I’m up so early today that I can’t tell if the pink in the sky is from the sunrise, or if I caught the tail end of the sunset. Coffee’s good, though. Somehow I managed to make a decent brew. Dumb luck, and I know not to get my hopes up that I’m taking a coffee-making upswing. Still, it is nice not to add to the rot gut I’ve got.
I couldn’t sleep. Too much on the mind. I’m stressed, as much as I hate that term. It gets overused by people who want to think their lives are much more complicated than they really are. Normally I take a fairly calm, easygoing approach to living.
Look, in life, crap happens. If you’re not in the middle of a whirlwind at the moment, wait a sec. That’s just how things go and it’s nothing personal. The cosmos is not out to get you, there’s no grand conspiracy to dump it on your head extra deep. The wheel spins and lands on whatever and you get dragged into the mix and that’s it. Same thing that happens to everyone else.
“Bethie, you’re sounding a bit cliche at the moment. Life sucks and then you die, huh?”
NO. Boy do I hate that expression. Life does NOT suck. If life sucked, then when you’re going through the tough times, flowers would lose their smell, babies wouldn’t give you that cute, trusting smile that feels like a hug, sunsets wouldn’t be able to take your breath away…
I’m saying that along with all the beautiful ups, you’re GOING to have some downs. You WILL have some trouble. In inevitable. We live in a fluid world, surrounded by 7 billion other people on a rock that’s winging through space at breakneck speeds between trillions of other careening chunks of dense mineral. Our daily lives are spent in an eddy of chaos. It’s impossible to always have things be smooth sailing. And if you can’t realize this and go with that flow, life’s always going to be hard.
I’m not usually one for stress unless I’m facing a huge question mark. The one thing that can get me is not knowing, not being able to plan. I am a person that likes to be able see the situation, then sit down and figure a way through. Sometimes, though, there are so many variables that the big scary question mark takes over and I end up watching the ass end of a sunset because I can’t sleep.
“FML.” That’s another expression I despise. For any who may not know, that means Fuc* My Life. I hate hate HATE that expression. People are so quick to damn a beautiful gift.
“Um, I think you’re taking it too seriously.”
“It’s just a silly little saying.”
But that’s the thing, it’s really not. It’s going to the extreme over every little thing. It’s a pervasive problem in society. One little hiccup and you’re ready to say screw life and throw in the towel. It’s NOT just a silly little saying. It’s a sad commentary on the lack of value we put on life. If a cancer patient doesn’t say FML over cancer, you shouldn’t jump to that extreme when your cell phone falls into the toilet.
I have never, ever used the expression “FML”. Even though my brain’s spinning right now and I can’t sleep and have internalized my stress enough to give me the seventh level of Hell for a stomach, I love life. I’m glad for every day I get.
“Then the rest is just details.”
BUT I WANT TO KNOW THOSE DETAILS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN!
*self-deprecating smirk* Hey, what can I say? I’m a complex individual with many layers.
Fine. I’m a control freak, then. Tomato, tomahto.
I really DO usually take life as it comes, though. I just require new information as quickly as it’s available so I can incorporate it, make a new path, and get started. I’m not one to whine and cry when something happens, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to take the bull by the horns and steer as well as I can. I’ll gladly go with the flow…I just don’t want to do it without a sturdy set of oars.
Ooh, that almost sounded like some deep writing right there. Either that or I’m so tired and hopped up on caffeine that I’m getting punchy…
Complicating the current issue is the possibility of a move in the future. I mean, packing up a household of six people (some of us maybe kinda tending a bit towards being hoarders) and finding a new place to live. Any regular readers of this blog will know I can’t stand the thought of going somewhere new.
“Oh Bethie. I don’t think you understand the ‘go with the flow’ concept…”
I do! I’m not complaining about the situation, I’m just saying it’s got me twisted in knots inside. That’s the difference. This isn’t something that’s “unfair” or “happening to me”. There’s no one to be angry with, no pouting in the corner. To me, that’s “going with the flow”. I accept that this is happening and want to make a new plan that helps my family follow the unexpected road we’re now on.
And THAT’S the problem. There’s so much up in the air that making a plan right at this moment is impossible. I’m spinning my wheels and that drives me up a wall. I am not a very patient person, if you couldn’t tell. Waiting is not what Bethies do best.
Add to that the fact that I’ve had my roots planted in this house for ten years now, and the thought of moving is like standing on the edge of a huge chasm. There’s a thrill of something new…and the terror of not knowing what that “new” thing will be.
Also, how it might go down is not feeling very pleasant at the moment. I sense a confrontation with landlords on the horizon, and I can’t stand confrontation. They have some valid points, but so do we. I tell you what, if I could just pay out the rest of our yearly obligation and find somewhere else in, say, a few months or so…that would be great. Time to get the duckies in a row. But that might just not happen. My ducks all may decide to swim willy-nilly and I’ll have to scramble to herd them back together.
…can you herd ducks?
“So it boils down to money problems?”
Well, yes. Money would help, and I’m going to be trying to scrape up some extra. But it’s more than that. Maybe things have been building with the landlords for awhile. Looking back, I can see where we let stuff slide we shouldn’t have, and they did, too. We’ve had a half-assed loosey-goosey relationship. Admittedly it’s not the ideal tenant/landlord situation.
Scratch that. It *IS*…until things go wrong.
So I need to make some cash to help get ahead of bills so we can start stashing away for either security on a new place, or a down payment on a junker house to buy that we can fix up. One thing living here has taught me is how to fix things.
My older sister, she knows me well. She knew I’d need a focus, a way to start some kind of plan, so she went online and found a realty site with listings in my area, affordable listings at that. She’s great. Man I wish she’d move back up north and be my life coach. Or at least organize my closet for me.
Anyway, on that site I found a bunch of homes that actually look really promising for someone willing to put blood, sweat, and tears into them. I’d own a piece of crap house. I know I can do the work, and at least I’d own it. Right now we rent a piece of crap house. At least if we own it, we don’t have to wait for five months for permission to fix the hot water heater.
I got looking on that site. Hoo baby are there some neat, rundown places out there. There’s one I like that’s in a different town, but has over 15 acres of woodlands with it. 15 acres! There’s one here in town that’s in much better shape, only 1 acre of land, though, but a two car garage with an extra car bay. There’s another in town that’s slightly better than that, needs nothing to fix up. And all of these with our credit will be way less a month than what we’re paying now if we can come up with a down payment and qualify for the loans.
That’s the excitement part. I actually can feel a tug of glee at the idea of moving into a roached-out wreck that’s ours and making it great with my own hands. For the first time, like, EVER, a fresh start sounds great. If we could figure out a way to extricate ourselves from this money pit…
I suppose the apprehension and rot gut is from trying to figure out how to get there.
Hey, at least I have smart ass kids to crack me up and make me laugh along the way. And if we’ve got to move, the teen behemoths will come in very handy.
That’s it! I just figured it out!
We didn’t get complacent….we were just waiting for our workforce to grow. We were secretly brilliant this whole time.
Okay, NOW I feel better.
Thus concludes a coffee-fueled ramble for Monday, July 8, 2014. Today I will start the long and complex process of getting things ready for a yard sale. I’m sure you’ll get an earful after I pare down the piles…