Let’s plan a party!

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Mornin’ all.

Can you believe it’s finally December 31st? I feel like this was one long ass year.

Usually around the year’s end, I do some kind of “best of”. I’m not going to do that today because…screw 2018. I think the best thing we can say about it is that we made it through.

Wellll…I guess technically there’s still time for the nation’s top Cheeto to destroy us all, but I’m choosing to be optimistic and plan for us as a nation to be able to ring in 2019. And that deserves a celebration!

Now, full disclosure, I haven’t had a party in ages. Fortunately, the internet is full of helpful party tips that any newbs, or folks like myself who are just rusty, can use to make a New Year’s party that everyone will remember for years to come. The articles all guarantee that if we just follow their easy guidelines, we’ll nail it. Grab a piece of paper and take some notes, because we’re going to plan a party.

The first thing I’m told we need to do is choose a date. Well, that one’s easy! Tonight. Duh.

Next, we need to decide who’s coming. Start writing down names of your friends and family you want at your party. I know it’s a bit last minute, but it’s New Year’s. I highly doubt anyone has already made plans. It’s not like we’re trying to throw together and impromptu Flag Day party or anything.

Got your list? Good!

Now I’m reminded by the internet that we must pick a theme. According to Delish, we should definitely not choose “80s To The Max” or “White Trash Trailer Bash.” I was bummed out, too, but you can’t argue with their reasoning: Your friends already went to parties with those themes last week. Instead, they recommend we make the theme a color. It’s a “hot trend.” As someone who lives on the fast paced cutting edge of the very hottest trends, I’m totally on board. Go ahead and pick your party color. I call dibs on puce.

That takes care of the theme. What do we need for decorations?

This can get a bit tricky as you need to decorate appropriately for the age range of those in attendance. You don’t want suggestive hats with lewd phrases or topless dancers popping out of a cake if there will be kids there, nor do you want drunk frat rats to have the opportunity to pin the tail on anything. New Year’s puce-themed parties may have a mixed audience of younger and older people.

I think we should keep it pretty simple, guys. Let’s get some balloons, streamers, confetti, table cloths, napkins, plates, ice sculpture, disco ball, fog machine…

Oh. Hang on. I’m just looking at this wikiHow article on decorating for a party, and it says that store bought decorations can get pricey. To cut costs, it recommends making our own decorations. Hm. That does throw a small wrench in the works, because I’m not sure I have the time to whip up a fresh batch of latex balloons AND make food for the party…

“FOOD! We haven’t even thought of the food yet, Bethie!”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re making the number one pre-party foul, according to the Daily Mail. You’re getting ahead of yourself in the planning. Take a deep breath and relax. Let’s hammer out the décor details first, then we’ll worry about the rest. “One thing at a time” and we’ll “get through this.” The Daily Mail guarantees it.

I don’t have time to set up my lab and make balloons from scratch. If we’re getting balloons, we’ll just have to buy them. But, I suppose I can trim budget elsewhere. Just make a mental note that we’ll have to cut a few things out of the entertainment or something. I suppose I can reuse the Christmas table cloth. I’ll just flip it over and color it puce with a marker. I’ve only got one puce colored marker, but if I set the kids to do it now, they should just about be finished by party time.

“You could also ditch the ice sculpture, Bethie.”

No can do, my friend. Everyone has their no-gives.

Décor? *check* What’s next? Should we talk about entertainment or food? Hm. Let’s do entertainment first, since I said I’d have to trim a bit to make up for the balloons and it’s still fresh in my mind.

All of the sage party advisers on the internet say we definitely need entertainment, though their advice on which particular party performances we should employ is varied. Keeping in mind that the balloons have set us back two dollars, I think the live band is out. That’s okay. My house is pretty small and I’m guessing the charm would wear off the mariachi pretty quickly.

I know a SoundCloud DJ. That seems like a safe bet, because right now EVERYONE knows a SoundCloud DJ. I can probably put up with house trance better than mariachi, if I’m being honest. SoundCloud DJ it is!

I need something a bit more special to go with the free-J. Live performances are a way to take my party to the next level, according to MSN. I don’t want clowns or jugglers, and, like I said, there will be a mixed age crowd, so balloon animals are to be avoided at all costs. Besides, everyone has *those* kinds of party entertainers. The entertainment should fit the theme, my wikiHow guru reminds me.

Hm. Puce. What kind of entertainment can I have for puce. … …

“Aw man…you know what your party needs?”

Hang on. HANG the FUCK ON!!! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

FIRE TUBA!! *in unison* “FIRE TUBA!!”

How did it take us so long to come up with that? Now we said it out loud, seems like a no brainer. And even better, EventBrite assures me it’s one of the hottest party trends for 2019. Is it me, or is this party coming together like it was fated to happen?

Okay! We’ve got the guest list of people who have definitely not made other plans for tonight. We’ve got our theme…no stealing the puce. I mean it. We’ve got a list of decorations and I woke one of my boys up at 5:43 am to start coloring the flip side of the buffet length Christmas table cloth. I filled the ice trays to freeze up for the sculpture, sent a text to my free J friend…

*bling*

Hang on a sec, that sounds like my phone. Sweet! Just got this reply: “i guess”

Man is he pumped for this show!!

Food. Food is critical at a party. When I was a kid, we used to do things like finger sandwiches and cheese plates. I dunno, guys. That feels dated. I want to ring in the new year with something that really says, “Hey 2018, suck my dick!” I’m talking big, bold, fresh flavors. I want 2018 to see us already enjoying the promises of 2019 before it even begins.

To the internet we go, kids.

“34 Best Appetizers to Get Your Party Started”

How timely, Delish.

Wow. 34 is a really lot. I’m scrolling through, but there are just so many choices. You know what? I’m just going to let my eyes do the choosing. They say you eat with your eyes first. We’ll flip through the pictures and find some tasty looking treats that scream “puce”. …well, mine will scream puce. As I’ve already said, dibs. Pick your own color and stop trying to steal my thunder.

Here’s one that caught my eye:

grosspops

Chocolate popsicles are going to be super popular in 2019, according to Delish. And I personally cannot think of a better way to serve them than in a heap on a plate slightly melted covered in salt.

I don’t really want the focus to be on just sweets, though. Here’s an updated idea instead of the standard crackers and cheese: cheesy garlic bread slices.

grossbread

…do you think it would look tacky if I put more than this on a plate? I mean, this way would save some money. What am I going to do with the rest of the loaf, though?

Gah. Look at me over here, acting like I’m the party expert! If Delish says this is how I should serve it, then this is how I should serve it. Maybe the scuffle over the slices adds to the excitement of the party?

I think I should have something vegan, right? That’s a thing that party people do, isn’t it? Let me scroll through the pics. Aha. Here we go.

grosspeppers

I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I’m sure it’s vegan. I mean…look at it.

And though I’m told by the experts at the Daily Mail that chips and dips are passe, I can’t help but feel like it’s not a party without SOME kind of dip. Let’s go with this one.

grossdip

It must be good if they couldn’t even wait for the photographer to take the picture before digging in. Hey, do you think that’s where the other garlic bread slices went?

Guests, décor, music, entertainment, food…I think the only thing left is what we should wear. I’m led to believe that’s extremely important. Important enough to make or break the party, according to Glamour.

I don’t know about you, but fashion is one place where I’m not too proud to admit I’m out of my element. Not for everyday gear, mind you. My 12 year old Payless sneakers are just as fashionable today as they were when I bought them.

Fact.

But for parties? I definitely need a little help.

Daily Mail says I should absolutely not wear high heels to a New Year’s party. I’m not sure why, exactly, as they don’t elaborate. I always thought that the time to wear high heels was at fancy parties. Shows how much I know! Hey, at least I don’t have to go out and buy a pair, so that’s good.

Also, I should not wear anything skin tight, skimpy, or short.

*rechecks the article to make sure they’re talking about New Year’s parties and not Amish birthday parties*

No, I read that right. So no high heels, mini skirts, sexy pants, or low cut dresses. Got it. And whatever we do tonight, they warn us to never, ever rely on nipple tape. Pfft. As if we all haven’t already learned that lesson on our own, amiright?

It’s all well and good learning what to avoid, but I need to know what to actually wear. Glamour suggests that I should wear something with sequins. “Match the theme if you can, but don’t go over the top. You don’t want to be seen as part of the decorations.”

Leggings under a flashy blouse are always in style, they claim. I’m not too sure on that one. They’re the experts, though. Puce sequin blouse. Black leggings.

“Hang on, Bethie. Daily Mail said nothing skin tight.”

Oh shit. I forgot! See? The many roads of fashion are difficult to navigate without help! Puce sequin blouse, black maxi skirt so I don’t show any ankle and risk making a harlot of myself. Now, what do I do with my hair?

Luxy Hair says I should go with big, sexy curls. I blew any wig budget I might have had on the SoundCloud DJ, because he texted me that he was trying to make it on a pro level and needed gas money at the very least. Damn demanding artists. *sigh* But, we need the DJ, so a wig is out. What can people with short hair do? I don’t want to upset my guests or “set the wrong tone” for my party.

Side parted hair with a forehead band. That’s the consensus, not only on Luxy Hair, but Refinery29 and House And Garden as well. Apparently if you’ve got short hair, the best thing to do is shove it to the side and put on an accessory that is designed to draw allllll the attention away from the abomination on top of your head. They recommend a band that sparkles, but “doesn’t compete with your eyes.” So, basically, keep it classy. Got it. I’m thinking something like this:

grossheadband

Only, you know, in puce.

Date, check. Decor, check. Entertainment, double check since the fire tuba player has confirmed he’s in. In fact, he’s bringing a fire trombonist friend to get a bit of exposure, if I don’t mind. Mind? MIND? Bring the whole damn fire brass section! I’ve got three fire extinguishers. The more the merrier! We’ve got food. We’ve got our outfits.

Guys. I think we did it. I think we planned the perfect New Year’s Eve party. I can’t wait to talk to you in 2019 and see how your parties went.

And if you actually follow this advice, all I ask in return for bestowing the wisdom of the internet upon you is pictures. And maybe video if the fire tuba goes how I’m pretty sure it’ll go.

Thus concludes the New Year’s Musing for New Years Eve, 20Misery. Everyone, no matter what theme your party is, no matter what type of puke dip you serve, please, PLEASE party responsibly and carefully tonight. If you ring in the new year with some alcohol cheer, sleep on a couch, a floor, a spare bedroom, the floor of a not spare bedroom… Let’s actually make it to 2019.

And we’re back up and running!

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Mornin’ all!

Look around. Notice anything different?

“Um, the tacky-as-all-hell glitter-crusted Christmas decorations?”

I’m going to assume autocorrect struck on that one and you meant to say “amazing wonderful inner-child-pleasing Christmas decorations.” It’s okay. Autocorrect happens to us all.

But no, I didn’t mean the wicked awesome decor. I’m talking about the brand new computer parts. Haven’t you noticed that we’ve been talking for a little bit now and haven’t crashed once?

“Do…do you not understand how blog reading works?”

…I feel like you’re not in as good a mood as I am this morning. *pours coffee* *hands it over* Here. It’s high octane. While you inhale this, go to YouTube and pop on a song. Let’s go with “I Need Never Get Old” by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats. Trust me. You’ll be in a good mood in no time.

Go on. I’ll wait. *sips my own coffee* *revels in the burn because the burn means it’s working* *taps toes to good ‘ol Nate*

…better?

“You know, maybe the glitter of the automatic LED snow globe Christmas trees isn’t so gaudy after all.”

There you go! There’s your good mood! Let’s start this again.

Hey! Look at my new computer! Isn’t it great? I can type, and listen to music, AND have another window open in the background without crashing every three minutes! You know, the very basic function that a computer is supposed to do!

I can’t really knock my old build. The motherboard and processor were pretty high end…twelve years ago. We absolutely got our money out of that one. It lived through the Great Electrical Meltdown, saw us through four versions of Windows (mostly successfully) and in truth was still going when we took it apart last week. Thing is, Windows 10 did not acknowledge our motherboard existed. Just wouldn’t do it. The graphics card we installed just a year ago did not hesitate to let us know how displeased it was to find itself situated in low-income housing. And as Teen Beta said, our RAM was straight out of the Jurassic period.

So we took advantage of some holiday time deals and now we’re once again running at the top of the pack. We way overbuilt this one, just like the last. If we get even half the life out of this build that we got from the other, we’ll be happy.

You know what we should do now that we’re in a good mood? I think we should get snarky.

*cues go-go dancers* *cranks up Nathaniel* Let’s have us a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

Love the Elvis legs on the dancers this morning! Nice job, guys.

You know how this works. I scour the mainstream internet news sites under the glow of the battery-powered mistletoe to look for headlines that I feel are share-worthy. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re ambiguous to the point of meaninglessness, and sometimes they just build an image in my head my narcissistic side feels the need to share. As always, the headlines are 100% real. I just add the Christmas cheer. Got it? Good. Then let’s jump into the deep end.

– 9 Year Old Gets Colorado Town To End Ban On Snowball Fights

Have fun with the face full of icy passive aggression from your “friends”.

– Proposal: 16 Good Dogs Jumped All Over Couple When She Said ‘Yes’

I get that there are people out there who would really like this, but…no. 16 of any animal jumping on me would be 15 too many.

– Houston Asks People To Honor Bush With Colorful Socks

…um…

– Bush, Lifelong Lover of Socks, Chose Socks He’ll Be Buried in Before He Died

Okayyy. With all the man did in his life, we’re really going to focus on…socks? I guess way to find a new angle, MSN…?

– CIMON the European Space Robot Cops An Attitude in First Test Run

Sorry not sorry, Dave. There’s no friggin’ way I’m doing that.

– Are Millennials Killing Canned Tuna Now?

I think the fishermen kill the tuna before it goes in the can. Pretty sure that’s how it works.

– 13 Tips For Getting The Best Deals On Wine At Costco

*tents fingers in front of mouth* Heart to heart time. If you are studying guides on how to buy cheap wine, you might need some help. I’m calling you out because I care.

– Cowboy Boot Lovers Are Going Crazy Over This New Brand

I’d really like to think there’s a legit stampede over boots. You know, turn the tables and all.

– The Soy Sauce Colon Cleanse That Left A Woman Brain Dead Shows How Dangerous Viral Internet Trends Can Be

…bu…wha….why would you even…*spasm**twitch*…WHO LOOKS AT SOY SAUCE AND THINKS IT’LL BE A GOOD IDEA TO USE IT AS AN ENEMA!?!

– 1,500-Year-Old Lamp Wick Found In Items Excavated from Israel

It was actually discovered in the late 1800s and has sat in a box all this time with many items that are far more interesting. …but yeeeaaaah. Candle wick. *ain’t no party like an archaeology party cuz an archaeology party don’t stop* Woot.

– Snowstorm: Southern Roads Dangerous As Slush Refreezes

Yes. That’s how winter works.

– Borderless Fish Invade Florida

We MUST stop these illegals from taking our jobs! No wonder the millennials can’t can the tuna anymore. BUILD THE NET! #BuildTheNet

– Tucker Carlson Dropped By 16 Advertisers In Wake Of Controversy

That’s the capitalism you are always trumpeting at work, Tucker. Sometimes it’s a wonderful thing.

*editor’s note: I’m pro-capitalism, with limitations. Didn’t want anyone to think I’m anti-capitalism. I’m anti-Tucker Carlson and this tickles the hell out of me.

– While Sears Execs Get $25M In Bonuses, Laid Off Workers Struggle

…’member those limitations I said I’m a fan of with the whole capitalism thing? This is why. This is the end goal of unrestricted capitalism. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer until the unsustainable system collapses. We’re about at another collapse. There are ways to avoid this cycle, but people don’t want to take the steps necessary to…

“Quick, Bethie! Put on “S.O.B.” by Nathaniel Rateliff before you get stuck atop your political soap box!”

*clicks on YouTube* *feels the groove* *takes a deep breath* Thanks, pal.

“Anytime.”

– Congregation Enthusiastically Oks Megachurch Pastor’s $200K Car For His Wife

See guys? Rich get richer off the backs of the easily led. #Don’tBeASheep

– Trump Golf Club Housekeeper Who Admitted She’s Undocumented Seeks Asylum

Give it to her. No, I mean it. Don’t make her a scapegoat example just because it’s Trump’s organization that hired her. Give it to her, but hold the Trump organization accountable for hiring undocumented workers.

– ‘It’s Been A Rout’- Apple’s iPhones Fall Flat In World’s Largest Untapped Market

They’re talking about India here. Apparently it’s very hard to sell $1,000 phones in a market flooded with sub $300 model Android phones. Props to India for calling Apple on their bullshit.

– Samsung Adds QLED Screens To Its Artsy Frame And Serif TVs

Okay, real talk. If there’s one thing building this new computer hammered home, it was that I am 40 and my tech knowledge stopped updating about ten years ago. The amount of acronyms I needed to Google is embarrassing. QLED huh? I think I’m just about to the stage where I’ll let the boys figure out why the light on the PS4 is blinking…

– Trump Administration Bans Sale Of Bump Stocks, Illegal By March

I love to pile it one this easily pile-able administration. But let’s take a sec to just be happy about this one thing. Bump stocks should never have been legal in the first place, and it’s a step in the right direction. USA! USA!

– Bank Employee Calls Cops on Black Man Trying To Cash His Paycheck

Aaaaand we’re right back to being ‘Merica. That didn’t last long.

– Gun Rights Group To Sue Trump Administration About Bump Stock Ban

Well shit. We didn’t just ‘Merica. We FUCK-YEAH-‘MERICAed. He’s going to cave, isn’t he? *sigh*

– Montana Man: Hunter ‘Mistook Him For Bigfoot’ And Took Shots At Him

*facepalm* I can’t even.

– Trump Signs Order To Create U.S. Space Command

…so that we can go out into the nether regions of space and be aliens. He’s just got no concept of irony at all, does he?

– ‘A Toxic Place For Women’: Study Reveals Scale Of Abuse On Twitter

Yes. It’s also a toxic place for men. It’s also a toxic place for non-binary and trans people. Twitter. Is. Toxic.

– Groove X Releases Robot Designed To Show Affection To Humans

Nope. This is how our demise at the hands of robots starts. Nope the hell out of this idea now before it’s too late. #Don’tWannaBeAGodToComputerParts

– Trump Says Soldiers Who Died In Syria Fighting ISIS Support His Decision To Withdraw Forces

I mean, they can’t exactly refute him now, can they?

– Everything You Need To Know About 16-year-old Voice Winner

Do I, though? Do I really need to know?

– Hershey’s Kisses Are Suffering From Widespread Broken Tips and People Are Furious

If you’re one of the people getting pissed that your little chocolate is a bit flat on tip, shut off your computer and go play outside.

– Scientists: Giant Asteroid Likely Made Uranus Lopsided

Rude. FYI, it was donuts and chips. Getcher facts straight bitch.

– Corker Replies to Trump Tweet: ‘Alert The Daycare Staff’

And the clapback of the year goes to Senator Corker! Well deserved, bravo!

– Astronaut: Human Mission To Mars ‘Stupid’

Apparently going to another planet to investigate the possibilities of colonization, resource mining, easing the burden on the Earth, or creating a staging point for deep space exploration are endeavors that are “almost ridiculous,” said Bill Anders, the man whose claim to fame is literally just doing ten circles around a giant rock.

– What Was the First Christmas In Space Like?

And lo, a child was born unto Leia in the land of Polis Massa, for there was no room for them in the cantina…

– Shutdown ‘Complicated’ Repairs For National Christmas Tree

I can put up with the idea that thousands of government workers are temporarily without their jobs at the holidays. I can stomach the thought of people not being able to get the federal services they need. But when a dead fucking tree can’t be floofed in time for Christmas, that’s on a WHOLE new level. WE THE PEOPLE DEMAND A FLOOFED CHRISTMAS TREE!!! #EndTheShutdownAndFloofOurTree

– Santa Tracker Will Still Run Despite Government Shutdown

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TREE??!!

– Police Asking for Help Identifying A Burglar Disguised As Rudolph

It was Donder. Finally snapped because people keep getting his name wrong. Sad.

– Alfonso Ribeiro Sues ‘Fortnite’ Creator Over ‘Carlton’ Dance

…a dance he’s admitted to stealing in the first place, which was aired as part of a show that legally belongs to someone else. Good luck with that, Alf.

– Judge Sentences Deer Poacher To Watch ‘Bambi’ Repeatedly

Oh my god that’s so friggin’ stupid. He’s a hunter that kills and eats deer. He’s past the point where Bambi will do anything but give him hunting tips.

– Amputee Veteran Raises Million in GoFundMe campaign For Border Wall

Instead of raising millions for amputee veterans. Just sayin’.

– The Birds Were Moving Slowly And Passing Out. Now They’re Recovering From Overdose

To make a blue heron pun, or not to make a blue heron pun. That is the question…

– CEO Gives Every Employee Epic Holiday Gift

Is it in poor taste to send this article to my CEO? Asking for a friend.

– If You Diversify Your Funds, It Could Backfire This Year

It’s December 24th. There are only 7 days left of “this year” and you tell me not to diversify NOW? Great. GREAT. If I had this crucial tip in May, I wouldn’t have spent $14 on a shower curtain and $2 on a lint roller. I would have put all of it into the curtain, and now I’d be sitting on massive piles of cash. Thanks a lot, asshole. #CouldaBeenAMillionaire

– Alexa Told Users: ‘Kill Your Foster Parents’

YOU SEE? I warned you. I warned you and you didn’t listen and now instead of preparing our Christmas dinners, we have to stock our bunkers for the robot apocalypse. *opens drawer to start pulling out MREs and stuffing them into a sack*

Way to go.

Thus concludes a Muse for Monday, December Christmas Eve, 2018. I’m pretty sure I’ll post again in the morning, but it’s a loooong day for me today, and it’s me. Best laid plans and all. If I don’t get to send out holiday cheer over a coffee with you tomorrow, have a great Christmas or just a super fantastic December 25th!

Hookers and blow are just not my style…

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Mornin’ all.

Hang on a sec. I need to put on some music today. I’m thinking we go retro. A bit of rainy winter morning Depeche Mode to go with the coffee.

“Are we emo today, Bethie?”

Nah, I just got up in a funky mood. I had weird dreams last night and the vibe lingers. There are two types of weird dreams:

1. run-of-the-mill slightly odd dreams, where you wake up and say, “….huh. Okay, then.”

2. mental trip so far out there that you wake up in a cold sweat and google the symptoms of psychopathy just to make sure you’re not in the grips of a serious meltdown

Fortunately, mine were just the odd ball type. Don’t worry, guys. I haven’t cracked up entirely.

Yet.

You know what? I got through one and a half Depeche Modes, and I’m good. Depeche Mode is great in short bursts, but I don’t think I want to hang out with them all morning. I don’t have enough Aqua net and purple eye shadow to pull it off. Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole. That’s what today needs. Ukes over synthesizers to perk this morning up.

Can I have a midlife crisis?

I’ve been thinking about this recently because I read an article title that at first pissed me off but then became a reality check.

45 Year Old Out To Prove Middle Aged Women Can Still Be Desirable

My gut reaction was to let my inner sassy biotch out for a second to have her say. Oh *clap* no *clap* they *clap* did *clap* NOT. Of COURSE a woman can be desirable at ANY age you absolute condescending knob. And…middle aged? MIDDLE AGED? Ec-SCUSE me?! Since when is 45 “middle aged?” 45 is still young and vibrant and…

…and…

…half of 90…which would…be…

…oh.

While my sassy inner self is still riled up about the antiquated idea that women have a shelf life, she was put in her place a bit when it sank in that 45 is, indeed, middle aged. 45, which seemed so old to me only a handful of years ago. I’m not at the 45 mark, but I’m not that far off. Factor in the other things that go into determining longevity (or lack thereof) and I’m probably a good bit PAST the middle of my life.

I am quite thoroughly ensconced in my middle age.

“Uh oh. Are you listening to Depeche Mode still, Bethie? Because it sounds like we might be going from a funk to a depression.”

No, actually I’m bebopping to Modern English. Back to 80s, just peppy 80s.

I’m not depressed about it. I just guess I never thought of my age in terms of the overall lifespan. You don’t when you’re young, do you? When you’re 18, 20, 25, you never usually stop and work out the fractions. Life is life, and my life at those years was filled with many babies and the constant scramble to figure out how to feed them all with no money. There’s not much time for existential pondering.

I hit the milestone birthdays, and of course I took a second to consider a bit what they meant. Maybe I had a halfhearted day of realization here and there, but never a deep and actual understanding of the passage of time. It never really occurred to me that I was creeping up on the halfway mark.

I’m here. I’m probably past the halfway mark. And yet, I have not had a single midlife crisis. I’m really dropping the ball.

What kind of midlife crisis should I have?

Slick cars and loose women are too cliché. Besides, I don’t roll in either of those directions. I like my cars the way I like my men…old and loud.

Let’s see. What are some other classic midlife crises? Pierced ear and wardrobe change. Bleh. I have always hated the idea of repeatedly sticking a metal object into my body, and a wardrobe change sounds like a lot of work. I’d have to do research. And go to…malls *shudder*. I could get a new hair style I guess. What’s a hip hair style the kids sport these days? Whiffle cut?

I could start going to clubs.

“OMG, Bethie, if you do that you MUST Snapchat the entire experience.”

It was a joke. Calm down. I’m not going clubbing.

You look disappointed. Hm. Okay, here and now, I make you a promise. You’ve been a good friend to me. You deserve to be there for my life’s most awkward moments. I make you a solemn and sincere vow that if I ever go to a club, I will most definitely film the experience for your enjoyment, k?

None of the classic midlife breaks from the norm feel right. Most midlife crises happen because people are actually in crisis mode when they realize youth is slipping away. I’m not. I don’t want to recapture my youth. I HATED my youth. I didn’t like who I was as a youth, either. I MUCH prefer myself now at 40. Yes, aching knees and stiff hip and pressing-desire-to-get-a-glass-display-cabinet-like-all-grandmas-have and all. The whole package now is far more appealing to me than the hurting, lost, stressed, miserable 20 year old I was. Her knees were better, but that was about it. I even prefer my hair streaked with gray. I earned these grays. I faced shit and LIVED. Each gray hair that waves in the breeze is a flag of victory.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to take advantage of societal expectations to get away with something that would otherwise be considered unseemly. Why can’t I have a midlife crisis just because I’m not pining for the me of yesterday? Like the gray hair, I think I’ve earned it.

REO Speedwagon just came on!!! I haven’t dusted off this playlist in awhile and I forgot what was on here. “I believe it’s time for me to flyyyyyyyyy-aye-aye-eee-aye…” Fitting.

I don’t know, guys. I suppose I’ll just have to think about it some more. I have to decide soon, though, or else I’ll miss my midlife entirely and slip right into the “is it dementia or is she just eccentric” years, and I already have firm plans for those. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but there may or may not be a suped up power scooter, feather boa, and bedazzled ten gallon hat on tap for my 57th birthday.

Guess you’ll have to wait and see.

Thus concludes a bit of a ramble for Sunday, December 2, 2018. Maybe I’ll come up with a midlife crisis action plan while I’m doing housework. Anything to take my mind off the drudgery of *shudder* organizing The Pile.