It’s icky out and I don’t wanna do anything I’m s’posta…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

Late start here at the House of Bethie. It’s a heavy, drizzly morning, and it’s taken two cups of coffee and a healthy dose of internet to get my ass in gear.

…which technically isn’t even accurate, since I’m sitting still. My ass is not at all in gear.

So I thought I’d pop in for a little chat for awhile.

“Ah. Then you’re procrastinating.”

*shocked gasp of indignation* Are you insinuating that I’m only using you as a means to delay the laundry list of tasks stretching out before me today, which fittingly includes actual laundry?

“I’m not ‘insinuating’ anything. I’m coming right out and saying it.”

I read something this morning that I thought you’d enjoy hearing about. But, if you’re going to sit there and act like our relationship is nothing more than a distraction for me, then I don’t know if I feel like sharing after all. *sniff*

“Okay. I’m calling your bluff.”

Er…what?

“Thanks for the offer of coffee and a chat, but I’m booked. Now you’re free to go do your chores.”

…FINE YOU WIN. You’re an entertaining way for me to avoid laundry and dishes and sweeping and I’m sorry but that’s not all you are! Our friendship is deeper than mere distraction! I value your time and your input and your sense of humor and….PLEASE DON’T LEAVE! If you go, I’ll be forced to act…*cringe* responsibly *shudder*. PLEASE.

“Okay, okay. No need to get desperate. I was only having a little fun at your expense. Besides, you’re MY morning distraction, too. Now, what was this about something you read…?”

*wipes sweat off brow*

Yes. Right. You scared me for a minute there, heh heh. *deep breath*

Getting on track…

There was an article in the news this morning that was completely and utterly innocuous. A baby deer was born on a deer farm…

“They have those?”

Yep. And a fawn was born with unusual coloring. The face is white, though the body still had the brown and white patterning of a normal deer, and its eyes are blue. The mother deer rejected the fawn. It’s sad, but it actually happens frequently in nature. Sometimes a mum takes a look at the baby and says, “Nope.”

This happens for many reasons, some of which we probably will never understand since Dr. Doolittle doesn’t actually exist. Sometimes the reason is clear; the baby was born with obvious defects, the mother is sickly and cannot care for the young, etc. Sometimes it seems like the mum is just a bitch. There are definitely female animals in the wild that are shitty parents from the get and either won’t, or simply don’t, care for the babies they pop out.

My point is, it happens, and happens with so much frequency that it’s usually not news.

This story made the news because the deer is cute as hell. Not only that, but it’s now being raised by hand by its human tenders. The rag needed some fluff to counter the stories of murder, rape, and corporate asshattery that fill up the rest of the site, and if there’s one thing the internet loves, it’s a feel good story of a cute animal. Move over, Grumpy Cat…make room for Dragon!

…er, did I mention the deer’s name? Dragon, chosen by a little boy. So it’s a cute reject with an epic name being cared for by humans with big, big hearts. I’m literally choking on the feels.

I figured I was not alone, and scrolled to the comments section to fan girl with others who were also wiping away tears of squee overload.

The world is a screwy place, folks. By this point in my life, little truly surprises me. I’ve passed firmly into the late 30’s land of jaded “whatever” attitude, and am usually pretty unflappable. However, if there’s one thing that never, ever ceases to amaze me, it’s the unflinching look into the thoughts and feelings of humanity known as “user comments.”

I know we’ve spoken on many occasions about the dangers of reading user comments. I’ve been sucked down that rabbit hole so many times I’m starting to have serious psychological damage. And yet, like a moth to a flame, I cannot resist. I try, people. I do try. I read an article and put my hand on my mouse to click the red “x” at the top of the page and safely back out before…

But then something happens. My hand moves the mouse of its own accord. I am physically incapable of stopping it from hitting the “show comments” or “expand” or “join the conversation” missives at the end of the article, and before I know it, I’m once again utterly floored by the inner workings of the Average Joe. I just have to know what people are saying about what I just read.

Am I looking for agreement with my own opinions? Am I looking for someone to second that emotion? Or, perhaps I’m actually seeking out the opposite. Maybe I’ve got this sick side of me that wants- nay, CRAVES- dissonance. Maybe it’s a bit of all of that.

Whatever the reason, it happens. It happens, and I cannot look away.

What do you think people were saying about this deer? I thought I’d share the comments with you in a new section I’m making a regular part of the Musing. Now, I don’t have any catchy theme music yet, or figured out the style of dance I want for the intro. But I think I’m going to go ahead with the debut, because I can’t think of a better article to use to roll out…

*humming generic intro music while tapping my foot and doing jazz hands*

*** YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS!!! ***

As I stated above, this segment will feature user comments on news stories. It’s the addendum to the Headline Roundup, the post script to all the weird, wacky, and woeful tales of our world. Like the Headline Roundup, I will only use real, actual comments, all the glorious spelling and grammar errors included. Through this segment, we’ll get to know the crazy loonies that live and work and play where you do. Some of them are trolls. Some of them are championing a cause where it’s totally inappropriate. Some of them are just insane.

Sounds like good times, right?

Just to recap what we’re discussing, the article was about a domestic fawn named Dragon who was rejected by its mother after being born with a white face and blue eyes. Let’s see what people think:

1) “I wish I could pet her just one time.”

Aww. Now that’s the kind of thing I was expecting.

2) “Would make a nice rug.”

…and I was also expecting that.

      – “*above poster’s user name*, while I would agree with the sentiment, I cannot disagree with the statement itself.”

If this makes sense to you, I think you should start worrying.

3) “Montana is probably all a-twitter to see if they can get the motherless animal so they save it with a dose of dynamite. After all it didn’t have collogen from the mother etc etc etc.”

Uh…come again? Is that some weird inside jab at Montana?

4) “He is beautiful.”

Okay, back on solid, reasonable ground here.

      -“So is Bruce Jenner.”

…wait…

      – “Bruce Jenner is an idiot. You can put a Chevy emblem on a Ford but its still a Ford. Now he is just a man without a pecker.”

WHOA NOW. I thought this was an article about a deer?

      – “You got the hots for jenner? leave it be, this has nothing to do with it.

Thank you! Now, back to deer talk…

5) “Beautiful eyes!”

They’re big, blue eyes. They are indeed, beautiful.

      -“Those eyes make it look like it is an albino. But the brown everywhere else doesn’t fit.”

Hm, good point.

      – “Albinos have red eyes not blue moron.”

Hey. No need for name calling.

      -“I know a albino and he has blue eyes not red so whos the moron now”

Well, judging by your lack of punctuation and grammar, the case is still stacked against you, pal.

      – “*original poster’s user name*, I thought so too, but albinos have red eyes I believe. Maybe some albinos have blue. I have blue eyes, but I’m not an albino, lol. But I’m not a deer either. (I think it’s bedtime for me, I don’t think that came out the way I wanted it to.)”

Uh, yeah. Nighty night, freak show.

6) “Cute little fawn. It sure is lucky it wasn’t born with a black face, some cop would come along and shoot it as it was running away, with the cop screaming, it s-s-c-cared me or, I saw it morph into a demon and had to shoot it. It was trying to attack me as it ran away.”

What just happened?

      – “OMG man! Are you a real person?! If so, you should be captured and studied. You sir, are a unicorn! This isn’t me being sarcastic, this is me being truthful! Bless you!”

I…I think that somehow made it worse.

– “*above poster’s user name*, I try to fight against the BS of many who call themselves human, but have no sense of humanity. :-{ Thank you.”

I’m missing something, here…

– “*above poster’s user name*– But mostly you spend your time in mommy’s basement abusing yourself, right *user name*? Can you point to having anything to do with “humanity” in YOUR post? Have your husband refill your prescription.”

Okay, now they’re just screwing with us. I’m starting to lose my sanity. WASN’T THIS ABOUT DEER??

7) “Sad mother shunned it, pretty animal!”

A comment I can really get behind!

      – “Natural- in nature the white would have alerted predators – the brown white spots blend in with natural environment – white does not. All animals reject those that don’t’ fit in native knowledge that they in the wild environment will not ever survive. Energy (hunting, defending so on takes great resources. Finding a mate, having another newborn does as well.) They move on. In a natural environment this deer would not have survived for long. So glad for the sanctuary.”

Oooh, so close to a coherent argument, yet so far away.

      – “*above poster’s user name*— Well, when you are wrong, you really hang it out there. All-or-partially white deer are in every deer herd, wild or tame. I have seen white deer in the woods, they are unusual. They are not “rejected” by their mothers at any higher rate than “normally” colored deer, and grow to adulthood like any other. Two or three are taken by hunters every year in MN and WI, and usually make the papers. If you hallucinate they “never survive”, you are full of deer berries. Where do you city basement dwellers get this crap?”

You tell him! Also, “you are full of deer berries” is now my new favorite insult.

8) “Dragon? Really? You couldn’t find a better name for such a beautiful animal? How about “Grace”, or “Snow?” White Beauty would do nicely. But Dragon? Come on. You can easily do better than that. This is the most beautiful deer I have ever seen, and I have seen many. To name it Dragon is an insult to it’s creation. Just sayin.”

Dragon is the sickest, most kickass name a lowly deer could possibly hope for. I honestly don’t see where this tool is coming from.

      – “Tell that to the little boy that named it.”

Yeah! A little kid! You just pissed on the hopes and dreams of a little kid, you unfeeling monster!

      – “*above commenter’s user name* I have raised children as well. And I teach them hot to do things right, not just let them do as they choose. If they make a bad choice, I tell them it is bad and explain why. That is part of being a parent. Just because a little boy picked the name for this deer does not mean that it is the right one. It is called a “teachable moment”.”

*blurrgghp* That was the sound of me, choking on this self righteous douchebaggery.

      – “dragons, at least the fictional and mythical types of dragons, while usually very large and intimidating, and frightening and deadly to humans, are also very fascinating, and very beautiful creatures. I think the name is extremely appropriate…”

IT’S A DEER. WHY are you all wasting so much of your life arguing about the name of a deer!??

9) “That deer is being discriminated against because its white…if it was a black deer, everybody would be jumping on the bandwagon to help it out, but because its white, it’s being treated in a discriminatory fashion…even the deer are being hurt by political correctness.”

*blink**blink* I changed my mind. Can we go back to arguing about the name?

– “Great to be in a sanctuary – in the wild the white would tip it off to predators – hence the “rejection”…The Blue Eyes on white are stunning! Glad to see someone took it in. Sorry to hear some states blow up sentient beings.”

It took a turn I was not expecting there in the end. Another reference to Montana? Just what in the holy hell do you have going on up there, Montana?

     -“Liar”

Wait. Which part? Confused.

10) “If I told you they would never have run this story if it had been a rejected black face… you would call me crazy… but, I know how the Lib mind works…and perhaps you don’t.”

Ugh. Back to race? Seriously? I know it’s a real issue that is truly important. But once again, THIS IS ABOUT A DEER.

     – “Really a shame that you have to bring your prejudice and hatred into a basically sweet story.”

Real talk!

     – “Heck! Could be even worse, *original poster’s user name*. What if it were a dad- gummed mooslim a-rab deer from Kenya?

What. The. Hell.

     – “*original poster’s name*, shut up.

Ditto!

– (from the original poster) “the writers of this article know! they are molding your minds like clay.

I am now confident in my gut reaction that the original poster of this thread is certifiably insane. Let’s move on.

11) “White fawns make great eating.”

*snort* …what? Like you didn’t laugh.

12) “I can’t believe something with a White face and blue eyes that hasn’t sacrificed it’s daughters to the diversity mud pit is even being considered as worth saving.”

I think we’re all sharing a collective “huh?” right now.

13) “If the deer was gay instead of albino, you people would be siding with the mother that abandoned it! =P”

Can we just discuss the fucking deer? Can we, internet?

     “*original poster’s user name*: That’s what’s going in in your little head.

*sigh* Nope. Guess we can’t.

     “*above poster’s user name* No, YOU’RE the one with the little head!”

Oooh snap? Now put away your fire truck and I’ll get your binkie for nappy time.

14) “He is beautiful! Luckily he wasn’t born in Montana.”

Oh for gawd’s sake. *mad googling* *scanning articles* OHHH. Okay. See, when certain large animals are put down in Montana, the large carcasses are then blown up. Now I get it. They don’t kill the animals with the TNT, but I can see how the internet has gotten it wrong and made MT the butt of jokes.

15) “I think it’s beautiful.”

Me too!

     -“Thank you.”

Wait…did you give birth to it? Because I gotta be honest…I’d MUCH rather be reading the comments on THAT article!

16) “That’s gotta be the cutest dang deer I ever did see!”

Make sure you compliment the poster above.

     – John Smith replied: “Rejected and left to die by its mother; I’m surprised it didn’t have a black face.”

Dammit. I thought folks were done dragging race into this. (And I’m saying his name because someone tries to make a clever reference in a bit. Tries.)

     – “John Smith your probably a reject yourself.”

Guess kindergarten retorts really are making a comeback.

     – “*above poster’s user name*- If YOU’RE going to attempt to insult me then YOU’RE going to have to do a better job.”

Aw honey no. I know you aren’t trying to play grammar police after that illogical bomb you dropped.

     -“Actually John Smith, nature knows best. Every animal tends to reject a white offspring which is what hue-mans should’ve done. The world would be a much more peaceful place to live.”

Yikes. I’m having a hard time keeping up with the critiques on this thread. Where do I begin with THIS piece of mental diarrhea?

     – “John Smith I hope you find Pocahontas, you need her real bad, most animals take care of their own, some do have strange behavior, lioness is one, then are animals like you John Pocahontas Smith, I am glad most white’s are not racist, thank God for good white people, they don’t see us as animal. John, John please get intouch with Pocahontas she could tell you a thing or two or three or four.”

And there we go, the aforementioned reference. I can’t understand most of what this dude is getting at, but in the end, his parting advice is the most sound thing in this entire thread. John Smith, you need to be told a thing or two or three or four.

…by Pocahontas.

Thus concludes a Muse for Tuesday, June 9, 2015. I’m off to start all those chores you kept me from starting earlier. Your slacking is rubbing off on me. You should work on that, or else my Mum won’t let me hang out with you anymore.