It’s been ages, and my typin’ fingers have been itchy for a workout. I’m struggling to get back into the work-during-school-year routine. It always feels like I’m rush rush rushing, with no time for chatting it up with pals.
…okay, that’s a bit of a cop out. I mean, I totally could have written something on my days off. But there was laundry to catch up on. Piles of it. Intimidating peaks and tors of sweaty socks and crusty drawers. Dishes and empty soda cans stacked on desks. Graffiti on the walls. A group of hobos were roosting under the dining room table. Don’t know when they arrived. There was too much recycling piled up making them a cozy hobo nook. If I hadn’t caught it when I did, they would have hibernated there all winter. And do you even know how little the dwarfs will do to keep a bathroom in order when Snow White has to be away decorating cakes?
Wait. Can I say that?
I’m not trying to offend. I’m simply referencing a childrens’ story.
“Yeah, Bethie, but you picked one about seven men who were born with a congenital disorder that’s made them societal pariahs who use the naivete of an innocent abused runaway to essentially trap her in a different type of abusive household where she is suddenly solely responsible for the health, welfare, and cleanliness of seven grown ass men until a MILF roofies her, a prince gets a little rape-y, and she wakes up to find herself in a newly gilded cage surrounded by fame and paparazzi and pressure she never asked for…”
It’s a DISNEY movie! Surely I can reference a little kid movie without pissing off the internet, right?
“Have ya ever actually seen the internet?”
Fair enough. Not Snow White. Let’s air on the side of caution and say my days “off” have felt more Cinderella-ish.
“Oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Cinderella, Bethie!”
*hands up* OKAY!! I give up! No child movie references. Sheesh.
I was just meant that these days, I’m busier than a one-handed paper hanger.
I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?
Busier than a bee!
“Dude, not cool. You KNOW how upset I am over the declining population numbers of bees.”
GODDAMN YOU’RE TOUCHY! I’m a writer. I’m just trying to inject a little personality into the piece instead of saying “Sorry, was busy. Thnx.”
“Bethie, are you shaming the millennials with your use of text instead of proper wording?”
Oh piss off!! *sigh of exasperation*
So as I was saying, it’s been busy at the bakery. It should be the calm before the impending holiday storm, and would have been if our bagel maker hadn’t gone on a fateful test drive of a new motorcycle. She’s okay in the sense that she’s alive and overall well, but she wrecked the bike and her arm in one go. Here’s an industry insider pro tip: You cannot make bagels when you have a torn shoulder and a shattered elbow. Shhh…don’t let my competition know!
And this happened right after we finally got our manager back. You remember her…she’s the one that fell and broke her pelvis.
There’s an ominous feeling among those of us who have yet to be injured in the bakery, and the hubbub is that we’re cursed. I don’t like that kind of talk, mostly because I have NOT been injured yet and wish to keep it that way. I’m going to keep saying that curses are hogwash while I don my bubble wrap suit. Never hurts to hedge a bit, does it?
I was looking at the news today, and you know what I decided? It sucks balls. There is a lot of doom and gloom in the headlines, folks. And since we are members of the same wet rock, it’s good to know what’s happening. It’s not like we can, or even should, avoid learning about our world, no matter how shitty the news of the day might be.
But, I think we can also take a break from the naysayers for awhile and find things to laugh about, don’t you? Because no matter how shitty and bleak it seems, the coin always has another side. Sometimes it’s really good to flip it over and chuckle. My long time readers know what that means.
Cue the band and signal the dancers, because it’s time for a…
* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *
That’s right, it’s a roundup. And why the hell not? I think we fully deserve one after dealing with the muck and yuck going on right now.
For those who don’t know, sometimes the internet news sites have headlines that are poorly worded. Sometimes they’re worded fine, but still dumb. Usually, though, they just give me a mental image I must share. I scour these sites and bring you the upper echelon of ridiculousness. As always, I present the headlines to you in their 100% natural form. I just add the snark.
Shall we begin?
– Woman Has Baby With Mother’s Womb; It’s ‘Science Fiction’
I’m going to have to disagree with the classification. I’d definitely put that in the ‘soap opera’ genre.
– America’s Most Endangered Historical Places
At first I scoffed, then I actually took the time to read the article. Dude, did you know there’s only ONE Gettysburg left? Deforestation and urban sprawl have eradicated the other four score and nineteen of them. Sign the petition at change.org today to fund rehabilitation efforts before the same thing happens to the 23 Mt. Rushmores.
– Jamie Foxx Blasted By Chess Champion Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelean President
I cannot think of a more random and unexpected headline. Why is a chess player coming out of the blue to blast a US actor about his stance on Venezuelean politics?? I love this so much.
– 80’s Pop Stars Then and Now
I clicked. *sniff* I clicked and now the memories of all the teen dream posters of my youth have been tainted by beer guts and bald spots. Screw you, MSN. *sniff*
– Barely Half of Illegal Border Crossers Caught
…you guess maybe, you think. If they got by you, you didn’t know it, right? So how can you possibly know how many you didn’t actually know about? I hate baiting articles like that that just muck up the issue.
– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew
What the actual fuck. “Hurricane Truthers?” WHAT? Is this a thing? SERIOUSLY??!!!
– Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew
My gawd it IS a thing. These assholes are actually claiming that the pictures of the damage in Haiti are staged. That hundreds of people didn’t really die. That it’s all a government conspiracy to support the concept of global warming.
-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew
One of the reasons listed is because the government controls the satellites that are giving info on the storm. Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Dude, no one’s stopping you from launching your own satellite. Chop chop. What are you waiting for?
-Conservative Hurricane Truthers Downplay Danger of Matthew
Like, I’m not even joking. I’m ANGRY now. Those irresponsible, dumb sons of…
“Remember what this is supposed to be about, Bethie. A break from all the doom and gloom and idiocy.”
*deep breath* *grumble*
“Come on. You can do it.”
You’re right. *calming mantra* *long sigh* Thanks. I’m better now.
– Two Hawkish Anti-immigration Groups Say Consulted By Trump
I was going to pick on the headline for being a travesty to grammar and common sense, but since the subject matter is Trump, the bungled mess seems oddly apropos.
– Damaged NJ Transit Train Removed from Station After Crash
They say that like there was ever anything else they were considering doing with a wrecked train. Now I have questions…
– Matthew Could Hit Florida Twice
LIES!! #chemtrails #newworldorder #harambewasaninsidejob;literally
– CEO of Backpage, Called ‘World’s Top Online Brothel’, Arrested on Pimping Charges
You mean the madam of a brothel could be considered a pimp? That seems like a stretch to me.
– Andrew Bieszard Claims God Sent Hurricane Matthew to Stop Orlando Pride
JUST HOW FAR UP DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO?!? #alltheway #secondamendment #flatearth
– Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly Skilled Forger in Arts Market
Or maybe… Fake 8.4million Pound Painting Signals Highly UNskilled Appraisers in Art Market
– Hurricane Nicole A Little Stronger, Slows Down
Whoa. Nicole? Who’s this Nicole bitch? WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW?? As soon as a little scrutiny is applied, they change tactics. #wakeupsheeple #area51 #molemenarereal
– Robert De Niro on Trump: I’d Like to Punch Him in the Face
Bethie on Robert De Niro: I’d Like to See Him Punch Trump in the Face
– What Happened to North Carolina?
Shit, I don’t know. I thought it was tossed on the foyer table? Everyone start checking under the couch cushions. I’m going to look in the jeans Uncle Sam was wearing last night. Let’s hope it didn’t go through the wash!
– Wet and Wild: New Jersey Teens Travel 1000 Miles for Matthew
– Vegan Mom Faces Charges for Feeding Tot Only Fruit and Nuts
This one is interesting. Makes you wonder when the other side of the debate will hit and parents who only feed their kids junk food will be charged. I’m in no way pro vegan. I embrace the fact that I am designed to be omnivorous and love me some charred animal flesh. But, I’m also in no way pro junk food diet. It’ll be interesting to see how far this goes and what the result will lead to.
“Bethie? I thought we were making jokes, not social commentary?”
– Leaked Video Shows Donald Trump Making Lewd Comments About Women
If this news legitimately surprised you, then step right up, because I’ve got this fantastic bridge I’d like to sell you!
– Should Retailers Close for Thanksgiving?
Gee, let me think about that one. *rolly eyes*
– Curiosity Self-Portrait And Other Incredible Space Photos
Our robots take selfies. If this doesn’t prove that we’ve taken artificial intelligence too far, I don’t know what does.
– Feds Investigating Smoking Samsung Phone that Forced Plane Evacuation
Smoking on a plane? Oooh, Samsung such a badass.
– Saturday is ‘Observe the Moon Night’
I guess I didn’t get the memo because I showed up early to that party last night. Oops. Don’t I feel foolish.
– UK’s Chatty Fish to Be Recorded
“Put the batter down! I’ll talk! Please, for the love of god…I have a wife and sixty three children, mate!”
– Bees Taught to Pull String for Reward, Then Teach Other Bees
These experiments are more of a sociological study than anything else. Someone sat there looking at a bee and thought, “Say, I wonder if I could make this bee pull a string?” I’m personally very glad that dude is in a lab and not mixing in the general population. Really think about it. There is nothing at all in a bee’s normal course of life that would make a sane person believe it could pull a string. Wtf.
– Norway’s PM Caught Playing Pokemon Go In Parliament
– Creepy Clown Sightings Are a Nightmare for the World Clown Association
Holy shit, guys. They’ve got an association. They’re organized now. THIS is how society will end!
– Do Fish Flirt In Regional Accents?
SEE? Scientists are weirdos.
– Artist Recreates Childhood Toys Entirely Out of Clay
…why? I mean, just get the toys. You can find them on ebay. And you’re not breaking any copyright laws to do it.
– Body Positivity Has Hit the Mainstream. Now What?
Now we move on and actually start thinking about things that matter.
– Is Spencer Prat the Atest and Reatest Food Star to Emerge on YouTube?
What? Are you having a stroke, USA Today?
– Dad Pays $39 to Hold Baby After Birth
It’s almost as if there’s no oversight in our hospital system so they feel they can get away with taking advantage of people during an emotionally unstable period in their life or something. Huh.
– How to Eat Like A Nomad
…okay, I’m intrigued. I tried not to be, but come on! Admit it…you now have questions, too.
– ‘Honor Killings’ Outlawed, Even if Family Approves
It’s 2016 and this is an actual thing that JUST happened. Let that sink in for awhile. Holy. Shit.
– Did Fox Reporter Go Too Far?
Isn’t that pretty much a job requirement at Fox?
– Hurricane Matthew Threatening Some of South’s Most Storied Cities
Oh. My. Gawd. I just figured it out. Follow me on this. We know that our national landmarks are becoming endangered, right? Some of these landmarks are in the middle of cities. Have you ever wondered why? Hm. Maybe because someone is trying to take your focus away from the landmarks by building up a bustling city around them, aka govenrmentally constructed distractions. Ask yourself this: What are they trying to hide? What’s behind the smoke and mirrors of streets and buildings? They clearly don’t want you to find out, because as soon as it became obvious that those of us who want to know wouldn’t let the neon lights of civilization blind us to the truth, they engineered a “hurricane”- aka secret military swat team that will go in after the sheeple have evacuated and create “storm damage”- to wipe out these “historical places.” Follow the breadcrumbs, people. It all makes sense.
Thus concludes a Roundup for Saturday, October 8, 2016. Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that I was making the icing roses improperly, and that she would know because she has made “real cakes” her whole life. Folks, it took every ounce of personal restraint I had not to end up in this here Roundup with a headline like: The Customer May Not Always Be Right: Local Cake Decorator Shoves ‘Real’ Icing Rose Up Rude Customer’s Nose.
The weekend is just getting started. Check headlines on Monday. You never know.