Catchy theme music wafted gently through the morning fog…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

So if you have chrome that you want to paint, and you spend hours scuffing the finish enough to take a primer and then MORE hours carefully layering the piles of paint it takes to make pristine chrome look like scungy old brass, then it’s probably a good idea not to leave said labor-intensive project on the table overnight to dry without either covering it with a box or securing the curious cat in another part of the house.

Survey time: Kitty paw prints…steampunk or not steampunk?

I think the damage is just to the clear coat. I cannot whine enough to convey the magnitude of “suck” it will be if I have to acetone it all off and start over.

Bad kitty. Bad.

We’ve been enjoying shockingly good weather here the past couple days. I would have been doing more actual car work instead of kittypunking my car yesterday if we weren’t once again waiting for parts. We did a simple brake pad replacement on Sunday, and as I was putting the wheel back on and snugging down a lug bolt, I snapped it.

Yep. I snapped a bolt.

Me.

Just broke that sucker right in half.

“Bethie? Not to be rude, but don’t you have abs of pudding?”

Yes. Yes I do. But maybe I’m less like butterscotch pudding and more like an undercooked tapioca. There are hard bits where you’d never expect them.

“…well that’s a disturbing image.”

*flexes* Guess I don’t know my own strength. Shoulda put a little less beast in my mode. I suppose that’s what I get for bringing the gun show to a knife fight.

” *groan* ”

…too far?

Anyway, would you believe that lug bolts for a 20 year old car aren’t that easy to come by? New bolts and rotors ordered (since the bolt snapped in the rotor and it’s much easier just to replace the lot instead of trying to tap it out), and now it’s back to waiting. Now you can see why I caught the automotive crafting bug.

I already did the grille, and boy does it look neat if I say so myself. I figured we only paid $800 for the clunker…might as well have some fun with it! Besides, I have some more legitimate body work that needs doing on one of the other cars, and the more practice I can get, the better. That one has to look good. But this experimental wagon? This one is just my playground.

Nice weather. Cool project. Amazing feat of superhuman strength.

“Uh, no one called it that…”

You know what these things have in common? They put me in a good mood. And you all know what I love to do when I’m in a good mood…

Cue the go-go dancers, play that catchy theme music, and release the ticker tape. It’s time for a…

*** HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! ***

Thank you, ladies. Round of applause for our go-go dancers. The girls sure nailed that triple salchow, eh? It’s nice to… *pffth*…*ptooey*… Gak, sorry. Got some ticker tape in my mouth. Whose idea was the damn ticker tape? Get the stage manager up here immediately and…

…oh. Heh. Sorry. I’ll deal with him later. Right now, let’s go over the rules and odds of winning. I do a Roundup when I find headlines that I find odd, poorly worded, misleading, or just create a share-worthy response when I read them. As always, the headlines are 100% real. I just supply the sugar coating to make them go down easier. Everyone ready? Then keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times and let’s begin!

– Pentagon: Texas Has Nothing to Fear From Upcoming Military Exercise

That statement would have carried more weight if the reps weren’t also nudge-nugding and wink-winking at each other through the press conference.

– Britain’s Newest Princess Can’t Expect Fairy Tale Life

Rrreow. SOMEone at the AP’s feeling a bit catty.

– Gun Salute Welcomes Princess In Style

HOLY SHIT! WTF is wrong with you, Britons?! You don’t give a BABY a GUN SALUTE! I’m ‘Merican, and even I know that! Maybe the AP was on to something up there…

– Fox News Apologizes for Misreported Story

In related news, pigs have been seen flying over the frozen depths of Hell and the apocalypse is clearly upon us. Hug your children tight, folks. The end is nigh.

– Some Police Reconsider Rules on Deadly Force

Gee, wonder what would give them that idea completely out of the blue?

– Remote Home of Leprosy Patients Could Open Door Wider

Hold the phone. Leper colonies are real? Isn’t it, like, 2015 or did I seriously misunderstand the concepts of “progress” and “time”?

– Mystery System Brewing in Atlantic

It was all very puzzling until the gang arrived and pulled the rubber mask off to reveal it was just Old ‘Phoon Jenkins looking to keep vacationers away from prime fishing spots. That zany old Jenkins.

– Dead Sperm Whale in Bay Area Burned, Defaced With Graffiti

I actually kind of understand the burning. I mean, you’ve got to get rid of it somehow, right? Plus: burgers. I can’t throw stones. However, I never want to meet the kind of dude who can look at a dead animal and think, “You know what would really make this pop? PINK BUBBLE LETTERS. Boom.”

– After Dave Goldberg’s Tragic Death, it’s Worth a Reminder: Treadmills Are Dangerous

See? I’m not lazy, I’m just safety-conscious.

– US in Longest “Hurricane Drought” in Recorded History

Well we wouldn’t be if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

– Florida Man Injured After Falling From Bridge While Changing Tire

I feel like they neglected to mention a few key points of the story here…

– Smart Luggage May Check Itself in, Follow You Around

Like I need another needy accessory dogging my every move. Sorry, but I learned my lesson with the Average Intelligence Handbag.

– 7 Most Surprising Things About Owning A New Apple Watch

1) No one cares that you have it. No one. At best, you might get a polite, but disinterested, “Oh. Yeah. Uh, good for you,” when you flash it around.

2) Do you need to hear any more? I mean, c’mon. The only reason you were interested in the first place was because it’s an expensive piece of tech that you can show off. Since no one cares, don’t bother. Instead, spend the money on something fun and frivolous like food or rent.

– Astronauts Watch Star Wars in Space

Your move, IMAX.

– As Emoji Spread Beyond Texts, Many Remain [Confounded Face] [Interrobang]

…uh…well said? I guess?

– Dementia-causing Cosmic Rays Could Dash Dreams of Martian Colony

And they *could* be humanity’s only legitimate hope at obtaining super powers. I think we know which is more important. Line for the Mars colony forms to the left. No pushing.

– Mysterious Extrasolar Exoplanet: 55 Cancri, the “Diamond Planet,” Experiences Wild Temperature Fluctuations Observed for the First Time, Astronauts Say

They didn’t even need to write an article. The headline literally said it all.

– Millions of Trees Die In California Drought

At least the lawns around the mansions are still vibrant and green. That’s what really counts. Could you imagine how icky it would look if they stopped watering their LAWNS for the sake a few stupid trees no one paid for? Priorities, folks.

– Can “Youth Protein” Serum Actually Make Your Skin Look Younger?

EW, to every possible meaning for the term “youth protein serum”.

– Iran Bans “Devil Worshiping” Haircuts

Ooh, a game! I like games. Okay, hmm…. I’m guessing… permed mullets, Bieber bangs, and faux-hawks. Am I right?

– Five US Aircraft Landed At Wrong Airports Since 2012: NTSB

Five US Pilots Have Better “Worst Day On The Job” Stories Than You

– Justices Seek US Government’s Views On Colorado Marijuana Laws

“I dunno if I support it. I mean, do YOU support it? Because if you do, then I might…BUT only if you do. Not that I’m a pot head or anything. Cuz I’m not. Really.”

– Texans, Put Down Guns and Pick Up Guitars, Says Rally Organizer

You know, the hippie might just be onto something here. If I was going to face an angry mob of rednecks, I think I’d be cooler with getting my face bashed in if my demise was also accompanied by some epic shredding.

…”No, seriously, esteemed Senators. I meant it. Go ahead and test me if you want to.”

– A Guide to CRISPR, A Human Gene Editing Tool That Has Researchers Excited, Terrified

[Confounded Face] [Interrobang]

…”I was just asking to see where YOU stand, not for myself. I’m here to serve YOU, and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I rushed ahead and used my position to do things like settle silly debates or anything.”

– Scientists Create “Out-of-body” Experience, “Teleport” Participants Around the Room

DAMN IT! Would someone PLEASE get these bored scientists something to do before our edited genes get teleported into other people?

…”Far be it from me to think for a moment that…”

OH FOR THE LOVE OF… You’re a US judge. Get your hands out of the pockets of politicians and make a decision.

*phew* Sorry, folks. It had to be said. I think we can move on now.

– Chris Brown Accused of Battery

Hey, looks like the No Shit Gazette is back in print!

– Audi Makes Diesel Out of Water and Air

No snark. Just thought this was amazing.

– 10 Fun Ways to Celebrate Screen-free Week

…as posted on your screen.

– Amazon CEO Launches First Rocket Into Space

Oh, no you don’t. Can’t fool me, Amazon. I know for a fact that was not the first rocket launched into space. Nice try.

– Women Can Learn Outdoor Skills at Fall Retreat

Stuff and nonsense! Women learning outdoor skills? That’s preposterous! Why, next thing you know, they’ll be wanting to vote.

– Minor League Team Host Peanut-free Night

Yeah, but are they also gluten free? Because I have a firm rule against watching any baseball that contains gluten.

– Boy Finds Leech Lodged in His Throat

There. THERE, scientists. Put away the potentially humanity-damning side projects and create something to keep this from ever. happening. again.

– 5 Undeniable Reasons Why Humans Must Colonize Mars

1) To escape the impending Zombie apocalypse.

2) To create a base of operations we can use to launch a counter-attack against our robot overlords.

3) To give people a justifiable reason to impersonate Arnie and say, “Get your ass to Mars.”

4) Because we’re never going to find intelligent life on THIS rock.

5) To finally gain super powers.

Thus concludes a Roundup for Tuesday, May 5, 2015. Wait a sec…hang on…we’ve got a late entry into the Roundup:

– What Skin Cancer Looks Like

Bad. It looks bad. It looks so much worse than having no tan. This is not a joking entry, or in any way classic Roundup fodder. With the nice weather, it’s time to remind everyone that humans are (mostly) no longer covered in protective fur like our ancestors, so put on some damn sunscreen before you go out to play.

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