I was legit gobbled at by a customer yesterday. An adult customer.

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Mornin’ all.

Guess what I’ve got thawing in the bathtub?

Now, if you guessed, “Medical cadaver,” then you’ve got some issues, my friend, and you need help.

It is, of course, a turkey. Just about done, too, thankfully. I just poked at it and it feels chilly but squishy. No doubt I’ll be chipping the damn giblet glacier out of the cavity to break the birdie down, but I think the meat is thawed. There was more than a fair chance it wouldn’t have been, and things would have gotten very interesting around Le Kitchen du Bethie this morning.

See, I went and bought a 28.3 lb turkey.

For six people.

“Bethie, why??”

I DON’T KNOW!!

I don’t really know, okay? I went to buy the turkey, and when I was standing at the coffin case…

*sidenote: to those who may not know, a refrigerated rolling display case, the kind that’s just a chilly box a grocery store stacks perishable items inside, is referred to as a coffin case. So I suppose, in a way, that IS a cadaver in my tub. Hm. I’m sorry about my earlier questioning of your mental processes. You were simply thinking ahead in the story. My bad.*

…looking at all the turkeys in 57¢/lb Land, doing the mental math to try and figure out how much I needed… Start at like 10 lbs, then add a half pound raw for every guest. I mean, I only needed like a 13-15 pounder. But folks, I was looking at those 13-15 pounders and they looked so small.

I have expounded in great length with lots of flowery eloquence waxing upon the Thanksgivings of my youth in previous Musings. They’re archived if you want to read about grandpas that encouraged tomfoolery and cousins that inspired diabolical snack-stealing plans. They were magical days and I hold them very dear. I also miss them terribly.

I’m in that place in life right now where my kids are growing, but not quite grown, where my adult sibs have moved to different parts of the country, where the older generation by and large have released their molecules back to the cosmos. It’s kind of a lonely era for holidays.

It won’t always be like that. Life is a cycle, the swing of a pendulum. In a few years, my kids will start having real lives, significant others, spouses, children. One by one I’ll have to set another place at the table and scramble to find another chair that doesn’t have a warped leg. And before I know it, it will be MY responsibility to run around the kitchen like a chicken with her head cut off at 4 a.m. scrambling to cram seasoned bread in the culinary cadaver because 13 guests will be arriving in only 7 hours and god DAMN I shouldn’t have had that wine last night…

My time for being the Thanksgiving ring leader will come, and my table WILL be full.

Maybe I was thinking, “Best not let ourselves get rusty, old gal,” when I was choosing my turkey. Maybe I was remembering the crowning jewel at my grandmother’s Thanksgiving table. Maybe I just didn’t want to come at this Thanksgiving with some Bob Cratchit scrawny ass pigeon. I don’t know. But as I stood there looking between a reasonable amount of food and the glorious 28.3 pound Leviathan, the choice became clear.

That leads me to a problem I should have considered before buying the giant: I can’t roast it.

Remember the epic Electrical Apocalypse of ’16? The harbinger of the shitstorm of a year to come that fried our stone age circuit box? Well, along with the computer and dryer, another casualty of the huge surge was the heating element of my oven. I didn’t want to fix it in winter, because it’s cold and I didn’t think it was a good idea to muck with gas lines in the cold, brittle weather. In spring, I started to look for the part. It quickly became apparent that it was not going to be an easy task, since the oven we have is no longer produced and there are mixed opinions on whether or not a universal part will even fit. I figured, “Eh, it’s only spring. I’ve got all summer.”

Stop laughing at me. It’s not very nice.

As we all learned with the story of the grasshopper, I done goofed. Here it is, November and chilly again, and I am looking at the same job I avoided in January.

So I’ve got no oven. I had a moment of regret as I was hoisting my turkey into the car, and I side-eyed the enormous bird in the passenger’s seat most of the way home. It wasn’t until I was watching Teen 2.0 lug the thing in that I actually came up with a game plan

game plan? Get it? Cuz it’s a turkey. *Thanksgiving pun fist bump*

I’m going to take the meat off the bone, grind up half of it to freeze, stuff and roll the other breast and thigh, and do them on the stove top, dutch oven style. I may even finish them off on the grill, if the weather cooperates.

Top tip: One bad idea can lead to several good ones if you’re a pro at working around your own poor impulse control.

I have today off. Some in the bakery do not. I don’t know if it’ll be busy today or dead in the store. I’m guessing the only customers they’ll have are the last minute panickers, because to me it seemed that every single man, woman, and child in the metropolitan area bought a pie yesterday.

The other bakery employees warned me. It’s the first major bakery-heavy holiday I’ve worked in the bakery, and my manager warned me it would be a zoo. She said, “Last year, we were handing out hot pumpkin pies right out of the oven because we could not keep up with demand.” It was one of those statements I thought was seasonal hyperbole.

No. As a first hand witness to the hundreds of pies being placed in carts and baskets, I can say without a doubt my boss wasn’t overstating the facts.

Pies. Pies and pies. If you lined up every pie we sold yesterday end to end it would stretch…well, pretty damn far, I’m guessing. Shit. I didn’t do out the math. It would be impressive, though, I promise you that. And really weird to see all those pies lined up.

Apple, in two sizes. Lattice apple. Mile high apple. Apple berry. Mixed berry, which is NOT the same as “very” berry. Blueberry, strawberry, raspberry, cherry. We had pumpkin, in two sizes, sweet potato, peach, mince…OH the mince. We broke many hearts over the past few days having mince be an available pie, but having them sold out as soon as they hit the floor. “Come back in about two hours and you can have a fresh one.”

“BUT I WANT IT NOW.”

Cream pies. Coconut custard pies, but not plain custard because it’s not 1842 and no one eats that bullshit except one very sad man who could not accept that we do not offer just plain custard pies. Pumpkin praline, pecan…

No matter how many pies we had, someone was always disappointed. I get it. On Thanksgiving, you don’t eat food. You eat nostalgia. You crave a taste of the foods your mother made you eat out of politeness because of everything that awful creamed squash represented. You want a whole wheat roll, not because you actually like them, but because your great Grammie used to make them hard enough to crack a plate if you didn’t set it down carefully and to this day they make you think of the inside jokes with your sisters. You buy olives to stick them on your fingers because you used to have a contest to see how long it would take your Mum to notice and hiss “You girls stop that and behave!” You serve mashed potatoes not because anyone actually wants mashed potatoes, but to use the scoop like a pool for gravy like your uncle pointed out when he confessed quietly that he didn’t want to eat his spuds, either.

You eat nostalgia. And you will go from store to store to find just the right item to satisfy that bittersweet craving. I felt very bad for every customer I had to disappoint.

We had a couple customers that tried my patience. There was a lady who tried to take another customer’s order yesterday. She straight up tried to pick up an order she didn’t place. First time this has ever happened to me. The woman came up to the counter and said, “Hi. I’ve got an order for a chocolate cream pie.”

I sold 7 chocolate cream pies in 2 hours yesterday. They are a hot commodity. To give you an idea of our normal volume, I probably sell one or two of them a WEEK. It is just a high demand item, and even though we made up three times as many as we normally would have, they were all sold out except for one I had set aside for a customer.

I asked the woman’s name. She gave me a different name than was on the order. I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have an order for you. When did you place it?”

She said, “I’m sure that’s mine. I was standing right here when the lady took the order.” When I reiterated that I didn’t have an order and asked when it was placed to see if there was a legit screw up afoot, she said, “You! That was it. I was in talking to you last night about it. You promised to set one aside for me. I’ll take the one you have.”

Now, this was straight up bullshit. That lady didn’t talk to me. In fact, that lady probably didn’t even come into the store. The order in my hand had been placed days in advance over the phone, and I wasn’t even at work when this hag said she was in.

But, I can’t just scream, “OUT YOU FILTHY LIAR!” Apparently it’s against company policy. *rolly eyes* Such PC bullshit. Unable to speak the truth in a corporate setting, I had no choice but to go with the nicey nice approach. “I’m sorry, but we have no more chocolate pies, and I don’t have an order for you. We have other kinds of cream pies, and many fruit pies if you’d like to choose one of them.”

And then she pulled the ace. I have to give her credit, I think she was a pro. She knew what she was doing and I wonder how many last minute pies she’s gotten with this scam. She grew artificially indignant and said, “Well I don’t know who you think you are, but I placed an order for a cream pie and YOU need to make this right!”

We don’t make our own cream pies. We get them in from the factory with shell and filling, then we just top them with fresh whipped cream (real whipped cream, not some fake ass spray can bullshit) and accoutrements like chocolate curls, toasted coconut, and cake crumbs.

We DO, however, have chocolate pie shells and chocolate pie filling we use in other recipes, and I said, “What I can do for you is make a different kind of cream pie.” I explained, and she looked stunned. I don’t know what she was expecting. Looking back, I wonder if she wanted something for free? Or a discount on the other groceries? Even in the moment, it was clear she did not actually want the pie.

Didn’t matter. She threw down the gauntlet and she was GOING to leave the store with a damn chocolate pie! I said, “I’ll just pop in the back and make you a pie. Give me five minutes and you’ll have one that’s better than the one you ordered.”

It was better, too. The shell was larger, with a chocolate bottom, and fresh filling, not frozen. I did up the pie, brought it out, and she starts to hem and haw. She said, “This isn’t like the other.” I said, “No, but it’s a superior product, and the very best we can do on such short notice without an order.”

Then, it happened.

The moment of clarity. She looked at me and she knew that I knew she didn’t actually order a pie. She knew she got bested. She stood there for a minute while I held the pie out to her and I think she actually tried to consider her options before finally taking the pie and saying, “Well. At least it’s something for the Thanksgiving table.”

I made some cute little turkey cupcakes to put in my top case. In the top case, we sell fresh items daily. What you see is what we have. A family wanted a dozen of the turkey cupcakes. I had four on display. I explained that we didn’t have any more, and they said, “Make them.” Not, “Oh, wow. Is there any way…” Or “I’m sorry to ask, but…” Nope. Just straight up, “Make them.” I said, “I’m sorry, that’s not how it works. Something like this would have to be ordered in advance.” Scoff. Glare. Storm off with the cart.

No skin off my nose. Bye, Felicia.

So there were a few that tried my patience. Most of the customers, though, were awesome. I made a new best customer friend. Awesome dude who was stressed out shopping with his elderly mother and needed a minute to vent when his mum was off looking at the breads. He came back the next day, thanked me, gave me a hug. I’m not going to lie. That was a great moment.

An old woman needed some help, and when I was helping her, she rubbed my arm and said, “Oh! You’re so soft!” And then rubbed me again. That was a confusing moment. I mean, what in the actual hell? Was she sizing me up to decide whether or not to lure me to her gingerbread house and shove me in an oven? Lesbian GILF run amok? I don’t know. But she was smiley and kind so…? I guess either way it was oddly flattering.

This elderly man came up to my counter, wild eyed. He said, “I was told I NEED a mince pie and this is the third store I’ve been to. Do you even know what the traffic is like out there? But there’s no way in hell I want to go home without a mince, so please tell me you have one.” I did. He bought two. He said, “Oh thank you, dear! Oh you just made my Thanksgiving so much better. No one even eats it, you know, but we’ve GOT to have it on the table.” He shook his head, then said, “But it makes her happy. And you have made ME happy, so I thank you.”

I know I don’t do anything personally. I’m not on the line at the factory working double time to make sure the warehouses of the US have enough pies for all the beautifully set tables. I don’t even do the baking off. But in that moment, I’m the person they thank.

I tell you what. That was a great way to start my holiday.

Thus concludes the Morning Gobble for Gobbleday, 2016. I need to go take the bird out of the bath so I can shower. You need to finish your coffee then start your own Thanksgiving prep. Thank you for keeping me company this morning. I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with future memories that’ll make you chuckle and laugh and feel the warmth of being in a time and place with those you love. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Feelin’ a little froggy for a fight this morning. You feelin’ lucky, punk?

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Mornin’ all.

Heads up…bad mood.

I didn’t sleep last night. I’m irritated and can’t shut the brain off. I gave up trying, and even though it’s my day off when I was supposed to be able to sleep in, I got up and found a mostly empty pot of coffee, a brand new roll of paper towels shredded to bits on the floor, and I stepped on a cold, squishy chunk of broccoli someone must have dropped last night and never picked up.

“The internet. I’ll get in a better mood if I just pop on the internet for awhile,” I said to myself.

Stop laughing. Stop it right now. I JUST said I didn’t sleep or have coffee yet. Of COURSE I was being a tad delusional! Sheesh.

So, I clicked on my local news site to check the weather, because that’s always a good place to start, and those fuckers decided to go with a new format for giving the weather report: emojis.

Weather. Emojis.

Because, you know, I’m not an ADULT or anything. I totally want to log on to see that this morning we’re having what looks like a skull with a barrette for a little while, then a…butt? Yeah, I mean, it’s either a butt or a peach, and how in the hell would a peach make any sense, amiright? We get a giant ass for awhile, until the ass starts taking a radiant dump around noon. Eventually the butt goes away and we get two suns until we watch “The Ass Returns: An Evening Dumping.”

Tomorrow we get a crying skull followed by an ass with a lightning bolt tramp stamp. Fun!

Why did they do this?

There was absolutely zero need to tell me the weather in kindergarten runes. Are people actually too stupid to click and read, “Rain tapering off through the morning, with sunny skies in the afternoon giving way to another rain storm?” WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?? STOP emojifying everything! I’m not a fucking five year old!

Sticking emojis in place of actual news on a legitimate news website is the literary equivalent of pumpkin spice.

“Bethie? You okay over there?”

*sigh* yeah. fine. *sigh* I warned you I was testy today.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nope.

I’m not good at talking. Er, I mean, talking about real shit. I’m good at babbling on and on about dumb things, but when it comes to personal feelings, door closed. I know that’s not always fair. I can’t help it. It’s not just a wall to others, it’s a wall for myself that I honestly can’t really seem to get over.

“Well that’s not healthy.”

No shit, Sherlock! Gee, maybe that’s why I’m a hoarder with other obsessive tendencies, anxiety, and low self esteem?

“You don’t have to get sarcastic.”

I do. It’s my coping mechanism.

“…I…I can’t even get mad now.”

Heh heh. I know, right? Thought that one was pretty good, actually.

Look, I got issues. I am well aware. Sometimes they are more in the forefront than usual, and that’s what’s going on right now. I plan to try and have some kind of emotional reset day…cleaning, sorting out my latest collection of greasy car bolts, maybe making a lamp… I’ll work it through like that. It just makes for a real shitty start to the day, especially when I should be looking forward to seeing a tramp stamp on a giant ass in the sky tomorrow.

There’s one thing that always puts me in a good mood, though. Or, at least provides an outlet for the pent up snark.

“Oh! I know! What an excellent idea!”

Cue the dancers, start the catchy theme music, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

For those who don’t know, sometimes news headlines are shit. Sometimes they’re poorly worded or misleading. Sometimes they’re plain stupid. And sometimes, they give me a funny mental image I must run to this here internet and share. I always present the headline to you in its natural form…I just photoshop some snark at the end. Everyone on the same page? Good. Let’s jump in.

– Rapper Behind the Song “Sell Drugz” Accused of Selling Drugs

Classic case of profiling, if you ask me. Where’s the justice.

– Preemies Treated to a Halloween Party

Why. I just need to know why.

– Election Workers Prepare for Voters to Head to Polls

BREAKING NEEEEWWWS!

– 13 Grizzly Bears Gather in Foothills

This sounds like some crazy apocalypse-harbinging to me.

– Tiny NICU Tots in Halloween Costumes

For real. I honestly do not understand why these babies who are fighting for their lives should be treated like dolls for the parents’ amusement. Savage AF.

– Domino’s Forces Pizza Guy Robbed at Gunpoint to Repay the Money Stolen From Him

*slow clap* New levels of corporate douchebaggery right here, folks. Bravo.

– Scientists Discover ‘Lake of Death’ At the Bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

Lake of…death?? NO!!! Not Bikini Bottom!!!

*fistbump to anyone brave enough to admit they know what I’m talking about*

– Woman Won $43M Jackpot, Offered Steak Dinner Instead

Seems fair. I mean, it was Angus beef.

– The Favorite Foods of Our Presidents

William Henry Harrison’s favorite was squirrel stew. You seemed like you needed to know that.

– Researchers Say This is Why Facebook Users Live Longer

Because 12 years is certainly enough time to make such a bold statement.

– Loch Ness Monster in Alaska?

What? Cryptozoological critters can’t have a little “me time” to recharge their batteries? Have fun on your vacay, Nessie!

– China’s New Stealth Jet Looks Suspiciously Familiar

Whoa. Are you accusing the Chinese of stealing a product and mass-manufacturing it as if it was their own design??

– Sen. Burr Once Helped Ease Export Controls Over Bomb-grade Uranium

Folks, Dem or Rep, one thing we ALL should agree on is the short list of shit we should never, ever export. The list is as follows:

1. Nuclear weapons.

2. The main component in nuclear weapon manufacturing.

3. Cheesecake Factory’s “Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.” That shit’s delicious and we need to keep it all for ourselves.

– Mysterious ‘Alaskan Ice Monster’ Surfaces in Bureau of Land Management Video

Aw hell, Nessie. I know what happens in Alaska is supposed to STAY in Alaska, but didn’t anyone ever tell you there are cameras everywhere in the US? I hope you’ve got some good PR people, because flashing your tits and shouting “Alba gu brath!” is on the internet now, and that shit’s NOT going away on its own.

– Alejandra, Age 7, is Facing A Judge Alone. Is That Due Process?

No, it isn’t, and it’s utterly disgusting. #get.your.shit.together.America.

– Elementary School Cancels Mock Election After Kids Repeat ‘Negative Rhetoric About Minorities’

THIS is the damage that all this smear campaigning does. #GET.YOUR.SHIT.TOGETHER.AMERICA

– Dem’s Attempt to Clone Dead Son Not An Issue in WVa Race

…I don’t even know where to go with this one. You stumped me, MSN. I tip my hat.

– Hillary Clinton Could Be Impeached if She Wins Election

Hm. Plot twist. That would make our pres Tim Kaine, a person who seems generally pretty boring and overall, middle of the road fine. I’m not going to lie. “Boring and fine” sound kind of nice right now, if I’m being honest…

– New Robot Toy Uses ‘Emotions’ To Interact With People

Oh HELL no. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

– Japan’s Factory of Robots Operates Up to One Month on its Own; Robots Make More Robots Without Human Aid

I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN. But would you listen? NOOOOO. You just HAD to have a cute wittwe wobot that would talk to you, didn’t you? *sigh* Everyone bow down to our new robot overlords.

– Uber Looks To Flying Cars As Next Big Shift

Don’t hold your breath, folks. We’ve been waiting for flying cars since the Jetsons.

– Astronomers Find Hints of Planet Nine

We already HAD a ninth planet. #LongLivePluto #NeverForget #TearsForPluto

– Hard Crash-landing May Have Wrecked Europe’s Mars Probe

Did you know that crashes cause things to be wrecked? Wowie, aren’t scientific discoveries amazing??

– When Pranking Goes Wrong

Always. It ALWAYS goes wrong. No one likes pranks. No one likes people who pull them. Don’t be that guy, okay?

– Baby Rhino Shows Off Belly While Taking Bath

Whore.

– He Spent $9M on License Plate

And I needed to pay in quarters and dimes to buy a gallon of milk last week. WHY DO MORONS HAVE ALL THE MONEY??? #forREALtho

– Canada’s Positivity Police

Piss off already, eh.

– Can Trump Turn Iowa Red?

Tell a bawdy joke and we’ll find out.

– ‘Pussy Project’ Women Speak Out Against Trump

*smh* I’m sorry, but I just can’t take ‘Pussy Project’ seriously. I just can’t.

– Believe it or Not, This is Earth

HOLD THE PHONE. This isn’t Mars?

– Huma Abedin Is Lying Low

I think they tacked on an extra word at the end there…

– World Series: Can the Cubs Force Game 7?

Can Bethie Care Any Less?

– Man Commutes to Work in Manhattan By Kayak

Hipsters, you have your new Master.

– New Hampshire: Tiny But Important in 2016

“In 2016?” Just in 2016???

Get it straight: 603’s ALWAYS important.

Thus concludes a grouchy Roundup for Wednesday, November 2, 2016. Clocks back this weekend, country *hopefully* back next week. Really looking forward to the election being over. Then we can stop fighting on FB and get back to looking at cats on the internet, as nature intended.