If you stick your hand through a portal to another dimension, what would you want to pull out?

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Mornin’ all,

I woke up in the middle of the night with a burning sci fi question and it didn’t resolve itself through subsequent dreams. Thought I’d pop on here and run it by my fellow geeks. It’s pretty heavy, so you might want to shotgun that coffee first.

“Did YOU make the coffee, Bethie?”

Nope. Teen3.0 did, and he makes it the best out of any of us. It’s still that Maxwell House bullshit, but I’ve had a whole cup already and it hasn’t popped, sizzled, or wept softly once. ‘S good. Chug-a-lug, because I need all your neurons firing.

“*tentative sip* I feel a slight tingle…”

You’re just gun shy from the last time you were over, when the coffee gained sentience and claimed to be a dark overlord who wanted to eat your firstborn. Come on, down the hatch.

“*shrug* *gulp* Am I still alive?”

Truly alive for the very first time. Now, set the cup down, put on some smarty pants think-y glasses, and furrow that brow so I know you’re really giving this problem your all. Ready?

“Hrm, yes, quite.”

Ooh, beard stroking! Nice touch.

Okay, so here’s the question:

If the cosmic “you” was somehow able to reach into a different universe and pull from it an object to bring into our own universe, upsetting the balance of matter, what would be the logical result? Would something in our universe have to be destroyed to compensate? Or would our universe simply adjust and adapt? And if it would adjust and adapt, wouldn’t that still have a limit? How much new matter could be crammed into our universe before SOMETHING had to give? And how, exactly, would that straw break the camel’s back? Would things start imploding? Mini black holes? Or would there be a larger, more catastrophic collapse? How about dimensions? Are different dimensions part of our universe or part of a separate one? If they’re part of our universe, then moving one thing from that dimension to this shouldn’t matter in terms of, well, matter, should it? And how would one know that they’ve reached into a different dimension rather than a different universe entirely? Is there a litmus test? Any telltale signs that their thievery is only a moral problem and not an actual threat to the very fabric of the entire universe?!

*deep sigh of relief*

Boy, feels good just to get it all out! I have been chawin’ on this one for hours and my man, who is normally an incredible sounding board for these types of questions, was snoring so peacefully that I didn’t want to wake him.

Here’s the set up that brought about the midnight think fest:

I had a dream that “I” figured out a way to open a portal. Kind of standard sci fi. I didn’t know where the portal lead, but when I looked through, the world seemed very similar to our own. I didn’t actually travel through the portal, because apparently I am still a chicken in my dreams, but I saw a little table and screwed up my courage to grab it and pull it back into the field where I was sitting in this world.

“Hold the phone, Bethie. You had a dream where you could actually reach into a different friggin’ universe/dimension and take any number of strange, new objects, and you chose to bring back a TABLE?”

…I…well, the thing is…it’s just that…

*sigh*

Yes. Yes, I did. I stole a table. The first relic I chose to bring into this world from another was a table.

“*snort*”

Can we stay on topic, please? The object doesn’t matter. I took something from there, brought it here, and then freaked the hell out. In my dream, I sat there next to the portal, holding the table and panicking.

See, a generally accepted theory is that universal matter is finite and must remain balanced. Matter is neither created nor destroyed blah blah stars-n-shit. Lots of sci fi works within this concept. Some does not. I’m trying to figure out which side of the coin is more plausible. And not just for a story. I legitimately want to know the answer.

I guess it would depend on a few key factors, huh? First, we’d have to know if there are other universes, or if we’re the only one. Then we’d need some sort of understanding on the nature of dimensions. Are they planes within our own universe, or do they indeed offer a way into another? And that whole matter in a delicate balance concept that geeks and brains alike tend to lean on…is that actually factual, or just an easier way to avoid the “then what the hell is churning out new matter!?” question?

So many layers. And all over a table.

It was a neat little table, though. When I was a kid, my Grammie had a huge spider plant which sat on a tall, thin white table with a mosaic inlay on the top. I can remember that little table more clearly than a lot of other memories from childhood because my brain is a silly organ that remembers the weirdest useless shit. Now, the table from the other dimension drew my attention just as that one did and…

…wait a minute.

Hang on now. Was I…I mean, did I…could I possibly have opened up a time travel portal instead of the inter-dimensional rift!?!? Is that what the dream was really about?

HOLY SHIT. What if that was the case? What if I was drawn to the table because I KNEW that table?

…whooooaaaa…

Dreams, man. Dayum. I’mma have to think on that one for awhile.

My questions still stand, though. No matter which message I was supposed to glean from the dream, I’d kind of like to know if there really is a finite amount of matter allowed in our universe. That seems important. If the answer is yes, then we know what we shouldn’t do. If it’s no, then we know all we can do.

And yes, I know a lot of big brains have been mulling this one over for a long time. I don’t think the brainiacs that do this for a living are going to crack the code and find the answers. I think it’s actually going to be solved by sci fi fans. I really do. Think about it. We’re not bogged down in numbers and the politics of respecting the theories of our colleagues. We’re not wrapped up in the rest of the scientific community. We don’t have a personal stake beyond our deep hunger, so we’re far more willing to look at all possibilities. We’re not driven by a paycheck, or a thirst for fame. We’re simply driven by the story.

And what better story is there than the universe itself?

Thus concludes a look into the abyss for Thursday, February 25, 2016. I’m off to contemplate the time travel twist while I clean my dining room. Yes, I’m cleaning the hoard. Or, trying to, anyway. It is shockingly a lot harder to UNhoard than to “rapidly acquire,” as Teen3.0 kindly puts it. Now, I don’t know if any inter-universal beings read my blog. But, if any do and they want to rip open a portal into my dining room and start taking relics, I’d turn a blind eye. Especially if you hit that back corner. Take anything you want from there. Hell, take it all. Consider it a cultural exchange.

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If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably just the illuminati screwing with you.

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Mornin’ all.

Holy mamajama am I awake. Maxwell House was on sale. I hate Maxwell House, but it was on sale. Sale trumps taste buds every time. We decided to give it another chance, so we picked up a blend called “Smooth Bold.” It was half right. Hooo baby is this shit strong. You ever feel your heartbeat in your eyeballs?

Go ahead and grab a cup, but please use the spare high test ceramic crucible today. I don’t think the titanium one I normally provide will withstand this kind of abuse.

You know, now that I’m used to it, the twitchy beat in my vision is kind of soothing. *siiiip* *spasm* *slight frying sound* Yeah. I can dig it.

Hey, guess what I got?

No, really. Guess.

Come on. It’s no fun if you don’t play along. I’ll help you out with a hint: It doesn’t rhyme with “turtle shell.”

…nothing? *sigh* Fine. I’ll just tell you, killjoy.

I got my new computer parts! They’re right over that way *nods right* and if you could see them, you’d be oohing and ahhing. We started light and just replaced the most likely culprits. So far so good, though, and I’m hoping we eenie meenie-d correctly. I haven’t crashed once this morning, knock wood. The old beast has life in her once again!

So what’s new? I feel like I haven’t done this in ages. It’s been kind of a clusterfuck around here. I had a mad dash to get two cars stripped of parts so we could get them to the scrap yard. Did you know that mixed scrap is going for less than $50/ton right now?? Oy. I wish I had pulled MORE parts off since the weight didn’t matter all that much.

Anyway, after they were pulled, I spent a few days getting all the tidbits cleaned and ready to photograph for the eBay spread. It’s hard to make a CCU box look sexy and alluring, but I’mma do my best.

Hmmm…..I wonder if draping a feather boa over it would sell it faster? I said I want the parts to look sexy and alluring to be cheeky, but now I am legitimately curious. Think I’m on to something?

The hardest thing about selling used car parts on eBay is taking pictures that make them stand out in the crowd. Think anyone has ever tried the sexy angle? Lusty feather boa for the CCU. Flirty Mardi Gras mask for the uncracked and unfaded OEM MBZ-tex visor set (buy it now for only $75! Wow what a steal!) to give them that “come hither” look. I could stick fake lashes on the tail lights…but come on. They’re TAIL LIGHTS. Nothing more needed to make those babies break the internet. Hubba hubba.

*strokes beard in contemplation* I bet they would sell better. Hm…Sounds crazy.

“IS crazy, Bethie.”

Potato, potahto.

Anyway, if I decide to stage a glamour shoot for sexy car parts, I’ll be sure to let you know, perv.

Aside from car stuff, there’s been kid stuff, life stuff, and house stuff. Kid stuff can be nutshelled: pup won an M&M guessing contest, and teens are growing up WAY too fast. Life stuff…nah. We’ll ignore it and hope it goes away. That’s my go-to plan, and it’s been working for 37 years, albeit with varying levels of success. I see no reason to mix it up now. The house stuff is a same-story-different-broken-oven-handle kind of deal.

So, what do we do when we want to gab but don’t really want to get into anything real, serious, or really, seriously boring? Why, we search the internet news sites to see if anything fun, stupid, or silly pops out at us, of course!

Ladies, if you would take the stage. Michaneaux, you ready? (He’s our guest conductor. Doesn’t speak much English, but he can count the band into a catchy theme song like a mofo.) Then drop the balloons and shoot off the confetti cannon, because it’s time for a…

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP !!! * * *

*wild applause* See? See what I mean about Michaneaux? Not a single trumpet player lagged on the crescendo, and you know how much skill THAT takes! It’s like trying to wrangle cats! Well done! Bravo!

Wow. With a start like that, how can this be anything but amazingly fun? Regulars know the routine. For any newbs, a Roundup happens when I want to gab, quip, or be snarky. I scour the internet news sites for headlines that jump out at me. Some are bad. Some are stupid. Some are just plain funny. I round them up and present them here for your amusement. These headlines are 100% real. I just add the commentary.

Shall we begin?

– GoFundMe Campaign to Help Kanye Out Of His Debt

If you donate, I will never speak to you again. I mean it. That’s my no give.

– Hockey Player Penalized for Ridiculous Flop

As well he should be! There was no style, no flair, no pizzazz. If you’re going to fake an injury, at least put some heart into it.

– North Korea’s Girl Band is Back, Celebrating Rocket Launch

I wonder if they all tripped and fell in a pile of failure when they tried to begin their routine. You know, keeping with the theme and all.

– Conspiracy Theories Swirl Around Justice Scalia’s Death

Say, remember when conspiracy theories were fun? Or at least a little plausible?? Gawd I miss the 90s.

– Val Kilmer Spotted Without Breathing Aid Amid Health Rumors

Watch it, Val. They’re gunna git you next! #fuckinilluminati,man

– Which Candidates Scare Americans the Most?

At this point, I’d say damn near all of them.

– “Monkey” Spotted Sitting Atop Rocks on Mars

90s flashback!! Yay!! Okay, let’s play along. Was it a macaque? No! I got it. Spider monkey. Right? #we’reontoyouNASA

– Obama: “I Intend to Do My Job. I Expect [Senators] To Do Theirs As Well.”

BOOM. Argue it, GOP.

– Teen Accused of Running Fake Medical Practice

I’m torn. I know it’s bad. Bad, Doogie. Bad. But, admit it. You sort of think anyone who fell for it kind of deserved what they got, too, don’t you?

– 100-million Year Old Ant Fight Preserved in Amber

If you didn’t instantly picture these ants in full armor with the score from 300 playing in the background, then I don’t know if our friendship can last.

– Police: Japanese Mom Made Teen Eat 30 Pet Goldfish

Forget “helicopter parenting” or being a “tiger mom.” The parenting style for the new age is Spetsnazing. Make sure you force your kids to name their pets before eating them, or else you’re totally disrespecting the spirit of the movement.

– FBI Finds Trench of Human Feces at Cultural Site of Oregon Standoff

In fairness, where did you want them to shit? Of all the available choices, in a trench away from the artifacts was probably more than you should have expected.

– Americans Divided on Military, New Poll Shows

Old poll shows, ALL polls have EVER shown. Why is this news?

– The Parmesan You Sprinkle on Your Penne Could Be Wood

The first line of the article is, “The cheese police are on the case.” I didn’t read any further. It was perfect with that one sentence.

– The Army’s Runaway Blimp Escaped Due to…Dead Batteries

I clicked on the link only to get bummed out when I saw no one had photoshopped an Energizer Bunny onto the pic yet. I’m disappointed in you, internet. I expected more.

– German Shorthaired Pointer Wins 140th Westminster

I’m sure that trophy will be a comfort to the dog when he’s suffering and bedridden at a young age due to the chronic health conditions from inbreeding. His hips might already be giving out, but hey…didn’t his nose look perfect.

– Trump Is A ——-: Candidate Plays Fill-in-the-blanks With Voters

Too easy. Writes itself. Pass.

– An Underground Fire Burns Next To Toxic Waste…Don’t Worry, Says EPA

Conspiracy friends, HOW can you possibly have time to make shit up about Scalia when THIS IS ACUTALLY HAPPENING?? Why, with just a little effort, this can be Obama’s fault, too! Do you even want to be credible anymore? It’s like you’re not even trying.

– Eagles of Deathmetal Performs in Paris for Attack Survivors

Seriously? Haven’t those poor folks been through enough already?

– Jesus Does Not Want You To Be Hit Men, Pope Tells Mexican Youth

This pontiff sure doesn’t shy away from setting new Vatican policy, does he?

– Inmates Develop Passion Through Photo Class

Uh, what kind of photos you takin’ over there?

– Cops: Wife Beat Man With Bat Over Lack of Valentine’s Present

With such a kind and loving disposition as she clearly has, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t get her a gift.

– American Army Develops Pizza That Can Last Over 3 Years

And folks say American ingenuity is dead. Pfft.

– Where Does Clicking On TedCruzForAmerica.com Take You?

Canada.

– Where Does Clicking On TedCruzForAmerica.com Take You?

AW SNAP! I said that for a joke, but…it does! It takes you to a pro-Canadian Immigration page! Faith in the internet RESTORED!

– Clinton’s Candidacy Reveals Generational Schism Among Women

Actually a really good article with surprisingly astute analysis. However, this is the internet, so I think I have to throw out a passive aggressive sarcastic “schism? Uh, next time a TRIGGER WARNING would be nice!” quip. You understand.

– Rapper Killer Mike Faces Flak for Comment At Sanders Rally

He said that “a uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president,” and a few Twitholes flipped their shit. He’s right, though. No one should be elected because of the type of reproductive organs they’ve got. Period. …or no period.

– Cruz: No Gluten-free MREs For the Troops

That’s what you’re going with, Ted? That’s the straw you’re grasping to try and save your campaign?

– The Best AI Still Flunks 8th Grade Science

Dude, do you have any idea how long it took to invent pizza that will last three years?! Some projects are simply more important than others, and when dealing with a tight budget, sacrifices have to be made. In the future when you don’t yet have a functional AI life assistant, BUT can still eat that leftover pizza you forgot about in the back of the fridge for a year and a half, you’ll see it was money well spent.

– DICE Summit a Chance For Game Creators to Refresh, Reflect

Gaming now has corporate team building conferences. *heavy sigh of defeat* Let the sadness sink in.

– Now Children Can Print Their Own Toys Thanks to Mattel ThingMaker 3D Printer

My birthday is in April. If you order now, there’s plenty of time for shipping. Just sayin’.

– The First TEDx Talk Is Happening On A Plane, But You Weren’t Invited

Wow, it’s like prom all over again.

– Three Reasons Why Your Cybersecurity Plan Needs Revised

What cycbersecurity plan?… But that’s not my real problem with this headline. Is this a British thing? Ignoring “to be”? “Your cybersecurity plan needs revised.” It reads like a robot, which we know is silly because they’re not even as advanced as 8th graders yet and wouldn’t care a whit about something as adult and boring as cybersecurity. The trend seems to be popping up all over the news sites. What’s the matter with “to be?” Why leave it out? What did “to be” ever do to you!?

– The Men Who Stare At Laundry

Men? What men? Who are these men? Why are they staring at laundry? Whose laundry is it? Is it mine? It’s mine, right? Are they going to steal my panties out of the dryer again!? GODDAMN IT FRED.

– Just 2 Protesters Show Up for Anti-Beyonce Rally

I know it’s not nice, but I love a failed protest. Can’t help it. Imagine those sad social justice warriors waving their floppy little banners while literally everyone else did not give a damn. Heh heh. Warms the cockles.

– Service Puppy Meets Pluto and Can’t Believe It

“Are you shitting me with this crap? It’s a man in a fucking suit. I’m a dog, not a moron.”

– Woman Did the Most Bizarre Thing With Her Passport

Aaaannnnd we’re done. That’s it. Pack up. Go home.

“Aw, but Bethie…”

NO. This is the internet. You know where this is going. I know where this is going. And once it’s taken that turn, there’s no coming back to decency and honor. I’m sorry, but instead of wallowing in the gutter, I’m just going to have to call this one.

Don’t blame me. Blame Obama.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Wednesday, February 17, 2016. I’m off to go take pictures of the car parts like one of my French girls. Should I go modern, with 3D, or keep it classic with the hazy filter? You know what? I’mma just be in the moment and see what happens. That’s art, baby.

Can we actually get through this without a crash?!

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Mornin’ all.

My computer is still screwed.

Every time I think I’ve got it, it’s another trip to Crash City for me. I don’t know how long we have this morning before everything locks in a frozen, bitter wasteland, but it’s been awhile since we’ve chatted, and I just HAVE to write something.

I’ve got to be quick, though. I can’t let myself get sucked into a long-winded diatribe, because even if I save at the end of every sentence, the interruption in flow will just seriously piss me off and kick me out of the groove.

Knowing my limitations, I met with my writing pit crew. After a furious session of scribbling Xs and Os on a white board for no discernible reason, we came up with a plan of attack for this Muse. I’m typing as fast as I can. To the left is the coffee, to the right, my forehead mopper. I’ve been doing finger push ups for days and I think I can work through any cramping to bring you a….

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

*pop of confetti cannon*

Sorry we don’t have the band or dancers today. The pit boss felt that we needed to trim every tenth of a second off this production that we possibly could. I don’t necessarily agree, but he was the one with the clipboard, so….

*achem* *tap of pen on clipboard* *lift of one bushy eyebrow*

Right. I need to stay on track. He suggested instead of a rambling intro I just do my bit in bullet points. We’ll give it a try.

– The internet news sites are full of headlines.

– Some of them are good.

– Some of them are stupid.

– We round up the ones that jump out at us and present them to you.

– With jokes.

Wow. He was right. That was pretty straightforward, huh? I was a little worried about how he’d fit on the team in the beginning after he suggested I only type with my left hand, but I have to say, I’m warming up to…

*ACHEM*

Oh. Right. Headlines. Wave the flag and we’re off!

– Oprah Stuns with New Weight Loss

It’s GOT to be hard being a public figure in today’s internet trolling society. I’ve got nothing bad to say about Oprah for this one. Good job!

– Oprah Celebrates Turning 62 with Her “Favorite Birthday Gift”: Bread!

A case of bread, actually. Nine loaves. Oprah loses a ton of weight, then one of her “friends” sent her a CASE of bread. Oprah, get better friends.

– Best SAG Awards Moments That You Probably, Definitely Missed

Boy, is that going to be a long article.

– The Final Days of an Occupier

…of what? “An occupier” of…WHAT? Come on. Don’t leave me hanging. I MUST know! An occupier of a house? A car? Time and space? The rotting corpse it has invaded in an attempt to take over the world?

– Stricken Ship Heading for the French Coast

*sniff**sniff* Fine. If you don’t like me, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll run away! *sniff* I don’t need your stupid port anyway!

– Trump Spent Nearly $11 Million on Himself

Someone’s slumming it this year.

– Cyclist Exits Race After Officials Find Hidden Motor

BAHAHAHA!!! I’m sorry. I know cheating is bad, but…BAHAHAHAHA!!!

– Queensland Woman’s Disappearance at Sea Still Troubles Friends

“You know, we thought we’d be okay with it by now, but nope. Still bothered.”

– Curiosity Takes Selfie on Mars

…Still Hasn’t Killed the Cat

– Little Tricks to Feel Happier Immediately

Drugs. It’s drugs, right?

– 8 Bizarre Ways Your Spouse Can Affect Your Health

I can’t be the only one that thinks arsenic better be number one on the list.

This article…

– Reasons It’s So Hard to Lose Weight

…being displayed side by side with this article…

– Reasons It’s Easier to Lose Weight Than You Think

…proves that mainstream news is just saying whatever you want to hear. #conspirizewithme

– Confident Carson Predicts “Shock and Awe” in Iowa

There’s a fine line between confident and delusional. I’m pretty sure Carson has crossed it.

– GOP’s Condemnation of “Sanctuary Cities” Awkward in Iowa

I bet a lot of the GOP’s condemnations are awkward in Iowa.

– “I’m Gay and I’m a Priest. Period.”

Wow, Fr. Ted. I mean, good for you and all, but we just asked if you wanted a piece of gum. “…oh. Uh. *achem* Sorry. Uhhh…is it spearmint?”

– Why Elephants in American Zoos Might Be the New Orcas in “Blackfish”

Whoa whoa WHOA. Hold up. Because I am an American, and this is the internet, I feel compelled to assure the world that we are NOT, in any way, actually replacing orcas with elephants in the unoccupied Sea World tanks. We don’t even give them guns, smokes, and bitches, so no ‘Murica hate, k? I can assure you that the zoo keeps in this country are only abusing the elephants with whips, cattle prods, and spike boards, just like everyone else.

– Wave of Cubans Finally Reach US After Grueling Land Journey

*unrolls map* *looks at Cuba* *looks at US* *looks at Cuba* ….uh…

– “Eyewash”: How the CIA Deceives Its Own Workforce About Operations

I once cleaned a festering wound on my uncle’s ankle that was as wide as a golf ball and all the way to the bone, and if you could just give me some of that eye bleach so I could erase that memory, CIA, I’d greatly appreciate it.

…come on, CIA. Don’t act like you’re not reading this.

– Does Iowa Really Matter? And Should it?

Dayum, Washington Post. Harsh.

– I’m From New Hampshire and the New Hampshire Primary Has to Go

*gasp of indignation* Back off, poser. If you were really from NH, you’d realize that’s all we’ve got!

– Her Pink Taser, Poisoned Hamburger Patties, And an iPhone: The Story of a Wife Who Lured an Orange County Fugitive Out of Iran

I hate a short, vague headlines like this. If they want me to read it, they could at least drop a clue as to what the article is about.

– Man Sentenced As Habitual Felon

Once you’ve been convicted of a felony in this country, you are forever a felon. So by this logic, EVERY felon can be sentenced for being a habitual felon. You know how I said “no ‘Murica hate” before? I think I have to lift the moratorium.

– Fugitive Found in “Elaborate Tunnel System” Under Trailer Park

DUDE. A trailer park with an elaborate tunnel system?! Sign me up!

– High School Student with Toy Gun Suspended

Good! The ONLY reason to bring a fake gun to school is to cause trouble and make yourself seem like a badass. Period.

– Body Part Dealer Rented Infected Cadavers to Students

wut. Every single part of this headline is just wrong.

– Social Robots May One Day Help Your Doctor

Antisocial Robots May One Day Help Your Lawyer

– This is Why No One Can Own The Moon

Because it’s the FUCKING MOON. Why does it even need to be explained?!

– Scientists Predict Human Thought in Real Time, Nearly Every Time

If this doesn’t raise the hair on the back of your neck, you haven’t read enough sci fi. Knock it off, scientists, before I’ve got to make a time traveling robot to fix this mess you’re trying to create.

– Europe Launches Space Laser Data Satellite

I stopped reading after “Space Laser.” SPACE LASER!!! Pewpewpew!!!

– Norwegian Woman Says She is a Cat Trapped in Human’s Body

I call BS. If she really was a cat trapped in a human’s body, the only thing she would say is “Meow.” Check and mate.

– A 99-year-old Woman Wakes to Exotic Animal on Her Chest; She Screams, It Screams

…we all scream for ice cream! Yay!

– Lucky Thai Dolls “non-human”, says Aviation Authority

Did that actually need to be declared?!

– 2016 Campaign A Season of Discomfort for US Muslims

I don’t think the Muslim population is alone in discomfort this election cycle.

– Two Escaped California Inmates Believed In San Jose

Those poor fools. Everyone knows San Jose is only a myth.

– NASA Would Take C3PO to Space, but Not R2D2 or BB8

WHAT. That’s BULLSHIT! Let’s start a petition RIGHT NOW. #fairnessforALLdroids

– Your Laminate Floor May Be Toxic

So, you know, stop licking it.

– Answers to 7 Burning Tax Questions

1. Actually, it’s a common misconception that petroleum is the best accelerant for burning paper. You want to start with bees wax…

– Earn $90,000 a Year Working for the Government…At Burning Man

Kevin does this. Kevin is a fahkin’ narc. Don’t be like Kevin.

– The Inside Story of How Ted Cruz Won Iowa

He was a douche, but not a total douche. That’s some hard core poli-sci.

– The US Army Wants to 3D Print Customized Food for Soldiers

Two words: soylent green.

– Va. Tech Students Held in “Awesome” Girl’s Death

Totally upstaging the “rad” 7-11 burglary, the “bitchin'” car heist, and the “cool” vandalism.

– NYC Homeless Shelters Rack Up 21,400 Code Violations

I can’t believe that a city in the US has so very little consideration for the safety and well being of its homeless population. They’re usually so warm and welcoming.

– World’s First Robot Run Farm to Open in Japan

This better mean that it’s a farm where old robots go to run around in the field happy and carefree before they die, because if it’s actually a story about robots being in charge of growing our food, then I’m out. I’m done. No more science.

– DNA Got Kid Kicked Out of School- And It’ll Happen Again

Ivy league? Because that seems about right. DNA gets those floofy poodles kicked out of Westminster every year. It was just a matter of time before the owners of the allegedly purebred students took a page from their recreational book and applied it to maintain the integrity of those hallowed halls.

– Dadaab: The City You Cannot Leave

And with a name like that, who’d want to?!

– Judge Gives Man 5 Days For Child Porn, Rails Against Harsh Sentences

Anyone else thinking the judge’s hard drive needs confiscating? NSA, get on that.

Don’t act like you’re not reading this, NSA.

– Orange County Jailbreak was “An Embarrassment”, Says Sheriff

Top story in today’s No Shit Gazette.

– 5 Things You Need to Know this Tuesday

I didn’t read it. Cuz I’m a rebel.

– Carson to Take Break from Campaigning After Iowa Caucus Loss

Yep. Pretty much the same results as the last “shock and awe” plan we witnessed.

– Could These Shapes on Mars Have Been Sculpted By Microbes?

Don’t be ridiculous! They were sculpted by Martians before their environment became toxic and they were forced to settle on a neighboring planet.

– Britain Approves Controversial Gene-editing Experiments

NO. Stop it. Stop it right now! Do NOT edit genes! Stop predicting our thoughts. Don’t make 3D food. Absolutely NO robot farms. Go back to curing diseases and creating plans to re-colonize Mars. Leave the humanity-ending ideas alone. We’re doing just fine on that end without your help.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, February 2, 2016. Now, I’m not making any threats, so get off my back, FBI (pfft, don’t act like you’re not reading this), but that furry little rat better not see his shadow. We’re getting an easy winter this year, because even Mother Nature herself realizes just how bitchy she was last year and cut us some slack. I’mma be super pissed if a rat in a hat changes that.