Guess who’s got a bad case of the Mondays…

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Before we even get into the usual salutations, there’s been a breaking news story that I feel I must share.

The color of the year for 2015 is: Marsala.

*wipes brow* There. I’ve done my best. When hard hitting info like this comes down the pike, I think it’s every citizen’s responsibility to do what they can to get the word out. I mean, you don’t want your friends and loved ones showing up to a New Year’s party wearing vermilion, do you?

Oh, the shame.

Marsala. Remember it. Discuss it. Create an awareness campaign to spread the information. Since this story about an arbitrary observance of color was listed before a report on the deaths of over a dozen people in a horrible storm, and posted with a much bigger headline font, then clearly it is of national importance.

No! INTERnational importance.

Shit, why stop there? There were no planetary constraints mentioned in the article. Marsala is 2015’s galactic color of the year.

…even though it’s only 2015 here on this one planet. And light traveling through the different gases may very well render marsala invisible in many planetary climates around the cosmos. And by the time any sentient beings actually get this news, it’ll be many thousands of years in the future. Hm. There may be a few tiny issues with declaring a galaxy-wide color of the year…

BUT ON EARTH IT’S IMPORTANT!!! Marsala. WEAR IT.

Now that I’ve fulfilled my obligation to humanity for the day, we can begin this Muse properly.

Mornin’ all.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, you get cynical Bethie this morning.

“Ugh, again?”

Okay, so I’m in a mood. What. Like you’ve never had a funk that lasted more than a few days? Sheesh. Sorry to harsh your vibe, Captain Mellow.

I can’t help it. For the second night in a row, my brain woke me up at about 2 a.m. to tell me all the ways that I suck. The internal memo did not pull any punches and listed one deficiency after another until I had no choice but to lay in bed and wait for the alarm to blare. I was hoping the heart-jumping harshness of the legitimate sound would cancel out the buzz in my brain. Alas, the list stopped only long enough for me to shut the alarm off before saying, “Where was I? Oh, yes…’mothering skills’, I believe you call them. Let’s delve into those, shall we?”

Why do brains do this? I get that we need an internal system of checks and balances. But really? In the middle of the night? Why the hell can’t my noggin deal the blows during a dream, like any sane person? Hm? Give me one helluva bad dream. Go for it. Sure, I’ll still be an emotional zombie in the morning, but at least the rest of the parts I need to make me move around the environment with any semblance of competence would have gotten some rest.

Human nature is a bitch.

Ah well. At least Mother Nature recognized this and provided us with Nap In A Cup. *slurp* *choke* *gak* …okay, now I see the folly of doubling the grounds in the coffee pot.

I think in light of today’s surly start, maybe I should be a little proactive in bettering my mood. *snap* *twirls finger* And a-one, and a-two…

*sparkles* *go go dancers* *catchy theme music* *glitter*

HEADLINE ROUNDUP TIME!!!!

What better way to put a funny spin on a cynical mood than to mock and debase news headlines? As always, the headlines are real, actual headlines. The snark remark following each is my way of venting today. Shall we begin?

US Naturalist Swallowed by Snake for TV Show

Spoiler, the naturalist lives. I mean, it’s not like it’s sweeps week or anything…

What the World Doesn’t Need are Steampunk Luxury Condos

LIES.

Deer Breaks Through Door, Ransacks Bathroom

When you gotta go, you gotta go…

Baby Weighing 14 lbs. Born in S. Colorado

No matter what other birthing horror stories women tell, they will never be able to top this. Well played, new mother. Well played. Now, get that woman an ice pack, an inflatable chair donut, and a medal.

Stolen 5,000 lb Bridge Recovered in Michigan

I know it’s wrong, but I’m just being honest…I was kinda rooting for the crooks who figured out how in the hell to STEAL A FRICKEN BRIDGE on this one.

Overdue Book Returned to Washington Library, 65 Years Late

Oh, sure. Go ahead and brush this off as a victimless crime. But ask yourself this: What about that poor sap who waited to read the hottest book on the Poor Richard’s Almanac Bestseller List? Where’s his justice?

Obama in Hospital for 28 Minutes

He then stopped at the gas station for 7 minutes, popped into the dry cleaners for 14 minutes, swung by the grocery store for 34 minutes, spent 6 minutes stuck in a loop on the traffic circle, clocked 49 minutes at the gym, took 22 minutes to…

Cops Probe Chlorine at Furry Con

So many punchlines here, and none of them good. Let’s back away slowly and pretend we never read this headline…

British Royal Couple Kicks Off Tour

Taking the stage, William’s “Pip, pip, cheerio Yanks!” was drowned out by Kate’s overly-enthusiastic screaming guitar rendition of “God Save the Queen”.

Space Probe Ready for Pluto Close-up

Can’t leave a disgraced planet alone, can you, TMZ? Disgusting.

Dog Adopted After 465 Days

….um…okay. Is this news?

Clerk Tells Thief to Get Out

Hang on. What the hell is happening?

Squirrel Causes Power Outage

…we’re being punk’d, right?

NH Girl Sends Heartwarming Santa Letter

OH, okay. I get it. We’re not being punk’d. I was just looking at the local news station. Yeah, not much happens around here, does it? Let’s go back to national news…

Necrophilia Motivated Stepdad in Killing

Whoa. Jumped right into the deep end on that. Maybe I can find a happy medium…

Hookah Smoke Contains Cancer Causing Chemical

HOLD THE PHONE. Are you suggesting that smoking is bad for one’s health??

Three Die, Ten Sickened After Use of Cocaine in North Carolina

Let’s everybody stop right now, drop what we’re doing, and figure out this problem so all the over-privileged suburban teens of North Carolina can once again safely snort away their mummy and daddy’s savings accounts without that annoying fear of physical ramification. Hop to! People are getting sick out there, folks…

Changes of the Swiss Guard: “It was a mere renewal…is sane to know that nobody goes on forever”

What?

No, seriously. What??

New Prostate Aid Takes CVS By Storm

…*blink**blink* Um…good for you?

Scarecrows Outnumber People in Dying Japan Town

Holy shit. It’s happening. The scarecrow uprising has begun. The end is nigh! RUN, people.

RUN.

(Just an aside here. I was looking on Yahoo Europe news, and just about every other story is about soccer. Of course. Because what else happens in Europe, right? Oh, ‘Merica.)

College Used Strippers to Lure Students

“Hey, big boy…wanna come over to my place and…*blows gently in his ear* discuss why the big bang theory predicts measurably larger anisotropies in the night sky than those which have been observed?”

Horizontal Elevators are the Wave of the Future

No. There will never be a horizontal elevator.

…and if you don’t understand why, then I really can’t help you.

About 100 Brains Missing from University of Texas

*input obvious joke here*

We May Have Reached the “Apocalyptic Scenario” With Antibiotics

Shit. *sigh* Okay, screw the scarecrows. The apocalypse will be brought about by medicine. Run, people

RUN.

New Technology Could Put an End to Cracked iPhone Screens

Apple calls it “plastic” and it’s just the bees knees!

Texas Biologists Warm Chilled Sea Turtles

What happens in a lonely Texas biology lab should be no one else’s business. #nojudgment

First Test-tube Baby Penguin Says Hello to the World

We’ve already test-tubed humans. I’m no biologist, but isn’t bragging about test-tubing a penguin at this point kind of like Apple bragging about plastic?

30 English Words from Our British Cousins

Well that takes care of six right there…

Chimpanzees Have No Human Rights, Says NY Court

The case has been in the court system since 2012, and the loser is going to appeal to an even higher court. Your tax dollars hard at work, folks…

Florida Man Charged with Stealing Beef Tongue

I’ll save you the hassle of having to look this one up because I am like a 15 year old boy and can’t let you go another minute without knowing that he hid it in his pants. He hid a tongue in his pants!!!

You’re welcome.

Scientists Implant Human Brain Cells in Mice to Create “Super Mice”

Oh for fuck’s sake!

Okay, scrap the scarecrows, forget about antibiotics. Our doom will now be brought about by Super Mice. RUN, people.

RUN.

Thus concludes the Morning Musing for Monday, December 8, 2014. Seriously, scientists, wtf? What kind of people are injecting mice with human brain cells? What could possibly be the end game here? NOTHING good will come of this. Nothing at all. You won’t learn anything from this other than how to freak an entire population out. I may have my issues and be a general eff-up in life, but my god, at least I’m not bringing about the end of humanity as we know it! THIS is what happens when you misplace your brains. Go back to spooning chilly turtles and test tubing penguins before you ruin everything, you bored, sadistic freaks.

…huh…oddly, I now feel a bit better…

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