I come to you this morning older. I’d like to say wiser, but we both know that’s not true. It was my birthday on Wednesday! And now I am 38.
I’m not one of those ladies that has a hang up over age. I will never be like, “29 4EVR!!” Stressing out about your age only ages you faster. Think of the amount of energy it takes to pull off such a con.
You’ve got to botox, and moisturize, and plump, and acid peel your face. You’ve got to dye your hair and condition it to reverse the effects of the dye, and then keep dying it in a never ending pursuit to chase the grays away. You’ve got to caulk the wrinkles and cover your face with stucco to hide the sun blotches and liver spots. After all that, you’ve still got to squeeze your whole meat shell into a lycra casing to make folks believe your boobs and ass have ascended to a plane of enlightenment beyond the reach of gravity.
Uck. Too much work. I just don’t have that kind of time.
If you REALLY want to be younger and feel younger, leave the wrinkles. Embrace the gray. Let gravity do what it will. And then take all that time you saved by not trying to turn yourself into a painted, sentient sausage and go do something irresponsible. THAT’S how to really be youthful.
I got pans for my birthday! I know it might sound unsophisticated, but I’m really excited about them. I’ve been using pans I got from my first wedding, and the Teflon lasted just a hair longer than the marriage.
This is a whole set, too, not just one or two. Nine pans and lids. They’re heavy duty and so shiny and new and I can’t wait to scunge them up. I love cooking. Now I can feel fancy when I do it.
*thrumming beat getting louder*
*flash of fireworks* *pop of confetti* *go go routine to the Birthday song*
OMG! They remembered!
*long drum roll* *glittery wave* *big finish*
Bravo! Thank you! What a nice surprise!
Wow, huh? How cool is that? Boy, that put me in a good mood! I was going to talk about politics and the killing of a woman who was attacking cops with a war ax, but how can I possible bring us down after such an awesome performance? Hm. What can we do instead?
I know! Since we have the band, and the dancers are all warmed up, maybe we should do a…
*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP ! ! ! ***
Why the hell not?
For those who may not know, the internet news sites are full of headlines, and not all of them are winners. Sometimes they’re poorly worded, or misleading. Sometimes they just put a stupid image in my head I want to share. I scour the annals of internet news and gather these headlines up to present to you. As always, the headlines are 100% real. I just add the virtual commentary.
Let’s dive in.
-Gap Apologizes for Racially Insensitive Ad
…but did they apologize for being the Gap? Because I think we can all agree that apology is LONG overdue.
– Cruz Outsmarting Trump in Hand-to-Hand Delegate Fight
Don’t even pretend you wouldn’t watch that Pay Per View special.
– Another Poll Suggests Kasich is GOP’s Best Hope
578 people were polled. Trump got the nod from 39%, Cruz 30%, and Kasich 24%. *blink**blink* I feel like we’re already starting to see the real world ramifications of Common Core…
– Police: Charlie Sheen Under Criminal Investigation
Uh oh. Looks like someone’s hitting the tiger blood again.
– When Too Much Is Just Enough, You Need A 1967 Mustang
You know the editor thought he was just the cleverest thing on the planet when he wrote that headline. Ugh.
– Things That Make You Overeat
1. Food is delicious.
2. See #1.
– The Masters Champion in the Year You Were Born
You cannot pay me enough to scroll through and check.
– France Outlaws Paying For Sex
Guess I can go ahead and cross that trip off my bucket list. Bummer.
– Boy Found With Octopus In Throat, Police Arrest Mother’s Boyfriend
Unless “octopus” is the world’s oddest euphemism, I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on here.
– Former NFL WR [wide receiver, for my non-sportsy people] Offered to Take The Blame for Marshall Punching Woman
Whoa. Hang on. It’s almost like they’re implying there might be a culture of misogyny in the NFL or something.
– Ex-teacher Imprisoned for Having Sex With Students Blames Parents
She said she did it because the parents did not attend parent/teacher meetings. You understand. ??
– Stars React To Haggard’s Death
Quick, celebs! Run to Twitter as fast as you can so people know how good of a person YOU are.
– Former House Speaker Hastert ‘Deeply Sorry’ For Conduct Decades Ago
Everyone’s “deeply sorry” after they’ve been caught. #TRUTH
– Supersized Black Hole Discovery Forces Universal Rethink
False. It forces GLOBAL rethink. I’m pretty sure others in the universe have already figured it out.
– Clinton Vs. Trump: Even Their Supporters Don’t Like Them
– Why Sanders Keeps Winning But May Not Be Democratic Nominee
Because politicos are poopy heads.
– Granite Staters Search For Bigfoot
*whistles**picks lint off robe* Uh…can we move on?
– N. Korea Raps ‘Evil’ Southern Leader
You are just as eager to hear Jong Un spit some sick lyrics as I am. #weburntogether
– More Evidence We Really Just Want to Marry Versions of Ourselves
Marry someone like myself!? Bitch, please. I can barely put up with one of me.
– Cyber Fraudsters Reap $2.3 Billion Through Email Scams
WHO STILL FALLS FOR THIS!???! I fear for America, folks. I really do.
– A Brief History of the Swimsuit
You know, in case there wasn’t any paint drying for you to watch.
– Drug User Admits to Stealing From Friends, Family to Support His Habit
This is news to you? You don’t really understand how drug addiction works, do you Fluff Ho?
– Caller Who Reported Man With Gun at Walmart May Be Charged
*tries to gauge audience to determine level of redneckness before making joke**can’t get a read* *moves on*
– British Prime Minister Admits to Profiting From Father’s Offshore Fund
Oh ho HO. It’s not just the Yanks, now, is it!?
– 13 N Korean Staff in Overseas Restaurant Defect to S Korea
Jong Un’s rapping was THAT bad. Man I wish I had that CD.
– Putin Cafe with Obama Toilet Paper Opens in Russia
*snort* …what? Oh come on. It’s kind of funny.
– Beckham Tells Rousey He’s Living With Drake
Are we supposed to know these people? Or care?
– A Judge Threatens to Free Convicts
At first I was thinking Marvel has gone off the rails. But when you really think about it a minute, what a great villain, no? “And by the power of my Gavel of Judgment, I sentence the citizens of New York to life without parole! Minions, RELEASE!!! MWAHAHAHAA!!!”
– Royals Star Rescues Girl After Bieber Concert
After the concert? Damn. He got there a couple hours too late.
– N. Korea Unveils Homemade Engine for Missile Capable of Striking U.S.
Everyone chill. It’s Jong Un. You know that shit’s made of popsicle sticks and glitter.
– Stars Who’ve Been Criticized for Their Weight
Um, all of them? Well, the ones without dicks, anyway. #youknowit’strue
– Creative Ways to Scramble Your Eggs
Taking them to Home Depot and strapping them onto the paint mixer wasn’t on the list. Pfft. Are you even trying, PopSugar?
– Little Lies We Tell Every Day
– US Wants CIA Sex Case Sealed
You don’t say. #noshitgazettebreakingnews
– Clinton Campaign Chair: It’s Time for the Truth About UFOs
HELL YEAH IT IS! Wait. Lemme get my “Welcome ET” sign. *holds up sign with hopeful exuberance* Okay, tell me all about them!
– Wait, what? Star Spotted With a Red Rectangle Around It
*slowly lowers Welcome sign* THAT? That’s what you’ve got? It’s refracted light, you dopes. Damn. I was really hoping you’d bring more than that. I really was. *sigh* Guess I better put my sign away. FOR NOW.
– Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Pessimistic About Country’s Path
*crash* *oof* *scramble* Sorry. I fell out of my seat I was so fucking shocked.
– Military Leaders Struggle to Navigate 2016’s Political Swirl
Never have I felt so close to the military leaders of the nation.
– Rubio Breaks With GOP, Backs Obama Zika Request
Just so we’re all on the same page, Obama wants to help the WHO fund a massive emergency study on zika, including figuring out a global plan on how to stop the spread and how to treat pregnant women who are infected so that they don’t have babies who are victims of microcephaly. And the GOP is AGAINST it. Goddamn you, GOP, for making me side with Rubio. Would it kill you to be human? Just once?
– U.S. Postage Stamps Will Be 2 Cents Cheaper Starting Sunday
I see what you did there. Make them cheaper when you’re not even open. Nice try, USPS, but I’m on to your bait and switch scam.
– 3 Castaways Rescued After Spelling ‘Help’ With Palm Leaves on Remote Island
But then Gilligan tripped and fell into the navigator, who let go of the wheel causing the boat to turn suddenly and hit a reef, and they all had to swim back to shore and eat coconut cream pie.
– Angry Escaped Bull Charges Through Traffic in Texas
Wait. That’s not what happens in Texas EVERY day?? I feel that westerns have lied to me…
– Alone on the Range, Seniors Often Lack Access to Health Care
Honest to god, the picture with the article is a little old lady with a walker in the middle of a wide, deserted prairie. Free range prairie grandmas. Watch out if you drive your wagon train through there. You hit one of their dens, you’ll sink to your axle.
– Refinery Fire Blankets Swaths of Houston in Smoke
“It was a tender blaze that broke out across the quiet, dewy land…”
– Thefts From Cars May Be Tied to ‘Felony Lane Gang’
That’s the gang name you’re going with? Really? *smh* Okay then. Good luck to you in the prison yard.
– Jesus-preaching Trooper Fired After Proselytizing – Yet Again- During Traffic Stop
– Carny ‘Zombie Mike’ Wanted in Wheelchair Rape Has Ties to Bay Area
I didn’t even know it was possible to rape a wheelchair. #learnsomethingneweveryday
…what? Hey, I’m not the one that reduced a human being to no more than an aide object for the sake of a “shocking” headline. That’s on the editor, man.
– Singer Performing With King Cobra Dies After Onstage Bite
Someone get that Darwin award all polished up. Looks like we’ve got a winner.
– John Kerry Makes Unannounced Visit to Afghanistan
Tres declasse. I hope he at least brought a bottle of wine.
– Jetpack Company Exec Hurt After Crashing During Test Flight
*slowly removes Darwin award from singer’s gravesite* I’mma just need to take this back…sorry…
– There’s Still A Way to Avoid Netflix Price Hikes
Switch to Hulu.
– Here’s Where You Can Try Virtual Reality
*ducks rotten tomato*
…yeah. Fair enough.
– Dog Goes Viral Thanks To Fashion-forward Costumes
That’s it. I’m done. *slaps the internet across the face* *storms out*
Thus concludes the Roundup for Saturday, April 9. 2017. I’d make a witty comment here, but I already quit. You understand.