Are you guys ready for a bit of intrigue?
Yesterday started as an ordinary day. I did my shift, made some sick ass Valentine’s Day cakes, contributed to the fond memories of three birthday parties in the greater metropolis area. You know. As ya do. Grabbed some groceries at the end of the work day, called salutations to a coworker who was sitting on a bench, then I made my way down to my car. As I approached, I noticed a bright Red Envelope tucked under my windshield wiper.
So it began.
At first, I wondered if my man placed it there, but almost immediately dismissed the idea. Not his style, folks. His MO of romantic surprise is to hand me a new power tool when I walk through the door, saying, “I got you something but I promise it was on sale!”
I put the groceries in the car and fired the beastie up. It’s winter still, and a 35 year old diesel can’t be expected to shift into high gear without a bit of a warm up. Hey, who can, amiright? I topped off the blue squirty juice in the windshield wiper fluid reservoir, all the while side eyeing the Red Envelope.
It has a heart on the front. Written in Sharpie, it’s not your standard heart. It’s got a straight line on the left, then the round heartiness of it at the top is sort of off centered, as if someone turned the letter “B” into a heart.
Slamming the hood with all the gusto a 35 year old hood latch requires, I grabbed the Red Envelope, got into the car, and then began an evening of intrigued wonder.
Inside there was a card. No cheap thing, either. A genuine Hallmark, with glitter flowers and cursive and hearts. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” it says on the front. I opened it up and a gift card and coupon booklet fell out. $25 to Chili’s and a coupon book from Friendly’s.
The mystery deepened. Actual money was invested.
“Who’s it from, Bethie?” you ask as you lean forward in your seat and munch your popcorn.
I don’t know. That’s why it’s a mystery. Aside from the “Hope good things bloom for you all day long,” stamped message from Hallmark, there’s a handwritten note.
“I hope you have a great day and enjoy a meal on me. -Cupid”
But wait, there’s more!
“P.S.- No strings just my good deed for the day.” With a smiley face.
Who is this Cupid?
Is it someone at work? I don’t recognize the handwriting, but I have not seen the handwriting of the majority of my coworkers. Is it a rando, someone spending their day imparting unexpected sunshine with an altruistic version of “Eenie Meenie Minie Mo?”
I have been driving myself nuts all night wondering. Analyzing. Guessing. Obsessing.
Someone put actual money into it. Whether a rando or a coworker, someone spent their own cash to brighten my day.
…or make me crazy.
Either way, well played, Cupid. I thank you, whoever you are.
I will say this…it took the edge off the winter blues for a bit. I’ve been going stir crazy the last week or so. I have a plasma cutter. A MUTHAFLIPPIN’ PLASMA CUTTER just sitting new in its box, waiting to be taken out to the back deck and used as a tool of simultaneous destruction and creation. And yet, the back deck is rudely covered in ice.
Fun fact: You can’t use a plasma cutter when you’re standing in or on water. It’s generally viewed as a very bad plan.
There’s a bottling up that happens when I don’t get to make things. It’s like when you try to stifle a yawn. There’s a tingle of frustration, a physical feeling that something is trying to push its way out, a building explosion that makes my hands long for the grip of a screwdriver and the vibration of a side grinder.
Are you a creative type? Do you understand what I’m talking about?
Maybe non-creative types get the same twitch when they don’t get to balance a checkbook or make a spread sheet for a few months. Maybe their hands itch for the sleek smoothness of a TI-84, and the smell of pencil shavings and graph paper in the morning air.
I gotta make something, folks. The cake decorating really helps, especially in the winter, but it’s just not the same as fusing hot metal together in the sunshine. I want to MAKE something. Really make something, with hands and sweat and swearing and grease and flux and sparks…and satisfaction.
Damn winter. Pfft.
I need another pick me up. How about I do something I’ve been saying I’d do, hm? Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Cue the dancers, fire up the band, because it’s time for a…
*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***
I’ve been gathering these headlines for about a month now. Some are good, some are pretty shit. But you know what? I hit “save” after I added them to the list for a reason, and I’m running with it.
You all know how this works. I snag a headline that grabs my attention, then present them to you with my deep and thoughtful insight.
…or sarcasm. Sometimes might be just a bit of sarcasm.
As always, I give you the headlines as written, in all their, um…shining glory? Yeah, we’ll go with shining glory. That card has made me feel a bit generous myself today. Ready? Then let’s do this.
– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport
THEY HAVE FLYING TRUCKS IN BOSTON!??! Way to bury the lead, IBT.
– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport
I don’t know what anyone was expecting. If they can’t drive properly on the ground, what makes you think a Masshole can do better in air? *ducks wicked fast tomato thrown from across the border* *fistbump my NH natives*
– Missle-alert Error Reveals Uncertainty About How To React
Wait. You mean that in a terrifying emergency with absolutely zero follow up instruction, people weren’t sure what to do? Huh. Odd.
– Hawaii Worker Who Pushed Button Reassigned After Bungled Emergency Alert
Yeaaahhh. Imma say that’s fair.
– Relatives of Martin Luther King, Jr. Critique President Trump
*crash* *scramble* *shuffle* Sorry. I wasn’t prepared for that gobsmacking breaking news feed and fell clean outta my chair. Just stunned here, folks. Give me a second to mop up the spilled coffee and come to terms with this new reality we find ourselves experiencing.
*deep, calming breath*
Okay. It’s real. It happened. We can’t take it back, just have to move forward. We can continue.
– Lawsuit: Surgeon at VA Hospital Left Scalpel in Patient for 4 Years
Did he? Or did the patient abscond with then conceal government property for four years in what he considered to be the perfect crime? Discuss.
– Statue Honoring National Anthem Found Sprayed With Red Paint
…we have a statute…honoring…a fucking song? #’Merica
– New Mexico Gun Shop’s MLK Day Ad Stirs Controversy
Top tip: If you own a gun shop, there are a few national holidays and days of observation that you probably don’t want to “celebrate” with a sale. MLK Day, Lincoln’s birthday, 9/11… Just calm yer tits and let the day pass. #HowToSucceedInBusiness
– Trump Comments, Infuriating Africans, May Set Back US Interests
As the kiddies say, Africa…I know the feels.
– Japanese City On Alert for Deadly Blowfish
*** BLOWFISH THREAT INBOUND TO JAPAN. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ***
– Crisis Continues for Rohingya Muslims Languishing At Refugee Camps
Okay, I’m torn here. On the one hand, the situation with the Rohingya is not at all something to take lightly. If you are uninformed, Google, then get outraged. However, I feel like I have to take a second to applaud the old school wording of this headline. When was the last time you read “languishing” outside of a romance novel? Good form, CBS.
– Palestinian Leaders Urge Abbas to Withdraw Recognition of Israel
Uh, guys? Pretending Israel isn’t a thing won’t really get you anywhere…
– North Korea Scoffs at Trump’s “Nuclear Button”
Guaranteed this headline sparked a next level Rule 34. Google at your own risk. Remember, kids…what has been seen cannot be unseen.
– Hero Dog That Served in WWII Gets Posthumous Medal
Why. No, I really mean it. WHY? Who is this medal for, exactly? What purpose does this expenditure serve? Will it inspire puppies around the nation to sign up for service?
“Bethie, it’ll tell people in the future that we cared about the animals that served.”
We care about the animals we force to participate in wars they didn’t start, have zero control over, and will not benefit from the outcome in any way? Really?
Yeah. That’s what I thought.
– NH Mom Delivers Her Own Baby in Target Parking Lot
603 HARDCORE. #NHTough
– Syrian Boy Was Seen Gazing Into A Gym, Now He’s A Lifetime Member
This was in the “Good News” section. I guess it’s good news? I mean, it *is* uplifting.
No. I will not apologize for puns. It’s 2018. Welcome to the new world order.
– Man Resolves to Play Catch With Someone New Every Day in 2018
Um. You doin’ okay over there, Good News? Because you seem to really be stretching for these articles…
– 2017 Was A Record Year For Organ Donations
…yes, but let’s consider the flip side of this headline for a sec.
– Single Dad Who Looked For Kidney At Disney World Finds Match
I’m done. I’m done with Good News. They done lost their friggin’ minds.
– DIY Network Apologizes for Series After Star’s On-Air Anti-Semetic Slur
They filmed her asking if someone was going to “bicker” with her a bit and “Jew” her down. First, it’s dicker, you dumbass. Dicker, not bicker. Second, how sincere could this apology possibly be when the show filmed it, edited it, and approved it for air? They’re not sorry. They’re just sorry people were pissed. I know in this crazy world of social media, facts get jumbled. But, being sorry for the action and being sorry about the reaction are two totally different things.
– Crowd Mocks Grunting Tennis Player at Australian Open
*snort* I mean, boo. Not nice. Don’t do that ‘n shit. *snicker*
– Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Won’t Be Inviting This Person to Wedding
Me. It’s me. I won’t be invited. *sniff* It’s fine, really. I’ll probably be invited to something even better that night anyway.
– Proposal Would Widen Permissible Use of Nuclear Arms
WHOA now WHAT? Can I get a “HELL NO?”
– Americans Should Be “Sober” About Chance of Conflict With N. Korea: Tillerson
Hang on now. You’re talking about “widening permissible use of nuclear arms.” Our overall state of mind created utter panic when an accidental warning message was broadcast. People are literally begging the Poopypants In Chief to sit down, shut up, and let the grown ups run the country again because he won’t stop taunting a psycho. If we were any more sober, we’d be a walking Folger’s ad!
– Dems Flip Wisconsin State Senate Seat
You know what? With the state of politics right now, I can’t really pick on them for trying a bit of feng shui. Top tip: move the Rep. seats into the hallway for even better zen.
– The Latest: Ice Keeps Some Texas Schools Closed
You know the pisser about this headline? I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual weather or immigration enforcement squads. It’s Texas. Which is more likely?
– Japan Government Tells Broadcaster Not To Repeat False Missile Alert
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BLOWFISH??!! Are they covering that up, too?!?
– Man Tries To Board Flight Wearing Everything He Packed, Gets The Boot
In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have worn the fleshlight as a necklace. Think it pushed things over the edge.
– Camel Beauty Pageant Kicks Out 12 Animals for Botox
If you ever feel like your life isn’t going so hot, just remember that somewhere in the world, 12 camel owners wanted their camels to win a fucking beauty pageant so badly that they injected beasts of burden with botox. Puts forgetting to buy milk after work into perspective, eh?
– How A Dunkin’ Donuts Bag of Cash Led to Mayor’s Downfall
A bag of cash?? I’ve never once gotten anything but heartburn from DD! (I’d just like to point out that I avoided an “America runs on Dunkin’” politics pun. It might be 2018’s new world order, but I do still have a heart. You’re welcome.)
– Allen’s Next Movie May Never See the Light of Day
GOOD. Here’s a dude who MARRIED HIS OWN DAUGHTER. Is it really a stretch to think he may have done something with his other daughter? REALLY??
– Can’t Stand the Sound of Someone Chewing? Here’s Why.
Because it’s gross to hear the slurping and snarfling of you inhaling potato salad, Tina. Shit. Chew with your mouth shut already. #FuckingTina
– Newborn Baby Bear Cubs Found In Dumpster
I don’t know why you conservatives are surprised. That’s what’s going to happen when you cut funding for contraceptives while simultaneously promoting an abstinence only policy in schools. What do you expect these young mothers to do? #PillForBears
– Wade Admits Lebron Caught Him Watching Heat
I don’t blame him for being embarrassed. That movie sucked.
– Trump Accuses Democrats of Playing Politics With Memo
…but…I mean…that’s their job. Politics. That’s why they’re called politicians. IT’S RIGHT IN THEIR TITLE. My god he’s so damn stupid.
– Never Make These Mistakes When Frying An Egg
You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. #MyBreakfastMyLife
– High School Science Fair Project Questioning the IQ of African Americans Sparks Outrage
Honestly, exactly what the headline said. A kid did an entire science project based on his assertion that Africans, African Americans, Southeast Asians, and South Americans have a lower IQ, which is why they are not well represented in elite academic programs around the US. I just have to bring something up that wasn’t addressed in the articles I read covering the story. I did my fair share of science projects. Normally, the idea is passed by a teacher, and the project has teacher oversight through the course of preparation. Are they really expecting us to believe that no one on a supervisory level had any idea this kid was going to publicly present this project? Seriously? My eyebrow will remain dubiously quirked until the blame is shared by ALL involved.
– Olympics Unite Koreas for First Time In 65 Years, But Will It Spark Real Change?
Hm, good question…
– Seoul Protesters Burn North Korea Flag Before Concert
…aaand we can put that question to rest.
– Man Brings Wife’s Ashes to Eagles Parade: “She Was A Diehard Fan”
Oh boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. You know what? This will be our DIY headline. Insert your own joke.
– Oklahoma Woman Gets Reduced Sentence After Getting Sterilized, Per Judge’s Request
No. No no no no no. NO. This on infuriates me. It’s wrong on every single level. A judge has no right to dangle a lighter sentence over someone’s head if they get sterilized. It’s barbaric. It goes against everything we should be standing for as a nation: freedom and justice. This one move eradicates both. He used his power of authority to pressure someone in a tenuous position into following his personal beliefs. At the same time, this woman didn’t end up paying for the crimes she committed. There is no freedom in this act. There is no justice. This better not become the norm. I don’t want to live in North Korea.
– Trump Still Pushing For Tank Parade In Spite of Lack of Support
What part of “I don’t want to live in North Korea” are these asshats not understanding?!
– Hammer-wielding Man Attempts To Rob Intrepid Museum Gift Shop
The thought process that must have transpired before this crime is staggeringly entertaining to imagine.
– “Moody” Female Show Dogs Don’t Get Same Opportunities As Males
Did…did they just…but…they’re…DOGS…
I’m trying, but it’s physically impossible to sigh hard enough to express the proper level of exasperation. It’s making me light headed.
– OxyContin Maker Will Stop Promoting Opiods To Doctors
So now I’m not only lightheaded from the exasperated sighing, but I’ve developed a spasm from rolling my eyes too hard. I can’t quit on this note. I came here to find distracting chuckles, not knuckleheads furthering the annoyance. Come on, news. You gotta give me SOMETHING…
– Charities Warned After Oxfam Haiti Prostitute Charges
I can think of a missionary position joke…but should I? I need something better…
– Scientists Put 3D Glasses on Praying Mantises
Admittedly amusing, but not meaty enough…
– How Speed Skaters Go So Dang Fast
Gee willikers it’s getting better in a hip hurry…
– Observatory Spots Elon Musk’s Roadster Zooming Through Space
And here it is! We have a winner!
A guy put a test dummy in a muthaflippin’ convertible so it could blissfully zoom through space. One day, an alien may just find that car with that dummy. Can you imagine the absolute confusion if THAT is our first contact???
I found my happy thought for the day.
Thus concludes a Roundup for Sunday, February 11, 2018. Seriously, if anyone reading this knows who Cupid is, lemme know. I keep eyeballing the Red Envelope and wondering….