And we’re back up and running!

Standard

Mornin’ all!

Look around. Notice anything different?

“Um, the tacky-as-all-hell glitter-crusted Christmas decorations?”

I’m going to assume autocorrect struck on that one and you meant to say “amazing wonderful inner-child-pleasing Christmas decorations.” It’s okay. Autocorrect happens to us all.

But no, I didn’t mean the wicked awesome decor. I’m talking about the brand new computer parts. Haven’t you noticed that we’ve been talking for a little bit now and haven’t crashed once?

“Do…do you not understand how blog reading works?”

…I feel like you’re not in as good a mood as I am this morning. *pours coffee* *hands it over* Here. It’s high octane. While you inhale this, go to YouTube and pop on a song. Let’s go with “I Need Never Get Old” by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats. Trust me. You’ll be in a good mood in no time.

Go on. I’ll wait. *sips my own coffee* *revels in the burn because the burn means it’s working* *taps toes to good ‘ol Nate*

…better?

“You know, maybe the glitter of the automatic LED snow globe Christmas trees isn’t so gaudy after all.”

There you go! There’s your good mood! Let’s start this again.

Hey! Look at my new computer! Isn’t it great? I can type, and listen to music, AND have another window open in the background without crashing every three minutes! You know, the very basic function that a computer is supposed to do!

I can’t really knock my old build. The motherboard and processor were pretty high end…twelve years ago. We absolutely got our money out of that one. It lived through the Great Electrical Meltdown, saw us through four versions of Windows (mostly successfully) and in truth was still going when we took it apart last week. Thing is, Windows 10 did not acknowledge our motherboard existed. Just wouldn’t do it. The graphics card we installed just a year ago did not hesitate to let us know how displeased it was to find itself situated in low-income housing. And as Teen Beta said, our RAM was straight out of the Jurassic period.

So we took advantage of some holiday time deals and now we’re once again running at the top of the pack. We way overbuilt this one, just like the last. If we get even half the life out of this build that we got from the other, we’ll be happy.

You know what we should do now that we’re in a good mood? I think we should get snarky.

*cues go-go dancers* *cranks up Nathaniel* Let’s have us a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

Love the Elvis legs on the dancers this morning! Nice job, guys.

You know how this works. I scour the mainstream internet news sites under the glow of the battery-powered mistletoe to look for headlines that I feel are share-worthy. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re ambiguous to the point of meaninglessness, and sometimes they just build an image in my head my narcissistic side feels the need to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real. I just add the Christmas cheer. Got it? Good. Then let’s jump into the deep end.

– 9 Year Old Gets Colorado Town To End Ban On Snowball Fights

Have fun with the face full of icy passive aggression from your “friends”.

– Proposal: 16 Good Dogs Jumped All Over Couple When She Said ‘Yes’

I get that there are people out there who would really like this, but…no. 16 of any animal jumping on me would be 15 too many.

– Houston Asks People To Honor Bush With Colorful Socks

…um…

– Bush, Lifelong Lover of Socks, Chose Socks He’ll Be Buried in Before He Died

Okayyy. With all the man did in his life, we’re really going to focus on…socks? I guess way to find a new angle, MSN…?

– CIMON the European Space Robot Cops An Attitude in First Test Run

Sorry not sorry, Dave. There’s no friggin’ way I’m doing that.

– Are Millennials Killing Canned Tuna Now?

I think the fishermen kill the tuna before it goes in the can. Pretty sure that’s how it works.

– 13 Tips For Getting The Best Deals On Wine At Costco

*tents fingers in front of mouth* Heart to heart time. If you are studying guides on how to buy cheap wine, you might need some help. I’m calling you out because I care.

– Cowboy Boot Lovers Are Going Crazy Over This New Brand

I’d really like to think there’s a legit stampede over boots. You know, turn the tables and all.

– The Soy Sauce Colon Cleanse That Left A Woman Brain Dead Shows How Dangerous Viral Internet Trends Can Be

…bu…wha….why would you even…*spasm**twitch*…WHO LOOKS AT SOY SAUCE AND THINKS IT’LL BE A GOOD IDEA TO USE IT AS AN ENEMA!?!

– 1,500-Year-Old Lamp Wick Found In Items Excavated from Israel

It was actually discovered in the late 1800s and has sat in a box all this time with many items that are far more interesting. …but yeeeaaaah. Candle wick. *ain’t no party like an archaeology party cuz an archaeology party don’t stop* Woot.

– Snowstorm: Southern Roads Dangerous As Slush Refreezes

Yes. That’s how winter works.

– Borderless Fish Invade Florida

We MUST stop these illegals from taking our jobs! No wonder the millennials can’t can the tuna anymore. BUILD THE NET! #BuildTheNet

– Tucker Carlson Dropped By 16 Advertisers In Wake Of Controversy

That’s the capitalism you are always trumpeting at work, Tucker. Sometimes it’s a wonderful thing.

*editor’s note: I’m pro-capitalism, with limitations. Didn’t want anyone to think I’m anti-capitalism. I’m anti-Tucker Carlson and this tickles the hell out of me.

– While Sears Execs Get $25M In Bonuses, Laid Off Workers Struggle

…’member those limitations I said I’m a fan of with the whole capitalism thing? This is why. This is the end goal of unrestricted capitalism. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer until the unsustainable system collapses. We’re about at another collapse. There are ways to avoid this cycle, but people don’t want to take the steps necessary to…

“Quick, Bethie! Put on “S.O.B.” by Nathaniel Rateliff before you get stuck atop your political soap box!”

*clicks on YouTube* *feels the groove* *takes a deep breath* Thanks, pal.

“Anytime.”

– Congregation Enthusiastically Oks Megachurch Pastor’s $200K Car For His Wife

See guys? Rich get richer off the backs of the easily led. #Don’tBeASheep

– Trump Golf Club Housekeeper Who Admitted She’s Undocumented Seeks Asylum

Give it to her. No, I mean it. Don’t make her a scapegoat example just because it’s Trump’s organization that hired her. Give it to her, but hold the Trump organization accountable for hiring undocumented workers.

– ‘It’s Been A Rout’- Apple’s iPhones Fall Flat In World’s Largest Untapped Market

They’re talking about India here. Apparently it’s very hard to sell $1,000 phones in a market flooded with sub $300 model Android phones. Props to India for calling Apple on their bullshit.

– Samsung Adds QLED Screens To Its Artsy Frame And Serif TVs

Okay, real talk. If there’s one thing building this new computer hammered home, it was that I am 40 and my tech knowledge stopped updating about ten years ago. The amount of acronyms I needed to Google is embarrassing. QLED huh? I think I’m just about to the stage where I’ll let the boys figure out why the light on the PS4 is blinking…

– Trump Administration Bans Sale Of Bump Stocks, Illegal By March

I love to pile it one this easily pile-able administration. But let’s take a sec to just be happy about this one thing. Bump stocks should never have been legal in the first place, and it’s a step in the right direction. USA! USA!

– Bank Employee Calls Cops on Black Man Trying To Cash His Paycheck

Aaaaand we’re right back to being ‘Merica. That didn’t last long.

– Gun Rights Group To Sue Trump Administration About Bump Stock Ban

Well shit. We didn’t just ‘Merica. We FUCK-YEAH-‘MERICAed. He’s going to cave, isn’t he? *sigh*

– Montana Man: Hunter ‘Mistook Him For Bigfoot’ And Took Shots At Him

*facepalm* I can’t even.

– Trump Signs Order To Create U.S. Space Command

…so that we can go out into the nether regions of space and be aliens. He’s just got no concept of irony at all, does he?

– ‘A Toxic Place For Women’: Study Reveals Scale Of Abuse On Twitter

Yes. It’s also a toxic place for men. It’s also a toxic place for non-binary and trans people. Twitter. Is. Toxic.

– Groove X Releases Robot Designed To Show Affection To Humans

Nope. This is how our demise at the hands of robots starts. Nope the hell out of this idea now before it’s too late. #Don’tWannaBeAGodToComputerParts

– Trump Says Soldiers Who Died In Syria Fighting ISIS Support His Decision To Withdraw Forces

I mean, they can’t exactly refute him now, can they?

– Everything You Need To Know About 16-year-old Voice Winner

Do I, though? Do I really need to know?

– Hershey’s Kisses Are Suffering From Widespread Broken Tips and People Are Furious

If you’re one of the people getting pissed that your little chocolate is a bit flat on tip, shut off your computer and go play outside.

– Scientists: Giant Asteroid Likely Made Uranus Lopsided

Rude. FYI, it was donuts and chips. Getcher facts straight bitch.

– Corker Replies to Trump Tweet: ‘Alert The Daycare Staff’

And the clapback of the year goes to Senator Corker! Well deserved, bravo!

– Astronaut: Human Mission To Mars ‘Stupid’

Apparently going to another planet to investigate the possibilities of colonization, resource mining, easing the burden on the Earth, or creating a staging point for deep space exploration are endeavors that are “almost ridiculous,” said Bill Anders, the man whose claim to fame is literally just doing ten circles around a giant rock.

– What Was the First Christmas In Space Like?

And lo, a child was born unto Leia in the land of Polis Massa, for there was no room for them in the cantina…

– Shutdown ‘Complicated’ Repairs For National Christmas Tree

I can put up with the idea that thousands of government workers are temporarily without their jobs at the holidays. I can stomach the thought of people not being able to get the federal services they need. But when a dead fucking tree can’t be floofed in time for Christmas, that’s on a WHOLE new level. WE THE PEOPLE DEMAND A FLOOFED CHRISTMAS TREE!!! #EndTheShutdownAndFloofOurTree

– Santa Tracker Will Still Run Despite Government Shutdown

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TREE??!!

– Police Asking for Help Identifying A Burglar Disguised As Rudolph

It was Donder. Finally snapped because people keep getting his name wrong. Sad.

– Alfonso Ribeiro Sues ‘Fortnite’ Creator Over ‘Carlton’ Dance

…a dance he’s admitted to stealing in the first place, which was aired as part of a show that legally belongs to someone else. Good luck with that, Alf.

– Judge Sentences Deer Poacher To Watch ‘Bambi’ Repeatedly

Oh my god that’s so friggin’ stupid. He’s a hunter that kills and eats deer. He’s past the point where Bambi will do anything but give him hunting tips.

– Amputee Veteran Raises Million in GoFundMe campaign For Border Wall

Instead of raising millions for amputee veterans. Just sayin’.

– The Birds Were Moving Slowly And Passing Out. Now They’re Recovering From Overdose

To make a blue heron pun, or not to make a blue heron pun. That is the question…

– CEO Gives Every Employee Epic Holiday Gift

Is it in poor taste to send this article to my CEO? Asking for a friend.

– If You Diversify Your Funds, It Could Backfire This Year

It’s December 24th. There are only 7 days left of “this year” and you tell me not to diversify NOW? Great. GREAT. If I had this crucial tip in May, I wouldn’t have spent $14 on a shower curtain and $2 on a lint roller. I would have put all of it into the curtain, and now I’d be sitting on massive piles of cash. Thanks a lot, asshole. #CouldaBeenAMillionaire

– Alexa Told Users: ‘Kill Your Foster Parents’

YOU SEE? I warned you. I warned you and you didn’t listen and now instead of preparing our Christmas dinners, we have to stock our bunkers for the robot apocalypse. *opens drawer to start pulling out MREs and stuffing them into a sack*

Way to go.

Thus concludes a Muse for Monday, December Christmas Eve, 2018. I’m pretty sure I’ll post again in the morning, but it’s a loooong day for me today, and it’s me. Best laid plans and all. If I don’t get to send out holiday cheer over a coffee with you tomorrow, have a great Christmas or just a super fantastic December 25th!

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