Pardon me, but you, sir, are a worm.


Mornin’ all.

I want broccoli.

And when I say that, I don’t mean I thought, “Hm, wouldn’t broccoli be nice to have with dinner tonight?” I mean, I WANT SOME BROCCOLI TOOT FUCKIN’ SWEET.

…you ever get cravings like that? My man has a theory that if you crave a food to the point of distraction, it’s your body saying, “Hey, dipshit, give me some niacin…” or vitamin C or zinc or whatever that particular food offers in terms of nutrition. I have no idea if science backs that up, but it makes sense.

Not just any old broccoli will do. I want a specific style of broccoli. I want fresh, not frozen, and overcooked to the point of it juuuust barely being able to retain its status as a solid.

My Gram used to make it like that. Boy could she cook.

“Uh, Bethie? Didn’t you just say she made overcooked broccoli?”

Yeah, but it worked somehow. She always cooked her veggies a bit too long, but they tasted so damn good it didn’t really matter. Crisp broccoli would have been weird served next to the perfect roast beef and mashed potatoes with gravy so good you “accidentally” spilled a little too much from the ladle and had no choice but to take another slice of bread to mop it up. Couldn’t let it go to waste now, could you?

Sunday dinners were THE best. All the fam around a gigantic table at the same time with jokes and shouts and laughs. My Mum cutting up our meat and still warning us not to choke, my Dad taking an hour to prepare his food just so, my uncle pulling out the list of 2-letter entries he prepped to play his favorite party game “Initials”, my grandfather rolling his eyes and making expressive faces to say the words he could no longer utter due to illness, my Gram making up for his lack of talking in abundance…

I wonder if I actually want the broccoli for the nutrients like my man thinks, or if I just want one more Sunday dinner of my childhood?

*WAWRma* *WAWRma* *WAWRma*

“What the hell is THAT?”

Looks like I tripped the melancholy alarm. I just had it installed to…

*WAWRma* *WAWRma* *WAWRma*

WHAT? I can’t hear you!”

Hang on. Lemme shut it down.

*WAWRma* *WAAAWWWWRRRrrrmmmaaaa…..*

Yikes. Sorry about that. It’s my new melancholy alarm and it seems that it’s on a hair trigger. It’s supposed to help keep me peppy and lively and not allow me to melt into a sad sack of holiday grouchery. Guess I need to read the manual and adjust the sensitivity. I mean, SOME melancholy is okay, right?

*WAWRma* *WAWRma* *WAWRma*


Yeah, yeah. I’m on it.

*plink* *fzzt*

There. I unplugged it completely for now. Guess I’m on my own to keep myself pepped up.

“No. You’ve got me.”

You know what? You’re right. I do have you. You’ve come all this way to share some teeth-melting coffee and day old pastries and here I am being a self-centric ass. I’m sorry, friend. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

“*picks at sweater lint*”

Oh! There is! I can see it on your face! What do you want? Another day old prune danish? You really should only have one a day, but help yourself if you’re willing to risk it. No? Okay, then. A pillow for your feet? A pony? Say the word and it’s yours.

“…wellll. I have been thinking that it’s been awhile since you’ve done a Roundup…”

*claps hands* Done! *snaps fingers for the go go dancers* *strikes up the band* Looks like we’re going to have ourselves a….



Wow! Look at the can-cans on those dancers! How do they get their legs so high? *claps* Brava ladies! I see you’ve been spending your time off in the dance workshop. Well, kudos! That was spectacular!

*dancers bow and shuffle off*

You asked for it, and I aim to please! I’ve scoured the internet news sites to find headlines that are poorly worded, in need of serious editing, misleading, or just generally strike my admittedly odd funny bone. I’ve harvested the headlines and will present them to you in 100% organic condition. I just supply the garnish of commentary. Sit back, relax, and I’ll start serving.

– Dallas Woman Charged In Missouri Butt Injection Death

Nope. No details. Make of it what you will.

– Feds Seize Hundreds of Tamales Smuggled From Mexico

Damn tamales crossing our borders taking jobs from Taco Bell chalupas… When will the madness end?

– iPhone 6 Has Problem Apple Won’t Discuss

It’s nice to see that they keep the same “la la la can’t hear you” crisis management plan Steve Jobs implemented even after he’s gone.

– Texas: We Don’t Need Academics To Fact-Check Our Textbooks

They ain’t got no time for liberal hippie agendas like “facts” and “educational accuracy”. #commoncorevalues

– 21-Year-Old Georgia Woman Takes College Exam While In Labor: “My Goals Will Not Be Put on Hold”

The woman had a critical exam to take when she went into labor. Instead of making excuses, she worked on the test through the contractions, saying afterwards that since she is now responsible for another human being, nothing can stand in her way of reaching her goals to make a good life for them. No wiseassery for this one. The woman’s name is Tommitrise Collins and she is our hero for today.

– Why is Israel Encouraging Gun Culture?

Are we really going to pretend to be on a moral high horse with this issue? REALLY?

– Official Study Reveals ISIS Determined to Make Chemical Weapons

Dude, I’ve read some bullshit studies before, but this one HAS to be one of the bullshittiest. What a waste of resources. There is no way in hell we’re going to defeat this enemy if we couldn’t predict this “revelation” without wasting scads of precious time and money. Gah.

– Pink-and-white Gun Linked Suspect to Attempted Robbery

Yeah, the gun was pink and white. So what? Why you gotta focus on the color of the weapon? Thugs like pink, too! #unfairgenderconstructs

– Per Capita, Baltimore Reaches Highest Homicide Rate Ever

Thank god folks are fighting so hard to keep our country safe by refusing to accept refugees! It would be tragic if we couldn’t walk the streets at night without worry.


– NASA is Keeping Under Wraps A Secret Mission to a Mysterious Water World

Well they’re not doing a very good job of it, are they?

– Congress Says Yes to Space Mining, No To Rocket Regulations

CONGRESS SAYS YES TO SPACE MINING!!! *ROCKETMAN SQUEE* Do you even know that this means?! #aliens,guesswho’scomingtodinner

(The article called commercial space miners “entreprenauts”. I don’t know if the article writer made that up but goddammit I would have killed to think of that first…)

– Is This a Real Life Lightsaber?

Well now I’m going to be really disappointed if it’s not.

– deadmau5&CHVRCHES to Perform at Game Awards

I think a cat walked across the editor’s keyboard there…

– Turkey Struts His Stuff to Get Spared From the Thanksgiving Plate

12 people looked at thousands of turkeys and selected the one with the best “personality and appearance” to get the Presidential pardon. They held a beauty pageant to decide which turkey wouldn’t be eaten. … … …do you even realize how fucked up we are as a species? Hm?

– Humans Have Rescued Pumpkins From Extinction

I guess all that effort I put in to sabotaging tractors and linking my arms in an impenetrable wall of solidarity when the farmers tried to enter the fields for harvesting back in my college days really had an impact. So lucky to have been there to make a real difference! #fightingthegoodfight

– Gum Returns to Famed Seattle Wall Days After Cleaning

…the same gum? Because I’mma be honest…I only care to read the article if that’s the case.

– While World Leaders are Preoccupied, Cats Take Over the World

*sigh* Welp. It was bound to happen eventually. I’m just going to step out and buy a sack of catnip to offer in tax payment to my new feline overlords.

– Man Films Entire Vegas Vacation in Selfie Mode

Though there have been a lot of competitors these days, I think we may have found the World’s Biggest Douchebag. Someone give him a crown.

– Pastafarian Gets to Wear Strainer on Head in License Photo

…hold off on the crowning. We’ve got a last minute contender.

– Donald Trump Said He Would “Absolutely” Require US Muslims to Register, Shrugs Off Nazi Comparison

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Can I just put the crown on his head with a drone so I don’t risk getting infected with doucheism?

– Winter is on Its Way

It’s November. So, uh, no shit.

– Carjackers Steal Car with 8-year-old in Back Seat, Then Take Him to School

Poor kid. Here he is thinking he’s got an unexpected skip day, and those bastards go and ruin it. Grown ups suck.

– NIH to Retire Last of Government-owned Research Chimps

Wonder if they’ll get watches and cake?

– Watch an Electronic Tongue Taste Wine

Yuck no.

– How to Flirt in Panda: Bears’ Squeaks Decoded

Look, I understand things get boring and lonely in the lab. But scientists…heart to heart time. Cut it the fuck out. Back away from the pandas and watch human internet porn as nature intended.

– Police Pull Over Google Self-Driving Car

Oooh, technological philosophy time. In a world pushing for more of these truly auto-mobiles, who gets the ticket? Discuss.

– Bush Says He’d “Kill Baby Hitler” if He Could Travel Back Through Time

*internal debate raging on whether or not to make Trump quip here*

– Legally Blind Barber Awarded $100K For Wrongful Termination

…but…but he can’t…if you can’t see…and with the sharp scissors near the ears…?? Oh, wait. It’s Massachusetts. That clears it up.

– Carson Compares Syrian Refugees to Rabid Dogs

*sigh* Looks like we’re going to need another crown.

– Firm Reveals No Fat Noodles Made from Trees

Soooo….you made toothpicks?

– “Anti-feminist” Student Reveals He Won’t Party With Women in Case He’s Accused of Rape

That his mind went there tells us far more about him than the “feminists” he’s so against.

– “She Cried When I Gave Her My Boots”: New York Woman’s Post About Giving Her Shoes to Homeless Woman Sees Her Hailed As An “Inspiration” Online

NO SHE’S FUCKING NOT. She’s a media hungry, self-obsessed, attention whore. If you do something inspiring just to brag about it, YOU’RE NOT DOING SOMETHING INSPIRING. You’re just stroking your own ego, and you’re doing it at the expense of someone else.

– Naive Children Believe Everything They Read Online

Uh, is that really just a problem in children? Really?

– Welcome to the Family! Acorn Worm Is Distant Human Relative That Shares 70% of Our Genes

Heh heh. We’re worms. That explains a lot. #VegasSelfieKing #Pastafarianbeinganactualterm #Trump/CarsonCrownShare

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, November 20, 2015. I’m off to wake the little cub for a follow up x-ray and then swing by to get some broccoli. Hope the docs don’t care that it’s only been a week and already his cast is a mess. I’m not saying he’s Pigpen exactly, but I highly doubt he’s got a future in any field that requires using a clean room.