Another year without a nuclear meltdown has got to be making them rethink the calendars…

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Mornin’ all.

We done went and had ourselves a bit of winter this week. It was sleeting so hard that when I got up the other day that it sounded like a pipe had broken. I had a momentary flashback to last years’ Pipes of Hell winter production before I got a grip and realized that it was a balmy 30 degrees, and the water was coming down from above, not up from below.

I took a look outside. A couple inches of snow, then ice pellets as far as the eye could see. What an awful mess! Fortunately for us, no one had anywhere they needed to go. Kids were home from school, man was home from work. There wasn’t a single reason any of us had to go out.

So of course we went out.

…what? Oh come on. It’s a New England tradition. The plows had already come through, so we weren’t clogging up the roads and getting in their way, and there was almost no traffic. As soon as you can, you get in your car and chug the mile to the local grocery store to make sure every other redneck congregated there still agrees with your assessment that winter is wicked fahkin’ shitty. It’s just what you do. I don’t make the rules, people.

Besides, we were low on milk. Not quite out, but low enough that the morning joe would be tan, not khaki. Couldn’t have that first world problem, now could I? I mean, I chipped a nail this week, too. There’s only so much one person can take.

We’re halfway through the kids’ holiday break. For the most part, it’s been pretty smooth. They needed to clean their rooms to make space for fresh inventory after Christmas. I remember when that meant they played with the rediscovered toys while I sat buried under the heaps of long forgotten treasures, desperately trying to throw out the crap that the kids only suddenly NEEDED because it was time for it to go.

Now, even the littlest pup is old enough to mostly guide himself in cleaning.

I’m not saying I don’t have a couple in the litter who show the same hoarding tendencies I possess. Sometimes I’ll catch the pup sneaking a broken toy under the bed. “What’s that?” I’ll say. “I can fix it,” he’ll protest. “Put it in the trash before you end up with an hour long TLC special,” I’ll tell him, carefully creasing my brow in practiced parental consternation.

Aside from cleaning, it’s been mellow and game-filled. They are my little flock of geeks and got some cool games for Christmas. And while they got out and played before the shit weather rolled in, I can’t say any of them seemed the least bit disappointed to discover that Mother Nature made sure their time was free for digital adventuring.

Pokemons explored caves. Isaacs were…bound? I’m sorry, I don’t really know how that game works. Brain puzzles were solved, and, if the excited tittering wafting from the teen lair was any indication, large battleships were thwarted.

Looks like they’ll have that same kind of morning again today, at least. It’s raining and the snow/ice is getting a fresh, glossy glaze. Hey, I suppose I can’t complain. I mean, it’s the first real sign of winter, and it’s almost 2016.

Can you believe it? Another year out. Pfft, just like that. Seems like I cracked open my free 2015 calendar the nuclear power plant sends to all the folks that live in the potential fallout zone just yesterday.

…true story. Got next year’s unusual bribe all ready to hang in the morning. If the plant ever blows, at least I’ll have the warm memories of all the free calendars they sent over the years to temper my anger at their incompetence and give me comfort. Well, the warm memories and the literal warmth of the radiation…

It’s that time of year again when we look back and reflect on the old shitstorm we’re leaving behind before our hungover asses wake up to the first misting sprays of the new one. Everyone’s recapping the year as only the internet can.

Most sites are linking their favorite lists by category. The news this year was, by and large, fairly bleak. I’m looking through these lists of murders and scandals and jihads and arrests and it’s depressing as hell. There was a link on MSN to the “20 Cutest Internet Cats of 2015.” I was thinking that would take the sting off the hell hole we’re in and clicked on it. True to their word, some of the kitties really did have squiffy wiffy faces. I was feeling more positive until I clicked on the last cat. The last cat on the list looked like Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is now ruining the palate-cleansing ability of internet kittehs. Screw you, Donald Trump. #generalmessageof2015

Then there are the usual lists of celebrity lives that ended in the course of the year. The entertainment sections have lists of actors and singers that shuffled off this mortal coil. The sports section listed “7 Sports Heroes You’ll Miss Next Year.” What a set up articles like that are. I didn’t even know these people existed until you told me, and then as soon as I find out about them, you tell me they died. I was in a world of blissful ignorance before. Any emptiness and loss I now feel for heroes I will never get to know is completely your fault, sports writers. Screw you, too.

Science and tech sections also have their loss articles, but no one reads them. I think that’s probably sadder than the fabricated depression from the sports writers. This keyboard I’m typing on could have been invented by someone who died this year, and I’ll never know. I mean, I *could* know, I guess. I just won’t.

Hey, at least I’m honest.

Aside from the news bits, many of the lists on the internet are sponsored. “Top 20 Hairstyles of 2015,” brought to you by Wen hair care. Just guessing here, but I think these styles are going to be held in place with Wen’s Dr. MacGuillicuddy Formula Super Shiny Impossible-to-Muss All Purpose Hair Shellac Elixir and Floor Polish. They’re also linking their least favorite lists. “Worst Hairstyles in 2015.” Looks like there are many folks out there who didn’t buy Wen. Tighten that shit up in 2016, folks. Just call Wen and ask for “magic hair beans.” They’ll know what you’re talking about.

Here’s a good one. “50 of the Best Cars of 2015.” How about, “80 Great Breakfasts to Start off the New Year.” This is one you cannot miss: “101 Life Hacks We Learned in 2015.”

It cracks me up when I see lists like this. 50 Best Cars…so, like…ALL the cars of 2015, then? I think they just try to one up each other. I think the folks at BuzzFeed brainstorm or interface or idea-share or whatever they call it to try and come up with a list that cannot be topped.

“Let’s see if we can think of a list that will dwarf all other lists,” some asshole in an ill-fitting plaid shirt says as he pushes thick-framed, lensless glasses up his nose.

Stanley gulps, though whether because of genuine panic or simply discomfort the starched bow tie pressing against his Adam’s apple creates is undetermined. “Dave,” he rasps. “You’re talking about…the Golden List.”

The group gasps as one, but Dave is undeterred. He holds up a perfectly manicured hand, mostly to flash the sweet 1986 Casio calculator watch he found at a yardsale that sometimes even works, and the group stills. “Yes.”

The one word gets the hipsters riled enough to forget their corporate catchphrases. “That’s fucking nuts!” someone shouts. “It’s a pipe dream, Dave!” says another.

“This is it,” Dave shouts above the din of the crowd. Everyone settles back down. “I said it in January and I meant it. This is OUR year. We’re not leaving this office until we finally do it. I want everyone to network and give each other input and no one is leaving until we come away with the Golden List.”

Stanley hitches up his high waisted acid washed jeans he’s totally wearing ironically, duh, and takes a deep breath. “You do know that’s the top, right? That’s the pinnacle. If we create the world’s most comprehensive list, it’s all downhill from there. We’ll never be able to beat it.”

Dave removes the annoying empty frames, stares long and hard at his expectant hispt-herd, and finally utters, “Then we go out in a blaze of glory, my friends. Who’s with me?”

50 cars. 80 breakfasts. 101 life hacks… I tried to do a Google search for “longest compilation lists,” “longest year end wrap up lists,” and “longest dumb lists of shit that happened in 2015,” but I simply confused the Google Overlords. They still think I want a list of armed conflicts near large rivers. Should make my autofill even more interesting next time.

Things happened this year. More things did not. We were great at realizing problems, but really shitty at fixing them. We’ve got to work on that in 2016. We’ve had some deaths, some more personal than others, and some births. Folks set records, smashed records, invented records, and some even recorded records, though they won’t just call them “records” anymore and that’s super annoying. There was a lot to 2015.

I look back on the news, the media, the trends and stories and pop culture ebbs and flows. What do I want to talk about in terms of the year we’re leaving behind? I have spent the year blogging. I got most of it out of my system when it happened. Something grabbed my attention, I hopped on and “Mornin’ all-ed”, and walked away feeling lighter and freer. I generally don’t need to recap, since it’s all archived and anyone is free to look back on their own if they want.

However, there is something nagging me that I need to get off my chest before I can move forward. Somehow I missed the news when it came out, and then it became awkward to talk about apropos of nothing. But that’s what year end round ups are for, right? It’s a time to have one last chance to air your grievances before you close the calendar, throw it away, and start fresh.

With that in mind, here’s Bethie’s Huge Annoyance of 2015. I’m not even going to try and compete for the Golden List award. It’s really simple. Just one thing.

This:

hoverboard

THIS IS NOT A HOVERBOARD!!! It doesn’t hover. It doesn’t even come CLOSE to hovering. It’s on GODDAMN WHEELS for crying out loud. It’s AT BEST a crooked skateboard. It’s not innovative. It’s not the “future”. It’s just a board with spinny wheels on it. WHEELS. No hovering capabilities whatsoever. The emperor is naked and it’s time someone stood up and said something.

STOP CALLING IT A FUCKING HOVERBOARD!!!!! GAAAHHH!!!!

*exhausted panting* *deep breath* *slicks back crazy wayward lock of hair* *clears throat*

There. NOW I’m ready for 2016.

Thus concludes the last Musing for 2015. I say this every year, and every year some dope ignores the good advice. If you want to usher in 2016 by getting utterly shit faced, cheers! Now, grab a couch. A floor. Be the huddled mass in the bathtub moaning all night. Whatever you do, DON’T DRIVE AFTER YOU DRINK!! Any is too many. I hope everyone gets to wake up tomorrow morning with a headache, cotton mouth, and a nagging suspicion that the lampshade and goat weren’t actually a dream…

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When life gives you lemons, play video games.

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Mornin’ all.

“Ooooh, look who decided to grace us with her presence.”

…*sigh* Okay, okay. I earned that. It’s been an incommunicado week. I wasn’t shunning you. I was simply busy with car repairs and gaming. My asshole car continues to be an asshole. It’s currently in cahoots with a wiring gremlin. It’s giving the bastard sanctuary and tracking down a problem that could literally be in any single hot wire in the entire car is turning me gray before my time.

…er…gray-ER.

Thank god the car crap was tempered by awesome Teen Prime being awesome. He got me Fallout 4 for Christmas…and didn’t even make me wait to play it!!!

Raised that one right, folks. *sniff*

So Fallout 4, probably one of the most anticipated games to come down the pike in a long time. Teen Prime got it for me on the PS4. I’m told the PC version is smooth as butter, though I have serious doubts about that one. I think it’s more likely that people can easily patch the PC game if they’ve got an issue, whereas you’re at the mercy of the developers for updates on the consoles. I have a very hard time believing that all the bugs I’m getting aren’t also an issue on the PC.

How buggy? Dialogue skips. Those seem to happen a lot and suddenly I’m supposed to answer a question the NPC never actually asked. There are consequences for the answers you give, too, so knowing what I’m saying would probably help. In one area of the part of the map I’ve explored, I can’t shoot two of my weapons unless I draw the enemy back into a different corridor.

And top tip for anyone else playing on the PS4…save frequently. Crashes, man. *sigh* Crashes.

Oh, but don’t think your “quicksave” will be good. That’s a feel good gauge at best.

“Sounds like the game’s a real dud.”

Not at all! Not to me, anyway. Look, this game is huge. Absolutely MASSIVE. The game is so expansive with so many different things to do that I’ve already put in a full-time-job level of commitment and still have not started the second major quest in the story line. I love a game that lets me roam free and fart around.

But something that size is going to have its issues. Does that make the game unplayable? No. Does it really make it less enjoyable? To me, not really, but I’ve got an odd sense of humor. I love glitches. They spice up digital life. And when you get right down to it, it’s a game. It’s just a game. Does it really make it worse if you’re laughing your ass off at an NPC suddenly appearing on your shoulders for absolutely no discernible reason? No. It makes it SO much better.

So far, I’m going with a 4.7/5.00 rating. We’ll see if that changes over time.

Okay, that’s enough of a book report. I guess I should try out Real Life for a little bit, eh?

“US to Target ISIS Leader”

Um…like…shouldn’t we have been doing that all along?

I mean, for real. Either this really is a new plan, which I seriously doubt, or we’re just putting it in the paper to scare the dude, which is ALSO really stupid. Anyone reading it really should be like, “We already knew that…”

C’mon, CIA. THIS is the best propaganda you’ve got right now? Those budget cuts must have hit harder than we thought. Someone get the CIA enough funding to hire a better sociolinguist immediately. If I’m going to be brainwashed, I’d at least like a little effort put into it. Stop half-assing it, CIA.

*Author’s note: Welp, if that doesn’t get me flagged, I don’t know what will!*

Let’s look at some other news.

“14 Dead in California Mass Shooting”

My heart goes out to the families that are suffering such a loss. Anything else I could possibly say would piss at least one of you off. I don’t want to piss anyone off. I want everyone to feel sad that 14 more people were murdered. It’s getting harder and harder to feel sad about it though, isn’t it? It’s becoming numbers. People are becoming numbers.

That’s a problem.

“Stone Temple Pilots Singer Scott Weiland Dead at 48”

That’s going to get more honest tears than the story above. I’m not dissin’ Scott or his memory. He made some damn fine songs that weave themselves through my teenage memories and it’s too bad he went so young.

Maybe one of these mass shootings will have to happen to a famous person before something’s actually done?

THIS IS NOT AT ALL A THREAT TO ANYONE. I just want to make it clear that I am NOT calling for or in any way planning anything against any famous person. I don’t want ANY people murdered! I’m just saying, the way our society is going these days, I just don’t know what it’s going to take for people to actually get off their asses and DO something about the problem.

“Day After San Bernadino, Republicans Line Up to Crush Gun Control”

Of fucking course they did. Because ANY reasonable compromise that might actually help make it harder for crack pots to get their hands on mass murder machines is just utterly insane.

…oops. Guess I forgot the “not pissing you off” promise. Not sorry. Needed sayin’.

Let’s see if we can find something in real life that’s less contentious to discuss.

“Nielsen: Smartphones and the Internet Are Eating Our TV Time”

This one is interesting. Nielsen is basically an information marketing company. You younger ones might not have heard of a “Nielsen family,” but before the internet, it was the only way that tv stations could track the popularity of their shows. A box was installed in randomly selected homes to track what tv shows the viewers were into. For decades, the Nielsen numbers were almost solely responsible for deciding which shows continued and which were cancelled.

Oh, I know it’s more involved than that. I was nutshelling it.

Now, they’re getting pissy. The internet is killin’ their buzz in a lot of ways. Their services are becoming less relevant across the board. It’s interesting if you’re at all into the business side of television.

“I’m not.”

…*blink**blink*…okay then. Uh…moving on.

“New Form of Carbon Is Harder Than Diamonds, and Glows”

Screw diamonds. I want a ring made out of THIS!

“Fallout 4 Superfan Creates 3D Printed Mini Nuke”

Aw shit. I want that, too!

“A Surprisingly Small Team Created 2015 Game of the Year”

Wanna guess what game?

“Fallout 4 Sales Shatter Records”

BOOM suck it Call of Duty!! Told you it was highly anticipated.

“How to Make Your XBox One Faster (And Make Fallout 4 Better)”

Pfft. Who’s playing on the XBox One?! Newbs. That’s who. I tell ya…

“…uh, Bethie?”

Yeah?

“I’m sensing a theme in your news viewing.”

Hey. I gave the Real Life thing a try. Aside from glowing diamonds, it pretty much sucks right now.

“How Accurate is Fallout 4 to Boston and Boston’s History?”

I don’t write the news. Is it really my fault if the Fates keep leading me down a particular path?

“Fallout 4 Player Accidentally Falls into Sea, Finds Mysterious Structure”

WHAT!?!?!!! Uh, sorry, but, uh, something just came up and I…just…uh…bye!

*empty computer chair spins*

*papers flutter to the ground from the whirlwind*

*you awkwardly sit there, staring at the cat and wondering if you should show yourself out*

Thus concludes a quick Musing for Friday, December 4, 2015. I’d pen a closing quip, but it’s hard to type with one hand on the controller. You understand.

You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…

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Mornin’ all.

So remember the washer battle? The latest one. The one I lost. I’m done gathering the fallen and nursing the injured back to some semblance of health and ready to look forward to a new dawn, a new day, a new washer.

Yes! A BRANDY NEW washing machine! We took a credit card that had been cleared for quite some time and used it. Not ideal. Not what we wanted to happen. But sometimes, you gotta do whatchoo gotta do. I’ve had three used washers in the last decade. They were all hand me downs and needed some level of limping along and my guy said, “You know what? If the little mama needs a real washing machine to get the woman’s work done, well I’mma git ‘er one!”

BAHAHAHA!!! Kidding. Jeez, how quickly do you think I’d give him the Ice Queen Laser Eyes if he said that?

Nah. He bought me a washer in a non-sexist-just-knows-I-LOATHE-laundromats-and-wants-me-not-to-have-to-use-them kind of way. Besides, he didn’t want me to do laundry at all. He pleaded a case for us to become nudists instead. *bland stare*

As soon as he heard the charge of the laser eyes spinning up, he ended the nudism crusade.

Smart man.

So I’m getting a washing machine. …maybe.

Local appliance stores are expensive as hell. WALMART is expensive as hell. And while I’m not looking for a top of the line model that will massage the garments with little robot hands, carefully picking out every particle of dirt and dried ketchup and flicking them away as if they are the most offensive molecules to ever exist, I *do* need one that can handle the clothing of 5 full sized people and one smaller Pigpen.

*goes to fistbump for the Peanuts reference, then pulls back at last second like Lucy. Boom. DOUBLE REFERENCE*

I go through washers because our household demand is higher than the average washing machine wants to handle. I’ll wear the same jeans for days. But the kiddies needs clean clothes for school and now work, and the man gets crazy grubby at his job. You wouldn’t think grocery is a grimey biz. You’d be wrong.

After looking at prices at the local box stores and smaller appliance places in the area, we began to wonder if we’d be able to do this after all or not. With hearts in our throats and our fingers crossed, we decided to check the wonderful bargain bin known as the internet. We scoured around, found a few models that fit our needs and will just manage to work in the budget in a bazillion easy payments.

Now, we’re not idiots. We didn’t look for “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics”. No, we went to Amazon, and let THEM select “Bob’s Discount Warshers” as our first vendor. Oh, that’s not what they called themselves. They called themselves something friendly, like “Home and Care” or some bullshit. But that was just a poorly pasted on label to hide their “Bob’s Discount Warshers” company logo. That’s what they are from here forward.

We ordered the machine last week. The machine was supposed to be here Monday.

The machine was not here Monday.

…are you surprised? Come on. This wouldn’t make a good story if everything went to plan, would it?

When yesterday rolled around and we still didn’t hear anything about our mystery machine that was clearly caught in some transdimensional vortex, we tried to contact the seller. We clicked on the seller profile and found that this seller actually has multiple names on Amazon. Hm. Now why would a reputable, honest vendor of expensive merchandise have multiple names? Wouldn’t you think that they would want to rack up satisfied customers and build ONE good name?

Should have done our research, folks. That’s what it comes down to.
We were contacted by Amazon saying that the vendor has not followed their obligations to Amazon and reported the details of shipping in the agreed upon time frame. Amazon recommended that we cancel the order. We contacted Amazon…surprisingly easy to do, actually, and the people there were very helpful both times we ended up calling.

Yes, both. Hang on. I’ll get there.

After a long chat with the helpful person on the other end of the line, we decided that if “Bob’s Discount Warshers” can’t follow the contract with Amazon, and they hadn’t answered our inquiries, either, then we’d cancel the order. Amazon said they would handle it on their end, and assured us we would not be held liable for the sale no matter what.

A little fuss, but in the end, no muss, and we washed our hands of “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics.” We went back on Amazon, found a washer that had been put on sale between last week and this, came out cheaper than the other, FREE SHIPPING!! from a company that had many excellent ratings, and a couple middle of the road like you’d expect any legit business to have. We placed the order, huzzah, new washer once again on the way!

…and then got an angry email from “Bob’s Yada Yada” informing us that wouldn’t you know it, they JUST shipped the discount warsher yesterday morning and it was too late to cancel the order since the warsher was speeding to us at the break neck speed of a snail.

Seriously, they said they just happened to ship it yesterday morning, June 24, and it would get here…July 17. I think the damn discount warsher’s planning on walking here, folks. Maybe it’s stopping to take a guided donkey tour of the Grand Canyon. Oh, I know! It’s dying to see the washing machine horror exhibit known as the “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn.” Oooh scary.

Look. We didn’t sign up for this shit. So, we called Amazon back. Once again, extremely friendly, helpful, and really pissed off on our behalf. Hey, if you’re ever looking for a cohort, someone to be righteously indignant with you when no one else is around, call up Amazon customer support. I swear we could hear the dude lighting the torch and sharpening his pitchfork.

Long and short, not only were we assured that we would not be held responsible for the cost of the washer in any way, but they cc’d us a copy of an angry email they sent to “Bob’s” that included the other email they sent earlier showing that it wasn’t until the order was canceled that the company actually shipped the machine.

Yay Amazon! Thanks for stormin’ the castle with us! Now, just make sure this second one actually gets here. K, thnx.

No, I mean it. I HATE laundry. Hate it. I will do any other chore on the planet over washing clothes. And yet, now that I can’t just pop a load in and ignore it until that funky smell fills the bathroom and I say “Oh shit, that’s right, I have to actually take it out of the wash for it to get dry…” I must say, I miss having a working washer.

Come on, Amazon. Pull through this time. *crosses my fingers and hopes*

Great weather is dawning. Storms cleared out the humidity and it’s sunny with a light breeze. It’s the perfect weather for working on the car. And the lawn. And figuring out a place to store the Evil Washer of Non-compliance where it won’t get even more ruined. (What? No way in HELL I’m leaving a brand new washer behind if we can ever manage to move out of here! Gotta save this pathetic husk to leave here when we go.)

In order to do all those things, and the many more that need doing in bright, sunshiny weather, I need it to be a bit later. Neighbors and all. Right now in the neighborhood, we’ve got one asshole who has spent all spring desperately trying for the Worst Neighbor crown. I see no reason not to let him reach his end goal of being the most hated man on the block. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that would challenge him.

I mean, how sad would it be for him if all that drunken yelling, screaming, and mid-week middle of the night fireworks shooting is forgotten because I carelessly fired up the side grinder before 9 am? All that rubber he’s laid peeling out of his drive EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. has GOT to mean something, folks. It just has to.

So while I wait for an appropriate time to make an appropriate level of noise, let us get wildly INappropriate, shall we? While it’s too early for some things, it’s never too early for a….

*cue the go-go dancers* *fire up the catchy theme music* *bring in the guest yodlers*

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

Shh. Let the yodlers finish.

…or should I said, let them Finnish?

“No. Bad Bethie. Bad.”

…fair enough. A round of applause to our dancers and yodlers, and don’t forget the band! They had to learn some accordion riffs just for today.

Yes, headlines. While regular readers will recognize the segment, let me take a quick second to fill in the newbs. Every now and again I get a wild hare up my ass and scour the internets for headlines that are poorly worded, leave the wrong impression, or simply give me a funny image in my head. All of the headlines are bona fide legit. I just supply Bethie’s Discount Commentary.

– Surgical Team Mocks Sedated Patient–and it’s All Recorded

They’re mucking around inside his ass. IN HIS ASS. Was he hoping to catch them whispering sweet nothings?

– One-fourth of Americans Lie to Dentists About Flossing

I hate polls like this. Are they really expecting me to believe that a quarter of Americans actually admit to the dentist they don’t floss? Horse shit.

– Chinese City Defends Dog Meat Festival Amidst Criticism

I’m not going to be popular here, folks. Just because we’ve decided that dogs should play fetch doesn’t mean we have any right to deny a people a cheap source of meat. There are people who snuggle chickens. Cows are considered sacred to millions. I can’t tell a hungry person they can’t eat an animal just because I wouldn’t.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

CHINA WHAT THE HELL. I just defended you!

– SC Lawmakers Agree to Debate Removal of Confederate Flag

Wait. What’s the friggin’ debate? Take down the flags. Not hard, folks.

– Amazon Joins Other Online Retailers in Banning Sales of Confederate Flags

There! See? No debate. Not hard. And about friggin’ time!

– Major US Flag Maker to Stop Making Confederate Flags

…are you getting the message, South Carolina?

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Sorry, I just have to go back to this one for a sec because the longer I think about it, the more questions I have. Who the hell has a cache of forty year old meat lying around??

– New York Prison Break: Tailor Used Baked Goods to Help Escapees

Are you even kidding me with this shit?! If they actually, legitimately baked a file into a loaf of bread…AND IT WORKED….I give up on our legal system.

– Why Half of New Jersey was Pummeled with Storms While Other Half Spared

I’m torn between a horrible sinner joke and a Jersey shore guido jab. How about we make it reader’s choice? Think of your best Jersey burn. Come on, all together now. *think**think**chuckle* We just shared a moment, everyone. I feel closer to you now.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

…like, frozen? I mean, it absolutely cannot be fresh. That would be…like…mummified, right? Maybe it’s jerky. Because if it’s jerky, I guess I can sort of see it. But do you even know how much it would cost to run a freezer for FORTY YEARS? I just…I can’t…

– Prison Seamstress Smuggled Tools to Inmates in Raw Meat

Two things: First, I think China should take comfort in the fact that other countries are dealing with their own meat smuggling crises right now. Second…the fuck are inmates getting RAW MEAT for?? Clearly this happens with enough frequency that the guard on duty saw nothing amiss with RAW FRIGGIN’ MEAT being handed over to inmates. This is somehow so much worse than the baked good theory.

– International Cult of Snowden Grows

Poll time: Cult of Snowden, better or worse than Scientology?

*editor’s note: We at the Muse are not seriously suggesting that Scientology is a cult. Cults are religions, and Scientology is simply a pyramid scheme. We apologize for any confusion.*

– Telescope Construction Set to Resume, but Battle Remains

Another relationship ruined from the arguments over ambiguous Ikea instructions. Come on, Ikea. Why you gotta hate love?

– Republicans’ Trump Debate Mistakes

Hiring people to root for you during the debate is probably high on the oopsie list…

China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

How does FORTY YEAR OLD MEAT still exist in an area of the world where so many people are starving? No one in FORTY FRIGGIN’ YEARS said, “Hm. You know what? They haven’t touched this meat in 28 years…guess it’s up for grabs?”

– Ford’s New Smartbike Vibrates to Warn You About Potholes

Because random jiggling and wiggling while you’re balancing on two small wheels seems so much safer than actually watching the road.

– Shark Bites 8-year-old Boy In NC; No Warning to Swimmers

It didn’t even give the kid a fair warning first? What a dick.

– Woman Gets Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Mud Run

Once again my decision to never run unless I’m getting away from tigers or zombies is confirmed as a sound life choice.

– New Era in Police Recruiting: Courting Hearts and Minds

The right candidate will be someone who likes long walks on the beach, is open to sharing feelings through song, and is comfortable enough with their personal identity that they don’t have to use their weapon as a tool of control. No Bronies.

– How Kids Became the Strongest Argument for Same Sex Marriage

“See all these damn kids? See how loud they are with their snarled hair and sticky candy fingers? You want even MORE of these little bastards running around?? Two men, or two women…in a world filled with bellowing brats, IT JUST MAKES SENSE.”

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

There are no pictures of the actual meat with the story. Is it weird that I really, really want to see pictures of what 40 year old top round looks like? We could call it “science” if that makes it less weird…

– Kansas Judge Weighs Nation’s First Ban on Abortion Methods

First ban? Someone at the AP needs a history book.

– Oklahoma Drilling Regulator Calls Spike in Earthquakes ‘Game Changer’

“We weren’t really expecting the earth to be this much of a challenge, but late in the second quarter there, she really jumped up and hit back. We need to double down. More drills. More oil tapping. More mining and blasting and fracking…”

– American Attacked by Shark off Australian Coast; ‘I’m Very Lucky’

“Of all the surfers in all the world, that shark chose me as its hors devour. *sniff* And while he only took a little taste before spitting me out and popping an Altoid, it was an honor just to be considered.”

– Lattes and Mars Bars on Sale at North Korea’s Gleaming New Airport

Lattes AND Mars Bars? Well, then. I think that puts to rest any lingering doubts the world has expressed over North Korea’s commitment to human rights and social justice!

Buckingham Palace Needs Repairs; Queen May Have to Leave

It doesn’t matter if you’re a prince or a pauper…if you throw a raging kegger and trash the joint, you’re going to get kicked out.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Not to sound uneducated on the subject, but just how necessary is it to “smuggle” meat in China? This is a place that eats canine steaks. It doesn’t seem like they have the most stringent department of agriculture.

– Rand Paul Rolls Out 50 Supporters

…uh…good for you? I guess that’s a start? Now you just need a few dozen million more to really get this ball rolling.

– Moon Bears Rescued from Bile Farm in Vietnam

Shh. I’m closing my eyes and imagining what “moon bears” look like. They are fantastic.

– Dalai Lama to Speak at Glastonbury Rock Festival

Oooh snap. Your move, Pope.

– Shell Shocker: Triassic Reptile was ‘Grandfather’ to All Turtles

And for a super low, low price, you, too, can sample this rare delight at Bob’s Discount Vittles centrally located in beautiful downtown Shanghai.

…sorry, China. You kind of deserved that one.

Thus concludes a well Rounded Musing for Thursday, June 26, 2015. I can’t fire up the side grinder yet, but maybe I could get the lawnmower going. It’s just a little electric jobby and shouldn’t even put a hitch in my neighbor’s bid for the throne…