Did I just see go-go dancers lining up?


Mornin’ all.

I got up this morning to a Phil Collins song playing on the radio *gak* and weak coffee *shudder*. A most dubious beginning.

Now, I can look at this as an omen, a harbinger of the bad day to come. Or, I could look at these early morning events as the cosmos clearing the deck for me, getting the bad shit out of the way in a timely fashion so I can go about my duties without a cloud hovering above.

I’m going to choose the latter, simply because my second cup of weak ass brew is literally half full, and that’s GOT to be a sign.

Besides, things have improved. Bananarama is playing at the moment, so I don’t have to suffer through Phil Collins anymore, and I’ve started a new pot of real coffee, the kind my iron gut has become inured to over the years.

Yesterday was a busy car work day. We got a door painted, a brake booster tested and re-“o”rigned, and the shiny new beastie charged and started. Boy, is that a nice little car.

“The one you paid a few hundred for?”

Yep! Deal of the friggin’ century…and I’m not just saying that because it was cheap. It wasn’t just cheap, it was unbelievably cheap for what it is. Paint’s nice, interior’s beautiful, no rust, all the parts are there and they work. It has a shifting issue…the floppiness of the shifter leads me to believe it needs new shift bushings, and the color of the transmission fluid tells me it needs to be drained and given fresh fluid and a new filter. Also, if the fluid’s that dark and old, chances are good that a lot of crud has gunked up the gears inside the bell housing and will need to be…


…oh. Right. Sorry. We have a deal about automotive details, don’t we? Fine. I’ll just nutshell it for you then. We have never gotten one of these old diesels in this nice of a condition before, and this is the least we’ve ever paid for one.

Okay, car talk over. Hey, could have been worse. I could have talked about sportsball.

Goo Goo Dolls playing now. Sweet! I think the radio station is apologizing for it’s earlier Phil Collins gaffe, as well it should. And my pot beeped, signaling that the stomach-searing brew I usually start my day drinking is ready. See folks? Optimism isn’t just a concept made up to tick off pessimists. We started out rough and managed to turn it around with a positive attitude and an upbeat outlook.

“Uh, Bethie? The radio just plays on a looped pre-determined track, and you ran out of the crap coffee and had to make more. The same things would have happened to a pessimist.”

…don’t harsh my mellow with your logic. Here, take a cup of this fresh coffee and relax. I made it myself!

“*sip* *pfffbbblllppt*”

Mmm, right?

“That’s not coffee, that’s…that’s…”


“I can feel it dissolving my tongue.”

Don’t fight it. It’s better if you just accept your fate.

“Oh god…I think I accidentally swallowed a little…I can feel it spreading in my belly like hot coals.”

Yeah, uh, you’re probably going to want to get somewhere safe for awhile.


Oh dear. I didn’t know you had such a delicate constitution.

“Delicate constitution my ass!! It melted the coffee mug!

Whoa now. I see you’re one of those folks who gets a bit cranky when they’re under the weather.


Maybe I can do something to cheer you up.

“Like giving me an antidote?”

Silly mortal. There IS no antidote for a proper cup of coffee! No, I’m talking about lifting your spirits. Putting you in the same good mood I’m now in. Want a fresh baked muffin?

…I can tell by your blank stare that’s probably a “no.” Also, I can’t help but notice the smoke coming from the gum holes where your teeth used to be. Maybe I did make it a wee bit stronger than I intended…

“YA THINK??!!”

So if food’s out, then the only other way I can think of to put a little pep in your step is to bring out the go-go dancers and strike up the band for a….





Did you see the snazzy new bedazzled dance costumes on the ladies? And the way they glittered in the morning light?

…come on. Don’t sulk. I know you’re still upset and probably in a fair amount of agony, but it was only coffee. We *have* to be close enough so that we don’t let a little coffee ruin our friendship. Look, I even had the band wear top hats. You’ve never been able to resist a good top hat.

“…*grumble* *mutter* *sigh*…fine.”

That’s the spirit! Give the dancers and the top hatted band a round of applause so we can dive in. As always, I scoured the entire internet (or at least a small corner of it) for headlines that are awkward, weird, misleading, or simply put a funny image in my head. The headlines are 100% HGMO free…I just beef them up with free range jokes. Shall we begin?

– Illinois Man Backs SUV Through Garage Door, A Longtime Wish

Admit it…you’re desperate to know the rest of his bucket list now, too.

– America Searches for Its Pay Raise

Have you checked between the couch cushions?

– To Understand Rick Perry, You Need to Meet His Wife

Question: If Rick Perry were “Ronda Perry”, do you think any editor ever would allow the headline, “To Understand Ronda Perry, You need to Meet Her Husband?” Food for thought.

– Why Australia Has A Walking Fish Problem

Because it’s Australia, where animals spend their lives trying to think of new ways to terrify humanity.

– This PB&J Hack Will Save Your Pants

PB&J…hack? *smh* I…I…just can’t.

– Yellowstone Urges Tourist Common Sense Amid Bison Attacks

I guess the bison don’t want snuggles, folks.

– Pentagon: 51 Labs in 17 States Got Suspended Live Anthrax

Oh, ‘Merica. *sigh* *but not too deeply, because, you know, anthrax*

– TSA’s Competency Questioned After Failed Safety Tests

You mean a group of folks dragged off the street and given minimal training while being paid slightly above minimum wage might not be the most secure force against the war on terror? Huh. Whoda thunk?

– For Green Activists, Arctic Drilling Could Be the Next Big Thing

“Fighting against the whole California drought was a good idea, but it just didn’t pan out. I mean, did you know that California has DESERTS? You have no idea how hot and sweaty it is to protest in LA. So we’re like, ‘Let’s find some shade, man,’ because this global warming is a total bummer. Alaska or bust!”

– California Student Gets OK to Wear Eagle Feather at Graduation

…wait…ONLY an eagle feather?

– Gay Conversion Therapy Court Case Begins: ‘Jonah Lied- They Made it Worse’

So am I to believe that the dude came out of the program “more gay?” Is that…is that even a thing? And if that’s the stance he’s taking, would he have been a-okay with the program if he was “less gay” after? So many questions…

– Cybercrime Experts Try to Outwit Hackers

OH, is that what they do? Thanks to the No Shit Gazette, another great mystery of life has been unraveled.

– Killed By Her Back Alley Butt Implants

I’ve got to be honest. While the image in my head is amazing, I’m a little hesitant to share. I mean, someone died. But…butt. You see my conundrum.

– Duggars on Molestation by Son: ‘We Felt Like Failures’

Wait. Hold the phone. Are they…are they actually trying to garner sympathy after they covered up REPEATED instances of sexual abuse for a year and a half before they went to the police? Seriously?! Yes, Duggars. When you let your daughters continue to suffer after your son has repeatedly admitted to molesting them because you don’t want your precious boy child to get in trouble, you ARE failures.

– California Boot Camp for At-risk Kids Leaves Some Injured

Lazy, spoiled teens who are suddenly forced to go through military training can’t hack the physical strains of being insta-soldiers? Weird. It’s almost as if you’re saying that children aren’t just short adults or something.

– Marine Sanctuary in Jeopardy

Now is the time to step up, America. These men and women fought for our nation. If anyone has the right to roam free and wild in a protected wilderness, it’s them. Help a free-range vet today.

– Cops: Atlanta Driver Who Eluded Police Not So Fast On Foot

Goddammit, No Shit Gazette. You already got your nod for the day. Stop interrupting real news.

– Extreme Sport of Slacklining Gains a Foothold in Iran

If you’ve ever wondered if things have improved in Iran, let this be the answer for you. Iran has become so safe that their people are now looking for stupid ways to put their lives in jeopardy. That’s progress, folks.

– What Happens When There’s No Road to Kick the Can Down?

Um, then people will find better things to do with their time than kick cans.

– Lincoln Chafee Unveils Presidential Run, Puzzling Longtime Allies

Someone get Chafee a little aloe for that burn. Also, introduce him to some new friends, because DAMN.

– Manchester Peregrine Falcon Chicks Tagged

I’m all for art, but Banksy’s gone too far this time.

– Family Served Arrest Warrants for Cheering

There’s always one in the group that thinks every second of their child’s life needs to be accompanied by hoots, hollers, and bizarre urgings to “rip his head off, Bobby!” Don’t tell me a small part of you isn’t pumping your fist about this headline right now.

– Apple’s Tim Cook Delivered Blistering Speech on Encryption, Privacy

Oooh snap.

– The One Thing You Need to Know to Pass a Polygraph Test

Tell the truth.

Lookee! I can write an article, too! Now…how do I get paid?

– Man Gets Speeding Ticket for Going Speed Limit

About time law abiding citizens get what’s not coming to them!

– Colorado School Bans Gay Valedictorian’s Speech

Because in America, who you love is more important than how hard you’ve worked. #CommonCoreLife

– GOP’s Problem: Millennials Don’t Really Remember Ronald Reagan

Is that really their problem? Is it?

– KFC Is Going to Court to Dispel Rumors of GMO Spider Chickens

Spider chicken: Best. Superhero. EVER.

– Science Teacher Suspended for Using Jammer to Shut Up Students’ Cell Phones

Yes, let’s punish the teacher for actually wanting to have students listen to the lessons. #CommonCoreLife.

– 2 Arrested in Home Invasion; Stun Gun Used On Children

Don’t judge until you’ve seen a toddler use a binkie to shank a bitch.

– Kim Kardashian Says Dress Caught on Fire; Pharrell Saved Her

Dammit Pharrell.

KIDDING. Sheesh. Touchy this morning, aren’t you?

– School Axes Yearbook Photos of Teen Girls Who Refused to Wear Dresses

Thank god SOMEone finally stopped those girls from putting crazy thoughts in boys’ heads with their pants that show a female figure! #CommonCoreLife

– Authorities Unlikely to Stop 2016 Fundraising Free-for-all

Anyone else getting a fantastic image of Hillary and Bernie inside one of those money booths with the dollar bills flying all around, snatching and grabbing and throwing elbows and having it turn into an all out tug of war over the crumpled bucks, and Hillary sneering, “That’s mine, bitch!” and Bernie cackling with glee as he jabs Hillary with his cane and shouts, “MAPLE SYRUP FOR LYFE HAG!!!” ?

…just me, then?

Well. This got awkward.

Thus concludes a Morning Musing, Roundup style for Thursday, June 4, 2015. I’m off to do more of that work you don’t want details about, and I might even listen to sportsball talk radio while I do it. You best have someone take a look at your mouth. I don’t think it should still be sizzling like that…


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