How many times can I say ‘moist’ before you just can’t take it anymore?


Mornin’ all.

We got some rain last night. I’m hoping that it’ll break this heat wave, but at the moment, it looks like it just made things more moist out there.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but the air is moist. Warm and…moist.

“Ew, Bethie. Stop saying that word.”

Can’t. There isn’t a word more appropriate for the ickiness. Walking outside yesterday was like walking into a limp, warm, moist sponge.

And now, though cooler, it’s so moist out that the light from the street lamp at the end of my drive is struggling to illuminate anything else. There’s a dense, moist miasma hanging around and…

*squeak of chair*

Wait. Where are you going?

“I’m out.”

Okay okay! I’ll stop saying it!

“*quirks the eyebrow of dubiousness*”

I promise. Besides, you don’t want to leave today. I have some delicious cake to share. Look at it. Smell it. Mmmmm. It’s not a bit dry, either. In fact, one might say it’s…


…at the peak of freshness!




Come on. Sit back down and have a slice. I was only playing. You wouldn’t want to leave anyway. I’ve got the band ready to go and I thought we’d…

“*plunks down in the chair**grabs a slice of cake* Stop grossing me out already and get to the…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

You jumped the gun, man. No one was ready! The band blew the intro, and the dancers legs all got tangled. Look, I know I owe you for the whole m-word debacle, but just sit there and eat your cake and let me run this, okay?

“*waves fork in my general direction*”

Philipe? Could you be a lamb and put down your tuba to help untangle the ladies? I think the rhinestones on their fishnets got twisted together. Thanks.

Okay, now that the cluster of dancers is in Philipe’s capable hands, let’s get to the Roundup. For those who don’t know, the world itself has become entwined and tangled. Every day the news seems more and more horrible. However, once in awhile, there are headlines that crack me up. Like the streetlamp outside my window, these beacons of ridiculousness shine through the moistness of society.

“…Actually, I’ll allow that one. Continue.”

Thank you.

Sometimes the headlines are dumb. Sometimes they’re poorly worded. But more often or not, they just give me a mental image or a gut reaction I feel I need to share. As always, the headlines themselves are completely real. I just supply the snark.

Everyone up to speed? Excellent. Let’s get into it…

– Trump to Clinton: ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

I missed Mr. Nice Guy? When was Mr. Nice Guy?!?

– Doherty Breaks Down Over Breast Cancer Battle

Pfft. Weak. Suck it up, Shannon!

editor’s note: Sarcasm, people. The tone of the article was snarky and sassy, as if a woman battling breast cancer has no right to get upset about it. Sarcasm, the second best -asm there is.

editor’s note about previous editorial note: I didn’t make that line up. I saw it on a t shirt and it always stuck with me. Heh.

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

Holy shit stop the presses!!! Trump and Clinton AGREE on something!!

– Trump: I Wish Ivanka and Chelsea Weren’t Friends

I’m not surprised. I imagine the thought of a positive influence in the lives of his children terrifies him.

– 2 Chicago Officers Relieved of Powers Since Death of Suspect

“Relieved of powers?” What an odd way of putting it. It’s almost as if the media has grabbed hold of a national narrative that seems to sell papers and decided to disproportionately fuel an issue that’s actually not nearly as bad as they have made it out to be or something. Weird.

editor’s note: Shit, really? Okay, guess I have to say it. I’m not anti cop. In fact, I’m VERY anti BAD cop. But, I’m also pro facts, and the fact is, FEWER people are killed by cops now than they were in the past. You want to cringe? Look at the stats from the 1970s. Is it an issue? Yep. Is it as dire as it seems? Nope. Is the media running with it because it’s so much easier to point to an authority figure instead of the thousands of citizen on citizen murders that are the real problem? Oh, no. No WAY they’d POSSIBLY do that.

– Latest Pokemon Go Worries: Sex Offenders

I can’t say I’m surprised. Look at Mewtwo. That ass is thick as fuu….

– 4 Simple Tricks To Beat The Heat…And If They Actually Work

What the hell kind of article is this? What even IS this bullshit? Have we really gotten so lazy as a society that we allow this type of “journalism” on a mainstream news site? I mean, this list could literally contain anything. “Stand in front of an open oven! It won’t work, but it’s something you could try.” My head hurts.

– This Test Will Make You Rethink Ice Cream

Do you like ice cream? If you answered “no”, then you probably should stop eating it. Thanks, Buzzfeed!

– Trump: I Wanted to ‘Hit’ Dems’ Convention Speakers


– Muslim Blasts Extremists At Friday Prayer With Christians

…perhaps not the best use of words, there.

– Russia Accuses Google Maps of ‘Topographical Cretinism’

BAHAHAHAHA!!! “Topographical Cretinism??” Oh, Russia. You so zany.

– Brussels Can Still Sweat the Small Stuff

You may be worry at your leisure, peons. So said Bloomberg, so shall it be done.

– North Korea Says Decision on Nuclear Tests Depends on US

Awww! The world’s second most annoying toddler wants some attention. It’s okay, Unie. We still know you’re a bad ass. Yes, who’s a wittle bad ass? You are. YOU are! Now go eat a cookie and let the grown ups talk.

– Report: Cops Mistake Krispy Kreme Glaze for Meth

So many questions, so little desire to actually have them answered. I’d much prefer to go with the scene in my head of a guy hoarding a baggie of glaze crumbles while Barney Fife freaks the hell out.

– Clinton Wooing Blue Collar Workers With Bus Tour

Then let the “blue collars” actually on to the bus to see your “humble” ride. The gauntlet has officially been thrown down, Hillary.

– Officials Encourage Travelers Not to Shun Florida for Zika

I’m with the officials here. If you’ve ever read the news, there are far more valid reasons to shun Florida than the off chance of getting a virus. Come on, people. Let’s keep it real.

– Don’t Play Pokemon Go on the Railroad Tracks, Bulgaria Says

Holy shit I never would have thought of this strategy. Thanks for the pro tip, Bulgaria.

– Pence Slams Obama: Politics Is No Place For ‘Name Calling’

Is this guy for real? I mean, is this guy literally a real human being? That’s an honest question. I NEED to know. He’s an android, right? Because there is no way in HELL a real person could possibly have the chutzpah to try and say this when Donald Trump’s name is on the same ticket.

– Her Shot: Clinton Share Vision of America Straight Out of ‘Hamilton’

I thought panders were rare? Didn’t I read somewhere that panders were getting scares in the wild? Maybe China could have some of ours. Seems we’ve got plenty to spare.

– Mass. Motorist Drives Up Utility Pole After Following GPS in Vermont

Cliches become cliches because they’re true…

*fistbump to New Englanders who understand*

– 4 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About GPS

1. GPS directions are difficult for Massachusetts drivers to understand…

– Facebook Agrees to Refunds for In-app Purchases By Minors

How magnanimous of them to follow the law. Gee, that Zuck is a real stand up guy.

– You Can Buy A Sentry Robot for Your Home

I. Need. This.

– Elon Musk Says You’ll Be Able to Decide Who Can Use Your Self-driving Car

Sooo….like a regular car, then?

– ‘Rain Bomb?’ Seriously? This is the Kind of Thing That Gives Weather Reporting a Bad Rap

Show of hands: Who would read an article about a “rain bomb”? Everyone’s hand is raised, Washington Post. Jealous much?

– Sony Releases Playstation VR Space Requirements: Is Your Room Big Enough?

*sniff* No. *sniff sniff* No it is not. *lone tear*

– Pokemon Go Can Help Address Psychological Disorders

Wait, what? No! That’s not actually what the research shows. In fact, it’s not even “research” so much as one doctor’s opinion! The game could possibly help in cases of mild depression or anxiety because it takes one’s mind off their problem…TEMPORARILY. Gawd I hate irresponsible headlines like this! Don’t stop taking your meds no matter WHAT Pikachu tells you!

– Yorkshire Wants its Own Emoji to Celebrate the County

Okay. Like, no one’s stopping you. Why do you feel the need to appeal to the masses for support through the media? Just…make one. Do you not know how this works, Yorkshire?

– Larry the Lobster, 110, Spared From the Pot, Died on the Way to Retirement

Candlelight vigil for Larry! Don’t mind me if I just put a pot of boiling water over my candle. Could I see Larry for a sec?

…too soon?

– Barack Obama: I Don’t Eat Exactly Seven Almonds Every Night

Someday when your grand kids ask where you were and what you were doing when you heard that President Barack Obama sometimes ate 9 whole almonds in ONE sitting, you can tell them about this moment we shared. I proud to be part of this with you, my friend. We’ll get through it together and come out as a stronger nation.

– ‘Donkey Whisperer’ Translates ‘Eee-aws’ Using Technology

I mean, I guess? Who’s going to refute it?

– Father Lets 8-year-old Twin Daughters Feed Pet Gator Pizza, Cookies

Do you see what I mean about Florida? #don’tsweatthevirus

– The Pokemon Go Baby Name Boom Has Arrived

I will punch you in the face if you name your kid Charmanda.

And finally, the headline of the day:

– Trammin’ In the Name of the Lord: Pope Takes A Ride


In the name of the lord.

*sniff* Beautiful.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, July 30, 2016. The sun is up now and it’s still looking fairly miserable out there. Maybe it’ll clear off? Hopefully?? Or maybe it’ll just be another moist…


…fair enough.

Another year without a nuclear meltdown has got to be making them rethink the calendars…


Mornin’ all.

We done went and had ourselves a bit of winter this week. It was sleeting so hard that when I got up the other day that it sounded like a pipe had broken. I had a momentary flashback to last years’ Pipes of Hell winter production before I got a grip and realized that it was a balmy 30 degrees, and the water was coming down from above, not up from below.

I took a look outside. A couple inches of snow, then ice pellets as far as the eye could see. What an awful mess! Fortunately for us, no one had anywhere they needed to go. Kids were home from school, man was home from work. There wasn’t a single reason any of us had to go out.

So of course we went out.

…what? Oh come on. It’s a New England tradition. The plows had already come through, so we weren’t clogging up the roads and getting in their way, and there was almost no traffic. As soon as you can, you get in your car and chug the mile to the local grocery store to make sure every other redneck congregated there still agrees with your assessment that winter is wicked fahkin’ shitty. It’s just what you do. I don’t make the rules, people.

Besides, we were low on milk. Not quite out, but low enough that the morning joe would be tan, not khaki. Couldn’t have that first world problem, now could I? I mean, I chipped a nail this week, too. There’s only so much one person can take.

We’re halfway through the kids’ holiday break. For the most part, it’s been pretty smooth. They needed to clean their rooms to make space for fresh inventory after Christmas. I remember when that meant they played with the rediscovered toys while I sat buried under the heaps of long forgotten treasures, desperately trying to throw out the crap that the kids only suddenly NEEDED because it was time for it to go.

Now, even the littlest pup is old enough to mostly guide himself in cleaning.

I’m not saying I don’t have a couple in the litter who show the same hoarding tendencies I possess. Sometimes I’ll catch the pup sneaking a broken toy under the bed. “What’s that?” I’ll say. “I can fix it,” he’ll protest. “Put it in the trash before you end up with an hour long TLC special,” I’ll tell him, carefully creasing my brow in practiced parental consternation.

Aside from cleaning, it’s been mellow and game-filled. They are my little flock of geeks and got some cool games for Christmas. And while they got out and played before the shit weather rolled in, I can’t say any of them seemed the least bit disappointed to discover that Mother Nature made sure their time was free for digital adventuring.

Pokemons explored caves. Isaacs were…bound? I’m sorry, I don’t really know how that game works. Brain puzzles were solved, and, if the excited tittering wafting from the teen lair was any indication, large battleships were thwarted.

Looks like they’ll have that same kind of morning again today, at least. It’s raining and the snow/ice is getting a fresh, glossy glaze. Hey, I suppose I can’t complain. I mean, it’s the first real sign of winter, and it’s almost 2016.

Can you believe it? Another year out. Pfft, just like that. Seems like I cracked open my free 2015 calendar the nuclear power plant sends to all the folks that live in the potential fallout zone just yesterday.

…true story. Got next year’s unusual bribe all ready to hang in the morning. If the plant ever blows, at least I’ll have the warm memories of all the free calendars they sent over the years to temper my anger at their incompetence and give me comfort. Well, the warm memories and the literal warmth of the radiation…

It’s that time of year again when we look back and reflect on the old shitstorm we’re leaving behind before our hungover asses wake up to the first misting sprays of the new one. Everyone’s recapping the year as only the internet can.

Most sites are linking their favorite lists by category. The news this year was, by and large, fairly bleak. I’m looking through these lists of murders and scandals and jihads and arrests and it’s depressing as hell. There was a link on MSN to the “20 Cutest Internet Cats of 2015.” I was thinking that would take the sting off the hell hole we’re in and clicked on it. True to their word, some of the kitties really did have squiffy wiffy faces. I was feeling more positive until I clicked on the last cat. The last cat on the list looked like Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is now ruining the palate-cleansing ability of internet kittehs. Screw you, Donald Trump. #generalmessageof2015

Then there are the usual lists of celebrity lives that ended in the course of the year. The entertainment sections have lists of actors and singers that shuffled off this mortal coil. The sports section listed “7 Sports Heroes You’ll Miss Next Year.” What a set up articles like that are. I didn’t even know these people existed until you told me, and then as soon as I find out about them, you tell me they died. I was in a world of blissful ignorance before. Any emptiness and loss I now feel for heroes I will never get to know is completely your fault, sports writers. Screw you, too.

Science and tech sections also have their loss articles, but no one reads them. I think that’s probably sadder than the fabricated depression from the sports writers. This keyboard I’m typing on could have been invented by someone who died this year, and I’ll never know. I mean, I *could* know, I guess. I just won’t.

Hey, at least I’m honest.

Aside from the news bits, many of the lists on the internet are sponsored. “Top 20 Hairstyles of 2015,” brought to you by Wen hair care. Just guessing here, but I think these styles are going to be held in place with Wen’s Dr. MacGuillicuddy Formula Super Shiny Impossible-to-Muss All Purpose Hair Shellac Elixir and Floor Polish. They’re also linking their least favorite lists. “Worst Hairstyles in 2015.” Looks like there are many folks out there who didn’t buy Wen. Tighten that shit up in 2016, folks. Just call Wen and ask for “magic hair beans.” They’ll know what you’re talking about.

Here’s a good one. “50 of the Best Cars of 2015.” How about, “80 Great Breakfasts to Start off the New Year.” This is one you cannot miss: “101 Life Hacks We Learned in 2015.”

It cracks me up when I see lists like this. 50 Best Cars…so, like…ALL the cars of 2015, then? I think they just try to one up each other. I think the folks at BuzzFeed brainstorm or interface or idea-share or whatever they call it to try and come up with a list that cannot be topped.

“Let’s see if we can think of a list that will dwarf all other lists,” some asshole in an ill-fitting plaid shirt says as he pushes thick-framed, lensless glasses up his nose.

Stanley gulps, though whether because of genuine panic or simply discomfort the starched bow tie pressing against his Adam’s apple creates is undetermined. “Dave,” he rasps. “You’re talking about…the Golden List.”

The group gasps as one, but Dave is undeterred. He holds up a perfectly manicured hand, mostly to flash the sweet 1986 Casio calculator watch he found at a yardsale that sometimes even works, and the group stills. “Yes.”

The one word gets the hipsters riled enough to forget their corporate catchphrases. “That’s fucking nuts!” someone shouts. “It’s a pipe dream, Dave!” says another.

“This is it,” Dave shouts above the din of the crowd. Everyone settles back down. “I said it in January and I meant it. This is OUR year. We’re not leaving this office until we finally do it. I want everyone to network and give each other input and no one is leaving until we come away with the Golden List.”

Stanley hitches up his high waisted acid washed jeans he’s totally wearing ironically, duh, and takes a deep breath. “You do know that’s the top, right? That’s the pinnacle. If we create the world’s most comprehensive list, it’s all downhill from there. We’ll never be able to beat it.”

Dave removes the annoying empty frames, stares long and hard at his expectant hispt-herd, and finally utters, “Then we go out in a blaze of glory, my friends. Who’s with me?”

50 cars. 80 breakfasts. 101 life hacks… I tried to do a Google search for “longest compilation lists,” “longest year end wrap up lists,” and “longest dumb lists of shit that happened in 2015,” but I simply confused the Google Overlords. They still think I want a list of armed conflicts near large rivers. Should make my autofill even more interesting next time.

Things happened this year. More things did not. We were great at realizing problems, but really shitty at fixing them. We’ve got to work on that in 2016. We’ve had some deaths, some more personal than others, and some births. Folks set records, smashed records, invented records, and some even recorded records, though they won’t just call them “records” anymore and that’s super annoying. There was a lot to 2015.

I look back on the news, the media, the trends and stories and pop culture ebbs and flows. What do I want to talk about in terms of the year we’re leaving behind? I have spent the year blogging. I got most of it out of my system when it happened. Something grabbed my attention, I hopped on and “Mornin’ all-ed”, and walked away feeling lighter and freer. I generally don’t need to recap, since it’s all archived and anyone is free to look back on their own if they want.

However, there is something nagging me that I need to get off my chest before I can move forward. Somehow I missed the news when it came out, and then it became awkward to talk about apropos of nothing. But that’s what year end round ups are for, right? It’s a time to have one last chance to air your grievances before you close the calendar, throw it away, and start fresh.

With that in mind, here’s Bethie’s Huge Annoyance of 2015. I’m not even going to try and compete for the Golden List award. It’s really simple. Just one thing.



THIS IS NOT A HOVERBOARD!!! It doesn’t hover. It doesn’t even come CLOSE to hovering. It’s on GODDAMN WHEELS for crying out loud. It’s AT BEST a crooked skateboard. It’s not innovative. It’s not the “future”. It’s just a board with spinny wheels on it. WHEELS. No hovering capabilities whatsoever. The emperor is naked and it’s time someone stood up and said something.


*exhausted panting* *deep breath* *slicks back crazy wayward lock of hair* *clears throat*

There. NOW I’m ready for 2016.

Thus concludes the last Musing for 2015. I say this every year, and every year some dope ignores the good advice. If you want to usher in 2016 by getting utterly shit faced, cheers! Now, grab a couch. A floor. Be the huddled mass in the bathtub moaning all night. Whatever you do, DON’T DRIVE AFTER YOU DRINK!! Any is too many. I hope everyone gets to wake up tomorrow morning with a headache, cotton mouth, and a nagging suspicion that the lampshade and goat weren’t actually a dream…

I’mma get right to the point today:


Mornin’ all.

Usually when I see headlines that crack me up or make me roll my eyes, I hop on here and have some sort of friendly – some may say rambling- intro. I’ll tell you about my cat, or my car, or my cat driving my car (boy, do I WISH I could say that!). I’ll give you a not-always-quick glance into my world as we work through the first sips of my horrendous coffee together.

Not today.

Today, we’re shaking things up. I’ve got no funny anecdotes. The silliest thing my cat did was puke all over the dining room THREE times, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that. Cars suck, but only slightly less than horses, and none of the kids has done anything we need to applaud or bitch about this week.

So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve already got the go-go dancers ready, the band had a last minute jam warm-up to drown out the radios NON-FRIGGIN-STOP Christmas music, and the coffee just finished growling. Should be safe to drink once the growling stops.

Grab a cup and a chair and buckle in for a…


*catchy theme music* *furious up-tempo jazz steps*

Aaaaaand…cut! Everyone give a quick round of applause for the ladies and the band. There you go. Off the stage. Go. NOW.

Yes, we’re doing a Roundup today. For those not in-the-know, the internet news sites are full of poorly worded or misleading headlines. Sometimes they make light of a serious situation. Sometimes, it’s as if the editor fell asleep on the keyboard they’re so confusing. And sometimes they just give this weirdo an unusual mental picture that my inner narcissist must share. As always, the headlines themselves are too legit. The commentary is what might make you want to quit.

Shall we begin?

“Do we have a choice?”

Absolutely not!

-Trump Adds New Target: Ted Cruz

So his hate list is now Mexicans, Muslims, and muppets. “M”ommy issues, Trump?

– Calif. Attacks Raise Fear of Jihadi Wife

Are…are they implying that your wife will secretly go behind your back and join ISIS? Because it really seems like they’re implying that people are legitimately concerned about this…

– Models Devour Buffalo Wings

NAW BITCH. You get pretty bras, cameras flashing on your perfect dimples, and your bunions treated on Prada’s dime after the photo shoot. I get chicken wings. I don’t venture into your world, you don’t cross the line into mine.

– Ultra Modern Homes Fit For the “Hunger Games”

In what way, exactly? They’re half-crumbling? The tax burden imposed by a tyrannical government means the residents will be in constant poverty? Terrified children hide in them??

– Foolproof Secrets to a Blissful Marriage

1. Don’t secretly join a radical terrorist group behind your husband’s back.

– 9 Reasons to Eat Walnuts Right Now

This article is unfairly biased against people who don’t have walnuts. I’m offended. Let’s launch a Twitter attack. #impossiblewalnutdreams

– Rude Behaviors You Can Get Away With in Other Countries

What?! NO!! And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re buffoons!

– Springsteen Fans Upset Over “River Tour” Ticket Prices

Brucey babe. Heart to heart…I know your dream is to have a Scrooge McDuck silo of gold you can swim in, but you’re missing the big picture here. Somehow, against all odds and every sense of reason in this universe, you STILL HAVE FANS. Cool it on the pool of gold and throw those poor saps a bone.

– Funerals for 14 Killed in California Massacre Begin Somberly

Uh…were we expecting something different?

– Syrian Refugees Greeted Warmly in Canada

Yay Canada! It’s got to be awful hard to be so chill in the face of such a global hot button issue. I wonder what their secret is?

– Going to Pot? Canada Leads the Way in Legalizing Marijuana

…oh. Well. That clears things up.

– Diplomatic Pressures Force Syria Opposition to Table

“That’s it! I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can no longer pretend to support this office’s choice of marble top in the conference room. We should have gone with mahogany and if I were a stronger man, I would have said so at the time. There. *sigh* I feel so free.”

– Tokyo Deploys Drones that Use Nets to Capture Drones

We’ve done it. We’ve trained our AI to truly act like humans and defeat their own race. We can pat ourselves on the back as we bow before our new robot overlords.

– Trump a “Disgrace” Saudi Billionaire Says


– Donald Trump’s Name Torn off Dubai Golf Course

Yeah, I’d say that’s on par.

NO I WON’T TAKE IT BACK. You knew this was a pun-friendly environment when you signed up. Don’t act all butt-hurt about it now.

– Syria’s Assad Buying “A Great Deal” of ISIS Oil, US Official Says

“And I’m like, what gives, Assa-hat? We called dibs on that oil…”

– Angola’s Global Host of World Environment Day 2016 and its Elephant Population

This is the discussion in the meeting before the publication of this article: “They’re hosting the environmental thing, but that’s not enough to get people to click. We need a human interest side to this story. Bill, if I say “Angola”, what pops in your head?” “Uh…sweaters?” And after much grumbling because Bill is utterly USELESS and would have gotten the ax a long time ago if he weren’t the EIC’s nephew, someone came up with the elephant idea. People like elephants. And they probably live in Angola, right? “Are the elephants wearing sweaters? Cus that’d be sick, brah.” *sigh* Sure Bill. The elephants can be wearing the sweaters. *rolly eyes*

– Farm Worker Accused of “Maliciously” Killing 4 Chickens

Unless you plan on lopping the head off, dipping the thing in boiling water while it’s still thrashing, violently pulling out all the feathers, then spilling its guts on the ground before feasting on its meaty flesh the humane way, leave those chickens alone.

*editor’s note: We here at the Muse are very pro-flesh dining. I wasn’t banging the vegetarian drum. I was merely pointing out the rank hypocrisy of a chicken farmer getting offended at the killing of his chickens. Put down the PETA t-shirt. I don’t want one.

– From A Risky Space Walk to the Top of Mt. Everest

That seems to be the wrong order to me. I know people lose their shit over Everest, but c’mon. Sherpas have been climbing it for ages. There are permanent camps set up for people to take a month long climbing break. It’s got LADDERS chained to the rock walls! Ladder-laden mountain vs. muthafreakin’ SPACE. Priorities, folks.

– How Technology is Redefining the Afterlife

Spoiler: it isn’t.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

Oh. Well then. I stand corrected.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

I can just imagine how many dead zones there will be.

…face it, you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t.

– Twitter Expands Ads to Reach Users Who Didn’t Log In

Twitter, you’re getting creepy. #stopstalkingme,twitthole

– Bright Spots on Ceres Aren’t Aliens Afterall

Fuckin’ duh. We never said they were. Clearly lights aren’t aliens. What we SAID was that the lights were CREATED by aliens, and frankly, your evasion of the facts just bolsters my opinion. LIFE ON CERES!!

“Twitter: @BethReason Didn’t you mean #lifeonCeres? :P”

Ew Twitter stop. I’ve got mace.

– See Saturn’s Funky “Potato” Moon

Yes please!

– How Fallout 4 Took Over My Life– And Gave Me A New One


– Squishing Baby’s Faces is Japan’s Latest Social Media Trend

Why can’t I muster up either confused outrage at the antics, or sympathy for the mush-faced babies? Curse you, internet. You have jaded me.

– British Cops Search for Hoverboard Riding Robber

Shouldn’t take long. They just have to look for the pile of ash. OH YEAH hoverboard makers! Need a little aloe for that sick burn?!

No, seriously. Take the aloe. We heard about your inability to stop your products from exploding and are legitimately worried for you.

– Wild Boar in Germany Adopted By Herd of Cattle

Oh, stop. Who are you to judge what makes a family a family? It’s not just “Adam and Eve” anymore. Sometimes it’s “Hoven and Cleaved”.

*Drops mic*

*dons sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a brief Roundup for Saturday, December 12, 2015. I need to work on car wiring today. I feel I should have e.e.cummings-ed that statement, and said it with all the apathy I could be bothered to muster. Let’s try that again.

the car wires  rip at my soul with their uselessness

                                            and yet i find myself

                                             loath to fix them

perhaps a fairy will enter the engine compartment

                                          and make the effort to sort

                                          the frayed ends of my life

or maybe

it won’t

An eerie sounds rolls through the cold, dark house…


Mornin’ all.

If you were sitting in my house right now, you’d be breaking out the ghost hunting supplies. There are spooky, eerie moans coming from the other room. It sounds like a tortured soul trying desperately to make contact with anyone who can right the injustices of his former life so he can finally traverse the mist and enter the white light.

Oooooh. Scary.

In actuality, it’s simply one of the teens. He sleep groans. It’s kinda like talking in his sleep, only far more hilarious. At times like this, he sounds like a ghost. Think hokey sheet with two eyes cut out and banal level prankster underneath waving his arms and saying “wooo-oooo-oooo”. It’s exactly like that. At other times, he sounds like a chain saw in the distance. He’ll start really low, then go up in pitch, then back down.

See? Comedy gold.

His teen roomie doesn’t find it so funny. But that one snores, so I don’t really think he’s got a leg to stand on.

Say, remember when I went to the uppity dump the other day? Well, I went again yesterday.

“Hoping to hear more about Hillary, Bethie?”

Nope. I’m excavating a closet I haven’t touched in probably six, maybe even seven years, and who knows how long it’s been since I’ve been all the way to the floor? We’re talking cretaceous period, folks. I’ll let you know if I find fossils.

ANYWAY, I went back to the transfer station with a load of cardboard for recycling. I dumped it in the container, then broke down the box I carried it all in to add to the recycling bin. A snotty ass woman comes up to me and said, “It was good of you to break down the box first and be considerate of others. Good for you.”

Let me paint the picture. She had a stack of six tupperware totes by her car. Each tote was labeled. Each label was written in loopy cursive. The labels were laminated.

The woman herself was probably around my age. She wore a pink vest even though it was only 30 degrees. She had fingerless gloves on. She wore a sweatband as an ear warmer. Clearly this is a woman who has completion issues.

Before she approached me, she was sorting her recycling, which was silly, since it was already sorted and cursively-labeled. Trust me. Anyone who takes the time to loop and twirl the esses in “glass” has then filled said container with the intended material. So what she was actually doing was making a show of looking like she was sorting her recycling.

“Look at me!” she all but screamed. “I care so much about the environment that I refuse to waste material on silly things like fingertips on my gloves or sleeves! And I don’t just recycle…I DOUBLE recycle!”

You know the type.

And then to turn around and be condescending to me? Gah. What a self-righteous *grumble**mutter*… People like that really piss me off. I get it, lady. You’re recycling. Good for you. Want a fucking medal or something?

No, wait. She doesn’t get the medal. I get the medal in that scenario because unlike her, I brought my recycling to the dump in a recyclable container.


WUT. *drops the mic*

…*pics mic back up, brushes it off*

Seriously. What a douche.

I was also bemoaning the lack of interesting/joke-worthy headlines when we last spoke. Apparently the internet heard me and responded loud and clear. Or maybe it was just the full moon. Whatever caused it, I’m happy to say….

Strike up the band!

*catchy theme music playing in a minor chord to indicate that it’s almost Halloween*

Oooh! Nice twist! Okay, cue the go-go dancers!

*ladies come out zombie-style, lurching across the stage to the eerie beat*

I am LOVING this! Can we do it every day? …no? Okay, well, then, let’s enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s time for a….


*spooky unresolved chord at the end* *zombies all moan “Brains”*

Bravo! Brava! Brav…whatever you say for a zombie! Everyone give that five-star performance a round of applause!

Yes, it’s time for a Roundup. For those who might not know, a Headline Roundup is exactly that. I scour the internet for news headlines that strike my fancy and round them up. Maybe they’re poorly written. Maybe they’re confusing or misleading. Or maybe the editor did the best with a bizarre situation and they leave you with a vague sense of “WTF?” They’re treasures, every one. And like always, they are 100% real. I just supply the wise-assery after. Those are the rules. Step on up and let’s play!

– Victim of UConn Mac and Cheese Tirade Says He Does Not Accept Apology

In fairness, do you know how cutting mac and cheese can be? Some side dishes take it way too far.

– Massachusetts Witch Takes Warlock to Court Over Harassment Charges

Now that’s a sign of progress. Wasn’t that long ago witches weren’t that keen on stepping foot in a courthouse.

– Possible Carcinogen Seeps into Well from Animal Burial Ground

“…homeowners were told immediately to stop drinking the water.” THEY WERE DRINKING THE WATER!!!! ZOMG

– Celebrity Fears, Phobias Revealed

Because the one thing modern celebs absolutely needed was another way for people to torture them over the internet.

– Owner Hears ‘Kaboom’, Finds Car on Roof of Michigan Home

Pea shooter –> potato gun –> punkin’ chunker –> automobile cannon… What did you expect? It’s basic evolution, folks.

– How to Survive Daylight Savings Time and Shorter Days

Finally, a way not to die every single year.

– What Your Least Favorite Chore Says About You

It says doing chores sucks. Does this really need to be an article?

– Environmentalists Warn Snow Leopard Could ‘Vanish’

They’ll melt from the global warming.

– Trump Begs Iowa Voters For Support

And so the desperation phase of the election cycle begins…

– Homeowners Faced with Big Bills to Fix Dams Deemed Unsafe

That’s what happens when you try and upstage the Joneses. Trust me, stick with a moat. Way less upkeep.

– Deer Looking for Love Collide with Cars Instead

Dammit Michigan! Stop firing the auto cannon at the stag clubs right now!

– Prep School Kid and Sis Robbed Drug Dealers


– Black Market Butt Fillers Ruined Her Life

…gonna be honest. Once again, I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not to feel bad for anyone in this scenario. You’re confusing me today, MSN.

– Tractor Beam Uses Holograms Made of Sound to Move Objects


– Rare, Earth-Bound Space Junk Offers Rare Opportunity for Scientists

Oh sure. It’s a “rare opportunity” when THEY go through a pile of junk, but it’s “hoarding” when I do it. Pfft. Double standard much?

– A Scientist Built an AI Computer to Figure Out How to Take Better Selfies

FIRED. You are now officially FIRED FROM SCIENCE. Please pack your bags and head to the bubble gum pop section of humanity immediately.

– Dog Named Trigger Shoots Owner

A woman walks into the bar. She slaps her hand on the counter and says, “I’m lookin’ for the paw that shot my man.”

– Annoying Teddy Bear Sings Until You Destroy It

Heh heh heh. It honestly does. It sings a high pitched, awful version of the birthday song until you actually physically break it. Where can I buy one?

– Singing Teddy Bear Draws Ire, Outrage

The gist is that people believe that creating a bear that must be destroyed is going to turn kids into serial killers. Damn. Looks like they might not be on store shelves anytime soon. Bummer. I had such plans…

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

My guess is that it was savvy enough to get to the head of the line at the life boats promptly to secure a seat.

– See How This Pricey Cracker Survived The Titanic

…ya know, reading the headline again, unless you saw the photo of an actual saltine-like cracker, one might easily take this as a really cutting jab against all the wealthy folks who were given priority on the life boats over the rest of the passengers…

– Chewbacca Arrested for Driving Darth Vader to the Polls

CHEWIE NOOOO!!!! How could you switch sides?

– Missing Cat Found With Wine Hangover

…how do they know it was wine?

– Russian Police Find Half a Ton of Caviar in Speeding Hearse

Of course they did.

– Student Scores in Reading, Math Drop

Your common core, not hard at work.

– Two People Dead After Explosion At Oregon Gun Range

People died at a gun range? What is this world coming to.

– We Can’t Eat Our Way Out of the Invasive Species Crisis

Duly noted.

– Ford Responds to Trump: ‘Facts Are Stubborn Things’

Oh snap. Need a little aloe for that burn, Trump?

– Ex-cop Gets Year in Jail for Asking to Lick Woman’s Feet

Texas, not Florida. Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.

– Idaho Agency Finds Historic Footage of Parachuting Beavers

I KNEW IT. They tried to cover it up, but I friggin’ knew it! You watch. Area 51 footage is next. #thanksSnowden

– Feds: Company Put Cheddar, Swiss in “Real” Parmesan, Romano

Holy shit. No wonder the mac ‘n cheese was so testy. I guess we learned a valuable lesson here. There’s always another side to the story.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, October 28, 2015. Costume making today. I’ve only got one to make this year, and he wants to be the Grim Reaper. You know, keep it light and happy this Halloween. I’ve got an old rusty sickle I think I can turn into a kickass scythe, but I’m on the fence about coating it in fake blood or glowing paint to make it eerie…hm…

Do you think the junkyard will let me play Taps when they crush it?


1 Effective Way to Say Hello

Mornin’ all.

I was just trying to look through the news, and it hit me that even mainstream, “serious” news sites are now clickbaiting with numbers.

10 Times the IS was More Terrifying Than Hitler

14 Ways Hillary’s Policy Changes Could Affect Everyday Life

5 Reasons You Need to Pay Attention to the Refugee Crisis

Gah. Is this really what we’re becoming?

…and is it a bad thing?

3 Important Points to Ponder While You Drink Your Coffee

1) Humans are lazy. We are extraordinarily lazy. In the animal world, we take the cake. It’s this laziness that makes us evolve. There is a constant push, our only true innate drive, to be creative and think outside the box for the sole purpose of coming up with new solutions to get our asses out of as much work as possible.

The sharpened stick was invented because killing dinner with a dull thud of an unsharpened stick was slower than killing it with a pointy stabby stab.

The wheel was invented because Caveman Ugh was sick of busting his caveballs trying to tug and pull and lug that stabbed dinner back to the cave.

Horses were tamed to do all sorts of neat things that allowed our ancestors to sit back and let someone else do the work.

…and on and on and on. Every invention we’ve come up with has been designed with one purpose: Make life for humanity easier.

Is it any wonder, then, that the news would eventually be presented in bullet point format? It’s quick, it’s efficient, and it speaks to the deep laziness in all of us.

2) News sites are lazy. Dude, it is SO much easier to make a list than it is to sit down and write a coherent article. Plus, in a bullet point style presentation, things like grammar and syntax are apparently unnecessary.

3) Reading a condensed list makes you feel smarter faster. I don’t know if the PuffHo really put much thought into this trend it widely started. I’m sure bullet pointing the news started out as a way to save space and time. I highly doubt they ever really put much thought into the psychology. However, they stumbled on a real way to make people feel more confident and sure of not only the facts of a situation, but their overall retention of knowledge afterwards.

It’s an unintentionally brilliant way to make people keep going back to their website, I’ll give them that. I’d much rather keep reading news on a site that makes me walk away feeling like I learned something, even if I didn’t really learn a damned thing.

Which leads me to…

3 Ways Bullet Point Reporting is Ruining the News

1) Bullet point news would work well if the information presented was accurate…

2)…and well written. There is no need to forgo grammar, spelling, and proper framing of a coherent thought simply because there is a number in front of the sentence. Gah. This is dumbing us down. This aspect of this style of clickbait reporting is making the average person feel smarter by making them dumber. And it’s all because…

3) HUMANS ARE LAZY. Modern reporters are lazy. Modern editors are lazy. And all this laziness sucks because people have been programmed by clickbait “journalism” to expect yet another fun filled list of anti-facts NOW NOW NOW. It’s too much work to be fast, efficient, AND accurate. Jeez. What do you want from reporters? It’s almost as if you expect accurate, reliable, dependable summations of important events that could have an impact on the world around you. Pipe dream much?

I think it’s going to stay around for awhile, so I suppose we best get used to it. Life swings on a pendulum, though. There will come a time in the not-so-distant-future when post modern hipsters will find the old style of reporting the news through well-researched, carefully crafted essays just the bees knees. It’s a cycle. We just have to wait until the pendulum swings the other way.

Until then, I suppose we must embrace it. Here goes.

1 Thing That Epically Sucked in the House of Bethie This Week

Muh car died.

The first one that I really lead the resurrection team to bring back to life. *sniff*

Here’s the sad tale of woe. The Mr. took Soppy to work.

(Er, that was the car. We named her the Sopwith Llama. A Sopwith Camel was an old timey fighter plane before new fangled fighter jets flew onto the scene. But, the kids like llamas, soooo…)

He called me from his business of employ to tell me that “Sop’s acting weird.” We hoped it was a momentary lapse in functionality, or that she was just feeling annoyed.

“Uh, Bethie. I hate to interrupt…”


“…but, it’s just a car. It can’t feel anything.”

Yes. Yes it can. And anyone out there who doesn’t think that cars have moods, including temper tantrums and hissy fits, simply hasn’t been paying attention to their car. Shame on you. Go out and sit in your car and apologize for ignoring it all this time before it proves me right. It helps if you rub the dashboard, but don’t take it too far. Don’t make it weird, bro.

Anyway, my guy came home late. That was probably the only reason he made it home at all. There was a distinct lack of traffic and, for the most part, he had one clear last run with Soppy. Before he left work, he checked the fluids and the oil. Everything looked good under the hood. Proper fluid and oil levels. So he wished on a star and headed home.

He got within a couple miles of our house and “running rough” turned into her dumping all her coolant into the oil and seizing just as she pulled into our drive.

As far as close calls go, it doesn’t get any closer than that.

Soppy didn’t go quietly. The tail lights were upgraded LEDs that were insanely bright, a modification we did because it was a black car that was driven largely at night, and the Mr. was sick of drunk rednecks riding his bumper. She also began to belch huge plumes of thick, white smoke of doom. The bright taillights caught in the billowing clouds like Soppy was spewing forth the fires of hell itself. The Mr. told me that when he looked in his rear view, all he could see was a fiery wall of clouds.

Man I wish I was there to see it!

What we had was catastrophic parts failure. The head gasket went all at once. At that point, there was no saving her.

Oh, I know we could have (and still technically could) take her to a shop and have them completely go through it cleaning out the cappuccino colored oil/coolant from the engine block, retool the head, and replace all the gaskets. Or, we could buy a crate engine to drop in. However, it’s not worth it. I love that car, but there comes a point when the cost exceeds the value.

She’s done for. And today I must strip the parts to sell. I must rob the grave of my beloved beastie. As difficult as it is, I know it’s for the best. Through organ donation, Soppy can live on.

*hats off in a moment of silence for the brave and noble sacrifice of my Sopwith Llama*

*clears throat* *wipes tear*

Yes. Well. Moving on.

We picked up a cheapie from craigslist yesterday. Boy, I don’t know what folks did before craigslist when their cars shit the bed. The Mr. got his automotive shake-up at about ten on Thursday night. By eight Friday morning, I had already made arrangements to go see a $500 hoopdie that’ll get us through until we can really find a good replacement.

It’s a VW wagon. It needs stuff. It comes with most of the stuff it needs. The guy selling it was in the middle of repairs when a buddy offered him a Jeep that he really wanted. Nice guy…he threw in all the parts, including a new hood, for free. The engine has high miles but sounds so quiet that my guy kept thinking he stalled it…always a good sign.

Today, my tinkering cohort (our youngest) is going to help me strip parts from Sop, then pep a few things up on the newbie. I think the hubby is leaning toward the name Hobbes for the VW. Why Hobbes? We had a $400 Neon once that lasted us THREE YEARS that we named Calvin, and after the 45 minute drive home yesterday, he got out and said, “Boy does that remind me of Calvin!”

Of course, you can’t call two cars the same thing. And if you do “the second” or “junior”, the auto is instantly insulted. Rightfully so!

The only thing that’s giving him pause about the new moniker is that he feels the VW is female. I asked him why he must saddle the name “Hobbes” with gender constraints. He gave me a *blink**blink*. Heh. I love it when he has no response.

Sop gets dissected today, and Maybe-Hobbes gets spruced up. It seems a bit sadistic to fancify Hobbes next to Soppy’s corpse, but really, what can I do? I have to get one ready for the scrapper and one ready for the road.

It’s the circle of life, friends.

Hukuna machina.

Thus concludes the Musing for Saturday, October 17, 2015. Holy shit. I babbled so much about other things that I never actually got to talk about what I started writing to talk about in the first place. Damn bullet pointing getting me off track. Eh, it’s probably for the best. It was a fairly controversial point of view that would most definitely NOT win me friends or influence people. It would have been fun, though. Hm. Guess I’ll save it for another day…

I didn’t wanna, but I had no choice….


Mornin’ all.

I wasn’t going to do this today.

This was my intended morning agenda:

1. Get up.

2. Get coffee.

3. Remove cat from keyboard.

4. Sip coffee while glancing idly at the news and emails.

5. Finish coffee, then turn on “Escape Pod” podcast and art the morning away.

I got to #4 on the list, then read something so ridiculous, so stupid, so insane that it made me scratch #5 off my mental list and madly scribble a new To Do entry.

Here it is.

5. Get so annoyed with stupid headlines that it becomes necessary to share them with a readership of like-minded people.

Since it was such an abrupt decision, I don’t have the go-go dancers scheduled. I think they’re in Guam tanning on the beach at the moment. Maybe they’ll bring me back a Guamilian necklace or some other Guamling chatchki.

So I don’t have the girls. I also don’t have the band to play the catchy theme music. The head yodeler had mentioned a desire to head up to Wildcat for a gondola ride and a stop over to Clark’s to protest the bears, but ride on the train anyway…

*NH FIST BUMP! 603 4LYFE!!!*

…and I don’t want to interrupt if that’s what they were going to do. It’s cooler up north, and the yodelers tend to get snippy in this heat. Might as well leave them alone until the front breaks. We can do without music and dancers just this once, right?


I suppose in that case, I’ll just clear my throat… *achem**mememe**loolooloo**bah bo bah* *achem* …and, using my best announcer voice, tell you all that it’s time for a…


*fingers tapping the catchy theme music beat out on the computer desk*

*jazz hands for finishing flourish*


Okay, that was lame. Oh well. Nothing to be done for it. It’s what we had to work with on such short notice and it’ll just have to do. God I hope the dancers and band get back before next time. Let’s hope the headlines make up for the bland intro, shall we? I said there were some goodies, and I wasn’t kidding. As always, the headlines I am about to present are legit…I just supply the jokes at their expense. Here goes!

– Landlord Charged In Cecil’s Killing

Wait. I thought Cecil owned his home? Boy, the layers of this story just don’t end.

…and no, that’s not the headline that started this all. I’m working up to it.

– First Almost Fully-Formed Human Brain Grown in Lab, Researchers Claim

Did you know that we share 97.5% of our DNA with mice? “Almost” leaves a pretty wide range of possibilities here, folks.

– US Postal Service Tries its Hand at the Grocery Biz

“After much research, we’ve determined that people like cookies and hate bills. Really, when you get right down to it, it’s a no-brainer.”

Second Yosemite Tourist Diagnosed with Plague

Man. I wish there was something someone could do to stop the plague. I mean, you know, aside from practicing the most basic acts of personal hygiene on a regular basis…

Women Pass Ranger School, but Debate Goes On

Fucking men. No, hang on. I’m not a “feminazi,” and folks are often too quick to wave that particular flag. But COME the HELL ON. The women passed the test! LET THEM BE RANGERS. Unless you’re afraid someone without a penis will do a better job. Is that it? Sad little boys playing big men with guns. That’s all this is about.

– Lobster Population Shifting North; Ocean Warming Blamed

Is it the ocean warming, or are lobsters just getting smarter? “Jeez, Bahb, them fahckers down ta the cape are chappin’ my ass with them wicked stupid traps. They got Linda week before last. What say we go up the way ta Canada? They ain’t settin’ traps up there yet.” “You bet.” “Bitchin’. Let’s go.”

– General Mayhem! Retired 4-Star Army General Slams Chinese Food Delivery Man Against Fridge for Not Taking Check: Cops

Reader’s choice:

You don’t get to be a 4-star general without gettin’ a little mu on your shu.


Anyone else really, really hope his last name is Tso?

– Dramatic Video Shows Great White Shark Leaping Out of Water to Catch Seal

Hold the phone… Seals can FLY?!

– Stuffed Pig Having Time of its Life While Looking for Owner

No. No it is not. It is a stuffed animal. It has no life and it is enjoying nothing.

– Putin Dives in Mini-Sub to Shipwreck Off Crimea

If this doesn’t put a comical Spy vs. Spy image in your head, then I don’t even know why we’re friends.

– Muslim Leaders Sign Sweeping Climate Change Declaration

Sure people might be losing their heads left and right in middle eastern nations, but they’ll be losing them AFTER they properly sort their recycling. #priorities

– Russian Police Get Tough on Illicit Cheese

“I am KGB. I grill you until you talk.”

…stop groaning. You know you love it.

– For Mexicans, Trump’s Bid is Getting Scarier

For AMERICANS, Trumps bid is getting scarier!

– Name Company For Workers Online Contract

Dennis. I name it Dennis.

– Hamas: We Captured Dolphin Spying for Israel!

Enlightened lobsters. Flying seals. Spying dolphins. What the HELL is going on in our oceans?! Scientists, put down your pet brains and figure this shit out before we’re forced to serve our orca overlords.

– Saudi Arabia and Iran: Volatile Political Geography of Oil and Minorities, Analysis

I have to admit that I *do* feel better about America when I read that other regions waste money on bullshit, no brainer studies, too. It’s not just us. It’s a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

– Man Who Climbed Brooklyn Bridge, Took Selfie is Arrested

I think we can all rest easier knowing that this sick bastard is locked up. The streets will be a little less mean tonight. Thanks, NYPD! #priorities

– Finkbeiner Says Merging Government Makes Sense

Can we just stop and appreciate the fact that somewhere in this nation, a politician has the last name “Finkbeiner?”

– Police: Man With Explosive Device had No Anti-abortion Aim

He didn’t seem to care much about animal rights, nationalized health care, or the global effects of longterm drought conditions in central Asian nations, either. Go figure.

– Why Ted Cruz Has the Best Chance of Becoming the GOP Nominee

*can’t type comment…too busy laughing hysterically…*

– Researchers Say “Tree of Life” Actually a “Bush”

The tag line is the real scoop here: The idea is that when incidents of rapid speciation arise, evolution moves so quickly that the genome doesn’t diverge neatly. I have no idea why they didn’t lead off with that in the first place. Talk about a catchy hook, eh?

– Real Flying Saucers: Why Manhole Covers Take Flight in Summer

Because they must obey the call of their people. Fly, little manhole covers. Fly to the mother ship.

– Man in Bear Costume Harasses Bears In Alaska

The authorities intervened. I don’t think they should have. This is one problem that would have sorted itself out.

– Black Bear Destroys Interior of Teacher’s Car

See? Bears deliver their own swift justice. Sometimes the all natural approach is best.

– Buffet Fans Scolded for Leaving Homemade Toilets At Show

If you can sit through the fishbowl at a Buffet concert and be coherent enough to make your own toilet instead of pissing yours pants, you should get a medal, not a scolding. Real talk.

– Taiwan Will Preserve Adorable, Typhoon-damaged Mailboxes

Is it me, or is Taiwan swiftly replacing Japan on the WTF meter?

– Official Wheaties Beer Coming to Minnesota

Wait. I thought the entire point of Wheaties was to provide a healthful start to a healthy day? This is madness. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that Cap’n Crunch is launching a rum line in Florida, or that the Lucky Charm Leprechaun will soon be pimping whiskey in Boston? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– The Tallest Building Never Built

Nuh uh. I thought of the tallest building never built. It went a bazillion miles high to Saturn. I win.

– I Am Not An “Alien”

Nope. No way. No aliens here. *gulps* *tugs at collar* Is it getting hot as a glarplunx flardahp in here, or is it just me?

– Maybe Clinton Just Isn’t A Very Good Candidate?

Maybe not…

– Jeb Bush: NSA Needs Broader Powers to Combat ‘Evil Doers’

…but she’s sure as hell better than him!

– Americans Back Federal Funds to Planned Parenthood for Health Services, According to Poll

OF FUCKING COURSE WE DO. It’s an organization that spends the overwhelming majority of its time proving necessary health care of all the naughty bits people don’t like to talk about to folks who desperately need it. It’s 2015. THIS SHOULDN’T EVEN BE AN ISSUE!!!

– Sanders Outpaces Dean’s 2004 Run

Now, if he can only keep from making a funny “blearrrrah yeah” noise on camera… #maplesyrup4lyfehag

– The Meaning of Trump

I honestly, truly, 100%, deep in my heart of hearts believe that Donald Trump is actually just an irradiated pile of silicone with hair.

– Navy Seeks Better Sub-Hunting Technology to Counter Putin

Anyone else getting an image of Putin cackling maniacally while ineptly zipping around the bottom of the ocean in his mini-sub to the Benny Hill theme song? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– Second Bangkok Bomb Puts City on Edge

…it took two to raise concern?!

– California Teenager Dies at Rave, Following Two Similar Deaths This Month

But, it’s, like, totally safe. PLUR ‘n angels ‘n shit.

– Africa Could Fit China and the U.S., With Room to Spare

Fifth grade geography is now breaking news. No Shit Gazette contribution for today?

– Idaho Replaces Mile Marker 420 with 419.9 to Thwart Stoners

Okay then. I guess it truly IS a geography-news day. Apologies for the previous snarkery. My bad.

– Probe of Clinton’s Server Could Find More than Just Emails

Let’s just be honest: Porn. That’s what everyone’s hoping to find.

– Bad-boy Kygrios Goes Out After Gasquet Spanking

I see they already found something juicy on Hillary’s PC…
OH COME ON. Don’t act like you weren’t in the gutter with me when you read that. Pfft.

And the headline that started it all today…

– NYC Mayor Signs Anti-Legionaires’ Bill

Wait a minute. Humanity is how old? We’ve had how many deadly viral outbreaks in our history? Untold millions have been wiped off the face of the earth… And no one thought to simply ban a virus before? Sometimes we just make things so hard on ourselves.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, August 19, 2015. NOW I’m going to art. Or screw around online. …yeah, ‘prolly that last one.

Why are you looking at me like you have a secret plan?


Mornin’ all.

Smug kitty is sitting on top of my computer tower right now looking smug.

She got out last night. In a flash of black and speckled fur, she zipped through the legs of my youngest as he was coming in from a sword fight (LARPing has claimed yet another little geek) and took off under a small, latched fence that’s overgrown with vines and brambles.

After a lot of searching, she was found safely taunting us behind the glass window of Neighbor’s garage. She somehow found a way inside and thought us looking for her was highly amusing. We had to battle to get into the garage through more vines and more bramble, and then even MORE after I scruffed and lectured her and tried to get back out. Apparently Neighbor doesn’t use the garage.

Once inside, she knew she was in deep shit. She’s only gotten out a handful of times. Usually she’s panicked upon her return to the safe indoors and tends to be in defense mode. Not wanting her to lash out at the kids, or wanting them to give her positive reinforcement for her shenanigans, I instructed the boys to shun her. That’s when she knew what she did wasn’t funny.

Naughty kitty.

She got out as we were closing up shop for the evening, so once I got the littlest calmed down and washed up and reassured him again that it wasn’t his fault, we headed to bed. As soon as I sat down, she came meowling into the room looking sad and pathetic and apologetic. She hopped up onto my lap, pressed her face to my cheek, meowed again, and then curled up and started purring. How can you shun THAT? Dirty pool, kitty.

After I read for awhile, I clicked out the light and got comfy. She curled up at my feet. All was happy and well.

…until she decided to play the “So, you think you can actually move your feet around without consequence, do you?” game. My ankles are all scratched to hell this morning and she’s looking very proud of herself.

*gag* Ew! *spit**pleh*

“Coffee that bad today?”

No, actually. Teen Prime got it all set up for me and for once the coffee isn’t peeling the skin from the roof of my mouth. That’s not what’s gross. We ordered some car parts from a different supplier. It was our first time ordering through them, and they sent us a “first time buyer care package” that included some stickers and a little can of Jelly Belly jelly beans! Really cool. As any Jelly Belly eater knows, the beans are all kind of funky flavors and I just accidentally tasted mango.


“Uh, Bethie? Why are you eating jelly beans at 6:30 in the morning?”

Because I have scratched ankles from the cat and scratched arms from the brambles and the coffee’s sorta weak, if you want to know the truth, and the jelly beans were riiiight over there and they were calling to me and…


I ate a banana, too. Like a real banana. That’s healthy. So the jelly beans were breakfast dessert.

No, wait! It was a super early brunch. You can eat anything you want as long as you call it “brunch,” right?

“I don’t think brunches have jelly beans.”

Hey, I don’t tell you not to slug down champagne mimosas and pretend it’s totally normal to get shitfaced by ten a.m. at YOUR brunch, do I?

“…on second thought, maybe I will put a bowl of jelly beans out at my next brunch. Seems so bright and festive!”


What should we talk about this morning? Oh, I know! The first republican debate was on last night.


Not into politics this morning? Hm. Okay, then. I read this fascinating op. ed/sorta research piece on Queen Elizabeth I that hypothesized that she was…


…did you just HISS at me?

“That’s how strongly I feel about not sitting through your boring recap of a boring subject.”

BORING!!?? QE I was only one of THE most riveting and polarizing…

“…*dramatic snore*…*dramatic snore*…”

*grits teeth* Fine. What do YOU want to talk about today?

“Something fun. Something entertaining. Hey, maybe you could cue the go-go dancers and strike up the band…”

Hold the phone. Are you…are YOU instructing MY staff?!

“Well SOMEone has to make life interesting around here!”




Girls…get to go-going I suppose…? Let’s do the intro for a…


…but don’t think you can do this all the time. I mean it! No more hijacking my Muse for your own purposes. And wipe that smug look off your face! I’ve dealt with enough smug, furry little creatures today!

“*salutes* Yes, ma’am!”

*defeated sigh*

Okay, so I guess we’re having ourselves a roundup whether I like it or not. I’ll be your amusement lackey and scour the internet news sites for headlines that are odd, misleading, poorly worded, or just strike my fancy. I’ll present them to you, uncut, unedited, and unfiltered, then share my reactions afterwards. Shall we begin?

…*whistles*…*picks lint off sweatshirt*…*taps fingers on desk*…

“Oh. You’re waiting for my permission?”

I mean, you did kinda take over…

“I know you’re being sarcastic, but I’m going to pretend I am in charge anyway. *clap clap* Begin!”

– This Software Checks if You’re Busy Before Interrupting You


*C3PO fist bump*

– Why the Fugate Family Has Blue Skin

I’m not sure, but they should probably do their best to avoid Gargamel.

*Smurf fist smurf*

– Teen Subway Employees Thwart Would-be Robber By Ignoring Him

He had the weapon. He covered his beard with a plastic bag so no one would recognize him (no shit, he totally did that). He practiced his scary voice for hours in front of the mirror. The one thing he couldn’t prepare for, though, was the modern American teenager’s ability to ignore the world around them.

– Theater Attacker May Have Planned Explosion

After a couple weeks off, the No Shit Gazette is back in full swing.

– Top 10 Moments from Last Night’s Debate

Can we really…

“HEY! I said NO politics! Nice try, bucko. Move it along.”


– German Man Sets Record for Longest Birthday Ever

Uh, not sure how time works in Germany, but aren’t birthdays kind of capped at 24 hours?

– Neighbors Furious as Pilot Parks Cessna at Home

“I just bought my kid a Honda, and this asshole comes along and gives HIS family a damn plane. How in the hell am I supposed to compete with THAT??”

– A Mysteriously Disappearing Waterfall in Minnesota

Uh…aren’t they experiencing a drought right now? Do they not know what a “drought” is? Someone give Minnesota a dictionary.

– It’s Time to Start Liking Tom Cruise Again

You’re not the boss of me. I don’t hafta like him if I don’t wanna. He’s not my REAL dad. *sniff*

– What’s Really the Best Type of Yoga for You?

I’m personally a fan of “imaginary yoga”. Does imaginary wonders for my imagined health!

– Bus Carrying Special Needs Gets Stuck in Bronx Sinkhole

Now, if this was the age of my childhood, I’d insert a “short bus” joke here. As it is *not* the age of my childhood, and times have changed, I suppose I’ll just go with a brief quip on the Bronx so as not to stir up controversy. Hey, Bronx! What’s with the huge pot holes?

See? Political correctness can be funny, too. *crickets**crickets*

– Not All Netflix Workers Will Get ‘Unlimited Parental Leave’

Oh, so this is another benefit that only actual parents can use, eh? First “maternity leave” now this?! Pfft. SO unfair.

– As Temperatures Rise, Hikers Embrace a Grueling Ascent

Or, you know, they could wait for a cooler day. I mean, no one’s forcing them to be an idiot and climb a mountain in the “grueling” heat.

– Some Who Fled California Wildfires Find Their Home Destroyed

You mean THAT’S what fires do?

– NYPD Uses Clip of Man High on PCP to Illustrate Dangers of Synthetic Weed

Not unlike the time I taught my boys the dangers of misusing their pocket knives by showing them pictures of lepers. I tell you what, those boys are NEVER going to misuse their knives in Kalaupapa!

– Did Slavery Cause the Civil War? Many Americans Don’t Think So, Poll Shows

Fuckin’-A, people. Every state that seceded cited the new ban on slave owning as the main reason for secession. I don’t know what’s ambiguous there. Each and every state that submitted a letter of secession to the government did so because they were furious that outsiders were telling them they could no longer own people. End. Of. Debate.

– Psych Firm that Screens Baltimore Cops Under Review

Yeah, that’s prolly’ a good idea.

– US Teens Tune Into Online Friendships

OMG. Next you’ll be telling me that the young people also like to wear dungarees and eat those pizza pies!

– OKC Teacher Accused of Intoxication on Campus

Um, you’re probably not going to want to do body shots at the frat house if you’re a teacher. Seems like a bad career choice to me.

– Cape Cod Sharks: Scientist, Great Whites Continue to Patrol Coast for Data and Seals

How are the sharks ever supposed to finish their investigation of the seasonal migratory shift of harbor and short-eared seals in relation to the recent temperature fluctuations of coastal waters if the scientists keep devouring the seals in question? Friggin’ savages.

– Ancient Galaxy is Most Distant Ever Found

Fasle. Ancient Galaxy is Most Distant Ever OBSERVED BY HUMANS. If you’re going to try and report on legitimate science, then tighten it up,

– NASA Totally Found an Alien Crab on Mars and Didn’t Tell Anybody

Like, legit. For realsies.

– Black Hat Researchers Hack Rifle For Fun

…you don’t get out much, do you, Black Hats?

– Meet the Man Struck By Lightning 7 Times

I’ll meet him, but I hope he’s not offended if I opt out of the hand-shaking…

– Bookstore Refunds Customers who Bought ‘Go Set A Watchman

Ugh. I hate every part of this. No funny comment, because insulting an author when you are supposed to be the first line of SUPPORT is not an amusing matter. I just couldn’t *not* share.

– Miss Piggy and Kermit Break Up Ahead of New Show

NOOOOO!!!! *sniff* Why are they consciously uncoupling muppets?! Piggy and Kermit 4LYFE!!!

– Child Camping In Yosemite National Park Contracts Plague

You might want to leave that tidbit out of the travel brochure…

– Alaska Woman in Good Condition After Bear Mauling

A bear was mauled, and of course the liberal press chooses to focus on the woman. Uh, feminazi much? #bearsmattertoo

– Warming Climate Leaves Alaskans with Fewer Walruses to Hunt

Is that really a negative? Really?

– Bikini Nuclear Refugees Seek US Aid to Leave Marshall Island

…too soon for a “that bikini was da bomb” joke? …Uh…let’s just forget I said that, k?

– Whale Lost in Buenos Aires Nears Ocean

How do you know it was lost? Maybe it was just on vacation. Why you gotta assume the worst, AP?

– Floyd Mayweather Takes a Jab at Ronda Rousey

Not the first lady he’s taken a jab at.

*drops mic*

*slides on sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, August 7, 2015. I really needed a laugh today. Thanks for letting me giggle for a bit, even if you did kinda force me into it.

A tumbleweed just rolled on by. That can only mean one thing ’round here…


Mornin’ all.

My ninja cat almost took me out this morning. I was halfway down the stairs when she materialized out of nowhere and decided it was time to finish her training and ascend to the level of jonin. Apparently that meant winding her way through my legs while I was mid-step. She’s sitting tall and proud, a noble representative of her people. I have clean shorts on now, but my heart is still racing.

Damn cat.

I’ll just drink some more of this tar. I mean coffee. That’ll calm me down. *sssssip* *choke* *sizzle* *moan* Can’t…feel…my…tongue.

Good batch!

I was looking at the news this morning and a few headlines just popped out at me. I’m not even going to ramble for awhile. I did a bunch of rambling yesterday (NEW HORIZONS WOOT!!!!) and I really just want to get in to some silly fun. What better way to shake off the terror of ninja Kitty’s training and early morning coffee than to…

You know what? I was going to cue the go-go dancers, but I think we’re going to keep up with the “something a little different” theme today is shaping up to have. Strike up the band, put your coffee down and join the girls on the stage. Audience participation day!

“Oh, no, Bethie.”

Come on. Do it!

“Really, I couldn’t…”

Aw now, it’ll be fun! You’ll see. Cut loose for once.

“Welllll…. *whips off robe to uncover dancing costume*”

There ya go! Now, it’s time for a….


Wow. I had no idea you could moonwalk. Look at those gams! Did you borrow the pasties from one of the girls, or….you know what? Forget I asked. To each their own, right?

For those who aren’t familiar with the Roundup, every so often I read a headline or two that strikes my fancy. Perhaps it’s poorly worded, or contains unforgivable grammar mistakes. Sometimes they’re misleading. And sometimes they just take my weird mind down an unintended path. I’ll gather these headlines up and present them to you in one easy to digest article…with jokes. As always, these headlines appear as written on real news sites, and are 100% legitimate. I just supply the 99.44% all natural commentary. Shall we begin?

– Cruz Calls for ‘Immediate Investigation’ Into Planned Parenthood

Why is this muppet still around? Go buy some more of your own books, Ted.

– Your Data is Compromised. (Yes, Yours.) What Now?

*blink**blink* Well that escalated quickly.

– When the End of Human Civilization is Your Day Job

Eh, somebody’s gotta do it.

– China is Using Televised Confessions to Shame Detained Lawyers, Journalists and Activists

Ooooh, so close, China. You did a good job with the lawyers, but that’s where you should have drawn the line. People don’t want to see journalists and activists publicly shamed. You have to shame them in private. Nice attempt to fit in with the rest of the “civilized” world, B-.

– Harvard Researchers Have the Answers to Raising Good Kids

And for the low, low price of $19.99, you, too, can join the millions of people who have taken the Home with Harvard online seminar. But wait, there’s more! If you act now…

– French Company Designs Face-to-face Airplane Seating

Because it’s not really des vacances until you can smell the fetid fromage wafting from your cell mate’s…er…I mean, SEAT mate’s drooling maw.

– Worst Dark Chocolates for Weight Loss

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “any.” Any dark chocolates are probably bad for weight loss.

– NASA Returns Sesame Street Goodies from Space

Good. You shouldn’t have taken them in the first place, NASA! Now say you’re sorry, then go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

– Michelle Obama Reveals her Dance Inspiration on SYTYCD

…Sittisid? What the fuck is sittisid? Is that like, one of those EDM drugs?? Why is our First Lady on it?? Do you think we should start a campaign to make people aware and help her get off the stuff? You can do it, Mrs. Obama! Reach deep inside and find the clean and healthy you!!! #FreeMichelle

– Craft Sends Signal From Near Pluto

WHAT!?! A mysterious craft sends us a message!?! HOLY SHIT…ALIENS!!!!!???? I better click on this article RIGHT NOW and…

…*grumble* Never mind. Damn your click bait, Vox.

– Don’t Microwave Those Leftovers; it Could Lead to Diabetes

…especially if you’re microwaving chocolate cake. That’ll ‘prolly not be the best for ya…

– Find Out Who Justin Bieber Has a ‘Big Crush’ On


– Trout Leads Off with Homer

How in the hell does a fish swing a bat? Mind. Blown.

– All-Star Game Hats are Terrible, Worthy of Scorn

And so I say to you, shun them. Turn your backs and shun the head coverings of Satan, for they are wicked and deserving of your contempt.

– Trump Campaign Mistakenly Tweets Star-Spangled Nazis

What’s the term for a Freudian slip that’s made over texts? #FreudianBlip

– LGBT Immigrants Taking A More Forceful Stand as Reform Efforts Languish

LGBT? Check. Immigration law? Check. Protests? Check. Controversial flags? … … no controversial flags? Damn. I was one away from “Hot Button Bingo”.

– PETA Says Sea World Employee Masqueraded as Animal Activist

Well, well, well. The tables have turned.

*author’s note: I’m not supporting Sea World. I support the conservation work they do, and the care and rehabilitation they offer injured animals, but I cannot support them as an organization until they stop taking large, healthy animals from the wild and sticking them inside tiny fish bowls. However, I hate PETA, and I think it’s comically idiotic that they’re getting pissed about the switcheroo now that it’s going the other direction. In a nutshell, suck it up PETA and take it like a man-imal.*

– The Name Atticus Acquires an Unwelcome Association

As if we really need another reason not to name our kid “Atticus”.

– Presidential Election Already Fueled By $377 Million

And that’s why we citizens can’t have nice things.

– Inside the Florida Town that’s Known as the ‘Psychic Capitol of the World’

I think you spelled “psychotic” wrong…

– Mo. County to Rescind Plan to ‘Mourn’ Gay Marriage Ruling

SMH…I mean…*sigh*…good for them? I guess? Give them a cookie for doing what they were supposed to do in the first place? Or, not doing what they…you know what I mean. Oh, Mo.

– Agency Faulted for Inaction After California Oil Spill

In all fairness, betting on which seagull bobbing in the water was going to get covered in oil first was, technically, action…

– Apple Watch: Not Dead Yet

Keep telling yourself that, Apple.

– Fla. Man Struck By Wife in Fight Over Confederate Flag: Cops

With all the psychic activity in Florida, I’m surprised he didn’t see that coming.

– What the Iran Nuclear Deal Means for Pistachio Lovers

Ok. I understand that when news breaks every news outlet scrambles for a different take on the story. But…pistachios? Really? That’s your “A” game, IBT?

– Why You Can’t Eat Just One Fry (Or Donut or Pizza Slice)

Because they’re fucking delicious. No need to complicate it with science, Quartz.

– Threats Force Satan Statue Unveiling to Secret Detroit Venue

Aw, lookit the controversial artist trying to be all big and tough and relevant. Soooo close, too. Next time, don’t wimp out at the showing.

– Chinese Company Worships Steve Jobs with Golden Bust

No golden idol worshiping, China. Bad China. Bad.

– Biofuel Made from Beer is Now Powering Cars in New Zealand

If a self-driving car is powered by beer, can it get pulled over for DUI??

– New CEO: Some People on Reddit ‘Shouldn’t Be Here At All’

Welcome to the internet, man.

– Door-Knocking Iowa Homeschoolers Courted by Republican Suitors

“Door-knocking homeschoolers?” Is this some weird midwest double entendre? Gross, Iowa.

– The Internet of Things Goes After Kids

Huh? This makes less sense than the Iowa headline. What’s going on, AP? You feeling all right? I’m starting to worry.

– Gold Bust of Kate Moss, Now What?

CHINA!!! Stop it this instant!

– Brandy Sings on Subway, No One Notices

I’m torn here. As a human being, I feel bad for her. But as a user of the internet for over half my life… *snort*

– For Traditional Ear Cleaner in India, Business Waning

Odd. Usually it’s waxing.

*author’s note: I wasn’t gonna, then I was like ‘Welp, at this point, it’s kind of expected…’ Blame yourselves for the puns, readers. If you expect the worst out of me, you’re going to get it.*

– The Sex Offender Test

1. Are you a sex offender?

If you answered “yes”, then congratulations! Your scores have qualified you to be a sex offender! Please purchase a white panel van, an over coat, and candy at your earliest convenience.

– Grande Apologizes for Donut Licking

It’s okay, hon. We’ve all been there. *see scientific explanation earlier in post*

– What Does Your Last Name Say About You?

I’m no expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure it usually says who your parents are.

– Why The Iran Deal Made Obama Critics So Angry

Because ANYTHING Obama does makes his critics angry! Is there really need for an article here?

– Brave Teen Who Survived Plane Crash That Killed Her Grandparents is Released From Hospital and is Treated To McDonald’s

Today’s plane crash proudly sponsored by McDonald’s. Because nothing makes you feel better after a horrific tragedy filled with terror, agony, death, and torture like a Happy Meal! #I’mLovin’It

Thus concludes an unexpected Roundup for Wednesday, July 15, 2015. Today is “Prime Day.” Not as thrilling as yesterday’s New Horizon day (which was FABULOUS, wasn’t it!?! Even if we didn’t see any aliens waving at us…). Tomorrow will be the Christian feast day honoring Gondulphus of Tongeren. Just a reminder in case you forgot and need to run out and pick up a Gondulphus card before it’s too late. #IGotYourBack

You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…


Mornin’ all.

So remember the washer battle? The latest one. The one I lost. I’m done gathering the fallen and nursing the injured back to some semblance of health and ready to look forward to a new dawn, a new day, a new washer.

Yes! A BRANDY NEW washing machine! We took a credit card that had been cleared for quite some time and used it. Not ideal. Not what we wanted to happen. But sometimes, you gotta do whatchoo gotta do. I’ve had three used washers in the last decade. They were all hand me downs and needed some level of limping along and my guy said, “You know what? If the little mama needs a real washing machine to get the woman’s work done, well I’mma git ‘er one!”

BAHAHAHA!!! Kidding. Jeez, how quickly do you think I’d give him the Ice Queen Laser Eyes if he said that?

Nah. He bought me a washer in a non-sexist-just-knows-I-LOATHE-laundromats-and-wants-me-not-to-have-to-use-them kind of way. Besides, he didn’t want me to do laundry at all. He pleaded a case for us to become nudists instead. *bland stare*

As soon as he heard the charge of the laser eyes spinning up, he ended the nudism crusade.

Smart man.

So I’m getting a washing machine. …maybe.

Local appliance stores are expensive as hell. WALMART is expensive as hell. And while I’m not looking for a top of the line model that will massage the garments with little robot hands, carefully picking out every particle of dirt and dried ketchup and flicking them away as if they are the most offensive molecules to ever exist, I *do* need one that can handle the clothing of 5 full sized people and one smaller Pigpen.

*goes to fistbump for the Peanuts reference, then pulls back at last second like Lucy. Boom. DOUBLE REFERENCE*

I go through washers because our household demand is higher than the average washing machine wants to handle. I’ll wear the same jeans for days. But the kiddies needs clean clothes for school and now work, and the man gets crazy grubby at his job. You wouldn’t think grocery is a grimey biz. You’d be wrong.

After looking at prices at the local box stores and smaller appliance places in the area, we began to wonder if we’d be able to do this after all or not. With hearts in our throats and our fingers crossed, we decided to check the wonderful bargain bin known as the internet. We scoured around, found a few models that fit our needs and will just manage to work in the budget in a bazillion easy payments.

Now, we’re not idiots. We didn’t look for “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics”. No, we went to Amazon, and let THEM select “Bob’s Discount Warshers” as our first vendor. Oh, that’s not what they called themselves. They called themselves something friendly, like “Home and Care” or some bullshit. But that was just a poorly pasted on label to hide their “Bob’s Discount Warshers” company logo. That’s what they are from here forward.

We ordered the machine last week. The machine was supposed to be here Monday.

The machine was not here Monday.

…are you surprised? Come on. This wouldn’t make a good story if everything went to plan, would it?

When yesterday rolled around and we still didn’t hear anything about our mystery machine that was clearly caught in some transdimensional vortex, we tried to contact the seller. We clicked on the seller profile and found that this seller actually has multiple names on Amazon. Hm. Now why would a reputable, honest vendor of expensive merchandise have multiple names? Wouldn’t you think that they would want to rack up satisfied customers and build ONE good name?

Should have done our research, folks. That’s what it comes down to.
We were contacted by Amazon saying that the vendor has not followed their obligations to Amazon and reported the details of shipping in the agreed upon time frame. Amazon recommended that we cancel the order. We contacted Amazon…surprisingly easy to do, actually, and the people there were very helpful both times we ended up calling.

Yes, both. Hang on. I’ll get there.

After a long chat with the helpful person on the other end of the line, we decided that if “Bob’s Discount Warshers” can’t follow the contract with Amazon, and they hadn’t answered our inquiries, either, then we’d cancel the order. Amazon said they would handle it on their end, and assured us we would not be held liable for the sale no matter what.

A little fuss, but in the end, no muss, and we washed our hands of “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics.” We went back on Amazon, found a washer that had been put on sale between last week and this, came out cheaper than the other, FREE SHIPPING!! from a company that had many excellent ratings, and a couple middle of the road like you’d expect any legit business to have. We placed the order, huzzah, new washer once again on the way!

…and then got an angry email from “Bob’s Yada Yada” informing us that wouldn’t you know it, they JUST shipped the discount warsher yesterday morning and it was too late to cancel the order since the warsher was speeding to us at the break neck speed of a snail.

Seriously, they said they just happened to ship it yesterday morning, June 24, and it would get here…July 17. I think the damn discount warsher’s planning on walking here, folks. Maybe it’s stopping to take a guided donkey tour of the Grand Canyon. Oh, I know! It’s dying to see the washing machine horror exhibit known as the “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn.” Oooh scary.

Look. We didn’t sign up for this shit. So, we called Amazon back. Once again, extremely friendly, helpful, and really pissed off on our behalf. Hey, if you’re ever looking for a cohort, someone to be righteously indignant with you when no one else is around, call up Amazon customer support. I swear we could hear the dude lighting the torch and sharpening his pitchfork.

Long and short, not only were we assured that we would not be held responsible for the cost of the washer in any way, but they cc’d us a copy of an angry email they sent to “Bob’s” that included the other email they sent earlier showing that it wasn’t until the order was canceled that the company actually shipped the machine.

Yay Amazon! Thanks for stormin’ the castle with us! Now, just make sure this second one actually gets here. K, thnx.

No, I mean it. I HATE laundry. Hate it. I will do any other chore on the planet over washing clothes. And yet, now that I can’t just pop a load in and ignore it until that funky smell fills the bathroom and I say “Oh shit, that’s right, I have to actually take it out of the wash for it to get dry…” I must say, I miss having a working washer.

Come on, Amazon. Pull through this time. *crosses my fingers and hopes*

Great weather is dawning. Storms cleared out the humidity and it’s sunny with a light breeze. It’s the perfect weather for working on the car. And the lawn. And figuring out a place to store the Evil Washer of Non-compliance where it won’t get even more ruined. (What? No way in HELL I’m leaving a brand new washer behind if we can ever manage to move out of here! Gotta save this pathetic husk to leave here when we go.)

In order to do all those things, and the many more that need doing in bright, sunshiny weather, I need it to be a bit later. Neighbors and all. Right now in the neighborhood, we’ve got one asshole who has spent all spring desperately trying for the Worst Neighbor crown. I see no reason not to let him reach his end goal of being the most hated man on the block. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that would challenge him.

I mean, how sad would it be for him if all that drunken yelling, screaming, and mid-week middle of the night fireworks shooting is forgotten because I carelessly fired up the side grinder before 9 am? All that rubber he’s laid peeling out of his drive EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. has GOT to mean something, folks. It just has to.

So while I wait for an appropriate time to make an appropriate level of noise, let us get wildly INappropriate, shall we? While it’s too early for some things, it’s never too early for a….

*cue the go-go dancers* *fire up the catchy theme music* *bring in the guest yodlers*


Shh. Let the yodlers finish.

…or should I said, let them Finnish?

“No. Bad Bethie. Bad.”

…fair enough. A round of applause to our dancers and yodlers, and don’t forget the band! They had to learn some accordion riffs just for today.

Yes, headlines. While regular readers will recognize the segment, let me take a quick second to fill in the newbs. Every now and again I get a wild hare up my ass and scour the internets for headlines that are poorly worded, leave the wrong impression, or simply give me a funny image in my head. All of the headlines are bona fide legit. I just supply Bethie’s Discount Commentary.

– Surgical Team Mocks Sedated Patient–and it’s All Recorded

They’re mucking around inside his ass. IN HIS ASS. Was he hoping to catch them whispering sweet nothings?

– One-fourth of Americans Lie to Dentists About Flossing

I hate polls like this. Are they really expecting me to believe that a quarter of Americans actually admit to the dentist they don’t floss? Horse shit.

– Chinese City Defends Dog Meat Festival Amidst Criticism

I’m not going to be popular here, folks. Just because we’ve decided that dogs should play fetch doesn’t mean we have any right to deny a people a cheap source of meat. There are people who snuggle chickens. Cows are considered sacred to millions. I can’t tell a hungry person they can’t eat an animal just because I wouldn’t.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

CHINA WHAT THE HELL. I just defended you!

– SC Lawmakers Agree to Debate Removal of Confederate Flag

Wait. What’s the friggin’ debate? Take down the flags. Not hard, folks.

– Amazon Joins Other Online Retailers in Banning Sales of Confederate Flags

There! See? No debate. Not hard. And about friggin’ time!

– Major US Flag Maker to Stop Making Confederate Flags

…are you getting the message, South Carolina?

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Sorry, I just have to go back to this one for a sec because the longer I think about it, the more questions I have. Who the hell has a cache of forty year old meat lying around??

– New York Prison Break: Tailor Used Baked Goods to Help Escapees

Are you even kidding me with this shit?! If they actually, legitimately baked a file into a loaf of bread…AND IT WORKED….I give up on our legal system.

– Why Half of New Jersey was Pummeled with Storms While Other Half Spared

I’m torn between a horrible sinner joke and a Jersey shore guido jab. How about we make it reader’s choice? Think of your best Jersey burn. Come on, all together now. *think**think**chuckle* We just shared a moment, everyone. I feel closer to you now.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

…like, frozen? I mean, it absolutely cannot be fresh. That would be…like…mummified, right? Maybe it’s jerky. Because if it’s jerky, I guess I can sort of see it. But do you even know how much it would cost to run a freezer for FORTY YEARS? I just…I can’t…

– Prison Seamstress Smuggled Tools to Inmates in Raw Meat

Two things: First, I think China should take comfort in the fact that other countries are dealing with their own meat smuggling crises right now. Second…the fuck are inmates getting RAW MEAT for?? Clearly this happens with enough frequency that the guard on duty saw nothing amiss with RAW FRIGGIN’ MEAT being handed over to inmates. This is somehow so much worse than the baked good theory.

– International Cult of Snowden Grows

Poll time: Cult of Snowden, better or worse than Scientology?

*editor’s note: We at the Muse are not seriously suggesting that Scientology is a cult. Cults are religions, and Scientology is simply a pyramid scheme. We apologize for any confusion.*

– Telescope Construction Set to Resume, but Battle Remains

Another relationship ruined from the arguments over ambiguous Ikea instructions. Come on, Ikea. Why you gotta hate love?

– Republicans’ Trump Debate Mistakes

Hiring people to root for you during the debate is probably high on the oopsie list…

China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

How does FORTY YEAR OLD MEAT still exist in an area of the world where so many people are starving? No one in FORTY FRIGGIN’ YEARS said, “Hm. You know what? They haven’t touched this meat in 28 years…guess it’s up for grabs?”

– Ford’s New Smartbike Vibrates to Warn You About Potholes

Because random jiggling and wiggling while you’re balancing on two small wheels seems so much safer than actually watching the road.

– Shark Bites 8-year-old Boy In NC; No Warning to Swimmers

It didn’t even give the kid a fair warning first? What a dick.

– Woman Gets Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Mud Run

Once again my decision to never run unless I’m getting away from tigers or zombies is confirmed as a sound life choice.

– New Era in Police Recruiting: Courting Hearts and Minds

The right candidate will be someone who likes long walks on the beach, is open to sharing feelings through song, and is comfortable enough with their personal identity that they don’t have to use their weapon as a tool of control. No Bronies.

– How Kids Became the Strongest Argument for Same Sex Marriage

“See all these damn kids? See how loud they are with their snarled hair and sticky candy fingers? You want even MORE of these little bastards running around?? Two men, or two women…in a world filled with bellowing brats, IT JUST MAKES SENSE.”

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

There are no pictures of the actual meat with the story. Is it weird that I really, really want to see pictures of what 40 year old top round looks like? We could call it “science” if that makes it less weird…

– Kansas Judge Weighs Nation’s First Ban on Abortion Methods

First ban? Someone at the AP needs a history book.

– Oklahoma Drilling Regulator Calls Spike in Earthquakes ‘Game Changer’

“We weren’t really expecting the earth to be this much of a challenge, but late in the second quarter there, she really jumped up and hit back. We need to double down. More drills. More oil tapping. More mining and blasting and fracking…”

– American Attacked by Shark off Australian Coast; ‘I’m Very Lucky’

“Of all the surfers in all the world, that shark chose me as its hors devour. *sniff* And while he only took a little taste before spitting me out and popping an Altoid, it was an honor just to be considered.”

– Lattes and Mars Bars on Sale at North Korea’s Gleaming New Airport

Lattes AND Mars Bars? Well, then. I think that puts to rest any lingering doubts the world has expressed over North Korea’s commitment to human rights and social justice!

Buckingham Palace Needs Repairs; Queen May Have to Leave

It doesn’t matter if you’re a prince or a pauper…if you throw a raging kegger and trash the joint, you’re going to get kicked out.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Not to sound uneducated on the subject, but just how necessary is it to “smuggle” meat in China? This is a place that eats canine steaks. It doesn’t seem like they have the most stringent department of agriculture.

– Rand Paul Rolls Out 50 Supporters

…uh…good for you? I guess that’s a start? Now you just need a few dozen million more to really get this ball rolling.

– Moon Bears Rescued from Bile Farm in Vietnam

Shh. I’m closing my eyes and imagining what “moon bears” look like. They are fantastic.

– Dalai Lama to Speak at Glastonbury Rock Festival

Oooh snap. Your move, Pope.

– Shell Shocker: Triassic Reptile was ‘Grandfather’ to All Turtles

And for a super low, low price, you, too, can sample this rare delight at Bob’s Discount Vittles centrally located in beautiful downtown Shanghai.

…sorry, China. You kind of deserved that one.

Thus concludes a well Rounded Musing for Thursday, June 26, 2015. I can’t fire up the side grinder yet, but maybe I could get the lawnmower going. It’s just a little electric jobby and shouldn’t even put a hitch in my neighbor’s bid for the throne…

Did I just see go-go dancers lining up?


Mornin’ all.

I got up this morning to a Phil Collins song playing on the radio *gak* and weak coffee *shudder*. A most dubious beginning.

Now, I can look at this as an omen, a harbinger of the bad day to come. Or, I could look at these early morning events as the cosmos clearing the deck for me, getting the bad shit out of the way in a timely fashion so I can go about my duties without a cloud hovering above.

I’m going to choose the latter, simply because my second cup of weak ass brew is literally half full, and that’s GOT to be a sign.

Besides, things have improved. Bananarama is playing at the moment, so I don’t have to suffer through Phil Collins anymore, and I’ve started a new pot of real coffee, the kind my iron gut has become inured to over the years.

Yesterday was a busy car work day. We got a door painted, a brake booster tested and re-“o”rigned, and the shiny new beastie charged and started. Boy, is that a nice little car.

“The one you paid a few hundred for?”

Yep! Deal of the friggin’ century…and I’m not just saying that because it was cheap. It wasn’t just cheap, it was unbelievably cheap for what it is. Paint’s nice, interior’s beautiful, no rust, all the parts are there and they work. It has a shifting issue…the floppiness of the shifter leads me to believe it needs new shift bushings, and the color of the transmission fluid tells me it needs to be drained and given fresh fluid and a new filter. Also, if the fluid’s that dark and old, chances are good that a lot of crud has gunked up the gears inside the bell housing and will need to be…


…oh. Right. Sorry. We have a deal about automotive details, don’t we? Fine. I’ll just nutshell it for you then. We have never gotten one of these old diesels in this nice of a condition before, and this is the least we’ve ever paid for one.

Okay, car talk over. Hey, could have been worse. I could have talked about sportsball.

Goo Goo Dolls playing now. Sweet! I think the radio station is apologizing for it’s earlier Phil Collins gaffe, as well it should. And my pot beeped, signaling that the stomach-searing brew I usually start my day drinking is ready. See folks? Optimism isn’t just a concept made up to tick off pessimists. We started out rough and managed to turn it around with a positive attitude and an upbeat outlook.

“Uh, Bethie? The radio just plays on a looped pre-determined track, and you ran out of the crap coffee and had to make more. The same things would have happened to a pessimist.”

…don’t harsh my mellow with your logic. Here, take a cup of this fresh coffee and relax. I made it myself!

“*sip* *pfffbbblllppt*”

Mmm, right?

“That’s not coffee, that’s…that’s…”


“I can feel it dissolving my tongue.”

Don’t fight it. It’s better if you just accept your fate.

“Oh god…I think I accidentally swallowed a little…I can feel it spreading in my belly like hot coals.”

Yeah, uh, you’re probably going to want to get somewhere safe for awhile.


Oh dear. I didn’t know you had such a delicate constitution.

“Delicate constitution my ass!! It melted the coffee mug!

Whoa now. I see you’re one of those folks who gets a bit cranky when they’re under the weather.


Maybe I can do something to cheer you up.

“Like giving me an antidote?”

Silly mortal. There IS no antidote for a proper cup of coffee! No, I’m talking about lifting your spirits. Putting you in the same good mood I’m now in. Want a fresh baked muffin?

…I can tell by your blank stare that’s probably a “no.” Also, I can’t help but notice the smoke coming from the gum holes where your teeth used to be. Maybe I did make it a wee bit stronger than I intended…

“YA THINK??!!”

So if food’s out, then the only other way I can think of to put a little pep in your step is to bring out the go-go dancers and strike up the band for a….





Did you see the snazzy new bedazzled dance costumes on the ladies? And the way they glittered in the morning light?

…come on. Don’t sulk. I know you’re still upset and probably in a fair amount of agony, but it was only coffee. We *have* to be close enough so that we don’t let a little coffee ruin our friendship. Look, I even had the band wear top hats. You’ve never been able to resist a good top hat.

“…*grumble* *mutter* *sigh*…fine.”

That’s the spirit! Give the dancers and the top hatted band a round of applause so we can dive in. As always, I scoured the entire internet (or at least a small corner of it) for headlines that are awkward, weird, misleading, or simply put a funny image in my head. The headlines are 100% HGMO free…I just beef them up with free range jokes. Shall we begin?

– Illinois Man Backs SUV Through Garage Door, A Longtime Wish

Admit it…you’re desperate to know the rest of his bucket list now, too.

– America Searches for Its Pay Raise

Have you checked between the couch cushions?

– To Understand Rick Perry, You Need to Meet His Wife

Question: If Rick Perry were “Ronda Perry”, do you think any editor ever would allow the headline, “To Understand Ronda Perry, You need to Meet Her Husband?” Food for thought.

– Why Australia Has A Walking Fish Problem

Because it’s Australia, where animals spend their lives trying to think of new ways to terrify humanity.

– This PB&J Hack Will Save Your Pants

PB&J…hack? *smh* I…I…just can’t.

– Yellowstone Urges Tourist Common Sense Amid Bison Attacks

I guess the bison don’t want snuggles, folks.

– Pentagon: 51 Labs in 17 States Got Suspended Live Anthrax

Oh, ‘Merica. *sigh* *but not too deeply, because, you know, anthrax*

– TSA’s Competency Questioned After Failed Safety Tests

You mean a group of folks dragged off the street and given minimal training while being paid slightly above minimum wage might not be the most secure force against the war on terror? Huh. Whoda thunk?

– For Green Activists, Arctic Drilling Could Be the Next Big Thing

“Fighting against the whole California drought was a good idea, but it just didn’t pan out. I mean, did you know that California has DESERTS? You have no idea how hot and sweaty it is to protest in LA. So we’re like, ‘Let’s find some shade, man,’ because this global warming is a total bummer. Alaska or bust!”

– California Student Gets OK to Wear Eagle Feather at Graduation

…wait…ONLY an eagle feather?

– Gay Conversion Therapy Court Case Begins: ‘Jonah Lied- They Made it Worse’

So am I to believe that the dude came out of the program “more gay?” Is that…is that even a thing? And if that’s the stance he’s taking, would he have been a-okay with the program if he was “less gay” after? So many questions…

– Cybercrime Experts Try to Outwit Hackers

OH, is that what they do? Thanks to the No Shit Gazette, another great mystery of life has been unraveled.

– Killed By Her Back Alley Butt Implants

I’ve got to be honest. While the image in my head is amazing, I’m a little hesitant to share. I mean, someone died. But…butt. You see my conundrum.

– Duggars on Molestation by Son: ‘We Felt Like Failures’

Wait. Hold the phone. Are they…are they actually trying to garner sympathy after they covered up REPEATED instances of sexual abuse for a year and a half before they went to the police? Seriously?! Yes, Duggars. When you let your daughters continue to suffer after your son has repeatedly admitted to molesting them because you don’t want your precious boy child to get in trouble, you ARE failures.

– California Boot Camp for At-risk Kids Leaves Some Injured

Lazy, spoiled teens who are suddenly forced to go through military training can’t hack the physical strains of being insta-soldiers? Weird. It’s almost as if you’re saying that children aren’t just short adults or something.

– Marine Sanctuary in Jeopardy

Now is the time to step up, America. These men and women fought for our nation. If anyone has the right to roam free and wild in a protected wilderness, it’s them. Help a free-range vet today.

– Cops: Atlanta Driver Who Eluded Police Not So Fast On Foot

Goddammit, No Shit Gazette. You already got your nod for the day. Stop interrupting real news.

– Extreme Sport of Slacklining Gains a Foothold in Iran

If you’ve ever wondered if things have improved in Iran, let this be the answer for you. Iran has become so safe that their people are now looking for stupid ways to put their lives in jeopardy. That’s progress, folks.

– What Happens When There’s No Road to Kick the Can Down?

Um, then people will find better things to do with their time than kick cans.

– Lincoln Chafee Unveils Presidential Run, Puzzling Longtime Allies

Someone get Chafee a little aloe for that burn. Also, introduce him to some new friends, because DAMN.

– Manchester Peregrine Falcon Chicks Tagged

I’m all for art, but Banksy’s gone too far this time.

– Family Served Arrest Warrants for Cheering

There’s always one in the group that thinks every second of their child’s life needs to be accompanied by hoots, hollers, and bizarre urgings to “rip his head off, Bobby!” Don’t tell me a small part of you isn’t pumping your fist about this headline right now.

– Apple’s Tim Cook Delivered Blistering Speech on Encryption, Privacy

Oooh snap.

– The One Thing You Need to Know to Pass a Polygraph Test

Tell the truth.

Lookee! I can write an article, too! Now…how do I get paid?

– Man Gets Speeding Ticket for Going Speed Limit

About time law abiding citizens get what’s not coming to them!

– Colorado School Bans Gay Valedictorian’s Speech

Because in America, who you love is more important than how hard you’ve worked. #CommonCoreLife

– GOP’s Problem: Millennials Don’t Really Remember Ronald Reagan

Is that really their problem? Is it?

– KFC Is Going to Court to Dispel Rumors of GMO Spider Chickens

Spider chicken: Best. Superhero. EVER.

– Science Teacher Suspended for Using Jammer to Shut Up Students’ Cell Phones

Yes, let’s punish the teacher for actually wanting to have students listen to the lessons. #CommonCoreLife.

– 2 Arrested in Home Invasion; Stun Gun Used On Children

Don’t judge until you’ve seen a toddler use a binkie to shank a bitch.

– Kim Kardashian Says Dress Caught on Fire; Pharrell Saved Her

Dammit Pharrell.

KIDDING. Sheesh. Touchy this morning, aren’t you?

– School Axes Yearbook Photos of Teen Girls Who Refused to Wear Dresses

Thank god SOMEone finally stopped those girls from putting crazy thoughts in boys’ heads with their pants that show a female figure! #CommonCoreLife

– Authorities Unlikely to Stop 2016 Fundraising Free-for-all

Anyone else getting a fantastic image of Hillary and Bernie inside one of those money booths with the dollar bills flying all around, snatching and grabbing and throwing elbows and having it turn into an all out tug of war over the crumpled bucks, and Hillary sneering, “That’s mine, bitch!” and Bernie cackling with glee as he jabs Hillary with his cane and shouts, “MAPLE SYRUP FOR LYFE HAG!!!” ?

…just me, then?

Well. This got awkward.

Thus concludes a Morning Musing, Roundup style for Thursday, June 4, 2015. I’m off to do more of that work you don’t want details about, and I might even listen to sportsball talk radio while I do it. You best have someone take a look at your mouth. I don’t think it should still be sizzling like that…