I think I’m morally obligated to fill the plastic eggs with actual raw eggs…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Did I tell you about the cheese under the cake case?

The other day at work, my boss was stocking the tables with muffins and crème cakes and all sorts of unhealthy deliciousness, when something under my cake case caught her eye. It was a Longhorn gift card, one that had been taken off the large round display of gift cards for sale in the bakery.

My boss picked it up, then recoiled. It seems that the card was placed under the case to hide…cheese. Two slices, with bites taken around the edges. Looked like provolone. Cheese slice middles, sitting there, under a gift card under a cake case.

The deli is our store neighbor. The rounder of gift cards sits slightly toward the deli, right on our departmental border.

This is a thing that actually happened. Someone got a sample of cheese from the deli, wandered over and grabbed a gift card, then placed the cheese on the floor and covered it up with the gift card. And then they simply walked away.

Why.

WHY!?

Why would anyone do this? HOW could they even think it up in the first place? We have trash cans. We have napkins. Shit, even if they didn’t realize that and were just looking to ditch the unwanted cheese, why go the extra step of hiding it under a gift card?

I have never in my life taken a sample of something and hated it so much that I needed to hide all evidence of it ever having been a part of my life. Who does that? WHO IS THIS PERSON?? Who could even have this thought process in the first place? What else have they done in life?!??!

We’ve got some maniacs in this world, people. Stay vigilant.

So today is both Easter and April Fool’s Day!

Now, I could very easily make a joke here. Too easily, actually. I mean, it writes itself, when you think about it. Instead, I think I’ll make jokes about other things. Cue the music, because we need a…

*** EASTER/FOOL’S ROUNDUPSTRAVAGANZA!!!! ***

I have been gathering headlines for a month now, hoarding them as only a truly mentally unstable individual can. Some of them are dated, most of them are actually old news by now, but I’ve got to clean out the mental shelves and make room for more. It’s spring, after all, even if the weather’s not that keen on cooperating.

Those in the know are familiar with the schtick, but for any newbs, here’s how it works: I find headlines that speak to me. Maybe they say, “Hm, here’s something interesting.” Perhaps they call, “…wtf?” Sometimes they just say, “Durrrhurrrrrr.” I scour, I search, I listen for these tag lines to call my attention, then present the choice ones to you…with jokes. Or commentary. Or, in some cases, a good ol’ soap box observation. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just make up the bs after.

Got it? Good. Let’s do this.

– Fourth Nor’easter in a Month Takes Aim At New England

Because apparently Nature lost her calendar.

– What Is A Shamrock Shake? What to Know About McDonald’s Iconic Dessert

People say real journalism is dead, but then a hard and gritty look at real life such as this piece comes along and renews our faith in the profession.

– Woman Restrained After Trying to Open Cabin Door During Flight

While that is definitely a fair response to such an action, I give it less than a month before we see a follow up headline announcing her lawsuit against the airline.

Oooh! New game idea, folks! Let’s make a lawsuit office pool. Here are the rules: Everyone pitches in $2. We’re going to bet on two different aspects: when the lawsuit is announced, and what exactly the woman is claiming. I’m going to say that her lawyers will announce a suit on April 3rd, and they’ll be requesting damages for excessive force. *ching-clang of quarters and nickles hitting the pot* Who’s next?

– Woman Falls From Plane Door

Different woman, different plane. I think my new game has already gone viral, but I’m not sure people are actually understanding the rules…

– Your Location Data is Being Sold- Often Without Your Knowledge

Wow holy shit! This is totally the fast breaking news story of 2002!

– Kim Jong Un Calls For a ‘New History’

…ummm…I don’t think that’s how it works…

– Fights Erupt, 12 Arrested Ahead of White Nationalist’s Speech

Huh. These are generally very calm events lacking emotions or heated convictions. In fact, it’s widely known that folks who attend these rallies do so in order to get away from the hustle and chaos of everyday life. I’ve often heard them compared to accounting symposiums. Weird that they’d do such a drastic 180.

– 36 Exotic Animals Disappear From Florida Wildlife Sanctuary After Fake ‘Help Yourself’ Ad

Don’t send me hate mail or anything, PETA, but I would watch the hell out of this movie.

– Washington Becomes First State to Pass Law Protecting Net Neutrality

Let us pause for a moment to give Washington a standing ovation. Join me now. *WILD CLAPPING* *WHISTLES* *HOOTS* *HOLLERS* *flings bra up on stage* Bravo, Washington. Now, everyone else…ditto that shit STAT.

– California Hospital on Quake Fault Set to Close

I once set an entire tray of cupcakes down on the counter at work and promptly knocked it to the floor with my elbow. Bad days on the job happen. However, I never built a hospital on an earthquake fault line. I don’t know, but that might just be a world record for incompetence. Someone check with Guinness.

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I hope you didn’t hang up on Guinness just yet…

– Teen’s Tears of Joy Go Viral After He’s Accepted to Dream School

Ohhh boy…ummmm…this is awkward…

– University Sends Acceptance Emails to Wrong Students

I’ve given this some thought, and I believe you really dodged a bullet here, kiddo. Yes, you will now spend the rest of your life trying to live down the viral fame of what was ultimately failure. BUT, if the university can’t even figure out how to email, do you really want to pay them $30K/year? Silver lining, bud. #IGYB

– Alligator in Florida Caught ‘Window Shopping’ at Store Called Junque In The Trunk

WOW. FYI, he wasn’t shopping, he was mourning the handbag that used to be his best friend. Maybe try to understand alligator culture a little before you try and make jokes. #GatorFeelings

– Army Admits Mishandling War Dogs, Will Comply With Call for Reform

Exactly how does one “properly” handle an innocent animal that’s forced against its will to participate in a life threatening war it had absolutely nothing to do with starting?? No jokes here, folks. This legitimately pisses me off. One species should not be able to rope another one into their personal war. At all, ever, no matter how they treat the animal in the not-getting-them-killed down times between missions. We have the ability to think and reason and agree on morality. We should be better than this.

– Panama Hotel Ditches Trump Branding

I would totally sit through the three hour presentation on the wonders of time-sharing at this hotel if it meant we could learn the secret of how to ditch Trump.

– White House Clarifies Trump-N.Korea ‘call’, says He Meant South Korea

*adds extra notebook to the suitcase while talking to Panama hotel rep about time-share presentation openings*

– Amid Leader’s Power Grab, China Bans These Three Phrases From the Internet

I couldn’t leave you hanging on this one. The phrases are “personality cult”, “my emperor,” and “Winnie the Pooh.” Winnie. The. Pooh. You don’t even need any details to enjoy it, do you?

– Analysis: Trump may have ‘done something…with Russians’, Says Former Aide

*spews coffee all over the place* *chair legs slam to the floor* *grips hair with unabashed shock* WHAAAA????

– The Clowns Are In Charge

No truer words have ever been spoken.

– Daycare Workers Gave Melatonin To Children At Naptime, Cops Say

At one point in life, I had four kids ranging in age from newborn to five. I never drugged them, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t empathize just a wee bit with this story.

– Attorney: Relatives Still Have ‘Great Love’ For Student Charged With Killing Parents

No they do not. They might be trying to hold on to the love, or trying to convince themselves that their love for the kid is actually infinite. But, it’s not, and that’s okay. The little shit straight up murdered people. It’s okay not to love him.

– Cops Train to Spot Drug Trafficking. Why Not Train to Spot Child Trafficking?

Because in this country, drugs and guns are more important than children. #FACT

– Grandma Brings Doritos Bag Full of Drugs to Prison, Cops Say

Oh, Granny. Your big mistake was bringing top shelf treats the corrections officers wanted to “confiscate” for their afternoon snack. If you had just put the drugs in a box of saltines, you wouldn’t have been caught.

– Microsoft is Optimizing Skype for Low-end Android Phones

“The peasants are demanding services, master.” “*scoff* I allowed them access to solitaire. What more could they possibly want?” “Perhaps if we were to deign to let them use a fifteen year old free app they’d be appeased?” “UGH. *rolly eyes* Fine. *wave hand* Throw them a bone.”

– The Moon Formed Inside a Hot Cosmic Doughnut, Scientists Say

Hot Cosmic Doughnut is an amazing name for an indie band. I’d buy that t-shirt.

– Any Life on Proxima B May Have Been Wiped Out Last Year

You have no idea how legitimately disappointed I am. The search continues.

– The Moon is Getting 4G Cell Service and Live Video Feed

Greaaat. Give the Nazi base on the far side of the moon even MORE of an edge on us. #TheTruthIsOutThere

– Everything Americans Know About Science in Seven Graphs

That it’s possible to accurately represent everything Americans know about science in only seven graphs speaks volumes of sadness and pain.

– Tangled ‘Particle’ Helps Scientists Model Rare Ball Lightning

If ever there was a time to create a super weapon out of a scientific discovery, this is it. Ball lightning guns may be our only shot at defeating the robot uprising. Fix the problem you created, scientists.

– NASA Wants to Send Humans to Mars in the 2030s- Here’s the Timeline

Why wait? I’ve got a pretty good list of people we can send right now.

“But Bethie, it’s still not safe enough. Their odds of surviving are slim to none.”

*quirked eyebrow*

“OHHHhhhh. I see.”

Get on it, NASA.

-Years-long Storm on Neptune Winds Down

“Years-long” storms? Maybe I shouldn’t bitch about snow in March.

– Vaping Delivers Cancer Causing Chemicals

Inhaling chemicals delivers chemicals to your body? I never would have guessed.

– Republican Candidate for Maine House Calls Parkland Survivor Emma Gonzalez A ‘Skinhead Lesbian’ In Series of Vile Tweets

Maine, heart to heart time: You are the only other New England state I tolerate. You know what you gotta do here. Throw this asshole’s shit out in the dooryard, tell him to move on up the way, and don’t let yourself slip down to Connecticut status in the rankings. I’m countin’ on ya, Maine.

– California Teacher Accidentally Fires Gun in Class, Students Injured

…yep. *sigh* Yep.

– Tiger Uses Snowblower in Goffstown

No details. Mystery is the spice of life.

– Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Has Died at 76

I didn’t agree with some of his theories, and he was often a bit of a twat, but his contributions to our understanding of the universe have opened doors to paths we didn’t even know existed. Respect.

– O.J. Simpson Described ‘Blood and Stuff’ in Hypothetical Murder Scenario

How can anyone still doubt his guilt when he gives such detailed descriptions that only someone who was actually there would be able to share?? “Blood and stuff”? Could YOU come up with such minutiae? I don’t think so. Wake up, sheeple.

– President Envisions Space Force Someday in Military

Gotta fight dem moon Nazis. #THETRUTHISOUTTHERE

Elon Musk Poaching ‘The Onion’ Staffers For Secret Project

Brilliant, slightly insane scientist amassing an army of professional satirists? If this is how the world ends, I’m oddly okay with it.

– Cops Lose Snowball Fight

It’s the end of March, and there is still enough snow for a snowball fight. In fairness to the cops, I think EVERYONE loses this one.

– In Gun Control Marches, Students Led, But Adults Provided Key Resources

WHAT? I thought the kids rented the buses and drove themselves to the marches after busting open their piggy banks and pooling their change to pay for the permits! You mean the WHOLE THING WAS A SHAM??

– Self-taught Rocket Scientist Blasts Off Into California Sky

He built a rocket in his garage and blasted off into the air in an effort to prove the earth is flat. My dad once went to an industry convention to look at a new line of equipment for his machining company. At the convention, he actually met and interacted with a group of rocket scientists. He was always a space buff, and when I asked how it went with them, he said, “It was a big let down. I thought they’d be smarter. I think the only thing they do know is how to make a rocket.”

Dad’s hypothesis confirmed.

*ducks rotten tomato thrown by rocket scientist*

Fine. #NotAllRocketScientists …better?

– Is Your County Elections Clerk Ready for Russian Hackers?

This is NH. Odds are very good that at least half of our elections clerks still have to have their grandkids program their tv remotes. I’m going out on a limb and saying they’re probably not up on the latest internet security measures. On the plus, I doubt anyone’s trying to hack Window 98, so we should be fine.

– Crazed Girls Flood Parkland Shooter Nicholas Cruz With Money, Suggestive Pictures

Aha! I found it! The elusive “starting point” we’ve been searching for in the gun control debate. Let’s start banning people who send love letters to mass murders from ever owning a firearm. See how easy it is when you break it down to basics?

– Malala Yousafzai Returns To Pakistan for the First Time Since Shooting

This is the young woman who was shot in the head for going against sharia custom and promoting education for woman and girls. And then KEPT FIGHTING FOR IT. Just a little perspective for those who feel “persecuted” just because someone disagrees with them. An argument isn’t persecution. Getting shot in the fucking head for your belief is. There’s a difference, folks, and it matters.

– The Military Can’t Build Trump’s Wall. Here’s Why He Keeps Saying They Will.

Whaaa?? Why would he think they would? They aren’t contractors. Doesn’t Trump know what the military is supposed to do?

…oh. My. God. I don’t think he does. Holy shit. Guys, we’re in a lot deeper than I thought.

– Analysis: Trump’s Cabinet Ranked By How Likely They Are To Get Fired

I want to get pissed, but really, this is probably the best way to assess Trump’s cabinet.

– Trump Says Work On Border Wall Starts Monday. It Doesn’t.

I’m ready to disconnect from society and be the local legend recluse who comes down from the hills once a month to pick up my mail and buy an abnormally large quantity of sunflower seeds and orange soda. Who’s with me?

– Destructive Beetle Found in Albany Pine Bush Preserve

Dammit Ringo not again. #GetBackInYourCage

– Cabbies Lay Down Caskets In Protest of City’s Taxi Rules

…I am so confused right now…

– Trafficker Used Drug Money to Buy Cake Decorated With Gold

THAT. MONSTER.

– Clinton: No One Told A Man Who Lost To Shut Up

The hell they didn’t. ANYONE who bitches and moans about a loss this far out gets criticized, and it has absolutely nothing to do with genitalia. SHUT. UP.

…full disclosure, I was bummed Hillary didn’t win…not because I wanted her in office, but because I am vehemently opposed to Trump. She didn’t lose because she’s a woman. She lost because she’s tone deaf to what the country wants, has a history of contradictions between what she says on the podium and what she allows and ignores in her everyday life, and failed to address the electoral college during her campaign. Did Trump have help from Russia? Oh yeah, I’m positive he did. But that’s not what Hillary’s saying, is it? She’s not calling out any bad acts…she’s saying she lost because she is a woman. If she was a better candidate, I think she would have won, no matter how much help Russia threw Trump. So, once again, Hillary, shut up. You’re making women look bad. #TrueStory

– Martha Stewart Shares Va-va-voomy Pic

Ew what? No. NO. NOOOO!

– Passengers Freak Out Due To An Ant Infestation On Their Plane

I’m sick of these muthafuckin’ ants on this muthafuckin’ plane!

…what did you expect? The sequel is never as good as the original.

– Understaffed Office That Vets Trump Employees Plagued By Inexperience

I don’t have enough sarcasm to tackle this one adequately.

– Priest Accused of Embezzling $5M From Church For Lavish Estate

The pope literally sits on a gold-covered toilet. I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard feeling bad for the church here.

– Texas Bomb Squad Makes Egg Hunt For Visually Impaired Kids

“BETHIE NO! DO NOT SAY IT!”

…*presses lips together tightly*

…*repeats calming mantra until urge to blurt out bad joke passes*

Thanks for having my back.

“Anytime.”

You know it would have been hilarious, though, right?

– Art Dealer Accused of Drug-fueled Acts With Lobsters At Parties

Periodically through this day of festivities and/or trickery, I want you to stop and just think about this one question:

How did he get a lobster to do a line of coke in the first place?

I think we all deserve to know.

Thus concludes a Headlinestravaganza for Easter/Fool’s 2018. I’m off to chart out the logistics of crustacean drug habits to try and make sense of this crazy mixed up world. May your hams and lambs be juicy, and your donuts be filled with actual Bavarian cream and not mayonnaise. Everyone have a safe and happy day!

Advertisements

Well played, Mother Nature…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

I can’t believe it’s April already. Where does the time go?

I know, I know. Only old folks say that, and they say it a lot. I’m not all that old, but I get it. I blinked for a hot minute somewhere around Groundhog Day, and we fast forwarded in time to April.

Well, we humans did. Mother Nature? Eh, not so much. She’s still stuck in an endless loop of snow and ice and sadness. I just want spring. That’s all.

I’m not alone, either. I was out shoveling the insanely heavy slurpee she dumped on us yesterday morning and I overheard this exchange from two miserable song birds sitting in the tree across the way:

“I told you we should wait another couple weeks, Harold. But noooooo. No-o-o-o-o. You HAD to beat the traffic.”

“Shut up, Phyllis.”

“We could have stayed with the Jensons in that four star mangrove, if you were so itchy to get away from my mother…”

“YOU’RE the one that wanted to get away from your mother!”

“I can’t think in that place! Everything’s so cluttered and…”

“I’d take your mother’s cramped nest over Enid’s cooking! I said it before and I’ll say it again. There’s no way in hell I’m going to spend two weeks choking down stink bugs just because they’re some hipster foodie trend. I don’t care how old fashioned it makes me sound, but give me a plain worm any day.”

“*arches eyebrow* *nods toward snow piles* And how’s that working out for ya?”

“*sniff*…shut up, Phyllis.”

I think the only thing those early birds are catching is a cold.

*author’s note: Yes, I’m fully aware that you don’t actually catch a cold from being cold. Sheesh. It’s just for comedic value. Is that really your line? Really? In everything you read, THAT’S your objection? Hmm??*

It’s a spring snow, though. Heavy. Arm, back, leg achingly heavy. A real shovel-breaker. BUT, it shouldn’t last long. The beauty of the spring snow is exactly the same thing that causes the misery at the shovel. It’s warm enough outside to ensure that whatever accumulates won’t be around for long.

April.

Did anyone do any April Fooling? I did not. I generally don’t. I know people who love the…holiday? I mean, I don’t think it’s an actual holiday, is it? It’s a day of resigned annoyance borne from a bygone era of lifelong serfdom misery. Their lives sucked so badly that for one day- ONE DAY- they just needed a way to laugh at the misfortune of others, to trick someone into being the fool so they could feel just a tad superior for a single shining moment of glory.

If it is actually considered a holiday, it’s a shit one.

I don’t mind mild pranks where no one gets hurt. A guilty pleasure of mine is the show Impractical Jokers. It’s funny to watch someone get tricked, have a harmless giggle, move on.

What I don’t get, though, are the pranks that take it to the next level. I cannot wrap my head around wanting to cause your friends pain for laughs, be it physical or emotional. I don’t get what’s funny about buttering the floor so someone falls and cracks their head open, and I don’t understand why anyone would dream up staging a kidnapping where the friend/victim honestly believes one of his buddies was killed (actual YouTube prank by a hideous human being). The kid now has legit PTSD. Oh, yeah. That’s a fucking laugh riot.

I think anyone who could do stuff like that is a true sadist.

“Bethie, I think that’s a little harsh.”

Is it? I’m not saying they go out and torture the neighbor’s kittens. I’m saying that a mind that thinks, “Hey, wouldn’t it be great if we abducted Jeff, put a pillow sack over his head, threw him in the back of a van, drove around awhile, shoved him to the ground, shot off a gun, and then ripped off the sack so he could see his best friend face down on the ground in a pool of fake blood,” is not a healthy person. That dude absolutely tortured someone who was supposed to be a close friend, someone he supposedly cared about. He not only tortured him in the moment, but gave the kid lifelong mental problems. For a laugh. And DEFENDED the content when the internet said, “Not cool, bro.”
Think about that. It was bad enough that the internet– the greatest hive of villainy and deceit ever conceived- thought it went too far. The same juggernaut of debauchery that give uninhibited access to Two Girls One Cup drew the line at this “prank”.

That is not someone I would be comfortable being around. And it’s not someone whose “work” I want to watch for shits and giggles. I honestly cannot understand the people who do.

But, a good old rubber band around the sprayer nozzle on the kitchen sink? Comedy gold.

My kids didn’t prank, either. Maybe because they’ve grown up aware of all the idiotic pranks on the internet? None of them ever really got into it at all *knock wood*. The only one that’s really tried is the youngest pup, and his are so benign that the very innocence of it all is what gets the laugh.

I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who is a Spongebob survivor. If you had kids in the early 2000s, you know what I’m talking about. There’s an April Fools episode where Spongebob spends his day pulling off pranks like giving a customer a large drink when he ordered a medium, adding an extra ice cube, etc. The littlest pup does stuff like that, then stands there with twinkling eyes waiting to see if you notice. It is extremely cute, and since he doesn’t read this blog, I can say “cute” free from fear of repercussions. I guess he’s my little April Fool. His birthday is this month, so that really works.

But shh, because he’d be SO pissed if he knew I said that.

It’s supposed to be 50 today. At the moment, my driveway looks like a spring break mud wrestling match is about to begin. Er, minus the drunk girls in bikinis and “bros” in board shorts shouting “what’s good, fam?” in a desperate attempt to sound cool and force people to like them.

The 50 degree day will, in no way, make the situation any better. I’m a bit worried. I drive a heavy clunker, and if the snow melts too fast, it might just succumb like Artax.

*NeverEnding Story fistbump*

It’s happened before. My driveway has honestly eaten a car. Tried its best to, anyway, until the tow pulled the Nissan from the brink of death.

It was right around this time of year in a funky spring not unlike this one. There was late season snow piled high from a storm, and I was having family over after a funeral.

Now, I live in an area with a lot of underground springs, and I’m right by a river. None of my yard is what I would consider stable. In fact, every year, there are new bumps and dips and outright trenches from the shifting water underneath. Our driveway stretches across a large section of this unstable land. Every spring there’s a large area of the driveway that gets squishy and mushy and awful. Usually it’s no big deal to just not park there for a few weeks, but, as I said, we were having people over and the driveway filled up fast.

We had been carefully placing cars away from the suck zone, but ran out of room. The little Nissan Sentra was the lightest car, and we figured, “Eh, seems solid enough,” when the wheels didn’t immediately start sinking. We partied as the Polish do when someone kicks off, and as the day was fading, people started to leave. As soon as the Nissan tried to move, the driveway let it be known that action was not allowed. The tires dug right down into that mud and in seconds the whole car was bumper-deep.

Now, that car was being driven by my mother.

“Oh, Bethie. Tell me you didn’t laugh.”

Oh, how I wish I could!

Was it the nice thing to do? No. Did we try everything to get it unstuck? Yes. We helped. It took a hired tow truck to move the car in the end, but we got covered in mud trying. I think that made up for the laughter.

Maybe?

But come on, people. Things turned out okay in the end, and I’m only human. You weren’t there to see just how quickly things went south. One second, perfectly normal car about to turn out of the drive. The next? Snarlax victim. It was as if the earth itself decided to suck in the rear end of the car like a spaghetti noodle. I’m sorry, Mum, but that shit’s funny. I still laugh about it today.

Maybe none of us should do April Fools tricks. We can’t possibly compete with Mother Nature.

Thus concludes the first April Musing for Sunday, Mass Effect Andromeda Day, 2017. I’m going to be playing. All day. I have been waiting for this game forever and now my screw off day is here. I’ve got soda and chips. I’ve got some kind of meat to throw in the crock pot for dinner. I’ve downloaded the updates, designed and named my character, and I am about to embark on the long awaited adventure. …so what am I still doing here???