Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, January…


Mornin’ all.

We lived.

That’s the story of the day. We made it through Snowmageddon. In fact, here we didn’t actually get a lot of snow. Other places did, but we got less than a foot. Not really the record setter it could have been.

Still, it was bitter cold. I’m talking the kind of cold that punches you in the lung and freezes the lone tear you cry at the unfairness of it all. If you’ve never been in cold that was quite that cold, don’t get smug about it or anything, but consider yourself lucky.

The wind was a wicked pisser, too. Holy smokes did it blow! There’s been talk that the schools shouldn’t have closed for the day, but I’m personally glad they did. I’m rather fond of my teenagers, and really wouldn’t have enjoyed trying to pluck their frozen bodies out of the trees where the wind flung them when they tried to catch their bus. I’m a softie. The icicle tears on their little blue faces would have done me in for sure.

More flakes are puttering their way down to the ground outside now, but it’s not supposed to add up to much, and traffic seems to be going at a decent clip. There probably won’t even be a delay for the kids. Fortunately it’s a lot warmer out there now. I think it’s solidly in the teens. Downright balmy.

January’s almost over! I’m so excited. I hate January. I hate it with a burning passion that will never die. I hate January almost as much as I hate okra, and that’s saying something. January means cold. Grumpy kids. Cabin fever. It’s the let down after the holiday season and the realization that this year will be pretty similar to the last. I suppose any month that starts with a hangover is destined to be a dud.

But, one more day of this barren, bleak month and we’ll be in February! You’ve got to appreciate the farce that is February. First off, the name is so stupid that the few people who actually pronounce it correctly get laughed at. Then there are February holidays. We start the month staring at a fancy rat, then give each other chocolate, and close it out with a kooky observance we only have once every 4 years. February is like that aunt everyone has who flits about through life “finding” herself. Even as a kid you know she’s bat shit crazy, but you secretly hope she’s at every family event to shake things up.

Oh, February. I welcome you with open arms, you zany bitch. Come, liven up this bleak winter.

I think in celebration of the fact that there are only a handful of hours until we’re over the hurdle that is January we should do something fun this morning.

Oh yeah. You know what I’m talkin’ about. Cue the dancers! Cue the band! Drop the banner and set off fireworks, because it’s time for a….


Look at that go-go routine! The synchronization in the double dip is incredible! Brava ladies, brava!

*chorus line takes a bow*

Yes, I think we need it. Let’s clear off the cobwebs of ennui January has let accumulate and poke holes in news headlines that are poorly worded, confusing, or just strike my funny bone. As always, these are actual headlines. I just provide the commentary. Shall we begin?

Manchester Police Investigate “Altercation” On West Side

Please let it be an epic snap-off to music…please oh please….

Gas Blast Wrecks Mexico Children’s Hospital

*no jokes about burritos* *hold it together, Bethie…* *no jokes about burritos*

Graham: “I’m tired of just complaining”

…he complained.

Best Nail Looks Of Your Favorite Stars

Unless they’re talking about the hot fashion trends on the planets around Alnilam, I’m clearly not their target audience.

Measles Outbreak Stirs Concerns Among US Health Officials

Hm, can’t think of why. Unless it’s because measles is a horrible, terrible, deadly disease that was seconds away from being eradicated only to be brought back from the brink of utter extinction because people would rather get their medical advice from a silicon-filled celebrity than, you know, every single medical fact available. Think that’s why they’re concerned??

Delta Airlines Pilot Locked Out of Cockpit for Las Vegas Landing

And you thought locking your keys in the *car* was bad.

Kentucky Runaway Teen Refuses to Stay in Courtroom

Gee, couldn’t have predicted that one.

McCain to Protesters: “Get out of here you low-life scum!”

Keep it classy, McCain. Way to keep it classy. Oy.

Russia Plans to Test Nuclear Missiles Bigger Than “Satan”

So, like, any real size at all. Got it.

Canada Spy Agency Given More Powers to Detect Terrorist Activity

Canada! You’re going to actually SPY on people?? I’m shocked! I expect this kind of behavior from, well, us, but I’ve always held you to a higher standard.

This US Ambassador Grooves to “Vinyl Diplomacy” to Thrive in London

I don’t even have to know what this means to be embarrassed for us. Someone get over there and quietly remove the shag carpet you KNOW he’s installed in his office before it sparks an international incident.

ISIS Wannabe Mulans Can’t Fight, But They Can Tweet

Hold the phone. You mean a terrorist organization that runs around lopping off heads isn’t on the cutting edge of gender equality issues?

“Angel of Death” Nurse Apologizes for Taking Selfie With Corpse

I’m sorry, but if your nickname is “Angel of Death,” you probably have bigger things to apologize for than selfies. Just sayin’.

ISIS Wannabe Mulans Can’t Fight, But They Can Tweet

Another thing…”Wannabe Mulans,” PRI? Seriously? We’re going to liken the savage bitches who willingly join a group who are PROUD that their M.O. is CUTTING OFF FUCKING HEADS to Disney heroines now? Really? REALLY?!?

Turkey Sulks As Kurds Claim Victory Over ISIS

They snatched their ball grenades back and went home.*sniff*

ISIL’s Rise in Libya

I only mention this one because Politico decided that the graphic for this story should be a random map of New Hampshire. Yep, New Hampshire. Either we pissed Politico off, or the folks over at Politico don’t know the difference between New Hampshire and Libya. For shame, Politico.

– Scientists Upload Worm’s Mind Into Lego Robot

It’s happening. The prophecies were true. The mythical worm uprising has begun.

Bill Gates Warns On Dangers of AI: “I don’t understand why some people are not concerned.”

SEE!! He gets it. I’ll join your crusade against the robot worm overlords, Bill!

Saturn’s Moon Titan Caught “Naked” By Cassini Flyby, Acts Much Like Mars

In all fairness, the TMZ paparazzo had that slap coming. Sure, the rude gesture might have been taking it a little far, but I fully support the mooning the cameraman got.

*ducks rotten tomato*
OH COME ON! You know you would have been disappointed in me if I didn’t say it. Don’t act like you’re above puns all of a sudden.

Comcast Slams Customer With Major Insult

Comcast changed the name on the guy’s bill to “Asshole Brown” after a phone call from the dude went about how you’d expect to end up with those results. Heh heh heh. Never thought I’d root for Comcast.

Obama Veers Left

The “No Shit Gazette” is on the ball today!

Hashtag Inventor: I Choose Non-monogamy

Let’s get him!!! Not for the lifestyle choices but for creating this modern hashtag bullshit!! #grabthetorchesandpitchforks

Taco Bell: Emoji Unfairly Biased

….riiiiiight. From a food chain that had a thickly accented chihuahua wearing a sombrero hawk their loosely Mexican cuisine. Because there’s no stereotyping going on there.

Mom Angry At Anti-vaxxers

NO. Stop. Do NOT give them a fun nickname. Call them “idiots” or “morons” or “neglectful wastes of air”.

Bill Gates’ Biggest Regret

Not stopping AI worm overlords sooner!

Sarah Palin Delivers “Odd” Speech

So, just another standard week day then.

What Makes Kids Binge Drink? Study

Bad parents. End of study. I’ll send my bill to the government and collect my research grant money now…

Marshawn Lynch Talks About Why He Doesn’t Talk to the Media

…to the media.

McDonald’s CEO Resigns After String of Burger Blunders

He forgot the pickles. HE FORGOT THE PICKLES!!!!

*fistbump to other parents who are fellow Spongebob survivors*

Mom Admits to Helping Kids Hide Evidence of Double Slaying

Gawd, don’t you just hate these helicopter parents? If you step in and do it for him, how will he ever learn to stash a body on his own, lady? Sheesh. Cut the cord already.

California Lawmaker Aims to Raise Smoking Age To 21

Look how great that worked for underage drinkers!

Opera Strives To Strike a Chord With US Youth

Opera?? For US teens???…..Bahahaha! Aaaahahahaha! Hahahaaaa…*wipes tear*…heh heh. Ahh. I needed that.

Physicist Have Built a Time Machine Simulator

Quick, Bill! Here’s your chance to right past wrongs. Hop in and stop the AI Worm Lego men from taking over the world!

…oh. Wait. I guess if I had to write this, the plan failed. *sigh* Then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.

All hail our mighty worm overlords.

Thus concludes a headline-y Musing for Friday, January 30, 2015. I guess I need to get used to saluting worms. How, exactly, does one salute a worm?


2 thoughts on “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, January…

  1. All hail.. wait, seriously? Worms? That’s a disturbing thought. I mean, I’ve used plenty of their brethren or even their dear old grandparents as fishing bait in my time. What are they planning on doing with me?! Oh lordy, how do I hide? Must hide!

    Oh shit, I hear something at the door. Help!!

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