If you were sitting in my house right now, you’d be breaking out the ghost hunting supplies. There are spooky, eerie moans coming from the other room. It sounds like a tortured soul trying desperately to make contact with anyone who can right the injustices of his former life so he can finally traverse the mist and enter the white light.
In actuality, it’s simply one of the teens. He sleep groans. It’s kinda like talking in his sleep, only far more hilarious. At times like this, he sounds like a ghost. Think hokey sheet with two eyes cut out and banal level prankster underneath waving his arms and saying “wooo-oooo-oooo”. It’s exactly like that. At other times, he sounds like a chain saw in the distance. He’ll start really low, then go up in pitch, then back down.
See? Comedy gold.
His teen roomie doesn’t find it so funny. But that one snores, so I don’t really think he’s got a leg to stand on.
Say, remember when I went to the uppity dump the other day? Well, I went again yesterday.
“Hoping to hear more about Hillary, Bethie?”
Nope. I’m excavating a closet I haven’t touched in probably six, maybe even seven years, and who knows how long it’s been since I’ve been all the way to the floor? We’re talking cretaceous period, folks. I’ll let you know if I find fossils.
ANYWAY, I went back to the transfer station with a load of cardboard for recycling. I dumped it in the container, then broke down the box I carried it all in to add to the recycling bin. A snotty ass woman comes up to me and said, “It was good of you to break down the box first and be considerate of others. Good for you.”
Let me paint the picture. She had a stack of six tupperware totes by her car. Each tote was labeled. Each label was written in loopy cursive. The labels were laminated.
The woman herself was probably around my age. She wore a pink vest even though it was only 30 degrees. She had fingerless gloves on. She wore a sweatband as an ear warmer. Clearly this is a woman who has completion issues.
Before she approached me, she was sorting her recycling, which was silly, since it was already sorted and cursively-labeled. Trust me. Anyone who takes the time to loop and twirl the esses in “glass” has then filled said container with the intended material. So what she was actually doing was making a show of looking like she was sorting her recycling.
“Look at me!” she all but screamed. “I care so much about the environment that I refuse to waste material on silly things like fingertips on my gloves or sleeves! And I don’t just recycle…I DOUBLE recycle!”
You know the type.
And then to turn around and be condescending to me? Gah. What a self-righteous *grumble**mutter*… People like that really piss me off. I get it, lady. You’re recycling. Good for you. Want a fucking medal or something?
No, wait. She doesn’t get the medal. I get the medal in that scenario because unlike her, I brought my recycling to the dump in a recyclable container.
WUT. *drops the mic*
…*pics mic back up, brushes it off*
Seriously. What a douche.
I was also bemoaning the lack of interesting/joke-worthy headlines when we last spoke. Apparently the internet heard me and responded loud and clear. Or maybe it was just the full moon. Whatever caused it, I’m happy to say….
Strike up the band!
*catchy theme music playing in a minor chord to indicate that it’s almost Halloween*
Oooh! Nice twist! Okay, cue the go-go dancers!
*ladies come out zombie-style, lurching across the stage to the eerie beat*
I am LOVING this! Can we do it every day? …no? Okay, well, then, let’s enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s time for a….
*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***
*spooky unresolved chord at the end* *zombies all moan “Brains”*
Bravo! Brava! Brav…whatever you say for a zombie! Everyone give that five-star performance a round of applause!
Yes, it’s time for a Roundup. For those who might not know, a Headline Roundup is exactly that. I scour the internet for news headlines that strike my fancy and round them up. Maybe they’re poorly written. Maybe they’re confusing or misleading. Or maybe the editor did the best with a bizarre situation and they leave you with a vague sense of “WTF?” They’re treasures, every one. And like always, they are 100% real. I just supply the wise-assery after. Those are the rules. Step on up and let’s play!
– Victim of UConn Mac and Cheese Tirade Says He Does Not Accept Apology
In fairness, do you know how cutting mac and cheese can be? Some side dishes take it way too far.
– Massachusetts Witch Takes Warlock to Court Over Harassment Charges
Now that’s a sign of progress. Wasn’t that long ago witches weren’t that keen on stepping foot in a courthouse.
– Possible Carcinogen Seeps into Well from Animal Burial Ground
“…homeowners were told immediately to stop drinking the water.” THEY WERE DRINKING THE WATER!!!! ZOMG
– Celebrity Fears, Phobias Revealed
Because the one thing modern celebs absolutely needed was another way for people to torture them over the internet.
– Owner Hears ‘Kaboom’, Finds Car on Roof of Michigan Home
Pea shooter –> potato gun –> punkin’ chunker –> automobile cannon… What did you expect? It’s basic evolution, folks.
– How to Survive Daylight Savings Time and Shorter Days
Finally, a way not to die every single year.
– What Your Least Favorite Chore Says About You
It says doing chores sucks. Does this really need to be an article?
– Environmentalists Warn Snow Leopard Could ‘Vanish’
They’ll melt from the global warming.
– Trump Begs Iowa Voters For Support
And so the desperation phase of the election cycle begins…
– Homeowners Faced with Big Bills to Fix Dams Deemed Unsafe
That’s what happens when you try and upstage the Joneses. Trust me, stick with a moat. Way less upkeep.
– Deer Looking for Love Collide with Cars Instead
Dammit Michigan! Stop firing the auto cannon at the stag clubs right now!
– Prep School Kid and Sis Robbed Drug Dealers
– Black Market Butt Fillers Ruined Her Life
…gonna be honest. Once again, I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not to feel bad for anyone in this scenario. You’re confusing me today, MSN.
– Tractor Beam Uses Holograms Made of Sound to Move Objects
– Rare, Earth-Bound Space Junk Offers Rare Opportunity for Scientists
Oh sure. It’s a “rare opportunity” when THEY go through a pile of junk, but it’s “hoarding” when I do it. Pfft. Double standard much?
– A Scientist Built an AI Computer to Figure Out How to Take Better Selfies
FIRED. You are now officially FIRED FROM SCIENCE. Please pack your bags and head to the bubble gum pop section of humanity immediately.
– Dog Named Trigger Shoots Owner
A woman walks into the bar. She slaps her hand on the counter and says, “I’m lookin’ for the paw that shot my man.”
– Annoying Teddy Bear Sings Until You Destroy It
Heh heh heh. It honestly does. It sings a high pitched, awful version of the birthday song until you actually physically break it. Where can I buy one?
– Singing Teddy Bear Draws Ire, Outrage
The gist is that people believe that creating a bear that must be destroyed is going to turn kids into serial killers. Damn. Looks like they might not be on store shelves anytime soon. Bummer. I had such plans…
– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic
My guess is that it was savvy enough to get to the head of the line at the life boats promptly to secure a seat.
– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic
…ya know, reading the headline again, unless you saw the photo of an actual saltine-like cracker, one might easily take this as a really cutting jab against all the wealthy folks who were given priority on the life boats over the rest of the passengers…
– Chewbacca Arrested for Driving Darth Vader to the Polls
CHEWIE NOOOO!!!! How could you switch sides?
– Missing Cat Found With Wine Hangover
…how do they know it was wine?
– Russian Police Find Half a Ton of Caviar in Speeding Hearse
Of course they did.
– Student Scores in Reading, Math Drop
Your common core, not hard at work.
– Two People Dead After Explosion At Oregon Gun Range
People died at a gun range? What is this world coming to.
– We Can’t Eat Our Way Out of the Invasive Species Crisis
– Ford Responds to Trump: ‘Facts Are Stubborn Things’
Oh snap. Need a little aloe for that burn, Trump?
– Ex-cop Gets Year in Jail for Asking to Lick Woman’s Feet
Texas, not Florida. Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.
– Idaho Agency Finds Historic Footage of Parachuting Beavers
I KNEW IT. They tried to cover it up, but I friggin’ knew it! You watch. Area 51 footage is next. #thanksSnowden
– Feds: Company Put Cheddar, Swiss in “Real” Parmesan, Romano
Holy shit. No wonder the mac ‘n cheese was so testy. I guess we learned a valuable lesson here. There’s always another side to the story.
Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, October 28, 2015. Costume making today. I’ve only got one to make this year, and he wants to be the Grim Reaper. You know, keep it light and happy this Halloween. I’ve got an old rusty sickle I think I can turn into a kickass scythe, but I’m on the fence about coating it in fake blood or glowing paint to make it eerie…hm…