Winter. Pfft. Am I right?

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Mornin’ all.

I need to write. And yet it is too cold to do so for very long. I’ve got stupidly poor blood flow in my hands and feet, and even as I’m chatting with you, I’m wearing gloves.

It’s still wicked cold here. Not as bad as the other day, but there is certainly a lot of room for improvement. I’m talkin’ to you, Mother Nature. That sun in the sky isn’t just there for decoration, you know.

I caught the bathroom sink juuuust in time before it froze up this morning. We left it at a drip, but a mere drip was not enough. I was not so lucky with the washing machine. The water lines in froze and now I can’t do laundry today.

Oh, damn. I’m positively heart broken.

I think laundry has got to be one of my least favorite household chores. It’s supposed to warm up enough this weekend to thaw out the lines, and I’ll be able to catch up on Sunday before the boys need more clean clothes for school, so it’ll all work out. I just can’t do it today.

Or write. See, we’re just having a friendly little gab session…just chit chat and not real writing. I want to work on a novel. I’m in the middle of one. Actually, I crossed the middle and am firmly nearing the home stretch. But I hate *writing* if I have to stop my flow every half hour to warm up my hands. I just want to wind up the creative key and typety-type until my ideas are out for the day. I don’t want interruptions.

I guess we’ll just gab for a bit and hopefully this’ll take the edge off.

So. What do you want to talk about?

“Bethie, this is YOUR blog. I’m just here for the free coffee.”

Fair enough.

Only thing is, I don’t know what to talk about. And when that happens, there’s only one thing we can do.

Cue the go-go dancers, tune up the band, get ready for the intro because it’s….

*** HEADLINE ROUNUP!!! ***

Yes, let’s do it. Why not? I’m feeling talkative, yet void of ideas and you need SOMEthing to read while you suck down that coffee. Let’s do the very first Roundup of 2015, shall we?

*catchy theme music* *new go-go routine*

Bravo! Give the ladies and the band a round of applause, and let’s get to it. As always, these are actual headlines. I just supply the commentary.

– America is Colder Than Mars

False. This one pisses me off, simply because it’s bad science that people are now going to spread. Parts of America have temperature predictions that are lower than the peak high temps of certain parts of Mars. America won’t be “colder than Mars” until we also have -144 degree F nights to add to the average. And this isn’t even getting into the fact that the arctic circle regularly has the same…

“Bethie, I’m here for jokes with my free coffee, not science.”

Oh. Right. Sorry.

– Dad Accused of Tossing Daughter Off Bridge Acted Strange

Really!? A dude who threw his own kid off a friggin’ bridge was “strange”? I’m floored.

– French Manhunt Eerily Similar to Boston Lockdown

Oh, so you mean that France followed basic, logical steps to look for outlaws, too? Novel concept.

– Nuclear Forensic Experts Prepare for Worse

Worse what? Worse coffee in the break room? Worse parking spaces in the garage? Worse casual Friday sweater contests?? Worse WHAT?!!! DON’T LEAVE ME IN SUSPENSE!!!

Wintry Weather Closes Schools in Northeast

Sorry, I should have warned you to sit down before I dropped that stunner on you.

US Tries to Teach Iraq “The Will to Fight”

It’s a real struggle, what with them being such a peaceable nation and all.

For Many in Boston, French Shootings Bring Bad Memories

Oh. My. God. Look, the marathon bombing was horrible. Hands down. Not saying any different. But come on, Boston. It’s not about you.

Oklahoma Prisons Boss “Confident” Ahead of Next Executions

Well that’s good. I’d hate for him to murder someone if he was having a bout of low self esteem.

Atlanta Fire Chief Who Criticized Homosexuality May Challenge Ouster

Yes, he’ll call that rapscallion to the mat and there will be fisticuffs!

Cosby Jokes That Women Shouldn’t Drink Around Him

Ha ha. Ha ha ha. That’s so funny. Everyone knows date rape is hil-ar-ious. Can’t you hear the nation roar at your cleverness and wit. Really, we’re clutching our sides here. Asshole.

Baltimore Police Horse Maimed Hand of Child in a Wheelchair

This story has it all! Animals? Check. Police? Check. Animal police brutality? Check. The child in the wheelchair is really just icing on the cake.

FBI Ends Probe of Connecticut Man’s Disappearance

…in spite of the fact that they haven’t come close to finding him. When asked for comment, the lead investigator shrugged. “I guess I’m just not feeling it anymore,” he said before vowing to only take on cases that could contain car chases. “I always wanted to be in a car chase,” he added.

Man Injured in Stabbing

I really think the headline should be “Stabber Has Successful Day at Work”.

Belt Expands When Your Stomach Gets Full

We certainly have a lot of entries from the “No Shit Gazette” today.

Backlash Against Muslims Feared Across Europe

As opposed to every other day, when backlash against Muslims is feared across everywhere.

Japan Recalls Baby Food Over Cricket Contamination

CRICKETS?? What the hell, Japan?

No Birthday Celebrations For Kim Jong Un This Year

Dictator of the whole nation, and still he can’t even get a birthday party. Just pulls at the heartstrings, doesn’t it? Everyone join me in a pity party for the sad, friendless, unloved despot.

Rain & Cold

Yay, I love word games! Okay…let’s see…Oh! I got it! *achem* Hail & Humidity. Your turn.

Indonesia Officials Say “Ping” Detected in Search for AirAsia Black Box

But since they weren’t looking for pings, the search continues.

Indian Official Sacked for Pulling 24-year Sickie

The dude called in sick and stayed out of the office for 24 YEARS, still getting paid, still technically having the job. *slow clap* Well played, my friend. Well played.

Pennsylvania Jail Guard Made Prisoners Play Patty Cake

I’m torn in my reactions here. On the one hand, patty cake??!!! That monster CLEARLY must be stopped. On the other, I can’t help but think of this as cool and unusual punishment.

California Firm Recalls Beef, Pork For Possible Metal Contamination

Okay, potentially lethal shards or razor sharp metal may be just a *tad* worse than crickets. Apologies, Japan.

Slump in New York Arrests, Fines Hits Lawyers, Bailbondsmen Hard

Move over, Kim Jong. I found some more guests for your pity party.

Sober Monitors Must Attend Univ. of Virginia Frat Parties After Rape Allegations

So the way the university is going to handle the situation is to allow the frats to keep having their drunken keggers as long as they have…babysitters. I didn’t realize Bill Cosby was setting university policies now.

Federal Judge Makes Foie Gras Sales Legal in California

An enormous weight has just been lifted off the shoulders of the nation. I’ll rest easier at night knowing that the elite of California no longer have to risk their lives smuggling fattened duck livers across the Oregon border for their dinner parties. PHE-EW.

Arizona Signals Plan to Appeal Decision on Human Smuggling Law

??!?….sooo….do they *want* human smuggling? So many questions…

Harold Hamm Offers $975 Million Divorce Check: Wife Refuses It

Apparently Mrs. Hamm hasn’t heard about the foie gras ban being lifted. You don’t have to pay black market prices anymore, sweetie. Go ahead and take the money so we can all stop vomiting over the disgusting stories of your selfish, horrible, pathetic life.

Boehner Re-elected US House Speaker

Speaking of fucking idiots…

Cumming Man Records Driver Performing Lewd Act in Driveway

There is no comment I can make on this headline that will do anything but make you think less of me.

Belfie Stick Helps You Take Pictures of Your Butt

If you could see me, you would notice the lone tear I weep for my future that will be in the hands of the idiots that are creating these moronic devices. There. It just splashed into my coffee. You have officially ruined my day, Millennials. Are you happy now?

First Test-tube Baby Penguin Says Hello to World

It can TALK!!?? I told you freaky scientist bastards not to screw with the natural order, but would you listen?!

Diaper-wearing Volunteers Guard Filipinos for Black Nazarene Feast

…what? I…just….what??

Boehner Says it Hurts to be Called “Spineless or a Squish”

Look, Kim Jong! More and more pity partiers by the second!

Virgina Transportation Department Turning Road Kill into Compost

Admit it. You sighed in relief when you read the word “compost”, too.

Florida Man Accused of Toting Baby to Home Burglary

Make up your mind, folks. Do you want dads to be involved in their kids’ lives or not?

Hasbro to Replace Penis Shaped Play Doh Toy

Critics said that the toy demonstrated an unfair bias by the company, as Hasbro did not offer a vagina shaped toy for girls. “I’m shocked and saddened that a corporation as large and respected as Hasbro would bend to old fashioned confines of gender roles,” said a representative for the organization who created the online petition to raise awareness for the situation. “And their move to pull the toy instead of also offering an equally empowering toy for girls shows you just how much further we need to go to get the equality our daughters deserve.”

Cars Buried Under Salt After Morton Storage Collapse

After 50 years of debate, I think we can finally all agree that too much salt IS bad for you health.

Record For Largest Paper Wad Set In Minnesota

Don’t have much to do up there, do you, Minnesota?

Man Hurt In Dryer Fire

…um…you do know you’re supposed to take the clothes off first, right?

Why Funky, Flashing Disco Clams Get Their Groove On

You read that right. Funky. Flashing. Disco. Clams.

I think I finally found my spirit animal.

Thus concludes a Roundup Musing for Friday, January 9, 2015. Everyone have a good weekend. Let that funky inner clam fly the freak flag!

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