole Has Been “Eating Snacks” For the Last 6 Million Years

Aaaand that’s it. I’m out. When you start talking about what you put in your black hole, it’s time to get off the internet.

Had to ruin it for everyone, didn’t you, IBT?

Thus concludes a quick Roundup for Pi Day, 2017. If there wasn’t a storm, the amount of puns at the bakery would get old. I guess that’s one thing to thank Stella for.

It’s a good thing she’s got a squiffy wiffy face…

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BREAKING NEEEWWWWWS

The 2017 color of the year has been announced!! Everyone ready? Could I get the band to give me a drumroll?

*ratatatatatatatatatatata…*

It’s….

“Greenery.”

Yep. Greenery. I’m told that’s a specific color. And not just ANY color; the 2017 Color of the Year. Be the envy of all your friends and show up to the New Year’s party in the cutting edge color…greenery.

Or, second choice, use literal greenery. I’d be okay with you showing up to ANY party in literal greenery. Slap some boughs across your bosom. Festoon your derriere with hemlock clippings. Roll around on the floor under your Christmas tree while wearing a fluffy sweater to repurpose those fallen needles. Really embrace the deep meaning and tradition of this completely real and not-at-all-made-up-because-they-were-running-out-of-choices color.

Don’t you feel better for being informed?

And…

Mornin’, all.

Sometimes a hard hitting news story usurps a salutation. That’s just the life of an ace reporter.

“Uh, Bethie? When did you become a reporter?”

Silly girl. Don’t you know ANYTHING about the world? I became a hard hitting news hound when I reported the color of the year. Apparently that’s all it takes these days to enter the fast paced, edge of your seat life of a journalist. So far no one’s shooting at me or threatening to sue, but I’m expecting my first cease and desist any day now.

Fear not. I won’t take this responsibility lightly. Unlike some reporters these days, I have principles. I wouldn’t DREAM of selling out my sources.

However, I have no qualms about mocking them relentlessly.

“Bethie! Are we doing…”

Uh, yeah. I mean, I was hinting pretty heavily. I already had the band ready. Just bring the go go dancers out…and cue the catchy theme music because it’s time for a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

It’s been a bit. It’s also 4:07 a.m. after I was woken up by a cat licking my nose, which is such an unsettling feeling that there was no way in hell I’d get back to sleep if I tried. Teen 2.0 decided to make coffee so strong that it literally hurt my teeth the first sip (True story from an ace reporter!), and the very first thing I read when I opened the portal to the internet pissed me off. So, in case you’ve ever wondered how things really work behind the scenes, all of that is agar on the sarcasm petri dish for me. I figure if I’m in a sarcastic mood, why waste it?

“Why indeed.”

So, for those who might not know, the internet is full of stupid news headlines. Hell, it’s full of stupidity in general, but you have to pick your battles, right? I look around the legit news sites and find the best of the worst headlines out there. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just flat out idiotic. Usually, though, they just evoke a reaction that my internal narcissist must share. As always, the headlines are presented to you as they appear. I simply supply the caustic commentary. Let’s dive in.

– Fake News and Lavish Parties: Teens Cash in on Empire of Lies

To be fair, one could replace “teens” with “politicians” and no one would be batting an eye. If you run a nation through lies and inequity, can you really expect a higher standard of behavior from the kids? #UncomfortableTruthIsStillTruth

– Addicted to Video Games: One Family’s Struggle to Save Their Son

Have you tried introducing him to meth and hookers? I hear those are popular teen alternatives to the demon vid-ya games.

– Polar Vortex is Coming: What it Means and How to Prepare

It means it’s fucking winter. Buy a coat. Shit.

– NASA Releases Images of Black Hole Eating Galaxy

Dude! Seriously?? Where’s the parental warning??? Remember when NASA didn’t have to resort to such tawdry tactics to hold the public’s interest? I’m starting a new campaign: The Only ‘G’ In Space Is The Rating. Let’s work together and bring back a family friendly NASA. #FamilyFriendlyNASA

– The Stinky Present One Homeowner Left Package Thief

Poop. You know it was poop. Everyone knows it was poop. Why does this article need to exist?

– The ‘American Dream’ is in Trouble

Oh wow, look at that! I thought the ‘No Shit Gazette’ had closed shop! Guess not. Nice to see a familiar face in my new journalistic journey.

– Dopplegangers Who Met 4 Years Ago Now Roommates

That is some ‘Single White Female’ shit right there.

– Test Your IQ: Take ‘USA Today’s’ Weekly Quiz

USA Today has an IQ quiz? I feel like that’s an oxymoron…

– Obama Orders Review of Russian Hacking

I’m on it. *achem* While the end result was what the programmer intended, the methodology was sloppy, lacked finesse, and had little refinement. I’ve seen better execution by Blizzard. 4.6 stars out of 10

– Giuliani Removes Himself from State Department Consideration

Bitch please. You got your ass fired.

– New Amherst College Mascot? 2,046 Suggestions Include Hooloovoo, Biddys, Fighting Poets, Ants, Amps, and Asparagus

*crosses fingers**whispers**Please let it be the Fighting Poets…Please oh please oh please…*

– Interfaith Event Against Hate Crimes Expects Large Turnout

Gee. No way this could possibly go awry.

– Rotterdam Police Arrest ‘Terror’ Suspect With Guns, Fireworks

“You got the timer right on that Roman candle array, Stan?” “Yes, sir!” “We got one shot at getting on COPS, and I don’t want a half assed timer blowing it.” “Ten four, sarg!” “Then get the guns and matches ready, boys. On the count of three…”

– Refrigerator Ruled Out As Cause of Fire That Killed 36 in Oakland

Initially suspicious because of its propensity to run, officers had no choice but to release the Model 117 Amana after surveillance footage clearly showed it never left the break room of the office complex next door.

– McCain: Tillerson’s Putin Ties a ‘Concern’

Tillerson’s? TILLERSON’S? Forget Tillerson. I’m personally a little more concerned with Trump’s Putin ties. Seems you kind of missed the bigger picture here, MSN.

– Finally the Truth Behind ‘M*A*S*H’ Revealed

I’ve been waiting 33 years for this very moment. *holds breath while the article loads* What? WHAT?? It’s nothing but CLICKBAIT??? WHYYYYYYY!!!!!?????….so….close….*sniff*…*rides off into the lonely sunset to continue the search for answers*

– Cat Tongues May Inspire New Wound-cleaning Technology

Mother of god no.

– An Alt-Right Makeover Shrouds the Swastikas

A Lawsuit-scared Media Shrouds the Nazis By Calling Them ‘Alt-Right’

– Artist Collective Residents Fear Crackdown After Oakland Fire

Uh…I think they missed the moral of the story…

– White Supremacists? Not Exactly, KKK and Other Groups Claim

Duh, they’re only “white nationalists”…folks who believe white people should be the ones in power, should never “mongrelize” their race, and should send those of other color and religions out of the country. We’re hurting their wittle bitty feelings by calling them “white supremacists.” So don’t do that. Instead, call them Nazis. All of them. Every chance you get. #A.Duck.Is.A.Muthafuckin’.Duck

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

I think we’ve already learned how lax inspectors are in Oakland.

– Why the Ghost Ship Slipped Through the Cracks of Oakland Inspections

…besides, do you even know how difficult it is to inspect a ghost ship? Every time you try to board, you fall right into the water.

– Spanish Civil War Ruins Offer Lesson on Cost of Conflict

Again, I feel the moral of a story has been lost. It takes a special kind of journalist to look over the headstones of the fallen men and women and think, “How can I best highlight the horrors of war? Hm…you know what? That building looks ugly with the bullet holes. OH MY GOD. Pulitzer, here I come!”

– That Old Rebel Group on a New Kidnapping Spree

Watch it, or those cheeky rapscallions will sneak in and steal your panties at night, girls!

– Fall of Aleppo Will Be a Pivotal Moment in Syrian War

Yes, but are the buildings okay???!!

– Judge Rejects Pimping Charges Against Escort Service Site

“Free membership for a year, you say?” The lawyer for the accused held the judge’s gaze, fighting to keep his composure and not allow himself a smirk of victory. As a seasoned attorney, he knew that look in the judge’s eye. He had him, hook, line, and sinker.

– Role Models? Parents Glued to Screens 9 Hours a Day

…*guiltily eyeballs screen*…*glances at clock*…*5:14? No one’s even awake yet? FUCK IT* *Triumphantly glues eyeballs back to the screen*

– Tiny Techies: Preschoolers Tackle Hour of Code

See?? SEE?? It’s not all bad to be a plugged in parent.

– Real Robots Fight a Virtual War in Your Own Living Room

Whose living room? Not mine! I told you I want no part of the robot uprising. #Not.Bowing.Down #No.Sheeple

– How a Goggles-wearing Parrot Aids Flying Robot Designs

Shit. They’re getting an air force now! #Still.Not.My.Overlords

– Scientists Manipulated Mice to Make Them Lose Track of Time

Scientists are dicks.

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

57!? That seems like a really specific amount of red flags. Did somebody at Redbook just get dumped? Hmmm??

– 57 Major Relationship Red Flags To Watch Out For

…there were 7 of them about lying, and 5 about not wanting to meet/interact with her family. Yeah. Someone’s a tad bitter.

– Inflation is Finally Perking Up

Boy, I was just saying to my hubby last week that I am sure getting sick of paying a reasonable price for necessary goods. Can’t wait to empty the piggy bank just to buy milk!

– If Mom and Dad Can’t Afford it, Santa Shouldn’t Be Able to, Either

Who died and made you the financial gestapo? Stop telling Santa what to do with HIS money Commie.

– 9 Ways Your Sex Life Can Be Improved In Just One Day

Holy. Shit. Listen to this one: “6: Don’t let rejection be an option for either one of you.” No joke, that is legit what it says. Let that marinate for awhile. #DO.NOT.FOLLOW.THIS.ADVICE. #It’s.A.Felony

– Memphis Ties Homicide Record With Recent Killings

…uhhh…congratulations?

– $3 Gas A Gallon? Coming Soon

I’m not surprised. The price of gas has been going up steadily for a couple months now. Maybe that’s why they can’t afford a basic grammar lesson over at USA Today.

– Official Reinstated After Racist Remark

“We were on the fence about canning Nancy, but once she opened her mouth, we knew we had one of ours at the top,” said the Nazi KKK “alt-right” grand poobah from under his ridiculous dumb white cone head. #Alt-right.Are.NAZIS

– As U.S. Spy Chief, Fiorina to Support Backdoors

*gasp* NO. I’m STUNNED.

– Second Man in a Week Dies While Skiing at Killington, Vermont

Maybe they should have skied at Livington…

“Bethie!”

What?

– Ex-governor Michael Dukakis Endorses Campaign to Exonerate Ethel Rosenberg, Executed in 1953

The life after the gubernatorial seat is a fast-paced ride that never stops.

– Amherst College Suspends Cross Country Team Activities After List of Women, Offensive Emails Emerge

Okay, new name option: The Pervy Poets.

– Turkey Detains Kurds, Hits Militants After Twin Blasts

Turkey detained Kurds? No whey!

– Governor of Indonesia Capital Sobs Uncontrollably as Blasphemy Trial Begins

A governor elected to office is actually facing FIVE YEARS in jail because he quipped offhandedly that some of his political opponents were misquoting the Quran during their speeches instead of debating the issues. That’s all he said. He won his election. And as soon as he took office, he was arrested for blasphemy and now stands trial. Just let that one sink in for awhile. #Nazis.Take.Many.Forms

– Fake Dentist Pulled Teeth, Made Dentures, Prosecutors Say

So…a regular dentist, then.

– Out of Prison But Uninsuranced, Inmates Fall Prey to Ills

Yep, that’s how it’s worded. Verbatim. Seems kind of like grabbing at low hanging fruit to pick it apart, doesn’t it? #You.Do.It.To.Yourself.STAT

– Years After Alleged Mob Murder, Family Wants Answers

“You know, right after it happened, we didn’t really care all that much. It was a thing that happened, and we were busy with our own lives and shit. But then at this past Thanksgiving, my sister Sally said, ‘Remember how Papa was gunned down in front of us? Think we should start looking for the killer?’ I was like, ‘Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that!’…”

– Intelligence Community Worries About Trump’s Refusal to Hear Briefings

They put too much effort into this spin. All they needed was, “Intelligent Community Worries About Trump”.

– NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft Just Sent the First Images From Its New Orbit Around Saturn

The images were taken of Saturn’s “north” pole, from a distance that’s about the same as from Earth to our moon. Raging around the pole is a hexagonal hurricane that’s as wide as two Earths, with wind speeds of up to 330 mph. No one knows why the clouds form a hexagonal pattern instead of a circle, but when Cassini finally makes a last, triumphant run straight for the planet in 2017, we may be able to see footage of the surface, or at least some type of topographical data that could help us figure it out.

No jokes. No mockery. Just thought that was amazing and worth knowing. I guess NASA has redeemed themselves today after all.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I didn’t know that telephones and wireless keyboards were gender specific. My bad.

– The Best Gadget Gifts for Women

I just had to. I had to rage read this one. And you know what? I was/was not disappointed. I saw exactly what I thought I’d see. The first four in the list are little gadgets designed to track fitness. The next is a pair of USB unicorn slippers. There’s a stupid little box that you press and it gives a randomly generated inspirational quote, and a key fob type thingie that you push to make a massage appointment. Internet, you’re starting to piss me off.

– Engagement Rumors Hit Gwyneth Paltrow, and More News

That is not news. “I heard a rumor” is not news. If anyone is questioning my ability to call myself a journalist now, all they need to do is read this headline.

– 29 Times Celebrities Inspired Us With Their Ugly Christmas Sweater Style

“news: n., noteworthy information, especially about recent or important events”

– 14 Priceless Pieces of Relationship Advice You Only Realize After You’ve Been Married

I swear to god if you don’t get your act together, internet, I’m out.

– Your Pet’s 2017 Astrological Forecast

*sigh* That’s it. *waves white flag* *storms off* *slams door*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, December 13, 2016. I’m off to get ready for work where I hope to have less bizarre customers than I had yesterday. I mean, one can hope, right?

Let’s hope ‘rude customer’ isn’t the theme of the weekend…

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Mornin’ all.

It’s been ages, and my typin’ fingers have been itchy for a workout. I’m struggling to get back into the work-during-school-year routine. It always feels like I’m rush rush rushing, with no time for chatting it up with pals.

…okay, that’s a bit of a cop out. I mean, I totally could have written something on my days off. But there was laundry to catch up on. Piles of it. Intimidating peaks and tors of sweaty socks and crusty drawers. Dishes and empty soda cans stacked on desks. Graffiti on the walls. A group of hobos were roosting under the dining room table. Don’t know when they arrived. There was too much recycling piled up making them a cozy hobo nook. If I hadn’t caught it when I did, they would have hibernated there all winter. And do you even know how little the dwarfs will do to keep a bathroom in order when Snow White has to be away decorating cakes?

Wait. Can I say that?

“Uh, no.”

I’m not trying to offend. I’m simply referencing a childrens’ story.

“Yeah, Bethie, but you picked one about seven men who were born with a congenital disorder that’s made them societal pariahs who use the naivete of an innocent abused runaway to essentially trap her in a different type of abusive household where she is suddenly solely responsible for the health, welfare, and cleanliness of seven grown ass men until a MILF roofies her, a prince gets a little rape-y, and she wakes up to find herself in a newly gilded cage surrounded by fame and paparazzi and pressure she never asked for…”

It’s a DISNEY movie! Surely I can reference a little kid movie without pissing off the internet, right?

“Have ya ever actually seen the internet?”

Fair enough. Not Snow White. Let’s air on the side of caution and say my days “off” have felt more Cinderella-ish.

“Oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Cinderella, Bethie!”

*hands up* OKAY!! I give up! No child movie references. Sheesh.

I was just meant that these days, I’m busier than a one-handed paper hanger.

“*gasp*”

I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?

“STOP!”

Busier than a bee!

“Dude, not cool. You KNOW how upset I am over the declining population numbers of bees.”

GODDAMN YOU’RE TOUCHY! I’m a writer. I’m just trying to inject a little personality into the piece instead of saying “Sorry, was busy. Thnx.”

“Bethie, are you shaming the millennials with your use of text instead of proper wording?”

Oh piss off!! *sigh of exasperation*

So as I was saying, it’s been busy at the bakery. It should be the calm before the impending holiday storm, and would have been if our bagel maker hadn’t gone on a fateful test drive of a new motorcycle. She’s okay in the sense that she’s alive and overall well, but she wrecked the bike and her arm in one go. Here’s an industry insider pro tip: You cannot make bagels when you have a torn shoulder and a shattered elbow. Shhh…don’t let my competition know!

And this happened right after we finally got our manager back. You remember her…she’s the one that fell and broke her pelvis.

There’s an ominous feeling among those of us who have yet to be injured in the bakery, and the hubbub is that we’re cursed. I don’t like that kind of talk, mostly because I have NOT been injured yet and wish to keep it that way. I’m going to keep saying that curses are hogwash while I don my bubble wrap suit. Never hurts to hedge a bit, does it?

I was looking at the news today, and you know what I decided? It sucks balls. There is a lot of doom and gloom in the headlines, folks. And since we are members of the same wet rock, it’s good to know what’s happening. It’s not like we can, or even should, avoid learning about our world, no matter how shitty the news of the day might be.

But, I think we can also take a break from the naysayers for awhile and find things to laugh about, don’t you? Because no matter how shitty and bleak it seems, the coin always has another side. Sometimes it’s really good to flip it over and chuckle. My long time readers know what that means.

Cue the band and signal the dancers, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

That’s right, it’s a roundup. And why the hell not? I think we fully deserve one after dealing with the muck and yuck going on right now.

For those who don’t know, sometimes the internet news sites have headlines that are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re worded fine, but still dumb. Usually, though, they just give me a mental image I must share. I scour these sites and bring you the upper echelon of ridiculousness. As always, I present the headlines to you in their 100% natural form. I just add the snark.

Shall we begin?

– Woman Has Baby With Mother’s Womb; It’s ‘Science Fiction’

I’m going to have to disagree with the classification. I’d definitely put that in the ‘soap opera’ genre.

America’s Most Endangered Historical Places

At first I scoffed, then I actually took the time to read the article. Dude, did you know there’s only ONE Gettysburg left? Deforestation and urban sprawl have eradicated the other four score and nineteen of them. Sign the petition at change.org today to fund rehabilitation efforts before the same thing happens to the 23 Mt. Rushmores.

– Jamie Foxx Blasted By Chess Champion Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelean President

I cannot think of a more random and unexpected headline. Why is a chess player coming out of the blue to blast a US actor about his stance on Venezuelean politics?? I love this so much.

– 80’s Pop Stars Then and Now

I clicked. *sniff* I clicked and now the memories of all the teen dream posters of my youth have been tainted by beer guts and bald spots. Screw you, MSN. *sniff*

– Barely Half of Illegal Border Crossers Caught

…you guess maybe, you think. If they got by you, you didn’t know it, right? So how can you possibly know how many you didn’t actually know about? I hate baiting articles like that that just muck up the issue.

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

What the actual fuck. “Hurricane Truthers?” WHAT? Is this a thing? SERIOUSLY??!!!

– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

My gawd it IS a thing. These assholes are actually claiming that the pictures of the damage in Haiti are staged. That hundreds of people didn’t really die. That it’s all a government conspiracy to support the concept of global warming.

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

One of the reasons listed is because the government controls the satellites that are giving info on the storm. Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Dude, no one’s stopping you from launching your own satellite. Chop chop. What are you waiting for?

-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew

Like, I’m not even joking. I’m ANGRY now. Those irresponsible, dumb sons of…

“Remember what this is supposed to be about, Bethie. A break from all the doom and gloom and idiocy.”

*deep breath* *grumble*

“Come on. You can do it.”

You’re right. *calming mantra* *long sigh* Thanks. I’m better now.

– Two Hawkish Anti-immigration Groups Say Consulted By Trump

I was going to pick on the headline for being a travesty to grammar and common sense, but since the subject matter is Trump, the bungled mess seems oddly apropos.

– Damaged NJ Transit Train Removed from Station After Crash

They say that like there was ever anything else they were considering doing with a wrecked train. Now I have questions…

– Matthew Could Hit Florida Twice

LIES!! #chemtrails #newworldorder #harambewasaninsidejob;literally

– CEO of Backpage, Called ‘World’s Top Online Brothel’, Arrested on Pimping Charges

You mean the madam of a brothel could be considered a pimp? That seems like a stretch to me.

– Andrew Bieszard Claims God Sent Hurricane Matthew to Stop Orlando Pride

JUST HOW FAR UP DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO?!? #alltheway #secondamendment #flatearth

– Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly Skilled Forger in Arts Market

Or maybe… Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly UNskilled Appraisers in Art Market

– Hurricane Nicole A Little Stronger, Slows Down

Whoa. Nicole? Who’s this Nicole bitch? WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW?? As soon as a little scrutiny is applied, they change tactics. #wakeupsheeple #area51 #molemenarereal

– Robert De Niro on Trump: I’d Like to Punch Him in the Face

Bethie on Robert De Niro: I’d Like to See Him Punch Trump in the Face

– What Happened to North Carolina?

Shit, I don’t know. I thought it was tossed on the foyer table? Everyone start checking under the couch cushions. I’m going to look in the jeans Uncle Sam was wearing last night. Let’s hope it didn’t go through the wash!

– Wet and Wild: New Jersey Teens Travel 1000 Miles for Matthew

Fucking. Dopes.

– Vegan Mom Faces Charges for Feeding Tot Only Fruit and Nuts

This one is interesting. Makes you wonder when the other side of the debate will hit and parents who only feed their kids junk food will be charged. I’m in no way pro vegan. I embrace the fact that I am designed to be omnivorous and love me some charred animal flesh. But, I’m also in no way pro junk food diet. It’ll be interesting to see how far this goes and what the result will lead to.

“Bethie? I thought we were making jokes, not social commentary?”

Oh. Right.

– Leaked Video Shows Donald Trump Making Lewd Comments About Women

If this news legitimately surprised you, then step right up, because I’ve got this fantastic bridge I’d like to sell you!

– Should Retailers Close for Thanksgiving?

Gee, let me think about that one. *rolly eyes*

– Curiosity Self-Portrait And Other Incredible Space Photos

Our robots take selfies. If this doesn’t prove that we’ve taken artificial intelligence too far, I don’t know what does.

– Feds Investigating Smoking Samsung Phone that Forced Plane Evacuation

Smoking on a plane? Oooh, Samsung such a badass.

– Saturday is ‘Observe the Moon Night’

I guess I didn’t get the memo because I showed up early to that party last night. Oops. Don’t I feel foolish.

– UK’s Chatty Fish to Be Recorded

“Put the batter down! I’ll talk! Please, for the love of god…I have a wife and sixty three children, mate!”

– Bees Taught to Pull String for Reward, Then Teach Other Bees

These experiments are more of a sociological study than anything else. Someone sat there looking at a bee and thought, “Say, I wonder if I could make this bee pull a string?” I’m personally very glad that dude is in a lab and not mixing in the general population. Really think about it. There is nothing at all in a bee’s normal course of life that would make a sane person believe it could pull a string. Wtf.

– Norway’s PM Caught Playing Pokemon Go In Parliament

BAHAHAHA!!!

– Creepy Clown Sightings Are a Nightmare for the World Clown Association

Holy shit, guys. They’ve got an association. They’re organized now. THIS is how society will end!

– Do Fish Flirt In Regional Accents?

SEE? Scientists are weirdos.

– Artist Recreates Childhood Toys Entirely Out of Clay

…why? I mean, just get the toys. You can find them on ebay. And you’re not breaking any copyright laws to do it.

– Body Positivity Has Hit the Mainstream. Now What?

Now we move on and actually start thinking about things that matter.

– Is Spencer Prat the Atest and Reatest Food Star to Emerge on YouTube?

What? Are you having a stroke, USA Today?

– Dad Pays $39 to Hold Baby After Birth

It’s almost as if there’s no oversight in our hospital system so they feel they can get away with taking advantage of people during an emotionally unstable period in their life or something. Huh.

– How to Eat Like A Nomad

…okay, I’m intrigued. I tried not to be, but come on! Admit it…you now have questions, too.

– ‘Honor Killings’ Outlawed, Even if Family Approves

It’s 2016 and this is an actual thing that JUST happened. Let that sink in for awhile. Holy. Shit.

– Did Fox Reporter Go Too Far?

Isn’t that pretty much a job requirement at Fox?

– Hurricane Matthew Threatening Some of South’s Most Storied Cities

Oh. My. Gawd. I just figured it out. Follow me on this. We know that our national landmarks are becoming endangered, right? Some of these landmarks are in the middle of cities. Have you ever wondered why? Hm. Maybe because someone is trying to take your focus away from the landmarks by building up a bustling city around them, aka govenrmentally constructed distractions. Ask yourself this: What are they trying to hide? What’s behind the smoke and mirrors of streets and buildings? They clearly don’t want you to find out, because as soon as it became obvious that those of us who want to know wouldn’t let the neon lights of civilization blind us to the truth, they engineered a “hurricane”- aka secret military swat team that will go in after the sheeple have evacuated and create “storm damage”- to wipe out these “historical places.” Follow the breadcrumbs, people. It all makes sense.

Illuminati CONFIRMED.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, October 8, 2016. Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that I was making the icing roses improperly, and that she would know because she has made “real cakes” her whole life. Folks, it took every ounce of personal restraint I had not to end up in this here Roundup with a headline like: The Customer May Not Always Be Right: Local Cake Decorator Shoves ‘Real’ Icing Rose Up Rude Customer’s Nose.

The weekend is just getting started. Check headlines on Monday. You never know.

No sane person wears a red sponge nose…

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Mornin’ all.

As you can see, I survived the attempted poisoning-by-coffee the other morning, though it took a rapid infusion of Zantac to pull through. I had a heart to heart with Teen Beta about the long term dangers of drinking his own alchemy experiments and suggested that instead, he saved his yearning for scientific discovery for the lab. I mean, the instructions on how NOT to make a pot of coffee that will level his mother are right on the can. No science necessary.

I just don’t want him to go down the same path I did. I didn’t really make coffee in my formative years. As a teen, I pretty much just drank it when my older sister took me out to breakfast in the morning, and only then because it seemed like the thing to do at the diner. My first husband wasn’t a coffee drinker, either, and we didn’t even own a coffee pot. I didn’t start really drinking coffee until I gave up soda like 10 years ago.

I’m just not a natural coffee drinker. I didn’t learn the dos and donts until too late in life to make them a habit. It’s understandable when I just dump grounds into the basket because, at heart, I’m still not really a true coffee drinker. But my kid? I’m trying my best to give him a better shot at adulthood.

When you strip away everything else, at the end of the day, I don’t give a shit what my coffee tastes like. It’s a hollow existence, really.

I want more for him. *sniff* Doesn’t every mother?

All the kids are finally back at school! Yay! See, the teens started last week, and the youngest pup started yesterday. We are in a small town that decided to outsource teen education while at the same time fortifying the elementary school realm by declaring itself its own SAU (School Administrative Unit, for anyone who’s unfamiliar with the term. Think of it like counties, only for schools). As such, the elementary school students of my fair hamlet are on a different attendance schedule from the high school students. It’s annoying as hell. Get your shit together, SAUs.

The Pup was extremely worried about starting fifth grade. Here, fifth grade is in a different building. It’s his first “big step”. They also have different teachers for different subjects, play on a different playground with fewer activity options, eat in a new cafeteria, and have lockers. WITH LOCKS.

It’s big league, folks.

He’s a worrier. I have no idea at all who he gets it from *she says and she chews her lip in agitation while she tries to decide if she’s gone so far with the sarcasm that no one will even GET that it’s sarcastic because one really never knows how one’s words can be interpreted through the screen without the added bonus of physical cues to clarify the social situation. Not that she’d be better at a face to face social interaction, because, let’s be honest: everyone knows some people are better on paper. They just are. But now she’s rambling, isn’t she? Shit. There’s no way to save this steaming pile, is there? Should she just to hide and hope the world forgets she opened her mouth at all? Aw hell.*

Not only does he worry, but he’s a super intense person. You ever meet someone and are just like, “Whoa. That dude is INTENSE about EVERYTHING?” Yeah, that’s my little Pup. He is all-in, no matter what he’s focused on. That’s great in a lot of ways. But, it’s also terrible when he turns that focus inside, on his fears and trepidation.

As it turns out, no need to worry! He is in class with his favorite buddy, and the bully who’s tormented him for years has been stranded. Yes, the little fucker is in the same class as my Pup, BUT all of his cronies are elsewhere. The school FINALLY split up the Terrible Triad. And it came to pass that there was great rejoicing through the land, for lo, the Cerberus had been defeated.

I’ve got two Sr. Teens this year. *sniff* I begged one of them to take a dive on his grades, stay back a year, and make graduation just a little easier on my tender emotions. They both said, “Nah.” Teen Prime turns 18 next week. *sniff**sniff* Teen Beta turns 16. *sniff**sniff**sniff* Teen 2.0 has a full on mustache now. *BAWLING SOBS*

Too fast. They are all growing up WAY too fast.

And I’m feeling it, folks. The sniffing and bawling for comedic effect isn’t all that far off from the reality. I’ll randomly look at one of these tall behemoths and wonder where my little snot faces went and then have a sappy “oh shit…my face is starting to leak again” moment.

It’s so weird, this position in life. I’m sure some of you reading this are already past it. But, I know a good amount of you haven’t gotten here yet. Watching your kids turn into adults is bizarre. You’re constantly pulled in two directions about every new change. I WANT them to grow up. I WANT them to be successful adults. I WANT them to start their own lives and have their own adventures and find their own special someone and start their own home so I can come and visit and spoil the grandkids. I do. I truly want that for all of them.

But I want them to still be my babies, too. My gaming buddies. My “in” with all the new and weird and exciting in the world. I want to be able to turn around when a bad pun occurs and see the disappointed look on their faces as they shake their heads at my lameness.

Like I said, I know that every single parent hits this point. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t think it would be so damn hard.

Muh. I’m bringing everyone down, aren’t I? Let’s see if we can lighten the mood. It’s payday, after all, and no one should be sad on pay day, right? What can we do to bring the fun back into this Muse? Hmm. Gee. I wonder.

*opening chord of catchy theme music*

Uh, hey go-go dancers? Can you help us out?

*epic can can routine begins on center stage*

Only one way to liven things up around here. It’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Everyone, give the band and the dancers a round of applause for that invigorating intro! Bravo! Brava! Uh…bon appetite?

So, it’s a Roundup. For any newbs here, a Headline Roundup happens when I read the internet newsy type sites and their headlines set me off. Sometimes the headlines are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re just weird. And sometimes the headline is fine, I’m just the oddball and need to share. We always keep our headlines 100% all natural as they appear in the wild. No preservatives, artificial flavors, or GMOs. I just supply the witty commentary.

*editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to point out that the “GMO free” label is for laughs only. Of COURSE there are GMOs. Every single thing we eat is a product of thousands of years of genetically engineering food, dopes. If you eat, you DO consume genetically modified food. Just like your ancestors. Nothing new. Nothing scary. I am getting SO sick of…

*author’s note: ACHEM. Can you put the soap box away? I’m trynna do a Roundup here!*

*editor’s note: Oh. Heh. Uh…sorry. Carry on. #GMOs4life…literally *

IF there are no more interruptions…*looks at the editor*…and we’re all clear how this works, then let’s begin.

– Trump Camp Sued By Kids’ Dance Troupe

Children. Even C H I L D R E N know the score! COME ON AMERICA.

– Karlie Kloss’ Trainer Chooses Sleep Over Workouts

If that’s what it takes, then I must be the absolute Queen super model. Well shit. Better jet off to Milan or something. I’mma just lie down for a minute first…

– 815 Pounds of Cocaine Found in Coca Cola Factory

Sometimes this hipster trend of reverting to the “original recipe” goes slightly awry.

– Miss Texas USA Completely Bombs First Pitch Attempt

OUTRAGE! We can’t have a “USA” pageant queen disgrace America’s pastime like that! If you can’t pitch a baseball while wearing platform heels, fake nails, a tiara, and your beauty sash because execs told you that you MUST look pretty for the camera, you don’t deserve the title. Let’s start a campaign to strip her of her sash right now. #norespectforAmerica

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

I’m impressed he could get a car started in the first place. You’d think he’d just flop around in the seat.

– Trout Involved in Car Crash

Don’t feel bad, buddy. Everyone crashes on Rainbow Road.

*a fishing AND gaming joke there! My kids would be so pissed off if they read that. SCORE.*

– Hailey Baldwin Reveals Her Celebrity Crush

I’m feeling a bit bitchy today. I think I’ll leave you all hanging.

– Why the IRS May Delay Your Tax Return Next Year

Oh, I dunno…maybe because financial news is boring and there’s almost nothing at all they could write to get people to actually click on an article unless it “might” impact their tax return so the editor is forced to throw out a random wild theory that “may” happen just to get people to click enough times to generate some actual ad revenue? Just a guess.

– Close Call: Navy Pilots Recount Avoiding Crash off Air Craft Carrier

“So, like, we could have crashed, but we just, you know, turned slightly to the left and, like…didn’t.”

– Photo Allegedly Shows Clown Trying to Lure Kids Into Woods in SC

And now we’ve taken a left onto Nope Street in the center of Nopeville, in the merry old land of Nope.

– Anthony Weiner, Who Always Has Something to Say, Goes Silent

About fucking time. He has GOT to be the biggest dope in politics.

– Trump Doubles-down on Border Wall, Insists Mexico Will Pay for It

…hm. Fair point. Okay, so Weiner is the world’s SECOND biggest dope.

– Free Speech or Criminal Threats?

Tough choice. I think I’ll go with free speech, please.

– At Lake Tahoe, Obama Links Conservation to Climate Change

You wily bastards, AP. He linked conservation efforts to a demonstrative SLOWING and EASING of climate change. If you don’t think you’re manipulated at every level of the news, you’re dreaming. Even the headlines slant the story.

– NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Set To Sit Out National Anthem Again on ‘Military Night’ in San Diego

As is his right, folks. It’s the same right that allows you to blast him on social media for doing it. You can’t take away his RIGHTS because of your OPINION. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like what he did. That’s not how freedom works. Gawd I wish more people would remember that.

– Pennsylvania Professor Goes on Hunger Strike Over Tenure Denial

Holy shit. People still have hunger strikes?

– A Sketchy Business

I like how detailed and clear this headline is. Succinctly covers the 5 Ws of journalism. Well done.

– 3.7-billion Year Old Fossil Makes Life on Mars Less of a Long Shot

False. 3.7-billion year old fossils on Earth have zero impact on Mars. #it’strue.Lookitup.

– Couple Faked Everest Climb

Dig it…an Indian couple completely faked climbing up Everest by photoshopping themselves into summit pics. The Nepalese government was so upset at the couple that they BANNED them from climbing any of Nepal’s mountains for TEN YEARS! I can’t tell if it’s a massive overreaction for a photoshop lie, or if it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine if this set precedence for all walks of photoshopping. Phil from accounting showing a photo of him and his hot Canadian girlfriend and sticking with the story even though you can totally see the trademark for the frame company on her sweater, PHIL? Banned from the break room, ten years! Kardashians caught once again cutting and pasting? 10 year magazine cover ban. BOOM. So many positive possibilities. I give you props, Nepal. You’re really onto something.

– Are the Clown Sightings in South Carolina Real?

Better stay away from the entire state just in case.

– Pollsters Fight To Figure Out Trump Phenomenon

People like being angry. They really like having others be angry with them. And they go absolutely gaga when someone in power tells them their anger is a-ok. Mystery solved.

– Why Trump’s ‘Black Outreach’ Is Backfiring

Maybe because he hates black people? That might just have a little something to do with it.

– ‘Bad Apple Culprit’ Hit Pacific Northwest Homes

A dude is going around Portland tossing rotten apples onto people’s roofs. Best hide yo kids and hide yo wives. Those are some mean streets out there.

– Now You Can Buy Adorable Wigs for Your Pets

NO. You stop it. Stop it right now.

– UK Non-profit Hires its First Hedgehog Officer

*facepalms* Guys? Maybe not the best way to make folks take your non-profit seriously.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

*blurrppff* OMG. I just threw up a little.

– Meet the Couple That Coordinates Their Outfits Every Day

…actually, on second thought, I’m picturing my man out in public wearing a matching t-shirt to the one I’ve got on right now. Kittens in space riding a unicorn past a glittery, rainbow-colored moon. I MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

– Canadian Man Dressed As Hockey Goalie Steals Beer

I feel like they didn’t even have to tell us he was Canadian. Kind of implied with the rest of the headline there.

– Former KKK Leader Praises Trump Speech on Immigration

Of.

Course.

He.

Did.

-Planet 9 Found Past Neptune?

Yeah. It’s called Pluto.

– 7 Of Hillary’s Biggest Flip-Flops

Number 3 on the list is my favorite…a pair she picked up on vacation at Arcadia that have seashells glued to the top. Size 10, because that’s all that was in stock and how could she POSSIBLY walk away from seashell flip-flops?

– How to Appear Rich Without Spending Much Money
1. Glitter.

2. Gold spray paint.

3. Lee Press-on Nails

You’re welcome.

– Leslie Jones’ Weight Loss Highlights Up and Down Year

Leslie Jones is a black actress who has recently been the target of the most vile, hateful, racist abuse online I think I’ve ever seen. But guess what, guys? She’s skinnier now! It’s all okay!! *twitch**twitch* Fuck you, Hollywood.

– Another Creepy Clown Incident Reported in Ohio

Oh shit. It’s spreading. #clownapocalypse

– Report: Half of Americans Uncomfortable Visiting Places with Reported Zika Cases

Wait. Didn’t you hear me? Stop muddying the waters with your red herrings. Zika is only rarely fatal. CAN THE SAME BE SAID OF CLOWNS? #wakeupsheeple

– Teen Reports He Was Chased Down By a Clown With a Knife

It has begun.

This is not a drill. Barricade yourselves in your fallout shelters and do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the balloon animals hypnotize you when the clowns come knocking.

Stay strong.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, September 2, 2016. It’ll take me a couple weeks to get the underground network of rebels to band together. Right now folks are still worried about personal safety above all else. I get that. Society needs a bit of “me” time before they can see the importance of developing a strong, unified front against the clowns. It WILL happen, though, and we WILL need your help. Set your ham radios to channel 16 on frequency 156.80 and listen for instructions on joining the fight against the funambulist tyranny!

Time to wrangle the world for a bit

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Mornin’ all.

Has coffee ever just stopped working for you?

It seems like the past couple weeks, my morning Joe does nothing for my pep and vigor. I tried making it even stronger to no avail. I mean, I still had the shakes and twitches, and the alarming sizzle coming from my belly made me tone it back down. But, it didn’t wake me up. No zip. No pop. My nap in a cup seems to be malfunctioning.

What if this is permanent? What if I can’t ever get a buzz from coffee again?!

“*gasp*!”

I KNOW RIGHT!? It’s a terrifying prospect. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary hiccup. I would hate to have to try…tea. *shudder*

Let’s talk about something else. I can’t take the thought of “pinkies up” being my only wake-up option!

I know it’s only technically been a few days, but how’s your summer so far?

Ours has started off with bizarre weather. There’s an old saying about New England: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes. This year, that saying rings particularly true. We went from 92 degrees to 60 and windy as hell, to 70 with a low of 42, then up to 85 again…all in the span of a couple days. I don’t know if the meteorological roller coaster is supposed to continue through the entire summer, but it’s making planning outdoorsy type stuff difficult.

We had a hot day this week where the wind calmed to a dull gale, so I took my kiddies to the town beach.

I don’t know how things operate in other parts of the country, but here, if a town has a lake within their borders, and they see fit to clear enough trees to make a parking area, then they’ve got themselves a town beach. Residents of the town can use the beach for a fee, and the fee varies. Some places make you buy a town beach sticker. Some just ask you to show your car registration upon entry.

Here, a dump sticker is the golden ticket to get to swim in the lake. If you’ve paid your yearly dues for the privilege of handing your refuse over to the underpaid staff of the uppity dump, then step right up and have unfettered access to a natural wonder!

…wellll…not exactly unfettered. To get to our beach, you have to walk down two flights of concrete stairs. To keep erosion at bay, the town also installed concrete walls. Huge, gray, concrete walls. The entire beach is surrounded by concrete. It’s like Nature’s prison cell. With umbrellas.

Once you get down to the sand, you’ll discover that the beach is only about a hundred feet long or so. And the “swim area” goes out maybe thirty feet into the lake.

Now, I’m assuming that you’re picking up my tone with this and get the fact that I think putting such restrictions on nature is utterly absurd. I think there should be open points of access to the lake for all people to enjoy, free from looming concrete walls and a thirty-foot-from-the-shore swim limit. But, at the end of the day, that’s how the town plays it, and my kids wanted to swim. And hey…it’s still better than a pool.

So I took them to swim and frolic in an eerily confined manner.

Because the beach is surrounded by gigantic concrete walls, it’s an echo chamber. I don’t think the mom club that was there that day realized that every little whisper can be heard anywhere within the Bellyflop Dome.

This is a small town. While it’s true that means I know far more about my neighbors on average than I probably should, I really, REALLY didn’t need to hear about the bikini-Mom’s episiotomy stitch failure because of an over-anxious husband after she had her last baby. Coulda done without that knowledge.

Ah well. The kids had some fun. I got some sun. And bikini-Mom got to soothe her aching bits in the water. Wins all around.

Talking to you is helping to wake me up far better than Traitor Joe’s been doing these days. Let’s keep it up. In fact, let’s KICK it up. You know what I’m talking about. I think we all could use a little…

*catchy theme music* *go go dancers can-can on stage*

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Wowie! What a routine! Brava, ladies! I feel more invigorated already.

Yep, another Roundup. I know I’ve been doing them with more regularity these days. Of course I am. The world has gone completely bonkers, and it’s either poke fun or cry. I choose option A.

For any newbs here, we have ourselves a Roundup when we read news headlines we simply cannot ignore. I scour the sticky fibers of internet news sites and bring you the headlines that pop out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing. But mostly, they just put an image in my head I can’t resist sharing. As always, these headlines are 100% real. I just supply a side of snark.

– Brexit Vote Shocks World Leaders

I had to. It’s THE news story of the week. Somehow the UK voted to leave the EU, in spite of the fact that no intelligent person supported the exit.

– Trump Touts ‘Brexit’ as Triumph

See? SEE?! If Donald Trump likes your idea, IT’S A BAD IDEA.

– Economy Takes Major Hit With Brexit News

Of course it did. This is exactly what they knew would happen. They were warned by every expert that this would happen and would continue to snowball. Only an idiot can take the warnings of the experts and completely ignore them.

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

Y’all, naw. Didn’t you JUST hear what happened with the UK? And their economy? And the upheaval it’s causing?

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

But if you do this, life will not suddenly be rainbows and unicorns. It will be the exact opposite. You’ll…

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

*sigh* Fine, then. Bye Felicia.

– Marijuana Use Rises in Iran, With Little Interference

Is pot smoking really Iran’s biggest problem? Really?

– Styled for Survival: This Company Makes Bulletproof Fashionable

I can’t. I just can’t even with this shit today.

– Jack Daniel’s Embraces a Hidden Ingredient: Help From A Slave

And judging by the comments after the article, it’s certainly going to be tough to swallow for many in Jack Daniel’s demographic.

…and yes, pun ALWAYS intended.

– Inside US Scientists’ Test to Grow Potatoes on Mars

Matt Damon already proved you can do that. Pfft. Have a little originality, NASA.

– Who Would Fake a Tragedy on Facebook Just to Get Sympathy and Attention?

The same people who make shit up in real life. Are we surprised that people who are asswads in real life don’t hesitate to take their asswaddery to social media??

– Mother Pens Open Letter When Her Son With Down’s Syndrome Didn’t Get Invited to Birthday Party

…I’m not sayin’ this necessarily goes with the previous article, but…

– Browser the Cat Loses Texas Library Mascot Gig Over Puppy Spat With City Council

Okay, I’m totally turned around on the Texit. Let me help you pack your bags, Texas.

– Gun Advocate Shoots and Kills 2 Daughters Before Being Killed by Police Herself

The cops actually shot a white suburban female criminal. #truefeminism #equality

– Dalai Lama, Lady Gaga Urge Kindness in Indy

Can’t read my, can’t read my citta-matraaaa….

– Survey: Older Drivers Want Car Tech to Stay Behind the Wheel

You’re trying to tell me older folks are resistant to newfangled gizmos? Hogwash and balderdash!

– Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

Top headline in the No Shit Gazette today.

– Tenn. Couple in Same-Sex Ruling Quietly Celebrates

…with full press coverage. Just a small affair with millions of their closest friends.

– In Maine, Sustainability Showdown Scraps Seaweed Shindig

As a non-Maine New Englander, it’s kind of my obligation to skewer them. But you know what? They’re still reeling from the loss of their seaweed hootenanny. They have so little up there as it is, and the disappointment must be intense. Let’s not kick them when they’re down.

– Boston Bombing Survivors Visit Pulse Shooting Victims

Most awkward one-upmanship contest ever.

– Most Iconic Restaurants in All 50 States

They claim it’s the Portsmouth Brewery for NH. Bitch please. Everyone knows it’s Newick’s. *603 fistbump*

– Drones Take a Big Step Toward the Mainstream

NO. #fighttherobotuprising #no-verlord.com

– Pastor Battles Colorado City Over Jesus-related Ads on Bus Benches

…da faq is a Jesus-related ad? “WWJD? Jesus would pick up the phone right now and take advantage of this offer for insane savings…”

*author’s note: For the record, I could have made that so, SO much worse. If that made you mad, just know that if I had gone with my initial quip, you’d be punching your computer screen in rage. I saved your electronics. I’ve got your back.*

– The Dirty Secret of Airbnb is That It’s Really, Really White

Look. Lay out the basic idea for Airbnb in straight facts: It’s a business that allows people to go on vacations they can’t really afford (because Betty’s family took one and goddamn if they’ll let that strumpet show them up) by offering them the ability to stay at a complete stranger’s house (because for some unfathomable reason there’s an innate trust in those who ALSO want to take vacations THEY can’t afford)… I don’t know if there has ever been a more white business plan in the last decade. Is it right? No. But is this a secret to anyone? It really, really shouldn’t be.

– Clinton: Cities Are Where Things Are ‘Getting Done’

Wow. Glad she’s got a deep, meaningful insight to our nation’s economy.

*oops, got a little too much sarcasm on your screen. Lemme just squeegee that off for ya…*

– Mobster ‘Whitey Bulger’ Auction Raises Over $100,000

$100,000!? Who ARE these people that buy this shit!? Who says, “Holy cow, Eunice! Whitey Bulger’s humidor is up for sale! Think of how many blood splatters it’s got! I MUST OWN THIS.” ??!?! Sick fucks, that’s who. #pleaseletthemallmovetoTexasbeforeTexit

– How to in 60 Seconds Make-up

…huh? Like, after a fight? Cosmetic make-up? Imagination churning? Any clue at all would be helpful.

– ‘Regretting Motherhood’ Debate Rages in Germany

I don’t understand the debate here. “I regret becoming eine mutter.” “NEIN.” “But…” “I SAID NEIN.”

– An Animated Video Shows Why China is Right- And the US Is Wrong- In the South China Sea

*gasp* Animated!? Well then it MUST be true.

– Partying in Lebanon Means Shooting Guns in the Air- Even Though it Kills People

Ain’t no party like a Lebanese party cuz a Lebanese party only stops for the people who get killed. Woot woot.

– White Nationalists, Protesters Clash in California; 10 Hurt

I don’t even feel bad for hoping that the injured were all on the Klan side.

– David Bowie’s Hair Might Fetch More Than $4,000

Oooh, we have ourselves a philosophical conundrum this morning. What’s creepier: buying Whitey Bulger merch, or getting giddy over the prospect of holding a dead dude’s hair? *strokes beard in contemplation*

– The New World’s Fastest Supercomputer is All Chinese

Duh. MY computer is all Chinese. So is my phone, my tv, my tablet… The only thing NOT Chinese about any of this shit is the company name stamped on the outside. We cannot have the Chinese make our shit for 30 years and then be surprised that they picked up some tips along the way. #fact.

– Before the Robots Rise Up, They’ll Be Making Your Next Pizza

Aw shit. I always thought the chef at the pizza place down the way seemed a little distant and not quite right. The question is, is he an android himself, or just an unwitting tool of the impending digital apocalypse? #poorPaco

– New Device Could Help Bike Riders Catch Cars That Drive Too Close

“Okay, I got it. What we do is get a big net…you with me so far?”

– Apple Files Patent to Make it Easier to Use iPhone One-handed

Say it with me: NOBODY CARES.

– Isn’t She Lovely? Meet SweePee Rambo, This Year’s ‘World’s Ugliest Dog’

Um, I think you just answered your own question there.

– Couple Call Police And Report Their Pet Cat is ‘Holding Them Hostage’

Don’t laugh. The struggle is real. #catsaredicks #fluffywuffydicks

– Orthodox Chiefs Warn Over Middle East, Science Dangers

Wow. It’s CUH-RAZY that in this day and age, the Middle Eastern nations are still having conflicts between religion and science. If everyone shunned science, we’d still think the earth was flat! What a backwards, barbaric society.

Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

… … … …

…yeah. Seems like a good place to leave it for the day…

 

Thus concludes a Roundup for Monday, June 27, 2016. I’ve got to crack into another set of window motors in the man’s car today. I don’t know how many it’ll take before I’m an expert in these old w123 windows, but I gotta be getting close at this point. Which is cool. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something. It would be more useful to be an expert in almost anything else. But, if it has to be 32 year old MB diesel window motors, I guess I’ll take it.