Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the flat,
Half the creatures were stirring, if you count the cat.
The stockings were still sitting in a box on the table,
And I SAID I’d get to them as soon as I’m able!
The children were snoring, flopped over their beds,
While visions of video games flashed through their heads.
And Papa in his ragged bathrobe and I in my sweats,
Had just sipped the coffee we drank on a bet.
“Is this going to be the entire Muse, Bethie?
Hm. I don’t know. I’m kind of feeling like I’m committed at this point.
“You’re committed? Or you need to be committed? It’s an important distinction.”
When in the next room there arose such a clatter,
I looked up from my ‘puter to see what was the matter.
Away from the Windows I glanced in a flash,
Heard another great bang, then a BOOM then a CRASH!
The light from the space heater pouring over the room,
Showed the lackluster defeatism of a hoarder’s true doom.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little kitty with tinsel dragging from the rear!
“…*sigh*… This whole thing is to tell us your cat got into the Christmas decorations again?”
Shh. This is the best part.
With a squiffy wiffy face so cute and so furry,
I knew in a moment I was right to be worried.
More rapid than eagles her courses they came,
And I stomped and I frowned and I called her some names:
“You butthead, you ass hat, you fur-covered twit,
You jerk off, you nutcase, you feline-faced shit!
Get out of the box, get out of the tree,
Now dash away, DASH AWAY, let my Christmas crap BE!”
As naughty pets who get into the ‘nip go
Into a frenzy, destroying all shinies both to and both fro,
So up to the console top the kitty she flew
With a tail full of tinsel, and glitter, too!
And then in a scratching I heard on the wood,
The clawing and pawing of something not good.
As I drew in a sigh and was turning around,
Higher the kitty leapt with a bound.
She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her paws,
And the tinsel was in her whiskers, her tail, and her claws.
A clump of garland she had slung over her back,
And she looked like a thief who was ready to attack.
Her eyes- how they owled! The look was so wary!
Her ears- how they twitched! Her claws, how scary!
Her droll little teeth were bared just for show,
And the fluff on her belly was as white as the snow.
The end of the garland she held tight in her teeth,
And the silvery decor encircled her tail like a wreath!
She had a tiny face and a fuzzy wuzzy tummy
That made me want to pet it, like some unwitting dummy.
She was tiny and cute, a right naughty little elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself.
A twitch of her tail, and the wiggle of her butt,
Dared me to try and get my garland back without getting cut.
I spoke not a word and went straight to my work,
Trying to unravel the garland from ’round the fuzzy jerk.
And batting a paw upside my nose, and making me jump,
Straight UP into the air she rose!
She sprang from the console, darting right, darting left,
And took off with the garland, leaving me quite bereft.
But I heard her exclaim, as she dove out of sight,
“Wait. It’s over?”
I mean, how else would it end? She’s a cat. Cats don’t get the concept of rhyming.
“…*thunk of head on the desk*…”
I knew it would be a winner.
Thus concludes a New Holiday Classic for Friday, December 23, 2016. I can’t even begin to list everything I still have to do to get ready. If I try, I will break down in a puddle of tears. No one wants that. Instead, I will march through today pretending I’ve got it all under control. Now THAT’S how to be a mum right before a holiday!