If you think I look like shit now, you should have seen me on Monday!

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Mornin’ all.

I’ve been sick all week with an infection. It has been less than fun. In fact, it was a big ball of NOT fun.

I hate being sick as a grown up. When you’re sick as a kid, you get to lay on the couch and watch The Price Is Right and let your Mum worry about fevers and medicine and taking care of the household while you hover between consciousness and fever dreams. When you ARE the mum, it’s much less Price Is Right and more As The World Turns…and Turns…and Turns…and OH GOD Why Won’t The World Stop Spinning?

Yuck.

Ah well. Everyone’s gotta go through it. And hey, I’m on the other side. Not feeling prime yet, but most assuredly getting there.

Yesterday I resumed the cleaning attempt of the car part/ tool/ formal dining room area. I got a good amount done last week, but still had more to go when bacteria had other plans.

While working, I unearthed an injection pump I forgot I had! It’s from an I5 OM617 diesel engine and since we removed it without making sure to note the position of the crank shaft in relation to the…

“*zzzzzzzz*”

…oh. Right. We had a deal. My bad.

Okay, so it’s a car part that squishes the diesel into the engine. It’s huge and heavy and greasy and complicated and completely useless to us since we didn’t take note of certain things when we removed it. What I’m saying is, I get to take it apart!

I love taking things apart. You can look at a schematic all you want, but the very best way to learn about how something works is to strip it down and have a look.

Besides, the day of cleaning was, perhaps, a tad premature. By dinner time last night, I was utterly wiped. It’s probably a good idea to sit and stay mellow today. I’m just starting to feel better. Wouldn’t want to undo all the hard work my white blood cells have put in.

In celebration of their effort, I feel like we should do something. Those cells are heroes right now and they deserve a bit of thanks. We could have a parade. I haven’t given them a parade in awhile, and they certainly deserve it. However, I’m still a bit touch and go, and I’ve only had enough coffee to make a small effort in gratitude, not lead an entire parade. I know! Let’s do some headlines.

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! ***

“No music and dancing, Bethie?”

Nah. I’ve still got a bit of a headache and I’m not so sure I could handle the band and the go-go dancers today. They want to do a cha cha routine. Do YOU want to watch a flashy cha cha routine with a headache and only half a cup of coffee in your system?

“I see your point.”

Then we’ll shelf the pomp for today and do an acoustic version.

As regular readers of this blog know, once in awhile (and more frequently of late) I see headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded. Some are misleading. And some just give me a funny or weird mental image that I am compelled to share. I round them up and present them to you. As always, the headlines are completely real. I just add some jokes.

Up to speed? Good. Let’s dive in.

-Arraignment Set for Pianist’s Wife Accused in Kid’s Death

*fist bump to all you other band geeks who read that as “Arrangement Set for Pianist’s Wife”, too. Hey, if we burn for it, we burn together.*

– Study: More Than Half of What You Eat Isn’t Real Food

So what you’re saying is that I should go ahead and eat the other half of the box of chocolates, thus making sure I have consumed 100% real food? *munch snarfle munch* Thanks for looking out for me, Science.

– Nations Rush to Condemn Brussels Attack

My gut instinct is to scoff and say, “OF FUCKING COURSE THEY CONDEMN IT!! Is it even necessary to say they do?” But, since the attacks actually made some nations happy, I guess that sadly answers my question.

– Sugar Overload? 15 Candy-free Ideas for Easter Baskets

Um, anything but candy. Come on, people. It’s not rocket science.

– Tiger Woods’ Injuries Self-Inflicted, Says Ex-Caddie

Quit hittin’ yourself Tiger. Quit hittin’ yourself…

– Ten Surprising Reasons You Can’t Lose Weight

Bacon is tasty and kale is disgusting. There’s really no mystery here.

– 5 Things to Know About the Costco and AmEx Breakup

AmEx was totally doing Kohl’s on the side. *gasp* Bitch please. Don’t act like you didn’t already see the pics on TMZ.

– At Microhotels, the Price is Right and the Space is Tight

That’s like one word away from advertising a very different kind of hotel…

– What People Wore When You Were Born

I’m hoping a hospital gown and scrubs. It WAS the 70s, though. OMG. Was my doctor wearing a leisure suit? I change my mind. If that is an option, the mental image of my own birth just got ten times more awesome.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

Fuck off.

– 8 Ways You’re Drinking Water Wrong

No, for real. Go away with this bullshit right now. I mastered the art of drinking water 37 years ago. I am officially a pro. I do not need Common Core Water Drinking Instructions to over-complicate what even a housefly knows how to do.

– Brussels Airport Attack is 2nd Major Bombing for Utah Teen

It’s true. He was also at the Boston Marathon bombing. Now, I’m not saying this kid’s bad luck, but I’m also not inviting him to dinner anytime soon.

– Angry Man Spends $200 at Sushi Restaurant, Leaves 13-foot Python Instead of Tip

What are they mad about? That’s way more than 15%.

– Sarah Palin to ‘Judge-Judy’-Style Over TV Courtroom

Aw HELL no.

– Speaker Ryan to Give An Address on ‘State of American Politics’

Ryan stands, nods to the control room. An image of a giant garbage can projects onto the wall. Ryan drops mic, walks off to live the rest of his life learning the ways and customs of deep Appalachia on an unmapped hill in Kentucky.

– Kasich Reveals Partial Tax Returns for 7 Years

Kasich, revealing your taxes should not be done strip-tease fashion. …Actually, scratch that. Revealing your taxes should ALWAYS be done strip-tease fashion. Cue the band! Anyone got some spare tassels? Size 1040.

– Zebra Runs Amok in Japanese Golf Course, Dies in Lake

Well. That took a dark turn.

– Avocado Can Do More Than Guacamole

It’s also highly skilled in the dying art of silver-smithing and has a passion for collecting and cataloging indigenous folklore. But you never take the time to get to know the real Avocado, do you?

– 4 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Underground

Because the threat of Mole People is real. #thethreatisreal #fearthemoles

– These Identical Twins Share Everything- Even A Boyfriend!

All together now… “UGH.”

– Paris Gets Sausage and Steaks from 24/7 Vending Machine

France you zany bitch.

– Nun caught Stealing $23 Worth of Shampoo and Snacks

*having a hard time keeping it together and not saying something wildly inappropriate right now* Uh..heh heh…*sweat breaks on brow*…maybe we should just move on to something else…

– Theaters to Take Aim With Lasers to Shame Phone Users

I love this. I want this to start happening in every theater immediately.

– “Japan Positive About New Sri Lanka”- Minister Harsha

“Guys, I’m telling you it’s there. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!”

– Can Students Sue “Grossly Ineffective” Teachers?

I was very lucky to generally have great teachers when I was in school, but I gotta be honest, one or two names come to mind right about now…

– Shakespeare’s Skull ‘Missing’

No biggie. Everyone knows it was really Bacon’s skull anyway.

– North Carolina to Limit Bathroom Use by Birth Gender

What are you going to do? Put a ‘gina checker in every restroom? This is utterly stupid. Grow up, North Carolina.

– What Would Happen if Americans Were Paid to Donate Kidneys?

There’d be a lot of one-kidneyed mofos running around, that’s what.

– Feds Mull Medicare Changes After Big Success in YMCA’s Diabetes Program

*cue music* YOUNG MAN, take that insulin now, I said YOUNG MAN, get that blood sugar down…

– North Carolina Man Arrested for Not Returning 2001 VHS Rental of ‘Freddy Got Fingered’ Could Have His Fine Paid By Movie’s Star Tom Green

Eh, whatever…as long as he uses the right bathroom, who cares?

– Rise of Trump is ‘Scary’, Says France’s Sarkozy

I’m not sure if you’re up on French politics, so I’ll put this in context. Sarkozy being afraid of a Trump presidency would be like Freddy Krueger saying, “Norman Bates freaks me out.”

– Flight Attendant Who Tried to Sneak 70 Lbs of Cocaine is Arrested

As well she should! That bitch has to pay for cocaine like everyone else.

– Arizona Voting Lines so Long People Started Ordering Pizza

I think they may have unwittingly stumbled upon a great idea. Free pizza for voters. Admit it…you’d be happier to vote if you knew you’d get a slice while you’re there.

– Bernie Sanders Blasts Donald Trump’s Foreign Stance on Jimmy Kimmel

…Donald Trump HAS a foreign stance on Jimmy Kimmel? I thought Kimmel was American?

– 184-year Old Tortoise Gets His First Bath

A man took a bucket of soapy water and car washed the famous tortoise. Because it was there, that’s why.

– Bingo! NH Law Would Allow Adults to Join Children’s Games

“You might still have a working bladder and all your teeth, but I just got BINGO!” *sniff* “But…but…” “Stop cryin’ like a little bitch. Nana’s gettin’ the juice box and cookies today!”

– Son of Wrongly Cremated Woman Comes Forward

I sure hope she was dead first.

– US Bill Targets Babies Born Dependent on Opioids

It’s about time the government cracked down on these druggies. I, for one, am sick of going into a nursery expecting to ooh and ah over the cute newborns only to be faced with drooling, lazy, useless lumps who do nothing but nod off and hit the bottle all day long. #warondrugs #lockemupyoung

– Obama Weighs Republican Nevada Governor for Supreme Court

Finds Him Too Heavy for SCOTUS Weight Class

– University of California Softens Anti-Semitism Statement

“We didn’t mean to say we’re absolutely against anti-semitism. Of course you can still single Jews out for their stinginess, nose size, and bizarre religious rituals. We simply meant to draw a line between good humored racism and Hitler jokes. Everyone knows it’s too soon for Hitler jokes. We apologize for any confusion.”

– Brussels Bombing May Have Targeted Americans: US Lawmaker

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. This is not about us. At all. In any way! Get over yourself.

– US Prosecuting Fewer Drug Offenses: Justice Deptartment

…except for ones committed by babies. #alwaysvigilant

– Rookie Iditarod Musher Battles to Last-Place Finish in Alaska

“Sure, we could do an article about the winners, but we need to feel better about ourselves this week. Let’s run this story detailing just how much of a pathetic loser this lady is.” “Good idea, Sal. Make sure you talk about how much money, time, and effort she put into it for nothing.” “Wouldn’t dream of leaving that out.”

– Ga. Parents Offended by Yoga, Get ‘Namaste’ Banned From School

I can see why a greeting of respect might rub these people the wrong way.

– Here’s What Happened When Homeowners Used HARP

The clouds parted in, and rays of light shown down on the cherubs descending from on high.

– NC LGBT Law May Mar NBA All-Star Game

At first I was all “huh??” because of the two seemingly unrelated topics mashed together, but then I read the article. The NBA is officially taking a stance against a new NC law that bans local municipalities from making non-discriminatory ordinances designed to protect Ls, Gs, Bs and Ts. The NBA just called out NC. Well played, NBA. *pun ALWAYS intended*

– As Tensions Escalate, Cruz Calls Trump A ‘Sniveling Coward’

Look at that Canadian, trying to be all tough like a big kid. Aw.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

The science equivalent to a kindergarten art project.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

You know, I joke, but the more I think about this, the more unsettling it becomes. They’re making ORGANISMS. Life forms. BEINGS of some sort, and they’ve got no idea at all what that being is. What its intentions are.

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

…okay, maybe I’m overreacting a little bit. I mean, how bad could it really be, right? It’s just a tiny little organism in some petri dish in a lab. I’m sure it’s secure. I’m sure the lab follows standard clean room procedures and there’s no chance of the new being dividing and spawning, somehow gaining sentience and finding a way out of the lab stuck to the underside of the scientist’s briefcase, thus being unwittingly released into a world that doesn’t understand it and that it does not understand in return, which will no doubt cause feelings of turmoil and confusion that quickly escalate to frustration and anger, igniting a desire for revenge on those who took the identity of Creator without understanding the true responsibility they had toward their creation…

– Scientists Create Tiniest Life Form Yet, Not Sure What It Is

I was wrong. There is no other hand to this. RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Thus concludes a Roundup for Friday, March 25, 2016. I’m off to get all greasy. Not in a sexy way. Unless you’re a freak, you sicko.

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And so, we meet again…

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Mornin’ all.

Pat Benatar is belting it out on the radio right now giving me the urge to snap my fingers and jerk my shoulder in a sassy fashion. I’m drinking my coffee tempered with chocolate milk this morning, the delicious result of my man’s store ordering way too much and having to sell it at half price just to clear the shelves…

*Top Tip: If your SO comes home with two gallons of chocolate milk, definitely add it to your morning coffee. I feel fancy. Like I’m drinking those International Cafe drinks the ads used to make seem so sexy. I’m still drinking it out of an old salsa jar, so not fancy fancy. I’m not letting it go to my head or anything. But I’m definitely feeling upper middle class redneck. Ooh la la. Maybe I’ll really treat myself and let Calgon take me away later.*

…and the pup is going to try it on Special K for breakfast. It’s going to be an icky weekend for me. I know this. However, I can’t fault the start. Perhaps it won’t be so bad after all.

So how’s it going?

I feel like I haven’t been on in ages. This week we had beautiful weather.

Let me clarify. It’s been March in NH beautiful. No Bermuda shorts and tank tops or anything, but it was perfect weather for working outside on the cars. I was doing repairs on two of them, and a mad-dash stripping parts out of another so we can get it out of here before the next one arrives.

*Important message: These are hoopdies I can make money off, folks, so don’t get the wrong idea. I know I already put on airs about my coffee, but let’s keep it all in perspective. Salsa. Jar. Coffee cup. We didn’t hit powerball. It’s not like I’m having to Tetris Lambos around Ferraris to fit them in the drive. We just got lucky and hit a string of rusty money makers.*

I was scrambling to get $$ off the parts car, stacking bits and doodads up like a pro. And then yesterday hit. We’ll call that chapter, “The Day of Reckoning,” in which our brave heroine literally becomes the victim of her own hoarding when parts go a’tumblin’ to and fro and on her foot.

“Oh, Bethie.”

Hey, in my own defense, we stripped out three cars over the winter. People don’t buy car parts for their projects until spring. I went into the deal knowing I’d just have to…uh…creatively stack the stuff. I knew space would get temporarily tight again.

A couple weeks ago, my man looked at the room and said, “We need one big tool chest instead of all these small ones.”

He was right, because we’ve got tools spread far and wide and it would be lovely to have them all in one location so every repair doesn’t turn into another round of “If I was a wire cutter, where would I be?” Don’t get me wrong. I like that game. I just get sick of playing it every fucking time.

Gets old.

The tool chest is a three part-er he got at one helluva deal from Harbor Freight. I don’t know how many of you use tools, but if you do and you don’t shop online at Harbor Freight, you’re missing out on sweet, sweet savings. Even with the shipping, the unit cost less than half of what it would have cost locally. Taking the price as a sign of organizational fate, he ordered it.

The Tool Chest of Awesomeness arrived.

It arrived before I could sell some parts.

It arrived amid the mess, sitting empty, eyeballing the piles of tools longingly.

“I can be so useful if you just let me,” The Tool Chest of Awesomeness said as I stood stirring regular milk into my coffee yesterday morning like some uncultured swine.

That combined with the alternator deciding to obey physics and crush my toe gave me a reality check. It was clear that I had to put the wrenches down for the day and dive into the hoard. The Tool Chest of Awesomeness is right…it CAN be useful. I would definitely have more usable space if I can get the other tool boxes out of the way. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

…and then rolled one sleeve back down to mop up my tears of helpless frustration a few hours later when it felt like nothing would ever be right in the world again.

I get overwhelmed, folks. I think it’s part of the hoarding deal. I reach a point where it honestly feels as if there is no hope. That point used to stop me.

Let’s be clear. That feeling, that brick wall, is not a matter of boredom. It’s not like I get halfway through an organizational project and am like, “Meh, screw it. I wanna go glitter something.” I mean, of course I *always* want to glitter something, but that’s not what stops me in a cleaning project. Glitter can wait.

No, in those moments, it’s not a matter of boredom, nor is it laziness. It’s a war inside, because I most definitely, absolutely want to finish the task. I just get an almost consuming feeling that I cannot do it. That I, personally, do not have the ability to put things in a sensical order and that I’m an idiot for even trying.

Like I said, that used to stop me. Now, if I’m working on my own, I step back, wipe my tears, and make a list.

*Sidenote to my big sister: Yeah, yeah…yuk it up You win. THIS TIME.*

I’ll write down the ideas, take a break, and wait until I can go over it with someone before continuing.

Yesterday I didn’t need the list because I had something better: The kids. The teens had no school, and the pup had a half day. Boy, are the kids good at talking me out of my own head. I called Teen Prime in when I started to feel like it was too much and I wasn’t enough and he knew what to say to keep me moving forward.

I just need to know in those moments that my idea will work, because my head tells me it won’t so loudly that I get muddled and can’t tell the difference. If I can tell someone else the plan and they think it’ll work, I get rejuvenated. I just need someone else to say, “I agree.”

“You just need to learn to tell yourself you can do it, Bethie.”

Dude, I just rolled my eyes so hard it put every teenage girl throughout history to shame.

See, that’s the thing, folks. If it’s not your issue, of course that’s what you think. Of course you look at me and say, “Just believe.” I’ve heard that over and over about all kinds of my, uh, we’ll call them “quirks”. “If you just…” “You don’t need someone else to validate…” “You need to love you and embrace your inner power and trust in your feministic magic vagina yadda yadda yadda blah blah…”

GAH ENOUGH!!!

Yes. I *should* be able to know that I can clean a fucking room, for gawd’s sake. I mean, it’s just a room. It’s stuff. Put it in stacks that make sense, throw out what I don’t use, and move on. It doesn’t have to be such a goddamn ordeal.

But it is.

That’s how my head works. Logically I agree 100% that it’s “just” and I “should”. Thinking about the car work I did this week, all of it is arguably much more difficult on the skill scale. Don’t take this the wrong way, but can you weld a cracked door panel back together without warping it when the break goes through not one, but two critical bolt holes? Because I did. I didn’t even think twice before diving into the job, either. I saw the crack, got out the welding supplies, and went for it.

Yet, I see a messy room and it’s like I’ve been dumped into the middle of someone’s brain surgery, handed a scalpel, and told, “You’re his only chance now. Don’t fuck this up.”

Don’t you have those “things”? Isn’t there something you look at another person doing and think jealously to yourself, “It looks so easy. WHY can’t I do that?”

So no, I’m not enough to be my own pep-talker. Maybe someday it’ll be easier for me, and I will be enough to talk myself out of that rut. For now, I need an “attaboy” from another source. At least I understand and accept that. At least I figured out how to work with what I’ve got, not just wish for something different.

Have you had enough of my personal psychoanalysis? Yeah, me too. Let’s get back on track.

Anyway, I got a good chunk done yesterday. Today is going to be jam packed, but this evening I should be able to finish up with the parts organizing and get to where I can roll out all the other tool boxes and fill the new Tool Chest of Awesomeness.

I can’t wait to get that puppy all set up. I get to use a label maker for its intended purpose, not just to annoy the kids by labeling all of their stuff. I mean, I’m still going to do that, too. How else would they know a pencil is a pencil? But I finally have something that actually requires legit labeling.

Pat Benatar was a fluke. The radio station went to something very Bieber-esque, so I decided to switch to the pc and Sia is now blasting through my headphones. Fire is meeting gasoline right now and it’s a beautiful thing. It’s getting me pumped. That’s a good thing. I need to be jazzed right now.

Sia. Fancy coffee. Tool Chest of Awesomeness. A label maker locked and loaded. And you putting up with my shit for awhile to help me clear my head.

Okay then. *deep breath* Unto the breach!

Thus concludes an emo Musing for Saturday, March 19, 2016. *clickity click* Hear that? I just made a label that says, “fancy milk.” …what? I have to warm up the label maker somehow.

Cold, gray, possibly snowy. Yep, it’s March.

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Mornin’ all.

Many years ago, my dad came over for a BBQ. He brought with him the usual array of snacks for the kiddies, only this time, he also had something for me. Two somethings, actually. The first was a Chop Wizard, and the second was a Magic Slicer.

Remember those? The amazing kitchen gadgets you see advertised on TV by people who have no idea how to use a knife. You put the tomato in the Chop Wizard and fall back on your long forgotten “Whack-A-Mole” skills to smack the top of the unit and mush the tomato through a grid of slightly sharp blades to make “perfect” salsa-sized tomato blobs.

The Magic Slicer is just a more maniacal version of a kitchen mandolin. You jab a potato with the medieval torture device, then whish whish whish it over the blade to create perfect potato chip slices (as long as you don’t mind your potato chips have Swiss cheese style holes all through them), the whole time promising yourself that no matter how cumbersome the safety holder is you’ll never slice without it…knowing damn well you most certainly will.

Ah, made for TV products. They’re the best!

So Dad came over, handed out the snacks, and then gave me the gadgets. I said, “Wow. Thanks! Uh, why?”

At first he tried to tell me that he just thought I’d like them. But here’s the thing about my dad. He had no poker face. It’s an annoying trait I inherited, in fact. I knew, I just KNEW something was fishy. I pressed and of course he folded. He always folded when pressed. Also a trait I unfortunately inherited.

Turns out Dad had a few too many and got bored one night, broke out his credit card and listened to the infomercials. He didn’t even remember ordering anything. He said one day, two of each showed up at his house. He checked his bank statements, and it was, indeed, a night he knew he couldn’t remember, and he was, in fact, a compulsive shopper. He had two of each, because you MUST get the second one free (plus shipping and processing), and decided to give the spares to me.

Flash forward to yesterday. I was watching daytime TV while working on a project, and an ad came up for an automatic can opener. Have you seen this one? The Tucan. You set it on top of the can, push a button, and it opens the can for you every time. How DOES it do it? Is it magic? No! The secret is in the patented roller, don’t you know. Boy, those old ladies on the ad really sell it, too.

Anyway, I watched it and just really missed my dad. It’s weird little things that bring it all back, isn’t it?

Consequently, I wouldn’t be opposed to anyone taking a page out of his book and drunk-ordering me a “free” second Toucan. You know. In honor of Dad and all.

Bah. Let’s not get all melancholy today. It’s melancholy enough outside as it is. It’s turned chilly again, with threats of sky dandruff falling later. I don’t need that shit. I need sunshine and blue skies.

With that in mind, let’s do something to pep us up.

“You don’t mean…”

Yes, I do.

“But you’ve been doing a lot of them lately, Bethie.”

Eh, I’ve needed a lot of pepping up. It’s the end of winter in New England. I’m not alone in my need to find a cheery outlet.

“But…”

Dude. Don’t harsh my mellow. It’s gray and cloudy outside, I’ve got dead people on my mind, and my raging heartburn is letting me know I’m overdue for my 14 day patch job on the acid reflux issue (thanks for those genes, too, Pop!). I thought you liked it when I…

“…I do! It’s just…”

Then sit back, relax, and have some fun because we’re doing a….

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

*catchy theme music* *Irish jig routine by the go-go dancers*

Look at them go! They wanted to test out their St. Patrick’s Day routine to get some practice in. I don’t know what they were worried about…it was fantastic! I’m not a fan of the pipers in the band, but they’ve got a couple weeks to sort it out. Good job, everyone!

Okay, so if you’ve read any of these Musings, you’re familiar with the concept. The world is full of stories, and some of them aren’t presented in the best way. I scour the news sites for headlines that jump out at me. Some are poorly worded, some are batshit crazy, and others just put an image in my head that must be shared. As always, every single headline is 100% real. I just add the MSG-free comments after. Let’s begin!

– Bald Eagles are Adapting to City Life

It took them awhile to learn to fly to work in single file so they could experience beak to tail grid lock, but they’re getting the hang of it.

– Oregon Goats on a Mission to Deplete Invasive Species Go Rogue

I love this. I love just knowing that somewhere in Oregon, there’s a badass band of rogue goats. Sorry, Oregonian peeps. You know that shit’s funny.

– IT SPEAKS! Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Speaks to Court

*loud screech of record* …”it?” “IT??!!” Guys, this was from the Daily Mail. Granted, it’s a rag…but it’s a large rag. An international news organization. “IT?!” W. T. F.

– Apple Lawyer, FBI to Face Off Before Congress

Sunday SUNday Sunday come on down to the congressional arena to watch a no-holds-barred slugfest…

– University President Resigns After Comparing Students to Bunnies

He had to resign because he called the kids….bunnies? And millennials wonder why we think they’re overly sensitive.

– Illinois School Apologizes for Slave Auction Skit

I’mma go out on a limb and guess that this school uses articles from the Daily Mail in their Current Events classes.

– EPA Head: Flint Water Crisis is Personal

Whoa dude, put the tin foil hat away. It wasn’t personal. No one said, “Gee, you know who we’d like to screw? This one guy in particular.” No, they wanted to screw EVERY guy in particular. Ego much?

– Abortion At the Supreme Court

Wake up, America. So many abortion clinics have been closed that women now have to travel to the Supreme Court to have them done! #outraged

– Russia’s Economy Has Tanked, So Why is Putin Smiling?

Gee, I wonder.

– Trump’s Message Resonates With White Supremacists

#NoShitGazettetop10

– Hubble Breaks Cosmic Record, Captures Most Distant Galaxy

Yeah, but that’s like the dude who eats light bulbs bragging that he ate 15 this year instead of 14. Is there really enough competition for it to be newsworthy?

– Scientists Claim to Prove Banksy’s Real Identity

I didn’t read the article because I want to believe Banksy is really a little old lady, and I don’t want my hopes and dreams shattered.

– Mexico Won’t Pay For Trump’s ‘Terrible’ Wall: Minister

‘S cool, Mexico. No one really thought you would.

– Military Beginning to Recruit Women for Combat Jobs

It is a sad state of affairs when the friggin’ MILITARY is more progressive in its attitudes towards women than the government. #gottatraveltoDCforabortions

– Spooked Police Horse Tosses Officer, Roams Times Square

Spooked my ass. That horse heard about the rogue goats and wanted in on that action.

– Family Discovers Wrong Person in Late Woman’s Clothes and Casket

Not surprised. While everyone always focuses on the brain eating, the number one crime committed by zombies is actually casket jacking. #lockyocasketshideyograndmas

– Woman Finds 9-foot Gator in Her Pool

A swim buddy! Nice.

– Slushy Mix Today- More Glimpses of April Next Week- February Was 6th Warmer Than Average Month in A Row

Last Snow Storm Wasn’t All That Special- When I Was A Kid We Had This One Lulu Of A Winter- Maybe Summer Will Be Super Hot- Oh, Now I Feel A Few Drops Starting to Fall- Say, Any Idea Whatever Happened to Toboggan Parties? Remember Those? With Hot Cider- Gee I Miss Hot Cider- Whoowhee That Wind Is Kicking Up- Better Watch Your Umbrellas!-….

– High School Teacher Whose Sexy Photos Were Shared by Student Wants Job Back

Uh yeah no.

– Trudeau: Americans Should Pay More Attention to the World

I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you over the roar of the literal talking penis.

– Trump References Penis Size in GOP Debate

Ha! And you thought I was just making an excuse, didn’t you Trudeau?

– Trump References Penis Size in GOP Debate

But for real, that happened. That is a thing that honestly, definitely happened. A candidate that millions of Americans somehow seriously consider a viable option for PRESIDENT made reference to the size of his junk on a nationally televised debate. I…I just…

– UN Envoy: Syria Cease-fire Is Holding Despite Some Fighting

Um, Mr. UN Envoy? I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job, but I’m worried that you might not understand the definition of the term “cease-fire,” and that seems like it might just be a tad important in your line of work.

– Teen Accused of Posing As Doctor Re-arrested

This kid is all over the news. He’s been exposed multiple times now for pretending to be a doctor and performing actual exams and procedures on people. I get it in the beginning. If you don’t know, I can see how someone could be conned. But he’s now been arrested for the THIRD time for the SAME con in the SAME town! HOW DO PEOPLE KEEP FALLING FOR THIS!?!…

– Millions Still Support Trump in Spite of Recent Negativity in Media

…hm. *strokes beard* You make a compelling argument.

– Daycare Teacher Convicted of Cruelty in ‘Baby Fight Club’

Yep. Exactly what it sounds like. And don’t worry, you’re not alone in the karmic hit you just took from laughing at the mental image. Pretty sure we all have some good deeds to perform now.

– Texas Shooter Evades Police Capture by Fleeing on a Hoverboard

wut. WUT. Those things go like 5 miles an hour. How, Texas? HOW.

– Read the Presidential Candidates’ Latest Tweets

Thanks, I’ll pass. This coffee’s already sitting weird on the tummy and I don’t want to push it.

– New App Can Help Non-doctors Determine Cause of Death

I was just saying to my hubby the other day how annoying it is to have to wait for a coroner to determine how someone died every time I find a body. Finally, an app I can actually use!

– Mass Effect Andromeda Delayed Till Next Year, EA Exec. Reveals

*lone tear slowly makes its way down limp, sad face*

– N. Korea, on Defensive After Sanctions, Makes Nuclear Threat

If there is a single person alive who honestly does not understand that THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT TRUMP WOULD DO, then I really fear for society. #truth

– Check In With This Dinosaur At Japan’s Robot Hotel

I choose to believe that this is a hotel for robots run by dinosaurs. “But Bethie…” NO.

– Farmer Spells Out “No Trump” In Manure

Yeah, pretty much.

– Message In A Bottle Travels 3,600 Miles From New York to France

But did anyone help or is there still someone stuck on Staten Island?! Dear gawd, get down there and save him right now!

– Thief Returns Stolen Painting With A Note of Apology

“Sorry I took your Cezanne. Thought my lady was into post-impressionism, but she says if I was listening, I’d know that was a phase, and cubism is what’s hot right now. My bad.”

– Russian Man Creates World’s Smallest Book

Not much to do up there in there winter, eh?

– The Latest: Elton John, Katy Perry Campaign for Clinton

Didn’t we kind of draw the line with Brits in our political arena quite awhile ago? Benny, cool your jets and butt out of our clusterfuck election.

– Lost Wallet is Returned to Woman’s Home With Note Criticizing Her Spending Habits

My eyes hurt they’re rolling so hard.

– Atheist Lawmaker’s Prayer Sets Off Arizona House Dispute

Hey fuckheads, stop praying at your governmental sessions. End of dispute. #yourreligionisnotMYgovernment

– Donald Trump Just Showed Us the Kind of General Election Campaign He’ll Run

“Just?” Where’s this “just” coming from? Where have you been for the last year?

– School Bus Full of Kids Loses 2 Wheels on Way to School

Trust the Midas touch…

– Lifelike Velociraptor Invades Australia in Hunt for Jurassic World

Japan, you better get your bellhops in check.

– Killer Who Ate Friend’s Brain is Denied Parole for 5th Time

Even the killer’s got to understand why. He has to be like, “Yeah, I just figured it was worth a shot.”

– Wrongest Things That Ever Happened on Sesame St.

“Wrongest.” That’s really what you’re going with? That’s the best “you” to present to the world?

– Rare ‘Super Bloom’ Carpets Death Valley in Gold

I just like knowing that exists, especially on gloomy days. Look up photos. You will not be sorry.

And one more hopeful one to end things on an upswing:

– Repeating Fast Radio Bursts Found Coming from Outside Our Galaxy

YAAASSSS!!!! FINALLY!!!! Here. Lemme hang out the sign…

aliens

Thus concludes a ramble with some headlines for Friday, March 4, 2016. I’m off to prepare my return broadcast for the aliens. What should I say? “Greetings?” Nah, too cliche. “I welcome you in peace.” WTF? Lame. Maybe I should just keep it simple? “‘Sup?” Bah. I’m overthinking this. I’m sure it’ll come to me.