Who needs alarm clocks when you’ve got snowplows early on a Sunday morning?

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Mornin’ all.

Say, remember all the way back in December of 2018 we were looking forward to 2019 because it *HAD* to be better?

*slowly sips coffee*

It’s snowing heavily outside and I’ve got wicked heart burn from a really bad night of sleep. That pretty much sums up my feelings of 2019 so far. Ya know, I don’t even think I want to do much of a preamble today. I think we’ll just get right to the…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! ***

“Um, Bethie? You do realize that putting on a happy face and changing the subject to something frivolous is simply a coping mechanism to deflect from the discomfort of actually sharing and being vulnerable, right?”

Duh.

“…okay. Just making sure you knew what you were doing.”

I do! I’m showing you stupid headlines. Right now, the world is messed up AF, and the headlines reflect this. You know how this goes. I scour the mainstream internet news sites for headlines that jump out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re just plain old funny. Most times, though, they trigger a reaction I want to share. As always, the headlines are brought to you in all their…we’ll kindly call it “glory.” I just provide the snark. Let’s get into it.

– Why Stock Market Bears Are Preparing for Feb 13th

Because that’s the day the teddy bears have their piiiiic-nic.

– Trump Flag Rises After Previous One Vandalized

You do realize you just announced to the internet that you most definitely do not want your second flag vandalized as well, don’t you? And you expect that literally waving a flag at the internet bulls will go unnoticed? Have you never been on the internet before?

– TSA Workers to Get $500 Bonuses During Shutdown

TSA agents are considered “essential” workers. They have been working for about month without any pay at all. This “bonus” is the only loophole the TSA could find to get their people some sort of pay. I hate that the headline here makes it seem like the TSA agents are raking in excess when in reality, they’re getting shafted just like the rest of the federal employees. No comedy with this one, just disgust that such an immature self-centered asshole was allowed the opportunity to control so many lives.

– Third Drug Tunnel Discovered Along Mexican Border

ZOMG GUYS!!! I have a great idea on how to stop this!! Okay, what we need to do is figure out how to build some sort of, like, a…wall, or something. Only….UNDER THE GROUND. It’s fool proof.

– LeBron, Ellen, and 11 Other Stars Teach You How to Invest.

1. Get buttloads of money.

2. …you don’t have buttloads of money? You can’t invest without that.

3. Come back when you have completed step 1.

– Thinning Hair? Pour This On Your Head

In the 80s there was spray hair. You just painted your bald spot and some of the paint stuck to the thinning wisps leftover from your youth like a mascara toupee. Not particularly relevant here, I just wanted to let our younger audience know what we had to live through. #SeenSomeShit

– See A Meat-eating Hare Caught In The Act

Internet, life is hard enough. I do not want to see murder bunnies. Fuck off.

– Trump Kept Details of Meetings With Putin From U.S. Senior Officials

I see the No Shit Gazette is still going strong.

– Charlie Sheen Makes Move to Save House From Foreclosure

Soooo…he paid his mortgage? Mind blowing.

– California Town Launches ‘Goat Fund Me’ Campaign to Prevent Wildfires

Woooow. I’mma go get Smokey the Bear some aloe for that sick burn.

– Dems Fly to Puerto Rico on Chartered Jet, Meet With Lobbyists, See ‘Hamilton’ As Shutdown Drags On

…and they brought with them 250 lbs of donated medical supplies, paid for the jet with private funds, not federal tax dollars, and held many meetings with community leaders while there. I think the only outrage here is that no republicans went with them to help bridge the divide we have with our own citizens.

– Greek Leader Calls for Vote Of Confidence After Minister Quits Over Macedonia Deal

Have you followed the hot mess that is Greece in recent years? I don’t think that vote is going to go the way you want it to, man.

– This Is Why McDonald’s Won’t Serve Burgers In The Morning

Because they’re not uncultured swine, Susan. *roll my eyes* God.

– Iran Conducted Satellite Launch Criticized By US, But It Failed To Reach Orbit

*ANGER**OUTRAGE**GARGYBLARGYBROWNPEOPLEGRRR**BOOM**PSSSWWAAAHHH**pop**fizzle**CRASH* …oh. Never mind.

– EPA Action Against Polluters Hit 30 Year Low

Huh, that’s odd. Given Trump’s firm stance on global warming, I’m surprised there are ANY EPA sanctions happening at all. #CouldBeWorse?IGuess?

– Hoda Kotb Celebrates After Winning Super Bowl Bet

The Super Bowl hasn’t even happened yet, you absolute morons. Way to sports.

– Trump Can’t Stop US Coal Plants From Shutting Down

YAY!!! They should put this one in the “Good News” section!

– Baby Boom ‘Explodes’ Among Nurses At Illinois Hospital

Poll time! Which way did YOUR mind go when you read this:

1. They must have a hot new doctor “making the rounds”…

2. …or they were talking about literal exploding babies.

How you answer says a lot about you.

– Science Gets Shut Down Along With The Federal Government

Pence must be creaming his pants right now.

– Science Gets Shut Down Along With The Federal Government

Fortunately for us, logic will once again be the bucket of ice water on Pence’s theocratic dreams. THAT’S. NOT. HOW. SCIENCE. WORKS. While many studies have, indeed, been put on hold, “science”, the method by which we try to explain the observations of the natural world, can never, ever be stopped. People do it every single day. They will continue to do it every single day, whether there are tax dollars or not. Advancements WILL keep happening. The risk to our country is that if this absolute idiocy continues and there is no more funding, OTHER nations will zoom past us in their hover cars while we revert to the ways of 2,000 years ago. I do not want that. Any reasonable-minded person should not want that. #ScienceISTheWay!

– FDA To Restart Food Inspections With Unpaid Staff

Yeah, because they’re really going to put their all into keeping the community safe when they’re not getting paid. Get ready for some spite e.coli.

– River of Chocolate Flows On AZ Highway After Truck Spill

Yeah, it’s cool and all, but if you try and jump in, Oompa Loompas will carry you off while singing a catchy ditty before you even get your fill. Er, don’t ask how I know this. *still wiping chocolate from…crevices…*

– Woman Drinking Wine From Pringles Can Banned From Texas Walmart

See kids? This is why McDonald’s has to draw the line at morning burgers. It’s a very slippery slope between 11 am nuggets, and winos drinking out of french fry containers.

– Woman Drinking Wine From Pringles Can Banned From Texas Walmart

…and I’d just like to point out that as soon as you read the beginning of the headline, you KNEW it was going to be Walmart and a southern state. I, personally, expected it to be Florida. It’s those little plot twists that keep life interesting.

– Easter Island Statues: Researchers Explain Their Location

“See, if they were anywhere else, we couldn’t call them ‘Easter Island statues’.” *ahhhs from rapt crowd*

– Man Caught Trying to Smuggle Live Snake In Berlin Airport

Genug ist genug! They’ve had it with those mutter ficken snakes on their mutter ficken planes!

– Black Student Told Her Skin Was Too Dark Sues Kansas School District

Her dance coach said her skin was too dark to look good with the dance costumes, then was caught saying she “felt sick” that the student won a dance scholarship, and even though she was fired on paper, she still continued to coach the team on what sounds like a “volunteer” basis, going so far as to reorganize the yearly banquet for every other student BUT the girl in question, all with the school administration’s approval. I hope this girl gets MILLIONS!!!

– School Students Filmed In Blackface Imitating Monkeys

Just in case you forgot for even a second that in 2019 this absolute bullshit still happens. I wonder why we’ve come so far in some ways, yet still can’t shake these outdated, immoral, tribalistic ideas?

– Noah’s Ark Theme Park Spars With Advocacy Group Over Visits By Public School Students

OH. That’s right. Never mind my previous question.

– Trump Wall Donors Have Given $7 Million For New Idea

Have you heard about this guy? He’s taking GoFundMe money to privately fund the wall for the government. Now, he’s changed things up a bit. Realizing that there was no way in hell he could reach his goal of $5 Billion, he is taking the millions to build his OWN wall on the southern border. It is depressing how quickly fools will throw away their money.

– Government Shutdown: Coast Guard Family Starts GoFundMe To Pay Members

Hey, fools! Instead of falling for a wall scheme, maybe give to our coast guard service members who are still working to ACTUALLY protect our nation from REAL threats. Just sayin’.

– Second Brexit Referendum Vote More Likely After May’s Plan Defeated

This is a perfect example of how we just can’t escape being like our parents. #WeLearnedItByWatchingYou,Mumsy

– China First Nation To Grow Cotton On The Moon

A cool little research project, with potentially awesome benefits if they can just…

– China’s Moon Plant Has Already Died

…well. This just got awkward.

– The ‘Pegan’ Diet Could Be The Next Big Thing

It’s a combo of “vegan” and “paleo”. Soooo…like…just literal grazing in a field?

– The ‘Pegan’ Diet Could Be The Next Big Thing

And while we’re on the subject… I understand the many reasons for a vegan diet. I do not understand paleo. Why on earth would you want to eat like people who had an average lifespan of 35? Ancient “wisdom” isn’t. It’s just what a group of people with a very limited understanding of the world around them and almost no concept of how their own bodies functioned could come up with at the time. Their bones showed that almost all of these “paleo” humans were plagued with many diseases that could easily be prevented if they weren’t malnourished. It’s just bizarre to me that anyone thinks prehistoric cave dwellers who had 1/3 the lifespan we’ve got now had any kind of leg up on modern nutritionists.

– A 24-room Gothic Victorian Mansion Has Dropped in Jamaica Plain For $4.2M

Did it land on a wicked witch?

– Trump Startled By Barr-Mueller Friendship, Sources Say

“I don’t understand. What’s this fredchip malarkey?” “Friendship, sir. It’s when two people like and support each other.” “Hang on. You’re going too fast, Pencildick. Huckababe, write this down after you finish waxing my ass.” “*sigh* It’s just Sanders now, sir.”

– Measles Outbreak Grows In Areas With Low Vaccination Rates

Damn. If only there was a way to stop it.

– Shutdown: Crowdfunding Employees Likely Violating Ethics Rules, Experts Say

And they might face punishment when the government resumes. If this doesn’t make your blood boil, we can’t be friends anymore.

– Hope You Aren’t Counting On Getting A Tax Refund This Winter

Honey, I know we’re all disappointed in our government right now, but back that sass off a little, m’kay?

– Trump Touts Border Wall In San Antonio Which Has No Wall And Isn’t On The Border.

*tents fingers in front of mouth* Guys. Real talk, here. To any of you who support Trump, take a second to really think about the implications of a dude who will close the government down and force hundreds of thousands of hardworking American federal employees towards financial ruin over an issue he hasn’t even fucking studied. He hasn’t even bothered to look at a goddamn map. COME. ON. Give me one legitimate reason you still support him.

– Can She Keep Miami Beach Above The Rising Sea?

Nope.

– Supreme Appeal: Ruth Bader Ginsberg Makes Appearance In ‘Lego Movie 2’

The mashup we didn’t know we needed.

– Corruption Takes Centre Stage In Nigerian Election Campaign

I feel you, Nigerians. I wish I could say it gets better once it’s out in the open, but apparently people will just turn around and look at something else. Hang in there, guys.

– Melania Trump’s Year In Fashion Was Filled With Faux Pas

That’s okay, so was her husband’s year in politics.

– Vogue Mistakes Journalist For Actress

HOW COULD YOU. You’re dead to me, Vogue.

– Jayme Closs Rescued Herself. Should She Get The Reward Money?

Hell yes. This shouldn’t even be a question.

– Melania Trump Stays Out of Sight– But In Flight– During Shutdown

Good. With all her fashion faux pas smearing this country’s good name, the best place for her is out of sight. I swear, if I have to look at her parade around last season’s Louboutins like some uncultured troglodyte one more time…

– DNA Technology Is Helping Police Solve Cold Cases

I feel like this article is the result of the NY Times releasing a reporter they had locked in a dungeon for 50 years with no access to technology, giving him one week to bone up on everything that’s taken place, and then saying, “Aaaand here’s your keyboard. Think of it like a typewriter without ink. Now, write us a story.”

– Her Company Wants You Fitted With The Right Bra- At Home

Anyone else getting a fashion-forward Tinder vibe?

– Macron Faces Grilling In Land Of Cheese

I feel like you’re all bracing for the “Macron-i and cheese” pun. I have trained you well. You can relax, though. What kind of muenster would I be to pick on a gouda guy like Macron? Hasn’t he been stiltoned enough by the press? After all, didn’t he embarrass the hell out of Trump by casually touching his knee? Edam well did, and I respect him for it!

“Bethie, one more and we can’t be friends anymore.”

…that’s fair.

– Should You Try ‘Souping?’

Kids, the internet is the modern version of a stranger in a white van. If the internet asks if you want to try something, the answer is always “NO!” #StrangerDanger #MothersAgainstSouping

– Avocados: History Of An Unlikely But Legitimate Healthy Food Craze

I’mma just say it: I hate avocados. Fuck your avocado toast and your avocado ice creams and your sneaky ass avocado BLTs. Keep your environment-killing, mildew-tasting, neon gloppy bullshit out of my dinner! *deep sigh* Whoo! That is a load off, I tell you what.

– Trend Alert: Mushrooms In Coffee, Chocolate

Mushroom…chocolate??! …still better than avocados.

– US Sends Stealth B-2s to Pacific

I’m not the best at math, but let’s work this problem out together. A B-2 stealth bomber has a top speed of 628 mph. The current rate of air flow of the jet stream from west to east is 110 mph. If one bomber is deployed 2,300 miles from its home base traveling against the jet stream, and the pentagon announces the deployment, how fast will the “stealth” part of the operation be negated?

Show your work for full credit.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Snowday, January Snowtieth, 20Snowteen. While you work on your math homework, I’mma go do round one of shoveling. You know you’re jealous.

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