If you think I look like shit now, you should have seen me on Monday!

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Mornin’ all.

I’ve been sick all week with an infection. It has been less than fun. In fact, it was a big ball of NOT fun.

I hate being sick as a grown up. When you’re sick as a kid, you get to lay on the couch and watch The Price Is Right and let your Mum worry about fevers and medicine and taking care of the household while you hover between consciousness and fever dreams. When you ARE the mum, it’s much less Price Is Right and more As The World Turns…and Turns…and Turns…and OH GOD Why Won’t The World Stop Spinning?

Yuck.

Ah well. Everyone’s gotta go through it. And hey, I’m on the other side. Not feeling prime yet, but most assuredly getting there.

Yesterday I resumed the cleaning attempt of the car part/ tool/ formal dining room area. I got a good amount done last week, but still had more to go when bacteria had other plans.

While working, I unearthed an injection pump I forgot I had! It’s from an I5 OM617 diesel engine and since we removed it without making sure to note the position of the crank shaft in relation to the…

“*zzzzzzzz*”

…oh. Right. We had a deal. My bad.

Okay, so it’s a car part that squishes the diesel into the engine. It’s huge and heavy and greasy and complicated and completely useless to us since we didn’t take note of certain things when we removed it. What I’m saying is, I get to take it apart!

I love taking things apart. You can look at a schematic all you want, but the very best way to learn about how something works is to strip it down and have a look.

Besides, the day of cleaning was, perhaps, a tad premature. By dinner time last night, I was utterly wiped. It’s probably a good idea to sit and stay mellow today. I’m just starting to feel better. Wouldn’t want to undo all the hard work my white blood cells have put in.

In celebration of their effort, I feel like we should do something. Those cells are heroes right now and they deserve a bit of thanks. We could have a parade. I haven’t given them a parade in awhile, and they certainly deserve it. However, I’m still a bit touch and go, and I’ve only had enough coffee to make a small effort in gratitude, not lead an entire parade. I know! Let’s do some headlines.

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***

“No music and dancing, Bethie?”

Nah. I’ve still got a bit of a headache and I’m not so sure I could handle the band and the go-go dancers today. They want to do a cha cha routine. Do YOU want to watch a flashy cha cha routine with a headache and only half a cup of coffee in your system?

“I see your point.”

Then we’ll shelf the pomp for today and do an acoustic version.

As regular readers of this blog know, once in awhile (and more frequently of late) I see headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded. Some are misleading. And some just give me a funny or weird mental image that I am compelled to share. I round them up and present them to you. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just add some jokes.

Up to speed? Good. Let’s dive in.

-Arraignment Set for Pianist’s Wife Accused in Kid’s Death

*fist bump to all you other band geeks who read that as “Arrangement Set for Pianist’s Wife”, too. Hey, if we burn for it, we burn together.*

– Study: More Than Half of What You Eat Isn’t Real Food

So what you’re saying is that I should go ahead and eat the other half of the box of chocolates, thus making sure I have consumed 100% real food? *munch snarfle munch* Thanks for looking out for me, Science.

– Nations Rush to Condemn Brussels Attack

My gut instinct is to scoff and say, “OF FUCKING COURSE THEY CONDEMN IT!! Is it even necessary to say they do?” But, since the attacks actually made some nations happy, I guess that sadly answers my question.

– Sugar Overload? 15 Candy-free Ideas for Easter Baskets

Um, anything but candy. Come on, people. It’s not rocket science.

– Tiger Woods’ Injuries Self-Inflicted, Says Ex-Caddie

Quit hittin’ yourself Tiger. Quit hittin’ yourself…

– Ten Surprising Reasons You Can’t Lose Weight

Bacon is tasty and kale is disgusting. There’s really no mystery here.

– 5 Things to Know About the Costco and AmEx Breakup

AmEx was totally doing Kohl’s on the side. *gasp* Bitch please. Don’t act like you didn’t already see the pics on TMZ.

– At Microhotels, the Price is Right and the Space is Tight

That’s like one word away from advertising a very different kind of hotel…

– What People Wore When You Were Born

I’m hoping a hospital gown and scrubs. It WAS the 70s, though. OMG. Was my doctor wearing a leisure suit? I change my mind. If that is an option, the mental image of my own birth just got ten times more awesome.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

Fuck off.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

No, for real. Go away with this bullshit right now. I mastered the art of drinking water 37 years ago. I am officially a pro. I do not need Common Core Water Drinking Instructions to over-complicate what even a housefly knows how to do.

– Brussels Airport Attack is 2nd Major Bombing for Utah Teen

It’s true. He was also at the Boston Marathon bombing. Now, I’m not saying this kid’s bad luck, but I’m also not inviting him to dinner anytime soon.

– Angry Man Spends $200 at Sushi Restaurant, Leaves 13-foot Python Instead of Tip

What are they mad about? That’s way more than 15%.

– Sarah Palin to ‘Judge-Judy’-Style Over TV Courtroom

Aw HELL no.

– Speaker Ryan to Give An Address on ‘State of American Politics’

Ryan stands, nods to the control room. An image of a giant garbage can projects onto the wall. Ryan drops mic, walks off to live the rest of his life learning the ways and customs of deep Appalachia on an unmapped hill in Kentucky.

– Kasich Reveals Partial Tax Returns for 7 Years

Kasich, revealing your taxes should not be done strip-tease fashion. …Actually, scratch that. Revealing your taxes should ALWAYS be done strip-tease fashion. Cue the band! Anyone got some spare tassels? Size 1040.

– Zebra Runs Amok in Japanese Golf Course, Dies in Lake

Well. That took a dark turn.

– Avocado Can Do More Than Guacamole

It’s also highly skilled in the dying art of silver-smithing and has a passion for collecting and cataloging indigenous folklore. But you never take the time to get to know the real Avocado, do you?

– 4 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Underground

Because the threat of Mole People is real. #thethreatisreal #fearthemoles

– These Identical Twins Share Everything- Even A Boyfriend!

All together now… “UGH.”

– Paris Gets Sausage and Steaks from 24/7 Vending Machine

France you zany bitch.

– Nun caught Stealing $23 Worth of Shampoo and Snacks

*having a hard time keeping it together and not saying something wildly inappropriate right now* Uh..heh heh…*sweat breaks on brow*…maybe we should just move on to something else…

– Theaters to Take Aim With Lasers to Shame Phone Users

I love this. I want this to start happening in every theater immediately.

– “Japan Positive About New Sri Lanka”- Minister Harsha

“Guys, I’m telling you it’s there. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!”

– Can Students Sue “Grossly Ineffective” Teachers?

I was very lucky to generally have great teachers when I was in school, but I gotta be honest, one or two names come to mind right about now…

– Shakespeare’s Skull ‘Missing’

No biggie. Everyone knows it was really Bacon’s skull anyway.

– North Carolina to Limit Bathroom Use by Birth Gender

What are you going to do? Put a ‘gina checker in every restroom? This is utterly stupid. Grow up, North Carolina.

– What Would Happen if Americans Were Paid to Donate Kidneys?

There’d be a lot of one-kidneyed mofos running around, that’s what.

– Feds Mull Medicare Changes After Big Success in YMCA’s Diabetes Program

*cue music* YOUNG MAN, take that insulin now, I said YOUNG MAN, get that blood sugar down…

– North Carolina Man Arrested for Not Returning 2001 VHS Rental of ‘Freddy Got Fingered’ Could Have His Fine Paid By Movie’s Star Tom Green

Eh, whatever…as long as he uses the right bathroom, who cares?

– Rise of Trump is ‘Scary’, Says France’s Sarkozy

I’m not sure if you’re up on French politics, so I’ll put this in context. Sarkozy being afraid of a Trump presidency would be like Freddy Krueger saying, “Norman Bates freaks me out.”

– Flight Attendant Who Tried to Sneak 70 Lbs of Cocaine is Arrested

As well she should! That bitch has to pay for cocaine like everyone else.

– Arizona Voting Lines so Long People Started Ordering Pizza

I think they may have unwittingly stumbled upon a great idea. Free pizza for voters. Admit it…you’d be happier to vote if you knew you’d get a slice while you’re there.

– Bernie Sanders Blasts Donald Trump’s Foreign Stance on Jimmy Kimmel

…Donald Trump HAS a foreign stance on Jimmy Kimmel? I thought Kimmel was American?

– 184-year Old Tortoise Gets His First Bath

A man took a bucket of soapy water and car washed the famous tortoise. Because it was there, that’s why.

– Bingo! NH Law Would Allow Adults to Join Children’s Games

“You might still have a working bladder and all your teeth, but I just got BINGO!” *sniff* “But…but…” “Stop cryin’ like a little bitch. Nana’s gettin’ the juice box and cookies today!”

– Son of Wrongly Cremated Woman Comes Forward

I sure hope she was dead first.

– US Bill Targets Babies Born Dependent on Opioids

It’s about time the government cracked down on these druggies. I, for one, am sick of going into a nursery expecting to ooh and ah over the cute newborns only to be faced with drooling, lazy, useless lumps who do nothing but nod off and hit the bottle all day long. #warondrugs #lockemupyoung

– Obama Weighs Republican Nevada Governor for Supreme Court

Finds Him Too Heavy for SCOTUS Weight Class

– University of California Softens Anti-Semitism Statement

“We didn’t mean to say we’re absolutely against anti-semitism. Of course you can still single Jews out for their stinginess, nose size, and bizarre religious rituals. We simply meant to draw a line between good humored racism and Hitler jokes. Everyone knows it’s too soon for Hitler jokes. We apologize for any confusion.”

– Brussels Bombing May Have Targeted Americans: US Lawmaker

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. This is not about us. At all. In any way! Get over yourself.

– US Prosecuting Fewer Drug Offenses: Justice Deptartment

…except for ones committed by babies. #alwaysvigilant

– Rookie Iditarod Musher Battles to Last-Place Finish in Alaska

“Sure, we could do an article about the winners, but we need to feel better about ourselves this week. Let’s run this story detailing just how much of a pathetic loser this lady is.” “Good idea, Sal. Make sure you talk about how much money, time, and effort she put into it for nothing.” “Wouldn’t dream of leaving that out.”

– Ga. Parents Offended by Yoga, Get ‘Namaste’ Banned From School

I can see why a greeting of respect might rub these people the wrong way.

– Here’s What Happened When Homeowners Used HARP

The clouds parted in, and rays of light shown down on the cherubs descending from on high.

– NC LGBT Law May Mar NBA All-Star Game

At first I was all “huh??” because of the two seemingly unrelated topics mashed together, but then I read the article. The NBA is officially taking a stance against a new NC law that bans local municipalities from making non-discriminatory ordinances designed to protect Ls, Gs, Bs and Ts. The NBA just called out NC. Well played, NBA. *pun ALWAYS intended*

– As Tensions Escalate, Cruz Calls Trump A ‘Sniveling Coward’

Look at that Canadian, trying to be all tough like a big kid. Aw.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

The science equivalent to a kindergarten art project.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

You know, I joke, but the more I think about this, the more unsettling it becomes. They’re making ORGANISMS. Life forms. BEINGS of some sort, and they’ve got no idea at all what that being is. What its intentions are.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

…okay, maybe I’m overreacting a little bit. I mean, how bad could it really be, right? It’s just a tiny little organism in some petri dish in a lab. I’m sure it’s secure. I’m sure the lab follows standard clean room procedures and there’s no chance of the new being dividing and spawning, somehow gaining sentience and finding a way out of the lab stuck to the underside of the scientist’s briefcase, thus being unwittingly released into a world that doesn’t understand it and that it does not understand in return, which will no doubt cause feelings of turmoil and confusion that quickly escalate to frustration and anger, igniting a desire for revenge on those who took the identity of Creator without understanding the true responsibility they had toward their creation…

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

I was wrong. There is no other hand to this. RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, March 25, 2016. I’m off to get all greasy. Not in a sexy way. Unless you’re a freak, you sicko.

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