One of these days I’ll get a decent cup of Joe…


Mornin’ all.

Pardon that singeing smell. We’re out of milk for the coffee and it’s hitting my system a bit hard. Of course, it doesn’t help that I let the younger teen make the brew. That kid must have an iron gut or something because man is this crap strong. The paint on my walls around the coffee pot is peeling. The hazmat gas masks have been automatically deployed from their emergency canisters. The plastic around the glass carafe has melted and oozed all over the place, and the canary has dropped dead from the fumes.


…KIDDING. Sheesh, calm down. This coffee’s the pits, but it didn’t kill our mining bird. That canary actually kicked it the last time I tried to make blackened chicken in the skillet instead of on the outdoor grill.

Speaking of animal rights, did you hear about the circus?

Ringling Bros. will no longer be using elephants in their shows! I joke about animals, but in all sincerity, this is a fantastic thing. Animals like elephants should NOT be made to suffer just for entertainment. I don’t care what kind of “bond” the trainer has with the animal, or how “well” the creatures are cared for…all of that is relative. Yes, the animals “bond” with their trainers, if you want to call it that, because if they don’t, they’ll be whipped or not get fed. Ringling Bros. does take better care of their animals while on the road than other circuses do. I will absolutely give them that credit. But that’s like saying the factory that doesn’t beat their child laborers is doing things “right.”

They’re going to “phase out” the elephants from performing. I don’t know why that’s necessary. They said some BS about having to construct a larger enclosure for them, and that takes time. However, I can’t help but notice that those exploited “performing” elephants are actually already housed in the aforementioned facility when they aren’t on the road. We know what it comes down to. $. Big old stacks of $. Think of it. Now they can promote YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SEE THE FAMOUS ELEPHANT SHOW. Ten bucks says that they’ve already made up the posters.

Look, I’m not trying to diss Ringling Bros., because aside from the touring exploitation aspect, they actually do provide a legitimate service to the preservation of elephants. They’ve got North America’s largest elephant reserve, where over 30 Asian elephants reside, most of which are not performers. That reserve has repeatedly been touted as an excellent habitat, and they have grown an incredible breeding database and provide breeding assistance for other animal preserves trying to keep the swiftly dwindling Asian elephant population from extinction.

Should places like that have to exist? Eh. I’m torn. There is a reason woolly mammoths died off. Sometimes the larger species will go extinct when the next big thing in evolution takes the food and space. It’s a natural cycle that’s happened more times than we can fathom, and there really is a case to be made for this simply being natural selection.

That said, we ARE the next big thing in evolution, so big, in fact, that we’ve got brains that can figure out ways to keep these species around. Like it or not, that means unnatural habitats. Or, more aptly, as natural as we can make by hand.

I applaud Ringling Bros. for their decision to stop making these animals live lives of misery on the road. It’s about fricken time! And if I lived closer to their elephant reserve, I’d support them by visiting. It’s a good thing they’re doing with the animals there, the best plan we humans have come up with yet. Let’s just hope the overeager folks at PETA don’t turn their attentions to the part that’s working now that one cog has been knocked out of the system.

So that’s that. Hm. What else can we talk about today?

Oh! I fixed my dryer. Huzzah. Whoopee. Now I get to do laundry…and that’s only slightly sarcastic. It felt good to fire up the dryer after replacing the coil pack and several crispy wires and feel it actually heat up. I spent the day yesterday doing load after load to catch up. Being without a dryer for a week in the winter with six people in the household makes for a laundry mountain to climb.

Look, I hate laundry. I make no secret of that. But you know what I found out? I hate not being able to do laundry even more. If I don’t get the wash done, I want it to be because I rebelled, because I bucked the system and decided to live in the anarchistic world of dirty jeans for another day. I want it to be my choice to ignore the growing pile of socks and towels. Once the choice has been taken from me by an appliance revolt, well that kind of sucks all the fun out of my housewife coup.

Coffee that comes with a warning label, a circus without elephants, and a dryer repair. Not that thrilling, is it? Maybe I need to spice things up. I mean, you came all the way over here for some interesting morning chit chat, and I’m boring you to tears. I saw that yawn you tried to stifle.

“Oh. Heh heh. Sorry.”

No need to apologize! I’m the one who’s letting YOU down. Let’s see what we can do about that.

*cue the go-go dancers* It’s time for…*fires up the nickelodeon to play the catchy theme music*

* * * * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!! * * * * *

Look at those ladies do the can-can! Give them a round of applause as they exit the stage. Boy, they’re getting better and better. Hard to believe they took a five year break from Roundups. At this rate, they’ll be in competition form in no time.

So it’s a roundup. For those who might not be regulars yet, once in awhile I decide that the headlines I’m reading on the news sites must be shared. These are usually silly, poorly worded, misleading, etc. As always, the headlines are one hundred percent gluten free with no additives. I just provide the transfat-laden commentary after.

Rousey Shows Off Judo Skills, Hurts Interviewer

I can’t feel too bad for someone who asks an MMA champ for a demonstration. I mean, how did he really think that was going to end?

Two Lost Cities Found In Honduras

“I told you to check under the sofa, Harold. ‘Check under the sofa,’ I says, but did you listen? Noooo, you had to tear apart the whole country because you couldn’t be bothered to leave them in the basket in the first place. I swear I should have….”

Diver, Whale Shark Get Personal

Dr. Phil sweeps week, still going full force…

Jodi Arias Escapes Death Penalty After Jury Deadlocks

…should we still call it “deadlocking” in a murder trial?

Pennsylvania Beer Distributors Could Soon Sell 12 Packs

Well don’t that beat all! Why, soon they might even let womenfolk vote!

Remains of 2 Babies Put In Ceiling at Indiana Funeral Home

..*blink* *blink* I just…but…

El Nino Arrives For First Time in 5 Years, NOAA Says

In a statement given in response to the news, NOAA representative Gale Weatherly said, “Of course we’re glad to see him. It’s been five years, after all. *sniff* You’d think he could have written or something.”

Freight Train Carrying Crude Oil Derails Near Illinois City

Better keep your kids away from it, Illiniosians. You don’t want them picking up dirty jokes.

Want to See Michigan’s Underwater Crucifix?


Florida Man Drove to Lawyer’s Office With Dead Body in Truck

Here we go again. A guy is simply trying to multitask, but since he’s from Florida, people gotta make it news.

High School Dean Accused of Shooting Teen Who Pedaled Drugs for Him

Snitches Get Stitches 101

Game Makers Lured into Virtual World

WHAT!!?? I thought Flynn got ENCOM under control?!

*bloop blee bloop* *TRON fistbump*

Laser Weapon Melts Truck From a Mile Away


Facebook is Removing Likes From Deactivated Accounts

That’s it. We’re done for. It was a good run, folks, but how can we be expected to carry on under the weight of such crushing news?

Why No One’s Talking About ‘Cord-Forevers’

Maybe it’s because we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about…

Bubbles From Glacier Turn Up the Noise in Alaska Fjord

Woot woot! Raise the igloo, ya’ll.

Star Spotted Hurtling Out of the Galaxy at 746 Miles Per Second

I’ll just go get my OWN galaxy and then you can’t tell me what to do!

Cap’n Crunch Enlisted to Boost Taco Bell Breakfast Sales

…uh…should um…should we tell Taco Bell that Cap’n Crunch isn’t a real person, or should we just sit back and let the awkward hilarity unfold when he doesn’t show up for the launch party?

This Ancient Fossil Just Rewrote the History of Human Evolution

That’s one talented fossil.

Meet Hulk, the Giant Pitbull

Again, I’m going with “nope.”

Amazing Photos of Hitchhiking Animals

I can’t believe the news would be so irresponsible in this day and age to promote such unsafe practices. All you young, impressionable animals out there, please, PLEASE don’t hitchhike! Jeez, MSN. Get your act together.

Ben & Jerry’s Might Start Selling Weed-infused Ice Cream

Hey. Hey, stop it. Stop drooling right now. It’ll short out your keyboard.

Tanning Salon Owners Say Proposed Tanning Ban Would Hurt Business

Gawd, I hate it when the papers think we’ve all got an MBA or something. I don’t want them to dumb it down, but a little clarity when talking about complex business concepts would be appreciated.

Furor Over Man’s Plans to Open Risque Juice Bar

I love this headline. The more you read it, the funnier it gets.

Is Your Penis Size ‘Normal?’


NASA to Send Submarine to Space

NASA got some free samples of the new Ben & Jerry’s flavor…

Can You Find the ‘Best’ Hospital for You?

Wait, why is best in quotes? This does not seem like a nudge-nudge-wink-wink question to me…

Kids Defy Capitol Hill Sled Ban

We’ve lost control of the capitol to the toboggan terrorists. Every man and woman for themselves!

Legoland Creates Giant Death Star

Should have seen this coming. Anything that hurts that much when you step on it is planning something bigger.

6 Common Sleeping Positions and What They Mean

I won’t keep you in suspense. They mean you’re tired.

For Northeast, A Brutal Winter Defines ‘Enough is Enough’

We’ve had all we can take! Grab the pickets! Grab the banners! Let’s band together and make our voices be heard! Next year, we DEMAND a calmer winter, and if Mother Nature won’t get her act together, we’ll keep right on picketing! Join me. Support The Freezing Union!

Support The Freezing Union!

Thus concludes a Rounduppy Musing for Friday, March 6, 2015. My printer just finished the banner and I’ve got my wool long johns under my pants. I’m good for a whole day of protest. Now, where, exactly, is Mother Nature’s HQ?


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