I hope I have enough tissues today…

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Mornin’ all.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am completely and totally procrastinating. I have a list a mile long of tasks that must be finished, and, even in the best of scenarios, won’t. Me chatting it up on the internet is not helping anything whatsoever.

There. I think that’s what they mean when they say “own it.” I’m fucking up, I KNOW I’m fucking up, I plan to continue to fuck up…but I’m “owning it.” What’s the penance for this situation? Like three limericks, one hippocratic oath, and the last stanza from Stairway to Heaven? Will that be enough to guarantee my absolution?

See, this is going to be one busy ass weekend for us here at the house of insanity. Today, Teen Prime graduates high school *sniff*. Concurrently, my mother in law’s train arrives at a station about an hour and a half away. I work today, work extra early tomorrow. My dining room/workshop is one hot mess because of the transmission job, and the mutha effin’ dryer broke. AGAIN. Sunday we’re throwing a graduation cookout. I still haven’t bought his gift. At some point I need to make it to a store about half an hour away to get bulk bug spray because my youngest is a tick magnet and that shit’s expensive if you just buy the little cans, and I need to figure out when I’m going to make “a graduation cake, but instead of cake, make it peanut butter cookies stacked to LOOK like a cake.” Because that would be “sick.”

“Oh, Bethie. You should probably go.”

I know, right? And yet here I am.

I’ve just got too much energy at the moment to focus. I’m looking at a huge list of things that must be done, and yet my mind is all spinny. I figured I’d pop on here and collect my thoughts.

Have some coffee. Since the MIL is on her way, we sprung for the stuff that doesn’t come with a hazmat warning label. *sip* Come on. Don’t be shy. *slurp*

…*sigh* I didn’t make it.

“In that case…” *pours coffee*

I can’t believe my baby is graduating. I can’t believe I’m old enough to have a baby that’s graduating.

When he was little, he was very little. He was way shorter than the average kid, and didn’t start catching up in height until 8th grade. He started kindergarten about the height of a 3 year old. The first week of kindergarten, I walked him into his school playground every morning. On the second or third day, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. An older and much bigger boy started laughing at him.

“Did you just kiss your mommy?” the boy sneered. He was one of those picture book nasties. Blond, expensive clothes, horde of cohorts at his elbows hoping some of the “cool” would trickle off him. I was about to tell Kindergartener Prime not to listen, or spout some other useless parenting advice, when he handled it way better than I ever could have.

My tiny little peanut put his fists on his hips, squared his shoulders and said, “Of course I kissed my mom! What’s the matter with you? Don’t you kiss YOUR mother?”

You know what? He has come a long way since that day on the playground. And in some ways, he’s still that same guy.

Gah. *waves hands in front of eyes* Now I’m misty. Why’d you get me talking about this? *sniff*

Enough with emotions. I’mma have a lot of those later, and I still have to work. I am an ugly crier, one of those horror shows who looks like she’s just eaten shellfish when she knows damn well she’s not supposed to touch it but just can’t help it when Lobsterfest comes around. My eyes puff. My face in general puffs. My nose does a spot-on Rudolph impression and then I get so stuffy that everything comes out sounding like I’m under water. And I hiccup. And my breath hitches…for HOURS.

It ain’t pretty.

Let’s get our heads in a different space. Namaste and all that shit. I think for today’s palate cleanser, we should fall back on Old Reliable. Hey, band? Take a break from practicing Pomp and Circumstance, call the go-go dancers to the stage, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! * * *

Yep! An old fashioned roundup! What better way to reset the mood and get us jazzed for a difficult day? For any new folks dropping by, a Roundup happens when I’m looking through the old internets and I see headlines that are poorly worded, badly phrased, intriguing, or just plain stupid. Basically, if I have a reaction to them, I share. I do it all for you. As always, the headlines are bona fide. I just add some smartassery.

Shall we begin?

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I suppose that’s the natural evolution of the robot uprising we all knew was coming.

– ‘The Situation is Serious’: Justin Bieber’s Team Fears He May Be Heading for a ‘Breakdown’

K.

– Owl Hugs Man Who Saved Her

They’re now besties on FB, too.

*author’s note: I had seven puns I could have put here. I took the high road seven times for you. I just felt you should know that.*

– Mom Writes Letter to Doctor

False. The mom wrote an open letter to social media because she was starved for attention. If she had written a letter to her doctor, we never would have known about it. Can we start bitch-slapping these people yet? Isn’t there a bill before Congress to make that legal? Isn’t that why I pay taxes??

– Links are Seen Between Brain Damage and PTSD

*record screech* WUT. I’m so floored by this I can barely pull myself together to type.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Sorry, but I can’t shake this one. While I am staunchly opposed to the robot uprising, I must say it might not be a terrible idea for teens to lose their virginity to a completely safe, clean, non judgmental robot. Think about your first. Wouldn’t it have gone a lot smoother without the awkwardness and crying? Just sayin’.

– Curry’s New Shoes Get Heavily Mocked

NBA dude released a new sneaker that looks like it’s made for an 80 year old with plantar fasciitis. What did he really expect?

– Movie Review: Warcraft

Don’t. Just…don’t. And I’m saying that as a gamer who would LOVE it if Hollywood could somehow actually gather the magic of a video game and translate it to a movie. Warcraft is too personal, too expansive, too everything to make into one little movie. If you love Warcraft, you WILL hate this film because it cannot possibly be an accurate representation of your personal Warcraft experience. #justsayno

– ‘We’re Horrified’: Stanford Shaken By Sexual Assault

THE HELL YOU ARE. Oh. OH this makes me SO mad!!! A sexual assault is reported at Stanford an average of once every two weeks. For YEARS. And it’s been largely ignored, once every two weeks, for YEARS. But NOW? Now, after how many students have been victims, NOW you care? Let’s keep it real, Stanford. You don’t care about the impact your collegiate rape culture has on victims. You care about the impact this negative press is having on your wallet. FUCK. STANFORD.

*deep breath*

– Retirement Planning Mistakes You’re Making

Silly article acting like my Powerball plan might not be the best idea. Quit playin’. You know that shit’s solid.

– Manziel Served Lawsuit Papers While Partying

Talk about a buzzkill!

– Calif. Gun Owners Vow to Fight Concealed Weapons Ruling

Of course they do.

– House Passes Puerto Rico Relief Bill As Debt Payment Looms

Okay, fair enough. My tax dollars are probably better spent on things like this. I guess I’ll lobby for the right to bitch-slap attention whores on a local level.

– Death in Boiling Hot Spring Shows Challenges Rangers Face

Uh…I’m not trying to be insensitive or anything, but is it really a “challenge” to not go swimming in the boiling hot spring?

– Times Square Performers to be Limited to Painted Areas

It’s not going to be that hard for the performers to know the limits. Just look for the mimes pressing their faces against the invisible wall.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

Zero chance of pregnancy. No pacing the living room at 12:14 wondering if you should start calling the ERs and jails…

– 500 Year Old Shipwreck Filled With Gold Coins Found in Namibian Desert

It’s always difficult to pinpoint what went wrong in these old wrecks, but I’m thinking the fact that they navigated into a desert might have a little something to do with it.

“Uh, Bethie?”

Hush.

– Anupama Shenoy Says She Does Not Have a Facebook Account

Good to know. Glad MSN was on top of this one.

– China’s Communist Party Wants to Turn Up the Propaganda

Aw yeah, boi! Crank that shit up! Most honorable leader ’bout to raise the roof with his sick lyrics!! WUT WUT!

– Tel Aviv Suspect Discovered Hiding in Home of Off-duty Cop

See? SEE, world!? Stupid criminals aren’t just a ‘Merican thing! #idiocyhasnoborders

– Trump Would be ‘Coward’ to Snub Scotland Mosques

Is the rest of the world JUST cluing into the fact that Trump is a coward? Seriously?

– China Leads Move to Nix India’s Entry into NSG

Those bitches aren’t cool enough for this Communist Party! WUT WUT!

– Israeli Survey Finds Little Support For Trump in Arab World

Mirroring our own survey results over here. We’re not that much different, folks. #sanityhasnoborders

– Pakistan Turns Up Efforts to Enter NSG

The old slip the bouncer an oil field trick. Classic. WUT WUT!

– Family Accused of Running Drug Lab in Sprawling Home

They cooked their meth in the spacious, modern kitchen which overlooked the weigh station based in the contemporarily furnished open-floor designed dining room/den.

– Feds: Man Posing as Football Player Sought Nude Selfies

Why are they surprised? It’s the internet. OMG…do the feds NOT know how the internet works?

– How to Protect Your Twitter and Facebook Accounts from Hackers

You hackers look the other way for a minute while we read this. After all, we wouldn’t want you to know how we’re avoiding your attacks. Now I’mma go ahead and open this article, but I’m trusting that you’ll follow the honor system.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

…of course, maybe all the positives are what the robots WANT me to focus on. Holy shit. Do you think I’m playing right into their plan? Am…am I being an unintentional harbinger!??

– Human-carrying Taxi Drone to be Tested in Nevada

Sooooo…a plane?

– 38 Tips and Tricks to Master Periscope

38 seems like a lot of new things to have to master to use an app. My limit is, like, 2.

– Tinder Will Ban Under-18s From Using Their App

First: Oh, banning from an app? There’s NO possible way around THAT. Second: THIS WASN’T ALREADY THE POLICY!!??

– Domino’s to Track Australian Customers on Way to Store

Domino’s, why so creepy?

– Family Enlists Help of German Shepard to Pull Out Girl’s Tooth

In all fairness, he was the only one in the home with any dental training.

– Man Tries to Sneak Out Steak In His Pants

“Steak.” Yeah. Sure. We’ll go with that.

– How Robots Will Soon Take Teens’ Virginity

I’m turned around on this, folks. While on the surface there seem to be many benefits to robot/virgin relationships, I don’t know that we can overlook the dangers. I think we need to unite as creatures of biology and stop these robots from sexing up our virgins. I’m not ready to bow down to the robot uprising yet. #NOT.ON.MY.WATCH

Thus concludes a Roundup for Graduation Day, 2016. I’m a mess today. What’s it going to be like when I have TWO leaving me next year?! Gah. Time to go bury my feelings through a burst of housework…

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