If you snooze, you Cruz…

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Mornin’ all.

So my cat decided I was a pin cushion in the night. I honestly don’t know what the hell. My first thought was, “Did Timmy fall down that goddamn well again? Because I swear, if that little asshole didn’t learn to stay away from abandoned wells by now…”

But then I woke up enough to realize that the world around me was in color, I don’t even have a Timmy, and cats are just dicks.

She looked at me with big owl eyes. I looked at her with eyes that could not have been so cute and inviting. She blinked. I refused to blink back, the ultimate snub in the world of cats. She slowly withdrew her paw and tiptoed out of my room.

There was nothing amiss when I got up. She didn’t even have a toilet paper shredding party she wanted to show me. I think she was just bored and wanted to wake someone up. There are four children in this house…why you gotta pick ME?

Speaking of children…

My heart is in a state of melancholy today. I had the Santa talk with the Little Pup last night.

Oh shit. Hang on. Uh…spoiler alert. If you still hold on to the magical belief in a gift-bearing chimney sweep and his mystical flying cervine, then perhaps you should skip the next few paragraphs. I’m not judging you at all and there will be no weirdness between us when you return. Just look for the * and you’ll know to pick up where this leaves off…

For everyone else: We were sitting on the couch trying to fold construction paper circles into sixths to make snowflakes (top tip: dollar store construction paper folds like shit. I mean, in hindsight, that should probably go without saying, huh?) and he said, “Hey, do you believe in Santa, Mum?”

Every parent who’s perpetuated a nine year con knows the icy panic of this moment. The instant sweat on their brow, their minds making the cartoon “hummina hummina hummina,” the struggle to think of what to say. When Teen Prime was not so teen-like and approached me with the same general idea, I had days of anxiety after wondering if I handled things properly.

However, Little Pup is the fourth kid I’ve crushed with the truth, so I’ve got it down pat. I said, “Do YOU believe in Santa?” Because if your child still believes, and you’re like, “Shit no! Santa? Why the hell would I believe in THAT?” well, then, you are an asshole and you better start a collection jar for your child’s future therapy. No, you have to feel the kid out. Each kid is different. Some kids need to hold on to Santa just one more year, ya know? And some kids are ready, and need to know that you’re not going to lie when they point-blank you a question.

Little Pup clearly didn’t believe. He had that look in his eye when he said, “Well, I want to believe in Santa. Some of my friends don’t. And you did have all those fuzzy dice on your Amazon watch list.”

…yeah, okay. My bad. A couple years back he asked Santa for fuzzy dice. You know, the kind that dangle from rear view mirrors in bad 70s movies. Why? Who knows? He’s a little boy. You can’t try to apply logic or reason. Anyway, Santa found an incredible deal on a CASE of fuzzy dice. Apparently, Santa forgot that little snoops look over shoulders, and that Amazon does a real shitty job of helping you hide secrets. THANKS Amazon.

I gave him my practiced spiel, how parents perpetuate the Santa legend to teach kids the spirit of giving and to help the holiday feel magic yada yada. He took it very well. I mean, guys, he’s 9. And he’s got older brothers. I made sure to tell him that he now knows a big secret, and to never tell any little kids that Santa isn’t real. He seemed to like that part of it, that he’s now “in on it”.

I’m not so sure I took it so well. Maybe I’m the one who wanted him to have just one more year. Gah. Best get this back on solid footing. Things are starting to feel sad. Let’s get the believers back in here and change the subject.

*Spoliers over* *c’mon back*

Say, how about this zany election cycle, huh?

“*turns back around to walk off*”

Oh, now wait a second! Don’t leave again. I won’t dwell on it, I just have a theory.

I think Donald Trump is actually working for the Ted Cruz campaign.

NO! Listen. Who the hell is Ted friggin’ Cruz? Aside from a muppet with perpetual RSF (Resting Sad Face), I mean. No one knows. Here’s this guy who’s not a genius, but he’s not a total moron, either. He’s as middle of the road as the Republican party can seem to get these days. He doesn’t have great policy ideas, but he certainly seems fairly malleable. He’s not a good choice to the public, but he’s not the worst. He’s a former Canadian citizen, for god’s sake! Talk about friendly, eh?

“Uh, Bethie? The birthers are okay with this?”

YES BECAUSE HE’S REPUBLICAN. And it’s Canada, not Hawaii, so. You know.

Besides, who else have they got?

Bush can’t win. He can’t. His last name is Bush. Fiorina won’t win because she has ABF (active bitch face) and the stick is up her ass, not jutting out front, erect for freedom. Christie? Pfft. Nope. Huckabee? Are you friggin’ kidding me with that shit?

The Republicans needed a candidate, one that could actually win.

“But Trump can win, Bethie.”

No. No he can’t. He has high poll numbers, because the pollsters in his pockets are careful about who they poll. If you take a poll of 1,000 known Trump supporters, then you can accurately say that 1,000 of the people polled support Trump. Numbers are very easy. You show ’em a good time, and they’ll put out. Anyone can work numbers.

Working numbers does not equate to reality, though. Trump will not win. He just won’t. People like watching because he’s a one man show. He’s entertainment. Orange, ignorant entertainment. He makes awesome sound bytes and gives plenty of water cooler fodder. That’s being popular, sure, but in the same way that your drunk uncle who stuck his head up the turkey’s ass at Thanksgiving is popular. Everyone talks about him, but no one’s writing him into their will anytime soon.

Trump is America’s drunk uncle. If he is on a ticket next year squaring off against Bernie or Hillary, the democrats WILL win. He’s fun to watch, he makes good tv, but when you’re looking at the ballot and imagining him in the oval office, your hand will honestly slap the shit out of your own face before it’ll let you check mark Trump’s name.

The Republicans don’t want another Democrat in office, no matter who that Democrat might be. They want to take back the white house, and they can’t do that with Trump.

Which they know. Which they’ve ALWAYS known.

Ah, but they CAN use Trump to get a different Republican in that coveted seat. They can use him to make a malleable candidate look enticing to the American public. Let’s conspirize for a few minutes, shall we?

What if Trump has been a patsy all along?

What if the Republicans were like, “Look, Donny Baby. You like money. You like the Republicans. You have no concept of personal shame and we at the Republican party respect that. We’ve got a proposition for you, a way you can help us all. We NEED a Republican in office next term, but so far, the pool of hopefuls looks pathetic. We need you to pretend to run. Get out there. Ham it up. We’ve been laying the groundwork for years, telling people how much better life in this great nation will be if we get a Republican in office. They’re whipped up and scared. The hard part’s already done. What we need from YOU is to go out there and play on it. Throw around a few catch phrases. Dig into those raw and terrified emotions. Keep them hungry for a Republican while we weed out the field. Then, when we’ve got the candidate we think can actually win, we’ll give you the signal to kick it up. Start going off. Say things, outrageous things, mind-blowingly racist things that’ll make our guy look like a fucking beacon of hope in this god forsaken race. We’ll make it worth your while. You want bigger tax breaks? Done. You want permission to build your next casino on protected marsh lands? Fuck the marshes! No one likes herons anyway! Child labor laws getting in your way? Schmild shmlabor shmlaws is what I say!”

I think we have to believe this theory. I think this must be the truth. How else would Ted Whatshisname be skyrocketing in the polls? A no name. A sad no name. A guy who looks like he’d be far more comfortable with a binkie and a blankie than a microphone and a podium. THAT is the man who is leading the Republican race.

Guys, I’m not big on conspiracy theories. It’s not that I don’t believe them, it’s that honestly, I generally just don’t care. We live in a world filled with nosy, sneaky, devious humans. Duh. Plots and ploys and control and subterfuge have been happening since the dawn of time. If you don’t accept that about our species, then you’ve got some serious self-denial going on. At the end of the day, if I’ve had some food, had some fun, and had some snuggles with the ones I love, I’m good. If I had all that and was still sitting here with a tin foil hat on and my guts in a jiggle about the thought of conspiracies happening all around me, then I’M the one with the problem, right?

But sometimes, you take a little step back and look at the big picture and can’t help but see the truth. And the truth here is…

Illuminati.

Clearly that’s the only explanation for Donald Friggin’ Trump and Ted Sad-Canadian Cruz being the two biggest names in our current election cycle. That is some next level crazy and only people with endless money and boredom can make that happen.

Thus concludes your conspiracy for the day for Tuesday, December 15, 2015. You know what I would love to have happen? I would love it if I got one of those polling calls from the Republican party today. That would prove my theory quite nicely. Ah, but now I’ve put them in a bind, haven’t I? What are you going to do, Republican Illuminati? The ball’s in your court.

And so the brief experiment with nudism ended in the House of Bethie…

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Mornin’ all.

Do you hear that? Do you know what that is?!

*author’s note: We at the Musing seriously hope you cannot, in fact, hear anything that’s going on here at HQ. That would be creepy. Don’t stalk me.*

I’ll give you a few clues. We can turn this into a game. Ready?

1. It had to be delivered on a freight truck.

2. It has lights and plays music.

…come on, man. You have to guess or it’s no fun.

Need more clues?

3. It’s got a glass window so you don’t miss a minute of the action.

4. It comes with a 10 year drive warranty.

…okay, I’m too excited to let you keep spitting out guesses, though Whirlitzer was a good one. It’s my new….WASHING MACHINE!!! Finally after nearly a month without one, my washer finally, FINALLY got here.

And it’s got lights. It makes music when you turn it on and off. It’s got a shiny knob that you can turn to tons of custom settings, and buttons you can push to select myriad combinations of tweaks for ultimate laundering control. You all know how much I like knobs and buttons and control.

It can steam. It can sanitize. It can fit not one, but TWO comforters in its huge drum. But wait…there’s more! It’s also…SELF-CLEANING!!!

…which, admittedly, seems a bit odd since we’re talking about a machine whose sole purpose is to fill with water and soap every single time it gets used, thus cleaning itself on a regular basis… But whatever! It’s a FEATURE. You KNOW how I love FEATURES.

Perhaps one of the coolest things is the glass top. You can watch the whole wash process play out. Hours of free entertainment for me, not only in watching the jeans take a spin around the dance floor with the towels, but also in watching my cat freak the hell out.

She used to love to sit on the plain, boring old washer. She hopped up on top of the shiny, new washer to do the same. But now, she can see things moving below. Now things are clearly out to get her. And I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a cat jump so high as she did when the water started to spray.

Hilarious.

I threw another load in this morning when I got up because my tablet died last night and I needed to hear the gentle song of a friendly, compliant piece of machinery to take the sting left by yet another mutinous robot. It sang me a welcoming, soothing tune as I loaded it, then trilled another “Aye aye, Cap’n” shanty when I hit start. It complied, and that brought me comfort. I really think we’ve got something special, washer and I.

Maybe I should name it?

“Maybe you should get more sleep, Bethie.”

You might be on to something there. This week my brain has been in turbo mode, but not during the day when such modes are useful. Nope, I’ve had a week solid of waking up around 1 a.m. with Brain saying, “You know what I just thought of, guys?”

Of COURSE instead of ignoring Brain, Eyes popped open every single time because they are weak and easily influenced. As soon as Brain had a captive audience, Brain would start to put us back in uncomfortable situations of the past. “Remember this?” Brain would ask.

Heart, not one to miss out on the action, would say, “Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. What did I do? That’s right! I remember!” Then Heart would start beating rapidly, reliving the moment of panic Brain dredged up from the past.

Hip would start to complain about Muscles getting tense. Back joined the fray. “What? What is the meaning of this? Are we cramping, then? Shit. I didn’t get the memo. Let me catch up.”

Having an active imagination is a wonderful thing. Having a good memory is also great. However, put the two together and you will often find yourself reliving a terrifying moment in minute detail, no matter if your logical side knows for a FACT that you are far away from that time and place and safely tucked in your bed.

True story.

Last night’s trip down memory pain was a pocket of turbulence we experienced on the flight home from Oregon. Now, let me make something clear. I wasn’t scared at the time. I had no fear at all of the plane crashing. I had not only statistics, but science on my side. I understand turbulence, I knew it would right in just a few minutes. I honestly, hand to the cosmos was NOT scared. In that moment, I was just getting the barf bag ready for the little one who did not handle air travel well. I was hot and tired and cranky and emotional from the visit, but I wasn’t scared.

Not then.

Guess it just took a few months to catch up with me. I woke up last night in a flat out, balls to the wall panic, convinced that my bed was crashing. I could see the “H” shaped crack in my ceiling, so familiar and ordinarily, oddly comforting. I could hear my man snore. I knew- I KNEW- I was at home in my bed and that nothing at all was going to crash. And yet, Brain convinced Heart we were on a plane.

Seriously, Brain. WTF.

And of course, after I calmed myself down, Eyes stayed wide open. Yet again. “Oh man, wasn’t that fun?” they blinked as they darted around the room, still full of adrenalin.

“Hey, if you think that’s great, then I’ve got another one for ya,” Brain offered, in spite of my best efforts to get Brain under control. “Remember that time Body was seven and careening down the hill on her Huffy and she hit loose gravel?”

“Boy, do I!” Eyes said eagerly. “Are we going to think about that now?”

“Over and over and over.”

“Yippee!”

…okay. I definitely think you’re right about the sleep. Ah well. I’ve already started my laundry and had a cup of caffeinated rot gut. I’m awake. It’s happening. Hey, at least you only have to put up with me for a bit. My kids have to deal with me like this all day.

ALL DAY.

Heh. Good luck with that, boys.

I was looking through the news. Many stories got me riled up, because some people are stupid and continue to want to do stupid things even after it’s been pointed out how stupid they are being. Ted Cruz, presidential pipe dreamer, is angry that the New York Times figured out he bought thousands of his own books to fudge sales figures and refused to put him on the best sellers list. *snort* Hey, Cruz, you got busted. Handle it like a man.

Not to be outdone in the shameless category, Oompa Loompa Tribble-head…er…I mean, Donald Trump doubled down on his anti-Mexican stance. S’okay. Every time he opens his stupid, flapping drool machine, he guarantees a vote for anyone but him. Still, it’s hard to listen to.

South Carolina removed the Flag of Hate. And that’s what it is. It’s NOT just decor. It was a battle flag, a symbol carried by folks who were willing to MURDER anyone who would no longer allow them to OWN PEOPLE. So good on you, SC. Friggin’ took you long enough. Don’t even look at user comments on any of those articles. It will turn your stomach.

So there were many firestorm stories in the news this week, especially in the political arena. But one story was fairly innocuous. It didn’t get me riled up, but yet, oddly worked the crowd into a frenzy anyway. I thought this would be the perfect article to introduce you to some of…

*** YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS!!! ***

That’s right, another installment of a segment that will introduce you to real people and their thoughts. Most major news sites have a “user comments” section, a place where the people who live and work next to you can let their crazy fly. I’ll give you a recap of the story, then I will let you read for yourself the 100% real comments the story moved folks to submit. I have not changed a thing about the comments, not even grammatical errors. Trust me, leaving them in is far more painful for me than you. Let’s dive in!

This week, President Obama granted three sections of national park land National Monument status. The areas, Berryessa Snow Mountain in California, Waco Mammoth in Texas, and Basin and Range in Nevada, have officially been set aside as National Monuments instead of being simply parks or forests. Already part of the national park system, the upping in status offers these rare and natural environments a greater level of protection. The move will ensure that there cannot be any development, the land cannot be used for private means, and no one can put a damn pipeline of any sort right through the fossils and cave art. In short, it’s a great way to preserve three ancient, natural wonders.

Sounds good, right? I mean, it was already federally owned and protected land. A hard working group of conservationists just told Obama, “Hey, uh, someone’s going muddin’ through Snow Mountain and killing off the diverse wildlife there…could we just have you say officially that they can’t destroy the place?” And Obama said, “Sure. Where do you want me to sign?” That seems to me to be a no-brainer. He’s certainly not the first president to do it. Even Bush set aside land as a National Monument, because even a BUSH knows the value in protecting our shrinking wildlife. It’s good to protect our natural treasures and it’s part of the job of being president.

But…INTERNET. Here are some of the reactions of the Average Joe. While reading this, keep in mind that one or more of these folks might just sit a few cubicles down from you at work.

– “He protected, you mean he stole, just ask the states he took them from, most were in Nevada, with dirty Harry Reid, and his in vestments.”

Uh, no, actually. The land was already National Park land, most of it being declared as such by Teddy Roosevelt…just a wee bit before Obama’s time.

– “Stealing land from the states. Government at its worst.”

Hang on. Did no one read the article? The land already belonged to the government. Nothing was stolen.

– “More theft from the DICKtator!”

Oh for heaven’s sake! First off, no theft. Second, that’s not NEARLY as clever as you think.

– “66% of the land in Idaho is owned by the federal government.”

Cool story, bro. Aaaand what does it have to do with anything?

– “The dumb ass, thinks he’s god, think he can create something, lord strike this fool down, and free us from his tyranny”

Did…did you think that Obama is saying he literally MADE these natural sites? Holy shit.

– “Great, now Obama’s gone from self-proclaimed King to the Creator!”

…whoa. One person thinking that way was bad enough, but two?!

– “I am beginning to think I am reading Star Magazine or the Enquirer…”

Honey, you and me both.

-“…it’s a diversionary tactic.”

Well that took a turn I wasn’t expecting.

– “His latest BM?”

This is really starting to get off the rails.

– “Obama could take a crap on the White House lawn and his Llama would exclaim, “He passed a masterpiece !!”

Now THAT’S a llama I want to meet.

– “What about ‘The Killing Fields’ in Chicago?”

Hm. Probably didn’t meet the standard criteria.

– “OVAMIT THE DARK===ASSIGN TO THE SATANIC DARKNESS OF A DEMON”

Dammit, who let Kevin out? Kevin, get back in the asylum and take your meds.

– “Of course it’s much easier to spend money on monuments than to solve burning national problems and to pay attention to those who really need state’s support.”

But doesn’t the president have more than one responsibility? He kind of has a multi-faceted job.

– “Obama didn’t do that, someone else made that happen.”

Thank you! Reasonableness. No, he really didn’t spend his valuable time on it. He simply approved what the experts advised.

– “Dam sure won’t be some murdering cowardice statues from confederate era”

And I guess the internet had enough calm reasonableness. Didn’t last long, did it?

– “Actually, this is less a ‘grab’ as it is opening a corridor where there are no Park Police or Park Rangers. It makes it easier for illegals to get in through New Mexico.”

Wait. What?

– “This is another crime against the Constitution perpetrated by the executive branch, from which the court is specifically suposed to protect the states and their citizens from. It fallows niether the spirite nor intent of the law, it mearly enables more criminal ailians, with the desired intent to distroy America and the american low and middle class economic opertunities while grabing more of our resources th sell to the Chinese.”

Now, I’m not so sure, because right around “spirite”, everything started to fall apart, but I think this user was agreeing with the above poster about “ailians” and dragged China somehow into the fray…? Everybody get that same vibe?

– “Is this just Obama creating a safe corridor for the drug cartels who donate to Obama by untraceable prepaid credit cards?”

Actually, you put a lot of thought into that conspiracy theory. I didn’t see the twist end detail with the prepaid cards. Points for creativity.

– “Its just Obama promoting the Federal Government Uber Alles. He is indifferent to the drug cartels. I don’t know that the drug smuggler consider donations to the democrat party a sound investment. It is clear that Communist China does though.”

I’m beginning to sense a theme…

– “This could also be another region that Obama signed away to China”

You really don’t know what National Monuments are, do you? It’s okay to admit it. You’re safe here.

– “With as much radiation and plutonium there is in that ground, I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to grab it for tactical reasons, but taking into consideration that the government is and always has been the main source for illegals and drugs, I would say there is some dark deeds being prepared for this land.”

Holy shit, you’re right! Better get that tin foil hat ready. STAT.

– “MORE PROOF that Obama and the Socialist Party are not even the least bit concerned about the security of this nation.”

*sigh* I feel like I’ve got to point out once again that all Obama did was add another layer of environmental protection to land that was already part of the national park system. There will still be rangers. There will still be local cops.

– “Illegal corridor for the democratic voter block.”

Dammit, I misplaced my crazy-talk codex. Can anyone decipher that for me?

– “Waiting for the American Taliban to load up their trucks with guns and ammo and head from Nevada down to New Mexico to play soldier…if they don’t shoot each other first.”

Buddy, this says WAY more about you than it does Obama.

– “why HAs no one ever sued the feds under americans with disabilities act to allow disabled people mechanical means to enjoy the wilderness areas we have now. If you dont ride a horse or not young enough to WALK YOU ARE S.O.L.”

Look, I’m sorry you’re disabled, but you can’t put an elevator on a mountain. To do so would ruin the mountain. If you can’t afford an off road wheelchair, then there are just some things you won’t be able to do. There are some things I am not able to do. There are some things EVERYONE is not able to do, and you can’t sue for that. It’s just the way things are.

– “This story just went nation wide on the internet. If our government doesn’t know that. We are in sad shape for security. But the truth is not many people who have been attached to Obama are open to answering questions.”

….riiight. Uh, okay?

– “Gotta be 473 Cons listening in. How do I know? No action. No substance. Just, listening.”

I think this may have been an attempt at a haiku? Maybe?

– “CONS, don’t get too angry. After all, they will be renting out Hillary as a mule to ride for the kiddies.”

Yeah, I got nuthin’.

Thus concludes a scary look at the folks around you for Saturday, July 11, 2015. My washer just sang me the song of its people. I take it that means it’s done with my laundry? Either that or it was just lulling me into a sense of peaceful distraction earlier so it could summon the start of the uprising. Damn Obama.

Let the circus begin!

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Mornin’ all.

I done went and got myself kitty trapped this morning.

Anyone with a cat knows the kitty trap. They give you that blinky-love look, roll over, purr, and offer their belly for you to rub. As soon as your fingers make contact with the fur, Kitty’s demeanor changes and her four paws close in on you with laser precision.

You know, kitties would be very effective bear traps.

“If you knew this was going to happen, Bethie, then why did you fall for it?”

Like every other cat owner in history, I’ll be damned if I know. She looked all soft and cute and cuddly wuddly. And in the morning, she usually *is* soft and cute and cuddly wuddly. See, this was no spur of the moment kitty mischief. This was a long term plan. Months of leg brushes and morning nose bumps and face purrs lulled me into a false sense of affection.

I use my scratched up hand to tip my hat to you, kitty. You win this round.

So there’s a shit ton of bad in the news this week, isn’t there? What a mess we’re in, America. People can blame the current administration. Or the one before. Or keep “the one before”ing ad nauseum. The truth is, our issues go back for a really long time. They’ve only actually seemed to come to a head because everyone can see them, thanks to the wonderful world of the internet.

For the first era in human history, I can sit here in my ratty old chair in backwards NH and take a peek at the rest of the world while sipping my horrible coffee and nursing my ragged flesh back to health. This tiny blip on the world’s timeline has made it possible for me to actually see for myself what’s happening in other places without having to rely on second and third hand accounts with their second and third hand slants. And with the great new tool, it’s become impossible for folks to deny certain societal truths that have been swept under the carpet for so long.

We’ve got problems, folks. Big ones. And the ONLY truly “American” way to handle it is to admit them and try to fix them.

Sweeping problems under the rug is not “patriotic”, it’s “idiotic”.

Did you get that? Let’s put that on a t-shirt, because not enough people realize that simple truth. When there’s a protest, THAT is American. When people gather to voice their concern, THAT was the founding fathers’ plan for us. It is NOT American to just shut up and take it.

“Well now that I’m thoroughly depressed and more than a little paranoid, what can we do about it?”

Realize the problems exist. Admit the problems are real. Actively work to fix the problems.

It’s been so long since we’ve actually *tried* folks. And the first step is ridiculously easy. We need to change who is in charge, and choose the next person who’ll keep those folks in line.

With that in mind, I think we should really start looking ahead to who might be the next governmental babysitter. Many have already thrown their hats in the ring, and I sent one of my reporters to give them each a brief interview so we can begin to know our candidates.

*author’s note: I don’t actually have reporters. And the photos were taken from various news sites, selected to highlight the most presidential looks of the candidates. I didn’t take them, just copied and pasted. I’m fairly certain that goes without saying. Also, the interviews didn’t really happen. I think I have to say that, even though this is about to clearly turn satirical, just to cover my own ass. Once again, the interviews below are what I imagine the candidates would say in answer to my questions. Not a single campaign has approved any of the messages.*

Jeb Bush

bush2

Party: Republican

Stands for: “Being a Bush.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Come on. Bush.”

Likes: “Vote Bush.”

Dislikes: “I SAID VOTE BUSH.”

If elected, I guarantee: “Another Bush will be in office. BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH.”

Ben Carson

carson

Party: Republican

Stands for: “Being smarter than anyone else.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Peons. All of you peons.”

Likes: “Being right, which means I’m happy one hundred percent of the time. I’m sure it’s a concept you can’t understand. Because you’re dumb.”

Dislikes: “Let’s not drag this torture out. I have no desire to humiliate you with my superior intellect. You just need to understand that I am vastly superior in every way, and trust that I am the correct candidate.”

If elected, I guarantee: “A person with an IQ as high as mine doesn’t need to make promises. Can we just stop now? I feel as if I’m speaking to a brick wall.”

Lincoln Chafee

chafee

Party: Democrat

Stands for: “I was the Governor of Rhode Island.”

Ain’t got no time for: “People who’ve never heard of Rhode Island, only the best island in the country!”

Likes: “What do you mean Rhode Island isn’t an island? It’s called Rhode ISLAND.”

Dislikes: “Janice? Janice! This interview person just told me that Rhode Island isn’t an island.”

If elected, I guarantee: “…oh…oh my God. It’s…not and island? Then it was all lies? *audible sniff on the tape recorder* Oh, no! How can this be? Years, wasted! What…what have I done with my life?”

*Editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to issue a sincere apology to Mr. Chafee’s family and promise to respect their privacy as they deal with this life-shattering news. It was never our intention to break a presidential candidate.

Hillary Clinton

clinton

Party: Democrat

Stands for: “I’ve been in the game a long time, and if you don’t know this shit by now, you’re not very good at your job, are you?”

Ain’t got no time for: “Jokes about my age, my wrinkles, my saggy tits and un-lypoed ass. I’ve been too busy working for you to try to keep up with the Kardashians. Sue me.”

Likes: “Rights. All kinds of them. I’m a freakin’ equality rainbow.”

Dislikes: “Blowie jokes about the oval office. Honestly, people, grow the hell up.”

If elected, I guarantee: “That I’ll install a camera under the oval office desk if that’s what it takes to get you immature jackasses to let it go already and get down to work.”

Ted Cruz

cruz

Party: Republican

Stands for: “Equality for all people who are male, Christian, straight, wealthy, and love guns.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Anyone who does not fit into that bracket.”

Likes: “Er, hang on. I’ve just been told that if I only support Christian white males who are already God-fearing citizens with guns, I’ll only get a handful of votes. I don’t know that this is correct. Maybe we could table these kinds of questions until I get with my people and review the latest polls?”

Dislikes: “Oh, this one’s easy. No fact checking needed. I hate it when people ask me if I can introduce them to Tom Cruise. I mean, seriously? It’s not even spelled the same!”

If elected, I guarantee: “I’ll have my people get in touch with you once we figure out which platform is going to work the best. K, thnx.”

Carly Fiorina

WASHINGTON, DC - DECEMBER 18:  Carly Fiorina, former CEO of the Hewlett-Packard Company, speaks at the Heritage Foundation December 18, 2014 in Washington, DC. Fiorina joined a panel discussion on the topic of "And Now for a Congressional Growth Agenda".  (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

Party: Republican

Stands for: “…hours in these heels! Let’s see a MAN do THAT!”

Ain’t got no time for: “Soft, jelly men who pretend to run this country.”

Likes: “Cigars and cognac. What? What’s that look for? OH, you think only MEN can enjoy things like a good cigar and an aged cognac? That’s what’s wrong with this country. You’re dick-whipped. Every last goddammed one of ya.”

Dislikes: “Abortions. If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than wimpy ass men it’s women who think they’ve got any right to say what happens to their bodies. And while we’re at it, no marrying other ladies, either. That shit’s weird. I say what happens to your bodies and who you love, got it? *snap* I have spoken.”

If elected, I guarantee: “To take the ‘dick’ out of “president”. Heh. See what I did there?”

Lindsey Graham
graham

Party: Republican

Stands for: “The proud heritage of the Dixie South.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Politically correct mumbo jumbo that ass kisser Lincoln started.”

Likes: “The swell of pride I feel when I stand in my stark white suit and salute the real Southern flag.”

Dislikes: “Lincoln. Anything to do with Lincoln. Pennies, in particular, are a symbol of oppression and control to my people.”

If elected, I guarantee: “To erase the abomination that was the sixteenth president from the history books and once again raise the true south.”

Mike Huckabee

huckabee

Party: Republican

Stands for: “THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. WHY DON’T YOU??”

Ain’t got no time for: “ABORTIONS, GAYS, SOCIAL PROGRAMS, CRACKHEAD WELFARE BITCHES, SLUTTY HOS, CORPORATE TAXES THAT MAKE THE SUFFERING BUSINESSMAN SUFFER, DINNER THAT AIN’T ON THE TABLE AT 5:00, THEM PORNO-GRAPHICS OF THE DEVIL, EVOLUTION IDEAS PLANTED IN THE MINDS THROUGH THE EVIL FORCES OF THOSE SATAN BOXES…”

*Editor’s note: In the interview transcripts, the reporter cited a break at this point where Mr. Huckabee was taken off stage for a half hour by his PR director and another unnamed man with a medical badge. When he returned, he was no longer shouting and his demeanor was far less aggressive. We at the Muse feel these facts are important to understand the key points Mr. Huckabee was trying to make.

Likes: “Long walks on the beach with my wife, whom I love and adore and forgive even if the towels are hanging slightly askew. Puppies are good. Squiffy widdle kitties are even better. I mean, is there anything better than a fluffy wuffy kitty kitty poo poo when you’re sad? Gobble gooble I could just eat them up!”

Dislikes: “Oh, you know me. I get along with almost everyone! Love and sunshine for all. Boy, was John Lennon right or what? Is he here? John? Oh, Johnny…where’d ya go my brotha from anotha mutha? Come jam with me.”

If elected, I guarantee: “Boy, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just lay on the White House lawn together and look up at the clouds for awhile? Can we do that, Doc? I’mma good boy ‘an took the happy juice. Can I get a kitty and lay on the lawn now like you promised?

Martin O’Malley

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley takes a picture with his smartphone camera at photographers as he awaits the arrival of U.S. President Barack Obama to speak at Ellicott Dredges in Baltimore, Maryland May 17, 2013.   REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque   (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS BUSINESS)

Party: Democrat

Stands for: “Social justice. Down here in Maryland, we like everything and everyone to be equal.”

Ain’t got no time for: “People who think there are problems with my fine state.”

Likes: “This great state of mine! I’m the governor, you know. Of Maryland. Which is a state. A whole state, not just one city. A state. Keep that in mind.”

Dislikes: “Social injustice. It grinds my gears to think that anywhere in Maryland could be considered less than one hundred percent tolerant of all peoples and races.”

If elected, I guarantee: “…I see the way you’re looking at me. You’re accusing me of having something to do with Baltimore, aren’t you? THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!”

George Pataki

pataki

Party: “Republican. Honestly.”

Stands for: “Abortion rights, gun control, tax exemptions for businesses who use clean energy, tax incentives for private consumers who use clean energy, better charter school options for a quality education for all. You know. Classic Republican standpoints.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Those smelly Democrats. Yuck. Right guys?”

Likes: “Clean air, fair treatment of men and women, social justice, equality, lower tax…uh…I mean…God Bless America! Whoo-wah! Git ‘er…done? That’s what y- we say in the Republican party, isn’t it?”

Dislikes: “Liberal socialist hippies. P-yew. Who let THOSE freaks in here?”

If elected, I guarantee: “I’m totally a Republican. Sure.”

Rand Paul

U.S. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) speaks at a session titled "The Changing Politics of Foreign Policy" during the Wall Street Journal's CEO Council meeting in Washington December 2,  2014. Paul is considered a potential Republican presidential candidate in 2016.  REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque  (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS BUSINESS) - RTR4GFZE

Party: Republican

Stands for: “Financial independence from the status quo.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Taxes. Cut all taxes for everyone, rich and poor alike. No governmental spending on anything at all because cops and judges and postal workers and clerks and ambulance drivers and teachers will all work for free.”

Likes: “America.”

Dislikes: “Anyone who is not America.”

If elected, I guarantee: “To cut spending to zero, to let you keep all your money so you can use it to arm yourself when we close the borders to all foreigners. You know, as God intended. Don’t kill babies. Terrorists are bad. Teachers are good. Uh…did I miss any talking points there? No? I’m good, then. Run with that.”

Rick Perry

perry

Party: “Hell yeah!…Oh, wait, I misspoke.”

Stands for: “Guns ‘n bitches!… Oh, sorry. I misspoke again. That should say ‘nuns in britches.’…still wrong? My PR gal is saying that’s still wrong. You know what I meant.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Poor people. Hang on a sec. The little PR lady is waving at me and…what? Oh. Heh. Looks like I misspoke again. Did you get those cue cards in the wrong order, Carl? *gulp* Getting hot in here. Did you see my new glasses? I got glasses. I think they tell you how serious I am.”

Likes: “America. Freedom. A free America that’s free from Musl…*glrublpfffph*…*tap**tap*…on? Hello? That good? Okay, I’m back. Sorry, the little PR cutie just said my mic cut out for a minute there.”

Dislikes: “Blacks. Oh, hell. I just cannot talk today, can I? Silly me, I misspoke. I meant to say that I don’t like corduroy pants. I hate that ffft ffft sound they make when you walk. I mean, who doesn’t, right? That hot piece of PR ass is motioning for us to wrap this up.”

If elected, I guarantee: That I will proudly stand for some of the citizens and lead us to ultimate victory against those job-stealing Chi….*scramble scramble static*

Marco Rubio

rubio

Party: Republican

Stands for: “Men. Real men, too. None of this wimpy nerd shit. NOT ON MY WATCH.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Women’s rights.”

Likes: “You know, man stuff. I guess babies are okay, too, as long as they’re boy babies.”

Dislikes: “Sniveling women and their stupid girlie problems.”

If elected, I guarantee: “That I will build a boys-only fort at the White House for guys to hang out in. Wouldn’t that be so cool? No girlz allowed!”

Bernie Sanders

sanders

Party: Democrat

Stands for: “Farms, more food, better health care for the masses.”

Ain’t got no time for: “Cow tippers. Those little shits cause so much damage. Give the punks something productive to do instead of knocking over helpless cows.”

Likes: “Maple syrup.”

Dislikes: “So called ‘pancake syrup’ that contains less than two percent of natural maple syrup, and 98 percent artificial flavors. How these ne’er do wells can get away with calling themselves ‘syrup’ is beyond me. Don’t EVEN get me started on Log Cabin. Just…don’t.”

If elected, I guarantee: “Only REAL maple syrup will be allowed to show a maple leaf on the package. I’m looking at YOU, Aunt Jemima!”

Rick Santorum

santorum

Stands for: “America in all her fine Americanness.”

Ain’t got time for: “Screwing with a perfect system.”

Likes: “Bleeding red, white, and blue, bitches.”

Dislikes: “Mucking up America with progress.”

If elected, I guarantee: “Rise and sing the anthem with me.”
*Editor’s note: At this point in the interview transcript, the reporter makes note that she tried several times to actually get a real answer from Mr. Santorum, without success. In her words, “He just kept singing right over my questions, and when I persisted, he just sang louder, and shuffled sideways out of the room.”  

Donald Trump

trump

Party: “You will call me The Donald.”

Stands for: “I refuse to answer your questions until you call me The Donald.”

Ain’t got no time for: “…”

Likes: “…”

Dislikes: “…”

*Editor’s note: The reporter’s transcript indicates that at this point, she conceded, as it was clear the interview would not proceed if she didn’t. We at the Muse feel that this in no way compromises our investigative integrity.*

If elected, I guarantee: “To be the best president in the history of presidents. No, wait. Put that I’ll be the biggest and best. Oh! I got it. I’ll be the biggest, bestest, most God-like candidate the world has ever seen. Okay, scratch that all, and just tell people I AM GOD NOW. Oooh. Look at my arm. Look at it. Chills.”

Your candidates, folks.

Thus concludes an introduction to your presidential candidates for Saturday, June 20, 2015. I guess the real take away is that there is still plenty of time for someone else to step up and run. Someone. ANYONE. PLEASE.