Guerrillas and chickens and headless adventures…


Mornin’ all.

We had a chest cold here at the house last week. I’m happy to say it’s finally clearing out. A couple kids still sound like baby seals, but the barks are few and far between. I’m fairly certain that no one’s going to track and club them for their fur.

I suppose I can’t complain about this latest spike to our average lozenge consumption. Overall, this winter wasn’t bad in terms of germ warfare. Only a couple bouts, and they were pretty minor on the whole. It’s not like the Great Plague of ought-11 that seriously made me wonder if we’d rise as zombies by week’s end. Spoiler– we didn’t.

…or did we? Perhaps I’ve been a zombie this entire time.

“But Bethie, zombies can’t type. They can’t even talk! They have zero capacity for cohesive thought.”

And how would you know, hm? Have you seen a zombie? Sat with them? Shared life stories over brunch? No, you haven’t. Instead you’ve decided to rely on Hollywood’s skewed version. For all you know, zombies could be warm, caring, unique individuals who, through no fault of their own, simply have physical and metaphysical limitations which make it nigh impossible for them to adequately convey their thoughts and emotions. Let’s see YOU try to smile when YOUR muscles atrophy and give way to systemic decomposition!

Zombies were people, too!

“Oh gawd. Is this your new campaign?”

Now is the time for zombie equality! They used to be your neighbors, your brothers and sisters…in some cases your family pet. Don’t cast them aside. Don’t force them to huddle, hiding as downtrodden masses in the dark. Welcome them. Embrace them. Let them once again feel the light of a new day of hope!

“Did I call it, or what?”


“…welp…I ‘spose it’s not the worst campaign of yours I’ve backed. Okay, where do I get the bumper sticker?”

You can support this and all my other imaginary calls to arms at the Insanity Dispensary In Oddball Town.

…which I just now decided I should try and make a real thing. How cool/confusing would it be for “Zombies were people, too” stickers to start randomly popping up in places? Or any of the other imaginary causes I’m far too lazy right now to look up and pretend I still support wholeheartedly? I could tag the streets, slap ’em on cars and city buses, make leaflets to leave in random internet cafes. Literary Banksy.

…I suppose I’d actually have to live in an urban area for that to happen, though. There’s a community bulletin board at the local grocery store, but no one actually reads what’s up there. And there’s so much mud on the vehicles right now that I doubt the bumper stickers would stick. We’ve got one form of public transportation here, and that’s a little shuttle bus that’s used to shuffle the people from the elder care facility to the clinic about 50 yards away. I’m not sure they’d be my target audience. And the closest thing we’ve got to an internet cafe is the coffee urn at the gas station.

Small towns aren’t designed for guerrilla marketing campaigns.

Aside from chest colds…

“…oh that’s right. That’s what we were talking about before you went on a wild tangent.”

*achem* As I was saying, aside from cold, a lot of other crap has been going on in the House of Bethie. Life has happened once again, and thrown a speed bump in front of us. I know this is a short Musing, but I just needed a little break from running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

(sidenote: One of my favorite horrifying true stories, BTW. There really, truly, honestly WAS a chicken that lived for nearly 2 years without a fricken head. Farmer got a hankerin’ for chicken, as farmers do, and went and lopped the chicken’s head off. Now, it just so happens that it’s common for bodies of any decapitated animal (and some decapitated vegetation…no joke) to twitch and flop around, muscles spasming from the shock and confusion of suddenly losing the input center. Farmer watched the floppy bird, but then much to his amazement, the bird didn’t just flop, it STOOD THE FUCK UP AND WALKED AWAY. And kept doing that for nearly two years. TWO YEARS. It was fed through the GAPING NECK HOLE. Now that’s a chicken!)

And I wanted to let you all know that I won’t be posting for the next two weeks or so while I live in this thing people keep calling “the real world.” Have you heard of this? It’s a thing that exists when you shut off your computer.

“You can shut off a computer??”

I know, right? I thought the whole thing was a scam, too, but I wikipedia’d it and apparently you can. Experts say you won’t even suffer any adverse effects from doing so, either. I still think it’s sketchy as hell, but I guess I’ve got no choice and have to give it a try.

I’ll be back in a couple weeks, and I hope to have glorious tales of this far away world they call “Real” to share with you.

If you’re lucky, I might even compose a slideshow!


I knew you wouldn’t be able to contain your excitement.

Thus concludes what might possibly be the least long-winded Musing in the history of this blog for Monday, March 23, 2015. I’m about to log off. I think I just have to press the power button, right? *gulp* Okay. I’mma do it. *wipes sweaty brows* Here goes.


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