And so the brief experiment with nudism ended in the House of Bethie…

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Mornin’ all.

Do you hear that? Do you know what that is?!

*author’s note: We at the Musing seriously hope you cannot, in fact, hear anything that’s going on here at HQ. That would be creepy. Don’t stalk me.*

I’ll give you a few clues. We can turn this into a game. Ready?

1. It had to be delivered on a freight truck.

2. It has lights and plays music.

…come on, man. You have to guess or it’s no fun.

Need more clues?

3. It’s got a glass window so you don’t miss a minute of the action.

4. It comes with a 10 year drive warranty.

…okay, I’m too excited to let you keep spitting out guesses, though Whirlitzer was a good one. It’s my new….WASHING MACHINE!!! Finally after nearly a month without one, my washer finally, FINALLY got here.

And it’s got lights. It makes music when you turn it on and off. It’s got a shiny knob that you can turn to tons of custom settings, and buttons you can push to select myriad combinations of tweaks for ultimate laundering control. You all know how much I like knobs and buttons and control.

It can steam. It can sanitize. It can fit not one, but TWO comforters in its huge drum. But wait…there’s more! It’s also…SELF-CLEANING!!!

…which, admittedly, seems a bit odd since we’re talking about a machine whose sole purpose is to fill with water and soap every single time it gets used, thus cleaning itself on a regular basis… But whatever! It’s a FEATURE. You KNOW how I love FEATURES.

Perhaps one of the coolest things is the glass top. You can watch the whole wash process play out. Hours of free entertainment for me, not only in watching the jeans take a spin around the dance floor with the towels, but also in watching my cat freak the hell out.

She used to love to sit on the plain, boring old washer. She hopped up on top of the shiny, new washer to do the same. But now, she can see things moving below. Now things are clearly out to get her. And I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a cat jump so high as she did when the water started to spray.

Hilarious.

I threw another load in this morning when I got up because my tablet died last night and I needed to hear the gentle song of a friendly, compliant piece of machinery to take the sting left by yet another mutinous robot. It sang me a welcoming, soothing tune as I loaded it, then trilled another “Aye aye, Cap’n” shanty when I hit start. It complied, and that brought me comfort. I really think we’ve got something special, washer and I.

Maybe I should name it?

“Maybe you should get more sleep, Bethie.”

You might be on to something there. This week my brain has been in turbo mode, but not during the day when such modes are useful. Nope, I’ve had a week solid of waking up around 1 a.m. with Brain saying, “You know what I just thought of, guys?”

Of COURSE instead of ignoring Brain, Eyes popped open every single time because they are weak and easily influenced. As soon as Brain had a captive audience, Brain would start to put us back in uncomfortable situations of the past. “Remember this?” Brain would ask.

Heart, not one to miss out on the action, would say, “Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. What did I do? That’s right! I remember!” Then Heart would start beating rapidly, reliving the moment of panic Brain dredged up from the past.

Hip would start to complain about Muscles getting tense. Back joined the fray. “What? What is the meaning of this? Are we cramping, then? Shit. I didn’t get the memo. Let me catch up.”

Having an active imagination is a wonderful thing. Having a good memory is also great. However, put the two together and you will often find yourself reliving a terrifying moment in minute detail, no matter if your logical side knows for a FACT that you are far away from that time and place and safely tucked in your bed.

True story.

Last night’s trip down memory pain was a pocket of turbulence we experienced on the flight home from Oregon. Now, let me make something clear. I wasn’t scared at the time. I had no fear at all of the plane crashing. I had not only statistics, but science on my side. I understand turbulence, I knew it would right in just a few minutes. I honestly, hand to the cosmos was NOT scared. In that moment, I was just getting the barf bag ready for the little one who did not handle air travel well. I was hot and tired and cranky and emotional from the visit, but I wasn’t scared.

Not then.

Guess it just took a few months to catch up with me. I woke up last night in a flat out, balls to the wall panic, convinced that my bed was crashing. I could see the “H” shaped crack in my ceiling, so familiar and ordinarily, oddly comforting. I could hear my man snore. I knew- I KNEW- I was at home in my bed and that nothing at all was going to crash. And yet, Brain convinced Heart we were on a plane.

Seriously, Brain. WTF.

And of course, after I calmed myself down, Eyes stayed wide open. Yet again. “Oh man, wasn’t that fun?” they blinked as they darted around the room, still full of adrenalin.

“Hey, if you think that’s great, then I’ve got another one for ya,” Brain offered, in spite of my best efforts to get Brain under control. “Remember that time Body was seven and careening down the hill on her Huffy and she hit loose gravel?”

“Boy, do I!” Eyes said eagerly. “Are we going to think about that now?”

“Over and over and over.”

“Yippee!”

…okay. I definitely think you’re right about the sleep. Ah well. I’ve already started my laundry and had a cup of caffeinated rot gut. I’m awake. It’s happening. Hey, at least you only have to put up with me for a bit. My kids have to deal with me like this all day.

ALL DAY.

Heh. Good luck with that, boys.

I was looking through the news. Many stories got me riled up, because some people are stupid and continue to want to do stupid things even after it’s been pointed out how stupid they are being. Ted Cruz, presidential pipe dreamer, is angry that the New York Times figured out he bought thousands of his own books to fudge sales figures and refused to put him on the best sellers list. *snort* Hey, Cruz, you got busted. Handle it like a man.

Not to be outdone in the shameless category, Oompa Loompa Tribble-head…er…I mean, Donald Trump doubled down on his anti-Mexican stance. S’okay. Every time he opens his stupid, flapping drool machine, he guarantees a vote for anyone but him. Still, it’s hard to listen to.

South Carolina removed the Flag of Hate. And that’s what it is. It’s NOT just decor. It was a battle flag, a symbol carried by folks who were willing to MURDER anyone who would no longer allow them to OWN PEOPLE. So good on you, SC. Friggin’ took you long enough. Don’t even look at user comments on any of those articles. It will turn your stomach.

So there were many firestorm stories in the news this week, especially in the political arena. But one story was fairly innocuous. It didn’t get me riled up, but yet, oddly worked the crowd into a frenzy anyway. I thought this would be the perfect article to introduce you to some of…

*** YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS!!! ***

That’s right, another installment of a segment that will introduce you to real people and their thoughts. Most major news sites have a “user comments” section, a place where the people who live and work next to you can let their crazy fly. I’ll give you a recap of the story, then I will let you read for yourself the 100% real comments the story moved folks to submit. I have not changed a thing about the comments, not even grammatical errors. Trust me, leaving them in is far more painful for me than you. Let’s dive in!

This week, President Obama granted three sections of national park land National Monument status. The areas, Berryessa Snow Mountain in California, Waco Mammoth in Texas, and Basin and Range in Nevada, have officially been set aside as National Monuments instead of being simply parks or forests. Already part of the national park system, the upping in status offers these rare and natural environments a greater level of protection. The move will ensure that there cannot be any development, the land cannot be used for private means, and no one can put a damn pipeline of any sort right through the fossils and cave art. In short, it’s a great way to preserve three ancient, natural wonders.

Sounds good, right? I mean, it was already federally owned and protected land. A hard working group of conservationists just told Obama, “Hey, uh, someone’s going muddin’ through Snow Mountain and killing off the diverse wildlife there…could we just have you say officially that they can’t destroy the place?” And Obama said, “Sure. Where do you want me to sign?” That seems to me to be a no-brainer. He’s certainly not the first president to do it. Even Bush set aside land as a National Monument, because even a BUSH knows the value in protecting our shrinking wildlife. It’s good to protect our natural treasures and it’s part of the job of being president.

But…INTERNET. Here are some of the reactions of the Average Joe. While reading this, keep in mind that one or more of these folks might just sit a few cubicles down from you at work.

– “He protected, you mean he stole, just ask the states he took them from, most were in Nevada, with dirty Harry Reid, and his in vestments.”

Uh, no, actually. The land was already National Park land, most of it being declared as such by Teddy Roosevelt…just a wee bit before Obama’s time.

– “Stealing land from the states. Government at its worst.”

Hang on. Did no one read the article? The land already belonged to the government. Nothing was stolen.

– “More theft from the DICKtator!”

Oh for heaven’s sake! First off, no theft. Second, that’s not NEARLY as clever as you think.

– “66% of the land in Idaho is owned by the federal government.”

Cool story, bro. Aaaand what does it have to do with anything?

– “The dumb ass, thinks he’s god, think he can create something, lord strike this fool down, and free us from his tyranny”

Did…did you think that Obama is saying he literally MADE these natural sites? Holy shit.

– “Great, now Obama’s gone from self-proclaimed King to the Creator!”

…whoa. One person thinking that way was bad enough, but two?!

– “I am beginning to think I am reading Star Magazine or the Enquirer…”

Honey, you and me both.

-“…it’s a diversionary tactic.”

Well that took a turn I wasn’t expecting.

– “His latest BM?”

This is really starting to get off the rails.

– “Obama could take a crap on the White House lawn and his Llama would exclaim, “He passed a masterpiece !!”

Now THAT’S a llama I want to meet.

– “What about ‘The Killing Fields’ in Chicago?”

Hm. Probably didn’t meet the standard criteria.

– “OVAMIT THE DARK===ASSIGN TO THE SATANIC DARKNESS OF A DEMON”

Dammit, who let Kevin out? Kevin, get back in the asylum and take your meds.

– “Of course it’s much easier to spend money on monuments than to solve burning national problems and to pay attention to those who really need state’s support.”

But doesn’t the president have more than one responsibility? He kind of has a multi-faceted job.

– “Obama didn’t do that, someone else made that happen.”

Thank you! Reasonableness. No, he really didn’t spend his valuable time on it. He simply approved what the experts advised.

– “Dam sure won’t be some murdering cowardice statues from confederate era”

And I guess the internet had enough calm reasonableness. Didn’t last long, did it?

– “Actually, this is less a ‘grab’ as it is opening a corridor where there are no Park Police or Park Rangers. It makes it easier for illegals to get in through New Mexico.”

Wait. What?

– “This is another crime against the Constitution perpetrated by the executive branch, from which the court is specifically suposed to protect the states and their citizens from. It fallows niether the spirite nor intent of the law, it mearly enables more criminal ailians, with the desired intent to distroy America and the american low and middle class economic opertunities while grabing more of our resources th sell to the Chinese.”

Now, I’m not so sure, because right around “spirite”, everything started to fall apart, but I think this user was agreeing with the above poster about “ailians” and dragged China somehow into the fray…? Everybody get that same vibe?

– “Is this just Obama creating a safe corridor for the drug cartels who donate to Obama by untraceable prepaid credit cards?”

Actually, you put a lot of thought into that conspiracy theory. I didn’t see the twist end detail with the prepaid cards. Points for creativity.

– “Its just Obama promoting the Federal Government Uber Alles. He is indifferent to the drug cartels. I don’t know that the drug smuggler consider donations to the democrat party a sound investment. It is clear that Communist China does though.”

I’m beginning to sense a theme…

– “This could also be another region that Obama signed away to China”

You really don’t know what National Monuments are, do you? It’s okay to admit it. You’re safe here.

– “With as much radiation and plutonium there is in that ground, I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to grab it for tactical reasons, but taking into consideration that the government is and always has been the main source for illegals and drugs, I would say there is some dark deeds being prepared for this land.”

Holy shit, you’re right! Better get that tin foil hat ready. STAT.

– “MORE PROOF that Obama and the Socialist Party are not even the least bit concerned about the security of this nation.”

*sigh* I feel like I’ve got to point out once again that all Obama did was add another layer of environmental protection to land that was already part of the national park system. There will still be rangers. There will still be local cops.

– “Illegal corridor for the democratic voter block.”

Dammit, I misplaced my crazy-talk codex. Can anyone decipher that for me?

– “Waiting for the American Taliban to load up their trucks with guns and ammo and head from Nevada down to New Mexico to play soldier…if they don’t shoot each other first.”

Buddy, this says WAY more about you than it does Obama.

– “why HAs no one ever sued the feds under americans with disabilities act to allow disabled people mechanical means to enjoy the wilderness areas we have now. If you dont ride a horse or not young enough to WALK YOU ARE S.O.L.”

Look, I’m sorry you’re disabled, but you can’t put an elevator on a mountain. To do so would ruin the mountain. If you can’t afford an off road wheelchair, then there are just some things you won’t be able to do. There are some things I am not able to do. There are some things EVERYONE is not able to do, and you can’t sue for that. It’s just the way things are.

– “This story just went nation wide on the internet. If our government doesn’t know that. We are in sad shape for security. But the truth is not many people who have been attached to Obama are open to answering questions.”

….riiight. Uh, okay?

– “Gotta be 473 Cons listening in. How do I know? No action. No substance. Just, listening.”

I think this may have been an attempt at a haiku? Maybe?

– “CONS, don’t get too angry. After all, they will be renting out Hillary as a mule to ride for the kiddies.”

Yeah, I got nuthin’.

Thus concludes a scary look at the folks around you for Saturday, July 11, 2015. My washer just sang me the song of its people. I take it that means it’s done with my laundry? Either that or it was just lulling me into a sense of peaceful distraction earlier so it could summon the start of the uprising. Damn Obama.

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