How many times can I say ‘moist’ before you just can’t take it anymore?

Standard

Mornin’ all.

We got some rain last night. I’m hoping that it’ll break this heat wave, but at the moment, it looks like it just made things more moist out there.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but the air is moist. Warm and…moist.

“Ew, Bethie. Stop saying that word.”

Can’t. There isn’t a word more appropriate for the ickiness. Walking outside yesterday was like walking into a limp, warm, moist sponge.

And now, though cooler, it’s so moist out that the light from the street lamp at the end of my drive is struggling to illuminate anything else. There’s a dense, moist miasma hanging around and…

*squeak of chair*

Wait. Where are you going?

“I’m out.”

Okay okay! I’ll stop saying it!

“*quirks the eyebrow of dubiousness*”

I promise. Besides, you don’t want to leave today. I have some delicious cake to share. Look at it. Smell it. Mmmmm. It’s not a bit dry, either. In fact, one might say it’s…

“*GLARE OF WARNING*”

…at the peak of freshness!

“…”

Cake?

“…*sigh*…”

Come on. Sit back down and have a slice. I was only playing. You wouldn’t want to leave anyway. I’ve got the band ready to go and I thought we’d…

“*plunks down in the chair**grabs a slice of cake* Stop grossing me out already and get to the…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You jumped the gun, man. No one was ready! The band blew the intro, and the dancers legs all got tangled. Look, I know I owe you for the whole m-word debacle, but just sit there and eat your cake and let me run this, okay?

“*waves fork in my general direction*”

Philipe? Could you be a lamb and put down your tuba to help untangle the ladies? I think the rhinestones on their fishnets got twisted together. Thanks.

Okay, now that the cluster of dancers is in Philipe’s capable hands, let’s get to the Roundup. For those who don’t know, the world itself has become entwined and tangled. Every day the news seems more and more horrible. However, once in awhile, there are headlines that crack me up. Like the streetlamp outside my window, these beacons of ridiculousness shine through the moistness of society.

“…Actually, I’ll allow that one. Continue.”

Thank you.

Sometimes the headlines are dumb. Sometimes they’re poorly worded. But more often or not, they just give me a mental image or a gut reaction I feel I need to share. As always, the headlines themselves are completely real. I just supply the snark.

Everyone up to speed? Excellent. Let’s get into it…

– Trump to Clinton: ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

I missed Mr. Nice Guy? When was Mr. Nice Guy?!?

– Doherty Breaks Down Over Breast Cancer Battle

Pfft. Weak. Suck it up, Shannon!

editor’s note: Sarcasm, people. The tone of the article was snarky and sassy, as if a woman battling breast cancer has no right to get upset about it. Sarcasm, the second best -asm there is.

editor’s note about previous editorial note: I didn’t make that line up. I saw it on a t shirt and it always stuck with me. Heh.

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

Holy shit stop the presses!!! Trump and Clinton AGREE on something!!

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

I’m not surprised. I imagine the thought of a positive influence in the lives of his children terrifies him.

– 2 Chicago Officers Relieved of Powers Since Death of Suspect

“Relieved of powers?” What an odd way of putting it. It’s almost as if the media has grabbed hold of a national narrative that seems to sell papers and decided to disproportionately fuel an issue that’s actually not nearly as bad as they have made it out to be or something. Weird.

editor’s note: Shit, really? Okay, guess I have to say it. I’m not anti cop. In fact, I’m VERY anti BAD cop. But, I’m also pro facts, and the fact is, FEWER people are killed by cops now than they were in the past. You want to cringe? Look at the stats from the 1970s. Is it an issue? Yep. Is it as dire as it seems? Nope. Is the media running with it because it’s so much easier to point to an authority figure instead of the thousands of citizen on citizen murders that are the real problem? Oh, no. No WAY they’d POSSIBLY do that.

– Latest Pokemon Go Worries: Sex Offenders

I can’t say I’m surprised. Look at Mewtwo. That ass is thick as fuu….

– 4 Simple Tricks To Beat The Heat…And If They Actually Work

What the hell kind of article is this? What even IS this bullshit? Have we really gotten so lazy as a society that we allow this type of “journalism” on a mainstream news site? I mean, this list could literally contain anything. “Stand in front of an open oven! It won’t work, but it’s something you could try.” My head hurts.

– This Test Will Make You Rethink Ice Cream

Do you like ice cream? If you answered “no”, then you probably should stop eating it. Thanks, Buzzfeed!

– Trump: I Wanted to ‘Hit’ Dems’ Convention Speakers

WHY IS ANYONE VOTING FOR THIS KINDERGARTENER!!!???

– Muslim Blasts Extremists At Friday Prayer With Christians

…perhaps not the best use of words, there.

– Russia Accuses Google Maps of ‘Topographical Cretinism’

BAHAHAHAHA!!! “Topographical Cretinism??” Oh, Russia. You so zany.

– Brussels Can Still Sweat the Small Stuff

You may be worry at your leisure, peons. So said Bloomberg, so shall it be done.

– North Korea Says Decision on Nuclear Tests Depends on US

Awww! The world’s second most annoying toddler wants some attention. It’s okay, Unie. We still know you’re a bad ass. Yes, who’s a wittle bad ass? You are. YOU are! Now go eat a cookie and let the grown ups talk.

– Report: Cops Mistake Krispy Kreme Glaze for Meth

So many questions, so little desire to actually have them answered. I’d much prefer to go with the scene in my head of a guy hoarding a baggie of glaze crumbles while Barney Fife freaks the hell out.

– Clinton Wooing Blue Collar Workers With Bus Tour

Then let the “blue collars” actually on to the bus to see your “humble” ride. The gauntlet has officially been thrown down, Hillary.

– Officials Encourage Travelers Not to Shun Florida for Zika

I’m with the officials here. If you’ve ever read the news, there are far more valid reasons to shun Florida than the off chance of getting a virus. Come on, people. Let’s keep it real.

– Don’t Play Pokemon Go on the Railroad Tracks, Bulgaria Says

Holy shit I never would have thought of this strategy. Thanks for the pro tip, Bulgaria.

– Pence Slams Obama: Politics Is No Place For ‘Name Calling’

Is this guy for real? I mean, is this guy literally a real human being? That’s an honest question. I NEED to know. He’s an android, right? Because there is no way in HELL a real person could possibly have the chutzpah to try and say this when Donald Trump’s name is on the same ticket.

– Her Shot: Clinton Share Vision of America Straight Out of ‘Hamilton’

I thought panders were rare? Didn’t I read somewhere that panders were getting scares in the wild? Maybe China could have some of ours. Seems we’ve got plenty to spare.

– Mass. Motorist Drives Up Utility Pole After Following GPS in Vermont

Cliches become cliches because they’re true…

*fistbump to New Englanders who understand*

– 4 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About GPS

1. GPS directions are difficult for Massachusetts drivers to understand…

– Facebook Agrees to Refunds for In-app Purchases By Minors

How magnanimous of them to follow the law. Gee, that Zuck is a real stand up guy.

– You Can Buy A Sentry Robot for Your Home

I. Need. This.

– Elon Musk Says You’ll Be Able to Decide Who Can Use Your Self-driving Car

Sooo….like a regular car, then?

– ‘Rain Bomb?’ Seriously? This is the Kind of Thing That Gives Weather Reporting a Bad Rap

Show of hands: Who would read an article about a “rain bomb”? Everyone’s hand is raised, Washington Post. Jealous much?

– Sony Releases Playstation VR Space Requirements: Is Your Room Big Enough?

*sniff* No. *sniff sniff* No it is not. *lone tear*

– Pokemon Go Can Help Address Psychological Disorders

Wait, what? No! That’s not actually what the research shows. In fact, it’s not even “research” so much as one doctor’s opinion! The game could possibly help in cases of mild depression or anxiety because it takes one’s mind off their problem…TEMPORARILY. Gawd I hate irresponsible headlines like this! Don’t stop taking your meds no matter WHAT Pikachu tells you!

– Yorkshire Wants its Own Emoji to Celebrate the County

Okay. Like, no one’s stopping you. Why do you feel the need to appeal to the masses for support through the media? Just…make one. Do you not know how this works, Yorkshire?

– Larry the Lobster, 110, Spared From the Pot, Died on the Way to Retirement

Candlelight vigil for Larry! Don’t mind me if I just put a pot of boiling water over my candle. Could I see Larry for a sec?

…too soon?

– Barack Obama: I Don’t Eat Exactly Seven Almonds Every Night

Someday when your grand kids ask where you were and what you were doing when you heard that President Barack Obama sometimes ate 9 whole almonds in ONE sitting, you can tell them about this moment we shared. I proud to be part of this with you, my friend. We’ll get through it together and come out as a stronger nation.

– ‘Donkey Whisperer’ Translates ‘Eee-aws’ Using Technology

I mean, I guess? Who’s going to refute it?

– Father Lets 8-year-old Twin Daughters Feed Pet Gator Pizza, Cookies

Do you see what I mean about Florida? #don’tsweatthevirus

– The Pokemon Go Baby Name Boom Has Arrived

I will punch you in the face if you name your kid Charmanda.

And finally, the headline of the day:

– Trammin’ In the Name of the Lord: Pope Takes A Ride

Trammin’.

In the name of the lord.

*sniff* Beautiful.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, July 30, 2016. The sun is up now and it’s still looking fairly miserable out there. Maybe it’ll clear off? Hopefully?? Or maybe it’ll just be another moist…

*DOOR SLAM*

…fair enough.

Advertisements

I’mma get right to the point today:

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Usually when I see headlines that crack me up or make me roll my eyes, I hop on here and have some sort of friendly – some may say rambling- intro. I’ll tell you about my cat, or my car, or my cat driving my car (boy, do I WISH I could say that!). I’ll give you a not-always-quick glance into my world as we work through the first sips of my horrendous coffee together.

Not today.

Today, we’re shaking things up. I’ve got no funny anecdotes. The silliest thing my cat did was puke all over the dining room THREE times, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that. Cars suck, but only slightly less than horses, and none of the kids has done anything we need to applaud or bitch about this week.

So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve already got the go-go dancers ready, the band had a last minute jam warm-up to drown out the radios NON-FRIGGIN-STOP Christmas music, and the coffee just finished growling. Should be safe to drink once the growling stops.

Grab a cup and a chair and buckle in for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*catchy theme music* *furious up-tempo jazz steps*

Aaaaaand…cut! Everyone give a quick round of applause for the ladies and the band. There you go. Off the stage. Go. NOW.

Yes, we’re doing a Roundup today. For those not in-the-know, the internet news sites are full of poorly worded or misleading headlines. Sometimes they make light of a serious situation. Sometimes, it’s as if the editor fell asleep on the keyboard they’re so confusing. And sometimes they just give this weirdo an unusual mental picture that my inner narcissist must share. As always, the headlines themselves are too legit. The commentary is what might make you want to quit.

Shall we begin?

“Do we have a choice?”

Absolutely not!

-Trump Adds New Target: Ted Cruz

So his hate list is now Mexicans, Muslims, and muppets. “M”ommy issues, Trump?

– Calif. Attacks Raise Fear of Jihadi Wife

Are…are they implying that your wife will secretly go behind your back and join ISIS? Because it really seems like they’re implying that people are legitimately concerned about this…

– Models Devour Buffalo Wings

NAW BITCH. You get pretty bras, cameras flashing on your perfect dimples, and your bunions treated on Prada’s dime after the photo shoot. I get chicken wings. I don’t venture into your world, you don’t cross the line into mine.

– Ultra Modern Homes Fit For the “Hunger Games”

In what way, exactly? They’re half-crumbling? The tax burden imposed by a tyrannical government means the residents will be in constant poverty? Terrified children hide in them??

– Foolproof Secrets to a Blissful Marriage

1. Don’t secretly join a radical terrorist group behind your husband’s back.

– 9 Reasons to Eat Walnuts Right Now

This article is unfairly biased against people who don’t have walnuts. I’m offended. Let’s launch a Twitter attack. #impossiblewalnutdreams

– Rude Behaviors You Can Get Away With in Other Countries

What?! NO!! And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re buffoons!

– Springsteen Fans Upset Over “River Tour” Ticket Prices

Brucey babe. Heart to heart…I know your dream is to have a Scrooge McDuck silo of gold you can swim in, but you’re missing the big picture here. Somehow, against all odds and every sense of reason in this universe, you STILL HAVE FANS. Cool it on the pool of gold and throw those poor saps a bone.

– Funerals for 14 Killed in California Massacre Begin Somberly

Uh…were we expecting something different?

– Syrian Refugees Greeted Warmly in Canada

Yay Canada! It’s got to be awful hard to be so chill in the face of such a global hot button issue. I wonder what their secret is?

– Going to Pot? Canada Leads the Way in Legalizing Marijuana

…oh. Well. That clears things up.

– Diplomatic Pressures Force Syria Opposition to Table

“That’s it! I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can no longer pretend to support this office’s choice of marble top in the conference room. We should have gone with mahogany and if I were a stronger man, I would have said so at the time. There. *sigh* I feel so free.”

– Tokyo Deploys Drones that Use Nets to Capture Drones

We’ve done it. We’ve trained our AI to truly act like humans and defeat their own race. We can pat ourselves on the back as we bow before our new robot overlords.

– Trump a “Disgrace” Saudi Billionaire Says

Yup.

– Donald Trump’s Name Torn off Dubai Golf Course

Yeah, I’d say that’s on par.

NO I WON’T TAKE IT BACK. You knew this was a pun-friendly environment when you signed up. Don’t act all butt-hurt about it now.

– Syria’s Assad Buying “A Great Deal” of ISIS Oil, US Official Says

“And I’m like, what gives, Assa-hat? We called dibs on that oil…”

– Angola’s Global Host of World Environment Day 2016 and its Elephant Population

This is the discussion in the meeting before the publication of this article: “They’re hosting the environmental thing, but that’s not enough to get people to click. We need a human interest side to this story. Bill, if I say “Angola”, what pops in your head?” “Uh…sweaters?” And after much grumbling because Bill is utterly USELESS and would have gotten the ax a long time ago if he weren’t the EIC’s nephew, someone came up with the elephant idea. People like elephants. And they probably live in Angola, right? “Are the elephants wearing sweaters? Cus that’d be sick, brah.” *sigh* Sure Bill. The elephants can be wearing the sweaters. *rolly eyes*

– Farm Worker Accused of “Maliciously” Killing 4 Chickens

Unless you plan on lopping the head off, dipping the thing in boiling water while it’s still thrashing, violently pulling out all the feathers, then spilling its guts on the ground before feasting on its meaty flesh the humane way, leave those chickens alone.

*editor’s note: We here at the Muse are very pro-flesh dining. I wasn’t banging the vegetarian drum. I was merely pointing out the rank hypocrisy of a chicken farmer getting offended at the killing of his chickens. Put down the PETA t-shirt. I don’t want one.

– From A Risky Space Walk to the Top of Mt. Everest

That seems to be the wrong order to me. I know people lose their shit over Everest, but c’mon. Sherpas have been climbing it for ages. There are permanent camps set up for people to take a month long climbing break. It’s got LADDERS chained to the rock walls! Ladder-laden mountain vs. muthafreakin’ SPACE. Priorities, folks.

– How Technology is Redefining the Afterlife

Spoiler: it isn’t.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

Oh. Well then. I stand corrected.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

I can just imagine how many dead zones there will be.

…face it, you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t.

– Twitter Expands Ads to Reach Users Who Didn’t Log In

Twitter, you’re getting creepy. #stopstalkingme,twitthole

– Bright Spots on Ceres Aren’t Aliens Afterall

Fuckin’ duh. We never said they were. Clearly lights aren’t aliens. What we SAID was that the lights were CREATED by aliens, and frankly, your evasion of the facts just bolsters my opinion. LIFE ON CERES!!

“Twitter: @BethReason Didn’t you mean #lifeonCeres? :P”

Ew Twitter stop. I’ve got mace.

– See Saturn’s Funky “Potato” Moon

Yes please!

– How Fallout 4 Took Over My Life– And Gave Me A New One

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

– Squishing Baby’s Faces is Japan’s Latest Social Media Trend

Why can’t I muster up either confused outrage at the antics, or sympathy for the mush-faced babies? Curse you, internet. You have jaded me.

– British Cops Search for Hoverboard Riding Robber

Shouldn’t take long. They just have to look for the pile of ash. OH YEAH hoverboard makers! Need a little aloe for that sick burn?!

No, seriously. Take the aloe. We heard about your inability to stop your products from exploding and are legitimately worried for you.

– Wild Boar in Germany Adopted By Herd of Cattle

Oh, stop. Who are you to judge what makes a family a family? It’s not just “Adam and Eve” anymore. Sometimes it’s “Hoven and Cleaved”.

*Drops mic*

*dons sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a brief Roundup for Saturday, December 12, 2015. I need to work on car wiring today. I feel I should have e.e.cummings-ed that statement, and said it with all the apathy I could be bothered to muster. Let’s try that again.

the car wires  rip at my soul with their uselessness

                                            and yet i find myself

                                             loath to fix them

perhaps a fairy will enter the engine compartment

                                          and make the effort to sort

                                          the frayed ends of my life

or maybe

it won’t

An eerie sounds rolls through the cold, dark house…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

If you were sitting in my house right now, you’d be breaking out the ghost hunting supplies. There are spooky, eerie moans coming from the other room. It sounds like a tortured soul trying desperately to make contact with anyone who can right the injustices of his former life so he can finally traverse the mist and enter the white light.

Oooooh. Scary.

In actuality, it’s simply one of the teens. He sleep groans. It’s kinda like talking in his sleep, only far more hilarious. At times like this, he sounds like a ghost. Think hokey sheet with two eyes cut out and banal level prankster underneath waving his arms and saying “wooo-oooo-oooo”. It’s exactly like that. At other times, he sounds like a chain saw in the distance. He’ll start really low, then go up in pitch, then back down.

See? Comedy gold.

His teen roomie doesn’t find it so funny. But that one snores, so I don’t really think he’s got a leg to stand on.

Say, remember when I went to the uppity dump the other day? Well, I went again yesterday.

“Hoping to hear more about Hillary, Bethie?”

Nope. I’m excavating a closet I haven’t touched in probably six, maybe even seven years, and who knows how long it’s been since I’ve been all the way to the floor? We’re talking cretaceous period, folks. I’ll let you know if I find fossils.

ANYWAY, I went back to the transfer station with a load of cardboard for recycling. I dumped it in the container, then broke down the box I carried it all in to add to the recycling bin. A snotty ass woman comes up to me and said, “It was good of you to break down the box first and be considerate of others. Good for you.”

Let me paint the picture. She had a stack of six tupperware totes by her car. Each tote was labeled. Each label was written in loopy cursive. The labels were laminated.

The woman herself was probably around my age. She wore a pink vest even though it was only 30 degrees. She had fingerless gloves on. She wore a sweatband as an ear warmer. Clearly this is a woman who has completion issues.

Before she approached me, she was sorting her recycling, which was silly, since it was already sorted and cursively-labeled. Trust me. Anyone who takes the time to loop and twirl the esses in “glass” has then filled said container with the intended material. So what she was actually doing was making a show of looking like she was sorting her recycling.

“Look at me!” she all but screamed. “I care so much about the environment that I refuse to waste material on silly things like fingertips on my gloves or sleeves! And I don’t just recycle…I DOUBLE recycle!”

You know the type.

And then to turn around and be condescending to me? Gah. What a self-righteous *grumble**mutter*… People like that really piss me off. I get it, lady. You’re recycling. Good for you. Want a fucking medal or something?

No, wait. She doesn’t get the medal. I get the medal in that scenario because unlike her, I brought my recycling to the dump in a recyclable container.

“OOOOOOHHHH!!!”

WUT. *drops the mic*

…*pics mic back up, brushes it off*

Seriously. What a douche.

I was also bemoaning the lack of interesting/joke-worthy headlines when we last spoke. Apparently the internet heard me and responded loud and clear. Or maybe it was just the full moon. Whatever caused it, I’m happy to say….

Strike up the band!

*catchy theme music playing in a minor chord to indicate that it’s almost Halloween*

Oooh! Nice twist! Okay, cue the go-go dancers!

*ladies come out zombie-style, lurching across the stage to the eerie beat*

I am LOVING this! Can we do it every day? …no? Okay, well, then, let’s enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s time for a….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***

*spooky unresolved chord at the end* *zombies all moan “Brains”*

Bravo! Brava! Brav…whatever you say for a zombie! Everyone give that five-star performance a round of applause!

Yes, it’s time for a Roundup. For those who might not know, a Headline Roundup is exactly that. I scour the internet for news headlines that strike my fancy and round them up. Maybe they’re poorly written. Maybe they’re confusing or misleading. Or maybe the editor did the best with a bizarre situation and they leave you with a vague sense of “WTF?” They’re treasures, every one. And like always, they are 100% real. I just supply the wise-assery after. Those are the rules. Step on up and let’s play!

– Victim of UConn Mac and Cheese Tirade Says He Does Not Accept Apology

In fairness, do you know how cutting mac and cheese can be? Some side dishes take it way too far.

– Massachusetts Witch Takes Warlock to Court Over Harassment Charges

Now that’s a sign of progress. Wasn’t that long ago witches weren’t that keen on stepping foot in a courthouse.

– Possible Carcinogen Seeps into Well from Animal Burial Ground

“…homeowners were told immediately to stop drinking the water.” THEY WERE DRINKING THE WATER!!!! ZOMG

– Celebrity Fears, Phobias Revealed

Because the one thing modern celebs absolutely needed was another way for people to torture them over the internet.

– Owner Hears ‘Kaboom’, Finds Car on Roof of Michigan Home

Pea shooter –> potato gun –> punkin’ chunker –> automobile cannon… What did you expect? It’s basic evolution, folks.

– How to Survive Daylight Savings Time and Shorter Days

Finally, a way not to die every single year.

– What Your Least Favorite Chore Says About You

It says doing chores sucks. Does this really need to be an article?

– Environmentalists Warn Snow Leopard Could ‘Vanish’

They’ll melt from the global warming.

– Trump Begs Iowa Voters For Support

And so the desperation phase of the election cycle begins…

– Homeowners Faced with Big Bills to Fix Dams Deemed Unsafe

That’s what happens when you try and upstage the Joneses. Trust me, stick with a moat. Way less upkeep.

– Deer Looking for Love Collide with Cars Instead

Dammit Michigan! Stop firing the auto cannon at the stag clubs right now!

– Prep School Kid and Sis Robbed Drug Dealers

Moral…compass…going…haywire…

– Black Market Butt Fillers Ruined Her Life

…gonna be honest. Once again, I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not to feel bad for anyone in this scenario. You’re confusing me today, MSN.

– Tractor Beam Uses Holograms Made of Sound to Move Objects

YASSSSSSS.

– Rare, Earth-Bound Space Junk Offers Rare Opportunity for Scientists

Oh sure. It’s a “rare opportunity” when THEY go through a pile of junk, but it’s “hoarding” when I do it. Pfft. Double standard much?

– A Scientist Built an AI Computer to Figure Out How to Take Better Selfies

FIRED. You are now officially FIRED FROM SCIENCE. Please pack your bags and head to the bubble gum pop section of humanity immediately.

– Dog Named Trigger Shoots Owner

A woman walks into the bar. She slaps her hand on the counter and says, “I’m lookin’ for the paw that shot my man.”

– Annoying Teddy Bear Sings Until You Destroy It

Heh heh heh. It honestly does. It sings a high pitched, awful version of the birthday song until you actually physically break it. Where can I buy one?

– Singing Teddy Bear Draws Ire, Outrage

The gist is that people believe that creating a bear that must be destroyed is going to turn kids into serial killers. Damn. Looks like they might not be on store shelves anytime soon. Bummer. I had such plans…

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

My guess is that it was savvy enough to get to the head of the line at the life boats promptly to secure a seat.

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

…ya know, reading the headline again, unless you saw the photo of an actual saltine-like cracker, one might easily take this as a really cutting jab against all the wealthy folks who were given priority on the life boats over the rest of the passengers…

– Chewbacca Arrested for Driving Darth Vader to the Polls

CHEWIE NOOOO!!!! How could you switch sides?

– Missing Cat Found With Wine Hangover

…how do they know it was wine?

– Russian Police Find Half a Ton of Caviar in Speeding Hearse

Of course they did.

– Student Scores in Reading, Math Drop

Your common core, not hard at work.

– Two People Dead After Explosion At Oregon Gun Range

People died at a gun range? What is this world coming to.

– We Can’t Eat Our Way Out of the Invasive Species Crisis

Duly noted.

– Ford Responds to Trump: ‘Facts Are Stubborn Things’

Oh snap. Need a little aloe for that burn, Trump?

– Ex-cop Gets Year in Jail for Asking to Lick Woman’s Feet

Texas, not Florida. Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.

– Idaho Agency Finds Historic Footage of Parachuting Beavers

I KNEW IT. They tried to cover it up, but I friggin’ knew it! You watch. Area 51 footage is next. #thanksSnowden

– Feds: Company Put Cheddar, Swiss in “Real” Parmesan, Romano

Holy shit. No wonder the mac ‘n cheese was so testy. I guess we learned a valuable lesson here. There’s always another side to the story.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, October 28, 2015. Costume making today. I’ve only got one to make this year, and he wants to be the Grim Reaper. You know, keep it light and happy this Halloween. I’ve got an old rusty sickle I think I can turn into a kickass scythe, but I’m on the fence about coating it in fake blood or glowing paint to make it eerie…hm…

The spooky twang of a theremin can mean only one thing…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

“Uh, you feeling okay, Bethie?”

Yeah.

“You sure?”

…yeeeaaah. I’m fine. Why?

Wait. Do you know something I don’t know? Should I be feeling *not* okay?!? Now that you mention it, I am getting a bit sweaty. And one eyelid seems a bit poofier than the other. *gulp* Oh no. Oh m’gawd. I think my throat is feeling itchy and tickly. Yes, yes it’s definitely starting to feel itchy. It’s getting harder to breathe.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?? TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW.

“…whoa. I was just wondering why you’re sitting down for another chit chat. This will be the third this week.”

*gulp* You mean I don’t have parvo?

“I don’t even think people can get parvo.”

Holy crap, dude. Don’t scare me like that! Gah. Now I’ve got heart palpitations!

*deep breath* *muttering mantra* *ironic sip of turbo caffeinated coffee*

I’m writing so much now for a few reasons, and none of them have anything to do with disease. The kiddies are back at school. This leaves me bored and lonely. My two best emotions for getting shit done happen to be boredom and loneliness.

The weather’s finally getting cooler. I’m a biggun. Bigguns don’t do well in the heat. I used to tell people I deep fried from the inside out, but to be honest, no one really thought it was funny but me. They’d get horrified looks on their faces and back away slowly. I suppose that’s why I babble on the internet instead of perform gigs in comedy clubs.

And the last reason I keep harassing you is that I’ve got a new keyboard. Remember that keyboard frying incident? Oh, you know. A few weeks back I gave my keyboard a coffee bath. You might think a coffee bath for a keyboard would give similar results to a milk bath for beautiful skin. You’d be wrong. Electronics don’t seem to appreciate moisturization.

Now, for about 20 years, I’ve exclusively used a split keyboard, where half of the letters are over this way, and the other over that. However, we couldn’t find a damn split keyboard anywhere locally and didn’t want to wait for the shipping. We decided to pick up a cheap interim keyboard, but the man went and got all fancy, so now the interim has a permanent position. Er, at least until I host another electronics spa day.

Anyway, the new keyboard is still technically an ergonomic one, but the keys wave instead of split. The only way I’m going to retrain my muscle memory is to keep hunting and pecking and hitting “k” every damn time I want to hit “j” until my fingers get it.

I’m getting much, much better. It still feels like I’m a little kid walking around in my mum’s high heels, but at least I can make it to the other side of the metaphorical room without landing on my face.

I need to hone my skills on this peripheral. The cooler weather and quieter abode is making me itch to wrap up the loose ends of a few books I’ve got percolating, one of which I honestly intended to be out in late spring.

So, in a nutshell, I’m bugging you constantly right now because I’m bored, lonely, and need practice.

“Gee, thanks.”

Aw, don’t be like that! Consider it payback for you trying to convince me I had parvo.

Now, I need to type. You need to have coffee and be entertained. I have the news pages open, and I think I hear the band tuning their theremins. The go-go dancers put on some ballet shoes, though everyone knows you should *tap* to theremin music, but who am I to tell them how to do their craft? Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I think we all need a little….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*eerie theme music* *poignant echappe* *extra vibrato on the finish*

Wow. I stand corrected. *wipes tear* I had no idea the Roundup into could be so moving. Brava ladies, brava.

Now that we’ve been invigorated with the passion of art, let’s begin. For those who might be Roundup novices, here’s the deal. Sometimes a headline catches my eye. It may be poorly worded, misleading, or just generally imagination-inducing. I gather them up and share them with you…with comments. Every headline is 100% legitimate. I just supply the graceful flourish after. Here we go.

– Clintons Paid Man for Server Work

Heh heh. Chumps. Who pays for tech support anymore?

– Annual Pillow Fight Turns Bloody

“Oh…oh, were we not supposed to put bricks in the pillow cases? My bad.”

– Teen Trapped in School Safe Saved

Then it is a very aptly named piece of equipment. Good thing he didn’t get trapped in the school peril.

– R-Patz: It’s The “Worst Insult” to Mistake Me for an American

America’s not that crazy about it either, you sparkly asshole.

– Weekend Legal Setback for Cosby

Easy way to avoid that, Bill. Stop raping people.

– How We Eat Bacon Around the World

*raised eyebrow*…orally, I hope.

– Apostolic Church Fuels Clerk’s Gay Marriage Fight

Oh. I had no idea she worked for a church. I’m not sure she’s clear on the finer points of her employers, either.

-KY Clerk’s Attorney: Marriage Licenses for Gays are Void

Aw, no fair! Why does a lawyer get to void marriages at a whim but I wasn’t allowed to void my parking ticket? If he gets to arbitrarily change laws, I wanna do it, too!

– GOP Candidates Rush to Support KY Clerk

You know, with the huge pile of candidates to sort through this election cycle, it’s good that we’ve got instances like this to help clearly define the riffraff.

– KY Clerk Refuses to Back Down, No Resolution in Sight

…okay, look. The coverage of this is getting out of control. The clerk broke the law. You cannot work for the GOVERNMENT and use your RELIGION to decide how you serve the PUBLIC. Period. Our entire country was founded on that one principle. It’s law, plain and simple. Don’t want to follow the law? That’s up to you. But YOU do not get to decide MY rights because of YOUR religion. Period. End of discussion.

– Hope for Equality Crusaders in KY as…
I SAID END OF FUCKING DISCUSSION.

– Why is McDonald’s Finally Offering All-day Breakfast?

Better question: why are people so obsessed with all-day breakfast? And why do all-day breakfasters always feel the need to tell you they enjoy pancakes in the afternoon? Why do I need to know this? Things to ponder, folks.

– 43% of US Homes at High Risk from Natural Disasters

What a bizarre statistic.

– Massive Rock Threatening to Crash into Base of Arizona Dam

“Oh. I see you’ve got a nice dam going on here. Looks like it’s doing what? Holding millions of gallons of water back from drowning small towns, is it? Hm. We seem to find ourselves in an interesting situation then. I want to escape the quarry, you’ve got a beautiful, shiny dam… It’s such a nice dam. It would be a shame if something happened to it.”

– Oregon Judge Refuses to Perform Same-sex Marriages

Don’t you start with that shit, too, Oregon! I thought we had something special…?

– Bears Spotted in and Around Denver Searching for Food

They nudged the Broncos out of the way, who were also spotted in and around Denver searching for a win.

…sorry, Colorado. I could not pass it up this close to football season. You understand.

– Elusive Fla. Cobra Ignites Social Media as Search Continues

His latest Tweet said: “I was RIGHT over your head, @flstatetroopers. You’re not even making this hard!! #nowondercriminalsgetaway #suckit #nevergonnafindme”

– Soulless Banker in Topless Spar

I didn’t bother reading the article because I want to keep my belief that old, pasty bankers with no rhythm threw down over the last free lollipop. It makes me happy to believe that actually happened.

– Wildfires Take Toll on Hunting Season

Probably the absolute LEAST important impact of a massive wildfire.

– Black Bear “Army Unit” Surrounds Russian Town

Admit it. I am not the only one right now who thinks there’s a better than fair chance that Putin has actually weaponized bears.

– Amazon Hiring for New Restaurant Division in Seattle, NYC

“Your search for: egg yolk ravioli found 23 new and 52 used offers from 75 sellers. Refine your search?”

– Amazon Hiring for New Restaurant Division in Seattle, NYC

Do you think they’ll deliver food with drones, too? Literal cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

…I couldn’t decide which one to go with, so you got a bonus.

– Arab World’s Richest Nations Offer Little Help

I want to say something about the governments…but then you’ll take it to be about the everyday folks because I KNOW how the internet works…and I’ll get email…and stumble and try to explain, but it’ll be too late because, DUH, INTERNET…and then there will be a cloud hanging over us… Let’s just leave any wise cracks about the governments of the Arab nations in question unspoken.

– Migrants Stream into Austria, Swept West by Overwhelmed Hungary

I’m dying to share puns, but that would probably be misconstrued, too. You’re killin’ me here, MSN. You really are.

– As Officers are Gunned Down, Police Feel Under Attack

Huh. What an odd reaction to being shot at. Can you say persecution complex? Yikes.

– Crowded House! International Crew Arrives at Space Station

Ain’t no party like an international space station party cuz and international space station party don’t stop…unless an outside catalyst applies enough force upon the international space station to overcome the effect of it’s current momentum.

Put that to a beat and you’ve got a hit.

– See What the Oldest Surviving Kodak Camera Looks Like Today

Frankly- and this might be a bit of a spoiler, so consider yourself warned- I think he’s really let himself go. Botox isn’t just for women, you know. But that’s just my opinion.

– 3D Printed Tiny Fish Could Be Used for Drug Delivery

WTF? Wall Street Journal, are you high?

– Feds Using “Stingrays” to Spy on Cell Phones?

Why not? Russia’s using bears to invade villages.

– What the Evolution of Fire Can Teach us About Climate Change

Fire does not evolve. It is the same now as it was a million years ago. I hate bullshit “science” that is done by hipsters who want to sound like they know what they’re talking about in their desperate attempt to justify fake glasses and ironic pocket protectors. You’re not fooling anyone, hipsters. Back away from science and go sip your Pabst in the corner before you break something.

– Baby Delivered in Uber Car By Lincoln Tunnel

That’s a very talented tunnel.

– The Strange Practice of “Gnoming”

I don’t want to know. You don’t want to know. I guarantee our lives are better if we remain in the dark on this one.

– Man Escapes Fire, Talks About Saving his BBQ Ribs

Oh, ‘Merica.

– In the Future, Your Hot Dogs Might Be Made of Trees

You ate the brownies at the Wall Street Journal party, didn’t you, Newsweek?

– Cops Fire 84 Shots at Robbery Suspect, Hit Him Once

That’s some Grand Theft Auto bullshit right there.

– Biden’s Wife May Share His Misgivings About Another Race

I really feel like the editor should have added “For Office” at the end. Just to clarify things.

– Gov. Brown Prohibits Ban on Artificial Lawns as Voter Turnout Bill Advances

I feel like this news site just took to random, vaguely political topics and mashed them together. What in the hell does astroturf have to do with voter turnout?

– Campaign Manager Doesn’t Even Try to Manage Trump

The No Shit Gazette is back in full swing.

– New Hampshire Town Celebrates Notable ’65 UFO Citing

Bahaha! What idiots! A UFO celebration in New…

Oh… That said New Hampshire? I thought it said New JERSEY. Heh heh. *gulp*

Well. This got awkward.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, September 5, 2015. Today is Teen Prime’s b-day. Alas, he is spending the day with his dad’s fam. *sniff* I did not get to make my baby a b-day breakfast. I’ll just have to be doubly annoying when I see him tomorrow!