You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

So remember the washer battle? The latest one. The one I lost. I’m done gathering the fallen and nursing the injured back to some semblance of health and ready to look forward to a new dawn, a new day, a new washer.

Yes! A BRANDY NEW washing machine! We took a credit card that had been cleared for quite some time and used it. Not ideal. Not what we wanted to happen. But sometimes, you gotta do whatchoo gotta do. I’ve had three used washers in the last decade. They were all hand me downs and needed some level of limping along and my guy said, “You know what? If the little mama needs a real washing machine to get the woman’s work done, well I’mma git ‘er one!”

BAHAHAHA!!! Kidding. Jeez, how quickly do you think I’d give him the Ice Queen Laser Eyes if he said that?

Nah. He bought me a washer in a non-sexist-just-knows-I-LOATHE-laundromats-and-wants-me-not-to-have-to-use-them kind of way. Besides, he didn’t want me to do laundry at all. He pleaded a case for us to become nudists instead. *bland stare*

As soon as he heard the charge of the laser eyes spinning up, he ended the nudism crusade.

Smart man.

So I’m getting a washing machine. …maybe.

Local appliance stores are expensive as hell. WALMART is expensive as hell. And while I’m not looking for a top of the line model that will massage the garments with little robot hands, carefully picking out every particle of dirt and dried ketchup and flicking them away as if they are the most offensive molecules to ever exist, I *do* need one that can handle the clothing of 5 full sized people and one smaller Pigpen.

*goes to fistbump for the Peanuts reference, then pulls back at last second like Lucy. Boom. DOUBLE REFERENCE*

I go through washers because our household demand is higher than the average washing machine wants to handle. I’ll wear the same jeans for days. But the kiddies needs clean clothes for school and now work, and the man gets crazy grubby at his job. You wouldn’t think grocery is a grimey biz. You’d be wrong.

After looking at prices at the local box stores and smaller appliance places in the area, we began to wonder if we’d be able to do this after all or not. With hearts in our throats and our fingers crossed, we decided to check the wonderful bargain bin known as the internet. We scoured around, found a few models that fit our needs and will just manage to work in the budget in a bazillion easy payments.

Now, we’re not idiots. We didn’t look for “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics”. No, we went to Amazon, and let THEM select “Bob’s Discount Warshers” as our first vendor. Oh, that’s not what they called themselves. They called themselves something friendly, like “Home and Care” or some bullshit. But that was just a poorly pasted on label to hide their “Bob’s Discount Warshers” company logo. That’s what they are from here forward.

We ordered the machine last week. The machine was supposed to be here Monday.

The machine was not here Monday.

…are you surprised? Come on. This wouldn’t make a good story if everything went to plan, would it?

When yesterday rolled around and we still didn’t hear anything about our mystery machine that was clearly caught in some transdimensional vortex, we tried to contact the seller. We clicked on the seller profile and found that this seller actually has multiple names on Amazon. Hm. Now why would a reputable, honest vendor of expensive merchandise have multiple names? Wouldn’t you think that they would want to rack up satisfied customers and build ONE good name?

Should have done our research, folks. That’s what it comes down to.
We were contacted by Amazon saying that the vendor has not followed their obligations to Amazon and reported the details of shipping in the agreed upon time frame. Amazon recommended that we cancel the order. We contacted Amazon…surprisingly easy to do, actually, and the people there were very helpful both times we ended up calling.

Yes, both. Hang on. I’ll get there.

After a long chat with the helpful person on the other end of the line, we decided that if “Bob’s Discount Warshers” can’t follow the contract with Amazon, and they hadn’t answered our inquiries, either, then we’d cancel the order. Amazon said they would handle it on their end, and assured us we would not be held liable for the sale no matter what.

A little fuss, but in the end, no muss, and we washed our hands of “Bob’s Discount Warshers And Lectronics.” We went back on Amazon, found a washer that had been put on sale between last week and this, came out cheaper than the other, FREE SHIPPING!! from a company that had many excellent ratings, and a couple middle of the road like you’d expect any legit business to have. We placed the order, huzzah, new washer once again on the way!

…and then got an angry email from “Bob’s Yada Yada” informing us that wouldn’t you know it, they JUST shipped the discount warsher yesterday morning and it was too late to cancel the order since the warsher was speeding to us at the break neck speed of a snail.

Seriously, they said they just happened to ship it yesterday morning, June 24, and it would get here…July 17. I think the damn discount warsher’s planning on walking here, folks. Maybe it’s stopping to take a guided donkey tour of the Grand Canyon. Oh, I know! It’s dying to see the washing machine horror exhibit known as the “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn.” Oooh scary.

Look. We didn’t sign up for this shit. So, we called Amazon back. Once again, extremely friendly, helpful, and really pissed off on our behalf. Hey, if you’re ever looking for a cohort, someone to be righteously indignant with you when no one else is around, call up Amazon customer support. I swear we could hear the dude lighting the torch and sharpening his pitchfork.

Long and short, not only were we assured that we would not be held responsible for the cost of the washer in any way, but they cc’d us a copy of an angry email they sent to “Bob’s” that included the other email they sent earlier showing that it wasn’t until the order was canceled that the company actually shipped the machine.

Yay Amazon! Thanks for stormin’ the castle with us! Now, just make sure this second one actually gets here. K, thnx.

No, I mean it. I HATE laundry. Hate it. I will do any other chore on the planet over washing clothes. And yet, now that I can’t just pop a load in and ignore it until that funky smell fills the bathroom and I say “Oh shit, that’s right, I have to actually take it out of the wash for it to get dry…” I must say, I miss having a working washer.

Come on, Amazon. Pull through this time. *crosses my fingers and hopes*

Great weather is dawning. Storms cleared out the humidity and it’s sunny with a light breeze. It’s the perfect weather for working on the car. And the lawn. And figuring out a place to store the Evil Washer of Non-compliance where it won’t get even more ruined. (What? No way in HELL I’m leaving a brand new washer behind if we can ever manage to move out of here! Gotta save this pathetic husk to leave here when we go.)

In order to do all those things, and the many more that need doing in bright, sunshiny weather, I need it to be a bit later. Neighbors and all. Right now in the neighborhood, we’ve got one asshole who has spent all spring desperately trying for the Worst Neighbor crown. I see no reason not to let him reach his end goal of being the most hated man on the block. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that would challenge him.

I mean, how sad would it be for him if all that drunken yelling, screaming, and mid-week middle of the night fireworks shooting is forgotten because I carelessly fired up the side grinder before 9 am? All that rubber he’s laid peeling out of his drive EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. has GOT to mean something, folks. It just has to.

So while I wait for an appropriate time to make an appropriate level of noise, let us get wildly INappropriate, shall we? While it’s too early for some things, it’s never too early for a….

*cue the go-go dancers* *fire up the catchy theme music* *bring in the guest yodlers*

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

Shh. Let the yodlers finish.

…or should I said, let them Finnish?

“No. Bad Bethie. Bad.”

…fair enough. A round of applause to our dancers and yodlers, and don’t forget the band! They had to learn some accordion riffs just for today.

Yes, headlines. While regular readers will recognize the segment, let me take a quick second to fill in the newbs. Every now and again I get a wild hare up my ass and scour the internets for headlines that are poorly worded, leave the wrong impression, or simply give me a funny image in my head. All of the headlines are bona fide legit. I just supply Bethie’s Discount Commentary.

– Surgical Team Mocks Sedated Patient–and it’s All Recorded

They’re mucking around inside his ass. IN HIS ASS. Was he hoping to catch them whispering sweet nothings?

– One-fourth of Americans Lie to Dentists About Flossing

I hate polls like this. Are they really expecting me to believe that a quarter of Americans actually admit to the dentist they don’t floss? Horse shit.

– Chinese City Defends Dog Meat Festival Amidst Criticism

I’m not going to be popular here, folks. Just because we’ve decided that dogs should play fetch doesn’t mean we have any right to deny a people a cheap source of meat. There are people who snuggle chickens. Cows are considered sacred to millions. I can’t tell a hungry person they can’t eat an animal just because I wouldn’t.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

CHINA WHAT THE HELL. I just defended you!

– SC Lawmakers Agree to Debate Removal of Confederate Flag

Wait. What’s the friggin’ debate? Take down the flags. Not hard, folks.

– Amazon Joins Other Online Retailers in Banning Sales of Confederate Flags

There! See? No debate. Not hard. And about friggin’ time!

– Major US Flag Maker to Stop Making Confederate Flags

…are you getting the message, South Carolina?

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Sorry, I just have to go back to this one for a sec because the longer I think about it, the more questions I have. Who the hell has a cache of forty year old meat lying around??

– New York Prison Break: Tailor Used Baked Goods to Help Escapees

Are you even kidding me with this shit?! If they actually, legitimately baked a file into a loaf of bread…AND IT WORKED….I give up on our legal system.

– Why Half of New Jersey was Pummeled with Storms While Other Half Spared

I’m torn between a horrible sinner joke and a Jersey shore guido jab. How about we make it reader’s choice? Think of your best Jersey burn. Come on, all together now. *think**think**chuckle* We just shared a moment, everyone. I feel closer to you now.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

…like, frozen? I mean, it absolutely cannot be fresh. That would be…like…mummified, right? Maybe it’s jerky. Because if it’s jerky, I guess I can sort of see it. But do you even know how much it would cost to run a freezer for FORTY YEARS? I just…I can’t…

– Prison Seamstress Smuggled Tools to Inmates in Raw Meat

Two things: First, I think China should take comfort in the fact that other countries are dealing with their own meat smuggling crises right now. Second…the fuck are inmates getting RAW MEAT for?? Clearly this happens with enough frequency that the guard on duty saw nothing amiss with RAW FRIGGIN’ MEAT being handed over to inmates. This is somehow so much worse than the baked good theory.

– International Cult of Snowden Grows

Poll time: Cult of Snowden, better or worse than Scientology?

*editor’s note: We at the Muse are not seriously suggesting that Scientology is a cult. Cults are religions, and Scientology is simply a pyramid scheme. We apologize for any confusion.*

– Telescope Construction Set to Resume, but Battle Remains

Another relationship ruined from the arguments over ambiguous Ikea instructions. Come on, Ikea. Why you gotta hate love?

– Republicans’ Trump Debate Mistakes

Hiring people to root for you during the debate is probably high on the oopsie list…

China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

How does FORTY YEAR OLD MEAT still exist in an area of the world where so many people are starving? No one in FORTY FRIGGIN’ YEARS said, “Hm. You know what? They haven’t touched this meat in 28 years…guess it’s up for grabs?”

– Ford’s New Smartbike Vibrates to Warn You About Potholes

Because random jiggling and wiggling while you’re balancing on two small wheels seems so much safer than actually watching the road.

– Shark Bites 8-year-old Boy In NC; No Warning to Swimmers

It didn’t even give the kid a fair warning first? What a dick.

– Woman Gets Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Mud Run

Once again my decision to never run unless I’m getting away from tigers or zombies is confirmed as a sound life choice.

– New Era in Police Recruiting: Courting Hearts and Minds

The right candidate will be someone who likes long walks on the beach, is open to sharing feelings through song, and is comfortable enough with their personal identity that they don’t have to use their weapon as a tool of control. No Bronies.

– How Kids Became the Strongest Argument for Same Sex Marriage

“See all these damn kids? See how loud they are with their snarled hair and sticky candy fingers? You want even MORE of these little bastards running around?? Two men, or two women…in a world filled with bellowing brats, IT JUST MAKES SENSE.”

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

There are no pictures of the actual meat with the story. Is it weird that I really, really want to see pictures of what 40 year old top round looks like? We could call it “science” if that makes it less weird…

– Kansas Judge Weighs Nation’s First Ban on Abortion Methods

First ban? Someone at the AP needs a history book.

– Oklahoma Drilling Regulator Calls Spike in Earthquakes ‘Game Changer’

“We weren’t really expecting the earth to be this much of a challenge, but late in the second quarter there, she really jumped up and hit back. We need to double down. More drills. More oil tapping. More mining and blasting and fracking…”

– American Attacked by Shark off Australian Coast; ‘I’m Very Lucky’

“Of all the surfers in all the world, that shark chose me as its hors devour. *sniff* And while he only took a little taste before spitting me out and popping an Altoid, it was an honor just to be considered.”

– Lattes and Mars Bars on Sale at North Korea’s Gleaming New Airport

Lattes AND Mars Bars? Well, then. I think that puts to rest any lingering doubts the world has expressed over North Korea’s commitment to human rights and social justice!

Buckingham Palace Needs Repairs; Queen May Have to Leave

It doesn’t matter if you’re a prince or a pauper…if you throw a raging kegger and trash the joint, you’re going to get kicked out.

– China Arrests Smugglers Trying to Sell Meat from the 1970’s

Not to sound uneducated on the subject, but just how necessary is it to “smuggle” meat in China? This is a place that eats canine steaks. It doesn’t seem like they have the most stringent department of agriculture.

– Rand Paul Rolls Out 50 Supporters

…uh…good for you? I guess that’s a start? Now you just need a few dozen million more to really get this ball rolling.

– Moon Bears Rescued from Bile Farm in Vietnam

Shh. I’m closing my eyes and imagining what “moon bears” look like. They are fantastic.

– Dalai Lama to Speak at Glastonbury Rock Festival

Oooh snap. Your move, Pope.

– Shell Shocker: Triassic Reptile was ‘Grandfather’ to All Turtles

And for a super low, low price, you, too, can sample this rare delight at Bob’s Discount Vittles centrally located in beautiful downtown Shanghai.

…sorry, China. You kind of deserved that one.

Thus concludes a well Rounded Musing for Thursday, June 26, 2015. I can’t fire up the side grinder yet, but maybe I could get the lawnmower going. It’s just a little electric jobby and shouldn’t even put a hitch in my neighbor’s bid for the throne…

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