Can you believe
the year is half over already? You know what that means. It’s almost
the 4th of July! I’m waving a sparkler, but I guess you’re
just going to have to take my word for that.
I actually really
love patriotic holidays. I am a hippie AND a patriot. I love my
country. Yes, it’s a messed up blend of
fever-dream-meets-bad-acid-trip at the moment, but I still think it’s
I don’t want this post to be overly political, though. I mean it’s me, and I won’t be able to pass up taking a few jabs. You understand. But as far as actually addressing the issue with more than quippy snark? I’ll try not to. It’s a holiday, after all! We can get into the nitty gritty another time. For now, let’s just have some fun. And what do we do around here for fun?
*cue the full
marching band for the catchy theme music* *cue the red, white, and
blue go-go dancers* *set off the confetti cannon*
We’re doing a super duper, ultra mega, eXtremerific…
* * * HOLIDAY HEADLINE
ROUND-UP!!!! * * *
It just pulls at
the heart strings to see the dancers finish in a sequined pyramid
under a shower of red, white, and blue fireworks just as the founding
fathers intended, doesn’t it? *wipes tear* Well done, ladies.
I haven’t done a
Roundup in awhile, but it’s not that hard to explain. I look at large
news sites and scan through the headlines. When one grabs me for
whatever reason, I copy it as written and present it for you perusal.
Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just ridiculous,
but mostly, they put a thought in my head I feel compelled to share.
As always, the headlines are 100% true red, white, and blue blooded.
I just add the apple pie for dessert. Ready? Great! Put down your
fifes and drums and let’s take a look at the world one headline at a
– You’d Never Guess These Salads Are
Vegans always think other people can’t
taste the difference because they’ve eaten work-around foods for so
long that they can’t tell. I’m sorry, any of my vegan
pals, but I can guarantee you that I 100% CAN tell that your
fauxmatoes and tofucumbers aren’t the real thing.
– Jana Kramer Reacts to Husband’s
Cheating Dealbreaker: It ‘Hurts’
Really dug deep on that one.
– US Says Border Wall Will ‘Avoid’
Historic Texas Cemetery
Can’t the wall just ‘avoid’ the
historic Mexican border?
– ‘A Bad Idea’: Senate Republicans
Warn Trump Over Mexico Tariff Threat
Trump had a bad idea? Nooo. Not Chief
– Here’s What Melania Trump is Doing
Probably silently weeping every spare
moment she gets, if I had to wager.
– China Warns Citizens Against
Travel To The US
Can you blame them? Really?
– Why Financial Literacy is Being
Taught In Schools Across America
Um, maybe because it’s just a good
fucking idea that should have been happening all along? Just throwin’
it out there.
– O.J. Simpson’s First Tweet: ‘I’ve
Got A Little Getting Even To Do’
Damn, just got a major sense of deja
– Man Captivates Cows With Saxophone
Boy, Kenny G’s career really took a
– Woman Spreads ‘Hope’ To Tornado
The woman gathered pieces of broken
houses to make cross necklaces she’s then selling. She’s literally
taking the proof of her god’s intended destruction of peoples lives
and turning it into jewelry to remind them that they were on her
god’s hit list. And suddenly, the quotes around the word hope make
– New Hampshire Installs First
Historical Marker to Honor Computer Programming
BASIC was invented here. Bet you didn’t
know we were wicked fahkin’ tech savvy up here, didja bub?
– Facebook To Unveil New
Hm, should I let Facebook have any role
in my financial future? Let me weigh the pros and cons. On the one
hand, no. But, on the OTHER hand, also no.
– Palestinian Leaders Reject
Kushner’s Economic Plan
Wise move. The only thing worse than
letting Zuckerberg hold your purse strings is letting a peripheral
Trump do it.
– Great Jobs To Boost Your Income
I wish the headline was something more along the lines of, “Americans Vote To Pitch In A Few Extra Bucks A Year To Increase Social Security So Our Elderly Who Have Worked Hard and Served Our Communities Can Have A Comfortable Last Few Years Because People Are Sick Of Watching Their Grandmas Work Menial Labor Jobs Just To Be Able To Afford The Luxury Of Eating AND Buying Medication Every Single Week,” but that’s not the world we live in.
– Underwood ‘Speechless’ Over Cheese
I think she’s just stunned that it didn’t also come with a case of crackers. I stand with Carrie on this one. Tres declasse.
– The Brief (And Bizarre) History Of
Selfies In Space
I wasn’t prepared for the “bizarre”
facts in the story, but you know me, I have to share. Brace
yourselves. You know what they had to do to take pictures of
themselves in space? These crazy mofos at NASA had to make…get
ready for it…a special trigger that the astronauts can use through
their thick space suit gloves. What absolute freaks.
– Police Arrest 70 Climate Change
Protesters Outside New York Times
These idiots laid in the street and
attempted to scale the outside of the Times building to get the NY
Times to stop calling it “climate change” and call it a “climate
emergency” every time they referenced the situation in print. Which
would be a lot of times, BTW, since the NY Times is most definitely
an ally to their cause, printing many deep dive articles over the
years trying to alert the public to the dangerous situation. I’m all
for peaceful protests, but these mugs literally protested an
organization that is already on their side over meaningless semantic
bullshit when they SHOULD be protesting Fox News, Congress, the White
House, and all the other massive organizations who continue to deny
the effects of humanity on nature. It’s petty ass bullshit like this
that weakens a cause.
– 30th Horse Death At
Santa Anita Park Prompts Officials To Boot Trainer
Silly trainer. You’re only supposed to
push the horses to the brink of death in the name of
entertainment. Dead horses don’t make money. Duh.
– Trump Delays Immigration Sweeps.
Here’s Why California Police Say They Won’t Take Part
*police spokesperson walks out on
stage**adjusts mic**clears throat* “Because it’s stupid.”
*turns**walks off stage*
*sidebar*- Do you still have that
warning button? You know, the one you push when I’m about to say
something that has the potential to land me in hot water?
Good, because I’m reading this headline
about an SUV crash, and the first half is all jokey and has a fun
vibe, but then there’s a comma and everything after that is doom and
gloom and I kind of have the urge to make a “well that Escalade-d
quickly” pun, because, you know, Cadillacs and shit, and I just
don’t know if it’s appropriate.
“Hm. Are there kids involved?”
*WARNING* *WARNING* *WARNING*
Got it. So no puns where kids are
involved in a crash. Thanks for having my back.
– Sex Abuse Charges Against La Luz
del Mundo Leader Are the ‘Tip Of the Iceberg’
But just the tip.
*WARNING* *WARNING* *WARNING*
…no sex abuse jokes either?
Hmph. Fun killer.
– What We Know About Those Buried At
Tampa’s Forgotten Zion Cemetery
They worded this headline like we’re
getting fast breaking news on a developing situation. Calm down,
Tampa Bay Times. I don’t think anyone’s in a rush to scoop you on
– Fact Check: Trump Makes 3 False
Claims About Hispanics in Interview
– Fish Eggs Can Hatch After Being
Pooped Out By Swans
This is a thing
you now know. You’re welcome.
– SpaceX Is About To Launch 152 Dead
People’s Remains Into Orbit
Only into our own
orbit? How are the remains supposed to be carried by the cosmic waves
to other places in order to seed faraway landscapes with human DNA if
they’re stuck in our own orbit? Has Elon Musk never read decent
– This Robot Fish Has Robot Blood
– 40 Things No One Over 40 Should
Have In Their Home
Oh shit. I’m over
40. This is absolutely relevant to me. Let’s check it out.
1. A dust ruffle
…aaaaand I was
totally wrong. This is in no way relevant to me.
– Hospital Issues Warning After Five
Cases of Children Falling From Windows
Holy shit. I can’t
believe they even have to! If you have a child, close the windows on
any level above the first floor, bring them in from the car every
single time, don’t leave bare light sockets open, don’t put
your baby in the oven to dry them off real quick after a bath, don’t
pack Tide pods in their lunch bags, take off the necklace made of
scissors when they go to run around with their friends..and above all
else, if you’re out of Kool-Aid, never forget that bleach is NOT a
good thirst-quencher. That’s Bethie’s Handbook For New Parents,
available wherever common sense is found.
– Sarah Ferguson Shows Off Curtsy As
She Reunites With Prince Andrew
Ooooo look at her
showing off a curtsy. All I’ll ever be able to afford is a handshake,
or maybe an air kiss if I’m lucky, and she’s out there genuflecting
like it ain’t no thing. These rich folks are so out of touch.
– 15 High-waist Bikinis You’ll Want
To Wear All Summer
Boy, does your
ad-targetting software need some upgrading, Google.
– Wild Crocodile Bares Menacing
Teeth At Scuba Diver Who Gets Too Close
Um, it’s called
smiling. Diver comes up with a camera, so the croc tried to seize his
moment to become Instagram famous. Shit. Why you always gotta paint
crocodiles in such a negative light? Pathetic.
– Pompeo Confirms Trump Sent Kim
Jong Un Letter
You will never get
me to believe that Trump can write. FAKE NEWS.
– Pompeo Confirms Trump Sent Kim
Jong Un Letter
you…do you think maybe it was like a big letter “z” written in
crayon on a piece of that learning-to-write paper they use in
kindergarten? OMG I want to believe that’s what they meant so bad.
The alternative is that someone pulling Trump’s strings conned Don
into agreeing to butter up Kim more so that we can get some help
bombing Iran because they are convinced the best way for the orange
Cheeto to stay in office is to kill thousands of people for no reason
whatsoever. I never thought I’d say this, but: Here’s hoping the
figurehead of our country actually sent the leader of another country
a purple crayon scribbled “Z”.
– How A Trump Tax Cut Helped A
Billionaire Win Big
yay. lucky him.
finally caught a break in life. good job. so glad things turned
around for him.
– Florida Police Detained A Tortoise
For Blocking The Road. He Got Away With A Warning And A Selfie
WOW. So this
jaywalking road-blocking scofflaw gets off with a warning and a fun
selfie with the cops, while the croc who was minding his own business
in his own neighborhood gets blasted across social media for being
“menacing” when all he did was smile into a camera?? This right
here is the definition of media bias!!
– Pence: US ‘Not Convinced’ Downing
Of Drone Authorized At ‘Highest Levels’
We sent a drone over there to spy on another country in their own air space. Frankly, them shooting it down seems fair, even if the “highest levels” DID authorize it. WE were spying on THEM. We got caught. They broke our camera and wagged their finger at us for trying to get one over on ’em. I’ve seen enough Spy Vs. Spy to know that’s just how the game works.
– How Prince Philip’s Pranks On
Queen Elizabeth Made Her Laugh, But Also Backfired
If one of the
pranks was not a whoopie cushion on the seat of the throne then
Philip has forfeited his right to be king. FACT.
– This New Poll Finds Widespread
Islamphobia Among Conservatives
You ever been
digitally slow-blinked, Business Insider? Because that was
legitimately my reaction when I read this headline.
– Hang Gliding From Texas To Canada
For Breast Cancer Research
He’s not raising
money. His goal is to “make people aware of breast cancer.” He’s
got a bunch of volunteers to bring him supplies and donate hotel
rooms along the way, but, once again- and I can’t stress this enough-
he’s not personally raising any money at all for cancer research. He
just wants people to know that THEY can raise money. And not just
that, he’s convinced a whole lot of well-intentioned folks to give
him free shit, to give HIM their money instead of donating that
amount to cancer fucking research…I can’t even with this shit
– 7 Purchases You Should Never Make
I was nervous
about being judged by another smug click baiter, but was pleasantly
surprised to find the list filled with things like jet skis and hot
cars. Apparently I can still make it rain for strippers and pick up
some blow on payday without shame. What a relief!
– How The Cost Of College Has
Changed Over The Years
It used to be
nearly free, and now we expect 18 year olds to slap down the cost of
a house before we’ll deign to let them learn at a higher level. No
– Owner Of ‘Attack Squirrel’
Arrested After Chase
Oh no, guys. It’s
even better than you think. The dude didn’t just train a squirrel to
attack, he fed it methamphetamines to unleash the beast within,
maximizing the force of the attack. A worthy contender for Florida
Man’s crown approaches…
– Trump Declares Himself Winner In
I mean of course
he does. Did anyone expect anything else?
– Campbell: I Go Days Without Food,
But I Don’t Starve Myself
It’s a wonderful tool, Naomi.
– This is THE Best Cherry Margarita
NO. Stop it right
now! Cherries do NOT belong in margaritas. Margaritas are
perfect and wholesome and everything good in this world. Keep your
filthy tree balls out of my margaritas! #FuckCherries
– How To Prevent Sunburned Eyes
– Stowaway Falls Into A Garden From
children, is how garden gnomes are born.
– Analysis: Joe Biden’s Soft Polling
Underbelly Just Got Exposed
Why does this headline feel so uncomfortable? *shudder*
– Administration Forecasts 25%
Decrease In Migrant Apprehensions At US-Mexico Border in June
July. We already had June. You can’t forecast something that’s
already happened. Just when you think you’re at the bottom rung of
the ladder of expectations, you discover there are still new depths
yet to be explored.
– England Takes On USWNT
Putting aside the
fact that England might not want to take on anything with the US this
week given the history of early July, I love word games. Let’s try
and figure out what USWNT stands for, shall we? United States Women’s
Nut Tossers. Untidy Shellfish With Nasty Tentacles. Unruly Students
Who kNow Things. Upstanding Sword Wielding Ninja Turtles. Unusually
Smelly Wool Napkin Tuckers. …I could do this all day. Should I do
this all day?
Word Nerd Tomfoolery. *sniff*
– I’m Betting $523,111 On This 1
You fool. Everyone
knows that $523,110.67 is the limit. Get packing for the poor house.
– CDC Warns Of Pool Parasites Ahead
of 4th of July Weekend
“children,” and apparently they are everywhere.
– See How Bra Clasps Can Save A
really. Turtles don’t have thumbs. A young and irresponsible turtle
couple that can’t get the bra off and gets frustrated and gives up
after the mood is spoiled can’t spread life threatening STDs, now can
– Stores Encourage Shoppers To Bring
Their Own Bags
Okay, Rip van
Winkle. Thanks for keeping up with the grocery trend that began 20
– Why Are Norwegians So Happy? In A
Oh duh! Of course
it’s koselig! Why didn’t I think of that?
– Could The Poo Of Elite Athletes
Provide An Ingredient To Improve Physical Performance?
I am very
disturbed that someone would even ask that question, and even more
alarmed at the idea of someone actually using the knowledge to create
a supplement. But…now that we’re here…I guess it would really
depend on how much of the steroids permeate the digestive system, and
if they would still be concentrated enough to provide effective
performance enhancement, wouldn’t it?
– Trump’s Immigration Proposal Could
Cause Millions Of Children To Opt Out Of Heath Benefits, Study Says
No no no no no no.
Children do not “opt” in OR out of health benefits. Children do
not choose anything. Stop trying to make it sound worse than it is.
It’s already bad enough. You don’t need to shove the slant down our
throats, CNN. That’s just as disrespectful to readers as when Fox
does it. Shame.
– The Risks Of Crowdsourcing Kids’
I had absolutely
no idea what was going on here. Turns out it was a bloviated opinion
piece about a dad saying “no” to his kid downloading an app. I
didn’t think it was such a slow news day. Guess I was wrong.
– Adoption Tax Credit: What The GOP
Tax Credit Cut Means To Parents And Kids
It means that the
unwanted children they claimed to be so hellbent on protecting
pre-formation mean absolutely NOTHING to them once they pop out. It
means they want to punish women for getting pregnant in the first
place by making it harder for them to give up that unwanted child. It
means they are intentionally standing in the way of those “little
bastards” ever finding a loving, caring home because they’re spawn
of sin. It means I fucking hate these blowhards in office and want
some real change even more!!! GAH!! I still love you, America. But
*deep breath* We
need a palate cleanser.
– Serial Toilet Clogger Sentenced to
150 Days in Jail, 3 Years Probation
Before today I
didn’t know that fish eggs are still viable after traversing the
digestive expanse of a swan, or that one could be jailed for out of
control levels of fiber. We learn here, folks. It’s what we do.
I mean, given the
subject matter of the GOP post…uh…yeah. I think it’s a step up.
– Woman Barred From Texas Walmart
After Eating Half A Cake, Refusing To Pay Full Price
Now, I didn’t
bring this up because of the headline. Anyone who works for a bakery
that’s also part of a grocery or retail store knows things like this
100% happen. The stories I could tell… No, I bring this up because
in the article, they take the time to say, “The woman is not the
first this year to be banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, a city
not far from the Oklahoma border.” That is some next level padding
for word count right there.
– Killing Wolves Was Supposed to
Solve A Problem But Created Issue With Coyotes
Then they killed
the coyotes, and the badgers got out of hand. They took out the
badgers, and the possums carpe’d the diem. Their stint at the top was
short lived due to the measured deployment of eagles, but the eagles
soon fell to the drone army controlled by the bobcat cabal. The
bobcat cabal got a little too chummy with the back stabbing raccoons,
who eroded their ranks from within but left their own flanks
vulnerable to cougars, who had been carefully plotting their coup
from the deep, dark caves of the mountains. The cougars had a decent
run, but were no match for the venom of rattlesnakes, and the snakes
took the iron throne for a hot minute before they were George R.R.
Martined by mongooses. And so it went until the only animals left
were bunnies, who climbed over the bloodstained battlefield and
screamed triumphantly into the first rays of a new dawn, “OUR TIME
an explosively good Roundup for Tuesday, July 2, 2019. I’d make it
longer, but I’m really just stalling before digging in to tackle some
real life challenges, and those are really niggling, sooo… Everyone
have a safe and happy holiday weekend! Remember, any is too many.
Grab a couch. Crash on the lawn under the fireworks. Sleep with your
head in your friends’ toilet. Just please don’t become a drunk