I’mma get right to the point today:

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Mornin’ all.

Usually when I see headlines that crack me up or make me roll my eyes, I hop on here and have some sort of friendly – some may say rambling- intro. I’ll tell you about my cat, or my car, or my cat driving my car (boy, do I WISH I could say that!). I’ll give you a not-always-quick glance into my world as we work through the first sips of my horrendous coffee together.

Not today.

Today, we’re shaking things up. I’ve got no funny anecdotes. The silliest thing my cat did was puke all over the dining room THREE times, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that. Cars suck, but only slightly less than horses, and none of the kids has done anything we need to applaud or bitch about this week.

So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve already got the go-go dancers ready, the band had a last minute jam warm-up to drown out the radios NON-FRIGGIN-STOP Christmas music, and the coffee just finished growling. Should be safe to drink once the growling stops.

Grab a cup and a chair and buckle in for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*catchy theme music* *furious up-tempo jazz steps*

Aaaaaand…cut! Everyone give a quick round of applause for the ladies and the band. There you go. Off the stage. Go. NOW.

Yes, we’re doing a Roundup today. For those not in-the-know, the internet news sites are full of poorly worded or misleading headlines. Sometimes they make light of a serious situation. Sometimes, it’s as if the editor fell asleep on the keyboard they’re so confusing. And sometimes they just give this weirdo an unusual mental picture that my inner narcissist must share. As always, the headlines themselves are too legit. The commentary is what might make you want to quit.

Shall we begin?

“Do we have a choice?”

Absolutely not!

-Trump Adds New Target: Ted Cruz

So his hate list is now Mexicans, Muslims, and muppets. “M”ommy issues, Trump?

– Calif. Attacks Raise Fear of Jihadi Wife

Are…are they implying that your wife will secretly go behind your back and join ISIS? Because it really seems like they’re implying that people are legitimately concerned about this…

– Models Devour Buffalo Wings

NAW BITCH. You get pretty bras, cameras flashing on your perfect dimples, and your bunions treated on Prada’s dime after the photo shoot. I get chicken wings. I don’t venture into your world, you don’t cross the line into mine.

– Ultra Modern Homes Fit For the “Hunger Games”

In what way, exactly? They’re half-crumbling? The tax burden imposed by a tyrannical government means the residents will be in constant poverty? Terrified children hide in them??

– Foolproof Secrets to a Blissful Marriage

1. Don’t secretly join a radical terrorist group behind your husband’s back.

– 9 Reasons to Eat Walnuts Right Now

This article is unfairly biased against people who don’t have walnuts. I’m offended. Let’s launch a Twitter attack. #impossiblewalnutdreams

– Rude Behaviors You Can Get Away With in Other Countries

What?! NO!! And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re buffoons!

– Springsteen Fans Upset Over “River Tour” Ticket Prices

Brucey babe. Heart to heart…I know your dream is to have a Scrooge McDuck silo of gold you can swim in, but you’re missing the big picture here. Somehow, against all odds and every sense of reason in this universe, you STILL HAVE FANS. Cool it on the pool of gold and throw those poor saps a bone.

– Funerals for 14 Killed in California Massacre Begin Somberly

Uh…were we expecting something different?

– Syrian Refugees Greeted Warmly in Canada

Yay Canada! It’s got to be awful hard to be so chill in the face of such a global hot button issue. I wonder what their secret is?

– Going to Pot? Canada Leads the Way in Legalizing Marijuana

…oh. Well. That clears things up.

– Diplomatic Pressures Force Syria Opposition to Table

“That’s it! I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can no longer pretend to support this office’s choice of marble top in the conference room. We should have gone with mahogany and if I were a stronger man, I would have said so at the time. There. *sigh* I feel so free.”

– Tokyo Deploys Drones that Use Nets to Capture Drones

We’ve done it. We’ve trained our AI to truly act like humans and defeat their own race. We can pat ourselves on the back as we bow before our new robot overlords.

– Trump a “Disgrace” Saudi Billionaire Says

Yup.

– Donald Trump’s Name Torn off Dubai Golf Course

Yeah, I’d say that’s on par.

NO I WON’T TAKE IT BACK. You knew this was a pun-friendly environment when you signed up. Don’t act all butt-hurt about it now.

– Syria’s Assad Buying “A Great Deal” of ISIS Oil, US Official Says

“And I’m like, what gives, Assa-hat? We called dibs on that oil…”

– Angola’s Global Host of World Environment Day 2016 and its Elephant Population

This is the discussion in the meeting before the publication of this article: “They’re hosting the environmental thing, but that’s not enough to get people to click. We need a human interest side to this story. Bill, if I say “Angola”, what pops in your head?” “Uh…sweaters?” And after much grumbling because Bill is utterly USELESS and would have gotten the ax a long time ago if he weren’t the EIC’s nephew, someone came up with the elephant idea. People like elephants. And they probably live in Angola, right? “Are the elephants wearing sweaters? Cus that’d be sick, brah.” *sigh* Sure Bill. The elephants can be wearing the sweaters. *rolly eyes*

– Farm Worker Accused of “Maliciously” Killing 4 Chickens

Unless you plan on lopping the head off, dipping the thing in boiling water while it’s still thrashing, violently pulling out all the feathers, then spilling its guts on the ground before feasting on its meaty flesh the humane way, leave those chickens alone.

*editor’s note: We here at the Muse are very pro-flesh dining. I wasn’t banging the vegetarian drum. I was merely pointing out the rank hypocrisy of a chicken farmer getting offended at the killing of his chickens. Put down the PETA t-shirt. I don’t want one.

– From A Risky Space Walk to the Top of Mt. Everest

That seems to be the wrong order to me. I know people lose their shit over Everest, but c’mon. Sherpas have been climbing it for ages. There are permanent camps set up for people to take a month long climbing break. It’s got LADDERS chained to the rock walls! Ladder-laden mountain vs. muthafreakin’ SPACE. Priorities, folks.

– How Technology is Redefining the Afterlife

Spoiler: it isn’t.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

Oh. Well then. I stand corrected.

– Moscow’s Cemeteries to Get Wi Fi

I can just imagine how many dead zones there will be.

…face it, you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t.

– Twitter Expands Ads to Reach Users Who Didn’t Log In

Twitter, you’re getting creepy. #stopstalkingme,twitthole

– Bright Spots on Ceres Aren’t Aliens Afterall

Fuckin’ duh. We never said they were. Clearly lights aren’t aliens. What we SAID was that the lights were CREATED by aliens, and frankly, your evasion of the facts just bolsters my opinion. LIFE ON CERES!!

“Twitter: @BethReason Didn’t you mean #lifeonCeres? :P”

Ew Twitter stop. I’ve got mace.

– See Saturn’s Funky “Potato” Moon

Yes please!

– How Fallout 4 Took Over My Life– And Gave Me A New One

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

– Squishing Baby’s Faces is Japan’s Latest Social Media Trend

Why can’t I muster up either confused outrage at the antics, or sympathy for the mush-faced babies? Curse you, internet. You have jaded me.

– British Cops Search for Hoverboard Riding Robber

Shouldn’t take long. They just have to look for the pile of ash. OH YEAH hoverboard makers! Need a little aloe for that sick burn?!

No, seriously. Take the aloe. We heard about your inability to stop your products from exploding and are legitimately worried for you.

– Wild Boar in Germany Adopted By Herd of Cattle

Oh, stop. Who are you to judge what makes a family a family? It’s not just “Adam and Eve” anymore. Sometimes it’s “Hoven and Cleaved”.

*Drops mic*

*dons sunglasses*

*moonwalks off stage*

Thus concludes a brief Roundup for Saturday, December 12, 2015. I need to work on car wiring today. I feel I should have e.e.cummings-ed that statement, and said it with all the apathy I could be bothered to muster. Let’s try that again.

the car wires  rip at my soul with their uselessness

                                            and yet i find myself

                                             loath to fix them

perhaps a fairy will enter the engine compartment

                                          and make the effort to sort

                                          the frayed ends of my life

or maybe

it won’t

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I didn’t wanna, but I had no choice….

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Mornin’ all.

I wasn’t going to do this today.

This was my intended morning agenda:

1. Get up.

2. Get coffee.

3. Remove cat from keyboard.

4. Sip coffee while glancing idly at the news and emails.

5. Finish coffee, then turn on “Escape Pod” podcast and art the morning away.

I got to #4 on the list, then read something so ridiculous, so stupid, so insane that it made me scratch #5 off my mental list and madly scribble a new To Do entry.

Here it is.

5. Get so annoyed with stupid headlines that it becomes necessary to share them with a readership of like-minded people.

Since it was such an abrupt decision, I don’t have the go-go dancers scheduled. I think they’re in Guam tanning on the beach at the moment. Maybe they’ll bring me back a Guamilian necklace or some other Guamling chatchki.

So I don’t have the girls. I also don’t have the band to play the catchy theme music. The head yodeler had mentioned a desire to head up to Wildcat for a gondola ride and a stop over to Clark’s to protest the bears, but ride on the train anyway…

*NH FIST BUMP! 603 4LYFE!!!*

…and I don’t want to interrupt if that’s what they were going to do. It’s cooler up north, and the yodelers tend to get snippy in this heat. Might as well leave them alone until the front breaks. We can do without music and dancers just this once, right?

Right!

I suppose in that case, I’ll just clear my throat… *achem**mememe**loolooloo**bah bo bah* *achem* …and, using my best announcer voice, tell you all that it’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ***

*fingers tapping the catchy theme music beat out on the computer desk*

*jazz hands for finishing flourish*

…*crickets**crickets*

Okay, that was lame. Oh well. Nothing to be done for it. It’s what we had to work with on such short notice and it’ll just have to do. God I hope the dancers and band get back before next time. Let’s hope the headlines make up for the bland intro, shall we? I said there were some goodies, and I wasn’t kidding. As always, the headlines I am about to present are legit…I just supply the jokes at their expense. Here goes!

– Landlord Charged In Cecil’s Killing

Wait. I thought Cecil owned his home? Boy, the layers of this story just don’t end.

…and no, that’s not the headline that started this all. I’m working up to it.

– First Almost Fully-Formed Human Brain Grown in Lab, Researchers Claim

Did you know that we share 97.5% of our DNA with mice? “Almost” leaves a pretty wide range of possibilities here, folks.

– US Postal Service Tries its Hand at the Grocery Biz

“After much research, we’ve determined that people like cookies and hate bills. Really, when you get right down to it, it’s a no-brainer.”

Second Yosemite Tourist Diagnosed with Plague

Man. I wish there was something someone could do to stop the plague. I mean, you know, aside from practicing the most basic acts of personal hygiene on a regular basis…

Women Pass Ranger School, but Debate Goes On

Fucking men. No, hang on. I’m not a “feminazi,” and folks are often too quick to wave that particular flag. But COME the HELL ON. The women passed the test! LET THEM BE RANGERS. Unless you’re afraid someone without a penis will do a better job. Is that it? Sad little boys playing big men with guns. That’s all this is about.

– Lobster Population Shifting North; Ocean Warming Blamed

Is it the ocean warming, or are lobsters just getting smarter? “Jeez, Bahb, them fahckers down ta the cape are chappin’ my ass with them wicked stupid traps. They got Linda week before last. What say we go up the way ta Canada? They ain’t settin’ traps up there yet.” “You bet.” “Bitchin’. Let’s go.”

– General Mayhem! Retired 4-Star Army General Slams Chinese Food Delivery Man Against Fridge for Not Taking Check: Cops

Reader’s choice:

You don’t get to be a 4-star general without gettin’ a little mu on your shu.

…or…

Anyone else really, really hope his last name is Tso?

– Dramatic Video Shows Great White Shark Leaping Out of Water to Catch Seal

Hold the phone… Seals can FLY?!

– Stuffed Pig Having Time of its Life While Looking for Owner

No. No it is not. It is a stuffed animal. It has no life and it is enjoying nothing.

– Putin Dives in Mini-Sub to Shipwreck Off Crimea

If this doesn’t put a comical Spy vs. Spy image in your head, then I don’t even know why we’re friends.

– Muslim Leaders Sign Sweeping Climate Change Declaration

Sure people might be losing their heads left and right in middle eastern nations, but they’ll be losing them AFTER they properly sort their recycling. #priorities

– Russian Police Get Tough on Illicit Cheese

“I am KGB. I grill you until you talk.”

…stop groaning. You know you love it.

– For Mexicans, Trump’s Bid is Getting Scarier

For AMERICANS, Trumps bid is getting scarier!

– Name Company For Workers Online Contract

Dennis. I name it Dennis.

– Hamas: We Captured Dolphin Spying for Israel!

Enlightened lobsters. Flying seals. Spying dolphins. What the HELL is going on in our oceans?! Scientists, put down your pet brains and figure this shit out before we’re forced to serve our orca overlords.

– Saudi Arabia and Iran: Volatile Political Geography of Oil and Minorities, Analysis

I have to admit that I *do* feel better about America when I read that other regions waste money on bullshit, no brainer studies, too. It’s not just us. It’s a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

– Man Who Climbed Brooklyn Bridge, Took Selfie is Arrested

I think we can all rest easier knowing that this sick bastard is locked up. The streets will be a little less mean tonight. Thanks, NYPD! #priorities

– Finkbeiner Says Merging Government Makes Sense

Can we just stop and appreciate the fact that somewhere in this nation, a politician has the last name “Finkbeiner?”

– Police: Man With Explosive Device had No Anti-abortion Aim

He didn’t seem to care much about animal rights, nationalized health care, or the global effects of longterm drought conditions in central Asian nations, either. Go figure.

– Why Ted Cruz Has the Best Chance of Becoming the GOP Nominee

*can’t type comment…too busy laughing hysterically…*

– Researchers Say “Tree of Life” Actually a “Bush”

The tag line is the real scoop here: The idea is that when incidents of rapid speciation arise, evolution moves so quickly that the genome doesn’t diverge neatly. I have no idea why they didn’t lead off with that in the first place. Talk about a catchy hook, eh?

– Real Flying Saucers: Why Manhole Covers Take Flight in Summer

Because they must obey the call of their people. Fly, little manhole covers. Fly to the mother ship.

– Man in Bear Costume Harasses Bears In Alaska

The authorities intervened. I don’t think they should have. This is one problem that would have sorted itself out.

– Black Bear Destroys Interior of Teacher’s Car

See? Bears deliver their own swift justice. Sometimes the all natural approach is best.

– Buffet Fans Scolded for Leaving Homemade Toilets At Show

If you can sit through the fishbowl at a Buffet concert and be coherent enough to make your own toilet instead of pissing yours pants, you should get a medal, not a scolding. Real talk.

– Taiwan Will Preserve Adorable, Typhoon-damaged Mailboxes

Is it me, or is Taiwan swiftly replacing Japan on the WTF meter?

– Official Wheaties Beer Coming to Minnesota

Wait. I thought the entire point of Wheaties was to provide a healthful start to a healthy day? This is madness. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that Cap’n Crunch is launching a rum line in Florida, or that the Lucky Charm Leprechaun will soon be pimping whiskey in Boston? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– The Tallest Building Never Built

Nuh uh. I thought of the tallest building never built. It went a bazillion miles high to Saturn. I win.

– I Am Not An “Alien”

Nope. No way. No aliens here. *gulps* *tugs at collar* Is it getting hot as a glarplunx flardahp in here, or is it just me?

– Maybe Clinton Just Isn’t A Very Good Candidate?

Maybe not…

– Jeb Bush: NSA Needs Broader Powers to Combat ‘Evil Doers’

…but she’s sure as hell better than him!

– Americans Back Federal Funds to Planned Parenthood for Health Services, According to Poll

OF FUCKING COURSE WE DO. It’s an organization that spends the overwhelming majority of its time proving necessary health care of all the naughty bits people don’t like to talk about to folks who desperately need it. It’s 2015. THIS SHOULDN’T EVEN BE AN ISSUE!!!

– Sanders Outpaces Dean’s 2004 Run

Now, if he can only keep from making a funny “blearrrrah yeah” noise on camera… #maplesyrup4lyfehag

– The Meaning of Trump

I honestly, truly, 100%, deep in my heart of hearts believe that Donald Trump is actually just an irradiated pile of silicone with hair.

– Navy Seeks Better Sub-Hunting Technology to Counter Putin

Anyone else getting an image of Putin cackling maniacally while ineptly zipping around the bottom of the ocean in his mini-sub to the Benny Hill theme song? #funnybutnotfunnybecauseit’sprobablytrue

– Second Bangkok Bomb Puts City on Edge

…it took two to raise concern?!

– California Teenager Dies at Rave, Following Two Similar Deaths This Month

But, it’s, like, totally safe. PLUR ‘n angels ‘n shit.

– Africa Could Fit China and the U.S., With Room to Spare

Fifth grade geography is now breaking news. No Shit Gazette contribution for today?

– Idaho Replaces Mile Marker 420 with 419.9 to Thwart Stoners

Okay then. I guess it truly IS a geography-news day. Apologies for the previous snarkery. My bad.

– Probe of Clinton’s Server Could Find More than Just Emails

Let’s just be honest: Porn. That’s what everyone’s hoping to find.

– Bad-boy Kygrios Goes Out After Gasquet Spanking

I see they already found something juicy on Hillary’s PC…
OH COME ON. Don’t act like you weren’t in the gutter with me when you read that. Pfft.

And the headline that started it all today…

– NYC Mayor Signs Anti-Legionaires’ Bill

Wait a minute. Humanity is how old? We’ve had how many deadly viral outbreaks in our history? Untold millions have been wiped off the face of the earth… And no one thought to simply ban a virus before? Sometimes we just make things so hard on ourselves.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, August 19, 2015. NOW I’m going to art. Or screw around online. …yeah, ‘prolly that last one.