It was a dark and stormy morn…

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Mornin’ all.

I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’m sick of winter.

“But Bethie, it’s spring!”

Tell that to Mother Nature. My kids had a school delay yesterday because of snow. SNOW! While it’s not unprecedented to have snow in April, it feels particularly loathsome this year after the winter we’ve had. I haven’t been able to get out and work on the cars or bust out the welder and make something neat in almost 6 months.

SIX MONTHS.

It ain’t fittin’, it just ain’t fittin’!

See? You see what it’s done? It’s turned me from the vibrant young-ish blogger you know to crotchety Ol’ Lady Bethie. Pitiful.

*sigh*

“Feel better?”

No. I feel grumbly. And grouchy. And every other “g” adjective that conveys sullen, sulky, snarling emo beast. I feel bad. You came here for coffee and light-hearted banter, and I’m giving you swill with a side of malcontent. There’s a roll of Tums on the table if my bitching has given you indigestion.

It’s not snowing out this morning, so that’s something. It’s rain, but I’ll take clear precipitation over white any day. At least the weather’s trending in the right direction. Also, if the weather forecasters are correct, it’s supposed to actually start getting legitimately warmer this weekend. I really want to believe them. I do. But ever since that damned rodent delivered his brutal prediction in February, I must admit I’ve kind of lost my meteorological optimism.

I don’t want to go into the weekend in a funk, though. The weekend is for relaxation and happy times, right? I just need something to pull me out of the mud.

“Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

My friend, I do believe I am. Cue the go-go dancers. It’s time for a…

*catchy theme music* *** HEADLINE ROUNDUP! *** *can-can routine*

*fireworks*

“Ooh! The fireworks are new!”

Yep! Took months to get the right permits in, but there are no bureaucratic hoops I won’t jump through for you!

“Aw! That’s so sweet!”

Damn right it is!

“What?”

I SAID…

“Can’t hear you over the fireworks!”

*waits for the finale* *helps go-go dancer stamp out the slight fire in her feather headdress* *waits for smoke and stage to clear*

Yes, what better way to pull ourselves out of a miasma of meteorological misery than to scour the internet’s most trusted news sites to bring you questionable headlines? As always, the headlines are 100% real. I only add the literary rhinestones as decorative commentary. Time to cast our net into the net and see what we pull in:

– US Approves Sale of Missiles to Egypt

Good idea! Because selling off our excess weapons to the highest bidder has never once come back to bite us in the ass.

– North Korea Urges Mexico to Free Ship

You know you’re being a dick when even North Korea says, “Not cool, bro.”

– Please Don’t Expect Miracles

Okay. Can I still expect magic tricks, though?

– Car Plunges Into LA Harbor; 1 Boy Dead, 1 in Grave Condition

…*sweat breaks out on brow* *must…resist…*…

– Bronx Bride…

I CAN’T DO IT! I tried, folks. You saw how hard I tried! I tried to let it go and forget it and move on because it’s too soon and too sensitive a subject. I just can’t. I CAN’T! It’s a compulsion. I must. I MUST.

-Car Plunges Into LA Harbor; 1 Boy Dead, 1 in Grave Condition

Aren’t they both in “grave” condition then?

YES I KNOW I’M DAMNED. Thank you for pointing that out.

– Bronx Bride Gets Married 10 Times Without Ever Getting A Divorce

Oh sure, a dude does it and he gets a TLC reality show. Where’s the equality?

– University Reverses Decision; Will Show “American Sniper”

How about the universities show “education” instead? What a novel concept these days.

– Angry Worker Who Took Train for Joyride Faces Sentencing

“I’ll show ’em! Imma go back, and Imma go forward. And then I might just get real crazy and go back again! Take THAT!”

– Detroit Police Officer Accused of Robbing Drug Dealer

You know, I’m finding it real hard to muster up anger over this one…

– Liquid Metal Discovery Will Pave Way for Shape-shifting Robots

Aw HELL no! What the eff is wrong with you, scientists?? Have you never seen T2?? Step away. Just forget you ever discovered it and walk away. Put the liquid metal down and go cure cancer before you accidentally create our robot overlords!!

– Washington Deputies Find Cabin That Family Reported Stolen

…a…cabin? As in a house? Someone STOLE a house?? Okay, then. It’s official. Washington State is now the most dangerous place in America. Hand over the championship belt, Detroit.

…did you hock it? DAMN IT. *sigh* Oh well. Someone stole the museum Washington was going to display it in anyway.

– Rare Bird Alert: American Robins Returning in Waves in NH

Meanwhile in New Hampshire…

– 14 Biggest Heists In US History

If the Washington cabin-stealers aren’t on the list, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

– Man Who Robbed Bank in Zebra Print Dress Pleads Guilty…

…To Crimes Against Fashion. Everyone knows you wear FLORALS for hold ups. Jeez.

– Former TV Pitchman Will Go to Trial in Owl Harassment Case

He kicked an owl. In mid-flight. Like, they were both up in the air and he kicked the owl. Is anyone else finding it odd that it’s a simple harassment charge and *not* assault? It’s either speciesism or those big ad dollars at play here, folks. Either way, totally unfair. We should launch a protest on the owl’s behalf! Let’s grab our pitchforks and storm the halls of justice!

– China Deploys New Weapon for Online Censorship in Form of “Great Cannon”

Anyone else getting a cartoony image of a little cannon coming out of your monitor and doing a Wiley Coyote *kapow*, or is it just me?

– Group On A Mission to Save Lives With Recycled Hotel Soap

Dunno either. I guarantee the story in my head is far more entertaining than the truth, though.

– Taco Bell Wants to Test Delivery Service

Shh, listen. You hear that? That’s the sound of millions of stoners across the nation weeping with joy.

– 11 Plucky Moments in the History of Eyebrow Grooming

NO.

– Postal Fail: Quote on Maya Angelou Stamp Isn’t Hers

Post office won’t change it, either. I guess you can’t blame them. It’s not like she was like, oh, I dunno, famous for writing epically moving works that have produced literally thousands of poignant quotes to choose from or anything. *rolly eyes*

British Prime Minister Mocked for Eating Hot Dog With Knife and Fork

As well he should!

– VP Biden Puts Baby Pacifier In His Mouth

…as well he should?

– Animal Activists Are Raiding Circuses to Liberate Abused Bears, Lions, and Monkeys

Wait. Hang on a sec. I’m all for closing down circuses that force animals to perform. But, uh, maybe we shouldn’t be rushing to unleash angry and abused BEARS and LIONS into the world…

– No More Playing Nice: California Names, Shames Water Wasters

Good! It’s about time they stop pussyfooting around and figure out the drought issue in CA.

– Birds Die After Cement Flows into Oakland Creek

…uh…maybe the drought issues aren’t really that mysterious after all.

– Scientists Seek Source of Giant Methane Mass Over Southwest

*insert political joke here*

– 8 Myths About Constipation

I tried to read the article, but the site was blocked.

– 13 Heartwarming Animal Pictures You’ll Love

Can you really promise that? You don’t know me. Maybe I’ll just find them “meh.” Maybe I’ll hate them. Will there be some kind of refund if my heart isn’t warmed? Awfully sure of yourself, aren’t you, AP?

– Candidate Died in 2012, but His Name Might Be on 2015 Ballot

Why? Because ‘MERICA, THAT’S WHY.

– Wildlife Officials Warn Floridians Not to Throw Baby Tortoises Into the Sea

They have to be told this? STAHP THROWING TURTLES!! Shesh. And you wonder why America shakes its head at you, Florida.

And finally…

– Dallas Woman Behind Bars for Illegally Giving Butt Injections

…make of that what you will. I’ve decided I should probably take the high road at least once today.

Mature of me, don’t you think?

Thus concludes a good ‘ol Roundup for Friday, April 10, 2015. I’m off to a parent/teacher conference for the youngest pup. I’ve got to take him with me this time, so I can’t pretend it went badly just to make him sweat. Damn. That’s half the fun.

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