I done went and got myself kitty trapped this morning.
Anyone with a cat knows the kitty trap. They give you that blinky-love look, roll over, purr, and offer their belly for you to rub. As soon as your fingers make contact with the fur, Kitty’s demeanor changes and her four paws close in on you with laser precision.
You know, kitties would be very effective bear traps.
“If you knew this was going to happen, Bethie, then why did you fall for it?”
Like every other cat owner in history, I’ll be damned if I know. She looked all soft and cute and cuddly wuddly. And in the morning, she usually *is* soft and cute and cuddly wuddly. See, this was no spur of the moment kitty mischief. This was a long term plan. Months of leg brushes and morning nose bumps and face purrs lulled me into a false sense of affection.
I use my scratched up hand to tip my hat to you, kitty. You win this round.
So there’s a shit ton of bad in the news this week, isn’t there? What a mess we’re in, America. People can blame the current administration. Or the one before. Or keep “the one before”ing ad nauseum. The truth is, our issues go back for a really long time. They’ve only actually seemed to come to a head because everyone can see them, thanks to the wonderful world of the internet.
For the first era in human history, I can sit here in my ratty old chair in backwards NH and take a peek at the rest of the world while sipping my horrible coffee and nursing my ragged flesh back to health. This tiny blip on the world’s timeline has made it possible for me to actually see for myself what’s happening in other places without having to rely on second and third hand accounts with their second and third hand slants. And with the great new tool, it’s become impossible for folks to deny certain societal truths that have been swept under the carpet for so long.
We’ve got problems, folks. Big ones. And the ONLY truly “American” way to handle it is to admit them and try to fix them.
Sweeping problems under the rug is not “patriotic”, it’s “idiotic”.
Did you get that? Let’s put that on a t-shirt, because not enough people realize that simple truth. When there’s a protest, THAT is American. When people gather to voice their concern, THAT was the founding fathers’ plan for us. It is NOT American to just shut up and take it.
“Well now that I’m thoroughly depressed and more than a little paranoid, what can we do about it?”
Realize the problems exist. Admit the problems are real. Actively work to fix the problems.
It’s been so long since we’ve actually *tried* folks. And the first step is ridiculously easy. We need to change who is in charge, and choose the next person who’ll keep those folks in line.
With that in mind, I think we should really start looking ahead to who might be the next governmental babysitter. Many have already thrown their hats in the ring, and I sent one of my reporters to give them each a brief interview so we can begin to know our candidates.
*author’s note: I don’t actually have reporters. And the photos were taken from various news sites, selected to highlight the most presidential looks of the candidates. I didn’t take them, just copied and pasted. I’m fairly certain that goes without saying. Also, the interviews didn’t really happen. I think I have to say that, even though this is about to clearly turn satirical, just to cover my own ass. Once again, the interviews below are what I imagine the candidates would say in answer to my questions. Not a single campaign has approved any of the messages.*
Stands for: “Being a Bush.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Come on. Bush.”
Likes: “Vote Bush.”
Dislikes: “I SAID VOTE BUSH.”
If elected, I guarantee: “Another Bush will be in office. BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH.”
Stands for: “Being smarter than anyone else.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Peons. All of you peons.”
Likes: “Being right, which means I’m happy one hundred percent of the time. I’m sure it’s a concept you can’t understand. Because you’re dumb.”
Dislikes: “Let’s not drag this torture out. I have no desire to humiliate you with my superior intellect. You just need to understand that I am vastly superior in every way, and trust that I am the correct candidate.”
If elected, I guarantee: “A person with an IQ as high as mine doesn’t need to make promises. Can we just stop now? I feel as if I’m speaking to a brick wall.”
Stands for: “I was the Governor of Rhode Island.”
Ain’t got no time for: “People who’ve never heard of Rhode Island, only the best island in the country!”
Likes: “What do you mean Rhode Island isn’t an island? It’s called Rhode ISLAND.”
Dislikes: “Janice? Janice! This interview person just told me that Rhode Island isn’t an island.”
If elected, I guarantee: “…oh…oh my God. It’s…not and island? Then it was all lies? *audible sniff on the tape recorder* Oh, no! How can this be? Years, wasted! What…what have I done with my life?”
*Editor’s note: We at the Muse would like to issue a sincere apology to Mr. Chafee’s family and promise to respect their privacy as they deal with this life-shattering news. It was never our intention to break a presidential candidate.
Stands for: “I’ve been in the game a long time, and if you don’t know this shit by now, you’re not very good at your job, are you?”
Ain’t got no time for: “Jokes about my age, my wrinkles, my saggy tits and un-lypoed ass. I’ve been too busy working for you to try to keep up with the Kardashians. Sue me.”
Likes: “Rights. All kinds of them. I’m a freakin’ equality rainbow.”
Dislikes: “Blowie jokes about the oval office. Honestly, people, grow the hell up.”
If elected, I guarantee: “That I’ll install a camera under the oval office desk if that’s what it takes to get you immature jackasses to let it go already and get down to work.”
Stands for: “Equality for all people who are male, Christian, straight, wealthy, and love guns.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Anyone who does not fit into that bracket.”
Likes: “Er, hang on. I’ve just been told that if I only support Christian white males who are already God-fearing citizens with guns, I’ll only get a handful of votes. I don’t know that this is correct. Maybe we could table these kinds of questions until I get with my people and review the latest polls?”
Dislikes: “Oh, this one’s easy. No fact checking needed. I hate it when people ask me if I can introduce them to Tom Cruise. I mean, seriously? It’s not even spelled the same!”
If elected, I guarantee: “I’ll have my people get in touch with you once we figure out which platform is going to work the best. K, thnx.”
Stands for: “…hours in these heels! Let’s see a MAN do THAT!”
Ain’t got no time for: “Soft, jelly men who pretend to run this country.”
Likes: “Cigars and cognac. What? What’s that look for? OH, you think only MEN can enjoy things like a good cigar and an aged cognac? That’s what’s wrong with this country. You’re dick-whipped. Every last goddammed one of ya.”
Dislikes: “Abortions. If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than wimpy ass men it’s women who think they’ve got any right to say what happens to their bodies. And while we’re at it, no marrying other ladies, either. That shit’s weird. I say what happens to your bodies and who you love, got it? *snap* I have spoken.”
If elected, I guarantee: “To take the ‘dick’ out of “president”. Heh. See what I did there?”
Stands for: “The proud heritage of the Dixie South.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Politically correct mumbo jumbo that ass kisser Lincoln started.”
Likes: “The swell of pride I feel when I stand in my stark white suit and salute the real Southern flag.”
Dislikes: “Lincoln. Anything to do with Lincoln. Pennies, in particular, are a symbol of oppression and control to my people.”
If elected, I guarantee: “To erase the abomination that was the sixteenth president from the history books and once again raise the true south.”
Stands for: “THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. WHY DON’T YOU??”
Ain’t got no time for: “ABORTIONS, GAYS, SOCIAL PROGRAMS, CRACKHEAD WELFARE BITCHES, SLUTTY HOS, CORPORATE TAXES THAT MAKE THE SUFFERING BUSINESSMAN SUFFER, DINNER THAT AIN’T ON THE TABLE AT 5:00, THEM PORNO-GRAPHICS OF THE DEVIL, EVOLUTION IDEAS PLANTED IN THE MINDS THROUGH THE EVIL FORCES OF THOSE SATAN BOXES…”
*Editor’s note: In the interview transcripts, the reporter cited a break at this point where Mr. Huckabee was taken off stage for a half hour by his PR director and another unnamed man with a medical badge. When he returned, he was no longer shouting and his demeanor was far less aggressive. We at the Muse feel these facts are important to understand the key points Mr. Huckabee was trying to make.
Likes: “Long walks on the beach with my wife, whom I love and adore and forgive even if the towels are hanging slightly askew. Puppies are good. Squiffy widdle kitties are even better. I mean, is there anything better than a fluffy wuffy kitty kitty poo poo when you’re sad? Gobble gooble I could just eat them up!”
Dislikes: “Oh, you know me. I get along with almost everyone! Love and sunshine for all. Boy, was John Lennon right or what? Is he here? John? Oh, Johnny…where’d ya go my brotha from anotha mutha? Come jam with me.”
If elected, I guarantee: “Boy, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just lay on the White House lawn together and look up at the clouds for awhile? Can we do that, Doc? I’mma good boy ‘an took the happy juice. Can I get a kitty and lay on the lawn now like you promised?
Stands for: “Social justice. Down here in Maryland, we like everything and everyone to be equal.”
Ain’t got no time for: “People who think there are problems with my fine state.”
Likes: “This great state of mine! I’m the governor, you know. Of Maryland. Which is a state. A whole state, not just one city. A state. Keep that in mind.”
Dislikes: “Social injustice. It grinds my gears to think that anywhere in Maryland could be considered less than one hundred percent tolerant of all peoples and races.”
If elected, I guarantee: “…I see the way you’re looking at me. You’re accusing me of having something to do with Baltimore, aren’t you? THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!”
Party: “Republican. Honestly.”
Stands for: “Abortion rights, gun control, tax exemptions for businesses who use clean energy, tax incentives for private consumers who use clean energy, better charter school options for a quality education for all. You know. Classic Republican standpoints.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Those smelly Democrats. Yuck. Right guys?”
Likes: “Clean air, fair treatment of men and women, social justice, equality, lower tax…uh…I mean…God Bless America! Whoo-wah! Git ‘er…done? That’s what y- we say in the Republican party, isn’t it?”
Dislikes: “Liberal socialist hippies. P-yew. Who let THOSE freaks in here?”
If elected, I guarantee: “I’m totally a Republican. Sure.”
Stands for: “Financial independence from the status quo.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Taxes. Cut all taxes for everyone, rich and poor alike. No governmental spending on anything at all because cops and judges and postal workers and clerks and ambulance drivers and teachers will all work for free.”
Dislikes: “Anyone who is not America.”
If elected, I guarantee: “To cut spending to zero, to let you keep all your money so you can use it to arm yourself when we close the borders to all foreigners. You know, as God intended. Don’t kill babies. Terrorists are bad. Teachers are good. Uh…did I miss any talking points there? No? I’m good, then. Run with that.”
Party: “Hell yeah!…Oh, wait, I misspoke.”
Stands for: “Guns ‘n bitches!… Oh, sorry. I misspoke again. That should say ‘nuns in britches.’…still wrong? My PR gal is saying that’s still wrong. You know what I meant.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Poor people. Hang on a sec. The little PR lady is waving at me and…what? Oh. Heh. Looks like I misspoke again. Did you get those cue cards in the wrong order, Carl? *gulp* Getting hot in here. Did you see my new glasses? I got glasses. I think they tell you how serious I am.”
Likes: “America. Freedom. A free America that’s free from Musl…*glrublpfffph*…*tap**tap*…on? Hello? That good? Okay, I’m back. Sorry, the little PR cutie just said my mic cut out for a minute there.”
Dislikes: “Blacks. Oh, hell. I just cannot talk today, can I? Silly me, I misspoke. I meant to say that I don’t like corduroy pants. I hate that ffft ffft sound they make when you walk. I mean, who doesn’t, right? That hot piece of PR ass is motioning for us to wrap this up.”
If elected, I guarantee: That I will proudly stand for some of the citizens and lead us to ultimate victory against those job-stealing Chi….*scramble scramble static*
Stands for: “Men. Real men, too. None of this wimpy nerd shit. NOT ON MY WATCH.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Women’s rights.”
Likes: “You know, man stuff. I guess babies are okay, too, as long as they’re boy babies.”
Dislikes: “Sniveling women and their stupid girlie problems.”
If elected, I guarantee: “That I will build a boys-only fort at the White House for guys to hang out in. Wouldn’t that be so cool? No girlz allowed!”
Stands for: “Farms, more food, better health care for the masses.”
Ain’t got no time for: “Cow tippers. Those little shits cause so much damage. Give the punks something productive to do instead of knocking over helpless cows.”
Likes: “Maple syrup.”
Dislikes: “So called ‘pancake syrup’ that contains less than two percent of natural maple syrup, and 98 percent artificial flavors. How these ne’er do wells can get away with calling themselves ‘syrup’ is beyond me. Don’t EVEN get me started on Log Cabin. Just…don’t.”
If elected, I guarantee: “Only REAL maple syrup will be allowed to show a maple leaf on the package. I’m looking at YOU, Aunt Jemima!”
Stands for: “America in all her fine Americanness.”
Ain’t got time for: “Screwing with a perfect system.”
Likes: “Bleeding red, white, and blue, bitches.”
Dislikes: “Mucking up America with progress.”
If elected, I guarantee: “Rise and sing the anthem with me.”
*Editor’s note: At this point in the interview transcript, the reporter makes note that she tried several times to actually get a real answer from Mr. Santorum, without success. In her words, “He just kept singing right over my questions, and when I persisted, he just sang louder, and shuffled sideways out of the room.”
Party: “You will call me The Donald.”
Stands for: “I refuse to answer your questions until you call me The Donald.”
Ain’t got no time for: “…”
*Editor’s note: The reporter’s transcript indicates that at this point, she conceded, as it was clear the interview would not proceed if she didn’t. We at the Muse feel that this in no way compromises our investigative integrity.*
If elected, I guarantee: “To be the best president in the history of presidents. No, wait. Put that I’ll be the biggest and best. Oh! I got it. I’ll be the biggest, bestest, most God-like candidate the world has ever seen. Okay, scratch that all, and just tell people I AM GOD NOW. Oooh. Look at my arm. Look at it. Chills.”
Your candidates, folks.
Thus concludes an introduction to your presidential candidates for Saturday, June 20, 2015. I guess the real take away is that there is still plenty of time for someone else to step up and run. Someone. ANYONE. PLEASE.