I just microwaved my coffee for the third time this morning. I don’t particularly like scalding my tongue and throat. But I do like holding the hot coffee cup.
“Still cold there?”
We passed “cold” about 30 degrees ago. We’re now in the “huddle up and resign yourself to the icy hell” section of the thermostat. The part no one at the thermostat factory actually believed would ever be used.
Folks around here are starting to be divided into two separate camps. You’ve got those who bitch about the weathah, and those who want to lord it over other people how they’re NOT bitching about the weathah. I, clearly, am in the Free Bitchery For All party. Those on the other side say griping means I’m somehow less of a New Hampster.
** Author’s note: No, that’s not what we’re called. But shouldn’t it be? I’ve always thought it’s a missed opportunity that we’re not.**
I was born here. I was raised here. I’ve lived here an entire life save a few months, and even then I only sampled a different part of New England. I am as native a Hampster as they come. In court, my credentials would qualify me to be an expert witness.
Using all my years of gained knowledge and experience about the great Granite State, I can say with 99.9% accuracy that this winter fuckin’ blows.
You can quote me.
Now that it’s established for the record, we’ll just accept it as fact that this winter is a really bad one. In fact, one of the worst I can remember. If something’s wicked bad, why not gripe about it? It makes you feel good to know that you aren’t the only one whose toes gave up all pretense of feeling and warmth in November, that around town, other people decide to wash dishes by hand just to warm up the fingers, that you aren’t being silly when you stand under the vestibule heaters at Walmart with your eyes closed pretending it’s a sunny spring day, if only for a minute.
See, what these anti-complainers aren’t understanding is that complaining makes us united. The very best way to get a herd of humans to feel like they’re a cohesive unit is to present them with something that pisses them all off. Give them a hardship. Let them band together under a flag of malcontent!
“That’s a cynical outlook to have, Bethie.”
*shrug* Not all winds of change are warm and fuzzy.
I’m sure once that fairly small star to which we’re cosmically bound gets off its ass and actually DOES something, I’ll be all rainbows and unicorns again. Until then, LET THE FREE BITCHING COMMENCE!!!
…and for the rest of you NOT in a bitterly cold winter un-wonderland, let’s hunt around for a distraction.
“Do you mean…??!!”
“Is it really…??!!
“Can it be…??!!”
Cue the go-go dancers, strike up the mariachi band…
“Wait. Mariachi? What happened to the orchestra?”
Cultural exchange. Right now my orchestra is playing at a futbol match in Guadalajara. We thought it would be neat to mix things up. If our weather can’t be warm, at least our music can! Strike up the tunes, amigos, because it’s time for a….
* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *
Look at that flamenco routine! I didn’t know the go-go dancers had it in them. See? See what a little lively music can do? I feel peppier already! Let’s keep the happy feelings of warmer places going with some jokes. As always, I’ve scoured these internets to find you some headlines that struck me as odd, ironic, funny, confusing…or really, just grabbed my attention. The headlines are 100% real. The comments after are the pasteurized processed news product of my own making. Shall we dive in?
– Montana Town Turns Away Teen With a Troubled Past
Because you know it’s been proven throughout history that the only way to help a CHILD is to turn your back and shun him. Do it. Everyone turn around right now and I’m SURE this young man will help himself.
– A Bullet Attachment That Could Save Lives?
Here’s novel idea. Instead of spending millions on the research and development of bullets that won’t actually kill people, you could, you know, just not shoot them. Just throwin’ it out there, ‘Merica.
– Near Cities, Pumas Kill More, But Eat Less
They wouldn’t have to if those damn bobcats would stop disrespecting them.
– Reputed Al-Qaida Operative to Represent Himself at Trial
Yeeeaaahhhh…that’s gonna go well…
– New Hampshire Mountain Hiker Found Dead
Effin’ NO. It was a New York mountain hiker who decided to try and hike up the Presidential section of the White Mountains in NH, not an NH hiker. Let’s make that clear. Also, she went ALONE and camped out on the exposed mountain top. I will not let my fellow Hampsters be the butt of nationwide jokery. Sorry the lady died, but jeez. You can only dangle the carrot in front of Fate so long before she takes you up on it.
– Washington Monument Shrinks Slightly With New Measurements
See? You’re not the only one to suffer shrinkage in the cold.
– Killing in Washington State Offers “Ferguson” Moment for Hispanics
Equal opportunity riots. It’s the baby steps that’ll get us there, folks.
-‘Such a Knucklehead’: US Army Commander Admits Confusing Location of Key Ukrainian City
“I thought that ‘km’ was some kind of fancy Ruskie code,” he said with a humble smile as he stood in front of a village now reduced to rubble. “Golly, I’m just a silly willy, I reckon.”
– The Five Woofiest Descriptions of Westminster Competitions
This. THIS?! We’re all up in arms about Brian Williams, but THIS is acceptable?
– Republicans Critical of Obama’s ‘Amnesty Bonuses’
Damn. I thought at least one president would make it through his term with full, bi-partisan support on all key issues. Hey, seven years before he hit a snag…that’s a pretty good run.
– Bill Clinton ‘Burst A Gasket’ Over Pro-Hillary Group’s Comments
I didn’t click on the story for two reasons: 1) It’s the internet, and I know how that will end. 2) I heard enough about Bill Clinton bursting in the 90s.
– The Disingenuous Gas Tax Hike an Ominous Sign For The Legislative Session
So they were just kidding about that gas tax? Great! I expect my refund by the end of the week then, legislators. K, thnx.
– Scuba Divers Lead Charge Against Invasive Lionfish
How do you think they blow the infantry bugle?
– Scuba Divers Lead Charge Against Invasive Lionfish
That’s taking “school shootings” to a whole new level.
…what? I couldn’t decide, so I put them both in.
– Toddler’s Reaction To Meth Mistaken For Scorpion Sting
Ugh. Another one of these stories. People, toddlers can’t handle their high. Stop giving them meth until at least kindergarten.
– Wedding Photographer Rebecca Barger Looks At Cuba
Cuba Gets Very Uncomfortable, Looks Away Awkwardly
– How to Find Out If the NSA and GCHQ Spied On You
…nice try, NSA. I almost clicked the link.
– Scorpion Stings Woman On Plane, Delays Flight
“Scorpion sting.” Yeah. Riiiiight.
– Healthcare Sees Benefits From Better Patient Data
Found that one in the No Shit Gazette this morning. Good to see the NSG still going strong.
– KSU Researchers Develop Heat-tolerant Wheat
But…how will we get the bread to bake?
– Boy Diagnosed With ‘Fear of Growing Up’
So, you mean, a regular boy. Got it.
– New Particle in Physics May Be Found This Year
Or maybe not. It’s not news until it happens. Desperate for attention much, physicists?
– District: 5 Students Mistakenly Given ‘Fifty Shades’ Puzzles
“We’re so embarrassed,” said the shame-faced teacher. “It wasn’t our intention to single out those five students or make them feel discriminated against. All children were supposed to get the Kama Sutra puzzles, and I take full responsibility for the error.”
– No Charges For Woman Who Threw Bacon Into Police Station
Because hey…free bacon!
– Rare Monkey Eaten By Otters In Accident At British Zoo
I smell cover up. The otters had to have an inside source. It doesn’t make sense that they’d be able to break out of their enclosure, then proceed unseen to the monkey den, somehow get in THAT enclosure, and then pass up all the other monkeys to target one specific ape who, I’d like to point out, is a minority. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I think anyone can read between the lines. “Accident?” Pfft. I think not.
– World’s Largest Tunneling Machine Stuck Underground
Well, they never claimed it was the “best” tunneling machine.
– Couple Visits 3 Disney Theme Parks in One Day
Every once in awhile you read a news story that proves that there are people who are courageous in the face of adversity, rebellious when the naysayers claim something can’t be done. Three whole theme parks in one day. What a fucking newsworthy accomplishment.
– Alabama Judges Must Issue Gay Marriage Licenses
Oh, okay. See, because the first direct order to do so was pretty vague. I’m sure they’ll hop on board now since you said the same thing again and still have no ramifications for ignoring the order.
– ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Banned in Kenya
DAMMIT. I’ve got to stick by my guns on my anti-censorship stance and oppose this move. But… BUT.
– Chris Christie in New Hampshire: Bring It On
*cracks knuckles* LET’S DO THIS.
– Rubio Gets Personal With Iowans, Promises to Return
Ew. Anyone else get really creeped out by this headline? I feel like I need a shower.
– Is it Cruel to Kick A Robot Dog?
Oh, wow. I didn’t know we’d be getting into such deep philosophy this morning. Okay, well if we look at it objectively, the real question isn’t, “Is it cruel to kick a robot dog?” The real question we need to answer first is, “Is it cruel to create a robot dog?” When we take on the onus of creating a being, whether sentient or psuedo-sentient, we are assigning ourselves godlike properties. That is the debate we should be having. Once we’ve crossed the line into becoming creators, haven’t we, by definition, already justified any future actions we take against our creations?
Hey, I don’t write the headlines. Don’t blame me for their fallout.
– She Gave Him Her Kidney, He Gave Her His Heart
Typical Bob. Always gotta one-up everyone. Sheesh.
– How To Save Internet’s Data: Print It Out
WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. I just…mind…blown.
– What Are Penny Stocks?
I don’t know. And I didn’t care enough to click on the article. Guess I’ll remain ignorant.
– Emergency Services Deduce ‘Banana’ in Pine Tree is Geocache
Phew! Glad this was a harmless prank and not a legitimate “banana in a pine tree” situation, if you know what I mean.
…and no, I don’t either.
Thus concludes a mariachi accompanied Muse for Tuesday, February 17, 2015. I’m going to be taking a blogging break next week to work on some editing and cover art. I hope to get one more Musing up this week before then, but I gotta be honest…there’s a better than fair chance that the draw of a new video game the boys just got will outweigh the need to chat over coffee. I mean, I love you and all…but…zombies.