5 days into the new year, and no Roundup? Let’s fix that.

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Mornin’ all.

Get in here quick and shut that door! Jeez. You’re letting all the heat out. And right now, heat is a valuable commodity. The coffee just finished seething, though, so that’s hot. Grab a cup.

No, no! Don’t put it in a ceramic mug. Holy smokes, it’s like you’ve never been here before. Did the cold put your brain on the fritz or something? You have to put your coffee in the lead-core crucible like usual. Come on, man. Sit by the faux fire and pull yourself together.

So guess what I’ve been doing the past few days? Writing. Got 38 pages done over the last two days. I want to do more today, but it’s cold and the housework didn’t do itself while I was engulfed in a fictitious universe. That’s okay. My peepers get wonky if I stare at a screen too long and I can feel the tinge of an eye strain headache. Today housework, tomorrow more wild adventures with a couple of crazy, mixed up characters as they make their way across the country to confront a madman and his minions.

Speaking of madmen and their minions, have you seen the news this week? Holy moly, it’s like 2016 flipped the “crazy” switch. You’ve got the mostly misunderstood militia standoff in Oregon, Saudis breaking up with their BFFs, Trump’s continuous oral fart of idiocy… Everyone was so afraid that the Mayans and Nostradamus vibed on 2015 being no bueno, but maybe we were just off a year?

Personally, I love the crazy train, both the song and the concept. It makes life a lot more interesting. And calming, in a way. I mean, yeah I’m an obsessive hoarder with serious self worth issues and a penchant for personal sabotage that would give Freud fits, but at least I wasn’t stupid enough to storm a Saudi Arabian embassy and think it would all be coo, brah. I’m a 2, 3 maybe on the crazy scale. This year we’re already seeing people up in the 46-48 range. Makes me feel downright sane.

So, with that in mind, let’s take the chill off this icy January morning with some fun. A look at the crazy going on. With comments. I think what we all need is a….

** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! **

*catchy theme music hummed through kazoos* *go-go dancers huddling in parkas sorta swaying to the beat*

Uh, yeah. Sorry about the lame intro. We had a jazz number all worked out, but then it was too cold for the band to play without gloves and there was no way I was talking the dancers into their flapper costumes. I mean, they’re a devoted lot, but there are limits. Well done anyway, I say. Good effort!

For those unfamiliar with internet news sites, let me fill you in: They’re weird. In an effort to break a story before anyone else, the stories become rushed, and the headlines are often no more than a necessary afterthought. Sometimes they’re odd, or awkwardly worded. Sometimes they’ve got spelling or grammatical errors. And sometimes, they just leave me with a funny mental image that I can’t help but sharing. Every now and again we take a minute to round up some of these gems. Sounds fun, yeah?

Well scooch closer to that fire, wrap your hands around your coffee crucibles (as long as you’re wearing the hazmat gloves, of course) and let’s have ourselves a roundup! As always, the headlines are completely real. I just add the yuks.

– 20 Biggest Tax Dollar Boondoggles in the US

I know. Odd to lead with a tax headline. But…boondoggles. When the hell have you ever seen “boondoggles” in a headline? It wasn’t quite enough to get me to actually read an article on taxes, but it came close.

– 37 Smartest Dog Breeds

I’m not a dog person. To me that sounds like all of the dog breeds. I mean really, how many are there?

– The Least Intelligent Dogs

Oh snap. Okay, I guess there are at least 38.

– Cities to Travel to if You Love to Eat

“Tampa: We’ve got food, you need to eat…do the math.” Dibs on royalties from Tampa’s new slogan. You know where to send the check, Tampa tourism bureau.

– Why the Oregon Militia is Citing the Book of Mormon

Going out on a limb and guessing it’s because they might be Mormons. Not trying to profile. Just making a wild guess.

– Step Aside, Pizza Rat, it’s Donut Raccoon’s Turn

I hope that one day, archaeologists of the future will unearth this headline and ONLY the headline, with no article or video or explanation. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

– Bieber Shows New Cornrows With “Girlfriend”

I wanted this to be a farming story more than I care to admit. Got hopeful there when they put “girlfriend” in quotes. You know. Goat.

– Billion-dollar Start Up Hires Employees Without Ever Meeting Them or Talking to Them

There’s being edgy and fresh, and then there’s just being fucking stupid. Unfortunately for up and coming hipsters, Pabst blurs that line.

– The Bachelor Season Starts, and Already We Have a Villain

I’m confused. I thought the show WAS the villain?

– Mid-flight, Someone Noticed the Door was Open

If I forget to double check my liftgate on my twenty year old station wagon, it’s like DEFCON five on my dash. Lights and blings and WARNING WARNING WARNING. Which is good, because if the shopping bag tipped, it would be terrible to lose a can of peas out the back. I just find it odd that a million dollar plane doesn’t have something similar, because it’s not canned peas they’re trying to transport safely…

– Signs of Mass Extinction Behind a New Jersey Store

…you know what? No. I’m not going to do it. I’m going to be the bigger person here and take the high road. If you want to make a joke about Jersey being the place people go to give up and die, that’s on you.

– Obama Moves to Require Background Checks on More Gun Sales

OH MY GOD NO!!! HE’S TAKING ALL MUH GUNSES AND SHIT!!! GODDAMN HIM TO HELL THE FUCKING UNAMERICAN HAWAIIAN!!! WAH WAH WAH!!! …is what more than half of the internet will sound like today. Just giving you a heads up.

– Armed Takeover of Building Puts Feds in Tough Spot

Oh look! The No Shit Gazette is back in print!

– Trump and the “war” on Political Correctness

It’s not a “war on political correctness.” It’s him intentionally insulting people like a five year old. Big difference.

– It’s Not Your Imagination, Americans Are Angrier Than Ever

Gee. I wonder what could be fueling that.

*squeegies sarcasm off the screen*

– Obama Aims to Limit Gun Deaths

UGH NOT AGAIN!!! IT’S MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO BE SHOT DEAD BY A GUN IF I WANT TO BE!!! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME SAFER YOU DAGGUM HIPPIE!!!

– Amateur Sleuths on Trail of Dinosaur

It’s about time someone stood up and tried to stop the rampant outbreak of crimes in and around paleo neighborhoods.

– New Orleans Asks for Christmas Trees to Help Coasts

But the cries for help went unheeded, for the trees did not have ears.

– Group: Pilot in Alaska Crash Took Plane Without Permission

Who left the keys just lying around?!

– Iran “Regrets” Embassy Attacks

Ya think!?

– Hoverboard Sparks Fire in Australia House

No it didn’t because hoverboards don’t exist. If it has wheels and it rolls on the ground, IT’S NOT A GODDAMN HOVERBOARD.

…guess I’m still bitter.

– Deporting “Affluenza Teen” to US May Violate His Rights, Lawyer Says

I am so sick of this kid. Take his money and cellphone and drop him in Detroit. I’m guessing his case of “affluenza” will be cured almost immediately.

– Periodic Table’s Seventh Row Finally Filled as Four New Elements Added

And among the ODC chemists of the world, there was joyous revelry and good tidings, for at last, they could rest.

– Can Virtual Reality Help Astronauts Keep Sane in Space?

Mmhm. You know what they mean. 3D porn.

– Yahoo Kills its Online Video Hub, Screen

If you confess, are you still indicted? Will there be a trial? I’m not clear on how that works.

– Why the Real King Kong Became Extinct

Personally, I think it was the fall, though there is a valid point in the idea that the gunfire ended him before he hit the ground.

– Coyote With Jar on Head Seen in Pembroke

That’s from our local news, and I can tell you there’s more than a fifty percent chance that the only reason this was allowed to make the news was because they knew folks would want to hop in their Jeeps and try to see it for themselves. Hey, it’s January in New Hampshire. Not much going on.

– Cops Round Up Stray Shopping Carts

…yeah. *sigh* Yeah, that’s us, too.

– People are Reaching Out to Their “Text Door Neighbor”

NO. Nope. Stop it right now.

– 15 Ways You’re Doing Laundry Wrong

Whoa dude. Why so judgy?

– Mississippi River Crest Rolls Toward Tennessee; Singer’s Body Found

I think they may have led with the wrong part of the story.

– Zidane Handed Trial By Fire By Misfiring Real Madrid

I have absolutely no idea what’s happening with this.

– Poland Sub-zero Weather “Kills 21”

I don’t understand the use of quotes here. Are they not dead? WERE they dead? ZOMG POLISH ZOMBIE APOCALPYSE

– Wonder What Merchants Do With Year End Inventory?

Good god, no. What happens in the back room should stay in the back room, amiright?

– 13 Airlines You Must Stay Away From

I think we already figured out two of them.

– Eastern Ukraine Villages Change Hands Despite Truce

“No good, Vlad. Now I’ve got two lefts. What am I supposed to do with two lefts?”

– Illinois Governor Disappointed in Chicago Mayor Over Police Shootings

Boy, the governor doesn’t pull any punches, does he? He’s “disappointed.” Quick…someone give the mayor aloe to ease that sick burn.

– Police Search for Vandal Who Left Bacon at Florida Mosque

And if anyone can sympathize with an unwanted baconing, it’s cops.

– New York Governor’s Order on Homeless Deepens Chill With City Mayor

Another governor laying it down. Git ’em, gov.

– How Older Men Tighten Their Skin

Ew no go away.

– Spain Police Nab 3.3 Tons of Cocaine

3.3 TONS of cocaine. TONS!!! Nothing wrong with this headline. I just thought it was worth noting.

– NASA Cancels Launch of Next Mars Probe Due to Instrument Leak

Someone get NASA some duct tape. Mars isn’t colonizing itself.

@theDonald: NOT ON MY WATCH ITS NOT #wallthesolarsystem

*sigh* Sorry about that, folks. He’s so persistent. You try to do something and have your own deal going and he can’t help but rush in and try to ruin it. Maybe if we just ignore him, he’ll go away.

– Hillary Clinton Says Aliens May Have Paid Us a Visit

Boy, Bill’s excuses are getting @theDonald: IS IT JUST ME OR IS GREEN SKIN UNATTRACTIVE? #AmericansnotMartians

Dude. Don’t interrupt. I’m trying to do a thing here. Let’s try this again…

– Hillary Clinton Says Aliens May Have Paid Us a Visit

I’ve heard some lame ass excu @theDonald: THE MOON USED TO BE GREAT, DIDN’T IT? MAKE THE MOON GREAT AGAIN #cheesefreedom

What? That…that doesn’t even make @theDonald: I’M RICHER THAN ANYONE ON MARS. IT’S TRUE. #galacticgod

GAH! Forget it. I can see we’re not going to get anything else accomplished today. Every time I try to get a coherent thought out, some asshole’s gotta barge in with their big mouth.

-It’s Not Your Imagination, Americans Are Angrier Than Ever

It’s only January, but I’m already calling it. Headline of the year, folks.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, January 5, 2016. I’m going to go do laundry, apparently the wrong way. I think it’ll still work out okay.

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