Why are you looking at me like you have a secret plan?

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Mornin’ all.

Smug kitty is sitting on top of my computer tower right now looking smug.

She got out last night. In a flash of black and speckled fur, she zipped through the legs of my youngest as he was coming in from a sword fight (LARPing has claimed yet another little geek) and took off under a small, latched fence that’s overgrown with vines and brambles.

After a lot of searching, she was found safely taunting us behind the glass window of Neighbor’s garage. She somehow found a way inside and thought us looking for her was highly amusing. We had to battle to get into the garage through more vines and more bramble, and then even MORE after I scruffed and lectured her and tried to get back out. Apparently Neighbor doesn’t use the garage.

Once inside, she knew she was in deep shit. She’s only gotten out a handful of times. Usually she’s panicked upon her return to the safe indoors and tends to be in defense mode. Not wanting her to lash out at the kids, or wanting them to give her positive reinforcement for her shenanigans, I instructed the boys to shun her. That’s when she knew what she did wasn’t funny.

Naughty kitty.

She got out as we were closing up shop for the evening, so once I got the littlest calmed down and washed up and reassured him again that it wasn’t his fault, we headed to bed. As soon as I sat down, she came meowling into the room looking sad and pathetic and apologetic. She hopped up onto my lap, pressed her face to my cheek, meowed again, and then curled up and started purring. How can you shun THAT? Dirty pool, kitty.

After I read for awhile, I clicked out the light and got comfy. She curled up at my feet. All was happy and well.

…until she decided to play the “So, you think you can actually move your feet around without consequence, do you?” game. My ankles are all scratched to hell this morning and she’s looking very proud of herself.

*gag* Ew! *spit**pleh*

“Coffee that bad today?”

No, actually. Teen Prime got it all set up for me and for once the coffee isn’t peeling the skin from the roof of my mouth. That’s not what’s gross. We ordered some car parts from a different supplier. It was our first time ordering through them, and they sent us a “first time buyer care package” that included some stickers and a little can of Jelly Belly jelly beans! Really cool. As any Jelly Belly eater knows, the beans are all kind of funky flavors and I just accidentally tasted mango.

MANGO.

“Uh, Bethie? Why are you eating jelly beans at 6:30 in the morning?”

Because I have scratched ankles from the cat and scratched arms from the brambles and the coffee’s sorta weak, if you want to know the truth, and the jelly beans were riiiight over there and they were calling to me and…

DON’T JUDGE ME.

I ate a banana, too. Like a real banana. That’s healthy. So the jelly beans were breakfast dessert.

No, wait! It was a super early brunch. You can eat anything you want as long as you call it “brunch,” right?

“I don’t think brunches have jelly beans.”

Hey, I don’t tell you not to slug down champagne mimosas and pretend it’s totally normal to get shitfaced by ten a.m. at YOUR brunch, do I?

“…on second thought, maybe I will put a bowl of jelly beans out at my next brunch. Seems so bright and festive!”

Exactly.

What should we talk about this morning? Oh, I know! The first republican debate was on last night.

“Boo.”

Not into politics this morning? Hm. Okay, then. I read this fascinating op. ed/sorta research piece on Queen Elizabeth I that hypothesized that she was…

“*hiss*”

…did you just HISS at me?

“That’s how strongly I feel about not sitting through your boring recap of a boring subject.”

BORING!!?? QE I was only one of THE most riveting and polarizing…

“…*dramatic snore*…*dramatic snore*…”

*grits teeth* Fine. What do YOU want to talk about today?

“Something fun. Something entertaining. Hey, maybe you could cue the go-go dancers and strike up the band…”

Hold the phone. Are you…are YOU instructing MY staff?!

“Well SOMEone has to make life interesting around here!”

…but…

…I…

*blink**blink*

Girls…get to go-going I suppose…? Let’s do the intro for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

…but don’t think you can do this all the time. I mean it! No more hijacking my Muse for your own purposes. And wipe that smug look off your face! I’ve dealt with enough smug, furry little creatures today!

“*salutes* Yes, ma’am!”

*defeated sigh*

Okay, so I guess we’re having ourselves a roundup whether I like it or not. I’ll be your amusement lackey and scour the internet news sites for headlines that are odd, misleading, poorly worded, or just strike my fancy. I’ll present them to you, uncut, unedited, and unfiltered, then share my reactions afterwards. Shall we begin?

…*whistles*…*picks lint off sweatshirt*…*taps fingers on desk*…

“Oh. You’re waiting for my permission?”

I mean, you did kinda take over…

“I know you’re being sarcastic, but I’m going to pretend I am in charge anyway. *clap clap* Begin!”

– This Software Checks if You’re Busy Before Interrupting You

OMG. PROTOCOL DROIDS ARE NOW REAL!?!

*C3PO fist bump*

– Why the Fugate Family Has Blue Skin

I’m not sure, but they should probably do their best to avoid Gargamel.

*Smurf fist smurf*

– Teen Subway Employees Thwart Would-be Robber By Ignoring Him

He had the weapon. He covered his beard with a plastic bag so no one would recognize him (no shit, he totally did that). He practiced his scary voice for hours in front of the mirror. The one thing he couldn’t prepare for, though, was the modern American teenager’s ability to ignore the world around them.

– Theater Attacker May Have Planned Explosion

After a couple weeks off, the No Shit Gazette is back in full swing.

– Top 10 Moments from Last Night’s Debate

Can we really…

“HEY! I said NO politics! Nice try, bucko. Move it along.”

*sigh*

– German Man Sets Record for Longest Birthday Ever

Uh, not sure how time works in Germany, but aren’t birthdays kind of capped at 24 hours?

– Neighbors Furious as Pilot Parks Cessna at Home

“I just bought my kid a Honda, and this asshole comes along and gives HIS family a damn plane. How in the hell am I supposed to compete with THAT??”

– A Mysteriously Disappearing Waterfall in Minnesota

Uh…aren’t they experiencing a drought right now? Do they not know what a “drought” is? Someone give Minnesota a dictionary.

– It’s Time to Start Liking Tom Cruise Again

You’re not the boss of me. I don’t hafta like him if I don’t wanna. He’s not my REAL dad. *sniff*

– What’s Really the Best Type of Yoga for You?

I’m personally a fan of “imaginary yoga”. Does imaginary wonders for my imagined health!

– Bus Carrying Special Needs Gets Stuck in Bronx Sinkhole

Now, if this was the age of my childhood, I’d insert a “short bus” joke here. As it is *not* the age of my childhood, and times have changed, I suppose I’ll just go with a brief quip on the Bronx so as not to stir up controversy. Hey, Bronx! What’s with the huge pot holes?

See? Political correctness can be funny, too. *crickets**crickets*

– Not All Netflix Workers Will Get ‘Unlimited Parental Leave’

Oh, so this is another benefit that only actual parents can use, eh? First “maternity leave” now this?! Pfft. SO unfair.

– As Temperatures Rise, Hikers Embrace a Grueling Ascent

Or, you know, they could wait for a cooler day. I mean, no one’s forcing them to be an idiot and climb a mountain in the “grueling” heat.

– Some Who Fled California Wildfires Find Their Home Destroyed

You mean THAT’S what fires do?

– NYPD Uses Clip of Man High on PCP to Illustrate Dangers of Synthetic Weed

Not unlike the time I taught my boys the dangers of misusing their pocket knives by showing them pictures of lepers. I tell you what, those boys are NEVER going to misuse their knives in Kalaupapa!

– Did Slavery Cause the Civil War? Many Americans Don’t Think So, Poll Shows

Fuckin’-A, people. Every state that seceded cited the new ban on slave owning as the main reason for secession. I don’t know what’s ambiguous there. Each and every state that submitted a letter of secession to the government did so because they were furious that outsiders were telling them they could no longer own people. End. Of. Debate.

– Psych Firm that Screens Baltimore Cops Under Review

Yeah, that’s prolly’ a good idea.

– US Teens Tune Into Online Friendships

OMG. Next you’ll be telling me that the young people also like to wear dungarees and eat those pizza pies!

– OKC Teacher Accused of Intoxication on Campus

Um, you’re probably not going to want to do body shots at the frat house if you’re a teacher. Seems like a bad career choice to me.

– Cape Cod Sharks: Scientist, Great Whites Continue to Patrol Coast for Data and Seals

How are the sharks ever supposed to finish their investigation of the seasonal migratory shift of harbor and short-eared seals in relation to the recent temperature fluctuations of coastal waters if the scientists keep devouring the seals in question? Friggin’ savages.

– Ancient Galaxy is Most Distant Ever Found

Fasle. Ancient Galaxy is Most Distant Ever OBSERVED BY HUMANS. If you’re going to try and report on legitimate science, then tighten it up, Space.com.

– NASA Totally Found an Alien Crab on Mars and Didn’t Tell Anybody

Like, legit. For realsies.

– Black Hat Researchers Hack Rifle For Fun

…you don’t get out much, do you, Black Hats?

– Meet the Man Struck By Lightning 7 Times

I’ll meet him, but I hope he’s not offended if I opt out of the hand-shaking…

– Bookstore Refunds Customers who Bought ‘Go Set A Watchman

Ugh. I hate every part of this. No funny comment, because insulting an author when you are supposed to be the first line of SUPPORT is not an amusing matter. I just couldn’t *not* share.

– Miss Piggy and Kermit Break Up Ahead of New Show

NOOOOO!!!! *sniff* Why are they consciously uncoupling muppets?! Piggy and Kermit 4LYFE!!!

– Child Camping In Yosemite National Park Contracts Plague

You might want to leave that tidbit out of the travel brochure…

– Alaska Woman in Good Condition After Bear Mauling

A bear was mauled, and of course the liberal press chooses to focus on the woman. Uh, feminazi much? #bearsmattertoo

– Warming Climate Leaves Alaskans with Fewer Walruses to Hunt

Is that really a negative? Really?

– Bikini Nuclear Refugees Seek US Aid to Leave Marshall Island

…too soon for a “that bikini was da bomb” joke? …Uh…let’s just forget I said that, k?

– Whale Lost in Buenos Aires Nears Ocean

How do you know it was lost? Maybe it was just on vacation. Why you gotta assume the worst, AP?

– Floyd Mayweather Takes a Jab at Ronda Rousey

Not the first lady he’s taken a jab at.

*drops mic*

*slides on sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, August 7, 2015. I really needed a laugh today. Thanks for letting me giggle for a bit, even if you did kinda force me into it.

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I know what I *won’t* be having for dinner tonight…

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Mornin’ all.

I was a brave mum yesterday. The eldest teenager (we’ll call him Teen Prime) decided that the electronic gadgets and games he’d acquired through the past few birthdays and Christmases were old news. Can’t blame him. He’d played most of the games through at least twice. He said, “Say, would you feel like taking me up to Game Stop real quick so I can trade a few things in?”

Ah, I just heard it: The collective groan of sympathy from other mums of gamers…and the knowing “mmm-hmms” from gamers who’ve been there. For those not in either group, let me explain: One does not simply walk into a Game Stop. There is no such thing in the gaming lexicon as a “real quick” trip to a gaming store when trading is involved.

Knowing this, but trying to be awesome anyway, I said, “Sure. Why not?”

Those three little words set into motion a veritable tornado of teenage activity. The others hopped into action and the games piled high on the table. I was imagining a couple games, maybe the system they didn’t really play anymore. It certainly wasn’t presented to me as An Ordeal. And yet, as the bags filled and the excitement amongst the herd grew, An Ordeal is exactly what it became.

I let myself get suckered, folks. In fairness to Teen Prime, I had an idea of what I was in for. In fairness to me, though, I didn’t realize that they were going to scour every corner of the house to scrape up every possible trade dollar.

I’ll say this…Game Stop does a fair trade if you’re a club member. The teens walked in there with old games and a PlayStation 3, and walked out with a PS4, extra controller, two games, and three Wii games for the youngest cub. Not shabby. It only took about an hour, which in fairness to the clerk was far less time than I expected.

And now I am awesome.

…or was. I mean, they’re teenagers, right? Who knows how long that’ll last? I got them a watermelon, too, so maybe that bought me a little extra time high up on the list.

Speaking of lists, I have a lot on my “to do” today, but I just read an article while I was drinking my morning joe and since I nearly spat the coffee across my screen, I figured there was something juicy to sink our teeth into* before jumping into chores.

* You’re going to hate me for saying that. Just wait….

I was reading my FB feed and a friend posted a link to what has to be one of the most epically WTF articles ever written. How’s your stomach this morning? Are you rock solid?

“Yeah, I’m feeling fine.”

Best grab a bottle of Tums to have on hand just in case.

“Bethie, it can’t possibly be that bad.”

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A man in Wyoming was stopped for a routine traffic violation. The cop noticed he smelled a little boozy, so he asked the dude to step out for a field sobriety test. The man got out, stood there while the cop asked him questions, and pretended not to see the eyeballs falling out of the leg of his pants.

Read that sentence again.

THERE WERE EYEBALLS FALLING OUT OF HIS PANTS.

Here’s the deal. Mr. Roy Tilbott works for a meat packing plant. Roy likes himself some bovine eyeball soup. However, the packing plant does not sell eyeballs, nor does it allow the employees to take the scraps home for personal use.

Clearly Roy was backed into a corner. They practically forced him to smuggle eyeballs. There was no other option. Not wanting to get caught by his bosses and fired, he figured the best way to get those tasty, juicy eyeballs out of there was to shove them up his ass.

Now, the ass has been used to smuggle many a’thing. Drugs. Weapons. The odd light bulb. But in all of those instances, NO ONE WAS GOING TO FUCKING EAT WHAT WAS SHAT OUT!!!

Guys, he didn’t even wrap them. He just took the freshly de-skulled eyeballs and pushed them up his butt. While at work chopping your steaks and grinding your hamburger.

So there he was, with THIRTY eyeballs crammed up his ass, and just his luck, a cop pulls over his El Camino. Of *course* he drives an El Camino, because he just wasn’t creepy enough with the ass eye soup fetish. He gets pulled over, stands there with the cop, and was scared of being caught smuggling. Folks, you know what Nature makes people do when they’re scared…he shit his pants. Only instead of shit, out came his dinner.

You know.

EYEBALLS.

I can’t help but wonder just what was going through the cop’s head when goddamn eyeballs started dropping out of Roy’s pants and rolling on the ground. That poor, poor cop.

This wasn’t a one time deal, either. Roy has smuggled “several thousand” eyeballs during his employment with the meat plant. Along with absolutely no taste, Roy seems to also have no shame. He gladly shared the details with the press. “I enjoy eating bovine eyeballs and smuggling them out in my colon was the only way I knew how to get them out without potentially getting caught and fired. I put them in soups. They’re beneficial for erectile dysfunction, which I currently battle, but I also just like the texture and taste.”

He says it like it’s so reasonable. Roy, no. If you’re reading this, NO. Just….no.

The cops have no idea what to charge him with RE: the eyeballs. They consulted with the meat packing plant*…

*doesn’t that term just take on a new meaning now?

…to see if they want to charge Roy with theft. He also had in his possession a few large, professional quality knives that the cops aren’t sure if Roy stole. And Roy was drunk at the time of the stop, so there’s a nice DUI for him. I guess in light of the rest of the crimes, eyeballs up the ass is actually the lesser offense.

So what’s going on in Wyoming? Oh, not much. Just a drunk, knife-wielding, limp-dicked El Camino driver shoving eyeballs up his ass to shit out later for his dinner.

Same old.

Thus concludes the most disgusting Musing ever for Saturday, July 25, 2015. It’s Saturday. It’s the weekend! And maybe your life isn’t going the best at the moment. But hopefully, after reading this, you’ll at least be able to thank your lucky stars you never ate dinner at the Tilbotts. Always find the silver lining in life.