Many years ago, my dad came over for a BBQ. He brought with him the usual array of snacks for the kiddies, only this time, he also had something for me. Two somethings, actually. The first was a Chop Wizard, and the second was a Magic Slicer.
Remember those? The amazing kitchen gadgets you see advertised on TV by people who have no idea how to use a knife. You put the tomato in the Chop Wizard and fall back on your long forgotten “Whack-A-Mole” skills to smack the top of the unit and mush the tomato through a grid of slightly sharp blades to make “perfect” salsa-sized tomato blobs.
The Magic Slicer is just a more maniacal version of a kitchen mandolin. You jab a potato with the medieval torture device, then whish whish whish it over the blade to create perfect potato chip slices (as long as you don’t mind your potato chips have Swiss cheese style holes all through them), the whole time promising yourself that no matter how cumbersome the safety holder is you’ll never slice without it…knowing damn well you most certainly will.
Ah, made for TV products. They’re the best!
So Dad came over, handed out the snacks, and then gave me the gadgets. I said, “Wow. Thanks! Uh, why?”
At first he tried to tell me that he just thought I’d like them. But here’s the thing about my dad. He had no poker face. It’s an annoying trait I inherited, in fact. I knew, I just KNEW something was fishy. I pressed and of course he folded. He always folded when pressed. Also a trait I unfortunately inherited.
Turns out Dad had a few too many and got bored one night, broke out his credit card and listened to the infomercials. He didn’t even remember ordering anything. He said one day, two of each showed up at his house. He checked his bank statements, and it was, indeed, a night he knew he couldn’t remember, and he was, in fact, a compulsive shopper. He had two of each, because you MUST get the second one free (plus shipping and processing), and decided to give the spares to me.
Flash forward to yesterday. I was watching daytime TV while working on a project, and an ad came up for an automatic can opener. Have you seen this one? The Tucan. You set it on top of the can, push a button, and it opens the can for you every time. How DOES it do it? Is it magic? No! The secret is in the patented roller, don’t you know. Boy, those old ladies on the ad really sell it, too.
Anyway, I watched it and just really missed my dad. It’s weird little things that bring it all back, isn’t it?
Consequently, I wouldn’t be opposed to anyone taking a page out of his book and drunk-ordering me a “free” second Toucan. You know. In honor of Dad and all.
Bah. Let’s not get all melancholy today. It’s melancholy enough outside as it is. It’s turned chilly again, with threats of sky dandruff falling later. I don’t need that shit. I need sunshine and blue skies.
With that in mind, let’s do something to pep us up.
“You don’t mean…”
Yes, I do.
“But you’ve been doing a lot of them lately, Bethie.”
Eh, I’ve needed a lot of pepping up. It’s the end of winter in New England. I’m not alone in my need to find a cheery outlet.
Dude. Don’t harsh my mellow. It’s gray and cloudy outside, I’ve got dead people on my mind, and my raging heartburn is letting me know I’m overdue for my 14 day patch job on the acid reflux issue (thanks for those genes, too, Pop!). I thought you liked it when I…
“…I do! It’s just…”
Then sit back, relax, and have some fun because we’re doing a….
* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *
*catchy theme music* *Irish jig routine by the go-go dancers*
Look at them go! They wanted to test out their St. Patrick’s Day routine to get some practice in. I don’t know what they were worried about…it was fantastic! I’m not a fan of the pipers in the band, but they’ve got a couple weeks to sort it out. Good job, everyone!
Okay, so if you’ve read any of these Musings, you’re familiar with the concept. The world is full of stories, and some of them aren’t presented in the best way. I scour the news sites for headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded, some are batshit crazy, and others just put an image in my head that must be shared. As always, every single headline is 100% real. I just add the MSG-free comments after. Let’s begin!
– Bald Eagles are Adapting to City Life
It took them awhile to learn to fly to work in single file so they could experience beak to tail grid lock, but they’re getting the hang of it.
– Oregon Goats on a Mission to Deplete Invasive Species Go Rogue
I love this. I love just knowing that somewhere in Oregon, there’s a badass band of rogue goats. Sorry, Oregonian peeps. You know that shit’s funny.
– IT SPEAKS! Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Speaks to Court
*loud screech of record* …”it?” “IT??!!” Guys, this was from the Daily Mail. Granted, it’s a rag…but it’s a large rag. An international news organization. “IT?!” W. T. F.
– Apple Lawyer, FBI to Face Off Before Congress
Sunday SUNday Sunday come on down to the congressional arena to watch a no-holds-barred slugfest…
– University President Resigns After Comparing Students to Bunnies
He had to resign because he called the kids….bunnies? And millennials wonder why we think they’re overly sensitive.
– Illinois School Apologizes for Slave Auction Skit
I’mma go out on a limb and guess that this school uses articles from the Daily Mail in their Current Events classes.
– EPA Head: Flint Water Crisis is Personal
Whoa dude, put the tin foil hat away. It wasn’t personal. No one said, “Gee, you know who we’d like to screw? This one guy in particular.” No, they wanted to screw EVERY guy in particular. Ego much?
– Abortion At the Supreme Court
Wake up, America. So many abortion clinics have been closed that women now have to travel to the Supreme Court to have them done! #outraged
– Russia’s Economy Has Tanked, So Why is Putin Smiling?
Gee, I wonder.
– Trump’s Message Resonates With White Supremacists
– Hubble Breaks Cosmic Record, Captures Most Distant Galaxy
Yeah, but that’s like the dude who eats light bulbs bragging that he ate 15 this year instead of 14. Is there really enough competition for it to be newsworthy?
– Scientists Claim to Prove Banksy’s Real Identity
I didn’t read the article because I want to believe Banksy is really a little old lady, and I don’t want my hopes and dreams shattered.
– Mexico Won’t Pay For Trump’s ‘Terrible’ Wall: Minister
‘S cool, Mexico. No one really thought you would.
– Military Beginning to Recruit Women for Combat Jobs
It is a sad state of affairs when the friggin’ MILITARY is more progressive in its attitudes towards women than the government. #gottatraveltoDCforabortions
– Spooked Police Horse Tosses Officer, Roams Times Square
Spooked my ass. That horse heard about the rogue goats and wanted in on that action.
– Family Discovers Wrong Person in Late Woman’s Clothes and Casket
Not surprised. While everyone always focuses on the brain eating, the number one crime committed by zombies is actually casket jacking. #lockyocasketshideyograndmas
– Woman Finds 9-foot Gator in Her Pool
A swim buddy! Nice.
– Slushy Mix Today- More Glimpses of April Next Week- February Was 6th Warmer Than Average Month in A Row
Last Snow Storm Wasn’t All That Special- When I Was A Kid We Had This One Lulu Of A Winter- Maybe Summer Will Be Super Hot- Oh, Now I Feel A Few Drops Starting to Fall- Say, Any Idea Whatever Happened to Toboggan Parties? Remember Those? With Hot Cider- Gee I Miss Hot Cider- Whoowhee That Wind Is Kicking Up- Better Watch Your Umbrellas!-….
– High School Teacher Whose Sexy Photos Were Shared by Student Wants Job Back
Uh yeah no.
– Trudeau: Americans Should Pay More Attention to the World
I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you over the roar of the literal talking penis.
– Trump References Penis Size in GOP Debate
Ha! And you thought I was just making an excuse, didn’t you Trudeau?
– Trump References Penis Size in GOP Debate
But for real, that happened. That is a thing that honestly, definitely happened. A candidate that millions of Americans somehow seriously consider a viable option for PRESIDENT made reference to the size of his junk on a nationally televised debate. I…I just…
– UN Envoy: Syria Cease-fire Is Holding Despite Some Fighting
Um, Mr. UN Envoy? I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job, but I’m worried that you might not understand the definition of the term “cease-fire,” and that seems like it might just be a tad important in your line of work.
– Teen Accused of Posing As Doctor Re-arrested
This kid is all over the news. He’s been exposed multiple times now for pretending to be a doctor and performing actual exams and procedures on people. I get it in the beginning. If you don’t know, I can see how someone could be conned. But he’s now been arrested for the THIRD time for the SAME con in the SAME town! HOW DO PEOPLE KEEP FALLING FOR THIS!?!…
– Millions Still Support Trump in Spite of Recent Negativity in Media
…hm. *strokes beard* You make a compelling argument.
– Daycare Teacher Convicted of Cruelty in ‘Baby Fight Club’
Yep. Exactly what it sounds like. And don’t worry, you’re not alone in the karmic hit you just took from laughing at the mental image. Pretty sure we all have some good deeds to perform now.
– Texas Shooter Evades Police Capture by Fleeing on a Hoverboard
wut. WUT. Those things go like 5 miles an hour. How, Texas? HOW.
– Read the Presidential Candidates’ Latest Tweets
Thanks, I’ll pass. This coffee’s already sitting weird on the tummy and I don’t want to push it.
– New App Can Help Non-doctors Determine Cause of Death
I was just saying to my hubby the other day how annoying it is to have to wait for a coroner to determine how someone died every time I find a body. Finally, an app I can actually use!
– Mass Effect Andromeda Delayed Till Next Year, EA Exec. Reveals
*lone tear slowly makes its way down limp, sad face*
– N. Korea, on Defensive After Sanctions, Makes Nuclear Threat
If there is a single person alive who honestly does not understand that THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT TRUMP WOULD DO, then I really fear for society. #truth
– Check In With This Dinosaur At Japan’s Robot Hotel
I choose to believe that this is a hotel for robots run by dinosaurs. “But Bethie…” NO.
– Farmer Spells Out “No Trump” In Manure
Yeah, pretty much.
– Message In A Bottle Travels 3,600 Miles From New York to France
But did anyone help or is there still someone stuck on Staten Island?! Dear gawd, get down there and save him right now!
– Thief Returns Stolen Painting With A Note of Apology
“Sorry I took your Cezanne. Thought my lady was into post-impressionism, but she says if I was listening, I’d know that was a phase, and cubism is what’s hot right now. My bad.”
– Russian Man Creates World’s Smallest Book
Not much to do up there in there winter, eh?
– The Latest: Elton John, Katy Perry Campaign for Clinton
Didn’t we kind of draw the line with Brits in our political arena quite awhile ago? Benny, cool your jets and butt out of our clusterfuck election.
– Lost Wallet is Returned to Woman’s Home With Note Criticizing Her Spending Habits
My eyes hurt they’re rolling so hard.
– Atheist Lawmaker’s Prayer Sets Off Arizona House Dispute
Hey fuckheads, stop praying at your governmental sessions. End of dispute. #yourreligionisnotMYgovernment
– Donald Trump Just Showed Us the Kind of General Election Campaign He’ll Run
“Just?” Where’s this “just” coming from? Where have you been for the last year?
– School Bus Full of Kids Loses 2 Wheels on Way to School
Trust the Midas touch…
– Lifelike Velociraptor Invades Australia in Hunt for Jurassic World
Japan, you better get your bellhops in check.
– Killer Who Ate Friend’s Brain is Denied Parole for 5th Time
Even the killer’s got to understand why. He has to be like, “Yeah, I just figured it was worth a shot.”
– Wrongest Things That Ever Happened on Sesame St.
“Wrongest.” That’s really what you’re going with? That’s the best “you” to present to the world?
– Rare ‘Super Bloom’ Carpets Death Valley in Gold
I just like knowing that exists, especially on gloomy days. Look up photos. You will not be sorry.
And one more hopeful one to end things on an upswing:
– Repeating Fast Radio Bursts Found Coming from Outside Our Galaxy
YAAASSSS!!!! FINALLY!!!! Here. Lemme hang out the sign…
Thus concludes a ramble with some headlines for Friday, March 4, 2016. I’m off to prepare my return broadcast for the aliens. What should I say? “Greetings?” Nah, too cliche. “I welcome you in peace.” WTF? Lame. Maybe I should just keep it simple? “‘Sup?” Bah. I’m overthinking this. I’m sure it’ll come to me.