Time to wrangle the world for a bit

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Mornin’ all.

Has coffee ever just stopped working for you?

It seems like the past couple weeks, my morning Joe does nothing for my pep and vigor. I tried making it even stronger to no avail. I mean, I still had the shakes and twitches, and the alarming sizzle coming from my belly made me tone it back down. But, it didn’t wake me up. No zip. No pop. My nap in a cup seems to be malfunctioning.

What if this is permanent? What if I can’t ever get a buzz from coffee again?!

“*gasp*!”

I KNOW RIGHT!? It’s a terrifying prospect. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary hiccup. I would hate to have to try…tea. *shudder*

Let’s talk about something else. I can’t take the thought of “pinkies up” being my only wake-up option!

I know it’s only technically been a few days, but how’s your summer so far?

Ours has started off with bizarre weather. There’s an old saying about New England: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes. This year, that saying rings particularly true. We went from 92 degrees to 60 and windy as hell, to 70 with a low of 42, then up to 85 again…all in the span of a couple days. I don’t know if the meteorological roller coaster is supposed to continue through the entire summer, but it’s making planning outdoorsy type stuff difficult.

We had a hot day this week where the wind calmed to a dull gale, so I took my kiddies to the town beach.

I don’t know how things operate in other parts of the country, but here, if a town has a lake within their borders, and they see fit to clear enough trees to make a parking area, then they’ve got themselves a town beach. Residents of the town can use the beach for a fee, and the fee varies. Some places make you buy a town beach sticker. Some just ask you to show your car registration upon entry.

Here, a dump sticker is the golden ticket to get to swim in the lake. If you’ve paid your yearly dues for the privilege of handing your refuse over to the underpaid staff of the uppity dump, then step right up and have unfettered access to a natural wonder!

…wellll…not exactly unfettered. To get to our beach, you have to walk down two flights of concrete stairs. To keep erosion at bay, the town also installed concrete walls. Huge, gray, concrete walls. The entire beach is surrounded by concrete. It’s like Nature’s prison cell. With umbrellas.

Once you get down to the sand, you’ll discover that the beach is only about a hundred feet long or so. And the “swim area” goes out maybe thirty feet into the lake.

Now, I’m assuming that you’re picking up my tone with this and get the fact that I think putting such restrictions on nature is utterly absurd. I think there should be open points of access to the lake for all people to enjoy, free from looming concrete walls and a thirty-foot-from-the-shore swim limit. But, at the end of the day, that’s how the town plays it, and my kids wanted to swim. And hey…it’s still better than a pool.

So I took them to swim and frolic in an eerily confined manner.

Because the beach is surrounded by gigantic concrete walls, it’s an echo chamber. I don’t think the mom club that was there that day realized that every little whisper can be heard anywhere within the Bellyflop Dome.

This is a small town. While it’s true that means I know far more about my neighbors on average than I probably should, I really, REALLY didn’t need to hear about the bikini-Mom’s episiotomy stitch failure because of an over-anxious husband after she had her last baby. Coulda done without that knowledge.

Ah well. The kids had some fun. I got some sun. And bikini-Mom got to soothe her aching bits in the water. Wins all around.

Talking to you is helping to wake me up far better than Traitor Joe’s been doing these days. Let’s keep it up. In fact, let’s KICK it up. You know what I’m talking about. I think we all could use a little…

*catchy theme music* *go go dancers can-can on stage*

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

Wowie! What a routine! Brava, ladies! I feel more invigorated already.

Yep, another Roundup. I know I’ve been doing them with more regularity these days. Of course I am. The world has gone completely bonkers, and it’s either poke fun or cry. I choose option A.

For any newbs here, we have ourselves a Roundup when we read news headlines we simply cannot ignore. I scour the sticky fibers of internet news sites and bring you the headlines that pop out at me. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, sometimes they’re confusing. But mostly, they just put an image in my head I can’t resist sharing. As always, these headlines are 100% real. I just supply a side of snark.

– Brexit Vote Shocks World Leaders

I had to. It’s THE news story of the week. Somehow the UK voted to leave the EU, in spite of the fact that no intelligent person supported the exit.

– Trump Touts ‘Brexit’ as Triumph

See? SEE?! If Donald Trump likes your idea, IT’S A BAD IDEA.

– Economy Takes Major Hit With Brexit News

Of course it did. This is exactly what they knew would happen. They were warned by every expert that this would happen and would continue to snowball. Only an idiot can take the warnings of the experts and completely ignore them.

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

Y’all, naw. Didn’t you JUST hear what happened with the UK? And their economy? And the upheaval it’s causing?

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

But if you do this, life will not suddenly be rainbows and unicorns. It will be the exact opposite. You’ll…

– Fueled By ‘Brexit’, Texans Lobby for ‘Texit’

*sigh* Fine, then. Bye Felicia.

– Marijuana Use Rises in Iran, With Little Interference

Is pot smoking really Iran’s biggest problem? Really?

– Styled for Survival: This Company Makes Bulletproof Fashionable

I can’t. I just can’t even with this shit today.

– Jack Daniel’s Embraces a Hidden Ingredient: Help From A Slave

And judging by the comments after the article, it’s certainly going to be tough to swallow for many in Jack Daniel’s demographic.

…and yes, pun ALWAYS intended.

– Inside US Scientists’ Test to Grow Potatoes on Mars

Matt Damon already proved you can do that. Pfft. Have a little originality, NASA.

– Who Would Fake a Tragedy on Facebook Just to Get Sympathy and Attention?

The same people who make shit up in real life. Are we surprised that people who are asswads in real life don’t hesitate to take their asswaddery to social media??

– Mother Pens Open Letter When Her Son With Down’s Syndrome Didn’t Get Invited to Birthday Party

…I’m not sayin’ this necessarily goes with the previous article, but…

– Browser the Cat Loses Texas Library Mascot Gig Over Puppy Spat With City Council

Okay, I’m totally turned around on the Texit. Let me help you pack your bags, Texas.

– Gun Advocate Shoots and Kills 2 Daughters Before Being Killed by Police Herself

The cops actually shot a white suburban female criminal. #truefeminism #equality

– Dalai Lama, Lady Gaga Urge Kindness in Indy

Can’t read my, can’t read my citta-matraaaa….

– Survey: Older Drivers Want Car Tech to Stay Behind the Wheel

You’re trying to tell me older folks are resistant to newfangled gizmos? Hogwash and balderdash!

– Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

Top headline in the No Shit Gazette today.

– Tenn. Couple in Same-Sex Ruling Quietly Celebrates

…with full press coverage. Just a small affair with millions of their closest friends.

– In Maine, Sustainability Showdown Scraps Seaweed Shindig

As a non-Maine New Englander, it’s kind of my obligation to skewer them. But you know what? They’re still reeling from the loss of their seaweed hootenanny. They have so little up there as it is, and the disappointment must be intense. Let’s not kick them when they’re down.

– Boston Bombing Survivors Visit Pulse Shooting Victims

Most awkward one-upmanship contest ever.

– Most Iconic Restaurants in All 50 States

They claim it’s the Portsmouth Brewery for NH. Bitch please. Everyone knows it’s Newick’s. *603 fistbump*

– Drones Take a Big Step Toward the Mainstream

NO. #fighttherobotuprising #no-verlord.com

– Pastor Battles Colorado City Over Jesus-related Ads on Bus Benches

…da faq is a Jesus-related ad? “WWJD? Jesus would pick up the phone right now and take advantage of this offer for insane savings…”

*author’s note: For the record, I could have made that so, SO much worse. If that made you mad, just know that if I had gone with my initial quip, you’d be punching your computer screen in rage. I saved your electronics. I’ve got your back.*

– The Dirty Secret of Airbnb is That It’s Really, Really White

Look. Lay out the basic idea for Airbnb in straight facts: It’s a business that allows people to go on vacations they can’t really afford (because Betty’s family took one and goddamn if they’ll let that strumpet show them up) by offering them the ability to stay at a complete stranger’s house (because for some unfathomable reason there’s an innate trust in those who ALSO want to take vacations THEY can’t afford)… I don’t know if there has ever been a more white business plan in the last decade. Is it right? No. But is this a secret to anyone? It really, really shouldn’t be.

– Clinton: Cities Are Where Things Are ‘Getting Done’

Wow. Glad she’s got a deep, meaningful insight to our nation’s economy.

*oops, got a little too much sarcasm on your screen. Lemme just squeegee that off for ya…*

– Mobster ‘Whitey Bulger’ Auction Raises Over $100,000

$100,000!? Who ARE these people that buy this shit!? Who says, “Holy cow, Eunice! Whitey Bulger’s humidor is up for sale! Think of how many blood splatters it’s got! I MUST OWN THIS.” ??!?! Sick fucks, that’s who. #pleaseletthemallmovetoTexasbeforeTexit

– How to in 60 Seconds Make-up

…huh? Like, after a fight? Cosmetic make-up? Imagination churning? Any clue at all would be helpful.

– ‘Regretting Motherhood’ Debate Rages in Germany

I don’t understand the debate here. “I regret becoming eine mutter.” “NEIN.” “But…” “I SAID NEIN.”

– An Animated Video Shows Why China is Right- And the US Is Wrong- In the South China Sea

*gasp* Animated!? Well then it MUST be true.

– Partying in Lebanon Means Shooting Guns in the Air- Even Though it Kills People

Ain’t no party like a Lebanese party cuz a Lebanese party only stops for the people who get killed. Woot woot.

– White Nationalists, Protesters Clash in California; 10 Hurt

I don’t even feel bad for hoping that the injured were all on the Klan side.

– David Bowie’s Hair Might Fetch More Than $4,000

Oooh, we have ourselves a philosophical conundrum this morning. What’s creepier: buying Whitey Bulger merch, or getting giddy over the prospect of holding a dead dude’s hair? *strokes beard in contemplation*

– The New World’s Fastest Supercomputer is All Chinese

Duh. MY computer is all Chinese. So is my phone, my tv, my tablet… The only thing NOT Chinese about any of this shit is the company name stamped on the outside. We cannot have the Chinese make our shit for 30 years and then be surprised that they picked up some tips along the way. #fact.

– Before the Robots Rise Up, They’ll Be Making Your Next Pizza

Aw shit. I always thought the chef at the pizza place down the way seemed a little distant and not quite right. The question is, is he an android himself, or just an unwitting tool of the impending digital apocalypse? #poorPaco

– New Device Could Help Bike Riders Catch Cars That Drive Too Close

“Okay, I got it. What we do is get a big net…you with me so far?”

– Apple Files Patent to Make it Easier to Use iPhone One-handed

Say it with me: NOBODY CARES.

– Isn’t She Lovely? Meet SweePee Rambo, This Year’s ‘World’s Ugliest Dog’

Um, I think you just answered your own question there.

– Couple Call Police And Report Their Pet Cat is ‘Holding Them Hostage’

Don’t laugh. The struggle is real. #catsaredicks #fluffywuffydicks

– Orthodox Chiefs Warn Over Middle East, Science Dangers

Wow. It’s CUH-RAZY that in this day and age, the Middle Eastern nations are still having conflicts between religion and science. If everyone shunned science, we’d still think the earth was flat! What a backwards, barbaric society.

Kentucky’s Ark Defies Science but Evokes a Version of Christianity

… … … …

…yeah. Seems like a good place to leave it for the day…

 

Thus concludes a Roundup for Monday, June 27, 2016. I’ve got to crack into another set of window motors in the man’s car today. I don’t know how many it’ll take before I’m an expert in these old w123 windows, but I gotta be getting close at this point. Which is cool. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something. It would be more useful to be an expert in almost anything else. But, if it has to be 32 year old MB diesel window motors, I guess I’ll take it.

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