Not even a spoonful of sugar would make this go down easier…

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Mornin’ all.

I’m up early this morning with pep in my step, energy to spare, and a positive attitude!

“Well huzzah and good morning to you, too, Bethie! Love the enthusiasm!”

…*snort* Wait a sec. You actually believed that?

I AM up early, that much was true. I can’t kick this cold. It’s now sludging up my lungs and the hack fest did nothing for my sleep. Then the cat came in and decided she needed to give a lengthy soliloquy about the state of society at the top of her lungs, and any hopes at dozing back off were dashed.

I’m feeling better overall, just can’t kick this cough. I hate that. The rest of me really is rarin’ to go, and then I cough and sputter like an old tractor engine when I try. I know what I need. Buckley’s cough syrup.

I see by the shudders that some of you have heard of this nasty and yet blessed concoction. For those not in the know, the slogan for this medicine is “It tastes awful. And it works,” and they aren’t lying.

It. Tastes. AWFUL.

It tastes so bad that I can’t really think of a comparison. Maybe…rotting pine trees mixed with pond scum mixed with tar…yeah, there’s definitely a tar element. Don’t believe me? It tastes so bad there are YouTube videos of people trying it for the first time. Yes, it’s that bad. But boy, does it work. (No, I’m not a spokesperson for Buckley’s. Though, ya know…if they wanna slip me a couple bucks…)

I think it works because it scares the germs and they run away. Or maybe the body is like, “Holy shit she wasn’t bluffing! Man the torpedoes! Arm the nukes! We’re kicking this shit before the next dose!”

So I need some Buckley’s today. I also need my damn washing machine part. We paid for one day shipping. That was many days ago, and still I have no part. I don’t think they understand the term “one day”. I tell you what, they’re GOING to understand the term “refund”. It’s been bathtub laundry this week. I can’t go an entire week without doing any laundry. We’ve got six people here. If I let it pile up for a whole week, the odds of being crushed under an avalanche of stinky socks and sweaty teen teeshirts are pretty high. I don’t want to go down like that. What an embarrassing obituary that would be.

“Bethie, just go to a laundromat.”

Are you nuts? Have you seen how much they charge at those things these days? I’ll just do it in the tub, old school. The part’s got to get here soon, right?

…RIGHT?

Boy I tell you what. There’s just nothing good in the news these days, is there? I popped on to check out what’s happening in the world. ISIS beheaded more people. Boko Haram is still up to their shit. A dad murdered his whole family in Florida, and another guy is standing trial for punching his toddler to death. A little toddler got PUNCHED TO DEATH. What in the hell is wrong with people?

Look, I could go on and on about each and every bad story. I could rage and rant and toss my two cents in with everyone else’s. However, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? ISIS, Boko Haram, and dads who kill their kids are bad. We know this. There is no debate, no “other side” of the story. If you cut someone’s head off, you’re bad. If you steal children from schools and rape then, you’re bad. If you kill your kids, you’re bad. There is absolutely no room for a lively discussion of differing viewpoints, because there simply are none. What more is there to say?

Besides, we don’t want to focus on the bad. The bad is everywhere. We want to escape the bad and have a little chuckle with our morning coffee, don’t we? With that in mind, I think it’s time we do a…

*cue catchy theme music*
*enter go-go dancers stage left*

* * * HEADLINE ROUNDUP!!! * * *

*glitter cannon*

Yes, folks, it’s time to take a look at the weird, poorly worded, or overly vague headlines that pop up across the internet’s biggest news sites. As always, these are actual headlines that have been unaltered…I simply add the colorful commentary. So pick the glitter out of your hair and join me as we take a look at the other stuff that’s happening in the world today.

– Colorado Education Protests Grow
I think the tacit pot joke here is enough…

– How Imminent is the Threat of an ‘Imminent’ Threat?
Isn’t this one of the riddles to cross the troll’s bridge?

– Idaho Woman Accused of Chewing up Back Seat of Police Car
The perp ass stains were simply irresistible. Just like Mom’s home cookin’…

– Turkish Leader Says World Not Doing Enough
Today’s No Shit Gazette headline.

– F-22 Raptor Makes Debut Combat Flight
The deb positively dazzled in her matte finish with chromed accents as she soared into the sky to the delight and utter terror of the gathered crowd.

– 26 Percent of Facebook Users Crop Vacation Photos to Hide Their Bodies
Very specific for an utterly useless stat, isn’t it?

– Smart Toothbrush Tracks Your Brushing
Great. It’s not enough that I get snarky attitude from my coffee pot when I don’t change the charcoal water filter, now I have to get flak from my toothbrush, too? This is why we have self esteem issues, people.

– Messaging App Seeks to Bring Voices Back to Phones
This is the blurb under the headline: Longtime technology guru Ray Ozzie wants to bring back the emotions of the human voice to telephones. Soooo….this revolutionary idea is to have telephones convey human voice from one person to the other. MIND. BLOWN.

– Dragon Arrives at Space Center With 3-D Printer
Scientists gladly accept the gift and use it to make 3-D lances and swords to slay the dragon, thus perpetuating the tense relationship between species that has existed for centuries.

– Deer Are Pests For Airports, Threats to Pilots
Looks like the TSA’s going to have some new regulations. Threats to pilots must be taken seriously. Personally, I’m okay if they ban ALL deer from planes. I know it might not be the politically correct stance, but I can’t help how I feel.

– In Louisiana Politics and Kegs Mix Well
I don’t think Louisiana has that market cornered.

– Texas Drops Plan to Allow Liquor Sales at Gun Shows
How bad is it that I’m a little disappointed at not getting to see Darwinism at work?
…it’s bad, right?

– Miami Bat Squad Tracks Rare Bats to Roost in Golf Course
If the members of the Miami Bat Squad don’t wear capes and masks, I will be highly disappointed.

– Indian Zoo: Tiger Kills Man Who Jumped Into Moat
Then Gives Compliments to the Chef For The Soup de Jour

– Oregon Man Claims Costco Security Broke His Leg
More proof that Costco is run by a secret society of ninjas. Forget the illuminati, people, and open your eyes to the real threat!

– Erotica Chain to Sell Goods to Pay Back Taxes
What? A store is going to sell products to pay their bills? What sorcery is this!?

– University Launches Beer-Making Program
Did they raise the ante in the enrollment incentive competition or what? The ball’s in your court, YALE.

– Missing Driver Said He Woke Up in a Field of Donkeys
Hey, cut him some slack. I think we’ve ALL been there.

– Kentucky Man Admits to Selling Fraudulent Fertility Kits
I really, REALLY want to know what’s in those kits. I’m picturing back woods voodoo dolls, old bottle caps, and a used G-string from Walmart’s discount rack…

– Giant San Diego Panda Gets Chipped Tooth Fixed
A panda has better dental insurance than I do. A panda. *sigh*

– Human Loses New Hampshire Election
That’s right, no humans allowed!
We only elect asses here.

Thus concludes the Morning Musing for Thursday, September 25, 2014. I’m off to completely kill my taste buds and glare at the spot on the steps where the package from the appliance shop SHOULD be…

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