It is never a good sign when your fingers sweat from typing…

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Mornin’ all.

Sorry it’s been awhile. It’s been a whirlwind few weeks here filled with…well, life. Stuff. Cleaning, which I mostly got around to, btw. Visitors. Car repairs. Work. Kitties.

Yes, that’s plural on the cats.

No, we did not get another.

We decided to let a buddy bring a guest kitty with him to stay the week. We’ve been sort of thinking of getting our little fur devil a companion, or, if not a companion, maybe her own minion. The teens are growing and spreading their wings more and more away from the house, and we aren’t the only ones to notice. I don’t want my fluffy little buddy to be lonely.

Before we got another four legged tornado, we thought it would be a good idea to introduce her to a guest and see how things go. She’s been flying solo most of her life. We got her as a stray teenage cat, and she’s been the sole recipient of the pettin’ and snugglin’ and furball lovin’ since. We figured having our pal bring his cat along when he visited was a good way to test the waters.

“*snicker*”

Stop it. You stop laughing at me right now! Okay, in hindsight, that does seem a little naive. But cut me some slack. This is my first cat. Well, almost my first. When we were kids, we had a cat for a hot minute before Tommy decided to pack his shit and live a hobo’s life. I have only two memories of him. That’s it. That’s how little he was actually in my life. For all intents and purposes, Zelda is my first cat.

How was I supposed to know that the internet videos of two kitties peacefully basking in the morning sun in a fluffy heap together are staged lies by the Illuminati designed to con people into getting a second cat, thus ensuring that they never get a full night’s sleep as part of a devious plot to turn the populace into mind-numbed zombies ripe for advantage-taking when they’re too bone-weary to notice the androids taking control of the government and funneling taxes to a secret project that will cripple the global economy and enslave us to the New World Order??

Follow the bread crumbs, sheeple.

ANYWAY, I went into the endeavor with rose colored glasses that quickly cracked. In short, it was not smooth sailing and sunshine cuddling, and now I’m dubious about getting a second kitty.

It wasn’t horrid. No one got hurt. Mine hissed and growled, but never even took a swipe or nip at the other. It seemed to almost be just a show. By the end of the week, they were sitting near each other…unless a human walked into the room. It might have been a game to them at that point. We caught them several times just being chill near each other, until they noticed that they were being watched. My new theory is that watching two cats peacefully co-exist is their “go” button. It’s the Wile E. Coyote syndrome. As soon as a situation is observed, things must go awry.

I dunno. My guy has owned cats all his life, and he thinks things went fairly well. A second fluff might not be totally off the table. Maybe a little kitten? Maybe she’d adopt it. She is very motherly to our youngest pup. And Zelda is a very little cat, while the cat who visited was not. Friendly and playful and cute as hell, but not at all little. Perhaps that was a factor in play?

I think I have to do something. In a month, two more teens will graduate high school. Then we’ve got one more brief summer and they’ll be gone, too.

Sidenote: Have any of you finished that time machine I asked you to make? Anyone?? Because I’m about a month away from REALLY needing it. It doesn’t have to jump me back very far. A year or so should do. Just make sure that I can set it to repeat the jump multiple times so my boyos won’t all leave me. Blip me an email when it’s ready and we’ll work out shipping. K, thnx.

Four days ago, it was 40 degrees here. Wet and drizzly all day, with a heavy snow in the hills and slightly north. I couldn’t believe it when I saw snow on the small hill I pass on the way into The Big City to run errands on Sunday. It was bad enough that we had a seasoned vet of NH roads call out of work at the bakery because she kept going off the road. We were a bit dubious until we saw the pictures. It was a real snowstorm.

Yesterday, it topped out at 89 degrees here. Today is supposed to be well into the 90s and humid as hell.

Mother Nature. Real talk now. Girl, what the fuck?

It’s got that heavy, languid feeling to the air this morning, too, so I know the local weather man wasn’t just blowing smoke up our asses again. It’s odd having this type of weather this early. Usually these morbidly oppressive days hit when the heat of summer has wrought its peril on everything green and vibrant. This year, it’s come when the leaves have freshly burst open, when the blossoms are still fragrantly stretching for the early season skies. Instead of trapping in the smell of hot tar and baked dirt and overheating cars, the blanket of humidity is allowing the scents of lilacs and apple blossoms and wet earth and sweet greens to linger heavily in the morning fog. It’s not at all unpleasant.

…yet.

I mean, come on. Today’s supposed to be in the 90s? Are you kidding me!? I wasn’t planning to sweat my balls off for at least another month. UGH. But, at least it smells nice.

Say, you know what this morning needs?

“More coffee?”

Well, yes. That’s always a given. But aside from copious amounts of caffeine, I think we’re missing something to put a little pep in our sweaty ass step. I think we should cue up the band and call the go go dancers, because we’re going to have ourselves a….

“WAIT!”

…what?

“Don’t make the poor dancers perform in this heat.”

Dude, they’re pros. They can handle it. They’ve been training in Florida in the off season.

“But…”

Trust me. They’ve got this. Ladies, to the stage please? Okay, let’s try this again. And a one, and a two…

It’s time for our…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

See? They handled it beautifully. Thank you, dancers. Now everyone go sit in the air conditioned green room and drink plenty of water.

It may be hot as hell, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find things to laugh at, right? For any newbs in the audience, we do a Roundup when I see enough headlines that make me chuckle, rage click, or roll my eyes. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just plain idiotic. Mostly, though, I choose ones that bring out a gut reaction my narcissism urges me to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real from actual online news sites. I just make up the snide comments after. Everyone on the same page? Then let’s get to it.

– He Said Making A Man Get Maternity Insurance Was Crazy. Her Response Went Viral

No One Needs To Know Names. We’re Just Making Shit Up Anyway

– Cromartie’s Wife Pregnant With His 14th Child

He’s an NFL player, not a religious nutbag with a hit TLC show or anything. He’s not building an army for his god, he’s just horny, so it’s okay to scorn him. Let’s do it together on the count of three. One. Two… Boo. Boo. Hiss. #DoubleStandardsCanBeFun

– Osama bin Laden’s Son Calls For Revenge, Attacks On US

Boy, did NOT see this one coming. The bin Laden’s seem like such a peaceable family.

– School District Pulls Suicide Book ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’

…thus missing the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of the book. A problem can’t get better unless we address it, folks. Just sayin’.

– Health Insurers Bilked Medicare, A Whistle-Blower Says

Was a whistle-blower really necessary in this scenario?

– Leading Neo-Nazi Website Courts new Readers…In Spanish

Phew, what a relief it must be to…

“BETHIE STOP! I think you need an internet guideline refresher before you say something that’ll haunt you forever.”

But it’s just a joke.

“This is the internet. There is no such thing as a joke anymore.”

No, that doesn’t sound right. I’m sure I’ve read funny…

“Just look in the book.”

*sigh* Fine. Hang on a second, everyone. *scrambles through the public blogging handbook* *nods sagely before slamming book shut* Sorry, folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties with this punchline. Unfortunately we must cancel this bit. Please move on to the next entry and pretend this never happened.

– ‘Shoot Me,’ Armed Man Told Cop. He Didn’t, And was Fired, Suit Says

Now THAT is how you write clickbait! Take notes, Huff Po.

– Trump’s Travel Bans Spook Some Students, Fan Fears of Broader Chill

…huh? Are you stroking out over there, Reuters? Should we call someone?

– ACLU Calls For End of Neck Holds After Vegas Man’s Death

Neck holds? They’re legal!? *madly googles* OH. It’s just a choke hold with a nicer name. Damn. I was seriously hoping that Vulcan death grips were actually legal somewhere. Just another boring story of police tactics. Bleh. Move on.

– Man Carrying Mother’s Severed Head Stabs Store Worker

I feel like the real story here isn’t so much the stabbing. Perhaps a better way to write the headline would have been, “Store Worker Lucky He was Only Stabbed and Not FUCKING BEHEADED Like Assailant’s Poor Mother”. Gives a bit more punch. You can have that tip for free, USA Today.

– NASA Solves Flash Light Mystery

Turns out they put the batteries in the wrong direction. $4.8 million well spent!

– Doc Suspended For Doing Liposuction In Barn

With a glob glob here and a slurp slurp there…here a nip….there a tuck….everywhere a liposuck…Old McDonald had a farm, eeigh eeigh ohhhh…

– Hackers Linked to Ransomware Threaten ‘Wine of the Month’ Style Attack

We’ll do it. We’ll send you a 2013 Cloudy Bay sauvignon blanc and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We are united. We are strong. #EndingThisJokeBeforeIPissOffAnnonymous

– ‘White Identity Politics’ is Keeping Trump’s Downfall At Bay, Academic Says

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. It’s extraordinarily difficult to impeach a president. We can’t just say “oops, we goofed, our bad” and kick him out. There are certain lines he must cross, and we need rock solid evidence that he has done so. After that, there’s an arduous process of hearings and senatorial votes and recounts and rebuttals… It is totally unreasonable to expect that he would have been impeached already. There are myriad reasons why Trump is still in office, and the very least of them has anything to do with ethnicity, you race baiting ass!

– 7 Creepy McDonald’s Figures You Forgot Existed

I buried those memories for a reason. Leave me in my happy place and stop trying to trigger me.

– ‘People Got To Eat’- Heroic Pizza Guy Delivers to Stalled Train

Heroic. HEROIC. He delivered pizza. That’s literally the very thing he’s paid to do. How in the holy hell is that HEROIC!? GAH

– ‘Cat Man of Aleppo’ Forced To Start Again- From Scratch

This was in the “Good News- News To Brighten Your Day” section. I’m beginning to think the media might be a bit jaded…

– Alex Jones Says He Mischaracterized Chobani Yogurt Factory

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have called it “the place where they make that nasty white shit.” His bad.

– Adults Brawl At High School Graduation Ceremony

The ceremony was being held in a church, too. Keepin’ it classy, Tennessee.

– Nearly 400 Birds Fly Into Texas Skyscraper and Die

Boy, the Taliban sure is…

“BETHIE.”

Oh. Right. Handbook. Uh, poor birdies, am I right? Golly gee that’s too bad.

– Emergency Landing for JetBlue Flight That Hit Bird

Way to go JetBlue! That’s one more terrorist out of commission!

…what? Don’t look at me like that. I can take scorn. I can take disgust. But when you turn the disappointed eyes my way, it cuts, man. It cuts deep.

– Any Half-Decent Hacker Could Break Into Mar-a-Lago

OMG. Did…did the press just taunt hackers into trying to break into the stupidly named vacation spot of the pres??

– New Baylor Lawsuit Alleges Rape Video, Dog Fighting

WHAT? Dog fighting?? I mean, yeah, there was the rape, blah blah…but dog fighting!? Now it’s gotten serious. That, sir, is beyond the pale! Someone must stop these universities from abusing dogs!

“Uh…what about the raping?”

Didn’t you get the memo that folks don’t care so much about that part? Let’s fight the battles we can win. #OfCOURSEI’mBeingSarcastic.Shit.

– Dutch King’s Secret Flights As Co-pilot

I think someone has an unhealthy obsession with Disney’s Aladdin…

– Talks On Airplane Laptop Ban End With No Ban, More Talks

Anyone who’s ever sat in on a planning session at work could tell you how this was going to turn out. Bet they were only there for the free bagels anyway.

– Putin Says He Can Prove Trump Did Not Share Secrets

“Look at this email Don gave me. It says nothing about secrets.” “Uh, Vlad? That’s dated this morning.” “Da.” “And it’s from your other email account.” “Da.” “…but…” *Putin slowly lifts syringe into view* “Proof, da?” *special agent gulps* “Oh. Uh, right. Heh. Heh. Boy, look at that. Good enough for me, boys. Rock solid.”

– Report: Trump Aides Had At Least 18 Exchanges With Russians

You’d think that…

*Vlad slowly raises syringe into view*

…Look at this fake news. Isn’t it fake.

*Vlad wiggles syringe*

Fake fake fakeity fake. Sure is fake.

*Vlad nods, starts to walk away*

Just kidding it’s totally real and there’s nothing they can do to shut me up!

*Vlad stops, slowly turns* “Vat?”

Nothing. Oh, hey, look. A headline about Austria!

*Vlad stares for a minute before shrugging and walking away*

Oy vey. That was close.

– Austrian Parliament Passes Burqa Ban

I’m not going to pretend to understand the complexities of the recent influx of refugees to Europe and what it is doing to their society. I will say, though, that the way to incorporate a different people into your society isn’t by banning the things that are important to them which in no way harm other people. If the burqa is banned, the nun’s coif should be as well. Or the mandatory dresses the women of certain Christian sects must wear. Or a priest’s collar. I feel that they’re going down a slippery slope here, I really do. No jokes. Just food for thought.

– Lucky Charms Giving Away Marshmallow-Only Boxes

After years of claiming to be any sort of healthy breakfast, I’m actually okay with them saying “FUCK IT let’s not even pretend anymore.” It’s refreshing.

– Perfect Strangers Swap Kindness…and A Kidney

The DIY channel is really reaching with their new fixer upper line up.

– Youngest-ever Texas Christian Grad Says He Has No Regrets

Well why would you think he did?? “I’m super smart and setting records and got a free ride doing it. Boy, if I could go back in time, I’d fail a few tests here or there, make life more of a struggle for myself.” Is that what you were expecting, Fox News? What a stupid waste of bytes.

– Republicans Worry Trump Scandals May Doom Legislative Agenda

That is some deep poli-sci shit right there.

– Federal Investigators Head to Deadly Jet Crash Site

“Field trip!” “Damnit, Jeffrey! Calm down! You are a federal investigator on a very serious and important case.” “Ooh! Can we stop at McDonald’s?” “No, Geena, we cannot stop at McDonald’s. We will go straight to the crash site and…” “I want a Frosty!” “CARL!” “That’s Wendy’s, you idiot.” “WILL YOU ALL SIT DOWN AND ACT LIKE PROFESSIONALS?” *crickets**crickets* “Um, Mr. Special Agent in charge? I think I’m gonna be car sick…”

I guess a field trip will always be a field trip, no matter how old you are.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Thursday, May 18, 2017. Good luck to everyone battling the early season heat wave. I didn’t dare put away my heater for the summer, but I’ve also installed the a/c. Ah, life in NH…