Guess what day it is?
Oh now, guess! It’s no fun if you’re not actually going to play.
…*sigh* Yes, I know it’s August 27th. Har har, smart ass. Come on, you’re not even trying! What happens near the end of every summer that makes parents across the Northeast gladly wake up early and actually cook a real breakfast while humming?
“OH. School day?”
YES! Back to school! I’m having to contain my excitement in real life, since it’s still too early to wake the slumbering beasts, but once I do get them up, I get to make them leave. For the whole day. All of them. *sniff* The first day of school is a beautiful thing.
In all seriousness, I think the last month passed way too quickly. There were many things on the summer list we didn’t get to do because life was like, “NOPE.” And I will miss my pals during the day. I get bored easily. Who am I going to annoy when I get fed up with annoying myself? The cat will only take so much before she finds a basket to hide in. Perhaps I’ll befriend the wild woodchuck that’s taken up residence under my deck. Modern day White Fang, only without the gold and constant threat of death.
Yeah, you know what? That just might be my ticket to fame. I could be the woman who tamed the wild woodchuck. Now, I just have to figure out what woodchucks eat for snacks, then spend painfully frustrating days earning Woody’s trust. Maybe I should make a mini lasso.
Should I make a mini lasso? Will there be any wrangling involved?
See? I’m entertaining myself already. It’s good to have a new hobby. I’ll keep you posted on the progress.
There is a plus. With the kiddies gone, I really will be able to address some home repairs that are so much easier without a younger generation distracting me. I love them, I love how curious they are, I love that they want to know what I’m doing and why. However, if you haven’t picked it up by now, I’m easy to derail. If I’m staring blankly at the hole in the wall, it’s not because I’m just on pause while I wait for someone to come over and spark up a conversation. I am actually making plans on the best way to attack the problem, and, “Hey, Mum. Whatcha doin’?” right at that moment makes the record player arm screech, and a giant eraser completely rubs out the plan I hadn’t yet set into motion.
So between training sessions with Woody, I can repair holes in the wall without interruption. And do laundry. Who knows? I might get real wild and wash the windows.
Ain’t no party like an NH party cuz an NH party don’t stop.
I was looking at the news this morning and a headline caught my attention.
“A roundup, Bethie?!”
Hm. I hadn’t really intended to do an entire Roundup. I mean, the house band that usually plays the intro is still at band camp, and the go-go dancers are recovering from a girls’ weekend at the casino…
“Bah, you don’t need all that flash. Come on! What better way to celebrate the first day of school than a cheeky look at the world as seen through headlines?”
…you do have a point. I suppose I can improvise on the music and dancing. Okay, you’ve won me over! Let’s do it! *cracks knuckles* *achem*
*hummed ditty* It’s time for a… Headline Roundup! *jazz hands*
“Oooh, nice jazz hands!”
Thanks! I’ve been practicing. Okay, so I guess we’ve already done enough of an intro this morning. Let’s just jump right into it.
– Woman Stands Trial in Fatal Buttocks Injection Case
There are so many ways I could go with this, and I assure you, none of them are good.
– Storms Create Huge Waves
Clearly that’s from the No Shit Gazette. I really should cancel my subscription…
– Alarming Increase In Near-Collisions
I think it would be more alarming if they stopped being “near”. I’m okay with “near”.
– Fight Over Reclining Seat Diverts Flight
Hey, if I’m flying somewhere and gramps in front of me decides to lean back and dip his toupee in my soup, I might have a thing or two to say about it as well.
– Dad Vanishes After Tux Fitting
He warned you he didn’t want the cummerbund, but you wouldn’t listen.
– French Government Dissolved
Yes, they literally canceled their government and ordered a whole new one to be ready in a couple days. Ah, France.
– Girl Accidentally Shoots Her Gun Instructor
Accident declared “most predictable work related death ever”.
– Ukrainian President Dissolves Government
DAMMIT FRANCE!! Look what you started!
– Miniature Lung Grown to Test Cancer Drugs
Leave it to Germans to take the “fi” out of the “sci”…
– Obama to Award Medal of Honor to Civil War Soldier
It’s nice to see they fast-tracked the paperwork for this one. I can’t wait to hear the man’s acceptance speech.
– Florida Man Charged With Murder in Bystander’s Death From Police Shot
Yes, it’s what it says. A man is being charged with murder because a cop fired a shot that killed an innocent bystander instead of him. Confused? Did you miss the part that said “Florida?” ‘Nuf said.
– The Moon Smells: Apollo Astronauts Describe Moon Aroma
…but…no atmosphere…with the masks…and…HUH?!?
– Turks Claim Record for Largest Ataturk Portrait
Claimed it from whom? I want to know who else is vying for this record.
– Florida Skinny Dippers Attacked by Alligator
People, if you’re going to skinny dip, perhaps try doing it in waters that aren’t alligator-infested? Just throwin’ it out there.
– Dueling Hurricanes
If the coverage of these storms isn’t entirely set to banjo music, I will boycott the Weather Channel.
– Crews in NH Spray Pesticide Amid Mosquito Fears
Because apparently one or two people getting flu-like symptoms from mosquito bites is a far bigger concern than millions breathing in chemicals. I mean, how bad could lung cancer really be?
– 7 GIFs That Will Convince You How Bad the California Droughts Are
Does it really take GIFs to convince people of scientific fact? …it does? I quit. I just quit.
– ADHD Study Flags Pre-natal Use of Anti-depressants
Usually I throw a flag on bullshit studies. But I’ve got to say, any study that is against giving babies Adderall in-utero gets a thumbs up from me.
– Hawaiian Lava Flow Threatens Homes
In response, the Hawaiian volcano in question gave a brief, yet poignant, statement: “Duh.”
– California Cops Used Government Database to Screen Women They Wanted to Date
…c’mon, folks. With all the cop shootings and riot “control” tactics going on at the moment, are we really going to call THIS behavior out?
– Spider Personalities Shine Among Friends
Entomologists don’t get out much, do they?
– Weird Cell-Shaped Structure Discovered in Mars Meteorite
YES!!! YES YES YES!!! Prepare the crop circles, boys…the mother ship is coming!!!!
– Scientists Scramble to Map Previously Unknown Fault That Caused California Earthquake
How long after starting this endeavor do you think it was before they were all totally sick of Ted’s “whose FAULT is this?” pun?
– Turkey’s Erdogan Says New Cabinet to be Announced Friday
Personally, I think they’ll go with cedar. Sure it’s nothing new…but the classics are classics for a reason.
– Herding Mentality: “Sheepdog Mystery” Solved at Last
I can finally rest easy at night. You don’t know what a weight that’s been on me.
– Tortoises in Controversial Art Exhibit Removed
It’s about time someone put a stop to their antics. Everyone knows tortoises put on these types of “art” displays just to push the envelope. Tortoises are such attention whores.
– Mom of Boys With Lime Disease Fights for Chickens
…yeah, I read the article. But you know what? I think I’ll just leave you wondering.
Thus concludes the First Day of School Musing for Wednesday, August 27, 2014. While I was entertaining myself, the older kids hopped on the bus to be whisked to the magic building of education and the shorter one got up. Time to feed him and send him on his merry way. A whole day without them. It stretches, open before me a road of endless possibilities…and yet, it looms…