What an odd twist to an ordinary day…

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Mornin’ all.

Are you guys ready for a bit of intrigue?

Yesterday started as an ordinary day. I did my shift, made some sick ass Valentine’s Day cakes, contributed to the fond memories of three birthday parties in the greater metropolis area. You know. As ya do. Grabbed some groceries at the end of the work day, called salutations to a coworker who was sitting on a bench, then I made my way down to my car. As I approached, I noticed a bright Red Envelope tucked under my windshield wiper.

So it began.

At first, I wondered if my man placed it there, but almost immediately dismissed the idea. Not his style, folks. His MO of romantic surprise is to hand me a new power tool when I walk through the door, saying, “I got you something but I promise it was on sale!”

True story.

I put the groceries in the car and fired the beastie up. It’s winter still, and a 35 year old diesel can’t be expected to shift into high gear without a bit of a warm up. Hey, who can, amiright? I topped off the blue squirty juice in the windshield wiper fluid reservoir, all the while side eyeing the Red Envelope.

It has a heart on the front. Written in Sharpie, it’s not your standard heart. It’s got a straight line on the left, then the round heartiness of it at the top is sort of off centered, as if someone turned the letter “B” into a heart.

Slamming the hood with all the gusto a 35 year old hood latch requires, I grabbed the Red Envelope, got into the car, and then began an evening of intrigued wonder.

Inside there was a card. No cheap thing, either. A genuine Hallmark, with glitter flowers and cursive and hearts. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” it says on the front. I opened it up and a gift card and coupon booklet fell out. $25 to Chili’s and a coupon book from Friendly’s.

The mystery deepened. Actual money was invested.

“Who’s it from, Bethie?” you ask as you lean forward in your seat and munch your popcorn.

I don’t know. That’s why it’s a mystery. Aside from the “Hope good things bloom for you all day long,” stamped message from Hallmark, there’s a handwritten note.

“I hope you have a great day and enjoy a meal on me. -Cupid”

But wait, there’s more!

“P.S.- No strings just my good deed for the day.” With a smiley face.

Who is this Cupid?

Is it someone at work? I don’t recognize the handwriting, but I have not seen the handwriting of the majority of my coworkers. Is it a rando, someone spending their day imparting unexpected sunshine with an altruistic version of “Eenie Meenie Minie Mo?”

I have been driving myself nuts all night wondering. Analyzing. Guessing. Obsessing.

Someone put actual money into it. Whether a rando or a coworker, someone spent their own cash to brighten my day.

…or make me crazy.

Either way, well played, Cupid. I thank you, whoever you are.

I will say this…it took the edge off the winter blues for a bit. I’ve been going stir crazy the last week or so. I have a plasma cutter. A MUTHAFLIPPIN’ PLASMA CUTTER just sitting new in its box, waiting to be taken out to the back deck and used as a tool of simultaneous destruction and creation. And yet, the back deck is rudely covered in ice.

Fun fact: You can’t use a plasma cutter when you’re standing in or on water. It’s generally viewed as a very bad plan.

*sigh*

There’s a bottling up that happens when I don’t get to make things. It’s like when you try to stifle a yawn. There’s a tingle of frustration, a physical feeling that something is trying to push its way out, a building explosion that makes my hands long for the grip of a screwdriver and the vibration of a side grinder.

Are you a creative type? Do you understand what I’m talking about?

Maybe non-creative types get the same twitch when they don’t get to balance a checkbook or make a spread sheet for a few months. Maybe their hands itch for the sleek smoothness of a TI-84, and the smell of pencil shavings and graph paper in the morning air.

I gotta make something, folks. The cake decorating really helps, especially in the winter, but it’s just not the same as fusing hot metal together in the sunshine. I want to MAKE something. Really make something, with hands and sweat and swearing and grease and flux and sparks…and satisfaction.

Damn winter. Pfft.

I need another pick me up. How about I do something I’ve been saying I’d do, hm? Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Cue the dancers, fire up the band, because it’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

I’ve been gathering these headlines for about a month now. Some are good, some are pretty shit. But you know what? I hit “save” after I added them to the list for a reason, and I’m running with it.

You all know how this works. I snag a headline that grabs my attention, then present them to you with my deep and thoughtful insight.

…or sarcasm. Sometimes might be just a bit of sarcasm.

As always, I give you the headlines as written, in all their, um…shining glory? Yeah, we’ll go with shining glory. That card has made me feel a bit generous myself today. Ready? Then let’s do this.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

THEY HAVE FLYING TRUCKS IN BOSTON!??! Way to bury the lead, IBT.

– Alaska Airlines Flight Collides With Truck In Boston Airport

I don’t know what anyone was expecting. If they can’t drive properly on the ground, what makes you think a Masshole can do better in air? *ducks wicked fast tomato thrown from across the border* *fistbump my NH natives*

– Missle-alert Error Reveals Uncertainty About How To React

Wait. You mean that in a terrifying emergency with absolutely zero follow up instruction, people weren’t sure what to do? Huh. Odd.

– Hawaii Worker Who Pushed Button Reassigned After Bungled Emergency Alert

Yeaaahhh. Imma say that’s fair.

– Relatives of Martin Luther King, Jr. Critique President Trump

*crash* *scramble* *shuffle* Sorry. I wasn’t prepared for that gobsmacking breaking news feed and fell clean outta my chair. Just stunned here, folks. Give me a second to mop up the spilled coffee and come to terms with this new reality we find ourselves experiencing.

*deep, calming breath*

Okay. It’s real. It happened. We can’t take it back, just have to move forward. We can continue.

– Lawsuit: Surgeon at VA Hospital Left Scalpel in Patient for 4 Years

Did he? Or did the patient abscond with then conceal government property for four years in what he considered to be the perfect crime? Discuss.

– Statue Honoring National Anthem Found Sprayed With Red Paint

…we have a statute…honoring…a fucking song? #’Merica

– New Mexico Gun Shop’s MLK Day Ad Stirs Controversy

Top tip: If you own a gun shop, there are a few national holidays and days of observation that you probably don’t want to “celebrate” with a sale. MLK Day, Lincoln’s birthday, 9/11… Just calm yer tits and let the day pass. #HowToSucceedInBusiness

– Trump Comments, Infuriating Africans, May Set Back US Interests

As the kiddies say, Africa…I know the feels.

– Japanese City On Alert for Deadly Blowfish

*** BLOWFISH THREAT INBOUND TO JAPAN. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ***

– Crisis Continues for Rohingya Muslims Languishing At Refugee Camps

Okay, I’m torn here. On the one hand, the situation with the Rohingya is not at all something to take lightly. If you are uninformed, Google, then get outraged. However, I feel like I have to take a second to applaud the old school wording of this headline. When was the last time you read “languishing” outside of a romance novel? Good form, CBS.

– Palestinian Leaders Urge Abbas to Withdraw Recognition of Israel

Uh, guys? Pretending Israel isn’t a thing won’t really get you anywhere…

– North Korea Scoffs at Trump’s “Nuclear Button”

Guaranteed this headline sparked a next level Rule 34. Google at your own risk. Remember, kids…what has been seen cannot be unseen.

– Hero Dog That Served in WWII Gets Posthumous Medal

Why. No, I really mean it. WHY? Who is this medal for, exactly? What purpose does this expenditure serve? Will it inspire puppies around the nation to sign up for service?

“Bethie, it’ll tell people in the future that we cared about the animals that served.”

We care about the animals we force to participate in wars they didn’t start, have zero control over, and will not benefit from the outcome in any way? Really?

“…*crickets*…”

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

– NH Mom Delivers Her Own Baby in Target Parking Lot

603 HARDCORE. #NHTough

– Syrian Boy Was Seen Gazing Into A Gym, Now He’s A Lifetime Member

This was in the “Good News” section. I guess it’s good news? I mean, it *is* uplifting.

No. I will not apologize for puns. It’s 2018. Welcome to the new world order.

– Man Resolves to Play Catch With Someone New Every Day in 2018

Um. You doin’ okay over there, Good News? Because you seem to really be stretching for these articles…

– 2017 Was A Record Year For Organ Donations

…yes, but let’s consider the flip side of this headline for a sec.

– Single Dad Who Looked For Kidney At Disney World Finds Match

I’m done. I’m done with Good News. They done lost their friggin’ minds.

– DIY Network Apologizes for Series After Star’s On-Air Anti-Semetic Slur

They filmed her asking if someone was going to “bicker” with her a bit and “Jew” her down. First, it’s dicker, you dumbass. Dicker, not bicker. Second, how sincere could this apology possibly be when the show filmed it, edited it, and approved it for air? They’re not sorry. They’re just sorry people were pissed. I know in this crazy world of social media, facts get jumbled. But, being sorry for the action and being sorry about the reaction are two totally different things.

– Crowd Mocks Grunting Tennis Player at Australian Open

*snort* I mean, boo. Not nice. Don’t do that ‘n shit. *snicker*

– Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Won’t Be Inviting This Person to Wedding

Me. It’s me. I won’t be invited. *sniff* It’s fine, really. I’ll probably be invited to something even better that night anyway.

– Proposal Would Widen Permissible Use of Nuclear Arms

WHOA now WHAT? Can I get a “HELL NO?”

– Americans Should Be “Sober” About Chance of Conflict With N. Korea: Tillerson

Hang on now. You’re talking about “widening permissible use of nuclear arms.” Our overall state of mind created utter panic when an accidental warning message was broadcast. People are literally begging the Poopypants In Chief to sit down, shut up, and let the grown ups run the country again because he won’t stop taunting a psycho. If we were any more sober, we’d be a walking Folger’s ad!

– Dems Flip Wisconsin State Senate Seat

You know what? With the state of politics right now, I can’t really pick on them for trying a bit of feng shui. Top tip: move the Rep. seats into the hallway for even better zen.

– The Latest: Ice Keeps Some Texas Schools Closed

You know the pisser about this headline? I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual weather or immigration enforcement squads. It’s Texas. Which is more likely?

– Japan Government Tells Broadcaster Not To Repeat False Missile Alert

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BLOWFISH??!! Are they covering that up, too?!?

– Man Tries To Board Flight Wearing Everything He Packed, Gets The Boot

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have worn the fleshlight as a necklace. Think it pushed things over the edge.

– Camel Beauty Pageant Kicks Out 12 Animals for Botox

If you ever feel like your life isn’t going so hot, just remember that somewhere in the world, 12 camel owners wanted their camels to win a fucking beauty pageant so badly that they injected beasts of burden with botox. Puts forgetting to buy milk after work into perspective, eh?

– How A Dunkin’ Donuts Bag of Cash Led to Mayor’s Downfall

A bag of cash?? I’ve never once gotten anything but heartburn from DD! (I’d just like to point out that I avoided an “America runs on Dunkin’” politics pun. It might be 2018’s new world order, but I do still have a heart. You’re welcome.)

– Allen’s Next Movie May Never See the Light of Day

GOOD. Here’s a dude who MARRIED HIS OWN DAUGHTER. Is it really a stretch to think he may have done something with his other daughter? REALLY??

– Can’t Stand the Sound of Someone Chewing? Here’s Why.
Because it’s gross to hear the slurping and snarfling of you inhaling potato salad, Tina. Shit. Chew with your mouth shut already. #FuckingTina

– Newborn Baby Bear Cubs Found In Dumpster

I don’t know why you conservatives are surprised. That’s what’s going to happen when you cut funding for contraceptives while simultaneously promoting an abstinence only policy in schools. What do you expect these young mothers to do? #PillForBears

– Wade Admits Lebron Caught Him Watching Heat

I don’t blame him for being embarrassed. That movie sucked.

– Trump Accuses Democrats of Playing Politics With Memo

…but…I mean…that’s their job. Politics. That’s why they’re called politicians. IT’S RIGHT IN THEIR TITLE. My god he’s so damn stupid.

– Never Make These Mistakes When Frying An Egg

You don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. #MyBreakfastMyLife

– High School Science Fair Project Questioning the IQ of African Americans Sparks Outrage

Honestly, exactly what the headline said. A kid did an entire science project based on his assertion that Africans, African Americans, Southeast Asians, and South Americans have a lower IQ, which is why they are not well represented in elite academic programs around the US. I just have to bring something up that wasn’t addressed in the articles I read covering the story. I did my fair share of science projects. Normally, the idea is passed by a teacher, and the project has teacher oversight through the course of preparation. Are they really expecting us to believe that no one on a supervisory level had any idea this kid was going to publicly present this project? Seriously? My eyebrow will remain dubiously quirked until the blame is shared by ALL involved.

– Olympics Unite Koreas for First Time In 65 Years, But Will It Spark Real Change?

Hm, good question…

– Seoul Protesters Burn North Korea Flag Before Concert

…aaand we can put that question to rest.

– Man Brings Wife’s Ashes to Eagles Parade: “She Was A Diehard Fan”

Oh boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. You know what? This will be our DIY headline. Insert your own joke.

– Oklahoma Woman Gets Reduced Sentence After Getting Sterilized, Per Judge’s Request

No. No no no no no. NO. This on infuriates me. It’s wrong on every single level. A judge has no right to dangle a lighter sentence over someone’s head if they get sterilized. It’s barbaric. It goes against everything we should be standing for as a nation: freedom and justice. This one move eradicates both. He used his power of authority to pressure someone in a tenuous position into following his personal beliefs. At the same time, this woman didn’t end up paying for the crimes she committed. There is no freedom in this act. There is no justice. This better not become the norm. I don’t want to live in North Korea.

– Trump Still Pushing For Tank Parade In Spite of Lack of Support

What part of “I don’t want to live in North Korea” are these asshats not understanding?!

– Hammer-wielding Man Attempts To Rob Intrepid Museum Gift Shop

The thought process that must have transpired before this crime is staggeringly entertaining to imagine.

– “Moody” Female Show Dogs Don’t Get Same Opportunities As Males

Did…did they just…but…they’re…DOGS…

I’m trying, but it’s physically impossible to sigh hard enough to express the proper level of exasperation. It’s making me light headed.

– OxyContin Maker Will Stop Promoting Opiods To Doctors

So now I’m not only lightheaded from the exasperated sighing, but I’ve developed a spasm from rolling my eyes too hard. I can’t quit on this note. I came here to find distracting chuckles, not knuckleheads furthering the annoyance. Come on, news. You gotta give me SOMETHING…

– Charities Warned After Oxfam Haiti Prostitute Charges

I can think of a missionary position joke…but should I? I need something better…

– Scientists Put 3D Glasses on Praying Mantises

Admittedly amusing, but not meaty enough…

– How Speed Skaters Go So Dang Fast

Gee willikers it’s getting better in a hip hurry…

– Observatory Spots Elon Musk’s Roadster Zooming Through Space

And here it is! We have a winner!

A guy put a test dummy in a muthaflippin’ convertible so it could blissfully zoom through space. One day, an alien may just find that car with that dummy. Can you imagine the absolute confusion if THAT is our first contact???

I found my happy thought for the day.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Sunday, February 11, 2018. Seriously, if anyone reading this knows who Cupid is, lemme know. I keep eyeballing the Red Envelope and wondering….

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I’mma get right to the point today:

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Mornin’ all.

Usually when I see headlines that crack me up or make me roll my eyes, I hop on here and have some sort of friendly – some may say rambling- intro. I’ll tell you about my cat, or my car, or my cat driving my car (boy, do I WISH I could say that!). I’ll give you a not-always-quick glance into my world as we work through the first sips of my horrendous coffee together.

Not today.

Today, we’re shaking things up. I’ve got no funny anecdotes. The silliest thing my cat did was puke all over the dining room THREE times, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that. Cars suck, but only slightly less than horses, and none of the kids has done anything we need to applaud or bitch about this week.

So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve already got the go-go dancers ready, the band had a last minute jam warm-up to drown out the radios NON-FRIGGIN-STOP Christmas music, and the coffee just finished growling. Should be safe to drink once the growling stops.

Grab a cup and a chair and buckle in for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*catchy theme music* *furious up-tempo jazz steps*

Aaaaaand…cut! Everyone give a quick round of applause for the ladies and the band. There you go. Off the stage. Go. NOW.

Yes, we’re doing a Roundup today. For those not in-the-know, the internet news sites are full of poorly worded or misleading headlines. Sometimes they make light of a serious situation. Sometimes, it’s as if the editor fell asleep on the keyboard they’re so confusing. And sometimes they just give this weirdo an unusual mental picture that my inner narcissist must share. As always, the headlines themselves are too legit. The commentary is what might make you want to quit.

Shall we begin?

“Do we have a choice?”

Absolutely not!

-Trump Adds New Target: Ted Cruz

So his hate list is now Mexicans, Muslims, and muppets. “M”ommy issues, Trump?

– Calif. Attacks Raise Fear of Jihadi Wife

Are…are they implying that your wife will secretly go behind your back and join ISIS? Because it really seems like they’re implying that people are legitimately concerned about this…

– Models Devour Buffalo Wings

NAW BITCH. You get pretty bras, cameras flashing on your perfect dimples, and your bunions treated on Prada’s dime after the photo shoot. I get chicken wings. I don’t venture into your world, you don’t cross the line into mine.

– Ultra Modern Homes Fit For the “Hunger Games”

In what way, exactly? They’re half-crumbling? The tax burden imposed by a tyrannical government means the residents will be in constant poverty? Terrified children hide in them??

– Foolproof Secrets to a Blissful Marriage

1. Don’t secretly join a radical terrorist group behind your husband’s back.

– 9 Reasons to Eat Walnuts Right Now

This article is unfairly biased against people who don’t have walnuts. I’m offended. Let’s launch a Twitter attack. #impossiblewalnutdreams

– Rude Behaviors You Can Get Away With in Other Countries

What?! NO!! And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re buffoons!

– Springsteen Fans Upset Over “River Tour” Ticket Prices

Brucey babe. Heart to heart…I know your dream is to have a Scrooge McDuck silo of gold you can swim in, but you’re missing the big picture here. Somehow, against all odds and every sense of reason in this universe, you STILL HAVE FANS. Cool it on the pool of gold and throw those poor saps a bone.

– Funerals for 14 Killed in California Massacre Begin Somberly

Uh…were we expecting something different?

– Syrian Refugees Greeted Warmly in Canada

Yay Canada! It’s got to be awful hard to be so chill in the face of such a global hot button issue. I wonder what their secret is?

– Going to Pot? Canada Leads the Way in Legalizing Marijuana

…oh. Well. That clears things up.

– Diplomatic Pressures Force Syria Opposition to Table

“That’s it! I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can no longer pretend to support this office’s choice of marble top in the conference room. We should have gone with mahogany and if I were a stronger man, I would have said so at the time. There. *sigh* I feel so free.”

– Tokyo Deploys Drones that Use Nets to Capture Drones

We’ve done it. We’ve trained our AI to truly act like humans and defeat their own race. We can pat ourselves on the back as we bow before our new robot overlords.

– Trump a “Disgrace” Saudi Billionaire Says

Yup.

– Donald Trump’s Name Torn off Dubai Golf Course

Yeah, I’d say that’s on par.

NO I WON’T TAKE IT BACK. You knew this was a pun-friendly environment when you signed up. Don’t act all butt-hurt about it now.

– Syria’s Assad Buying “A Great Deal” of ISIS Oil, US Official Says

“And I’m like, what gives, Assa-hat? We called dibs on that oil…”

– Angola’s Global Host of World Environment Day 2016 and its Elephant Population

This is the discussion in the meeting before the publication of this article: “They’re hosting the environmental thing, but that’s not enough to get people to click. We need a human interest side to this story. Bill, if I say “Angola”, what pops in your head?” “Uh…sweaters?” And after much grumbling because Bill is utterly USELESS and would have gotten the ax a long time ago if he weren’t the EIC’s nephew, someone came up with the elephant idea. People like elephants. And they probably live in Angola, right? “Are the elephants wearing sweaters? Cus that’d be sick, brah.” *sigh* Sure Bill. The elephants can be wearing the sweaters. *rolly eyes*

– Farm Worker Accused of “Maliciously” Killing 4 Chickens

Unless you plan on lopping the head off, dipping the thing in boiling water while it’s still thrashing, violently pulling out all the feathers, then spilling its guts on the ground before feasting on its meaty flesh the humane way, leave those chickens alone.

*editor’s note: We here at the Muse are very pro-flesh dining. I wasn’t banging the vegetarian drum. I was merely pointing out the rank hypocrisy of a chicken farmer getting offended at the killing of his chickens. Put down the PETA t-shirt. I don’t want one.

– From A Risky Space Walk to the Top of Mt. Everest

That seems to be the wrong order to me. I know people lose their shit over Everest, but c’mon. Sherpas have been climbing it for ages. There are permanent camps set up for people to take a month long climbing break. It’s got LADDERS chained to the rock walls! Ladder-laden mountain vs. muthafreakin’ SPACE. Priorities, folks.

– How Technology is Redefining the Afterlife

Spoiler: it isn’t.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

Oh. Well then. I stand corrected.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

I can just imagine how many dead zones there will be.

…face it, you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t.

– Twitter Expands Ads to Reach Users Who Didn’t Log In

Twitter, you’re getting creepy. #stopstalkingme,twitthole

– Bright Spots on Ceres Aren’t Aliens Afterall

Fuckin’ duh. We never said they were. Clearly lights aren’t aliens. What we SAID was that the lights were CREATED by aliens, and frankly, your evasion of the facts just bolsters my opinion. LIFE ON CERES!!

“Twitter: @BethReason Didn’t you mean #lifeonCeres? :P”

Ew Twitter stop. I’ve got mace.

– See Saturn’s Funky “Potato” Moon

Yes please!

– How Fallout 4 Took Over My Life– And Gave Me A New One

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

– Squishing Baby’s Faces is Japan’s Latest Social Media Trend

Why can’t I muster up either confused outrage at the antics, or sympathy for the mush-faced babies? Curse you, internet. You have jaded me.

– British Cops Search for Hoverboard Riding Robber

Shouldn’t take long. They just have to look for the pile of ash. OH YEAH hoverboard makers! Need a little aloe for that sick burn?!

No, seriously. Take the aloe. We heard about your inability to stop your products from exploding and are legitimately worried for you.

– Wild Boar in Germany Adopted By Herd of Cattle

Oh, stop. Who are you to judge what makes a family a family? It’s not just “Adam and Eve” anymore. Sometimes it’s “Hoven and Cleaved”.

*Drops mic*

*dons sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a brief Roundup for Saturday, December 12, 2015. I need to work on car wiring today. I feel I should have e.e.cummings-ed that statement, and said it with all the apathy I could be bothered to muster. Let’s try that again.

the car wires  rip at my soul with their uselessness

                                            and yet i find myself

                                             loath to fix them

perhaps a fairy will enter the engine compartment

                                          and make the effort to sort

                                          the frayed ends of my life

or maybe

it won’t

I didn’t wanna, but I had no choice….

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Mornin’ all.

I wasn’t going to do this today.

This was my intended morning agenda:

1. Get up.

2. Get coffee.

3. Remove cat from keyboard.

4. Sip coffee while glancing idly at the news and emails.

5. Finish coffee, then turn on “Escape Pod” podcast and art the morning away.

I got to #4 on the list, then read something so ridiculous, so stupid, so insane that it made me scratch #5 off my mental list and madly scribble a new To Do entry.

Here it is.

5. Get so annoyed with stupid headlines that it becomes necessary to share them with a readership of like-minded people.

Since it was such an abrupt decision, I don’t have the go-go dancers scheduled. I think they’re in Guam tanning on the beach at the moment. Maybe they’ll bring me back a Guamilian necklace or some other Guamling chatchki.

So I don’t have the girls. I also don’t have the band to play the catchy theme music. The head yodeler had mentioned a desire to head up to Wildcat for a gondola ride and a stop over to Clark’s to protest the bears, but ride on the train anyway…

*NH FIST BUMP! 603 4LYFE!!!*

…and I don’t want to interrupt if that’s what they were going to do. It’s cooler up north, and the yodelers tend to get snippy in this heat. Might as well leave them alone until the front breaks. We can do without music and dancers just this once, right?

Right!

I suppose in that case, I’ll just clear my throat… *achem**mememe**loolooloo**bah bo bah* *achem* …and, using my best announcer voice, tell you all that it’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

*fingers tapping the catchy theme music beat out on the computer desk*

*jazz hands for finishing flourish*

…*crickets**crickets*

Okay, that was lame. Oh well. Nothing to be done for it. It’s what we had to work with on such short notice and it’ll just have to do. God I hope the dancers and band get back before next time. Let’s hope the headlines make up for the bland intro, shall we? I said there were some goodies, and I wasn’t kidding. As always, the headlines I am about to present are legit…I just supply the jokes at their expense. Here goes!

– Landlord Charged In Cecil’s Killing

Wait. I thought Cecil owned his home? Boy, the layers of this story just don’t end.

…and no, that’s not the headline that started this all. I’m working up to it.

– First Almost Fully-Formed Human Brain Grown in Lab, Researchers Claim

Did you know that we share 97.5% of our DNA with mice? “Almost” leaves a pretty wide range of possibilities here, folks.

– US Postal Service Tries its Hand at the Grocery Biz

“After much research, we’ve determined that people like cookies and hate bills. Really, when you get right down to it, it’s a no-brainer.”

Second Yosemite Tourist Diagnosed with Plague

Man. I wish there was something someone could do to stop the plague. I mean, you know, aside from practicing the most basic acts of personal hygiene on a regular basis…

Women Pass Ranger School, but Debate Goes On

Fucking men. No, hang on. I’m not a “feminazi,” and folks are often too quick to wave that particular flag. But COME the HELL ON. The women passed the test! LET THEM BE RANGERS. Unless you’re afraid someone without a penis will do a better job. Is that it? Sad little boys playing big men with guns. That’s all this is about.

– Lobster Population Shifting North; Ocean Warming Blamed

Is it the ocean warming, or are lobsters just getting smarter? “Jeez, Bahb, them fahckers down ta the cape are chappin’ my ass with them wicked stupid traps. They got Linda week before last. What say we go up the way ta Canada? They ain’t settin’ traps up there yet.” “You bet.” “Bitchin’. Let’s go.”

– General Mayhem! Retired 4-Star Army General Slams Chinese Food Delivery Man Against Fridge for Not Taking Check: Cops

Reader’s choice:

You don’t get to be a 4-star general without gettin’ a little mu on your shu.

…or…

Anyone else really, really hope his last name is Tso?

– Dramatic Video Shows Great White Shark Leaping Out of Water to Catch Seal

Hold the phone… Seals can FLY?!

– Stuffed Pig Having Time of its Life While Looking for Owner

No. No it is not. It is a stuffed animal. It has no life and it is enjoying nothing.

– Putin Dives in Mini-Sub to Shipwreck Off Crimea

If this doesn’t put a comical Spy vs. Spy image in your head, then I don’t even know why we’re friends.

– Muslim Leaders Sign Sweeping Climate Change Declaration

Sure people might be losing their heads left and right in middle eastern nations, but they’ll be losing them AFTER they properly sort their recycling. #priorities

– Russian Police Get Tough on Illicit Cheese

“I am KGB. I grill you until you talk.”

…stop groaning. You know you love it.

– For Mexicans, Trump’s Bid is Getting Scarier

For AMERICANS, Trumps bid is getting scarier!

– Name Company For Workers Online Contract

Dennis. I name it Dennis.

– Hamas: We Captured Dolphin Spying for Israel!

Enlightened lobsters. Flying seals. Spying dolphins. What the HELL is going on in our oceans?! Scientists, put down your pet brains and figure this shit out before we’re forced to serve our orca overlords.

– Saudi Arabia and Iran: Volatile Political Geography of Oil and Minorities, Analysis

I have to admit that I *do* feel better about America when I read that other regions waste money on bullshit, no brainer studies, too. It’s not just us. It’s a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

– Man Who Climbed Brooklyn Bridge, Took Selfie is Arrested

I think we can all rest easier knowing that this sick bastard is locked up. The streets will be a little less mean tonight. Thanks, NYPD! #priorities

– Finkbeiner Says Merging Government Makes Sense

Can we just stop and appreciate the fact that somewhere in this nation, a politician has the last name “Finkbeiner?”

– Police: Man With Explosive Device had No Anti-abortion Aim

He didn’t seem to care much about animal rights, nationalized health care, or the global effects of longterm drought conditions in central Asian nations, either. Go figure.

– Why Ted Cruz Has the Best Chance of Becoming the GOP Nominee

*can’t type comment…too busy laughing hysterically…*

– Researchers Say “Tree of Life” Actually a “Bush”

The tag line is the real scoop here: The idea is that when incidents of rapid speciation arise, evolution moves so quickly that the genome doesn’t diverge neatly. I have no idea why they didn’t lead off with that in the first place. Talk about a catchy hook, eh?

– Real Flying Saucers: Why Manhole Covers Take Flight in Summer

Because they must obey the call of their people. Fly, little manhole covers. Fly to the mother ship.

– Man in Bear Costume Harasses Bears In Alaska

The authorities intervened. I don’t think they should have. This is one problem that would have sorted itself out.

– Black Bear Destroys Interior of Teacher’s Car

See? Bears deliver their own swift justice. Sometimes the all natural approach is best.

– Buffet Fans Scolded for Leaving Homemade Toilets At Show

If you can sit through the fishbowl at a Buffet concert and be coherent enough to make your own toilet instead of pissing yours pants, you should get a medal, not a scolding. Real talk.

– Taiwan Will Preserve Adorable, Typhoon-damaged Mailboxes

Is it me, or is Taiwan swiftly replacing Japan on the WTF meter?

– Official Wheaties Beer Coming to Minnesota

Wait. I thought the entire point of Wheaties was to provide a healthful start to a healthy day? This is madness. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that Cap’n Crunch is launching a rum line in Florida, or that the Lucky Charm Leprechaun will soon be pimping whiskey in Boston? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– The Tallest Building Never Built

Nuh uh. I thought of the tallest building never built. It went a bazillion miles high to Saturn. I win.

– I Am Not An “Alien”

Nope. No way. No aliens here. *gulps* *tugs at collar* Is it getting hot as a glarplunx flardahp in here, or is it just me?

– Maybe Clinton Just Isn’t A Very Good Candidate?

Maybe not…

– Jeb Bush: NSA Needs Broader Powers to Combat ‘Evil Doers’

…but she’s sure as hell better than him!

– Americans Back Federal Funds to Planned Parenthood for Health Services, According to Poll

OF FUCKING COURSE WE DO. It’s an organization that spends the overwhelming majority of its time proving necessary health care of all the naughty bits people don’t like to talk about to folks who desperately need it. It’s 2015. THIS SHOULDN’T EVEN BE AN ISSUE!!!

– Sanders Outpaces Dean’s 2004 Run

Now, if he can only keep from making a funny “blearrrrah yeah” noise on camera… #maplesyrup4lyfehag

– The Meaning of Trump

I honestly, truly, 100%, deep in my heart of hearts believe that Donald Trump is actually just an irradiated pile of silicone with hair.

– Navy Seeks Better Sub-Hunting Technology to Counter Putin

Anyone else getting an image of Putin cackling maniacally while ineptly zipping around the bottom of the ocean in his mini-sub to the Benny Hill theme song? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– Second Bangkok Bomb Puts City on Edge

…it took two to raise concern?!

– California Teenager Dies at Rave, Following Two Similar Deaths This Month

But, it’s, like, totally safe. PLUR ‘n angels ‘n shit.

– Africa Could Fit China and the U.S., With Room to Spare

Fifth grade geography is now breaking news. No Shit Gazette contribution for today?

– Idaho Replaces Mile Marker 420 with 419.9 to Thwart Stoners

Okay then. I guess it truly IS a geography-news day. Apologies for the previous snarkery. My bad.

– Probe of Clinton’s Server Could Find More than Just Emails

Let’s just be honest: Porn. That’s what everyone’s hoping to find.

– Bad-boy Kygrios Goes Out After Gasquet Spanking

I see they already found something juicy on Hillary’s PC…
OH COME ON. Don’t act like you weren’t in the gutter with me when you read that. Pfft.

And the headline that started it all today…

– NYC Mayor Signs Anti-Legionaires’ Bill

Wait a minute. Humanity is how old? We’ve had how many deadly viral outbreaks in our history? Untold millions have been wiped off the face of the earth… And no one thought to simply ban a virus before? Sometimes we just make things so hard on ourselves.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, August 19, 2015. NOW I’m going to art. Or screw around online. …yeah, ‘prolly that last one.