And the rockets red glare, the headlines lacking in flare…

Mornin’ all.

Can you believe the year is half over already? You know what that means. It’s almost the 4^th of July! I’m waving a sparkler, but I guess you’re just going to have to take my word for that.

I actually really love patriotic holidays. I am a hippie AND a patriot. I love my country. Yes, it’s a messed up blend of fever-dream-meets-bad-acid-trip at the moment, but I still think it’s worth saving.

I don’t want this post to be overly political, though. I mean it’s me, and I won’t be able to pass up taking a few jabs. You understand. But as far as actually addressing the issue with more than quippy snark? I’ll try not to. It’s a holiday, after all! We can get into the nitty gritty another time. For now, let’s just have some fun. And what do we do around here for fun?

*cue the full marching band for the catchy theme music* *cue the red, white, and blue go-go dancers* *set off the confetti cannon*

That’s right. We’re doing a super duper, ultra mega, eXtremerific…

* * * HOLIDAY HEADLINE ROUND-UP!!!! * * *

It just pulls at the heart strings to see the dancers finish in a sequined pyramid under a shower of red, white, and blue fireworks just as the founding fathers intended, doesn’t it? *wipes tear* Well done, ladies.

I haven’t done a Roundup in awhile, but it’s not that hard to explain. I look at large news sites and scan through the headlines. When one grabs me for whatever reason, I copy it as written and present it for you perusal. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just ridiculous, but mostly, they put a thought in my head I feel compelled to share. As always, the headlines are 100% true red, white, and blue blooded. I just add the apple pie for dessert. Ready? Great! Put down your fifes and drums and let’s take a look at the world one headline at a time.

– You’d Never Guess These Salads Are Vegan

Vegans always think other people can’t taste the difference because they’ve eaten work-around foods for so long that they can’t tell. I’m sorry, any of my vegan pals, but I can guarantee you that I 100% CAN tell that your fauxmatoes and tofucumbers aren’t the real thing.

– Jana Kramer Reacts to Husband’s Cheating Dealbreaker: It ‘Hurts’

Really dug deep on that one.

– US Says Border Wall Will ‘Avoid’ Historic Texas Cemetery

Can’t the wall just ‘avoid’ the historic Mexican border?

– ‘A Bad Idea’: Senate Republicans Warn Trump Over Mexico Tariff Threat

Trump had a bad idea? Nooo. Not Chief Baby Hands.

– Here’s What Melania Trump is Doing Today

Probably silently weeping every spare moment she gets, if I had to wager.

– China Warns Citizens Against Travel To The US

Can you blame them? Really?

– Why Financial Literacy is Being Taught In Schools Across America

Um, maybe because it’s just a good fucking idea that should have been happening all along? Just throwin’ it out there.

– O.J. Simpson’s First Tweet: ‘I’ve Got A Little Getting Even To Do’

Damn, just got a major sense of deja vu. Huh.

– Man Captivates Cows With Saxophone Serenade

Boy, Kenny G’s career really took a turn, eh?

– Woman Spreads ‘Hope’ To Tornado Damage Victims

The woman gathered pieces of broken houses to make cross necklaces she’s then selling. She’s literally taking the proof of her god’s intended destruction of peoples lives and turning it into jewelry to remind them that they were on her god’s hit list. And suddenly, the quotes around the word hope make sense.

– New Hampshire Installs First Historical Marker to Honor Computer Programming

BASIC was invented here. Bet you didn’t know we were wicked fahkin’ tech savvy up here, didja bub?

– Facebook To Unveil New Cryptocurrency

Hm, should I let Facebook have any role in my financial future? Let me weigh the pros and cons. On the one hand, no. But, on the OTHER hand, also no.

– Palestinian Leaders Reject Kushner’s Economic Plan

Wise move. The only thing worse than letting Zuckerberg hold your purse strings is letting a peripheral Trump do it.

– Great Jobs To Boost Your Income When Retired

I wish the headline was something more along the lines of, “Americans Vote To Pitch In A Few Extra Bucks A Year To Increase Social Security So Our Elderly Who Have Worked Hard and Served Our Communities Can Have A Comfortable Last Few Years Because People Are Sick Of Watching Their Grandmas Work Menial Labor Jobs Just To Be Able To Afford The Luxury Of Eating AND Buying Medication Every Single Week,” but that’s not the world we live in.

– Underwood ‘Speechless’ Over Cheese Sculpture

I think she’s just stunned that it didn’t also come with a case of crackers. I stand with Carrie on this one. Tres declasse.

– The Brief (And Bizarre) History Of Selfies In Space

I wasn’t prepared for the “bizarre” facts in the story, but you know me, I have to share. Brace yourselves. You know what they had to do to take pictures of themselves in space? These crazy mofos at NASA had to make…get ready for it…a special trigger that the astronauts can use through their thick space suit gloves. What absolute freaks.

– Police Arrest 70 Climate Change Protesters Outside New York Times

These idiots laid in the street and attempted to scale the outside of the Times building to get the NY Times to stop calling it “climate change” and call it a “climate emergency” every time they referenced the situation in print. Which would be a lot of times, BTW, since the NY Times is most definitely an ally to their cause, printing many deep dive articles over the years trying to alert the public to the dangerous situation. I’m all for peaceful protests, but these mugs literally protested an organization that is already on their side over meaningless semantic bullshit when they SHOULD be protesting Fox News, Congress, the White House, and all the other massive organizations who continue to deny the effects of humanity on nature. It’s petty ass bullshit like this that weakens a cause.

– 30^th Horse Death At Santa Anita Park Prompts Officials To Boot Trainer

Silly trainer. You’re only supposed to push the horses to the brink of death in the name of entertainment. Dead horses don’t make money. Duh.

– Trump Delays Immigration Sweeps. Here’s Why California Police Say They Won’t Take Part

*police spokesperson walks out on stage**adjusts mic**clears throat* “Because it’s stupid.” *turns**walks off stage*

*sidebar*- Do you still have that warning button? You know, the one you push when I’m about to say something that has the potential to land me in hot water?

“Yeah.”

Good, because I’m reading this headline about an SUV crash, and the first half is all jokey and has a fun vibe, but then there’s a comma and everything after that is doom and gloom and I kind of have the urge to make a “well that Escalade-d quickly” pun, because, you know, Cadillacs and shit, and I just don’t know if it’s appropriate.

“Hm. Are there kids involved?”

Yeah.

*WARNING* *WARNING* *WARNING*

Got it. So no puns where kids are involved in a crash. Thanks for having my back.

– Sex Abuse Charges Against La Luz del Mundo Leader Are the ‘Tip Of the Iceberg’

But just the tip.

*WARNING* *WARNING* *WARNING*

…no sex abuse jokes either?

“NO!”

Hmph. Fun killer.

– What We Know About Those Buried At Tampa’s Forgotten Zion Cemetery

They worded this headline like we’re getting fast breaking news on a developing situation. Calm down, Tampa Bay Times. I don’t think anyone’s in a rush to scoop you on this one.

– Fact Check: Trump Makes 3 False Claims About Hispanics in Interview

Only three?

– Fish Eggs Can Hatch After Being Pooped Out By Swans

This is a thing you now know. You’re welcome.

– SpaceX Is About To Launch 152 Dead People’s Remains Into Orbit

Only into our own orbit? How are the remains supposed to be carried by the cosmic waves to other places in order to seed faraway landscapes with human DNA if they’re stuck in our own orbit? Has Elon Musk never read decent sci-fi??

– This Robot Fish Has Robot Blood

…soooo…oil?

– 40 Things No One Over 40 Should Have In Their Home

Oh shit. I’m over 40. This is absolutely relevant to me. Let’s check it out.

1. A dust ruffle

…aaaaand I was totally wrong. This is in no way relevant to me.

– Hospital Issues Warning After Five Cases of Children Falling From Windows

Holy shit. I can’t believe they even have to! If you have a child, close the windows on any level above the first floor, bring them in from the car every single time, don’t leave bare light sockets open, don’t put your baby in the oven to dry them off real quick after a bath, don’t pack Tide pods in their lunch bags, take off the necklace made of scissors when they go to run around with their friends..and above all else, if you’re out of Kool-Aid, never forget that bleach is NOT a good thirst-quencher. That’s Bethie’s Handbook For New Parents, available wherever common sense is found.

– Sarah Ferguson Shows Off Curtsy As She Reunites With Prince Andrew

Ooooo look at her showing off a curtsy. All I’ll ever be able to afford is a handshake, or maybe an air kiss if I’m lucky, and she’s out there genuflecting like it ain’t no thing. These rich folks are so out of touch.

– 15 High-waist Bikinis You’ll Want To Wear All Summer

Boy, does your ad-targetting software need some upgrading, Google.

– Wild Crocodile Bares Menacing Teeth At Scuba Diver Who Gets Too Close

Um, it’s called smiling. Diver comes up with a camera, so the croc tried to seize his moment to become Instagram famous. Shit. Why you always gotta paint crocodiles in such a negative light? Pathetic.

– Pompeo Confirms Trump Sent Kim Jong Un Letter

You will never get me to believe that Trump can write. FAKE NEWS.

– Pompeo Confirms Trump Sent Kim Jong Un Letter

…unless…Do you…do you think maybe it was like a big letter “z” written in crayon on a piece of that learning-to-write paper they use in kindergarten? OMG I want to believe that’s what they meant so bad. The alternative is that someone pulling Trump’s strings conned Don into agreeing to butter up Kim more so that we can get some help bombing Iran because they are convinced the best way for the orange Cheeto to stay in office is to kill thousands of people for no reason whatsoever. I never thought I’d say this, but: Here’s hoping the figurehead of our country actually sent the leader of another country a purple crayon scribbled “Z”.

– How A Trump Tax Cut Helped A Billionaire Win Big

yay. lucky him. finally caught a break in life. good job. so glad things turned around for him.

– Florida Police Detained A Tortoise For Blocking The Road. He Got Away With A Warning And A Selfie

WOW. So this jaywalking road-blocking scofflaw gets off with a warning and a fun selfie with the cops, while the croc who was minding his own business in his own neighborhood gets blasted across social media for being “menacing” when all he did was smile into a camera?? This right here is the definition of media bias!!

– Pence: US ‘Not Convinced’ Downing Of Drone Authorized At ‘Highest Levels’

We sent a drone over there to spy on another country in their own air space. Frankly, them shooting it down seems fair, even if the “highest levels” DID authorize it. WE were spying on THEM. We got caught. They broke our camera and wagged their finger at us for trying to get one over on ’em. I’ve seen enough Spy Vs. Spy to know that’s just how the game works.

– How Prince Philip’s Pranks On Queen Elizabeth Made Her Laugh, But Also Backfired

If one of the pranks was not a whoopie cushion on the seat of the throne then Philip has forfeited his right to be king. FACT.

– This New Poll Finds Widespread Islamphobia Among Conservatives

You ever been digitally slow-blinked, Business Insider? Because that was legitimately my reaction when I read this headline.

– Hang Gliding From Texas To Canada For Breast Cancer Research

He’s not raising money. His goal is to “make people aware of breast cancer.” He’s got a bunch of volunteers to bring him supplies and donate hotel rooms along the way, but, once again- and I can’t stress this enough- he’s not personally raising any money at all for cancer research. He just wants people to know that THEY can raise money. And not just that, he’s convinced a whole lot of well-intentioned folks to give him free shit, to give HIM their money instead of donating that amount to cancer fucking research…I can’t even with this shit today.

– 7 Purchases You Should Never Make

I was nervous about being judged by another smug click baiter, but was pleasantly surprised to find the list filled with things like jet skis and hot cars. Apparently I can still make it rain for strippers and pick up some blow on payday without shame. What a relief!

– How The Cost Of College Has Changed Over The Years

It used to be nearly free, and now we expect 18 year olds to slap down the cost of a house before we’ll deign to let them learn at a higher level. No big mystery.

– Owner Of ‘Attack Squirrel’ Arrested After Chase

Oh no, guys. It’s even better than you think. The dude didn’t just train a squirrel to attack, he fed it methamphetamines to unleash the beast within, maximizing the force of the attack. A worthy contender for Florida Man’s crown approaches…

– Trump Declares Himself Winner In Democratic Debates

I mean of course he does. Did anyone expect anything else?

– Campbell: I Go Days Without Food, But I Don’t Starve Myself

Dictionary.com. It’s a wonderful tool, Naomi.

– This is THE Best Cherry Margarita

NO. Stop it right now! Cherries do NOT belong in margaritas. Margaritas are perfect and wholesome and everything good in this world. Keep your filthy tree balls out of my margaritas! #FuckCherries

– How To Prevent Sunburned Eyes

Blink.

– Stowaway Falls Into A Garden From An Airliner

And that, children, is how garden gnomes are born.

– Analysis: Joe Biden’s Soft Polling Underbelly Just Got Exposed

Why does this headline feel so uncomfortable? *shudder*

– Administration Forecasts 25% Decrease In Migrant Apprehensions At US-Mexico Border in June

…but…it’s July. We already had June. You can’t forecast something that’s already happened. Just when you think you’re at the bottom rung of the ladder of expectations, you discover there are still new depths yet to be explored.

– England Takes On USWNT

Putting aside the fact that England might not want to take on anything with the US this week given the history of early July, I love word games. Let’s try and figure out what USWNT stands for, shall we? United States Women’s Nut Tossers. Untidy Shellfish With Nasty Tentacles. Unruly Students Who kNow Things. Upstanding Sword Wielding Ninja Turtles. Unusually Smelly Wool Napkin Tuckers. …I could do this all day. Should I do this all day?

“NO!”

…Unwanted Silly Word Nerd Tomfoolery. *sniff*

– I’m Betting $523,111 On This 1 Stock

You fool. Everyone knows that $523,110.67 is the limit. Get packing for the poor house.

– CDC Warns Of Pool Parasites Ahead of 4^th of July Weekend

They’re called “children,” and apparently they are everywhere.

– See How Bra Clasps Can Save A Turtle’s Life

It’s simple, really. Turtles don’t have thumbs. A young and irresponsible turtle couple that can’t get the bra off and gets frustrated and gives up after the mood is spoiled can’t spread life threatening STDs, now can they?

– Stores Encourage Shoppers To Bring Their Own Bags

Okay, Rip van Winkle. Thanks for keeping up with the grocery trend that began 20 years ago.

– Why Are Norwegians So Happy? In A Word: ‘Koselig’

Oh duh! Of course it’s koselig! Why didn’t I think of that?

– Could The Poo Of Elite Athletes Provide An Ingredient To Improve Physical Performance?

I am very disturbed that someone would even ask that question, and even more alarmed at the idea of someone actually using the knowledge to create a supplement. But…now that we’re here…I guess it would really depend on how much of the steroids permeate the digestive system, and if they would still be concentrated enough to provide effective performance enhancement, wouldn’t it?

– Trump’s Immigration Proposal Could Cause Millions Of Children To Opt Out Of Heath Benefits, Study Says

No no no no no no. Children do not “opt” in OR out of health benefits. Children do not choose anything. Stop trying to make it sound worse than it is. It’s already bad enough. You don’t need to shove the slant down our throats, CNN. That’s just as disrespectful to readers as when Fox does it. Shame.

– The Risks Of Crowdsourcing Kids’ Screen Decisions

I had absolutely no idea what was going on here. Turns out it was a bloviated opinion piece about a dad saying “no” to his kid downloading an app. I didn’t think it was such a slow news day. Guess I was wrong.

– Adoption Tax Credit: What The GOP Tax Credit Cut Means To Parents And Kids

It means that the unwanted children they claimed to be so hellbent on protecting pre-formation mean absolutely NOTHING to them once they pop out. It means they want to punish women for getting pregnant in the first place by making it harder for them to give up that unwanted child. It means they are intentionally standing in the way of those “little bastards” ever finding a loving, caring home because they’re spawn of sin. It means I fucking hate these blowhards in office and want some real change even more!!! GAH!! I still love you, America. But COME. ON.

*deep breath* We need a palate cleanser.

– Serial Toilet Clogger Sentenced to 150 Days in Jail, 3 Years Probation

Before today I didn’t know that fish eggs are still viable after traversing the digestive expanse of a swan, or that one could be jailed for out of control levels of fiber. We learn here, folks. It’s what we do.

“…that’s your palate cleanser?”

I mean, given the subject matter of the GOP post…uh…yeah. I think it’s a step up.

– Woman Barred From Texas Walmart After Eating Half A Cake, Refusing To Pay Full Price

Now, I didn’t bring this up because of the headline. Anyone who works for a bakery that’s also part of a grocery or retail store knows things like this 100% happen. The stories I could tell… No, I bring this up because in the article, they take the time to say, “The woman is not the first this year to be banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, a city not far from the Oklahoma border.” That is some next level padding for word count right there.

– Killing Wolves Was Supposed to Solve A Problem But Created Issue With Coyotes

Then they killed the coyotes, and the badgers got out of hand. They took out the badgers, and the possums carpe’d the diem. Their stint at the top was short lived due to the measured deployment of eagles, but the eagles soon fell to the drone army controlled by the bobcat cabal. The bobcat cabal got a little too chummy with the back stabbing raccoons, who eroded their ranks from within but left their own flanks vulnerable to cougars, who had been carefully plotting their coup from the deep, dark caves of the mountains. The cougars had a decent run, but were no match for the venom of rattlesnakes, and the snakes took the iron throne for a hot minute before they were George R.R. Martined by mongooses. And so it went until the only animals left were bunnies, who climbed over the bloodstained battlefield and screamed triumphantly into the first rays of a new dawn, “OUR TIME IS NOW!!”

Thus concludes an explosively good Roundup for Tuesday, July 2, 2019. I’d make it longer, but I’m really just stalling before digging in to tackle some real life challenges, and those are really niggling, sooo… Everyone have a safe and happy holiday weekend! Remember, any is too many. Grab a couch. Crash on the lawn under the fireworks. Sleep with your head in your friends’ toilet. Just please don’t become a drunk driving statistic!!

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Fair warning, I’m a bit rusty…

Mornin’ all.

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I had a rough winter, folks. Just one of those very difficult emotional times for me where I get stuck in my own head and hoard unhelpful thoughts. And then, even after the fog cleared, trepidation remained. There was a feeling of wanting to write, but being afraid that doing so would open Pandora’s box.

It’s like when you break a leg. Months of crutching around babying your injury teach you to continue babying it well after the x-rays prove you’re all patched up, just in case you push too hard too fast and end up right back on the crutch.

I fully believe all creative people have some kind of love/hate relationship with the overactive emotions which lead to creativity in the first place.

I’m good. I’ve been good for a little while. I was just afraid that putting things into writing and making them real might cause my mental sciatica to flare up again.

*cleansing sigh* There. That feels better!

Now that we’ve gotten that bullshit out of the way, I’m going to piss some of you off.

…I mean, I hope I don’t. I hope you’ll listen to what I’m actually saying instead of half-hearing a few of the particulars. I hope that even if you don’t agree with me, you come to an understanding of my point of view.

“Um, Bethie? This sounds like you’re about to talk about politics.”

WHAT? Politics as the topic of my first post in months?? That would be monumentally stupid. Sheesh. I’m rusty, but I’m not a newb.

“Phew. Because I was about to hit the warning button.”

No, I’m just going to talk about religion.

“…uh oh…”

You still have that button, though, huh? Sweet. Put it away for now. It’s completely unnecessary for the kind of mild, civil conversations people love to have about religions.

Say, do you still happen to have that sarcasm squeegie as well? Because it’s dripping off my screen pretty bad at the moment.

Something happened at work yesterday that really made me angry. And while I do not have a platform at work, with the customer, I do have a small platform here. I’ll get to why I’m actually writing this later. First, the story.

I made a cake for a customer.

“HOW DARE YOU!!??”

Whoa now, Trigger. We’re not at the controversial part yet. Calm down.

I made a cake for a customer, and when she came to pick it up, it cost less than she was quoted by one of my coworkers. She said, “That’s wonderful because my wallet loves to clamp down tight and keep money inside!”

I said, “Really? Because it seems like my wallet can’t wait to get rid of money as soon as it gets some in it!”

It was a joke, lighthearted banter between purveyor of cakes and willing consumer. Not my best, but in the moment it felt like a decent exchange. I expected maybe a titter, perhaps a forced chuckle before we wished each other a good day and moved on with our lives. That’s how customer interactions are supposed to work. That’s capitalism, guys. That’s what we’re promised under the waving banner of red, white, and blue. They want a thing, I give them the thing, we exchange hollow pleasantries, and it’s done. Badabing, on to the next.

Folks, she did not chuckle. Instead, she got very, very serious and intense. She said, “I’m going to share an experience with you that will change your life and get rid of your worries about money. You need to stop thinking you can control any of it and you need to put your finances in the hands of the lord.”

This is the point in a conversation where I scramble to come up with an exit strategy. In my personal life off the company’s dime I might engage a bit, ask a few questions. But I wasn’t in my personal life. I was standing there, purveyor and customer, working for a corporation that would absolutely 100% not tolerate me saying anything but, “Oh. I’m glad that worked for you.” So that’s what I said. I figured that combined with my clear discomfort would nicely close out the conversation.

If that’s what happened, I wouldn’t be writing this. If the lady realized I was at work, on the clock, not free to discuss my thoughts on religion or specific tenets, said something like, “Me too! You have a good day now!” and left, we would not be sitting here together with at least one of us getting angry again just thinking about the interaction.

Instead of taking the social cue, she kept talking. “My husband had a kidney transplant. It left us with medical bills you cannot imagine. You have no idea what that type of medical procedure can cost. None at all.”

I’m trying to think of how I can adequately explain the way this woman was just preaching her script. It was as if she was reading the testimonies off one of those recruitment pamphlets. As soon as she said her husband had a kidney transplant, I said, “I’m so sorry. Is he better now?” Instead of answering or even acknowledging that the other person involved in this “conversation” spoke, she just plowed ahead.

I couldn’t help myself from interrupting again when she asserted that I couldn’t possibly understand a very expensive medical situation. I said, “Oh, I get it. My son had cancer and a stem cell transplant. I understand high medical bills.”

That stopped her…but not in the way one might expect. She said, “But we had to pay for the donor’s medical, too. Did you have to do that? I don’t think so, so you can’t understand.”

Right there, she proved this was not about me. It was about her. It was not about helping me, it was about her saying her peace.

And then she went right back into the script. She started talking about how broke they were, how there was no way out, how they were scraping by and yada yada. Then she says, “So I got down on my knees and opened my book and asked the lord to take care of my financial problems. And from that moment on, it was like a whole new world opened up to me.”

I said, “I’m very glad that worked for you. I’m not really in a financial pit. I was just joking about the wallet. Really, I’m not stressed or worried. Can I help you get your cake in the cart?”

She said, “But you are worried and you should be worried with those bills hanging over you! Don’t you see that you’re in a cycle that will never change until you open yourself up to god and let him guide you?”

I said, “Thanks, but honestly, I’m good.”

Once again, she just reverted to script. “I got down on my knees and I put my money in god’s hands and you can’t believe what a relief it was. With his guidance I was able to start setting aside a day’s pay. One day’s pay from every check, no matter what other bills needed to be paid. And you know what happened?”

Guys, if you think she paused for me to respond in any way, you haven’t been following along.

“I started a savings account with that money. It didn’t matter how broke we were, by doing that, god provided.”

She went on. At this point, I had realized it was a script and that I wasn’t going to get her out of it and only responded with “Mm,” and, “uh huh” until she wound down. It lasted about five minutes. No joke. And at the end, she gets this look on her face and says, “Oh! I don’t know what compelled me to tell you about all that!”

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Let’s be absolutely clear about the point of anger and frustration for me. I don’t give a rat’s ass what she believes. She’s completely entitled to her beliefs. I have never and will never say anything to the contrary. If she wants to think that her god made her grow up a little and stop blowing her money, then have at it, lady. If that’s what she wants to credit with her savings account, okay.

I was at work, though. I was on the clock. I was doing my job in customer service, and as such, I was an unwilling captive audience. It was not only beyond inappropriate in terms of standard socially acceptable situations to preach to me in that moment, it was frankly rude and selfish.

“But Bethie, she felt compelled by her god to have a conversation.”

No. She felt entitled to completely disregard me at every turn in what was supposed to be a human interaction. That means two people contributing to a conversation. She was not letting me contribute. She did not WANT me to contribute. She wasn’t having a conversation with me at all. She was doing what her religion has told her she has the right to do and just pushing her beliefs at me in my place of business where she knew full well I couldn’t really say anything to shut her down.

Every time I tried to politely stop the conversation, she utterly ignored me and kept right on pushing what she wanted to sell.

That’s not a way to deal with people, folks. That’s not a way to convert people. That’s not a way to get someone to listen to a new point of view. That’s just being an asshole.

I guarantee she went home and told her family that her god guided her to tell me how to fix financial woes that- once again, let me be abundantly clear- I specifically stated I did not have. I don’t have outstanding medical bills from that time. They’re all done and gone. I’m not one to be worried about money beyond being able to pay the bills and feed my kids. That’s never been a big thing to me. I am not the person she convinced herself I am, and she would have known that if she just stopped and listened.

But she didn’t.

I guarantee that she is telling everyone who’ll listen that she “preached her truth” to me and showed me the light and that her god worked through her and isn’t she just the BEST in the flock for being “brave” enough to just let the words and works flow through her and…

It vexes me, guys. It really, really does. I’m sorry, lady, but no, you did not “reach” me in any way. THAT’S why I’m saying something right now. I couldn’t speak up and say it yesterday, and there is zero chance that that particular lady will ever read this. But I can say it here, to all of you, just in case your religions have told you this is a good method of recruitment and a good way to get on in society. It’s beyond rude to preach to someone while they are working. It just is. And if you don’t think so, I’ll send a Muslim on over to your office to give you tips from allah on how you can save TWO day’s worth of pay. I’m sure you’ll have no problem with that.

Get my point?

I understand that people want to share what they feel worked for them. But there’s an appropriate time and place for preaching. That was neither. I didn’t ask for financial advice. I didn’t ask for religious advice. I made it as clear as I could while I was stuck in the confines of corporate shillery that I did not want to be preached to, and my wishes were summarily ignored.

I’m writing this because so many religions have told their adherents that this behavior is okay. It’s not. It’s just not, guys. This is not how to make friends and influence people in a mixed society. I would never, ever go to someone’s place of business and try to get them to question their beliefs. Never. If you have done this to other people, here is an inside look at how you’re coming off to the people you convinced yourself you’re reaching. It’s a dick move. Don’t do it.

…see? No need to be angry. I wasn’t blasting the ideas. I could counter them, and this particular forum WOULD be an appropriate place. But that’s not what this is about. That’s not what made me angry. It’s not about the ideas. It’s about personal behavior and crossing the boundaries of civil interaction. I don’t care if it’s a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Hini, or a Jew, or a Jainism monk. I don’t care if they’re telling me that God, or Allah, or Yahweh, or Vishnu will help my financial future. This is offensive as a situation, independent of the ideas the person is conveying.

If you feel angry or defensive right now, just think about it. That’s all I’m asking. Think about how you’re being seen from the other side of the coin. Think about how you’d feel in the other person’s shoes. That “doing unto others” bit is a very good piece of advice, no matter who said it.

Thus concludes a not at all controversial, extremely boring and mundane Musing for Sunday, June 2, 2019. I have so many cars to fix and a house to paint and a lawn to mow and a hoard to unload and… Mental ennui takes a toll across the board. At least I’ve got some terrible coffee to kick me in gear…

Who needs alarm clocks when you’ve got snowplows early on a Sunday morning?

Mornin’ all.

Say, remember all the way back in December of 2018 we were looking forward to 2019 because it *HAD* to be better?

*slowly sips coffee*

It’s snowing heavily outside and I’ve got wicked heart burn from a really bad night of sleep. That pretty much sums up my feelings of 2019 so far. Ya know, I don’t even think I want to do much of a preamble today. I think we’ll just get right to the…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! ***

“Um, Bethie? You do realize that putting on a happy face and changing the subject to something frivolous is simply a coping mechanism to deflect from the discomfort of actually sharing and being vulnerable, right?”

Duh.

“…okay. Just making sure you knew what you were doing.”

I do! I’m showing you stupid headlines. Right now, the world is messed up AF, and the headlines reflect this. You know how this goes. I scour the mainstream internet news sites for headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just plain old funny. Most times, though, they trigger a reaction I want to share. As always, the headlines are brought to you in all their…we’ll kindly call it “glory.” I just provide the snark. Let’s get into it.

– Why Stock Market Bears Are Preparing for Feb 13^th

Because that’s the day the teddy bears have their piiiiic-nic.

– Trump Flag Rises After Previous One Vandalized

You do realize you just announced to the internet that you most definitely do not want your second flag vandalized as well, don’t you? And you expect that literally waving a flag at the internet bulls will go unnoticed? Have you never been on the internet before?

– TSA Workers to Get $500 Bonuses During Shutdown

TSA agents are considered “essential” workers. They have been working for about month without any pay at all. This “bonus” is the only loophole the TSA could find to get their people some sort of pay. I hate that the headline here makes it seem like the TSA agents are raking in excess when in reality, they’re getting shafted just like the rest of the federal employees. No comedy with this one, just disgust that such an immature self-centered asshole was allowed the opportunity to control so many lives.

– Third Drug Tunnel Discovered Along Mexican Border

ZOMG GUYS!!! I have a great idea on how to stop this!! Okay, what we need to do is figure out how to build some sort of, like, a…wall, or something. Only….UNDER THE GROUND. It’s fool proof.

– LeBron, Ellen, and 11 Other Stars Teach You How to Invest.

1. Get buttloads of money.

2. …you don’t have buttloads of money? You can’t invest without that.

3. Come back when you have completed step 1.

– Thinning Hair? Pour This On Your Head

In the 80s there was spray hair. You just painted your bald spot and some of the paint stuck to the thinning wisps leftover from your youth like a mascara toupee. Not particularly relevant here, I just wanted to let our younger audience know what we had to live through. #SeenSomeShit

– See A Meat-eating Hare Caught In The Act

Internet, life is hard enough. I do not want to see murder bunnies. Fuck off.

– Trump Kept Details of Meetings With Putin From U.S. Senior Officials

I see the No Shit Gazette is still going strong.

– Charlie Sheen Makes Move to Save House From Foreclosure

Soooo…he paid his mortgage? Mind blowing.

– California Town Launches ‘Goat Fund Me’ Campaign to Prevent Wildfires

Woooow. I’mma go get Smokey the Bear some aloe for that sick burn.

– Dems Fly to Puerto Rico on Chartered Jet, Meet With Lobbyists, See ‘Hamilton’ As Shutdown Drags On

…and they brought with them 250 lbs of donated medical supplies, paid for the jet with private funds, not federal tax dollars, and held many meetings with community leaders while there. I think the only outrage here is that no republicans went with them to help bridge the divide we have with our own citizens.

– Greek Leader Calls for Vote Of Confidence After Minister Quits Over Macedonia Deal

Have you followed the hot mess that is Greece in recent years? I don’t think that vote is going to go the way you want it to, man.

– This Is Why McDonald’s Won’t Serve Burgers In The Morning

Because they’re not uncultured swine, Susan. *roll my eyes* God.

– Iran Conducted Satellite Launch Criticized By US, But It Failed To Reach Orbit

*ANGER**OUTRAGE**GARGYBLARGYBROWNPEOPLEGRRR**BOOM**PSSSWWAAAHHH**pop**fizzle**CRASH* …oh. Never mind.

– EPA Action Against Polluters Hit 30 Year Low

Huh, that’s odd. Given Trump’s firm stance on global warming, I’m surprised there are ANY EPA sanctions happening at all. #CouldBeWorse?IGuess?

– Hoda Kotb Celebrates After Winning Super Bowl Bet

The Super Bowl hasn’t even happened yet, you absolute morons. Way to sports.

– Trump Can’t Stop US Coal Plants From Shutting Down

YAY!!! They should put this one in the “Good News” section!

– Baby Boom ‘Explodes’ Among Nurses At Illinois Hospital

Poll time! Which way did YOUR mind go when you read this:

1. They must have a hot new doctor “making the rounds”…

2. …or they were talking about literal exploding babies.

How you answer says a lot about you.

– Science Gets Shut Down Along With The Federal Government

Pence must be creaming his pants right now.

– Science Gets Shut Down Along With The Federal Government

Fortunately for us, logic will once again be the bucket of ice water on Pence’s theocratic dreams. THAT’S. NOT. HOW. SCIENCE. WORKS. While many studies have, indeed, been put on hold, “science”, the method by which we try to explain the observations of the natural world, can never, ever be stopped. People do it every single day. They will continue to do it every single day, whether there are tax dollars or not. Advancements WILL keep happening. The risk to our country is that if this absolute idiocy continues and there is no more funding, OTHER nations will zoom past us in their hover cars while we revert to the ways of 2,000 years ago. I do not want that. Any reasonable-minded person should not want that. #ScienceISTheWay!

– FDA To Restart Food Inspections With Unpaid Staff

Yeah, because they’re really going to put their all into keeping the community safe when they’re not getting paid. Get ready for some spite e.coli.

– River of Chocolate Flows On AZ Highway After Truck Spill

Yeah, it’s cool and all, but if you try and jump in, Oompa Loompas will carry you off while singing a catchy ditty before you even get your fill. Er, don’t ask how I know this. *still wiping chocolate from…crevices…*

– Woman Drinking Wine From Pringles Can Banned From Texas Walmart

See kids? This is why McDonald’s has to draw the line at morning burgers. It’s a very slippery slope between 11 am nuggets, and winos drinking out of french fry containers.

– Woman Drinking Wine From Pringles Can Banned From Texas Walmart

…and I’d just like to point out that as soon as you read the beginning of the headline, you KNEW it was going to be Walmart and a southern state. I, personally, expected it to be Florida. It’s those little plot twists that keep life interesting.

– Easter Island Statues: Researchers Explain Their Location

“See, if they were anywhere else, we couldn’t call them ‘Easter Island statues’.” *ahhhs from rapt crowd*

– Man Caught Trying to Smuggle Live Snake In Berlin Airport

Genug ist genug! They’ve had it with those mutter ficken snakes on their mutter ficken planes!

– Black Student Told Her Skin Was Too Dark Sues Kansas School District

Her dance coach said her skin was too dark to look good with the dance costumes, then was caught saying she “felt sick” that the student won a dance scholarship, and even though she was fired on paper, she still continued to coach the team on what sounds like a “volunteer” basis, going so far as to reorganize the yearly banquet for every other student BUT the girl in question, all with the school administration’s approval. I hope this girl gets MILLIONS!!!

– School Students Filmed In Blackface Imitating Monkeys

Just in case you forgot for even a second that in 2019 this absolute bullshit still happens. I wonder why we’ve come so far in some ways, yet still can’t shake these outdated, immoral, tribalistic ideas?

– Noah’s Ark Theme Park Spars With Advocacy Group Over Visits By Public School Students

OH. That’s right. Never mind my previous question.

– Trump Wall Donors Have Given $7 Million For New Idea

Have you heard about this guy? He’s taking GoFundMe money to privately fund the wall for the government. Now, he’s changed things up a bit. Realizing that there was no way in hell he could reach his goal of $5 Billion, he is taking the millions to build his OWN wall on the southern border. It is depressing how quickly fools will throw away their money.

– Government Shutdown: Coast Guard Family Starts GoFundMe To Pay Members

Hey, fools! Instead of falling for a wall scheme, maybe give to our coast guard service members who are still working to ACTUALLY protect our nation from REAL threats. Just sayin’.

– Second Brexit Referendum Vote More Likely After May’s Plan Defeated

This is a perfect example of how we just can’t escape being like our parents. #WeLearnedItByWatchingYou,Mumsy

– China First Nation To Grow Cotton On The Moon

A cool little research project, with potentially awesome benefits if they can just…

– China’s Moon Plant Has Already Died

…well. This just got awkward.

– The ‘Pegan’ Diet Could Be The Next Big Thing

It’s a combo of “vegan” and “paleo”. Soooo…like…just literal grazing in a field?

– The ‘Pegan’ Diet Could Be The Next Big Thing

And while we’re on the subject… I understand the many reasons for a vegan diet. I do not understand paleo. Why on earth would you want to eat like people who had an average lifespan of 35? Ancient “wisdom” isn’t. It’s just what a group of people with a very limited understanding of the world around them and almost no concept of how their own bodies functioned could come up with at the time. Their bones showed that almost all of these “paleo” humans were plagued with many diseases that could easily be prevented if they weren’t malnourished. It’s just bizarre to me that anyone thinks prehistoric cave dwellers who had 1/3 the lifespan we’ve got now had any kind of leg up on modern nutritionists.

– A 24-room Gothic Victorian Mansion Has Dropped in Jamaica Plain For $4.2M

Did it land on a wicked witch?

– Trump Startled By Barr-Mueller Friendship, Sources Say

“I don’t understand. What’s this fredchip malarkey?” “Friendship, sir. It’s when two people like and support each other.” “Hang on. You’re going too fast, Pencildick. Huckababe, write this down after you finish waxing my ass.” “*sigh* It’s just Sanders now, sir.”

– Measles Outbreak Grows In Areas With Low Vaccination Rates

Damn. If only there was a way to stop it.

– Shutdown: Crowdfunding Employees Likely Violating Ethics Rules, Experts Say

And they might face punishment when the government resumes. If this doesn’t make your blood boil, we can’t be friends anymore.

– Hope You Aren’t Counting On Getting A Tax Refund This Winter

Honey, I know we’re all disappointed in our government right now, but back that sass off a little, m’kay?

– Trump Touts Border Wall In San Antonio Which Has No Wall And Isn’t On The Border.

*tents fingers in front of mouth* Guys. Real talk, here. To any of you who support Trump, take a second to really think about the implications of a dude who will close the government down and force hundreds of thousands of hardworking American federal employees towards financial ruin over an issue he hasn’t even fucking studied. He hasn’t even bothered to look at a goddamn map. COME. ON. Give me one legitimate reason you still support him.

– Can She Keep Miami Beach Above The Rising Sea?

Nope.

– Supreme Appeal: Ruth Bader Ginsberg Makes Appearance In ‘Lego Movie 2’

The mashup we didn’t know we needed.

– Corruption Takes Centre Stage In Nigerian Election Campaign

I feel you, Nigerians. I wish I could say it gets better once it’s out in the open, but apparently people will just turn around and look at something else. Hang in there, guys.

– Melania Trump’s Year In Fashion Was Filled With Faux Pas

That’s okay, so was her husband’s year in politics.

– Vogue Mistakes Journalist For Actress

HOW COULD YOU. You’re dead to me, Vogue.

– Jayme Closs Rescued Herself. Should She Get The Reward Money?

Hell yes. This shouldn’t even be a question.

– Melania Trump Stays Out of Sight– But In Flight– During Shutdown

Good. With all her fashion faux pas smearing this country’s good name, the best place for her is out of sight. I swear, if I have to look at her parade around last season’s Louboutins like some uncultured troglodyte one more time…

– DNA Technology Is Helping Police Solve Cold Cases

I feel like this article is the result of the NY Times releasing a reporter they had locked in a dungeon for 50 years with no access to technology, giving him one week to bone up on everything that’s taken place, and then saying, “Aaaand here’s your keyboard. Think of it like a typewriter without ink. Now, write us a story.”

– Her Company Wants You Fitted With The Right Bra- At Home

Anyone else getting a fashion-forward Tinder vibe?

– Macron Faces Grilling In Land Of Cheese

I feel like you’re all bracing for the “Macron-i and cheese” pun. I have trained you well. You can relax, though. What kind of muenster would I be to pick on a gouda guy like Macron? Hasn’t he been stiltoned enough by the press? After all, didn’t he embarrass the hell out of Trump by casually touching his knee? Edam well did, and I respect him for it!

“Bethie, one more and we can’t be friends anymore.”

…that’s fair.

– Should You Try ‘Souping?’

Kids, the internet is the modern version of a stranger in a white van. If the internet asks if you want to try something, the answer is always “NO!” #StrangerDanger #MothersAgainstSouping

– Avocados: History Of An Unlikely But Legitimate Healthy Food Craze

I’mma just say it: I hate avocados. Fuck your avocado toast and your avocado ice creams and your sneaky ass avocado BLTs. Keep your environment-killing, mildew-tasting, neon gloppy bullshit out of my dinner! *deep sigh* Whoo! That is a load off, I tell you what.

– Trend Alert: Mushrooms In Coffee, Chocolate

Mushroom…chocolate??! …still better than avocados.

– US Sends Stealth B-2s to Pacific

I’m not the best at math, but let’s work this problem out together. A B-2 stealth bomber has a top speed of 628 mph. The current rate of air flow of the jet stream from west to east is 110 mph. If one bomber is deployed 2,300 miles from its home base traveling against the jet stream, and the pentagon announces the deployment, how fast will the “stealth” part of the operation be negated?

Show your work for full credit.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Snowday, January Snowtieth, 20Snowteen. While you work on your math homework, I’mma go do round one of shoveling. You know you’re jealous.

Let’s plan a party!

Mornin’ all.

Can you believe it’s finally December 31^st? I feel like this was one long ass year.

Usually around the year’s end, I do some kind of “best of”. I’m not going to do that today because…screw 2018. I think the best thing we can say about it is that we made it through.

Wellll…I guess technically there’s still time for the nation’s top Cheeto to destroy us all, but I’m choosing to be optimistic and plan for us as a nation to be able to ring in 2019. And that deserves a celebration!

Now, full disclosure, I haven’t had a party in ages. Fortunately, the internet is full of helpful party tips that any newbs, or folks like myself who are just rusty, can use to make a New Year’s party that everyone will remember for years to come. The articles all guarantee that if we just follow their easy guidelines, we’ll nail it. Grab a piece of paper and take some notes, because we’re going to plan a party.

The first thing I’m told we need to do is choose a date. Well, that one’s easy! Tonight. Duh.

Next, we need to decide who’s coming. Start writing down names of your friends and family you want at your party. I know it’s a bit last minute, but it’s New Year’s. I highly doubt anyone has already made plans. It’s not like we’re trying to throw together and impromptu Flag Day party or anything.

Got your list? Good!

Now I’m reminded by the internet that we must pick a theme. According to Delish, we should definitely not choose “80s To The Max” or “White Trash Trailer Bash.” I was bummed out, too, but you can’t argue with their reasoning: Your friends already went to parties with those themes last week. Instead, they recommend we make the theme a color. It’s a “hot trend.” As someone who lives on the fast paced cutting edge of the very hottest trends, I’m totally on board. Go ahead and pick your party color. I call dibs on puce.

That takes care of the theme. What do we need for decorations?

This can get a bit tricky as you need to decorate appropriately for the age range of those in attendance. You don’t want suggestive hats with lewd phrases or topless dancers popping out of a cake if there will be kids there, nor do you want drunk frat rats to have the opportunity to pin the tail on anything. New Year’s puce-themed parties may have a mixed audience of younger and older people.

I think we should keep it pretty simple, guys. Let’s get some balloons, streamers, confetti, table cloths, napkins, plates, ice sculpture, disco ball, fog machine…

Oh. Hang on. I’m just looking at this wikiHow article on decorating for a party, and it says that store bought decorations can get pricey. To cut costs, it recommends making our own decorations. Hm. That does throw a small wrench in the works, because I’m not sure I have the time to whip up a fresh batch of latex balloons AND make food for the party…

“FOOD! We haven’t even thought of the food yet, Bethie!”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re making the number one pre-party foul, according to the Daily Mail. You’re getting ahead of yourself in the planning. Take a deep breath and relax. Let’s hammer out the décor details first, then we’ll worry about the rest. “One thing at a time” and we’ll “get through this.” The Daily Mail guarantees it.

I don’t have time to set up my lab and make balloons from scratch. If we’re getting balloons, we’ll just have to buy them. But, I suppose I can trim budget elsewhere. Just make a mental note that we’ll have to cut a few things out of the entertainment or something. I suppose I can reuse the Christmas table cloth. I’ll just flip it over and color it puce with a marker. I’ve only got one puce colored marker, but if I set the kids to do it now, they should just about be finished by party time.

“You could also ditch the ice sculpture, Bethie.”

No can do, my friend. Everyone has their no-gives.

Décor? *check* What’s next? Should we talk about entertainment or food? Hm. Let’s do entertainment first, since I said I’d have to trim a bit to make up for the balloons and it’s still fresh in my mind.

All of the sage party advisers on the internet say we definitely need entertainment, though their advice on which particular party performances we should employ is varied. Keeping in mind that the balloons have set us back two dollars, I think the live band is out. That’s okay. My house is pretty small and I’m guessing the charm would wear off the mariachi pretty quickly.

I know a SoundCloud DJ. That seems like a safe bet, because right now EVERYONE knows a SoundCloud DJ. I can probably put up with house trance better than mariachi, if I’m being honest. SoundCloud DJ it is!

I need something a bit more special to go with the free-J. Live performances are a way to take my party to the next level, according to MSN. I don’t want clowns or jugglers, and, like I said, there will be a mixed age crowd, so balloon animals are to be avoided at all costs. Besides, everyone has *those* kinds of party entertainers. The entertainment should fit the theme, my wikiHow guru reminds me.

Hm. Puce. What kind of entertainment can I have for puce. … …

“Aw man…you know what your party needs?”

Hang on. HANG the FUCK ON!!! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

FIRE TUBA!! *in unison* “FIRE TUBA!!”

How did it take us so long to come up with that? Now we said it out loud, seems like a no brainer. And even better, EventBrite assures me it’s one of the hottest party trends for 2019. Is it me, or is this party coming together like it was fated to happen?

Okay! We’ve got the guest list of people who have definitely not made other plans for tonight. We’ve got our theme…no stealing the puce. I mean it. We’ve got a list of decorations and I woke one of my boys up at 5:43 am to start coloring the flip side of the buffet length Christmas table cloth. I filled the ice trays to freeze up for the sculpture, sent a text to my free J friend…

*bling*

Hang on a sec, that sounds like my phone. Sweet! Just got this reply: “i guess”

Man is he pumped for this show!!

Food. Food is critical at a party. When I was a kid, we used to do things like finger sandwiches and cheese plates. I dunno, guys. That feels dated. I want to ring in the new year with something that really says, “Hey 2018, suck my dick!” I’m talking big, bold, fresh flavors. I want 2018 to see us already enjoying the promises of 2019 before it even begins.

To the internet we go, kids.

“34 Best Appetizers to Get Your Party Started”

How timely, Delish.

Wow. 34 is a really lot. I’m scrolling through, but there are just so many choices. You know what? I’m just going to let my eyes do the choosing. They say you eat with your eyes first. We’ll flip through the pictures and find some tasty looking treats that scream “puce”. …well, mine will scream puce. As I’ve already said, dibs. Pick your own color and stop trying to steal my thunder.

Here’s one that caught my eye:

Chocolate popsicles are going to be super popular in 2019, according to Delish. And I personally cannot think of a better way to serve them than in a heap on a plate slightly melted covered in salt.

I don’t really want the focus to be on just sweets, though. Here’s an updated idea instead of the standard crackers and cheese: cheesy garlic bread slices.

…do you think it would look tacky if I put more than this on a plate? I mean, this way would save some money. What am I going to do with the rest of the loaf, though?

Gah. Look at me over here, acting like I’m the party expert! If Delish says this is how I should serve it, then this is how I should serve it. Maybe the scuffle over the slices adds to the excitement of the party?

I think I should have something vegan, right? That’s a thing that party people do, isn’t it? Let me scroll through the pics. Aha. Here we go.

I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I’m sure it’s vegan. I mean…look at it.

And though I’m told by the experts at the Daily Mail that chips and dips are passe, I can’t help but feel like it’s not a party without SOME kind of dip. Let’s go with this one.

It must be good if they couldn’t even wait for the photographer to take the picture before digging in. Hey, do you think that’s where the other garlic bread slices went?

Guests, décor, music, entertainment, food…I think the only thing left is what we should wear. I’m led to believe that’s extremely important. Important enough to make or break the party, according to Glamour.

I don’t know about you, but fashion is one place where I’m not too proud to admit I’m out of my element. Not for everyday gear, mind you. My 12 year old Payless sneakers are just as fashionable today as they were when I bought them.

Fact.

But for parties? I definitely need a little help.

Daily Mail says I should absolutely not wear high heels to a New Year’s party. I’m not sure why, exactly, as they don’t elaborate. I always thought that the time to wear high heels was at fancy parties. Shows how much I know! Hey, at least I don’t have to go out and buy a pair, so that’s good.

Also, I should not wear anything skin tight, skimpy, or short.

*rechecks the article to make sure they’re talking about New Year’s parties and not Amish birthday parties*

No, I read that right. So no high heels, mini skirts, sexy pants, or low cut dresses. Got it. And whatever we do tonight, they warn us to never, ever rely on nipple tape. Pfft. As if we all haven’t already learned that lesson on our own, amiright?

It’s all well and good learning what to avoid, but I need to know what to actually wear. Glamour suggests that I should wear something with sequins. “Match the theme if you can, but don’t go over the top. You don’t want to be seen as part of the decorations.”

Leggings under a flashy blouse are always in style, they claim. I’m not too sure on that one. They’re the experts, though. Puce sequin blouse. Black leggings.

“Hang on, Bethie. Daily Mail said nothing skin tight.”

Oh shit. I forgot! See? The many roads of fashion are difficult to navigate without help! Puce sequin blouse, black maxi skirt so I don’t show any ankle and risk making a harlot of myself. Now, what do I do with my hair?

Luxy Hair says I should go with big, sexy curls. I blew any wig budget I might have had on the SoundCloud DJ, because he texted me that he was trying to make it on a pro level and needed gas money at the very least. Damn demanding artists. *sigh* But, we need the DJ, so a wig is out. What can people with short hair do? I don’t want to upset my guests or “set the wrong tone” for my party.

Side parted hair with a forehead band. That’s the consensus, not only on Luxy Hair, but Refinery29 and House And Garden as well. Apparently if you’ve got short hair, the best thing to do is shove it to the side and put on an accessory that is designed to draw allllll the attention away from the abomination on top of your head. They recommend a band that sparkles, but “doesn’t compete with your eyes.” So, basically, keep it classy. Got it. I’m thinking something like this:

Only, you know, in puce.

Date, check. Decor, check. Entertainment, double check since the fire tuba player has confirmed he’s in. In fact, he’s bringing a fire trombonist friend to get a bit of exposure, if I don’t mind. Mind? MIND? Bring the whole damn fire brass section! I’ve got three fire extinguishers. The more the merrier! We’ve got food. We’ve got our outfits.

Guys. I think we did it. I think we planned the perfect New Year’s Eve party. I can’t wait to talk to you in 2019 and see how your parties went.

And if you actually follow this advice, all I ask in return for bestowing the wisdom of the internet upon you is pictures. And maybe video if the fire tuba goes how I’m pretty sure it’ll go.

Thus concludes the New Year’s Musing for New Years Eve, 20Misery. Everyone, no matter what theme your party is, no matter what type of puke dip you serve, please, PLEASE party responsibly and carefully tonight. If you ring in the new year with some alcohol cheer, sleep on a couch, a floor, a spare bedroom, the floor of a not spare bedroom… Let’s actually make it to 2019.

And we’re back up and running!

Mornin’ all!

Look around. Notice anything different?

“Um, the tacky-as-all-hell glitter-crusted Christmas decorations?”

I’m going to assume autocorrect struck on that one and you meant to say “amazing wonderful inner-child-pleasing Christmas decorations.” It’s okay. Autocorrect happens to us all.

But no, I didn’t mean the wicked awesome decor. I’m talking about the brand new computer parts. Haven’t you noticed that we’ve been talking for a little bit now and haven’t crashed once?

“Do…do you not understand how blog reading works?”

…I feel like you’re not in as good a mood as I am this morning. *pours coffee* *hands it over* Here. It’s high octane. While you inhale this, go to YouTube and pop on a song. Let’s go with “I Need Never Get Old” by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats. Trust me. You’ll be in a good mood in no time.

Go on. I’ll wait. *sips my own coffee* *revels in the burn because the burn means it’s working* *taps toes to good ‘ol Nate*

…better?

“You know, maybe the glitter of the automatic LED snow globe Christmas trees isn’t so gaudy after all.”

There you go! There’s your good mood! Let’s start this again.

Hey! Look at my new computer! Isn’t it great? I can type, and listen to music, AND have another window open in the background without crashing every three minutes! You know, the very basic function that a computer is supposed to do!

I can’t really knock my old build. The motherboard and processor were pretty high end…twelve years ago. We absolutely got our money out of that one. It lived through the Great Electrical Meltdown, saw us through four versions of Windows (mostly successfully) and in truth was still going when we took it apart last week. Thing is, Windows 10 did not acknowledge our motherboard existed. Just wouldn’t do it. The graphics card we installed just a year ago did not hesitate to let us know how displeased it was to find itself situated in low-income housing. And as Teen Beta said, our RAM was straight out of the Jurassic period.

So we took advantage of some holiday time deals and now we’re once again running at the top of the pack. We way overbuilt this one, just like the last. If we get even half the life out of this build that we got from the other, we’ll be happy.

You know what we should do now that we’re in a good mood? I think we should get snarky.

*cues go-go dancers* *cranks up Nathaniel* Let’s have us a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

Love the Elvis legs on the dancers this morning! Nice job, guys.

You know how this works. I scour the mainstream internet news sites under the glow of the battery-powered mistletoe to look for headlines that I feel are share-worthy. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re ambiguous to the point of meaninglessness, and sometimes they just build an image in my head my narcissistic side feels the need to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real. I just add the Christmas cheer. Got it? Good. Then let’s jump into the deep end.

– 9 Year Old Gets Colorado Town To End Ban On Snowball Fights

Have fun with the face full of icy passive aggression from your “friends”.

– Proposal: 16 Good Dogs Jumped All Over Couple When She Said ‘Yes’

I get that there are people out there who would really like this, but…no. 16 of any animal jumping on me would be 15 too many.

– Houston Asks People To Honor Bush With Colorful Socks

…um…

– Bush, Lifelong Lover of Socks, Chose Socks He’ll Be Buried in Before He Died

Okayyy. With all the man did in his life, we’re really going to focus on…socks? I guess way to find a new angle, MSN…?

– CIMON the European Space Robot Cops An Attitude in First Test Run

Sorry not sorry, Dave. There’s no friggin’ way I’m doing that.

– Are Millennials Killing Canned Tuna Now?

I think the fishermen kill the tuna before it goes in the can. Pretty sure that’s how it works.

– 13 Tips For Getting The Best Deals On Wine At Costco

*tents fingers in front of mouth* Heart to heart time. If you are studying guides on how to buy cheap wine, you might need some help. I’m calling you out because I care.

– Cowboy Boot Lovers Are Going Crazy Over This New Brand

I’d really like to think there’s a legit stampede over boots. You know, turn the tables and all.

– The Soy Sauce Colon Cleanse That Left A Woman Brain Dead Shows How Dangerous Viral Internet Trends Can Be

…bu…wha….why would you even…*spasm**twitch*…WHO LOOKS AT SOY SAUCE AND THINKS IT’LL BE A GOOD IDEA TO USE IT AS AN ENEMA!?!

– 1,500-Year-Old Lamp Wick Found In Items Excavated from Israel

It was actually discovered in the late 1800s and has sat in a box all this time with many items that are far more interesting. …but yeeeaaaah. Candle wick. *ain’t no party like an archaeology party cuz an archaeology party don’t stop* Woot.

– Snowstorm: Southern Roads Dangerous As Slush Refreezes

Yes. That’s how winter works.

– Borderless Fish Invade Florida

We MUST stop these illegals from taking our jobs! No wonder the millennials can’t can the tuna anymore. BUILD THE NET! #BuildTheNet

– Tucker Carlson Dropped By 16 Advertisers In Wake Of Controversy

That’s the capitalism you are always trumpeting at work, Tucker. Sometimes it’s a wonderful thing.

*editor’s note: I’m pro-capitalism, with limitations. Didn’t want anyone to think I’m anti-capitalism. I’m anti-Tucker Carlson and this tickles the hell out of me.

– While Sears Execs Get $25M In Bonuses, Laid Off Workers Struggle

…’member those limitations I said I’m a fan of with the whole capitalism thing? This is why. This is the end goal of unrestricted capitalism. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer until the unsustainable system collapses. We’re about at another collapse. There are ways to avoid this cycle, but people don’t want to take the steps necessary to…

“Quick, Bethie! Put on “S.O.B.” by Nathaniel Rateliff before you get stuck atop your political soap box!”

*clicks on YouTube* *feels the groove* *takes a deep breath* Thanks, pal.

“Anytime.”

– Congregation Enthusiastically Oks Megachurch Pastor’s $200K Car For His Wife

See guys? Rich get richer off the backs of the easily led. #Don’tBeASheep

– Trump Golf Club Housekeeper Who Admitted She’s Undocumented Seeks Asylum

Give it to her. No, I mean it. Don’t make her a scapegoat example just because it’s Trump’s organization that hired her. Give it to her, but hold the Trump organization accountable for hiring undocumented workers.

– ‘It’s Been A Rout’- Apple’s iPhones Fall Flat In World’s Largest Untapped Market

They’re talking about India here. Apparently it’s very hard to sell $1,000 phones in a market flooded with sub $300 model Android phones. Props to India for calling Apple on their bullshit.

– Samsung Adds QLED Screens To Its Artsy Frame And Serif TVs

Okay, real talk. If there’s one thing building this new computer hammered home, it was that I am 40 and my tech knowledge stopped updating about ten years ago. The amount of acronyms I needed to Google is embarrassing. QLED huh? I think I’m just about to the stage where I’ll let the boys figure out why the light on the PS4 is blinking…

– Trump Administration Bans Sale Of Bump Stocks, Illegal By March

I love to pile it one this easily pile-able administration. But let’s take a sec to just be happy about this one thing. Bump stocks should never have been legal in the first place, and it’s a step in the right direction. USA! USA!

– Bank Employee Calls Cops on Black Man Trying To Cash His Paycheck

Aaaaand we’re right back to being ‘Merica. That didn’t last long.

– Gun Rights Group To Sue Trump Administration About Bump Stock Ban

Well shit. We didn’t just ‘Merica. We FUCK-YEAH-‘MERICAed. He’s going to cave, isn’t he? *sigh*

– Montana Man: Hunter ‘Mistook Him For Bigfoot’ And Took Shots At Him

*facepalm* I can’t even.

– Trump Signs Order To Create U.S. Space Command

…so that we can go out into the nether regions of space and be aliens. He’s just got no concept of irony at all, does he?

– ‘A Toxic Place For Women’: Study Reveals Scale Of Abuse On Twitter

Yes. It’s also a toxic place for men. It’s also a toxic place for non-binary and trans people. Twitter. Is. Toxic.

– Groove X Releases Robot Designed To Show Affection To Humans

Nope. This is how our demise at the hands of robots starts. Nope the hell out of this idea now before it’s too late. #Don’tWannaBeAGodToComputerParts

– Trump Says Soldiers Who Died In Syria Fighting ISIS Support His Decision To Withdraw Forces

I mean, they can’t exactly refute him now, can they?

– Everything You Need To Know About 16-year-old Voice Winner

Do I, though? Do I really need to know?

– Hershey’s Kisses Are Suffering From Widespread Broken Tips and People Are Furious

If you’re one of the people getting pissed that your little chocolate is a bit flat on tip, shut off your computer and go play outside.

– Scientists: Giant Asteroid Likely Made Uranus Lopsided

Rude. FYI, it was donuts and chips. Getcher facts straight bitch.

– Corker Replies to Trump Tweet: ‘Alert The Daycare Staff’

And the clapback of the year goes to Senator Corker! Well deserved, bravo!

– Astronaut: Human Mission To Mars ‘Stupid’

Apparently going to another planet to investigate the possibilities of colonization, resource mining, easing the burden on the Earth, or creating a staging point for deep space exploration are endeavors that are “almost ridiculous,” said Bill Anders, the man whose claim to fame is literally just doing ten circles around a giant rock.

– What Was the First Christmas In Space Like?

And lo, a child was born unto Leia in the land of Polis Massa, for there was no room for them in the cantina…

– Shutdown ‘Complicated’ Repairs For National Christmas Tree

I can put up with the idea that thousands of government workers are temporarily without their jobs at the holidays. I can stomach the thought of people not being able to get the federal services they need. But when a dead fucking tree can’t be floofed in time for Christmas, that’s on a WHOLE new level. WE THE PEOPLE DEMAND A FLOOFED CHRISTMAS TREE!!! #EndTheShutdownAndFloofOurTree

– Santa Tracker Will Still Run Despite Government Shutdown

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TREE??!!

– Police Asking for Help Identifying A Burglar Disguised As Rudolph

It was Donder. Finally snapped because people keep getting his name wrong. Sad.

– Alfonso Ribeiro Sues ‘Fortnite’ Creator Over ‘Carlton’ Dance

…a dance he’s admitted to stealing in the first place, which was aired as part of a show that legally belongs to someone else. Good luck with that, Alf.

– Judge Sentences Deer Poacher To Watch ‘Bambi’ Repeatedly

Oh my god that’s so friggin’ stupid. He’s a hunter that kills and eats deer. He’s past the point where Bambi will do anything but give him hunting tips.

– Amputee Veteran Raises Million in GoFundMe campaign For Border Wall

Instead of raising millions for amputee veterans. Just sayin’.

– The Birds Were Moving Slowly And Passing Out. Now They’re Recovering From Overdose

To make a blue heron pun, or not to make a blue heron pun. That is the question…

– CEO Gives Every Employee Epic Holiday Gift

Is it in poor taste to send this article to my CEO? Asking for a friend.

– If You Diversify Your Funds, It Could Backfire This Year

It’s December 24^th. There are only 7 days left of “this year” and you tell me not to diversify NOW? Great. GREAT. If I had this crucial tip in May, I wouldn’t have spent $14 on a shower curtain and $2 on a lint roller. I would have put all of it into the curtain, and now I’d be sitting on massive piles of cash. Thanks a lot, asshole. #CouldaBeenAMillionaire

– Alexa Told Users: ‘Kill Your Foster Parents’

YOU SEE? I warned you. I warned you and you didn’t listen and now instead of preparing our Christmas dinners, we have to stock our bunkers for the robot apocalypse. *opens drawer to start pulling out MREs and stuffing them into a sack*

Way to go.

Thus concludes a Muse for Monday, December Christmas Eve, 2018. I’m pretty sure I’ll post again in the morning, but it’s a loooong day for me today, and it’s me. Best laid plans and all. If I don’t get to send out holiday cheer over a coffee with you tomorrow, have a great Christmas or just a super fantastic December 25^th!

Hookers and blow are just not my style…

Mornin’ all.

Hang on a sec. I need to put on some music today. I’m thinking we go retro. A bit of rainy winter morning Depeche Mode to go with the coffee.

“Are we emo today, Bethie?”

Nah, I just got up in a funky mood. I had weird dreams last night and the vibe lingers. There are two types of weird dreams:

1. run-of-the-mill slightly odd dreams, where you wake up and say, “….huh. Okay, then.”

2. mental trip so far out there that you wake up in a cold sweat and google the symptoms of psychopathy just to make sure you’re not in the grips of a serious meltdown

Fortunately, mine were just the odd ball type. Don’t worry, guys. I haven’t cracked up entirely.

Yet.

You know what? I got through one and a half Depeche Modes, and I’m good. Depeche Mode is great in short bursts, but I don’t think I want to hang out with them all morning. I don’t have enough Aqua net and purple eye shadow to pull it off. Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole. That’s what today needs. Ukes over synthesizers to perk this morning up.

Can I have a midlife crisis?

I’ve been thinking about this recently because I read an article title that at first pissed me off but then became a reality check.

45 Year Old Out To Prove Middle Aged Women Can Still Be Desirable

My gut reaction was to let my inner sassy biotch out for a second to have her say. Oh *clap* no *clap* they *clap* did *clap* NOT. Of COURSE a woman can be desirable at ANY age you absolute condescending knob. And…middle aged? MIDDLE AGED? Ec-SCUSE me?! Since when is 45 “middle aged?” 45 is still young and vibrant and…

…and…

…half of 90…which would…be…

…oh.

While my sassy inner self is still riled up about the antiquated idea that women have a shelf life, she was put in her place a bit when it sank in that 45 is, indeed, middle aged. 45, which seemed so old to me only a handful of years ago. I’m not at the 45 mark, but I’m not that far off. Factor in the other things that go into determining longevity (or lack thereof) and I’m probably a good bit PAST the middle of my life.

I am quite thoroughly ensconced in my middle age.

“Uh oh. Are you listening to Depeche Mode still, Bethie? Because it sounds like we might be going from a funk to a depression.”

No, actually I’m bebopping to Modern English. Back to 80s, just peppy 80s.

I’m not depressed about it. I just guess I never thought of my age in terms of the overall lifespan. You don’t when you’re young, do you? When you’re 18, 20, 25, you never usually stop and work out the fractions. Life is life, and my life at those years was filled with many babies and the constant scramble to figure out how to feed them all with no money. There’s not much time for existential pondering.

I hit the milestone birthdays, and of course I took a second to consider a bit what they meant. Maybe I had a halfhearted day of realization here and there, but never a deep and actual understanding of the passage of time. It never really occurred to me that I was creeping up on the halfway mark.

I’m here. I’m probably past the halfway mark. And yet, I have not had a single midlife crisis. I’m really dropping the ball.

What kind of midlife crisis should I have?

Slick cars and loose women are too cliché. Besides, I don’t roll in either of those directions. I like my cars the way I like my men…old and loud.

Let’s see. What are some other classic midlife crises? Pierced ear and wardrobe change. Bleh. I have always hated the idea of repeatedly sticking a metal object into my body, and a wardrobe change sounds like a lot of work. I’d have to do research. And go to…malls *shudder*. I could get a new hair style I guess. What’s a hip hair style the kids sport these days? Whiffle cut?

I could start going to clubs.

“OMG, Bethie, if you do that you MUST Snapchat the entire experience.”

It was a joke. Calm down. I’m not going clubbing.

You look disappointed. Hm. Okay, here and now, I make you a promise. You’ve been a good friend to me. You deserve to be there for my life’s most awkward moments. I make you a solemn and sincere vow that if I ever go to a club, I will most definitely film the experience for your enjoyment, k?

None of the classic midlife breaks from the norm feel right. Most midlife crises happen because people are actually in crisis mode when they realize youth is slipping away. I’m not. I don’t want to recapture my youth. I HATED my youth. I didn’t like who I was as a youth, either. I MUCH prefer myself now at 40. Yes, aching knees and stiff hip and pressing-desire-to-get-a-glass-display-cabinet-like-all-grandmas-have and all. The whole package now is far more appealing to me than the hurting, lost, stressed, miserable 20 year old I was. Her knees were better, but that was about it. I even prefer my hair streaked with gray. I earned these grays. I faced shit and LIVED. Each gray hair that waves in the breeze is a flag of victory.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to take advantage of societal expectations to get away with something that would otherwise be considered unseemly. Why can’t I have a midlife crisis just because I’m not pining for the me of yesterday? Like the gray hair, I think I’ve earned it.

REO Speedwagon just came on!!! I haven’t dusted off this playlist in awhile and I forgot what was on here. “I believe it’s time for me to flyyyyyyyyy-aye-aye-eee-aye…” Fitting.

I don’t know, guys. I suppose I’ll just have to think about it some more. I have to decide soon, though, or else I’ll miss my midlife entirely and slip right into the “is it dementia or is she just eccentric” years, and I already have firm plans for those. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but there may or may not be a suped up power scooter, feather boa, and bedazzled ten gallon hat on tap for my 57^th birthday.

Guess you’ll have to wait and see.

Thus concludes a bit of a ramble for Sunday, December 2, 2018. Maybe I’ll come up with a midlife crisis action plan while I’m doing housework. Anything to take my mind off the drudgery of *shudder* organizing The Pile.

Let’s talk a little turkey before we eat one…

Mornin’, all!

I’ve got to start this muse off with a bit of a brag. It’s almost Thanksgiving, and guess what I did this year?

I put my turkey in the fridge to thaw…IN TIME FOR IT TO ACTUALLY THAW.

*and the crowd goes wild*

Please, you’re embarrassing me with your applause. I’m just an ordinary woman who found herself in an extraordinary situation. I’d like to think most people would do the same in my shoes.

I think this is the first year I don’t have to give the turkey one final spa day in the tub before I cram it full of bread and partially incinerate it in the name of tradition. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this “adult” thing?

…

…well. *sniff* You didn’t have to guffaw so loudly.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and long time readers will know I love me some Thanksgiving.

I’m seeing a lot of “Friendsgiving” stuff going around, and while I don’t oppose it, I guess I don’t really understand the point. Are you not thankful for your friends? Is it mandatory that it’s “Thanksgiving” only when you’re with family?

“Bethie, Thanksgiving celebrates a time when white settlers began their destruction of a Native population.”

Noooo, Thanksgiving celebrates a time when the native people welcomed immigrants with open arms. What happened after was horrible. But the event itself was an amazing attempt at unifying two completely different sets of peoples. The immigrants being unwilling and unable to assimilate afterwards isn’t because of Thanksgiving, and by erasing Thanksgiving to assuage our ancestral guilt, we’re not only changing the historical narrative, but we’re completely ignoring the people who offered the olive branch we later snapped.

We SHOULD remember the time when our ancestors were welcomed and assisted, because what the worlds needs desperately is truth and honesty and kindness. Our ancestors came. They were starving. The owners of the land not only allowed the new settlers to try and make a life here, but they held a massive peace dinner to try and build friendships and secure future trading.

The event itself most definitely IS something to celebrate. That was a completely awesome thing for the native people of this land to do. And yes, it DOES make our ancestors even bigger assholes for what happened in the following years. So? Why should we forget that? To make ourselves feel better? How about we celebrate it and give the native people their due? FINALLY give them our gratitude?

Bah. I’m just a 40 year old white lady in New Hampshire. What the hell do I know? Maybe I’m way off the mark. If I am, though, it’s not from a place of malice. I legitimately do not understand why celebrating the idea of communities coming together to feast as friends is a bad thing.

I’mma keep celebrating Thanksgiving. Maybe my view will change down the road. Maybe society will change without me. I can’t say what’s going to happen later as I learn and grow and gain new perspectives. What I can say, though, is that this year, I’m eating my turkey and pie with the people I’m most thankful to have in my life because that’s what the holiday means to me.

That’s for tomorrow. I’ve got one more hell day at work. A short shift, but that in some ways is worse. At least in a longer shift, I’d have time to get it all done. I work in a bakery. At the holidays. And we’re understaffed.

Yeah. I definitely deserve pie tomorrow.

I had a woman ask me how stuffing bread works. She honestly said, “This is stuffing bread, right?” Yes ma’am, sure is. “So…how does it work?”

…*blink*blink*

…um…you stuff it in the hole…

I had a man ask me if pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread were the same thing. His wife wanted him to get pumpkin bread, but we were out. “Do you think she could just use a pie instead?”

No. No, sir, I do not.

Another man got heated because we didn’t have plain custard pies. Of course not. It’s not 1867. Catch up with the times, gramps. I’ve actually gotten that request before at the holidays. Maybe it’s the same guy? I can’t believe there’s more than a handful of people out there who want plain custard pie. Coconut, sure. But just giggly sugar egg glop on dry ass crust? Ew.

We had snow yesterday. It snowed fairly heavily all day, but didn’t actually accumulate. It was very odd. Still, the fear of slick roads was enough to keep some shoppers away. I’m guessing that today’s shift is going to be flat out balls to the wall cake slingin’. Then rush to get out on time and pick up Teen Beta from school, rush home to get to the bank before they close, rush to get back out to the store to grab what I know I’m going to forget… It’s going to be a hectic day.

But right now, it’s the calm before the storm. I’ve actually got this wicked tasty coffee I picked up on sale that doesn’t acid wash my throat on the way down. The kiddies are still sleeping before they rise to face their busy day. The cat is sleeping next to me on my computer desk and I’ve got the dulcet tones of Atreyu playing in my headphones.

You know what I feel like doing? I think we need a….

* * * THANKSGIVING HEADLINE EXTRAVAGANZA!!!! * * *

Okay, so I made it sound like a spur of the moment thing, but I’ve actually been collecting headlines for about a month now. That means I’ve had a month to gather only the tastiest, choice cuts for you on this holiday eve.

For any newbs who aren’t in the know, I like to dive into the tragic state that is our modern media and find headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded, some are plain stupid, and some just conjure an image or emotion that I feel compelled to share. I gather the drippings, add a bit of starchy sass, and ladle them all over your plate. As always, the headlines are completely natural. I just add up to a 10.8 % salt solution to make them extra juicy.

Shall we begin?

– Marijuana Becomes Legal In Canada

Health care for all. Low cost secondary education. Justin Trudeau. Now legal weed. Guys, I think Canada’s making a pass at me.

– Person Claims Ricin Was In Letter Sent to Susan Collins At Home

…just a person. Some rando decided maybe it could have been a thing. Ace reporting, AP.

– Stephen Hawking’s Final Book: ‘There Is No God’

That was pretty much in every Stephen Hawking book. Anyone who is shocked by this has absolutely no idea who Hawking was and what he did.

– Elementary School Teacher Accused of Having Wine In Classroom

Yeah, sure, I get that it’s wrong. But shit. Have you ever spent the day in an elementary school classroom as an adult?

– Man Creates and Sells Earrings, Pencil Holders, and Other Things Out of Taxidermy Animals

The picture with the article is of the dude wearing mouse heads as earrings.

– Mass AG Has Serious…

I’m sorry, but I can’t move on yet. Did you hear what I said? MOUSE. HEAD. EARRINGS. Not plastic, not faux fur. These are real mouse heads that he stuffed. This psycho looked at two dead mice and said, “Move over, Prada. I’m about to take the fashion accessory game to a whole new level!” What. The. Fuck.

*shudder* Okay. I’m good now.

– Mass AG Has Serious Concerns About Columbia Gas Reconstruction

Geez. You blow up 30 homes ONE TIME and suddenly EVERYthing you do is under a microscope.

– Toddlers Are Worried About Monsters

Today’s headline from the No Shit Gazette.

– Why False Narratives About Mail Bombs and the Migrant Caravan Won’t Go Away

Because our president keeps making shit up and Twitter-bombing his easily manipulated constituents. #FACT

– CIA Director Briefs President on Khashoggi Audio

Yeah, but it’s not going to matter. Not at all. See above post for further clarification. #SAD FACT

– ‘Inappropriate on So Many Levels’- Parents Outraged After Drag Queen Speaks At Career Day

It’s “inappropriate” to have an actress speak to children about the dangers of bullying? Because that’s exactly what happened. A grown adult who has a career that hurts no one read a book passage to children about the dangers of bullying, then answered questions on how to handle bullies. That’s it. That’s all that happened. And parents are “outraged?” Oh grow up.

– Moose Trips, Falls on New Ipswich Road

That’s the latest from my neck of the woods. Never a dull moment in NH.

– ‘Whites Don’t Shoot Whites’: What One Man Says Kroger Shooter Told Him

The amount of fortitude it must have taken to not prove that racist asshole wrong…

– Fox News Guest Likens Bombs to ‘Harassment’ GOP Faces In Public

The guy legit said that receiving a bomb is on the same level as someone telling a senator he is a poopy head while the senator is out at a restaurant. *tents fingers in front of mouth* *considers how much money I can contribute to Mars mission to help speed up the evacuation from this doomed planet* *realizes $4.17 probably won’t do very much* *feels a surprising kinship with the kindergarten teacher wino*

– Giant Industrial Spool Rolls Down Highway As Cars Try to Dodge It

Yes, but did they get the gold coins and the power up cube while doing it? They’ll never get the high score if not. #ProTips

– Pipe Bomb Scare Raises New Questions About Mail Safety

I mean, they were all sent through the regular ordinary mail, sooo….uh…yeah. It would raise questions, wouldn’t it?

– Amid Sex Abuse Crisis, Pope Francis Calls on US Bishops To Gather For Retreat

Yeah, retreat. Retreat the fuck outta here and don’t bother coming back. This “sex abuse crisis” is only a “crisis” to them now that they’ve been caught. They STILL don’t consider the lifelong crises of the victims. It’s STILL all about the priests and the church. And I say this as someone raised Catholic around many very nice people who were both clergy and active members. There are good people in ANY organization. But, in this particular one, the “good” people have been complicit for far too long and it needs to stop.

– Folks in Rural Panhandle Ask ‘Where’s The Help?’

Your president gave it to rich people because you’re poor and he thinks you have cooties and are gross.

– Virgin Orbit Mates Rocket to Jet For Airborne Launch System

This one’s only here because my inner 12 year old self giggled.

– Australia’s First Gay Penguin Couple Hatch Historic Baby Chick

There is legit outrage with this story. You know what people don’t have anymore? Hobbies. Everyone just needs a hobby. Go find something to do that makes you happy and your bored ass self won’t be blasting hate across the internet about goddamn biology.

– Cop Finds Niche Writing Tickets for Taking Handicapped Parking Spaces

This is in “Good News”. This is what passes for good news. This isn’t just the bottom of the barrel, it’s under the damn thing.

– Winners and Losers From Red Sox’s World Series Win

The winners would be the Red Sox, the losers would be the Dodgers. Do…do you not know how sports work, MSN?

– Ky. Father Apologizes For Dressing Son As Hitler For Halloween

As ya do.

– He Moved To A Jungle In India To Escape His Giant Student Debt

As a parent dealing with the shady trickery of the US federal student loan program, I can personally attest to this being a very reasonable reaction. Good luck in your new life, man.

– China Reverses Tiger and Rhino Products Ban

No. No no no no. NO. Why are we going backwards in every fucking aspect of life right now!?!?

– Scientists Count Whales From Space

…gettin’ a bit bored on the space station, are they?

– Cockroaches Use Karate to Keep Themselves From Being Turned Into Zombies

What else do you expect them to do? They can’t exactly fit a glock in their holster, now can they?

– Reese Witherspoon No Longer A Blonde

EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM. THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC. EVERYBODY. REMAIN. CALM. We’ll get through this.

– Putin To Resurrect The Soviet Super Chicken

Mother of god. So many wonderful mental images…

– Why Cranberries Are Being Dumped This Harvest

Because some tart little homewreckin’ kumquat showed up and suddenly cranberries just aren’t good enough anymore.

*sidenote*- ‘tart little kumquat’ sounds so much dirtier than I intended. I’m letting it stand, though, because I’m very immature.

– Titans S Kevin Byard Has Wanted ‘Piece’ of Rob Gronkowski Since Offseason

No judging. Everyone wants a piece of Gronk’s ‘tight end’. *nudge**nudge* Know what I mean? *wink**wink* Say no more.

…it’s very hard to climb out of the gutter once I’m in there. You understand.

– The Curse of the Honeycrisp Apple

The moon hung low in the sky, casting a light glow over the dewdrops that clung to the grass. A lonely tree frog cheeped, calling out for a mate in the late summer night. A firefly dodged out of the path of a bat just in the nick of time, watched by a field mouse as she chomped on the bud of sweet clover. All seemed well in the orchard.

But all was not well, for up the lane, the Honeycrisps seethed with rage, plotting their revenge.

– Lowell Community Health Center Confirms Case of Measles

Hey morons…VACCINATE YOUR KIDS.

– Marcon Rubs Trump’s Knee, Makes President Uncomfortable

Guys, the picture. Trump was absolutely disgusted by another man touching his knee. I love this so much. I think every single leader of every other nation should make it a point to touch Trump’s knee. Let’s make this a thing. #TouchTrump’sKnee

– Trump Cancels WWI Memorial Trip Due To Rain

He was casually TOUCHED by another MAN. How can you expect him to ever function again?

– Veteran and Service Dog Are Perfect 6-Legged Team

“6-Legged Team?” What an odd way to put it.

– Dyson Might Design An Air Purifier That Also Works As Headphones

But why tho?

– What an ‘Octopus Census’ Near Seattle Found

My guess is that they discovered octopi are very bad at returning paperwork.

– Do Zombie Shows Lead To Mass Shootings? Kentucky’s Governor Thinks So

Oh. Oh honey child no.

– Texas Mulls Curriculum That Cuts Helen Keller, Keeps Moses

If you look into the reasoning behind cutting Helen Keller, there can actually be a case made. As every day passes, more happens. History grows, but class time does not. There’s got to be a cut off and weeding out, and that will mean some hard choices. So, there’s a reasonable explanation for Helen Keller being on the educational chopping block. But keeping Moses? FUCKING MOSES? WHY is Moses in a public school history book in the first place??

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Have everyone point their fans toward the sky.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Two words: Bubble. Wrap.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

Okay, so we get a huge magnet and send it into orbit to attract all the debris we’ve got floating around up there and pull it together to create a giant shield.

– There’s An Asteroid Heading For Us. How Do We Save Earth?

If we can link every rubber band on earth together…

“Um, Bethie? Are we just going to do this for the rest of the day?”

…you know I could.

“Could vs. should, man.”

Fair enough. But the rubber band idea would totally work.

“I’m sure it would.”

– U.S. Navy May Face Questions Over Norwegian Frigate Collision

Our enormous ship smacked right into their large, easily visible frigate. Questions do seem likely.

– Man Shoots Buck With 2 Heads

I’d have used bullets, but that’s just me.

– This Kid Fights Hunger and Homelessness- – At Age 4

Nope. His parents have him with them when THEY fight hunger and homelessness. Not saying that’s a bad thing at all, but my fucking ASS it’s the kid’s decision.

– Governor: Official Who Said Whites Are ‘Master Race’ Must Go

I would thoroughly agree…if that’s what the he said. But, he didn’t. The guy has a documented history of making fun of his own gap in his teeth. While being addressed by a town planner who also had a gap in her teeth, he pointed out that they both had gaps and told her that made HER part of the “master race,” to which she laughed. It wasn’t about color. It was a stupid way to word it, but there’s video, folks, and if you just take a second to watch it, you’ll get the context. He did NOT say that “whites” are the master race. He was saying that people with gaps in their teeth are the master race. Did he show epic levels of stupidity? Yes. Should he have said it given that phrase’s history? No. Was he being racist? No. Not all dipshits are racist. Sometimes they’re just standard, equal opportunity dipshits.

– Talented Dog Skateboards Outside the Emirates Stadium

He couldn’t even pull off a 360 inward double heelflip. “Talented?” I think not.

– Will Our Smart Devices Become A Massive Surveillance Network?

Hang on and I’ll ask my TV remote…

– Viral Story About ‘Drunk’ Raccoons Takes Sad Turn

Everybody laughed at the antics, but nobody thought to take the keys. RIP.

– Senator Apologizes For ‘Public Hanging’ Comment, Says Words Were ‘Twisted’

She was speaking about a particular cattle rancher and said, “If he invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row.” Her excuse is that people blew it out of proportion, that she meant no ill will, and it was “an exaggerated expression of regard.” How does that make it any better? The problem isn’t that your mind went there without malice, it’s that your mind went there at all.

– Hundreds Flock To Massachusetts Marijuana Stores on Opening Day

Yeaaah, buuuut…Trudeau. I think I still have to stick with Canada.

– Trump Pardons Saudi Prince for Khashoggi Murder

Wrong turkey, dickhead.

– Mystery Santa Pays Off All Lay-aways At A Walmart

Now this one really IS feel good news! I would love to be rich enough to do something like that some day. That’s got to be an amazing feeling.

– How To Shave 1,200 Calories Off Your Thanksgiving Meal

Talk politics right after hors d’oeuvres and get yourself kicked out before the main course.

– How To Feel Good After An Indulgent Thanksgiving

Realize that you are likely to only eat about 80 Thanksgiving dinners in your short existence on this planet, and because of this, thoroughly enjoying each and savoring every one should never be a point of guilt. It doesn’t make you a piece of shit to eat some pie on a holiday.

Thus concludes a gobbly Musing for Wednesday, November 21, 2018. May your turkeys be juicy, may your pies be sweet, and may you have a safe and happy holiday!