Another year without a nuclear meltdown has got to be making them rethink the calendars…

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Mornin’ all.

We done went and had ourselves a bit of winter this week. It was sleeting so hard that when I got up the other day that it sounded like a pipe had broken. I had a momentary flashback to last years’ Pipes of Hell winter production before I got a grip and realized that it was a balmy 30 degrees, and the water was coming down from above, not up from below.

I took a look outside. A couple inches of snow, then ice pellets as far as the eye could see. What an awful mess! Fortunately for us, no one had anywhere they needed to go. Kids were home from school, man was home from work. There wasn’t a single reason any of us had to go out.

So of course we went out.

…what? Oh come on. It’s a New England tradition. The plows had already come through, so we weren’t clogging up the roads and getting in their way, and there was almost no traffic. As soon as you can, you get in your car and chug the mile to the local grocery store to make sure every other redneck congregated there still agrees with your assessment that winter is wicked fahkin’ shitty. It’s just what you do. I don’t make the rules, people.

Besides, we were low on milk. Not quite out, but low enough that the morning joe would be tan, not khaki. Couldn’t have that first world problem, now could I? I mean, I chipped a nail this week, too. There’s only so much one person can take.

We’re halfway through the kids’ holiday break. For the most part, it’s been pretty smooth. They needed to clean their rooms to make space for fresh inventory after Christmas. I remember when that meant they played with the rediscovered toys while I sat buried under the heaps of long forgotten treasures, desperately trying to throw out the crap that the kids only suddenly NEEDED because it was time for it to go.

Now, even the littlest pup is old enough to mostly guide himself in cleaning.

I’m not saying I don’t have a couple in the litter who show the same hoarding tendencies I possess. Sometimes I’ll catch the pup sneaking a broken toy under the bed. “What’s that?” I’ll say. “I can fix it,” he’ll protest. “Put it in the trash before you end up with an hour long TLC special,” I’ll tell him, carefully creasing my brow in practiced parental consternation.

Aside from cleaning, it’s been mellow and game-filled. They are my little flock of geeks and got some cool games for Christmas. And while they got out and played before the shit weather rolled in, I can’t say any of them seemed the least bit disappointed to discover that Mother Nature made sure their time was free for digital adventuring.

Pokemons explored caves. Isaacs were…bound? I’m sorry, I don’t really know how that game works. Brain puzzles were solved, and, if the excited tittering wafting from the teen lair was any indication, large battleships were thwarted.

Looks like they’ll have that same kind of morning again today, at least. It’s raining and the snow/ice is getting a fresh, glossy glaze. Hey, I suppose I can’t complain. I mean, it’s the first real sign of winter, and it’s almost 2016.

Can you believe it? Another year out. Pfft, just like that. Seems like I cracked open my free 2015 calendar the nuclear power plant sends to all the folks that live in the potential fallout zone just yesterday.

…true story. Got next year’s unusual bribe all ready to hang in the morning. If the plant ever blows, at least I’ll have the warm memories of all the free calendars they sent over the years to temper my anger at their incompetence and give me comfort. Well, the warm memories and the literal warmth of the radiation…

It’s that time of year again when we look back and reflect on the old shitstorm we’re leaving behind before our hungover asses wake up to the first misting sprays of the new one. Everyone’s recapping the year as only the internet can.

Most sites are linking their favorite lists by category. The news this year was, by and large, fairly bleak. I’m looking through these lists of murders and scandals and jihads and arrests and it’s depressing as hell. There was a link on MSN to the “20 Cutest Internet Cats of 2015.” I was thinking that would take the sting off the hell hole we’re in and clicked on it. True to their word, some of the kitties really did have squiffy wiffy faces. I was feeling more positive until I clicked on the last cat. The last cat on the list looked like Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is now ruining the palate-cleansing ability of internet kittehs. Screw you, Donald Trump. #generalmessageof2015

Then there are the usual lists of celebrity lives that ended in the course of the year. The entertainment sections have lists of actors and singers that shuffled off this mortal coil. The sports section listed “7 Sports Heroes You’ll Miss Next Year.” What a set up articles like that are. I didn’t even know these people existed until you told me, and then as soon as I find out about them, you tell me they died. I was in a world of blissful ignorance before. Any emptiness and loss I now feel for heroes I will never get to know is completely your fault, sports writers. Screw you, too.

Science and tech sections also have their loss articles, but no one reads them. I think that’s probably sadder than the fabricated depression from the sports writers. This keyboard I’m typing on could have been invented by someone who died this year, and I’ll never know. I mean, I *could* know, I guess. I just won’t.

Hey, at least I’m honest.

Aside from the news bits, many of the lists on the internet are sponsored. “Top 20 Hairstyles of 2015,” brought to you by Wen hair care. Just guessing here, but I think these styles are going to be held in place with Wen’s Dr. MacGuillicuddy Formula Super Shiny Impossible-to-Muss All Purpose Hair Shellac Elixir and Floor Polish. They’re also linking their least favorite lists. “Worst Hairstyles in 2015.” Looks like there are many folks out there who didn’t buy Wen. Tighten that shit up in 2016, folks. Just call Wen and ask for “magic hair beans.” They’ll know what you’re talking about.

Here’s a good one. “50 of the Best Cars of 2015.” How about, “80 Great Breakfasts to Start off the New Year.” This is one you cannot miss: “101 Life Hacks We Learned in 2015.”

It cracks me up when I see lists like this. 50 Best Cars…so, like…ALL the cars of 2015, then? I think they just try to one up each other. I think the folks at BuzzFeed brainstorm or interface or idea-share or whatever they call it to try and come up with a list that cannot be topped.

“Let’s see if we can think of a list that will dwarf all other lists,” some asshole in an ill-fitting plaid shirt says as he pushes thick-framed, lensless glasses up his nose.

Stanley gulps, though whether because of genuine panic or simply discomfort the starched bow tie pressing against his Adam’s apple creates is undetermined. “Dave,” he rasps. “You’re talking about…the Golden List.”

The group gasps as one, but Dave is undeterred. He holds up a perfectly manicured hand, mostly to flash the sweet 1986 Casio calculator watch he found at a yardsale that sometimes even works, and the group stills. “Yes.”

The one word gets the hipsters riled enough to forget their corporate catchphrases. “That’s fucking nuts!” someone shouts. “It’s a pipe dream, Dave!” says another.

“This is it,” Dave shouts above the din of the crowd. Everyone settles back down. “I said it in January and I meant it. This is OUR year. We’re not leaving this office until we finally do it. I want everyone to network and give each other input and no one is leaving until we come away with the Golden List.”

Stanley hitches up his high waisted acid washed jeans he’s totally wearing ironically, duh, and takes a deep breath. “You do know that’s the top, right? That’s the pinnacle. If we create the world’s most comprehensive list, it’s all downhill from there. We’ll never be able to beat it.”

Dave removes the annoying empty frames, stares long and hard at his expectant hispt-herd, and finally utters, “Then we go out in a blaze of glory, my friends. Who’s with me?”

50 cars. 80 breakfasts. 101 life hacks… I tried to do a Google search for “longest compilation lists,” “longest year end wrap up lists,” and “longest dumb lists of shit that happened in 2015,” but I simply confused the Google Overlords. They still think I want a list of armed conflicts near large rivers. Should make my autofill even more interesting next time.

Things happened this year. More things did not. We were great at realizing problems, but really shitty at fixing them. We’ve got to work on that in 2016. We’ve had some deaths, some more personal than others, and some births. Folks set records, smashed records, invented records, and some even recorded records, though they won’t just call them “records” anymore and that’s super annoying. There was a lot to 2015.

I look back on the news, the media, the trends and stories and pop culture ebbs and flows. What do I want to talk about in terms of the year we’re leaving behind? I have spent the year blogging. I got most of it out of my system when it happened. Something grabbed my attention, I hopped on and “Mornin’ all-ed”, and walked away feeling lighter and freer. I generally don’t need to recap, since it’s all archived and anyone is free to look back on their own if they want.

However, there is something nagging me that I need to get off my chest before I can move forward. Somehow I missed the news when it came out, and then it became awkward to talk about apropos of nothing. But that’s what year end round ups are for, right? It’s a time to have one last chance to air your grievances before you close the calendar, throw it away, and start fresh.

With that in mind, here’s Bethie’s Huge Annoyance of 2015. I’m not even going to try and compete for the Golden List award. It’s really simple. Just one thing.

This:

hoverboard

THIS IS NOT A HOVERBOARD!!! It doesn’t hover. It doesn’t even come CLOSE to hovering. It’s on GODDAMN WHEELS for crying out loud. It’s AT BEST a crooked skateboard. It’s not innovative. It’s not the “future”. It’s just a board with spinny wheels on it. WHEELS. No hovering capabilities whatsoever. The emperor is naked and it’s time someone stood up and said something.

STOP CALLING IT A FUCKING HOVERBOARD!!!!! GAAAHHH!!!!

*exhausted panting* *deep breath* *slicks back crazy wayward lock of hair* *clears throat*

There. NOW I’m ready for 2016.

Thus concludes the last Musing for 2015. I say this every year, and every year some dope ignores the good advice. If you want to usher in 2016 by getting utterly shit faced, cheers! Now, grab a couch. A floor. Be the huddled mass in the bathtub moaning all night. Whatever you do, DON’T DRIVE AFTER YOU DRINK!! Any is too many. I hope everyone gets to wake up tomorrow morning with a headache, cotton mouth, and a nagging suspicion that the lampshade and goat weren’t actually a dream…

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I’mma get right to the point today:

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Mornin’ all.

Usually when I see headlines that crack me up or make me roll my eyes, I hop on here and have some sort of friendly – some may say rambling- intro. I’ll tell you about my cat, or my car, or my cat driving my car (boy, do I WISH I could say that!). I’ll give you a not-always-quick glance into my world as we work through the first sips of my horrendous coffee together.

Not today.

Today, we’re shaking things up. I’ve got no funny anecdotes. The silliest thing my cat did was puke all over the dining room THREE times, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that. Cars suck, but only slightly less than horses, and none of the kids has done anything we need to applaud or bitch about this week.

So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve already got the go-go dancers ready, the band had a last minute jam warm-up to drown out the radios NON-FRIGGIN-STOP Christmas music, and the coffee just finished growling. Should be safe to drink once the growling stops.

Grab a cup and a chair and buckle in for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*catchy theme music* *furious up-tempo jazz steps*

Aaaaaand…cut! Everyone give a quick round of applause for the ladies and the band. There you go. Off the stage. Go. NOW.

Yes, we’re doing a Roundup today. For those not in-the-know, the internet news sites are full of poorly worded or misleading headlines. Sometimes they make light of a serious situation. Sometimes, it’s as if the editor fell asleep on the keyboard they’re so confusing. And sometimes they just give this weirdo an unusual mental picture that my inner narcissist must share. As always, the headlines themselves are too legit. The commentary is what might make you want to quit.

Shall we begin?

“Do we have a choice?”

Absolutely not!

-Trump Adds New Target: Ted Cruz

So his hate list is now Mexicans, Muslims, and muppets. “M”ommy issues, Trump?

– Calif. Attacks Raise Fear of Jihadi Wife

Are…are they implying that your wife will secretly go behind your back and join ISIS? Because it really seems like they’re implying that people are legitimately concerned about this…

– Models Devour Buffalo Wings

NAW BITCH. You get pretty bras, cameras flashing on your perfect dimples, and your bunions treated on Prada’s dime after the photo shoot. I get chicken wings. I don’t venture into your world, you don’t cross the line into mine.

– Ultra Modern Homes Fit For the “Hunger Games”

In what way, exactly? They’re half-crumbling? The tax burden imposed by a tyrannical government means the residents will be in constant poverty? Terrified children hide in them??

– Foolproof Secrets to a Blissful Marriage

1. Don’t secretly join a radical terrorist group behind your husband’s back.

– 9 Reasons to Eat Walnuts Right Now

This article is unfairly biased against people who don’t have walnuts. I’m offended. Let’s launch a Twitter attack. #impossiblewalnutdreams

– Rude Behaviors You Can Get Away With in Other Countries

What?! NO!! And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re buffoons!

– Springsteen Fans Upset Over “River Tour” Ticket Prices

Brucey babe. Heart to heart…I know your dream is to have a Scrooge McDuck silo of gold you can swim in, but you’re missing the big picture here. Somehow, against all odds and every sense of reason in this universe, you STILL HAVE FANS. Cool it on the pool of gold and throw those poor saps a bone.

– Funerals for 14 Killed in California Massacre Begin Somberly

Uh…were we expecting something different?

– Syrian Refugees Greeted Warmly in Canada

Yay Canada! It’s got to be awful hard to be so chill in the face of such a global hot button issue. I wonder what their secret is?

– Going to Pot? Canada Leads the Way in Legalizing Marijuana

…oh. Well. That clears things up.

– Diplomatic Pressures Force Syria Opposition to Table

“That’s it! I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can no longer pretend to support this office’s choice of marble top in the conference room. We should have gone with mahogany and if I were a stronger man, I would have said so at the time. There. *sigh* I feel so free.”

– Tokyo Deploys Drones that Use Nets to Capture Drones

We’ve done it. We’ve trained our AI to truly act like humans and defeat their own race. We can pat ourselves on the back as we bow before our new robot overlords.

– Trump a “Disgrace” Saudi Billionaire Says

Yup.

– Donald Trump’s Name Torn off Dubai Golf Course

Yeah, I’d say that’s on par.

NO I WON’T TAKE IT BACK. You knew this was a pun-friendly environment when you signed up. Don’t act all butt-hurt about it now.

– Syria’s Assad Buying “A Great Deal” of ISIS Oil, US Official Says

“And I’m like, what gives, Assa-hat? We called dibs on that oil…”

– Angola’s Global Host of World Environment Day 2016 and its Elephant Population

This is the discussion in the meeting before the publication of this article: “They’re hosting the environmental thing, but that’s not enough to get people to click. We need a human interest side to this story. Bill, if I say “Angola”, what pops in your head?” “Uh…sweaters?” And after much grumbling because Bill is utterly USELESS and would have gotten the ax a long time ago if he weren’t the EIC’s nephew, someone came up with the elephant idea. People like elephants. And they probably live in Angola, right? “Are the elephants wearing sweaters? Cus that’d be sick, brah.” *sigh* Sure Bill. The elephants can be wearing the sweaters. *rolly eyes*

– Farm Worker Accused of “Maliciously” Killing 4 Chickens

Unless you plan on lopping the head off, dipping the thing in boiling water while it’s still thrashing, violently pulling out all the feathers, then spilling its guts on the ground before feasting on its meaty flesh the humane way, leave those chickens alone.

*editor’s note: We here at the Muse are very pro-flesh dining. I wasn’t banging the vegetarian drum. I was merely pointing out the rank hypocrisy of a chicken farmer getting offended at the killing of his chickens. Put down the PETA t-shirt. I don’t want one.

– From A Risky Space Walk to the Top of Mt. Everest

That seems to be the wrong order to me. I know people lose their shit over Everest, but c’mon. Sherpas have been climbing it for ages. There are permanent camps set up for people to take a month long climbing break. It’s got LADDERS chained to the rock walls! Ladder-laden mountain vs. muthafreakin’ SPACE. Priorities, folks.

– How Technology is Redefining the Afterlife

Spoiler: it isn’t.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

Oh. Well then. I stand corrected.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

I can just imagine how many dead zones there will be.

…face it, you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t.

– Twitter Expands Ads to Reach Users Who Didn’t Log In

Twitter, you’re getting creepy. #stopstalkingme,twitthole

– Bright Spots on Ceres Aren’t Aliens Afterall

Fuckin’ duh. We never said they were. Clearly lights aren’t aliens. What we SAID was that the lights were CREATED by aliens, and frankly, your evasion of the facts just bolsters my opinion. LIFE ON CERES!!

“Twitter: @BethReason Didn’t you mean #lifeonCeres? :P”

Ew Twitter stop. I’ve got mace.

– See Saturn’s Funky “Potato” Moon

Yes please!

– How Fallout 4 Took Over My Life– And Gave Me A New One

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

– Squishing Baby’s Faces is Japan’s Latest Social Media Trend

Why can’t I muster up either confused outrage at the antics, or sympathy for the mush-faced babies? Curse you, internet. You have jaded me.

– British Cops Search for Hoverboard Riding Robber

Shouldn’t take long. They just have to look for the pile of ash. OH YEAH hoverboard makers! Need a little aloe for that sick burn?!

No, seriously. Take the aloe. We heard about your inability to stop your products from exploding and are legitimately worried for you.

– Wild Boar in Germany Adopted By Herd of Cattle

Oh, stop. Who are you to judge what makes a family a family? It’s not just “Adam and Eve” anymore. Sometimes it’s “Hoven and Cleaved”.

*Drops mic*

*dons sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a brief Roundup for Saturday, December 12, 2015. I need to work on car wiring today. I feel I should have e.e.cummings-ed that statement, and said it with all the apathy I could be bothered to muster. Let’s try that again.

the car wires  rip at my soul with their uselessness

                                            and yet i find myself

                                             loath to fix them

perhaps a fairy will enter the engine compartment

                                          and make the effort to sort

                                          the frayed ends of my life

or maybe

it won’t

A tumbleweed just rolled on by. That can only mean one thing ’round here…

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Mornin’ all.

My ninja cat almost took me out this morning. I was halfway down the stairs when she materialized out of nowhere and decided it was time to finish her training and ascend to the level of jonin. Apparently that meant winding her way through my legs while I was mid-step. She’s sitting tall and proud, a noble representative of her people. I have clean shorts on now, but my heart is still racing.

Damn cat.

I’ll just drink some more of this tar. I mean coffee. That’ll calm me down. *sssssip* *choke* *sizzle* *moan* Can’t…feel…my…tongue.

Good batch!

I was looking at the news this morning and a few headlines just popped out at me. I’m not even going to ramble for awhile. I did a bunch of rambling yesterday (NEW HORIZONS WOOT!!!!) and I really just want to get in to some silly fun. What better way to shake off the terror of ninja Kitty’s training and early morning coffee than to…

You know what? I was going to cue the go-go dancers, but I think we’re going to keep up with the “something a little different” theme today is shaping up to have. Strike up the band, put your coffee down and join the girls on the stage. Audience participation day!

“Oh, no, Bethie.”

Come on. Do it!

“Really, I couldn’t…”

Aw now, it’ll be fun! You’ll see. Cut loose for once.

“Welllll…. *whips off robe to uncover dancing costume*”

There ya go! Now, it’s time for a….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

Wow. I had no idea you could moonwalk. Look at those gams! Did you borrow the pasties from one of the girls, or….you know what? Forget I asked. To each their own, right?

For those who aren’t familiar with the Roundup, every so often I read a headline or two that strikes my fancy. Perhaps it’s poorly worded, or contains unforgivable grammar mistakes. Sometimes they’re misleading. And sometimes they just take my weird mind down an unintended path. I’ll gather these headlines up and present them to you in one easy to digest article…with jokes. As always, these headlines appear as written on real news sites, and are 100% legitimate. I just supply the 99.44% all natural commentary. Shall we begin?

– Cruz Calls for ‘Immediate Investigation’ Into Planned Parenthood

Why is this muppet still around? Go buy some more of your own books, Ted.

– Your Data is Compromised. (Yes, Yours.) What Now?

*blink**blink* Well that escalated quickly.

– When the End of Human Civilization is Your Day Job

Eh, somebody’s gotta do it.

– China is Using Televised Confessions to Shame Detained Lawyers, Journalists and Activists

Ooooh, so close, China. You did a good job with the lawyers, but that’s where you should have drawn the line. People don’t want to see journalists and activists publicly shamed. You have to shame them in private. Nice attempt to fit in with the rest of the “civilized” world, B-.

– Harvard Researchers Have the Answers to Raising Good Kids

And for the low, low price of $19.99, you, too, can join the millions of people who have taken the Home with Harvard online seminar. But wait, there’s more! If you act now…

– French Company Designs Face-to-face Airplane Seating

Because it’s not really des vacances until you can smell the fetid fromage wafting from your cell mate’s…er…I mean, SEAT mate’s drooling maw.

– Worst Dark Chocolates for Weight Loss

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “any.” Any dark chocolates are probably bad for weight loss.

– NASA Returns Sesame Street Goodies from Space

Good. You shouldn’t have taken them in the first place, NASA! Now say you’re sorry, then go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

– Michelle Obama Reveals her Dance Inspiration on SYTYCD

…Sittisid? What the fuck is sittisid? Is that like, one of those EDM drugs?? Why is our First Lady on it?? Do you think we should start a campaign to make people aware and help her get off the stuff? You can do it, Mrs. Obama! Reach deep inside and find the clean and healthy you!!! #FreeMichelle

– Craft Sends Signal From Near Pluto

WHAT!?! A mysterious craft sends us a message!?! HOLY SHIT…ALIENS!!!!!???? I better click on this article RIGHT NOW and…

…*grumble* Never mind. Damn your click bait, Vox.

– Don’t Microwave Those Leftovers; it Could Lead to Diabetes

…especially if you’re microwaving chocolate cake. That’ll ‘prolly not be the best for ya…

– Find Out Who Justin Bieber Has a ‘Big Crush’ On

No.

– Trout Leads Off with Homer

How in the hell does a fish swing a bat? Mind. Blown.

– All-Star Game Hats are Terrible, Worthy of Scorn

And so I say to you, shun them. Turn your backs and shun the head coverings of Satan, for they are wicked and deserving of your contempt.

– Trump Campaign Mistakenly Tweets Star-Spangled Nazis

What’s the term for a Freudian slip that’s made over texts? #FreudianBlip

– LGBT Immigrants Taking A More Forceful Stand as Reform Efforts Languish

LGBT? Check. Immigration law? Check. Protests? Check. Controversial flags? … … no controversial flags? Damn. I was one away from “Hot Button Bingo”.

– PETA Says Sea World Employee Masqueraded as Animal Activist

Well, well, well. The tables have turned.

*author’s note: I’m not supporting Sea World. I support the conservation work they do, and the care and rehabilitation they offer injured animals, but I cannot support them as an organization until they stop taking large, healthy animals from the wild and sticking them inside tiny fish bowls. However, I hate PETA, and I think it’s comically idiotic that they’re getting pissed about the switcheroo now that it’s going the other direction. In a nutshell, suck it up PETA and take it like a man-imal.*

– The Name Atticus Acquires an Unwelcome Association

As if we really need another reason not to name our kid “Atticus”.

– Presidential Election Already Fueled By $377 Million

And that’s why we citizens can’t have nice things.

– Inside the Florida Town that’s Known as the ‘Psychic Capitol of the World’

I think you spelled “psychotic” wrong…

– Mo. County to Rescind Plan to ‘Mourn’ Gay Marriage Ruling

SMH…I mean…*sigh*…good for them? I guess? Give them a cookie for doing what they were supposed to do in the first place? Or, not doing what they…you know what I mean. Oh, Mo.

– Agency Faulted for Inaction After California Oil Spill

In all fairness, betting on which seagull bobbing in the water was going to get covered in oil first was, technically, action…

– Apple Watch: Not Dead Yet

Keep telling yourself that, Apple.

– Fla. Man Struck By Wife in Fight Over Confederate Flag: Cops

With all the psychic activity in Florida, I’m surprised he didn’t see that coming.

– What the Iran Nuclear Deal Means for Pistachio Lovers

Ok. I understand that when news breaks every news outlet scrambles for a different take on the story. But…pistachios? Really? That’s your “A” game, IBT?

– Why You Can’t Eat Just One Fry (Or Donut or Pizza Slice)

Because they’re fucking delicious. No need to complicate it with science, Quartz.

– Threats Force Satan Statue Unveiling to Secret Detroit Venue

Aw, lookit the controversial artist trying to be all big and tough and relevant. Soooo close, too. Next time, don’t wimp out at the showing.

– Chinese Company Worships Steve Jobs with Golden Bust

No golden idol worshiping, China. Bad China. Bad.

– Biofuel Made from Beer is Now Powering Cars in New Zealand

If a self-driving car is powered by beer, can it get pulled over for DUI??

– New CEO: Some People on Reddit ‘Shouldn’t Be Here At All’

Welcome to the internet, man.

– Door-Knocking Iowa Homeschoolers Courted by Republican Suitors

“Door-knocking homeschoolers?” Is this some weird midwest double entendre? Gross, Iowa.

– The Internet of Things Goes After Kids

Huh? This makes less sense than the Iowa headline. What’s going on, AP? You feeling all right? I’m starting to worry.

– Gold Bust of Kate Moss, Now What?

CHINA!!! Stop it this instant!

– Brandy Sings on Subway, No One Notices

I’m torn here. As a human being, I feel bad for her. But as a user of the internet for over half my life… *snort*

– For Traditional Ear Cleaner in India, Business Waning

Odd. Usually it’s waxing.

*author’s note: I wasn’t gonna, then I was like ‘Welp, at this point, it’s kind of expected…’ Blame yourselves for the puns, readers. If you expect the worst out of me, you’re going to get it.*

– The Sex Offender Test

1. Are you a sex offender?

If you answered “yes”, then congratulations! Your scores have qualified you to be a sex offender! Please purchase a white panel van, an over coat, and candy at your earliest convenience.

– Grande Apologizes for Donut Licking

It’s okay, hon. We’ve all been there. *see scientific explanation earlier in post*

– What Does Your Last Name Say About You?

I’m no expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure it usually says who your parents are.

– Why The Iran Deal Made Obama Critics So Angry

Because ANYTHING Obama does makes his critics angry! Is there really need for an article here?

– Brave Teen Who Survived Plane Crash That Killed Her Grandparents is Released From Hospital and is Treated To McDonald’s

Today’s plane crash proudly sponsored by McDonald’s. Because nothing makes you feel better after a horrific tragedy filled with terror, agony, death, and torture like a Happy Meal! #I’mLovin’It

Thus concludes an unexpected Roundup for Wednesday, July 15, 2015. Today is “Prime Day.” Not as thrilling as yesterday’s New Horizon day (which was FABULOUS, wasn’t it!?! Even if we didn’t see any aliens waving at us…). Tomorrow will be the Christian feast day honoring Gondulphus of Tongeren. Just a reminder in case you forgot and need to run out and pick up a Gondulphus card before it’s too late. #IGotYourBack